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Valentine’s Day Issue 2015
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UW System schools unite against budget By Adelina Yankova THE DAILY CARDINAL
DREW GILMORE/CARDINAL FILE PHOTO
ASM Vice Chair Derek Field said UW-Madison should leverage its size and proximity to the Capitol to oppose proposed budget cuts.
While discontent over Gov. Scott Walker’s proposed biennial budget has created a schism between the state and its public universities, UW System students are more united than ever in their response to the expected changes. The Better UW Initiative, launched Tuesday by UW System student representatives, is a formal campaign emphasizing the dangers of cutting $300 million from the System and the importance of keeping shared governance in state statute. The campaign hopes to inform students at all 26 UW campuses about the potential impacts of Walker’s proposed changes, as well as engage them in talking to their communities and contacting their state representatives to voice concern over the budget, UW-La Crosse Student Association President Kaylee Otterbacher said. “What we need to be asking for
The perfect accompaniment to your holiday + ARTS, page 3
is for the state to invest more in our education,” Otterbacher, who helped to amend and pass the initiative, said. Associated Students of Madison Vice Chair Derek Field worries the “unprecedented decline” in state funding will manifest itself in an immediate hike in tuition for outof-state, graduate and professional students, as well as an increase in in-state tuition when the current tuition freeze expires in 2017. “I think that putting UW in the position to be forced to raise tuition and generate more revenue from tuition dollars is irresponsible and it balances the budget on the backs of students,” Field said. Less support for the System would affect students in both four-year and two-year UW institutions, Field said. UW Colleges Student Governance Council President Graham Pearce said cuts to the System could mean raising the minimum enrollment required for a
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class to run, thus decreasing course selection and potentially forcing students to take more time in completing their degrees. “We don’t have a whole lot of room for any additional budget cuts ... we’re down to the bone,” Pearce said. Along with limiting funding, the proposed budget could jeopardize students’ coveted “seat at the table” should shared governance be eliminated from state statute, a concern all three student government members expressed. “I see [shared governance] being a critical aspect of the loyalty and buy-in that people have into the System,” Pearce said. As student representatives continue to develop materials surrounding the campaign, Otterbacher said members of UW campuses will continue “fighting the student fight.” “It’s a time for us to unite all of our campuses together as one large student body,” she said.
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“…the great state University of Wisconsin should ever encourage that continual and fearless sifting and winnowing by which alone the truth can be found.”
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UW-Madison staff explore the struggles of interracial dating By Jessica Dorsky THE DAILY CARDINAL
The Mixed Race Student Union hosted a panel of UW-Madison staff who explored the difficulties of interracial dating Wednesday. “I am multiracial, so nobody knows where to put me anyway. Anybody I’ve dated is multiracial dating,” said Assistant Dean of Students Joshua Moon Johnson. “It is very interesting to think about, as a multiracial person, what society expects.” Ashley Viager, First-Year seminar coordinator at the Center for First-Year Experience, identifies as multiracial KoreanAmerican. Though she has dated white people, she said she did not get much feedback about the interracial aspect of her relationships until she started dating her current boyfriend, who is black. “Most of my family on the
Korean side are married to white men,” Viager said. “I think for them they would have always preferred I dated a white person compared to anyone else.” Johnson said he had similar sentiments from the Korean side of his family. “It was always expected that we would date white people even though we are half Asian,” Johnson said. Though interracial marriage is legal in the United States and there has been an increase in multiracial people, the panelists said racism still persists. They pointed to a recent Cheerios commercial that received backlash for featuring a biracial couple. “Since the arrival of white people in North America mixed race people have existed on this continent. That has not fixed racism,” Assistant Professor Brigitte
Fielder said. The panelists spoke to the challenges that come with interracial relationships, and gave advice for how they can be addressed. “One of the things I learned relatively early was not to have very much patience with racism. Be careful not to set the bar too low for your expectations of how this ought to work out,” Fielder said. Viager’s interracial relationship has caused tension with friends and family, but also helped her learn about her own racial identity and grow as a person, she said. “As cheesy as it sounds, just remember why you love-slashlike each other,” Viager said. “Things can get really difficult and sometimes you just need to get back to that simple place, and remember why you are together.”
DANA KAMPA/THE DAILY CARDINAL
UW-Madison Assistant Professor Brigitte Fielder discusses persisting racism despite an increase in multiracial people.
Soglin pushes for food equity and responsibility
DER RATHSKELLER
Open Mic Night
During Open Mic Night at Der Rathskeller in Memorial Union Sam Lyons performed a cover of Pharrell’s “Happy.” For the full video of Sam’s performance check The Daily Cardinal’s Youtube page at www.youtube.com/user/TheDailyCardinal. + Photo by Emily Buck
Madison Mayor Paul Soglin criticized Gov. Scott Walker’s plan to drug test food stamp recipients at a press conference Tuesday hosted jointly with Dan Stein, CEO of Second Harvest Foodbank. “Essentially the gist of the comments were that the governor and state legislature continue to demonize the poor instead of offering solutions to the problems ... that make it more unattractive and more difficult to get food on the table,” Mark Woulf, Food and Alcohol Policy coordinator, said. Soglin stressed the necessity of pursuing a “responsible food agenda” at all levels of government, according to a press release. “Food is obviously a huge issue for Mayor Soglin,” Woulf said. “He created my position ... as well as the Madison Food Policy Council.” Currently, Madison’s Food Policy Council is working to
eliminate existing food deserts, which are neighborhoods lacking a nearby grocery store, according to Woulf. Focusing in particular on the Allied Dunn’s Marsh neighborhood, Woulf said the Council is looking at the application process for potential food providers to build a store in the area. In the meantime, Madison Common Council recently approved an emergency provision of $15,000 last week to create a shuttle service to a grocery store for those living in the Allied Dunn’s Marsh area. Those funds should be available to start paying for the shuttle service in about two weeks, according to Woulf. “We look forward to working with our partners from the State and Federal levels of government in making this a fair, equitable and just food system for all,” Soglin said in the release. —Irene Burski
Urban Design Commission discusses plans for the future of the State Street and Capitol area By Jen Wagman THE DAILY CARDINAL
Madison’s Urban Design Commission discussed a new downtown design proposal this Wednesday, adding to the conversation about the future of State Street. The meeting opened with a presentation by Bill Fruhling, the principal planner of a Downtown Plan subset, the Comprehensive Plan. The new plan is intended to be a specific design for the State Street and Capitol area geared
toward a sustainable future. Fruhling recognized the need for a careful balance between retail, bars, restaurants and businesses on State Street, something that Mayor Paul Soglin’s office has recently been monitoring. Fruhling said market research will be conducted to fully understand the area’s trends. “I think what’s going on, in the downtown in particular, is really changing some of the dynamic of this area,” Fruhling said. Soglin’s administration has spent
the term working to reduce alcohol density in Madison, especially on State Street. Soglin’s representatives have appeared before the Alcohol License Review Committee with the common mission of keeping State Street commercially diverse. UDC debated the merits of a comprehensive remodeling plan of the downtown area. Several committee members expressed concern about the wide scope of the project, fearing that it will not accomplish its goals.
The group noted previous one-year plans that turned into four-year projects and have failed to accomplish all of the original tasks. However, the Downtown Plan organizers said the geographic region is small and that the plan is in its beginning stages, underscoring the importance of its “comprehensive” nature. Because planning is still in the early stages, the organizers said they would like input from diverse groups, starting with municipal
committees. UDC is one of few that have heard from Fruhling so far. “Because [State Street] is adjacent to campus, and there are so many students in this area and so many new housing units that are being built are student oriented, we’re going to be really looking for a lot of student participation as … we go through this process,” Fruhling said. The Downtown Plan’s Comprehensive Plan is set to be written in the next couple of months, according to Fruhling.
State legislators introduce ‘Collin’s law’ to require infant screening for nervous system disease State legislators on both sides of the aisle introduced “Collin’s Law” Thursday, which would require Wisconsin newborns to be screened for a nervous system disease known as Krabbe Leukodystrophy. The family of Collin Cushman, a 4-year-old from Wisconsin Rapids, whom the legislation is named after, explained at a press
conference that if the disease is not caught at birth, the treatment would arrive too late and be ineffective. The symptoms begin during the first few months of life and grow more severe. The authors of the proposed bill, state Sen. Julie Lassa, D-Stevens Point, Rep. Todd Novak, R-Dodgeville, and Rep. John Spiros,
R-Marshfield, joined families who have children suffering from the disease at the Capitol Thursday. Krabbe, which affects just one in every 100,000 people in the U.S., damages the protective coating that surrounds nerve cells throughout the nervous system, according to the Mayo Clinic. Left untreated, the disease tends to
claim the lives of its victims before they reach their 2nd birthdays. Available treatment allows patients to survive with the disease, but early detection is crucial. Symptoms often do not appear before the infant is six months old. “It’s estimated that the medical costs of each untreated child affected by Krabbe and similar
types of diseases cost a state at least $700,000 annually,” Lassa said in a statement. “That is in addition to what the families must pay for continuous nursing care for their children.” Lassa added she hopes “Collin’s Law” will enjoy wide bipartisan support. —Will Hoverman
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Valentine’s Day Issue 2015
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Art is the perfect Valentine for singles this holiday MUSIC Don’t listen to these other fools, the only true way to celebrate Valentine’s Day as a single is to assault your ears with the most heart-wrenching songs imaginable. The best part about a single musician’s Valentine’s Day is that you can be sad anywhere! Just plug in your headphones and you can longingly wonder how your exgirlfriend has been doing on the go! Singles’ activities on Valentine’s Day can be paired with music like cheese to a fine wine. I recommend pairing a lonesome nature walk with some thick, fuzzy shoegaze. For instance, something along the lines of “Loveless” by My Bloody Valentine. If you’re looking at pictures of that one time you and Nora baked cookies together (Nora, if you’re reading this, please come back we can make this work), I recommend some crisp Midwestern emo along the lines of American Football and their self-titled LP. It’s gonna be a lonely V-Day, so why don’t you plug in those noise-canceling headphones so you can stop pestering all those happy people in relationships? —Jake Witz
TELEVISION Single on Valentine’s Day? Not to worry! I know a very special someone who would be more than willing to get to know you better (like, romantically). Its name is Netflix, and I think you two are going to get along great. Feeling the futility of love? Try “Luther,” Idris Elba’s BBC drama about a detective who very much feels that futility
(and solves crimes to boot!). But maybe that’s not quite enough. You really want romantically entangled people to suck it. Well, your new lover Netflix has you there too. Watch “Broadchurch,” a show about how horrible it is to fall in love and have kids and then live through the murder of your youngest child. If that grim description
ONLINE MEDIA didn’t turn you on, then you should probably just watch something happier. Like “Chuck” or “Friends” or something along those lines. You know, one of those shows where people like and trust each other. Just make sure you treat Netflix right—it’s a good friend of mine. —Jake Smasal
QUEER MEDIA Valentine’s Day is a hop, skip and a jump away, and I honestly don’t care this year. Friends of mine lambast it as a capitalistic ploy for greeting card companies, while others think it’s a day for couples to prance around and show off that they’ve found a person with whom to have sex. For me as a gay man, it’s less about what other people, or scary corporations, are doing, but how I currently feel in the gay dating “scene.” “Modern Family” is—stereotypes aside—a fantastic example of a married gay couple and their relationships with family, friends and their children. But, I’m not going to hop on
Grindr and find a man who will become a perfect husband. Then there’s “Looking,” HBO’s “Girls” for gays—they even share the lack of minority main characters! “Looking” tells me it’s okay to be in messy, complicated relationships, but then, in the season two promo, the show seemed to be promoting a “choice” for the main character between two men. We must have monogamy, the show says, but not without drama! Where’s the happy medium? These two shows aren’t alone, and they’re telling gay men they must either find a husband and settle down or screw whoever they want and then find someone for a long-term relationship.
If I want to see relationships that reflect how I’m currently living, I’m going to turn to “Broad City,” where the main characters have varied sexual experiences that are new and fresh for themselves. Gay media—at least what I’ve been exposed to—needs to break away from the heteronormativity of long-term relationships. Otherwise, it will cease to reflect the men to which they’re marketing. All I know for this weekend is I’m going to marathon “Broad City” while spending time with the two men that really matter in my life: Ben and Jerry. —Conor Murphy
Usually on Valentine’s Day I like to send both my single and taken friends moderately inappropriate Valentine’s memes. Last year they were flappy bird themed and I was shocked to find so many. This year I stumbled upon three dozen—again I was very alarmed at the number— slightly more than moderately inappropriate Pixar Valentine’s Day memes. On Feb. 14, as I finish an extra-large black olive and extra cheese pizza, they will be penetrating my friends’ Facebook inboxes much to their dismay. Then for my own entertainment and emotional destruction I will be watching YouTube videos of the most elaborate and beautiful proposals and sobbing into said pizza as I realize just how forever alone I actually am. After I struggle to pull myself back together from sobbing uncontrollably on the floor, I will probably watch some “That 70’s Show” on Netflix to pick my mood back up, the same thing I do after watching a scary movie. Although I will be alone on Hallmark’s holiday, at least the Internet will be there to comfort me with Netflix, semiinappropriate e-cards and Lifetime movies. —Abbie Ruckdashel
‘Better Call Saul’ cannot be compared to the failures of ‘Joey’
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he show “Breaking Bad” is widely considered to be one of the greatest television programs of the last decade, if not of all time. I agree with this assessment; it’s entertaining, well written, addictive and engaging. So, when I rushed home from work on Sunday night to watch the premiere of “Better Call Saul,” I was expecting something very similar to “Breaking Bad.”
To conclude, ‘Better Call Saul’ stands as an independent achievement for Gilligan and compan. Come for the ‘Breaking Bad,’ stay for something more. Generally, that wouldn’t be too far-fetched; if you’re making a spinoff, you only change it enough to let watchers know the material is just new enough to be interesting. Sometimes this works… and sometimes you get a show like “Joey.” I spent months hoping “Better Call Saul” would not be the next “Joey,” and that the writers would see the potential of Saul alone and not ruin his character forever. Yet, it takes approximately eight seconds to see the “Breaking Bad” in “Better Call
Saul” takes flight, McGill is a diamond in the rough. You can definitely see the finished product, but the show is going to need some cutting and polishing before it becomes the scumbag we know and love.
If you’re making a spinoff, you only change it enough to let watchers know the material is just new enough to be interesting. Sometimes this works... and sometimes you get a show like ‘Joey.’
“Better Call Saul,” however, is not without its little bits of fan service. Mike Ehramantraut has a delightful scene as a disgruntled (because of course he was going to be disgruntled) toll booth operator who gives our anti-hero a pretty hard time. The Asian nail salon is back with koi, cucumber water and everything. Tuco (!!!) even makes an appearance at the end of the pilot. To conclude, “Better Call Saul” stands as an independent achievement for Gilligan and company. Come for the “Breaking Bad,” stay for something more. Are you as excited about “Better Call Saul” as Jake? What do you hope they will include in the new series? Is this show going to be a disappointment like the show “Joey” was? Let Jake know at smasal@ wisc.edu.
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Saul.” The arid cul-de-sacs of Arizona and New Mexico, the style of dress, the humor; all the little things are there. However, it takes only a minute to start to see the differences between “Breaking Bad” and Vince Gilligan’s new program. “Breaking Bad” is almost immediately a very tense show: Walter White’s conflict develops by the end of the pilot. The comedy is small, and reserved for uncomfortable and tense moments. A Jesse Pinkman outburst or a pizza on the roof were enough to lighten the mood and keep us involved without wearing us down (something all great dramas do). “Better Call Saul,” however, is funny almost from the get go. After a short sequence alluding to Saul’s post-“Breaking Bad” life, we cut to Saul (who I guess is actually named Jimmy McGill) defending three teenagers who cut the head off a corpse and then proceeded to have intimate relations with said head. The setup is hilarious. The reveal is hilarious. It’s all hilarious. The entire scene is ridiculous, and it sets the tone for the rest of the episode. Part of the reason the pilot works so well is because this is not Saul Goodman as we know him. He’s not calm, cool, collected or even the slightest bit confident. He can’t really convince anyone of anything; by the end of the pilot, he’s even gotten himself cut out of his own scheme. Yet, the beginnings of Saul are evident. As “Better Call
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Feb. 14: a chorus of bad reminders Lilly Hanson Opinion Columnist
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f there is one thing I have learned from being single my entire existence, it is that holidays are the worst. Well, I’ve also learned that being single gives you more hours of free time to sit around looking your absolute worst without being judged. But holidays are most definitely the worst times to be single, because everywhere you look it seems that everyone else is… not single.
But why is it that even the creepy kid in your discussion seems to be in love during February?
The worst holiday of all time is Valentine’s Day. It is an in-your-face reminder that you have no one to catch you as you land ass-first on the cold, hard February ice. And when that reminder hits you
at every possible turn, it stings worse than the ice. The only possible way to escape the coupling occurring everywhere is to lock yourself in your house and consume unhealthy amounts of discounted chocolate and Ramen (a combination I have recently discovered pairs quite nicely). But why is it that even the creepy kid in your discussion seems to be in love during February? I think the more important question is: why is it that single people should be shamed for not finding someone? While I was at a family brunch, I was questioned by everyone, including my young cousin, about what my relationship status was. Despite my Facebook still saying “single,” they thought perhaps at college or during the holiday season I had stumbled upon someone who found me decent enough to date. As they continued to question me about eligible bachelors to “set me up with” for the season, I thought, is this really what the season of love is about? Do we really just need one good fling to make us happy during Valentine’s? Of course the answer is no. The true meaning of Valentine’s Day, which everyone knows, is
buying as many presents for yourself and pretending like they came from someone else. Which is why I bought myself the best-selling self-help book “If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?”
Do we really just need one good fling to make us happy during Valentine’s?
The book lists ten strategies that will change my love life forever. While I figured that the best ways to make myself more eligible would be to enlarge my non-existent breasts to size XXX or change my personality to be more like Kristen Wiig’s impersonation of Shana on Saturday Night Live, the book simply stated that I should make myself more available and quit searching because I would find someone when I am least expecting. Though these phrases made me feel better about myself for half a second, I ultimately continued to feel like crap. This might have been due to the fact that my diet of chocolate, Ramen and Diet Coke had
been affecting my intestines in ways I never imagined. This brings me to my rant of the things that single people hate to hear. I don’t know why everyone thinks that single people need consoling on the basis that they are single. Personally, through my 18 years of being single I have discovered things about myself that I would have never been able to if I was busy planning dates with my significant other. But going back to my rant, there is nothing worse than hearing: “How are you still single? You are just so great.” I mean, what is the typical response to something like that? “Yes, I know I am great, but not great enough for any
I want to stop caring about what people think and stop thinking about my relationship status.
of my male acquaintances?” Or is it better to be more humble and say “No, stop. I’m not great. You’re the great one, which is why you have someone.” These are the types of things that keep me up at night
(along with my bowel movements from my crappy diet). I barely get any sleep as I ponder these questions that I am asked constantly. Because I am definitely sleep deprived, my Valentine’s Day ideal date is to get some sleep and stop worrying about how to respond to these questions. I want to stop caring about what people think and stop thinking about my relationship status. I will never understand why people feel the need to ask me about my nonexistent boyfriend, but what I do understand is that I have no obligation to feel bad about being single. And with that being said, I am going to reserve a table for one at a restaurant. Lilly is a freshman writer for The Daily Cardinal. What do you think of her perspective? Is Valentine’s Day just a torturous experience for single people filled with the constant feeling of mindnumbing solitude? Or is the holiday an expression of the beauty that love and affection can bring into someone’s life? Or, is the day just a capitalist exploitation of a person’s longing for someone to share their life with? We want to know what you think. Please send all comments to opinion@ dailycardinal.com
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Terms and conditions may apply. For details, see The Daily Cardinal staff’s guide to having the perfect Valentine’s Day.
On singlehood: ALL CA GRAP ME RO HICS NG B RA Y FF
On not letting Hallmark dictate your relationship: Valentine’s Day is not an excuse to treat your significant other special—that’s called “every day of your relationship.” If you only buy flowers or go somewhere special with your significant other on Valentine’s Day then you’re doing this whole relationship thing wrong. It shouldn’t take this Hallmark holiday for you to appreciate your significant other and want to treat them right. This doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t go all-out this Saturday, but you should make an effort to go all-out next Saturday and the Saturday after that as well. Strapped for cash? A card handmade from a piece of printer paper will likely elicit a response far more genuine and loving than dropping $80 on a plate of pasta and a glass of 11-year-old Merlot. Here’s the bottom line: You can’t just show up one day a year and expect to coast for the other 364. —Cullen Voss
I’m not asking all the Single Ladies to put their hands up. Don’t waste your time participating in Buzzfeed’s “Ultimate Valentine’s Day Drinking Game,” which would end with a horrible hangover after taking a sip for every PDA you encounter. If there’s one piece of advice I can give to the boy/girlfriend-less this Valentine’s Day, it’s to follow in the footsteps of the great Amy Poehler, or in this case Leslie Knope. It only takes one episode of “Parks and Rec” to discover Knope puts her friends before everything else, even deeming February 13 “Galentine’s Day,” a breakfast devoted to her closest friends. Knope has it right. Why waste money on the hyper-pink seasonal section of Walgreen’s when you can spend it on waffles, pancakes and bacon? So don’t compare your life to a Taylor Swift album— instead, treat yo’self. Hit up Mickies Dairy Bar or Bassett Street Brunch Club and toast with your friends, celebrating the best relationships out there. —Ellie Herman
ON PRESENTS:
On doin’ the dirty: This weekend, give your Valentine something even more special than usual. We know everyone loves a good trip downtown, and playing in our partner’s netherlands can be a special Valentine’s treat. And what could be a better way to enhance oral than by giving ourselves a tasty treat while we’re down there? Blow jobs are the perfect opportunity to use some whipped cream, chocolate and crunchy peanut butter (maybe?) on our friend’s dong. Maybe we can even eat a doughnut while licking the glaze off that sheen peen. We just need to remember to lick that sucker clean (or wash it clean) before inserting it into other orifices to avoid yeasty infections. Eating pussy can be just as tasty as sucking dick, but we need to take a little more precaution. We should always use sex dams (available for free in the Sex Out Loud office!) before putting anything sugary on or around our partner’s lady junk. Sure, slap down some ice cream or chocolate sauce, just make sure everyone’s body is protected first! Happy Vaginatime’s Day! —Alex Tucker
Who are Daily Cardinal staff members lovin’ (or lovin’ to hate) this weekend?
Be ours, Valentines.
On embracing all love: Everyone knows how annoying it can be to walk around on Valentine’s Day and see hundreds of perfectly gendered people with perfectly gendered significant others holding hands. Feb. 14 has long been devoted to the “one man, one woman” mantra in the most literal terms, but that doesn’t mean you need to hate it. Instead, make it your own, whether or not you have a significant other, and do things meaningful to you. As for those for whom that mantra works, remember that it might not work for everyone. Try to choose your pronouns carefully this Saturday. Valentine’s Day is about love, not gender roles. —Andrew Hahn
Dear significant other of nearly three years, Thanks for pretending to be asleep whenever I accidentally fart so loud that it wakes us both up.
Dear roommate, Our mutual lack of interest in taking out the garbage and shared hatred of the same people/ cats is one of the things I love most about us. You deserve more Jack’s frozen pizzas than I can afford.
Hey, Valentine, how about something that doesn’t slowly die on my desk and thus remind me of the fragility of life? I’m here to rally for something more lasting for this holiday, the alternative to a handful of gas station carnations or florist-finessed bouquet: a living, breathing plant. Plants can say (not literally, although I’ve heard talking to them helps) a multitude of things to the recipient. For a pal you might want to catch off guard with a surprise Valentine’s Day gesture: I appreciate you! To a cutie you’ve kind of been hanging out with lately but haven’t reached officially official status: wow ur 2 adorable just like this cactus <3. To a significant other you’ve been with for so long that you know all their childhood pet’s middle names: Hey, look how much we have grown together! I’m officially proclaiming plants as the Hot Alt Gift of 2015. They’re less about mushy love and more about appreciation and TLC. As long as you don’t pull a Kate Hudson in How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days (“Our love fern! You let it die!”) then this gift is low-key enough for almost any situation. Check out Willy Street Co-op’s assortment of neat potted plants for inspiration. —Marina Oliver
Dear my body, How you ran on nothing but nacho cheese, fish sticks, stale Union coffee and $3 wine for four years, I’ll will never understand. Don’t ever change.
Dear Ilana and Abbi of “Broad City,” Thank you for enlightening me about all the different ways to utilize one’s front hole, among them natural, responsible storage.
Dear ex-boyfriend from high school who I thought I was going to marry, You’re welcome for never telling anyone (including you) about me finding a massive poop schmear up your buttcrack one time when we were making out.
Dear couple that’s been dating for six months and just got engaged, Congratulations (to your future divorce attorney)!
Dear St. Valentine, Sorry we took the day you were beaten, stoned and beheaded for your religious beliefs and turned it into a day of chocolate-laced, PDAsoaked capitalist bullshit. You the real MVP.
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Valentine’s Day Issue 2015
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News Team News Manager Adelina Yankova Campus Editor Bri Maas College Editor Ellie Herman City Editor Irene Burski State Editor Andrew Hahn Associate News Editor Laura Grulke Features Editor Gilly McBride Opinion Editors Max Lenz • Cullen Voss Editorial Board Chair Haley Henschel Arts Editors Allison Garcia • Conor Murphy Sports Editors Jack Baer • Jim Dayton Almanac Editors Dylan Anderson • Andy Holsteen Photo Editors Emily Buck • Thomas Yonash Associate Photo Editor Will Chizek Graphics Editor Cameron Graff Multimedia Editor Ian Zangs Science Editor Danielle Smith Life & Style Editor Claire Satterfield Special Pages Editor Haley Henschel Copy Chiefs Theda Berry • Kara Evenson Jessie Rodgers • Paige Villiard Copy Editors Ellie Borstad • Mara Jezior John Joutras • Ellisa Kosadi Social Media Manager Madison Schiller
Alvarez walks in on Paul Chryst building office fort of spitters By Brett Klinkner The daily cardinal
In a partly horrifying, partly impressive discovery Wednesday afternoon, Wisconsin Athletic Director Barry Alvarez walked in on newly hired head football coach Paul Chryst in the middle of his office constructing a vast fort out of chewing tobacco tins and personal spitters. Aside from the hundreds, maybe thousands of chaw tins, the makeshift spittoons ranged from cans of Diet Coke and Coors Light to Solo cups and Budweiser bottles, the latter of which Chryst claimed were utilized for “structural integrity.” “Yeah, I really caught my stride around noon, got into the zone and built straight through my second of two daily lunch periods,” Chryst told Cardinal reporters. “When a couple of
the fort bricks—I call my spitters ‘fort bricks’—aren’t fitting together right, or seem unstable, I slather a bit of the tobackyjuice in my mouth onto a pair to really cement ’em together.” While Alvarez admitted to feeling repulsed and skeptical at first, both socially and professionally, he really came around when Chryst passionately divulged his plans for a weekly conference between the two called “Camp Randall Office Fort Chug-’N’-Chew Movie Night,” inadvertently spraying lipper shrapnel across the room as he did so. “He may be a maverick, and a little stinker at that, but I love how he has begun to innovate, apply himself and take initiative with things early on in his tenure here,” Alvarez said as he stood in a corner of his coach’s office, arms crossed, surveying
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Board of Directors Herman Baumann, President Jack Casey • Jonah Beleckis Jennifer Sereno • Stephen DiTullio Brett Bachman • Janet Larson Don Miner • Phil Brinkman Jason Stein • Nancy Sandy Corissa Pennow • Victoria Fok Tina Zavoral © 2015, The Daily Cardinal Media Corporation ISSN 0011-5398
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“When a couple of the fort bricks—I call my spitters ‘fort bricks’—aren’t fitting together right, or seem unstable, I slather a bit of the tobacky-juice in my mouth onto a pair to really cement ’em together.” Paul Chryst head coach wisconsin badgers
“He’s like a little kid in a toy store, look at him,” Alvarez continued. “You can’t help but share the joy when you look at his smile… what kind of tyran-
By Dylan Anderson the daily cardinal
business@dailycardinal.com Business Manager Brett Bachman Advertising Manager Corissa Pennow Marketing Director Victoria Fok
Jack Casey • Jonah Beleckis Haley Henschel • Cullen Voss Max Lenz • Michael Penn II Kayla Schmidt • Conor Murphy Andy Holsteen
his underling’s progress. “We targeted Pauly on our short list and stole him from Pittsburgh for a variety of reasons. This is certainly not one of them— I assure you that this is not one of them—but I’m not mad about it.”
nical, cold-hearted dictator would put an end to that?” As Cardinal reporters left the scene, Chryst tossed in a “chew-merang” of his own as he offered up “a pinch of that sweet, sweet [long-cut, spearmint] Skoal X-tra,” which they politely declined, in addition to rebuffing his follow-up offer of a “cold one for the road.” At press time, Chryst—a horseshoe-sized fatty installed in both top and bottom lip—had slid a Home Alone 2: Lost in New York DVD into the fort’s entertainment system, diving into the blanket-and-pillow amalgam that Alvarez currently occupied before launching into a soliloquy centered on the exceptional John Hughes franchise and how Home Alone 3 deserves its merits but could never stand up to the Macaulay Culkin-starring first and second installments.
Madison Mallards spend offseason playing Trivia Quack
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Recessive gene tired of being second best; plots to kill his dominant counterpart By Noah Mack The daily cardinal
A recessive gene was reportedly “fed up” with being in the shadow of its brother the dominant gene. Late Tuesday evening, the recessive gene finally came forward with his feelings toward his counterpart and vowed to exterminate the egotistical gene. “All I’ve wanted my entire life was be first place at SOMETHING,” the recessive gene stated. “That dominant little shit is always replacing me and I’m so sick of it.” The miniscule amount of genetic information then went on to say he wasn’t opposed to taking drastic measures to be expressed. It even went on to talk about permanently eradicating all dominant genes, much to the opposition of his arrogant colleague.
“Bro… BRO… I’ll always win this argument. Red hair? Nah I think I’ll make it brown. Blue eyes? Ah, fuck that man that’s gonna be brown too! It’s funny when he thinks he can change the way someone looks, he’s a disgrace to genetics,” exclaimed the dominant gene in a series of Cs, Gs, Ts and As. “I’ve been passed down through so many generations. He’s the definition of a moocher.” The recessive gene ignored the ramblings of the tyrannical dominant gene to focus on its ultimate plan to dethrone its nemesis. Cardinal reporters used all their insiders to attempt to unearth its plot but the gene’s millennia of incognito experience made the endeavor impossible. At press time, redheads around the world rejoiced after hearing the initial reports.
Members of the Madison Mallards baseball team of the Northwoods League have been neglecting most of their traditional offseason activities to spend copious hours playing the hit duck trivia mobile app called Trivia Quack. The Mallards players, who are collegiate student athletes during the school year and semi-pro ballplayers during the summer, have been overwhelmingly consumed and mesmerized by the application’s spinning wheel that lands on one of six categories ranging from “bills” to “noises.” “Me ’n’ the boys have been ‘quackin’ it up all winter long,” slugger infielder Pete “Bombski” Alonso said while his thumbs eagerly anticipated the next question about the specific type of oil that mallards excrete to stay dry. “I thought huntin’ ’em with my pops
was fun but that just don’t compare to this business.” Many of the Mallards players have been dropped from their NCAA Division I baseball programs due to missing too many crucial offseason workouts and practices while submerged in the game that tests users on all things duck. Pitcher Andrew Buckley has allowed his addiction to be so detrimental that the University of California-Berkeley has placed him on academic probation. “Ropes, as I like to call him, better get his keester back in line,” Manager Zeke “ZZ Top” Zimmerman said through his long red beard. “If he ain’t get his grades up that boy gonna be riding the pine before you can say ‘chin music.’” Northwoods League sources have reported that the Madison Mallards have requested to have their name officially changed to the Dane County Deer.
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comics Valentine’s Day Issue 2015
dailycardinal.com • 7
Hang loose
Today’s Sudoku
Future Freaks
By Joel Cryer jcryer@wisc.edu
© Puzzles by Pappocom
Solution, tips and computer program available at www.sudoku.com.
Fill in the grid so that every row, every column and every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 through 9.
FACT OF THE DAY: Cats sleep an average of 12-15 hours per day.
Ludwig the Bonzai
Evil Bird Classic
ACROSS 1 Coarse sound 5 Rear end 9 Some cards 14 Blue Bonnet, e.g. 15 "Render therefore ___ Caesar ..." 16 Certain Arab 17 Ski-resort transport 18 Nautical pronouns 19 More unclothed 20 The moon, essentially 23 Cutlass handle 24 Geological time unit 25 Take out or away 28 Cowboy’s footwear 30 1/20 ton (Abbr.) 33 Kick out of the country 34 Something to seed 35 Cawing bird 36 Imaginary shell formed by the sky 39 New Mexico art community 40 European deer 41 No longer confined 42 They’ve been tagged 43 Darn, as socks 44 Yielded as profit 45 Long Island iced cocktail 46 "No" voter 47 Madison Bumgarner, in 2014 54 Place for a "steak-out" 55 Follows a cooking instruction
Well I‛m sorry but he really wanted to make that catch
BEEEEEEEE....
Today’s Crossword Puzzle
We all have colds
By Thomas Martell tmartell@wisc.edu
I would like to thank Jesus for answering my prayers and for helping make that catch
By Caitlin Kirihara kirihara@wisc.edu
56 57 58 59 60
Blue shade Showed initiative Recite (with "off") Old lab burner "Toy Story" character 61 "Green Gables" name 2 Kind of period or 6 home DOWN 1 Mechanical repetition 2 Jessica of Hollywood 3 Burn the surface of 4 Some allow you to see the sea 5 Bit of a fight 6 Doff poetically 7 "Don’t change this!" 8 Nozzle connector 9 Miscellaneous collection 10 With great force 11 Ox-pulled vehicle 12 Proposer’s prop? 13 "Dear" one 21 Bee abodes 22 Spinks and Uris 25 Prefix meaning "straight" 26 Priest’s leave 27 "Amadeus" director Forman 28 Sounded sheepish? 29 Nocturnal
screechers 30 Legendary king of Thebes 31 What things could always be 32 Classic suit type 34 King of the jungle 35 Sunday singer 37 Tire’s "footprint" 38 Food holder 43 Sequence of notes in a song 44 Isolate, as Napoleon Bonaparte 45 Took a stab at 46 Elizabeth of cosmetics fame 47 Baylor University town 48 He drives Bart to school 49 "Nobody doesn’t like ___ Lee" 50 Adam and Eve’s domain 51 Allocate (with "out") 52 Small-business vehicles, sometimes 53 Surveyor’s work product 54 Foot with a claw
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Sports
Valentine’s Day Issue 2015 DailyCardinal.com
Men’s Basketball
Making Kaminsky’s Wooden Award case By Jack Baer the daily cardinal
The Wooden Award committee came out Wednesday with their short list of the 20 players in the country that can win the prestigious Wooden Player of the Year award. Of course, they could likely have just shortened that list to two players. Those two would be Wisconsin senior center Frank Kaminsky and Duke freshman center Jahlil Okafor, with Ohio State freshman guard D’Angelo Russell and Notre Dame senior guard Jerian Grant peering longingly through the icy windowsill. Okafor was the juggernaut coming into this season, in the vein of Anthony Davis and Andrew Wiggins. He was the preseason Player of the Year for the AP, NBC Sports, CBS Sports and ESPN as a freshman. He’s considered the most offensively advanced low-post scorer in recent college basketball history and the consensus pick to hear his name called first in the 2015 NBA Draft. And he hasn’t disappointed this season. He’s averaging 18.0 points per game on 66.5 percent shooting (!) and 9.1 rebounds per game, all superior to fellow center Kaminsky’s 17.3 on 54.0 per-
Stat Category
cent and 8.3. All season, he’s held strong as the Player of the Year frontrunner, with Kaminsky frequently second. Now, you could say, “Hey, Okafor has the better stats in arguably the three most important basic stats for a center, he should win,” and call it a day. But when you go deeper, you see this isn’t that simple. For starters, Kaminsky and Okafor could not play more different roles on offense for their teams (defensively, their roles are similar except Kaminsky switches to other players much more often). Whereas Okafor makes his lunch with his back to the basket, Kaminsky plays like a guard on stilts, driving and shooting from deep as often as he bangs in the low post. This partially explains why Okafor’s field goal percentage is so astronomically high when compared to Kaminsky’s—spoiler alert, it’s harder to make a shot from 15 feet than five (look at DeAndre Jordan of the NBA’s Clippers, who is shooting 72.5 percent thanks to a healthy diet of dunks and set plays). Using effective field goal percentage, which factors in the extra point awarded to
Kaminsky
Okafor
126.3
119.1
Usage Rate
27.5
28.0
Effective FG %
58.6
66.5
True Shooting %
62.4
65.2
O-Rebounding %
6.7
16.3
D-Rebounding %
26.5
18.7
Assist Rate
18.3
9.9
Turnover Rate
10.9
18.2
Block Rate
5.6
4.7
Steal Rate
1.7
1.6
Offensive Rating
stats courtesy kenpom.com
3-pointers, it’s a bit closer: Okafor’s 66.5 to Kaminsky’s 58.6. Using true shooting percentage, which also factors in free throw shooting, it’s even closer due to Kaminsky owning a free throw percentage about 20 points higher than Okafor. It’s not exactly a secret that Bo Ryan’s offensive philosophy is based on players that can do it all from any position: guards who can rebound and big men who can spread the floor. What makes Kaminsky so valuable is his ability to perfectly fill that second role, receiving the ball on the perimeter and being able to distribute or take a deep shot. Still, there’s no denying Okafor makes more of his shots than Kaminsky. That also may be the only thing Okafor does objectively better than Kaminsky. Both are used on approximately 28 percent of their team’s possessions, but the Badger offense Kaminsky plays on is historically efficient, currently standing as the best Kenpom has ever recorded (Duke’s no slouch though, coming in at No. 4 in the country). Despite Okafor’s better shooting, Kaminsky owns a mightily higher Kenpom offensive rating, 126.3 to 119.1, due to superior assist and turnover percentages. It’s Frank efficiency. That’s just on offense, too. Kaminsky is a better defender by objective measures, owning a significantly higher block rate while often being forced to defend smaller forwards and sometimes guards, thanks to Wisconsin’s frequent defensive switches. Okafor has improved defensively as the season has progressed, but he’s still not going to be drafted on the strength of his defense. Rebounding basically plays out to a push; Okafor grabs offensive rebounds at a vastly higher rate than Kaminsky, and vice versa with defensive rebounding. The first can be explained by Kaminsky frequently playing the perimeter, the second by Wisconsin forgoing transition offense to focus on defensive rebounding.
wil gibb/cardinal file photo
Frank Kaminsky and Jahlil Okafor are the leading candidates for the Wooden Award, given annually to the player of the year. Wisconsin’s head-to-head matchup is frequently cited as a point in Okafor’s favor, but it really shouldn’t weigh in too much. Yes, Okafor’s team won, but that was thanks to the superb play of Tyus Jones, not Okafor. Kaminsky out-scored and out-rebounded Okafor in that game, but took more shots and minutes to do it. Overall, it’s a wash. This debate is by no means over, both in argument and in season, but Kaminsky has simply been the better player in the 2014-’15 season. Okafor has the better traditional big-man stats, but that’s due to a mix of his
paint-focused role with Duke and that the Blue Devils average about seven more possessions per game than the Badgers, giving Okafor more chances at field goals and rebounds. He might be the better NBA talent, but this is the Player of the Year award, not the Player of the Next 10 Years. And if Okafor really wants the prize, he can just forego the draft and come back next year. When Kaminsky walks into the Kohl Center Sunday to play Illinois (6-5 Big Ten, 16-8 overall), he should be considered the best player in the country. Tipoff is scheduled for 12 p.m.
Women’s Hockey
Former Verona standout Kepler now stars for Ohio State By Lorin Cox the daily cardinal
With the playoffs right around the corner, the Badgers head to Ohio State for their last road series of the season. For the Buckeyes’ leading scorer, sophomore forward Claudia Kepler, it is a little taste of home coming to Columbus. Kepler attended Verona Area High School, just 10 miles southeast of the UW campus, and played junior hockey for the Madison Capitols. Before agreeing to go to OSU, she had offers from Wisconsin, Minnesota State-Mankato, Dartmouth and Providence. The Badgers were reportedly her number one choice, but Ohio State felt like the best fit for her.
“I really felt like Ohio State was the right place for me.” Kepler told Connect Verona at the time. “They really made me feel wanted.” Head coach Mark Johnson may be regretting not bringing in the local prospect, who has flourished with the Buckeyes. As a freshman last year, she led OSU in goals with 13, finishing second in the WCHA among freshmen in that category. For comparison, current UW breakout freshman forward Annie Pankowski has 15 goals so far. This season, Kepler is tied for first on the team with 10 goals, while leading her squad with 101 shots on goal. Her production is a big reason OSU is only four points out of fourth place and a home playoff series.
Sitting so close to fourth place North Dakota and third place Minnesota-Duluth makes every remaining game all the more important for the Buckeyes. They should be extra motivated to try and pull off the upset over the Badgers, who are undefeated over their last seven games. Pankowski and senior center Blayre Turnbull are carrying Wisconsin as of late, combining for 10 goals over the team’s last five games. Pankowski earned her second career hat trick on Jan. 25 against Clarkson, and Turnbull earned her first career hat trick last Saturday against Minnesota-Duluth. UW has also shut out its opponents in four of the last five games, due in part to some great goaltending by sopho-
more Ann-Renée Desbiens. She now has 11 shutouts on the season, and her teammates know she’s got their backs.
“I really felt like Ohio State was the right place for me. They really made me feel wanted.” Claudia Kepler forward ohio state women’s hockey
“I think it’s huge when we have Ann-Renée in the net. She’s a great goaltender,” said sophomore forward Sydney McKibbon. “When we’re all playing a good defensive game that helps. When everyone is
thinking defense first, AnnRenée can get the shutout.” Kepler and the Buckeyes will have their work cut out for them as they look to get the puck past Desbiens and earn crucial conference points against Wisconsin. OSU has some momentum of its own, coming off a 6-0 win over Minnesota State. Kepler didn’t register a point and only put one shot on goal, but her teammates carried the load for the decisive win. The first matchup between Wisconsin and Ohio State was dominated by the Badgers with 6-0 and 3-0 wins, but both teams have grown a lot since then and OSU is a much more formidable opponent than those score lines suggest.