The Contributor, April 26, 2023

HOBOSCOPES

TAURUS

Once upon a time, Taurus, way before you were born and maybe just a week after they invented countries and armies and apologizing (in that order), there was a king who was unhappy. All the kings have been pretty unhappy ever since. So while you’re sipping your second poolside daiquiri and wondering why you don’t feel better than you do, keep in mind that power and status and control don’t bring happiness. At least not since before they invented countries and kings. So if that won’t do it, Taurus, what will? Sit still until you know.

GEMINI

Have you seen that video where the guy picks the koala up off the forest floor and puts him back up in the eucalyptus tree with his little friend-koalas and then he gives the guy a high-five? It made me think of you, Gemini. I know you try to be the guy going around putting koalas back in their trees. And I know you’re still waiting on that highfive. But I wonder if you see the ways that you’re also the koala sitting on the forest floor. And I wonder if you’ll let us help you up.

CANCER

I just came across that document you made when we decided to open a bakery together. What a great idea! You love baking and business plans. I love brainstorming bakery names and eating muffins. So while I blurted out things like “The Kouign’s Gambit!” and “Love Will Pear Us A Tart!.” You made a bulleted list that started with: ”• Secure funding. • Source equipment (Used or new?). • Order T-shirts (Logo?). • Location (call realtor-Deb)” Anyway, I found that document and it made me miss you. I still think it could’ve worked. But it reminds me that maybe you don’t need a startup idea to sit down and spend time with a friend, Cancer. We could just meet up at the library and talk about how things have been. You should bring muffins.

LEO

What if this isn’t helping, Leo? I consult the stars and check the charts and I try to only say what I’m sure is true. But what if you never even see it? Maybe I should get a billboard next time. I’ll get the one by the donut place that’s been empty since we moved here. I probably can’t afford to have it updated every week or anything, so I’ll just make it something that’s always true. Maybe like “Keep going, Leo. We’re glad you’re here.” Would that do it? Would you drive by often enough? For now, maybe just cut this out and put it on the fridge. I’m gonna check rates on that billboard.

VIRGO

If you were shipwrecked alone on a tropical island with adequate shelter and a lifetime supply of canned beans and Lacroix (it was a shelter, beans, and Lacroix ship), What would you start to miss first? It wouldn’t be the daily inflow of morning news from your phone. It wouldn’t be the Slack alerts about labor percentages on your day off. I expect it would be the people. And not just the ones you love the most. Even the people you weren’t so sure about before. And I wonder if you can notice them now, in your unshipwrecked state. And draw them in just a little closer — the people you love most and the ones you aren’t so sure about. Ask them how they feel about beans and Lacroix

LIBRA

I was thinking about writing a short story where the people of earth become so obsessed with extraterrestrial life and interstellar travel that we destroy all our natural resources in order to send explorers deep into space and when they land on the alien world our explorers ask why the aliens never built spaceships and came to see us. And the aliens say it was because they knew they’d have to destroy all their natural resources in order to do it. And then they excitedly ask “How did you get around that?” Take care of what you’ve got, Libra.

SCORPIO

There’s a part in Little Women where Amy March says “I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my ship.” And sometimes when the wind starts blowing too hard, Scorpio, and the front door rattles and the branches creak outside the window, I think about that line. Because it doesn’t always feel safe to go into a storm. But I think maybe Louisa May Alcott was right when she wrote that. That every gust is a new sailing lesson. That every wave is a teacher. That whatever is making you feel unsteady today will be what makes you a better sailor tomorrow.

SAGITTARIUS

We were all in the backseat, Sagittarius, singing that song from Grease about summer love. You wouldn’t roll up the window and you screamed when my brother put gum in your hair and then your mom shut off the radio and stopped the minivan in the ShowBiz Pizza parking lot and she swiveled her head around and her eyes glowed a soft red as she said slowly, in a lionine rumble “I will take everybody home right now if we can’t be calm and quiet.” I’m afraid you’ve been a little too calm and quiet ever since, Sagittarius. There’s a rock-afire explosion of pizza and games just on the other side of that door and I think it’s time you came in with the rest of us.

CAPRICORN

This is gonna be a great hotel, Capricorn! They’ve got an indoor pool and HBO and ice machines on every floor. But there’s nobody at the front desk to tell you what your room number is. You’ve got the key, but it only unlocks one door. So you could go to each room and push the card into the handle to see if the light turns green. Or you can stay out here in the atrium with me drinking Dr. Peppers that we bought from the machine with coins we found in the fountain. Sure, I’d love the company, but I understand if you need to go find your special place. There is a door that only opens for you. Come back and let me know when you find it.

AQUARIUS

Let’s get serious here, Aquarius. What’s the one thing in your life that is completely dependable? Your job is not. Your body is not. Your Mind is Not. Your Friend is not. Even your subscription to Hulu keeps resetting your password. The only thing that is dependable is change. Whatever your circumstance is today, it’s going to change. However you feel about that, it’s going to change. And you might fight it, Aquarius. But it’s the one thing in your life that is completely dependable. So the best you can do, I think, is to make friends with it and let it in.

PISCES

I’ve worried about so many things that could happen in the future. What if it just gets worse and worse? And sometimes I can see all the bad things coming and they get closer and closer…and then something else happens altogether. Sometimes it’s something better. Sometimes it’s something worse. But it’s hardly ever the thing I was afraid of. If you start to notice this trend in your own fears, Pisces, send for me. It’ll help me to see that somebody else does the same.

ARIES

If I were going to rewrite the national anthem, Aries, I would put way more monsters in it. Like the first verse could be all about how there was a giant man-eating octopus in a cave in Delaware. And then there would be a wicked guitar solo for like two pages followed by a lyrical discussion of whether Frankenstein is more British or American. They probably won’t let me do it, and I guess I can see why, Aries. It just reminds me that you don’t have to keep things the way they are just because they’ve always been that way. We can do better than that in the land of the free and the home of the braying donkeymen of Pennsylvania (that part’s all acapella).

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a certified record holder, or a trained baker. This issue’s Hoboscopes are dedicated to the memory of Jeremy Scott Bills. You always showed up and you often brought muffins. Got a question for Mr. M? Give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1