The Communicator: Volume 26, April Fools Edition

Courtney Not Actually Pregnant?

BIWEEKLY COMMUNITY

NEWS

April 1, 2011

“The only lifestyle I could be happy living is a fatty one.”

The CHS Frolicking Team!

J.BIEBS

The real reason for all the disasters in the past months.

5th CHS DEAN BIGFOOT NEW EDITION

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Dean Jean skips meeting for a treat

Letter To the Editors.

Dean Skips Board Meeting for Dollar Smoothie Day.

World Disaster due to Bieber’s Hair Dear Editors, The world is falling apart. Libya, Egypt and some other countries or whatever are in turmoil; hipsters are taking over; and Flava Flav has more money than the entire state of Michigan. But why, world? Why is this happening? I’ll tell you why: Justin Bieber.

Justin Bieber cut his hair on February 21, 2011. Let’s recap some of the things that have happened since then: Hosni Mubarak was brutally evicted from his home by the dictatorial Egyptian people, Christina Aguillera went to jail (I didn’t know forgetting lyrics was a crime?), and Josh Fendrick took an entire hour of silence (to raise awareness about bears). Since turning the ripe old age of 17, Bieber has been going around kissing Selena Gomez and other species of duck, flipping off paparazzi, and voluntarily associating himself with Rascal Flatts. He’s clearly not thinking straight. Justin Bieber’s haircut has offset the chemical balance of the world-- the world has gone from silky smooth to rough and jagged.

Obviously, Justin Bieber’s haircut has destroyed the world. It’s an exact correlation and if you don’t see that, then you are just plain stupid. The hair follicles that are missing from Justin Bieber’s babyhead have offset the chemical balance in the world. It’s like a volcano, but worse. Just ask Pompeii.

Clearly, the molecules placed on Justin Bieber by God (Charlie Sheen) had been exactly coordinated to create a perfect vision of hair. But now that those molecules have fallen to the floor of an L.A. hair-salon with oompa loompas running around, the interior structure of the world is falling apart. I asked history teacher Liz Stern about this natural disaster. At first, she mistakenly assumed that I was talking about Haiti, but I quickly changed the topic back to the Biebs. “I think what’s happened is that the anti-matter and the matter have collided to create a lapse in the time-space continuum,” she said, kinda.

There you have it, folks. Justin Bieber’s haircut has destroyed the world. Join me in my new activist group CHAT (Canadian Hair Adoration Tribe) to restore Justin Bieber’s hair. Bring snacks, wear purple, and be prepared to move to Canada at any given time! We spend most of our time praying for JB’s hair to grow back fast; the world can’t take another disaster. Who knows what it will be next time? Kevin Davis could skip work and get caught in the hallway or Anne Thomas could go a whole day without cartwheeling. It’s up to us to save the world- one Bieber hair follicle at a time.

-Shadi Ahmadmehrabi

2

PHOTOS JORDAN SIDEN

By JORDAN SIDEN Dean Stalker For most, this first day of spring was a day like any other, but for Ann Arbor residents the vernal equinox drew hoards of students and adults alike away from their classes and jobs and into the 20 foot line at Smoothie King on their annual “One Dollar Smoothie Day”. Among them was CHS dean Jen Hein, already 15 minutes late for her board meeting at the downtown central administration building.

“A one dollar Caribbean Way is just too good to miss,” said a nervous Hein, glancing at her watch. “This kind of deal only comes once a year. They’ll understand.” Amidst the emergency meeting concerning the massive budget cuts to AAPS, a leather chair at the end of the boardroom was conspicuously absent.

“I am very disappointed,” said intermin superintendent Robert Allen of Hein’s absence, while sipping on his own “Mango Fest” smoothie delivered by his intern. “This kind of behavior is unacceptable, even on One Dollar Smoothie Day.” Kevin Davis, Community Assistant, was sent down to Smoothie King to find the truant Dean. “She said she had an open block. That’s the last time I’ll be giving her the benefit of the doubt!”

After the line had died down, and her ticket number was finally called, Hein was now over 40 minutes late. “I could’ve just come late, but that would’ve been embarrassing, right?”

Hein instead went to the first floor, threw J. Dilla on the boombox, and sipped her smoothie on the ledge. “This is her last warning” said Superintendant Allen. Dean Jen’s parents received an automated phone call home that afternoon.

2

CHS to Construct New Zebra Dome on i t c u r in Effort to Receive t s n o c s t r a t Varsity Sports Program.e, CHS s u s s i n a t

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PHOTO ILLUSTRATION COLLEEN O’BRIEN PHOTO JORDAN SIDEN

By NICK MARGOLIS Dome Advocate For years Community High School has been stereotyped as “the hippie” school, but in recent years there has been a changing of the guard. Now, with 1:3 kids at Community playing a sport for their home school, it only seems fitting that CHS, now known as “the jock” school, gets their own varsity sports training facility.

Construction has recently begun on the back lawn, occupying a number of CHS parking spaces. Seniors don’t seem to mind however, embracing the inconvenience of limited parking for the future of CHS’s athletic endeavours. “The dome is about to be sweet!” said an ecstatic Brenden Snow, CHS senior and varsity athlete. (“A number of people have been complaining about a lack of available parking, but they don’t realize the benefits to the school the Dome will bring.”) City planners have already released a blue print and sketch of what the back lawn will look like when the dome is completed in the summer of 2012.

With plans of the new Zebra Dome surfacing, the first thing that came to mind was funding for the dome itself. Even with John Irving (CHS Alumni, and self made billionaire) donating enough money for half of the Sports Dome, there will be a need for substantial cuts of school departments to fund for the rest of the dome. Community has decided that because of the generosity shown by Irving, the dome will be named in honor of him, “John Irving Zebra Dome” or for short; JIZD will become the official name of the dome, which is scheduled for completion in 2012.

As for the teachers, they seemed to be extremely supportive of the creation of the Zebra Dome. Judith DeWoskin, who says she has heard this idea being discussed for years was “elated” when she heard the news. “ In 1991 they threw around the idea of a sporting facility but everyone decided it would only be used for hacky sacking. Although the whole English department and most of the FOS program was cut to create money for the dome, In the long run it is a great investment.”

With students no longer being able to take American Literature from Judith, they will now be studying more important things, like America’s pastime, by playing baseball in the dome.

The blueprints for the dome are still under review, but popular additions include the state of the art basketball court, batting cages, Olympic sized swimming pool and upper level track (soon to be known as the rainbow run).

Liz Stern, Science teacher also agrees that the dome is a must. “The Science Dept. has decided that the best way to teach Physical Science is not on the third floor, but ballin’ out on the hardwood in the dome.”

Students will only be required to complete four graduation requirements: curve ball, spin move, crossover, and of course the left-handed lay-up.

The teachers are all in agreement that the Zebra Dome will be a true benefit for the school as a whole.

Before

After 3

Music Video Revolutionizes Education System For educators all over the state, every day now feels like Friday

By MARI COHEN LYRICAL ANALYST

PHOTO ILLUSTRATIONS TORI WESTHEAD

At the beginning of March, things were looking bleak for Michigan teachers and school officials. The proposed budget cuts left teachers to wonder about the future of their classrooms. But the dawning of Friday, March 11 meant a new frontier for Michigan education, as the answer to these teachers’ prayers arrived in the form of a three minute, forty-eight second piece of YouTube gold.

Rebecca Black’s new music video, “Friday” catapulted to YouTube fame after its fitting Friday debut. By Monday, music critics all over the country were calling it the most introspective, heartfelt songwriting to hit YouTube. By Wednesday, Justin Bieber was reportedly asking his manager how he could emulate Ms. Black’s style.

But perhaps the most enthusiastic reception of all came from the large, vocal group of Michigan educators.

Northern Michigan Kindergarten teacher Carol Ferguson was among the first to recognize the true teaching potential in Ms. Black’s work. Ferguson thinks that “Friday” is the true answer to her young students’ continuing frustration with learning the days of the week. “Getting the order down is just too much for them,” she explained. “They know about Wednesday, they know about Monday, they know we do reading groups on Thursday. But they simply can’t remember which one comes when! I’ve tried the calendar charts and the Barney sing along songs, but nothing seems to work.”

Ferguson was ready to give up when she stumbled upon “Friday.” Immediately, she knew things had changed. “It’s simply perfect for my classroom,” she said.

“When Rebecca sings, ‘Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday, today it is Friday, Friday’ I feel that she is speaking directly to me and my students. The kids are already singing along, something they would never do with Barney.”

Ferguson was worried about the budget cuts, but her fears have been quelled by the video’s emergence. “It’s amazing, really,” she said. “I was so worried about having to sell off my alphabet rug if they cut my funding. But now, I don’t care. All I need to teach are music speakers and Rebecca Black’s voice.”

Community High School social studies teacher Cheryl Grace believes that Ms. Black’s song can be just as useful in a high school environment. “I’ve never seen such an effective musical representation of the problem solving and decision mak-

ing that I teach my students in economics,” she said. “You can tell Rebecca is really thinking about opportunity cost when she chooses whether to sit in the front or the back of the car. ‘Which seat can I take?’ is really a weighted question.”

Grace has gone as far as to instate a special new program in her classes, called “Friday Fridays.” Every Friday, Grace will show the video at the beginning of all her classes. “I really want my students to absorb the message,” she said.

Monroe County choir teacher John Duncan believes that the sound technology used in “Friday,” particularly the auto-tuned effect, takes off some of the pressure on music educators. “I used to really have to try to get my students to sing in tune,” he said. “And God, was it frustrating. I dreaded having to break the news to some of them that they were tone deaf and would never make it in the music world.” Now, however, Duncan no longer has to let down these students.

“Because I heard ‘Friday,’ I can just tell them, ‘You’ll be great. They can just autotune you.’” he explained. “My job has gotten so much more positive.”

Teachers across the state are echoing the sentiments of Grace, Ferguson, and Duncan. Facebook groups with names such as “‘Teachers for Friday’” are gathering hundreds of members, and bumper stickers that say “Rebecca Black for Superintendent” are flying off the shelves.

Community High School English teacher Judith DeWoskin is one of the only teachers that has refused to join the “Friday” bandwagon. DeWoskin is disappointed in the video’s grammar. “’We so excited’?” she said. “’What kind of lyric is that? Can someone please tell me where the verb is in that sentence? That’s right, there isn’t one. Do we really want to teach our students to use sentence fragments?” As a result, DeWoskin has imposed a strict “No Friday” policy in her classroom. Any student caught humming the song receives detention.

Still, DeWoskin is a lone dissenting voice in a crowd of “Friday” enthusiasts.

Most teachers are eagerly anticipating more teaching tools from Rebecca Black. “I can’t wait to see what she comes up with next,” said Grace. “Hopefully, it will be about law.”

4

BREAKING NEWS: Courtney Kiley Not Actually Pregnant, Just Fat

By ELI SUGERMAN

Pregnancy Conspiracist A question asked by freshman and FOS I student, Wayne Anderson, not only broke the rule of “never ask a woman if she’s pregnant,” but also revealed that science teacher Courtney Kiley is not actually pregnant, just fat.

For months, Community High School students have gone about their everyday schedules acknowledging Courtney Kiley’s “pregnant” belly without directly asking her if she was pregnant. Until March 31, 2011, at roughly 11:15 PM, when the “never ask a woman if she’s pregnant rule” was tossed aside.

Just after 4th block FOS I, 14-year-old Wayne Anderson approached Courtney with a simple question. “Originally, I was just gonna ask if I could go to the bathroom,” said Anderson. “She said yes, and on my way out, I noticed she looked fatter. I’ve never been known for thinking about what I say before saying it, so I just said what came to my mind. I don’t see what’s so bad about it, I just asked if she was pregnant.’”

In order to delve deeper into this awkward situation, I caught up with Courtney Kiley, the accused fatty. “I never explicitly told anyone that I was pregnant,” said Kiley. “Sure, I hinted towards it, but I never actually said it.”

University of Michigan sociologist Tim Voss explains why someone would allude towards being pregnant such as Kiley has done for the past 8 months: “Often in cases like Courtney Kiley’s, pregnancy is used as a distraction while the woman works towards achieving her desired fatness.” Specifically, what happens is that the woman “fakes her own pregnancy and eats enough that she grows in the same way as a pregnant woman would, and in the same time frame. Essentially, the woman would eat more and more calories per month, each month, until she looks like an actual 9-month pregnant woman. The problem usually arises when the woman looks 9-months pregnant, but has no baby to show for it.”

“For as long as I can remember, I’ve always hated how skinny I was. Fatness just always seemed like the only option. The only lifestyle I could be happy living is a fatty one, I’m just happy that I can do that now,” explained Kiley.

As far as role models, Kiley has just one. “Homer Simpson!” exclaimed Kiley.

Kiley explained that since the age of 7, she has always “looked up to Homer.” “He was my idol,” explained Kiley. “I love the way that his stomach sticks out and he doesn’t even have to try. It’s just so natural, so beautiful. Ever since I saw Homer for the first time, I have always been jealous of his wonderful chubbiness.”

For Courtney Kiley, this is not the end of her journey to fatness; it is only the beginning. “Just because I’m fat now doesn’t mean I get to relax. I still have to work hard to keep up my weight,” explained Kiley. “These first 9 months have been difficult, but the rest of my life will be an uphill battle to stay fat. To stay the Courtney “Homer” Kiley that I want to be.”

Top Left: Courtney enjoying a salad topped with chocolate Top Right: Munching on some gumballs Bottom Left: Courtnety smashing on a twinkie Bottom Right: Polishing off a two-liter

PHOTOS TORI WESTHEAD

5

Community High’s frolicking team

By Julia DeVartiE Avid Frolicker As the spring sports season starts up, one team to keep an eye on will be the Community High School Frolicking Team. Under the direction of coach Robbie Stapleton and team captain Hank Miller, this will be their second year competing. They played extremely well last year, making it all the way to the state tournament. In the end, though, their scores landed them in second place just behind Dexter High School.

Although it is a relatively new sport, competitive frolicking is quickly gaining the attention of sports educators everywhere. Teachers are finding it easier to engage more students in the sport. Since adding it to their physical education curriculum, Pioneer teachers have said that there has been a large spike in enrollment for classes that offer the game.

“It’s a great sport that’s accessible to a lot of students,” said Stapleton. “You don’t need any experience to join, and the training isn’t as intense as for other sports. And I’ve found that my kids enjoy it much more than their other teams like crew; I never hear them complaining about how grueling the work is. Really, it’s just pure fun.”

The sport itself is simple; players frolic, skip, and prance about the field and are scored by three professional frolickers. The field is meadow-like and has various plots of flowers planted throughout. Each player gets a two minute time in the field for their turn, and at the end, all players join for a five minute group frolic. The scores

– out of ten possible points per player per judge – are based on a variety of things: gracefulness, skipping height, arm involvement, and overall joy. Most importantly, teams can lose crucial points for acts of vulgarity.

“That’s something we’ve really been struggling with this year,” said Miller.

“Some of our new recruits are having a lot of trouble keeping their frolicking G-rated.”

Beyond that, teams can also be docked points for sabatoging the field, including stepping on flowers – a penalty of half a point per flower – and planting traps to trip up other teams, which can disqualify a player from the competition.

“Those Huron kids play dirty,” said Miller. “Last year they tried to stealthily dig holes during their turns, and when it was my turn, it was nearly impossible to skip around them all.

They could have lost us the match!”

Fortunately for Miller and the rest of the team, Huron was disqualified from the match, which left them with not enough wins to qualify for the state tournament.

Despite some minor setbacks, the CHS team is prepared to go all the way this year. Their first match is against Pioneer, and the Rainbow Zebras are predicted to win by a landslide.

“I’m so excited to see how far we can go this year,” concluded Stapleton.

“It’s truly wonderful what these kids are able to do on this team. I’m ready to see us take the state championship, but that could really just be the start.”

PHOTOS: JORDAN SIDEN

6

New Driving Restrictions Mock Trial Team to Defend Mock Surgery Team in Medical Declared Most Ignored Malpractice Lawsuit In Universe

By Eli Sugerman

By Shadi Ahmadmehrabi

Mock Journalist

Has A Car

For years, Community High School’s mock trial team and mock surgery team have co-existed peacefully and independently of each other. However, due to necessity, the mock trial team is preparing to defend Adam Price - a junior mock surgery team member - in a medical malpractice case brought against him and his mock associates by local man Steven Moore.

“It all happened so abruptly,” said Price, the accused mock surgery team member. “We were just sitting around at school practicing- you know, just playing surgical board games, getting a shoe out of a man’s ribcage - then some guy came in saying he ‘needed help.’ This was the real deal, what we had been training for since the beginning of the semester.”

The plaintiff - suing the team, Moore, went for help after an incident that occurred one night. “I was sitting at home eating dinner when all of the sudden I started to choke. I guess I had accidentally eaten food from one of my daughters mock kitchen sets, thinking it was actually dinner.” He continues saying “My wife was upstairs, and I didn’t really want to bother her, so I immediately started driving myself to CHS because I had heard that their mock surgery team was one of the best in the nation.”

Mock trial team captain, Garrett Wood, explains what happened from that point. “From the information I have gathered, Steven Moore arrived at CHS at 5:30 pm - right in the middle of the mock surgery team’s practice - and demanded that he see a mock surgeon right away, as he was choking. Junior mock surgeon Price attempted to remove the plastic food from Moore’s throat, but was unable as his only tools were tweezers, a pencil and less than 2 months of mock surgical experience.” “I just didn’t know what to do,” said Price. He continued “I was just frozen, I guess I had been expecting something like this to happen some time or another, but it was so soon into my mock medial career,” he said as he twiddled his mock stethoscope. “I guess looking back on it, I probably could have reacted better to the situation.”

Mock trial coach Cheryl Grace sums it up. “This is merely a case of a mock surgeon not knowing how to react to the pressure of a real medical emergency other than by poking the choking victim gingerly with all the tools he could find. In my opinion, he did the best he could at the time, given the circumstances.”

“My mock trial team should have no trouble clearing this mock surgeon’s mock name in court,” said Grace, confident in her mock team’s abilities.

The Secretary of State, Peggy Olson, personally delivered millions of letters to 16-year-old drivers in Michigan recently. Each letter was decorated with stickers and stamps in order to make the news seem less dreadful to the entire teenage population; the letter described new driving restrictions which would limit Level 2 license holders to only drive between the hours of 7 am and 4:30 pm. Most teenagers are upset with the law but some remain unchanged. “I guess it’s okay, it doesn’t really affect me that much,” said Max Johnson, a loser. “But I suppose that’s not because I’m 17 or because I can’t drive but rather because I am usually playing World of Warcraft from 4 pm-2 am anyways.”

The law also states that teenagers can only drive with one passenger in the car: their grandmother. The law is part of Rick Snyder’s initiative to aggravate the youth so much that they cannot wait to vote. The new restrictions also play into the new AntiEnvironmental Protection Agency set up by Patty O’Brien (Katie O’Brien’s mother) to eliminate all efforts to carpool and reduce CO2 emissions.

The driving restrictions are designed to eliminate the number one cause of driver distraction: fun. It was recently given the prestigious title of “Most Ignored Law in Universe” by the Committee for Titles, surpassing both “Flossing” and the previous restrictions prohibiting 16-year-olds from driving past midnight.

The State of Michigan, named “Worst Decision-Making State” by the Committee for Titles, hopes to institute the “New Hangout Deal”, which legislature spent four weeks designing after two exhausting hours of balancing the budget, within the teenage culture. The “New Hangout Deal” recommends a daily schedule for teenagers: driving to school, taking standardized tests, driving home from school, then finishing the day at 4:30 by playing bingo with their parents.

The new law also affects driver’s ed classes. A new unit has been added to teach new drivers how to avoid getting caught driving past the limited times. Driving schools will now teach drivers tactics like wearing a fake mustache in order to appear older, camouflaging passengers, and driving below the speed limit. The classes now also recommend befriending 17-year-olds and classmates who have early birthdays.

Similar laws are being drafted in legislature now, limiting 3-year-olds from using a tricycle under the influence of chocolate milk, preventing 14-year-olds from texting more than twice a day, and stopping highschoolers from having any fun whatsoever.

PHOTO: TORI WESTHEAD 7

CHS Hipster Support Group The first step to recovery!

For those who are called hipsters but claim that they are not...or whatever.

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Ironic

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If you are constantly ridiculed for your “hipster tendencies”, then you should join the new CHS Hipster Support Group! Grab your messenger bag, vintage jeans, and Salvation Army flannel and come on down to Cafe Ambrosia for some slam poetry, indie bands, and general obscurity. You may only come if you walk or bike. And don’t bring anything mainstream unless you’re being ironic. Contact President Paul Smith for more information.

Underground.

ILLUSTRATION: SHADI AHMADMEHRABI