Vendor Writing: James V.

Why

By James V., Contributor Vendor

As the world turns distracted with family as the holiday season approaches, from a distance I hear the muffled words of a question that has made me shutter more then once. Why do you do this? Now at 43, I'm homeless with no family to occupy my time these holidays and I find myself at the library contemplating this very question.

This is truthfully the answer I found. Hearing the sound of a sheriff's cuffs clinging together fading down the block halls harmonizing only with the echo of the steal door shutting behind me I lay face down on a cold concrete floor of a cell in isolation, and I realize I'm not going anywhere for a while. Again I failed .

Here's the funny thing. Suddenly the tension leaves my body and the anxiety Satan blanketed me with lifts off of me, and flies away. Then, quiet peace comes over me and I fall asleep.

Why? Like a dog that fights his whole life to escape his cage only to find himself returning from the fear of uncertainty before the night's out.

One day they will drag me right down the same hallway and throw me back to the street. And call it freedom. Before the sun has a chance to hit my face, the fear and anxiety will consume me. Hopes will be high. Family wanting the best for us. While gone, life moves on without you. Once home you try to find your place, but from ever probation appointment to every job interview you take and disrupt something or someone else. From one setback to another you see the smiles turn to frowns, and frustrations build. That's when

I withdraw, not being able to take the letting down of the people around me. That's when being desperate I make bad choices. I push and then I run. Finding a way to crawl back into my cage.

Because laying face down on a cold concrete floor failed, alone, is somehow better then walking the street failing in front of everyone.

I can only speak for myself. But as you come close to family this season try to remember you might not understand, but your love ones in the street have a "why."