Hoboscopes

H O B O S C O P E S

CANCER

I got a new sprinkler for my garden, Cancer! It’s got four different modes so it will keep the water super-localized to the plants that need it most. This will make things so much easier than having to stand out there with that old sprayhead. Now if I can just…get…this sprayhead to unscrew from the…hose. Ugh. It’s stuck. Sometimes we put off changes for so long that things start to feel immovable. Change may not be as easy as you hoped, Cancer, but grab some pliers and gloves and maybe a hammer and I think we can get this thing to turn.

LEO

I don’t think it was supposed to be this way, Leo. The systems are too complex. The numbers are too big. The information spreads too fast. Was it this hard when people lived in villages and never saw a stranger? Now there are so many faces on so many screens. So much money. So many opinions. Information never stops. It’s impossible to hold it all. Give yourself a break today, Leo. You’re not meant to carry this much. Set it down for a while.

VIRGO

Clearly, some of the documents that our society is built on are becoming old and out of date. I propose, Virgo, that our laws and morals should be based instead on the 1984 sci-fi adventure film The Last Starfighter. As a text from the imagination of the early information age, The Last Starfighter is a perfect guide on how to form and defend a government, live a courageous and ethical life and bring peace to the galaxy. This is a great time for you to question some of your foundational texts, Virgo. Now, please rise for our new pledge of allegiance “Greetings Starfighter! You have been recruited by The Star League to defend the frontier against Xur and the Ko-Dan armada.”

LIBRA

How do you feel most days, Libra? Lately I’m angry in the mornings and anxious by lunch, just kinda sad through the afternoon and then ready to distract and space-out until bedtime. There’s lots of reasons we feel the ways we feel. The first thing to do with our feelings is to notice them and call them what they are. Is that anger or is it fear? Is it sadness or is it grief? Once we notice them, it’s easier to talk about them, Libra. Even if you just say it outloud to yourself. What are your feelings telling you today? What do they want to change?

S C O R P I O

There used to be a guy on TV late at night who said he could talk to dead people. He would have a whole room full of guests and they’d stand up and cry and he’d give them a message from their relative or friend who had passed away. I don’t know if he really heard from the beyond, but his audience sure seemed relieved when they would hear a reassuring word from somebody they’d loved. What I do know, Scorpio, is that if you want to tell your people that you love them and that you’re on their side, do it now. We could all use more of that from the living.

SAGITTARIUS

My first job was at an ice cream shop. I got good at digging that metal scoop deep into the vanilla, strawberry, or caramel-ribbon and stacking them on a cone. I got good at excavating the peanut butter fudge that was hard as a rock and took a full minute per scoop and gave me tennis-elbow. I got good at making a little whipped-cream tower to top with a cherry and nuts. Nobody knows that I’m good at those things anymore, Sagittarius. You’ve got some skills you haven’t had a chance to use for a while. Make a list of all those things you can do that nobody gets to see you do anymore. Are there any of those you could use today? Maybe with hot fudge?

CAPRICORN

My car started making a noise like “krkrkrooooooowlk” every time I make a left turn. Do you know what that might be, Capricorn? I don’t know anything about cars, but I’m assuming it’s either the engine or the wheels. It’s hard to diagnose problems if you don’t understand the systems in which they exist. A noise like “krkrkrooooooowlk” might be a real issue or it might just be a side effect of something seemingly-unrelated. Take a step back and look at the whole picture. You may need a new transmission. Or maybe you just left your work shirt hanging out the passenger door and it got tangled up with an old empty milk jug.

AQUARIUS

When I went to summer camp as a kid, I found most of the outdoor activities embarrassing. My canoe sank, the string on my bow snapped, and I got hit in the face with the kickball. But I loved tug o'war. Just get to the end of the line, grab the rope, and lean hard. My team usually won. But it’s not such a great strategy later in life, Aquarius. Pick your team, grab on and pull. It just means somebody ends up in the mud. Let’s put down the rope and see if we can move the line without pulling somebody else down. It’s not just about your team anymore, Aquarius. Everybody needs to get there together.

PISCES

Your mom called, Pisces. She wanted me to remind you that it’s going to be very hot today. And she said that when you get in your car you shouldn’t lock the doors because you might pass out from the heat and emergency crews might have to break the window to help you and you might get cut from the glass. I told her I’d give you the message, but, I’ve got to say that this seems like a very specific scenario to be worried about. I guess most of the things we worry about never actually happen, Pisces, so maybe today you can put aside your usual concerns and meditate on this improbability instead.

ARIES

When we set up this picnic we expected the ants. (We can tolerate the ants.) When the rain started, we thought we could wait it out. When the crows descended, we covered the chips. When the picnic basket caught fire, we were concerned, but focused. But now it’s hail and bears and militant forest gnomes, and I’m starting to think we should fold up this blanket and go. But what if, Aries, our picnic was too limited from the start? Next time we’ll bring shelter from the storm, and more sandwiches for bears, and music for the gnomes, and sparklies for the crows, and tiny hats for the ants. Maybe if everyone is invited, there'll be no one left to fight.

TAURUS

Sorry, the astrological sign you’re attempting to view has been suspended for violating the Zodiac terms of service. All previous astrological wisdom offered to this sign is currently under review. If you wish to appeal this suspension, you may plead with the night sky, arms outstretched, eyes upward, kneeling penitently until dawn. Alternatively, Taurus, seek your answer within.

GEMINI

A little metal ball rolls down a track and drops into a glass of water balanced on a point. The glass tips into a bowl that sits on one side of an apothecary scale. As the opposite side of the scale rises, it strikes a wooden match that lights a fuse that goes into a black box. Sometimes, Gemini, the world feels like an unstoppable Rube Goldberg machine. We’re all just waiting for the final ball to drop. But the big finish is not so inevitable as it seems. Together we might stop the ball, or catch the glass, or keep a finger on the scale, or blow out the fuse. You don’t have to sit back and watch, Gemini, you can jump in at any point.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a certified picnic developer, or a trained Star League recruit. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1