Mike Bruesewitz wants you to know
GOP files request for e-mails from Biddy’s dog, Oscar. Details emerge of torrid affair with some bitch.
Guest column: Yes, ladies, the carpet does match the drapes
PUPPY LOVIN’ l PAGE B7
University of Wisconsin-Madison
Delivering news we actually write since 1892
l
WALKER HAS GOOD IDEA
first lastname/associated press
Gov. Scott Walker stunned Wisconsin Thursday when he announced an idea that wasn’t horrible.
dailycardinal.com
OPINION
l
C12
Weekend, April 1-3, 2011
AP: Republican drum circle occupies TAA office MADISON (AP)—Several Republican lawmakers were charged with trespassing and marijuana possession after they staged an occupation of the UW-Madison Teaching Assistants’ Association headquarters Thursday. TAA President Kevin Gibbons was approaching the office around 8 p.m. when he heard a faint drum beat and whiffed some “really skunky ganja.” An anonymous Republican state senator admitted to supplying the sticky icky, claiming it was his way of getting back at “the man.” “You know, we have been busting our asses just trying to balance the budget, and these guys, and that judge, and now the recall. Recall this motherfu-” the senator said before passing out on his halfeaten burrito. Senate Majority Leader Scott Fitzgerald, R-Juneau, admitted they
were originally planning on camping out on Dane County Judge Maryann Sumi’s lawn, but said the TAA office “was, like, way closer to Qdoba.” State Rep. Steve Nass, R-Whitewater, reportedly chained himself to a desk to keep the Republicans’ drum circle going after the police took his bongos away. When asked if he knew anything about the protest, Gov. Scott Walker said he “had no idea. I was just at home with the kids, being a family guy, doing what the taxpayers of Wisconsin elected me to do.” “That’s bullshit,” state Sen. Alberta Darling, R-River Hills, said. “Scotty bailed when the plan changed. Said he ‘didn’t feel comfortable in an academic setting.’ Whatever, bro.” As police arrested him, State Sen. Glenn Grothman, R-West Bend, reportedly turned to the group and said “Guys, this is the best idea we’ve had in a long time.”
AP: State dazed by governor’s stunning display of competence Reactions to Walker’s idea
ap poll
What do Wisconsinites think of Gov. Scott Walker’s latest, seemingly OK idea?
45% Quizzical arched eyebrow 24% “He said that? No, that can’t be right”
20% “Huh. Well, I guess so” 10% “Sorry, can’t hear you over this drum circle”
1% “I am opposed to anything even moderately reasonable, so I’m against it” (Fitzgerald brothers)
MADISON (AP)—Gov. Scott Walker shocked Wisconsinites Thursday when he declared in a press release he has come up with a good idea. The state seemed to grind to a halt as people heard about the idea. After months in which the governor seemed to go out of his way to come up with plans that garnered national attention for their awfulness, state residents were astounded by Walker’s logical idea that did not reek of unspeakable evil. “Hey, that doesn’t sound too horrible, I guess,” thousands of residents across the state said. “This idea is better than my other ones,” Walker said. “I know those sucked, but this idea is actually OK. I really think you guys will like it.” In the meeting, Gov. Walker described his idea as “bipartisan” but with “strong morals.” First impressions of the bill were positive, as it did not outwardly seem like an attempt to bankrupt the state, destroy decades of progress
or turn Wisconsin into a division of Koch Industries. Walker said he knew something had to be done after he essentially ruined the state last month. “[Wisconsin] needs to be open for business,” Gov. Walker said in response to a question about what prompted the idea. “We can’t do that if we’re not going to do this.” “It just dawned on me,” he continued. “With all of the tools we’re offering, who could be against this idea. It’s definitely going to fix stuff.” “This is the idea Wisconsin needs right now,” he added. Once the initial shock wore off, a bemused Democratic caucus responded to the idea with murmurs of, “holy shit I didn’t know he had it in him.” “Good lord that’s ... that’s actually pretty good,” State Rep. Brett Hulsey, D-Madison, said. “I run Iron Man triathlons, and this is like when you see that one fat dude at the start and you’re like ‘yea right’ but then it turns out he’s a pretty good swimmer.”
How will the idea affect Wisconsin? • Manage to neither bankrupt the state nor send Wisconsin back to the 1950s • Use administration’s new strategies of “logic” and “basic intelligence” to solve problems
• Allow Walker to pass a bill without brazenly violating state law • Still manage to piss off Gordon Hintz
AP: Matt Manes’ beard loses out in SSFC elections MADISON (AP)—As the dust settles on the Student Services Finance Committee election that polarized UW-Madison and ignited fierce debate across campus, students are still reeling from the shocking upset in which Matt Manes’ beard was not voted on to the committee. Despite high hopes, Manes’
beard placed eighth in the election, in which the top five vote-getters were elected to the committee. The beard said it was disappointed. “I’ve worked hard for the SSFC, and this is a tough pill to swallow,” the beard said. Manes’ beard is not out of options, however. Observers expect
it to be appointed to the committee. “His beard will be on SSFC,” newly elected committee member Dan Tollefson’s hair said. MANES’ BEARD
first lastname/associated press
Department of Administration spokesman Mike Huebsch estimated Republican lawmakers were responsible for $4.8 billion in damages.
AP: Journalism professor faces trial for torturing metaphors THE HAGUE (AP)—A UW-Madison journalism professor will answer to the United Nations Friday and respond to allegations that she tortured countless metaphors while she taught at the university. According to charges filed at The Hague earlier this week, the professor overworked and stretched metaphors to the point of death numerous times in her class, Journalism 202. The professor said the allegations had no basis and were an unnecessary critique of her teaching style. “Think of my use of metaphors like a barber shop,” she said. “The metaphors are like scissors, giving J202 students a haircut of information so that they may exit my shop—the journalism school—with a fresh new look, which is reporting expertise, and a better knowledge of social networking sites, which you can think of as…” The rest of the professor’s com-
ments were drowned out by the blood-curdling screams of that poor metaphor, matched only by the wails of her students who realized they missed out on three hours of sleep to hear someone talk to them like they’re five fucking years old. Examples cited in the UN’s report on the professor include referring to basic aspects of journalism as “vegetables” and more advanced concepts as “desserts,” as well as lengthy torture sessions involving the software program Dreamweaver. “I didn’t realize the pain she put those metaphors through—good God, if only I had known!” J202 student Hiram B. Johnswoggle said. “Now, if you’ll excuse me,” Johnswoggle added, “I have to go learn how to make videos in iMovie because apparently it’s 2004 again and TV reporters put together video packages the same way I made movies in the tenth grade.”
“…the great state University of Wisconsin should ever encourage that continual party and bullshit by which alone the truth can be found.”