HOBOSCOPES

PISCES

Picture yourself a year ago, Pisces. What did you want? What did you think was going to happen next? What were you afraid of? What did you get right? What did you miss? Now imagine yourself a year from now. Of course, it’s hard to predict the future. (That’s the first rule of amateur astrology.) One of the things I’ve learned over the last year is that I don’t know what’s coming, so I may as well enjoy today. Next year will worry about itself.

ARIES

I think I’m gonna plant some seeds this week. Maybe just some basil and some cilantro. Those are easy to start indoors while the nights are still getting cold. I think it’s a good time to start something, Aries. Get it into the dirt. Give it some water and some sun and we’ll see what happens.

TAURUS

When the cold days start calming down I start keeping a $5 bill in my coat pocket. Not for any immediate need, just because I know that when I finally put my coat back in the closet for spring, I might leave that fiver in there until next winter. It’s like giving my future self a little surprise. It reminds me, Taurus, that you may feel like you’re coming up empty, but I’m pretty sure there are a few pockets you haven’t checked yet. You’ve prepared yourself more than you may think.

GEMINI

I love it when a movie has a fake band in it and the fake band has a fake song. The thing about fake songs, Gemini, is that, as it turns out, they are real songs. They’ve got words and a melody and a style. Sure, you can write a poem that’s a parody, but it’s still a poem. If you want to create something new today, a good place to start is to pretend to make something. If you sit down right now and pretend to paint a picture, when you’re done, you’ll have a picture.

CANCER

There were over 700 passengers and crew who survived the sinking of the Titanic. Hundreds of passengers who got away in time and went on to lead all kinds of lives. Sure, some of their stories have been told, but what a strange life. But I guess we’re all survivors in some way or another. I mean, we all made it through yesterday. Someday people may ask you what that was like. Maybe this is a good day to stop and acknowledge what you’ve been through. It’s kind of a lot.

LEO

Recently scientists found six “cloaked bees” in Australia. These unique insects were thought to be extinct since 1923 but now we know there are...definitely...at least six. It doesn’t seem like much, but when you go from believing something is impossible to discovering there’s even a small chance, that’s a pretty big deal. Now, I wouldn’t know a cloaked bee if it bit me on the elbow, but I’ve got a feeling that the thing you’re looking for, Leo, I think it’s a real possibility.

VIRGO

When I was a kid, adults would tell me I had “an old soul.” It’s strange because now that I’m all grown up, I go around feeling like I missed the line into adulthood. I liked it better when I had wisdom beyond my years. Now I’ve just got all these...years. Aging is a funny thing, Virgo. We’re all doing it. Constantly, in fact. If it ever starts to worry you, remember that everybody you’ve ever known or heard of have walked this same path. It doesn’t always seem like the best direction, but it’s the only direction available. I’ll make you a deal. If you keep going, I’ll go with you.

SCORPIO

They say it takes more muscles to frown than to smile, Scorpio. But it takes even more muscles to go around telling people what they ought to do with their own faces. And since when are we worried about all this muscle use, anyway? Is there some kind of shortage? Scorpio, don’t let anybody, even your amateur astrologer, tell you what you should be doing with your muscles. That’s entirely up to you.

SAGITTARIUS

There are only about 1,200 Ket people left in Siberia. In times long past, the Ket were a nomadic tribe of hunters and fisherman who spread across northern asia. But now there are only a few left who remember their traditions or speak their language. The Ket language, however, is closely related to the Athabaskan languages of north America. So Navajo spoken in Arizona has a lot in common with Ket. It’s shocking how connected we all are, Sagittarius. And how lonely we can make each other feel. Reach out.

CAPRICORN

Spring is coming, Capricorn. Again. And maybe you’re feeling something less than hopeful about the sunnier days ahead. Psychologists talk about the “anniversary effect.” People who have experienced a trauma are often surprised to discover feelings of anxiety, anger, or hopelessness as the anniversary of that traumatic event arrives. The date, the weather, or the position of the sun can remind our bodies and minds of difficult days that we thought were over. Give yourself the space you need to feel those feelings as they come up. And if you need to talk it over, spring is a great time to tell somebody how you’re feeling.

LIBRA

Hey, the sun’s out and it’s a little too warm for a jacket! The trees are starting to bud and birds are singing and I can’t breathe through my nose. Actually, my eyes are watering pretty good now. And I’ve got that kind of itchy feeling in the back of my throat. It’s just allergies, Libra. But isn’t it frustrating when it seems like things are on the upswing and something knocks you right back down? This week, Libra, be ready to appreciate the gifts that arise and always keep a kleenex handy.

AQUARIUS

Is this the week we set our clocks forward, Aquarius? Isn’t it bizarre that even works? Like, for some reason, we all agree that right now it’s 2 p.m. but then somebody decided that things would be better if it was 3 p.m. instead, and then we all just go along with it. It’s like, if we all agreed that tomorrow was Thursday again, it would be Thursday again. Thursday isn’t a real thing unless everybody agrees to play along. Getting people to agree with you can be a powerful thing, Aquarius. Keep that in mind this week.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained cryptographer, or a registered wheelbarrow operator. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1