Hoboscopes

SAGITTARIUS

Gratitude is hard to find some days, Sagittarius. I look around at all the beauty around me and all the grace that holds up my life and yet all I can think about is how my toenail is caught on a loose thread in my sock and it’s pulling in a weird way that makes it uncomfortable to step on the inside of my foot so I’m putting all my weight on the edge and it hurts my ankle and if it’s going to be like this all the time why don’t I just give up? Stop right where you are, Sagittarius. Refocus. Notice the clothes on your back, the ground you’re standing on, and the mind you use to perceive it all. Maybe there’s some gratitude in there somewhere.

CAPRICORN

I finally packed everything back in the cardboard box labeled “Halloween” and took it down to the basement. I came back up with the box labeled “Christmas.” It feels like life is just a series of trips down into the basement to get the next box until one day you go down there and you just don’t come back up again. The seasons fly past and the winter coat is back on the hook on the door and where does the time go, Capricorn? Well, today the time will go to unpacking this box of decorations and putting them around the house. Maybe put on some seasonal tunes and make a cup of hot cocoa. You can’t stop time from flying, Capricorn, but you can be where you are for a while today.

AQUARIUS

It is my astrological duty to inform you that The Stars are under new management. As you may have heard, the new ownership is laying off two-thirds of the night sky and only keeping the highest-performing constellations. Fortunately, your corner of the Zodiac will remain intact for now, (although Libra and Gemini are being merged into a single department and I heard Taurus has been terminated without severance.) I know you were hoping for some more encouraging astrological wisdom, Aquarius, but sometimes it’s best to just keep doing what you’re doing and stay quiet until this all blows over.

PISCES

Missed connection: You were the Pisces reading the paper. I was the amateur astrologer writing it. What was missed was not a potential future, but an actual present. The connection is the one between the earth and the sky. The thing that links every person to every other person. The good news is, you can connect at any point. You may have missed it before, but you don’t have to miss it now. Look up.

ARIES

I cracked into this box of Christmas decorations and I don’t know who packed this thing up last year (it was me) but I’d like a word with them. For one, every string of lights is basically just wadded up in one ball. I’m not even sure if these work, and now I have to put in some time untangling them enough to find out which is which. It reminds me, Aries, that you’ve got some untangling to do this week. My only piece of advice is that if it doesn’t light up when you plug it in, throw it out today, don’t pack it up for another year.

TAURUS

I’ve never understood clothes, re ally, Taurus. I mean, I know how to wash them and how to put them on well enough to not get kicked out of Walgreens at 4 o'clock in the afternoon, but I still think I’m missing something (Maybe a sock?). You, on the other hand, look like you’re dressed just for this occasion. You’ve got the look, Taurus, just step in with confidence and you’ll probably get the offer.

GEMINI

There’s a Santa hat on the roof of the car in front of me in the drive-thru line. I wonder how they make it stay up there. It’s probably magnetic. I’ll bet it leaves a little scratchy circle in the paint that stays all year. I’ll bet they didn’t think of that when they stuck that Santa hat up there. Still, Capricorn, if what you want is to bring a little joy to the world, it might be worth the scratchy consequences.

CANCER

I forgot about most of the ornaments in this box. There’s the one I got at the truckstop where Rudolf’s nose lights up and the one I made out of clay and noodles in 2nd grade. I’ve even got one with a picture of you in it, Cancer. It’s from the time we stayed at the diner too late and ordered cheese sticks and you told me about your uncle’s farm and helped me fill out my application to astrology bootcamp. I took your picture and put it in the green star from the diner menu. I laminated it at work and now I get it out every year and smile. Pull out some old memories this week, Cancer. You’re still all the people you’ve been.

LEO

I’m not sure what I think about the afterlife, Leo. Sometimes I imagine that when my days on earth have ended, I’ll suddenly wake up in the freezer section of an enormous and unpopulated grocery store. I’ll get up off the pristine floor, blinking in the fluorescent light and I’ll make my way through each aisle, looking for something or someone to explain it all. I’ll pass the Twinkies and the peanut butter and then I’ll see you, Leo, lining up watermelons in the produce section and joyfully smashing each with a sledgehammer. If there’s something you need to destroy, Leo, do it while you’re still alive.

VIRGO

When I was a kid I used to watch a TV show about a girl who could stop time just by touching the tips of her fingers together. When things got too chaotic she would freeze the scene, think through the situation, and put everything in place to reach a satisfying conclusion. You could sure use a superpower like that right about now, Virgo. But time just keeps going and the chaos keeps piling up. What you can do, Virgo, is give yourself a time-out. Get alone, get quiet and imagine, for a few minutes, that everything has stopped. How much of the chaos can you turn off

LIBRA

I used to buy a tree every year and put it by the sofa and decorate it and try to keep the cat from stealing all the ornaments. Then I’d forget to water it one time and my floor would be covered in dead pine needles by Dec. 10. These days, I just decorate the jasmine plant that I’ve somehow managed to keep alive for the past four years. Your traditions don’t have to be like other people’s traditions, Libra. And they don’t have to mean what other people think they mean. Decorate whatever you want however often you want for whatever reason you want.

SCORPIO

A lot of people don’t realize that these horoscopes are generated by an algorithm that tracks your purchases, your search-history, your conversations, and your sleep-patterns to bring you targeted life wisdom and keep you reading. I hope it’s working, Scorpio, because the advertisers keep calling and I keep not listening to the messages. In any case, you can use the fleece bathmat you’ve been eyeing as a towel in a pinch. Everything is multi-purpose these days. You might think you know what the thing you're standing on is there for, but there might be another reason.

Mr. Mysterio is still not a licensed astrologer, a trained CEO, or a registered ornament appraiser.. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1