HOBOSCOPES

LIBRA

It’s getting a little chilly out there, Libra! I mean, chilly for earth. On Mercury the temperatures can drop to negative 330 degrees fahrenheit. Then before you know it, they spike to above 750 degrees. That’s more than 1,000-degree spread! But, here on earth, if it drops by 25 degrees we break out the sweater box and stock up on hot chocolate. To me, Libra, it’s just a reminder that we are sensitive beings in sensitive bodies. Little differences will affect you. Pay attention to the changes and respect your instincts.

SCORPIO

In ancient times it was said that sirens would sing their irresistible song from craggy shores causing enthralled sailors to smash their ships into the rocks. I keep a smartphone in my pocket, so I can relate. It seems like everytime there’s a pause in my day, the phone sings out to me “Distract! Distract!” and so often my productive intentions lay at the unreachable bottom of an endless scroll. But there is a way around it, Scorpio. Give yourself some freedom this week. Take some time where your phone is off and nowhere near. Show those sirens who’s in charge.

SAGITTARIUS

What a perfect day to do a little reading outside! I found a great little spot at the picnic table over in the shade. But I left my book in the car. And, waith, why did I leave this water bill on the passenger seat? Oh, right, I have to call them about my double payment. But I think I forgot to charge my phone last night. Where did I leave the charger? It’s probably by the sink. I should really do those dishes first. Honestly, it’s getting a little too hot outside. Maybe I’ll just stay in bed and watch TV. It can be hard to keep up with it all, Sagittarius, but you still deserve a break. Put the rest on hold.

CAPRICORN

It’s getting a little spooky out there, Capricorn. The days are getting short and the shadows are growing long. The one dead branch on the tree outside your window scrapes just a little bit against the glass and whispers something you almost start to understand. Don’t forget, Capricorn, that the easiest way to keep the creeps at bay is to get some other eyes on the situation. Invite somebody over. You can either be creeped out together, or shine some light into the dim.

AQUARIUS

Of course, none of us want to be forgotten, Aquarius. We all hope that our presence here matters to those around us and maybe even to the world at large. But remember that sometimes the people most widely remembered are those who did the most damage. What I’m trying to say here, Aquarius, is that if you approach those around you with love, kindness and care, you’re bound to be remembered well. But the farther you extend your reach, the more careful you need to be about your impact. In short, live your life in such a way that they won’t make an HBO documentary about you when you die.

PISCES

The giant toucan is known for its large, long, colorful bill and it’s alleged love of fruity breakfast cereal. What toucans are not known for is being great flyers. It’s not that they can’t fly, but flying takes so much energy for a toucan that they are more likely to hop from branch to branch using their long bills to reach for fruit. You may find, Pisces, that you’re better off conserving energy this week and finding more practical or creative ways to get what you want.

ARIES

It’s like that time you showed up to class wearing a long, white beard and a wizard’s hat and walking everywhere with a 6-foot staff. Everybody else was wearing suits and bonnets and military jackets. Mr. Bridges said to dress up like your favorite historical figure and she just never would agree that Gandalf was historical. People around you may think you’ve misunderstood the assignment, Aries, but I happen to know you’ve understood it better than most. Your imagination will get you further than following the rules.

TAURUS

You know that movie, Taurus, where the group of oblivious campers are picked off one by one by a mysterious and unstoppable killer? I wonder if you think about that movie too much. Like, just about the time you start having fun you suddenly stop and look around and make sure you aren’t having too much fun because you know that’s exactly when something bad happens. I’ll tell you what, Taurus, bad things are going to happen sometimes. It’s true. But it won’t be because you’re having fun. Wouldn’t you rather have some fun in the meantime?

GEMINI

When my shoulders start hurting I know it’s probably time to get new shoes. It’s funny how that works, Gemini. The way everything underneath affects everything above. I know you’re dealing with some stuff up top right now. Some things are going wrong and it makes you feel angry or out of control. But rather than shuffling around all the pieces to push the discomfort away, it might be time to go deeper. Get yourself some new shoes, so to speak. See how that feels.

CANCER

When I was a kid and I wanted to watch TV, I would turn on the TV and see what was on. Maybe I’d find something I liked and maybe I wouldn’t. I probably spent too much time staring at things I wasn’t interested in. Now when I want to watch TV, I pick from a list of shows. I can watch anything anytime I want and I’m so, so happy. Wait, maybe not that last part, Cancer. Sometimes having all the options makes you realize that this isn’t what you really wanted to be doing in the first place. Pretend you have all the options and see what you pick.

LEO

I was out for a walk today in a new neighborhood and I took a wrong turn and ended up at a comic book convention. I was probably more surprised than you are. It sort of snuck up on me. One minute I notice a few outdoor tents and tables selling merch and the next thing I know I’m standing between somebody in a Megaman costume and somebody with foldable bionic wings. Sometimes, Leo, the day is not what you expect. If you’re tired of how today went, try going for a walk somewhere new tomorrow.

VIRGO

Have you had your first dose of candy corn yet, Virgo? It’s important that you get enough candy corn this time of year in order to ensure a pleasant holiday season for all. I know, I know, it’s not everybody’s favorite. But sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do just to take care of each other. If you haven’t had yours yet, it’s typically available at your local pharmacy and it takes less time than you think.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained chiropractor, or certified pharmacist. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1