Weekend, April 16-19, 2015 - The Daily Cardinal

University of Wisconsin-Madison

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Weekend, April 16-19, 2015

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dana kampa/the daily cardinal

Dana kampa/the daily cardinal

dana kampa/the daily cardinal

Alder-elects Sheri Carter, District 14 (left), Samba Baldeh, District 17 (middle), and Barbara McKinney, District 1 (right), will join the City Council April 21.

City makes history, gains perspective

By Dana Kampa the daily cardinal

A new batch of more diverse Madison City Council members, including the city’s first black women to serve as alders, are preparing to “hit the ground running” April 21.

“We come at a critical time,” Alder-elect Barbara McKinney said. “That lense is so important because you will never see things the way I see things, not that you’re bad or good. It’s just that my vision is totally different. If the city is really going to move in a way that it includes

all people, you really have to include that vision.”

In the April 7 general election, McKinney won the race for District 1 and Sheri Carter won against incumbent Ald. John Strasser to represent District 14.

McKinney said she takes pride in being elected based on the support she earned from her community.

“For me, ironically, it wasn’t even to think of being ‘the first,’” she said.

She said returning to her former home in Ferguson, Mo.,

and seeing the effects of Michael Brown’s shooting prompted her to run for office.

“When I was standing there, I just realized how blessed I had been to move from that, and what I had accomplished,” McKinney said. “I realized that I could really make a difference.”

Alder-elect Samba Baldeh, who won the race for District 17, follows eight black Council members who served before him.

Baldeh is a software engineer and a partner in a technology consulting business. He was born in a small village in

rural Gambia and immigrated to America in 2000.

“I wanted to be in the process of people who will make the laws,” Baldeh said. “My reflection, or my understanding of the world or my people, particularly minority people … [having] that reflected into policies, laws or ordinances is important.”

Carter, who has been a community activist for more than 15 years on city and neighborhood committees, also emphasized the importance of bringing diverse backgrounds into Madison politics.

National rally calls for higher minimum wage

By Jessica Dorsky The Daily Cardinal

Approximately 100 students and community members rallied on Library Mall Wednesday with signs that read “Students for $15,” “Poverty Wage Jobs Hold Madison Back” and “Who made your burger? Who made your shirt?”

The demonstration was part of the national Fight for $15 strike to raise minimum wage and increase unionization.

Amy Perez, a first-generation Madison College student, is the only female in her family who is single and without kids. She said she works 35 hours per week to support herself and hopes to transfer to the UW-Madison College of Engineering, despite having trouble maintaining the neces-

sary GPA. “My parents can’t afford to pay my living expenses or tuition at all,” Perez said.

“Working this much is really messing up my GPA and it is going to take me longer to finish college.”

She added balancing school and work makes it difficult to focus on anything else, including her health.

“I don’t even remember the last time I went to the doctor for a regular checkup or vaccines, I don’t have the time between school and work to do that,” Perez said.

Immigrant Workers Union member Claudia Gonzalez said she quit her job as a nanny because the $8 per hour wage was

+ OPINION, page 5

rally page 2

“I come from a different perspective by working with neighborhoods and working from the grassroots,” she said. “It’s knowing all phases of life and being able to translate that to the Common Council meetings.”

The alder-elects agreed their priorities include improving education, transportation and public safety.

McKinney, Carter and Baldeh are scheduled to join the only current black Council member, Ald. Maurice Cheeks, District 10, in serving Madison at the end of the month.

MPD arrests five teens for Feb. crimes

By Adelina Yankova The Daily cardinal

Kaitlyn Veto/the daily cardinal

Students join fast food workers on Library Mall as part of a national strike to raise minimum wage to $15 an hour.

Learn your lessons the hard way

Police arrested five Madison teenagers for multiple acts of vandalism committed in the city’s West District two months ago, according to a Madison Police Department statement released Wednesday.

The “crime spree” resulted in more than $30,000 in damage to 45 properties, including private homes, mailboxes and vehicles, according to the release. The Feb. 14 vandalism primarily took the form of splattered paint balls and spray painted messaging, with seven of the cases incorporating anti-Semitic words and images.

These derogatory sentiments

crimes page 2

Ass Waxing + SPORTS, page 8

“…the great state University of Wisconsin should ever encourage that continual and fearless sifting and winnowing by which alone the truth can be found.”

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Weekend, April 16-19, 2015

dailycardinal.com

Student group advocates for further interaction with ASM A statewide student advocacy association promoted the necessity of having further interaction with members of the Associated Students of Madison at a Coordinating Council meeting Wednesday.

The United Council for University of Wisconsin Students, an organization representing students at universities across Wisconsin, advocates for higher education ideals on a campus, state and nationwide level, according to its website.

United Council representative Niko Magallon highlighted the importance of a continued connection between the organization and ASM, detailing how

combined efforts from both groups could promote more student involvement.

“There are a lot of people who want to get civically engaged right now,” Magallon said.

To improve the working relationship with ASM, Magallon also asked the Council to brainstorm their committees’ top goals moving forward.

Sustainability Committee Chair Kyla Kaplan discussed the importance of education surrounding the committee’s goals, explaining it could alleviate the disconnect between students’ interest and existing lack of knowledge on the topic.

University Affairs Chair John Paetsch said his commit-

tee would continue to work on making sure the quality of education will not suffer following the budget cuts, as well as maintaining programs students want to see, like the pending language certificate campaign.

ASM Chair Gen Carter also addressed Chancellor Rebecca Blank’s recent survey on campus climate, which all students received in an April 13 email.

Carter said the survey, which deals with incidents of sexual assault and harassment on campus, is an important opportunity for students to engage with these issues, and encouraged Council members to spread word of the survey.

—Madeline Heim

Monroe Street gastropub receives license from Alcohol License Review Committee Madison’s Alcohol License Review Committee granted an alcohol sales license to the Freiburg Gastropub, a new gastro-style pub being built on the 2600 block of Monroe Street, in a Wednesday meeting.

Jack Sosnowski, the pub’s owner, earned neighborhood support after speaking with community members about plans to open a pub that fills a vacant storefront at 2612 Monroe St. “We’ve appreciated the conversations we’ve had with [the owners],” said Al Nettleton, the president of the Dudgeon Monroe Neighborhood Association.

ALRC previously deferred

approval because of the neighborhood’s opposition to more alcohol vendors.

Community members said they considered the new pub to be a worthwhile addition to the area.

Anna Peterson, who lives next to the pub’s location, said she thinks the pub will be a “wonderful asset” to the neighborhood.

The pub had to downsize and set specific operating times in order to meet the committee’s conditions, Sosnowski said.

The committee also referred a hearing on a license for Kelley’s Market, a Mobil gas station convenience store, to another meet-

ing. This will be the ninth time it is brought before committee, according to the meeting agenda.

Kelley’s Market was waiting on a city report on its current license, which wasn’t completed at the time of the meeting, according to Ron Trachtenberg, a lawyer representing Kelley’s Market.

“To quote Ben Franklin, there’s two things that are certain: death and taxes. A third thing is that we don’t have our … report,” Trachtenberg said.

“This means … that there’s no way we’ll have [license] regulations by this coming license year.”

—Michael Frett

Betsy Osterberger/the daily cardinal

Ron Trachtenberg, a lawyer representing the Mobil gas station convenience store called Kelley’s Market, said the city’s repeated referral of its hearing means it will not receive its license this year.

crimes from page 1 will not be treated as a “hate crime” because they were not targeted at members of a statutory protected class, MPD Public Information Officer Joel DeSpain wrote in the release.

“Given the fact that they galvanized an entire community, they are going to have to reap what they sow,” MPD Chief Mike Koval said in a press conference Wednesday. “We are at least pleased we can put some closure and the community can rest assured that this was not owing to some sort of abiding

sense of conspiratorial antiSemitism or anti-racial issues, but in fact was just impulsive and just truly stupid behavior.”

The remainder of cases comprised of broken mailboxes, car windows and depictions of crude words and visuals, including drawn body parts, according to the release.

MPD tentatively charged the perpetrators with felonies for criminal damage to property.

Two have also been charged with tentative burglary charges for stealing a fire extinguisher used to cause damage that night. All five offenders are 17 or 18 years

old and will be tried as adults.

Koval said MPD has kept the city’s Jewish community informed throughout the investigation.

“We appreciate and commend the work of the Madison Police Department and their diligence, concern and effectiveness to identify and apprehend those responsible in this case,” wrote Executive Director of the Jewish Federation of Madison Dina Weinbach.

The chief said the Feb. 14 incident is not related to damage caused to a synagogue by an unknown suspect early Saturday.

Michael Frett contributed to this report.

Memorial union

Tenacious D ‘Tribute’

Steven Marks performs “Tribute” by Tenacious D at Open Mic Night Wednesday evening. For more open mic videos check out The Daily Cardinal’s Youtube channel. + Photo by Emily Buck

Judge denies conservative voters’ intervention in Abrahamson case A federal judge prevented five conservative voters Wednesday from intervening in a case brought by Wisconsin Supreme Court Chief Justice Shirley Abrahamson on the timing of the recent voter-approved constitutional amendment.

The amendment, which 53 percent of voters approved in the April 7 elections, allows for the state Supreme Court justices to elect their chief justice instead of deciding the position by seniority.

Abrahamson, a liberal leader of a conservative court, sued and said that the amendment should not go into effect until the end of her current term in 2019. She has served as chief justice since 1996.

The group of voters from the conservative group Citizens for Responsible Government Network asked a federal court Monday to intervene and prevent Abrahamson from delaying the implementation

of the amendment.

Two of the voters who attempted to intervene have previously supported recall campaigns to keep leaders responsible in Milwaukee County and claim to support “direct democracy,” U.S. District Judge James Peterson said in his court order.

Peterson said state Attorney General Brad Schimel is adequately prepared to represent the interests of the voters in this case without outside help.

“Such non-party motions would needlessly burden the court and the existing parties,” Peterson noted in the court order. “[The voters] have not shown that they have any unique perspective or information that would assist the court beyond what the existing parties will provide.”

Peterson will hear both sides of the case April 21.

—Negassi Tesfamichael

rally from page 1

of labor and increase unemployment, but it could be possible on a smaller scale.

“If states or localities want to consider that, that’s up to them.

The idea of the glass doors of democracy allows us to test, to see what works and what doesn’t,” Grunwald said. “In our area, I would advise against such policy.”

Luke Gangler, a UW-Madison student and member of the Student Labor Action Coalition, said that one of Fight for $15’s main goals is to promote solidarity amongst workers.

“The connection between the fight of all workers is clear, and we have to stand behind all workers. Divided we are not going to win; it is when we are united that we can,” Gangler said.

Following the rally at Library Mall, demonstrators boarded a bus for Milwaukee, where the protests continued.

not enough for her to afford rent, and she believes it is possible to get better wages and benefits.

“We deserve health insurance, we deserve dental, we deserve $15 an hour. United we can do this–Si se puede,” Gonzalez said over a loudspeaker.

“I don’t even remember the last time I went to the doctor for a regular checkup or vaccines.”

Amy Perez student Madison College

Ryan Grunwald, vice chairman of College Republicans, said raising minimum wage on a federal level could lead to a surplus

dailycardinal.com

Weekend, April 16-19, 2015

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Revelry Music and Arts Festival

Until The Ribbon Breaks mixes rock, EDM

By Brandon Danial The Daily Cardinal

Perhaps the way of the future for creating music has less to do with music and more to do with visuals. At least that’s the way of the future for Pete Lawrie Winfield, frontman of Until The Ribbon Breaks. Originally a film student, Lawrie Winfield’s path took a slight detour when he discovered his love of making music, but his career as a musician can’t move forward without acknowledgement of his original ambitions. When the band is recording at their studio, Lawrie Winfield has a tradition of bringing a movie projector and watching a movie silently as the group proceeds to produce new tracks. Lawrie Winfield’s explanation is that the muted films allow him to meander through his creative think-space further than he could normally, and the images give meaning to the music they create. With the amount of range Until The Ribbon Breaks provides in sound, it’s clear that Lawrie Winfield’s cinematic interests shine through.

Two other musicians join

Photo By Jesse DeFlorio/The Windish agency

Cardiff-based Until The Ribbon Breaks, fresh off a cross-country tour, will come to Madison May 2.

Lawrie Winfield in Until The Ribbon Breaks. Lawrie Winfield started out Until The Ribbon Breaks as a solo project, but fellow Cardiff, Wales residents James Gordon and Elliot Wall came along to help his electro-rock production. Gordon

doubles as a keyboardist, percussionist and programmer, as well as backing vocals and bass guitar. Wall adds other percussion and backing vocals, which helped to fill out the lower register of the group’s tracks.

Lawrie Winfield’s film-

Fire and dragons permeate ‘Game of Thrones’ fifth season opener Jake Smasal Smasaltov!

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e’re back, baby.

Last Sunday night, the great television experiment known to us mere mortals as “Game of Thrones” continued its meteoric ascent into our hearts and minds.

Viewers have all been waiting for it, and when the first four episodes leaked online yesterday, thousands of our weaker brethren downloaded it. It’s easily the biggest thing to happen on television this year. As such, it is only fitting that I use the space provided to sing its praises (as well as make some make some minor complaints). Warning— spoilers from Sunday’s episode, and some mild book-reader nitpicking follows.

The first and most obvious thing to talk about is the flashback that started both episode and season. It’s also the first flashback the show has ever done, something of a surprise for a show with such a rich backstory. What we did get, however, was a young Cersei Lannister visiting a fortune teller and discovering what most of us already knew: Her adult life was going to be pretty horrible. While a masterclass in casting (young Cersei is spot on), it’s curious that the show’s writers would choose a scene that could easily have been explained with dialogue, rather than something from Westeros’ history that truly required a flashback, or some kind of cold open.

From there, things pick up a little bit. Tyrion is safely in Essos, and after some bemoaning of his having to poop in a box all the way across the Narrow Sea, he and Varys get down to business. Varys wants Tyrion to advise our beloved Khaleesi, Daenerys Targaryen, on queendom and Westerosi politics. Considering our friend the imp was, until recently, a member of the most powerful family on the entire continent, this is probably a good idea.

Tyrion initially resists, but is then convinced. And thank god he is, because if there’s one way to spice up Daenerys’ storyline, it’s our little lion. First, a little bit of whining about book stuff—Tyrion doesn’t end up with Daenerys in the book, instead working with Young Griff, who is actually Rhaegar Targaryen’s son Aegon and a possible rival for Daenerys.

However, I’m actually kind of okay with the change, seeing as Daenerys and Tyrion are my two favorite characters. Long live creative differences!

Speaking of the one true queen, it looks like she’ll be staying in Meereen for quite a while. After a weirdly touching/ disturbing murder in a brothel, her new nemeses revealed themselves as rich mask-wearing people who hate former slaves.

Obvious KKK references aside, it looks as though these guys are going to give her some trouble.

So, will she use her dragons? You know, her most powerful weapon? No. No she won’t, because she can’t control them. While this gives a flavor of intrigue to

the story, because dragons are pretty much a trump card in any fantasy scenario, it would be really nice if Dany actually got to utilize her full ass-kicking potential for once. If she’s ever going to successfully defeat and subjugate the Lannisters, Tyrells, Starks, Boltons and a hundred other houses, she’s going to have figure some things out. Maybe this is the season where she finally does.

Most of the episode’s heavy lifting happens at the Wall—it gets capitalized, ‘cause that’s how big the Wall is. Stannis Baratheon is still chilling, Ser Alliser is somehow alive and Jon Snow makes his entrance by beating the shit out of Olly, who you may remember as the kid that killed Ygritte last season. However, most of the story revolves around what to do with Mance Rayder, the erstwhile King Beyond the Wall. Stannis wants Mance to pledge himself to him so the wildlings will fight with Stannis as he strives to retake the North. Mance refuses, and is sentenced to burn alive, because that’s just how Stannis and Melisandre like to kill people. Jon eventually puts Mance out of his misery, presumably causing tension between Jon and Stannis. More book stuff: Mance isn’t supposed to be dead.

Nobody’s really sure what he’s supposed to be doing, but any excuse to keep Ciarán Hinds in your show should be taken. So that’s a bit of a letdown.

There was also some Lannister stuff. But, really, who cares.

Excited for “Game of Thrones?” What are your predictions for the new season? Let Jake know at smasal@wisc.edu.

ing experience allows them to create music as expansive and refreshing as the various sprawling landscapes and scenes captured on the movies they watch. Each song explores a new district of soundscapes, tapping as many genres as pos-

sible as they go along. From the political commentary of “Revolution Indifference,” featuring rap duo Run The Jewels, to bluesy pop-stomp “A Taste of Silver,” Until The Ribbon Breaks has a diverse portfolio of sounds, all with one thing in common—they’re uniquely catchy. Lawrie Winfield’s vocals float across each beat in a raspy whisper, its delivery soothing to the ear, but simultaneously packed with anguish, with an emotional impact as durable as if the lyrics were being shouted instead.

Until The Ribbon Break’s debut album, A Lesson Unlearnt , was released in January and embodied Lawrie Winfield’s hopes that listeners can find meaning in the world his music creates. Just as the films have inspired Winfield’s musical surroundings, he wants his listeners to be able to create their own world of images and significance from the sounds they hear.

Check back each Tuesday and Thursday as The Daily Cardinal previews featured acts for this year’s Revelry Music and Arts Festival.

RECORD ROUTINE

Tyler, The Creator grasps his footing on imaginative, brilliant Cherry Bomb ALBUM REVIEW

Cherry Bomb Tyler, The Creator

By Mitch Wrobel The Daily Cardinal

Tyler, The Creator has always let the meaning behind his music be asserted on its own terms.

He hasn’t hesitated to carry this over to his fourth and newest release, Cherry Bomb. The album features 13 songs that display Tyler’s humor, quirkiness, imagination and brilliance.

The unpredictable and riotous behavior that embodies Tyler, The Creator, and makes him so encapsulating, is addressed right off the bat in the opening track, “DEATHCAMP.” Tyler chants, “I don’t like to follow the rules/ And that’s just who I am/ I hope you understand.” Perhaps half of the fun of Tyler’s albums in the past was just trying to deconstruct his lyrics and figuring out what he meant. This is less of the case in Cherry Bomb, which features more straightforward sentiments. Tyler seems to be more honest with himself and the people around him, instead of divulging himself through monikers like Wolf Haley, Ace and Tron Cat in past albums.

The opening track of the album compares Hollywood fame to the likes of a death camp, which also shares the name of the song.

Tyler has also shown to be more confident and mature as a person in this album. In “PILOT” and “FIND YOUR WINGS,” a recurring theme of finding your wings and flying away is shown. He uses this as a metaphor for finding what you love and becoming successful from it.

Tyler also seems to want the focus of the album to be on himself. He doesn’t mention some of the big-name features of Kanye West and Lil’ Wayne on “SMUCKERS,” nor Pharrell, one of Tyler, The Creator’s favorite artists, who pops up on “KEEP DA O’S.” Cherry Bomb as a whole could serve both as an edifying force for long-time fans and an alluring album for those who doubted Tyler, The Creator in the past.

Tyler seems to have abandoned some of the off-the-wall, confusing lyrics of past works, while still holding true to the childish personality with whom many people fell in love. The mix of jazz runs, distorted guitars and driving beats comes together for an album that displays Tyler’s evolution over the last few years.

Was this evolution a maturation of Tyler? Maybe. Was it a growth into the shoes that society has set for him? Definitely.

Grade: A-

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tODAY: go outside

hi 70º / lo 47º

Weekend, April 16-19, 2015

An independent student newspaper, serving the University of Wisconsin-Madison community since 1892 Volume 124, Issue 91

2142 Vilas Communication Hall 821 University Avenue Madison, Wis., 53706-1497 (608) 262-8000 • fax (608) 262-8100

News and Editorial

By Lindsay Briggs the daily cardinal

Managing Editor Jonah Beleckis

Editor-in-Chief Jack Casey

News Team News Manager Adelina Yankova Campus Editor Bri Maas College Editor Ellie Herman City Editors Irene Burski and Dana Kampa State Editor Andrew Hahn Associate News Editor Laura Grulke Features Editor Gilly McBride Opinion Editors Max Lenz • Cullen Voss Editorial Board Chair Haley Henschel Arts Editors Allison Garcia • Conor Murphy Sports Editors Jack Baer • Jim Dayton Almanac Editors Dylan Anderson • Andy Holsteen Photo Editors Emily Buck • Thomas Yonash Associate Photo Editor Will Chizek Graphics Editor Cameron Graff Multimedia Editor Ian Zangs Science Editor Danielle Smith Life & Style Editor Claire Satterfield Special Pages Editor Haley Henschel Copy Chiefs Theda Berry • Kara Evenson Jessie Rodgers • Paige Villiard Copy Editors Megan Grove • Caroline Utter Sam Wagner Social Media Manager Madison Schiller

Business and Advertising business@dailycardinal.com Business Manager Brett Bachman Advertising Manager Corissa Pennow Marketing Director Victoria Fok The Daily Cardinal is a nonprofit organization run by its staff members and elected editors. It receives no funds from the university. Operating revenue is generated from advertising and subscription sales.

The Daily Cardinal is published MondayThursday and distributed at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and its surrounding community with a circulation of 10,000.

Capital Newspapers, Inc. is the Cardinal’s printer. The Daily Cardinal is printed on recycled paper. The Cardinal is a member of the Associated Collegiate Press and the Wisconsin Newspaper Association.

All copy, photographs and graphics appearing in The Daily Cardinal are the sole property of the Cardinal and may not be reproduced without written permission of the editor-in-chief.

The Daily Cardinal accepts advertising representing a wide range of views. This acceptance does not imply agreement with the views expressed. The Cardinal reserves the right to reject advertisements judged offensive based on imagery, wording or both.

Complaints: News and editorial complaints should be presented to the editor in chief.

Business and advertising complaints should be presented to the business manager.

Letters Policy: Letters must be word processed and must include contact information. No anonymous letters will be printed. All letters to the editor will be printed at the discretion of The Daily Cardinal. Letters may be sent to opinion@ dailycardinal.com.

Editorial Board Jack Casey • Jonah Beleckis Haley Henschel • Cullen Voss Max Lenz • Michael Penn II Kayla Schmidt • Conor Murphy Andy Holsteen l

Board of Directors Herman Baumann, President Jack Casey • Jonah Beleckis Jennifer Sereno • Stephen DiTullio Brett Bachman • Janet Larson Don Miner • Phil Brinkman Jason Stein • Nancy Sandy Corissa Pennow • Victoria Fok Tina Zavoral

© 2015, The Daily Cardinal Media Corporation ISSN 0011-5398

For the record Yesterday’s science article said Frizzled-6 expression causes canine bone cancer. While Frizzled-6 expression is associated with increased bone tumor formation, a direct causal effect has not been determined. Also, Dr. Lucas Rodrigues, the primary author of the paper, was not mentioned.

hi 76º / lo 53º

dailycardinal.com

Sarah Palin announces her new career as taxidermist

edit@dailycardinal.com

Friday: stay outside

courtesy of creative commons

After an unsuccessful vice presidential candidacy and a canceled reality TV show, Sarah Palin has set her tireless sights elsewhere: the booming business of taxidermy.

Palin announced on Fox News Wednesday night that she will be opening a store in Wasilla, Alaska to sell her stuffed animals and preserved hides.

“I love everything about animals,” Palin said. “Shooting them, eating them, having them mounted in my living room, wearing their fur. This job is a natural fit.”

While Palin is open to allowing hunters to bring in their

own animal carcasses for preservation, she is currently only using those from her husband Todd. He is an avid hunter and has been trying to keep up with his wife’s new business.

“I try to kill a few deer or pheasants a day,” Todd Palin said. “But Sarah just goes so fast. She stuffs ‘em faster than anything I’ve ever seen.”

Palin says she finds the entire process of taxidermy to be therapeutic.

“As a woman who has been objectified by the media, I find solace in being able to objectify subordinate beings myself,” Palin said. “Literally turning animals into objects is pretty darn fun.”

MillerCoors to deploy troops into ‘Whatever, USA’

By Brett Klinkner The daily cardinal

In a timely business and militaristic move that is already drawing widespread support, MillerCoors CEO and Commander-in-chief Thomas Lang has called for the brewing conglomerate’s military forces to invade the A n h e u s e r - B u s c h - b a c ke d , possibly-mythical town known as ‘Whatever, USA.’ “We will not negotiate with terrorists,” Lang told Cardinal reporters. “There is no denying that this is a hostile takeover, and, to be honest, some heads are gonna roll.”

Known for its inescapable advertising campaign that forces viewers to question whether this futile existence is even worth it, the Bud Lightcentered ‘Up For Whatever’ series asks allegedly random, everyday people who apparently have no other worldly obligations whether they are game to attend a lager-andhipster-packed orgy in a supposedly corporate-manufactured town that may or may not really exist.

Despite MillerCoors’ economic motives being quite transparent, it is hard to argue with the public outpouring of approval and continually growing base of worldwide endorsements, including President Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin, the Committee for the Eradication

of Stupid Fucking Shitty Advertisements, the United Nations, both Koreas, and 2016 U.S. Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush, to name just a few.

“We’re prepared for whatever: beads, fanny packs, novelty miniature squirt guns, human feces.”

Thomas Lang chief executive officer MillerCoors Corporation

MillerCoors Chairman and Army General Peter MillerCoorsington implores that they will be completely prepared for whatever ‘Whatever, USA’ might throw their way in resistance efforts.

“We’re prepared for whatever: bean bags, beads, fanny packs, novelty miniature squirt guns, novelty giant sunglasses, human feces,” MillerCoorsington told reporters. “We have one goal and one goal only: to shut those bastards down and make damn sure nothing ‘epic’ happens.”

At press time, a group of MillerCoors soldiers had used a commercial fishing net to corral a fleeing group of ‘Up For Anything’ers, most notable among them being Ke$ha, Warren Sapp, Miley Cyrus, Bret Bielema and the rapper Pitbull.

Anheuser-Busch could not be reached for comment.

courtesy of creative commons

MillerCoors corporation has converted these delivery trucks into bulletproof war machines packed with drunk infantrymen.

Courtesy of creative commons

Accurate meteorologist declares God-like powers

By Liam Hutchison The daily Cardinal

Local weatherman Chip Palladino believes his accurate forecasting is actually a product of his divine command. The weather anchor for Channel 9 News in Wausau had developed a reputation for pinpoint accuracy through even the most peculiar of weather events but has recently come forward to reveal his alleged supernatural powers.

Palladino says he began to realize his transcendent abilities during a bout of severe weather last July.

“No other station north of Fond du Lac called those tornados right, but something inside me just felt tied to the storm, I was in total control,” Palladino said. “Part of me wanted to send the storms through Rhinelander to get back at my ex-wife.”

Skeptics have questioned Palladino’s claims, but Palladino stands by his words.

“I went on a total bender one weekend and barely even thought about the forecast,” Palladino said.

“I was just bullshitting stuff and waving my arms in front of the green screen. I still totally nailed my three degree guarantee. You tell me that’s not prophetic.”

Regarding the history of this unique ability, Palladino offered an anecdote from his youth.

“I’ve always been connected to the patterns of nature. As a child I’d be having a bad day and sure enough, it’d be storming outside.”

Rather than using his uncanny ability to profit from weatherbetting circles in Vegas, Palladino followed his destiny for meteorological superstardom.

Palladino hopes to hone his godlike weather-creating skills and ensure the greater Wausau area beautiful 70 degree summers and sparse snowfall restrained to the months of December and January.

Palladino’s coworkers have taken exception to his meteorological hubris, but Palladino defended himself.

“How would you act if you were the sole bridge between humanity and the unrelenting tempest of nature?” Palladino said, shrugging off criticism. “You didn’t see Jesus taking it easy just ‘cause the other prophets couldn’t hang.”

Chip Palladino will continue to deliver both the weather and the forecast, in an attempt to fulfill his self-proclaimed destiny as “the first and last man to claim ultimate dominion over the forces of nature.”

opinion dailycardinal.com

Weekend, April 16-19, 2015

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Lessons are best learned the hard way Marisa Bernstein Opinion Columnist

L

iving away from parents is a fun adventure. In the beginning I felt so invincible. Like, “I’ll stay awake forever on a Monday night because I feel no pain and nothing matters except what I feel in this moment, and right now I want pizza and I don’t care what it does to my body because it’s the middle of the night and I’m in college, man.”

This was a far leap from my years of living at home, when my mom was there to emotionally lift me out of bed every morning, my dad was there to spread the peanut butter on my toast, and then the two of them would literally watch me walk from the house to my car yelling after me the inspiring yet slightly condescending phrase, “Make good choices!”

Make good choices. You know, like do your homework, get enough sleep, don’t do illegal things, be nice to people even if you don’t really like them, and any other cliches you can think of.

Look, I try to make good choices.

I really do. On a scale of 1-10 for ‘trying’ I’m generally at about a seven.

I make an effort to make smart, thoughtful decisions. But apparently, I find myself having to conduct my own experiments to understand

what truly is or is not a good idea.

For example, microwaves. I am going to digress for a minute here to state that I do not think microwaves are very user friendly.

There are so many unstated rules that everyone except me seems to be aware of. For example, no paper, plastic, silverware, tinfoil. Where on the microwave does it say that?

I missed the microwave knowledge gene somewhere down the line. I think it would be an exceptional use of the manufacturer’s time to make lists of things that should NOT ever be used in microwaves, because if I start one more fire my roommate is going to kill me.

What is pathetic is that I know in my life I have been told not to put plastic in microwaves because, if you weren’t aware, it melts. And tinfoil catches fire.

And metal explodes or something, I don’t really remember what happened that time. The point is, I never really seemed to internalize what my mom told me about what happens when you leave the Tyson Chicken Nuggets in the microwave for eleven and a half minutes (because you accidentally read 1 1/2 as 11 and 1/2). Of course I listened to her, but I still made an error (and I think my chicken nuggets became radioactive).

People can be guided, but they

need to learn on their own. Before I left for college, everyone told me not to take too many credits my first semester, not to eat pizza late at night, not to stay up until two in the morning; all things that one might think fall under the category of common sense. Well, you’ll never guess what I spent my first semester doing.

I have a hard time believing, however, that I would possibly learn how difficult it is to function on four hours of sleep until I had to handle it myself, or how unsettling three pieces of pizza feel after sitting in your stomach at the near break of dawn. If you call him too often, he will stop answering. If you never exercise, you will be out of shape, and so on.

I’ll admit I’ve made a mistake or two this year. I have started a couple of fires. I have gone to class when my eyelids felt glued shut and I was feeling essentially unconscious. I have gotten sick after sharing a drink with someone. I have gotten lost on the way to class because I refused to look at a map. I have had my desk collapse in a 300-student lecture hall because I neglected to properly secure it. But with each one of these mistakes, I have learned.

Words are just words. People learn through experience. Some

graphic by Cameron graff

lessons have to be learned the hard way—that’s life. It would be immensely easier if I would remember the fact that, as I have stated, plastic will always melt in the microwave, but I had to learn from my own mistake. For the record, the microwave that my roommate and I share has been fire-free since February. All we can do is try our best and

improve moving forward. So, make good choices, Badgers!

Marisa is a freshman writer for The Daily Cardinal and is currently undecided on her major.

Do you have any experiences to share? Is there any particularly good advice you’ve received while in college? We’d like to hear from you. Please send all feedback to opinion@dailycardinal.com.

Government programs are the key to economic prosperity Sergey Fedossov Opinion Columnist

A

s college students, we came to Madison to further our education and take that critical step to join the workforce. The benefits of a college degree are irrefutable, and going to college is about as culturally ingrained as apple pie and baseball here in America.

However, college is simply not an option for many people, especially those from economically disadvantaged back-

grounds. This doesn’t bode well with the almost obligatory nature of getting a bachelor’s degree in the hunt for a job.

Those that slip through the cracks on their way to college wind up going to trade school, the military, or going from dead-end job to dead-end job.

I don’t see this as an acceptable distribution of economic opportunity. Both state and federal governments steer students fresh out of high school toward college with scholarships, grants and excellent loan rates. The military attracts recruits with offers of lifetime benefits in health care, pensions, voca-

tional training and paying for a college education.

Whether it be my own privilege of never examining them as an option, or simply because they’re not marketed as heavily, vocational and trade schools don’t have the same levels of benefits associated with them in society. As a result, in the privileged circles of college, this blue-collar work exists in the shadows, despite our entire society being built on the back of this kind of work.

It doesn’t take sitting through an introductory economics class to know the United States is one of the most developed nations in the

kaitlyn veto/the daily cardinal

Bringing Americans out of poverty requires more than raising the minimum wage; education is vital.

world. As a result, we are telling everyone the key to a high paying job comes from studying in a world class institution of higher education.

Unfortunately, by funneling people to higher education and not equally distributing them among technical and trade schools, a lot of people are missing out on the possibility of earning a degree in a field they’re much better suited for. I look toward history to change our current course, and channel the spirit of a president who was handed the worst economic downturn in American history—Franklin Delano Roosevelt, FDR. By giving our unemployed and underemployed peers an opportunity to work and incentivize it with benefits similar to those we offer our servicemen and women, we could be channeling Great Depressionera programs like the Works Progress Administration and the Civil Works Administration.

If we accomplish this modernera reform, we could potentially offer thousands of jobs and valuable training to those who never had the opportunity to attend college.

America’s blue-collar jobs currently have a gaping hole that is rapidly being filled by immigrant labor. If we subsidize rebuilding the basic industries and infrastructure America once relied on and is now lacking, we could lift America’s poverty-stricken citizens from the lower economic echelons of society and provide them with an opportunity to work for a living wage and an education. The effects of giving American citizens jobs that pay better than minimum wage and

rewarding them for completing work would provide them and their children with an opportunity to join America’s middle and upper classes.

Higher wages, better benefits and a governing body to facilitate giving people jobs and training will put new life into the American economy and ultimately the global economy.

It would require a large amount of spending up front, and it would require nothing short of a cultural revolution among the American people to accept federal assistance, the likes of which haven’t been seen in over 80 years.

However, I think it can be done. It has been implemented before during the Great Depression, and it is even the driving legislative program Frank Underwood from “House of Cards” attempts to push through during the series’ third season. Perhaps it is time for Americans to stand up to out-of-date and preconceived notions of minimum wage and blue-collar labor, and learn to accept the notion that some people don’t live the lifestyle because they want to and are capable of much more when you give them the chance to prove it.

I want people to view vocational labor as an acceptable and respected alternative to college because its the jobs that come from technical schools which America is desperately lacking.

Sergey is a freshman writer for The Daily Cardinal and majoring in economics and international studies. Do you agree with his argument to fix America’s unemployment and underemployment problem? Please send all feedback to opinion@dailycardinal.com.

comics

6 • Weekend, April 16-19, 2015

dailycardinal.com

Focus Focus Focus

Today’s Sudoku

The Graph Giraffe Classic

By Yosef Lerner graphics@dailycardinal.com

© Puzzles by Pappocom

Frugal Gnome Classic

By Lindsey Heinz and Emily Villwock graphics@dailycardinal.com

Solution, tips and computer program available at www.sudoku.com.

Fill in the grid so that every row, every column and every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 through 9.

fact of the day In 1989, the world’s largest birthday cake was created to celebrate the 100th birthday of Fort Payne, Alabama.

Today’s Crossword Puzzle

Evil Bird Classic

By Caitlin Kirihara graphics@dailycardinal.com

Angel Hair Pasta Classic

By Todd Stevens graphics@dailycardinal.com

Anthro-apology Classic

By Eric Wigdahl graphics@dailycardinal.com

BETTER HAVE MY $$

ACROSS 1 Make obscure 6 Certain sorority member 11 Warm embrace 14 Nitrous ___ (laughing gas) 15 “Encore!”

16 “Is that ___?”

17 Easy existence 19 Genetic info carrier 20 Broke bread 21 Campus list keeper 22 Neptune’s realm 24 Part of a three-piece suit 25 Malicious as a snake?

27 Tops in wanness 30 Drive away 31 Certain Arab 32 Super-duper 33 Ball girls, briefly 37 Words of romance 40 Card game for three 41 Chill 42 Follow as a result 43 Matter of debate 45 Incapable of littering?

46 Collisions 49 Canine cry 50 Horn-shaped part 51 “SNL” alumnus Carvey 52 Dress fancily (with “out”)

5 “___ got it!”

5 56 Philadelphia tourist attraction 60 Lily, in Lille 61 Copy a peacock 62 Chill-inducing 63 Affirmative reply 64 Inclines 65 Exorcist’s target DOWN 1 Gaucho’s lariat 2 Departure 3 Barney of Mayberry 4 Poem type 5 Type of dome 6 Jeweler’s measure 7 Opposed, in oaters 8 Amigo 9 Apple or lemon meringue 10 Tennis partner?

11 Women guarded by a eunuch 12 Wrist-to-elbow bones 13 Thyroid, for one 18 Suffix with “song” or “gab” 23 Winter event 24 Type of blind 25 Locale 26 Weapon with a bellshaped guard 27 D.C. figures 28 Crazily

9 2 30 32 34 35 36 38 39 4 4 45 46 7 4 48 49 1 5 52 53 54 57 58 59

Volcano output Mallet-and-ball game Black ___ (cattle breed) Like child’s play Bummed out Husky’s burden Brewer’s equipment Like rained-out games, usually Make busts Mailed In an unfriendly fashion Projector projection One of the corps They’re not to be believed Scout’s good work Two semesters Assortment Secluded spot Ill temper Actor Kingsley Domesticated insect

dailycardinal.com

Weekend, April 16-19, 2015

l

sports

7

Softball

Wisconsin travels to Champaign to take on powerful Illinois squad

By Ashley Maag the daily cardinal

After a 10-game home stand, Wisconsin (3-10 Big Ten, 18-23 overall) heads to Champaign this weekend for a three-game series against Illinois (8-4, 18-21).

The Badgers go into this weekend series after splitting a doubleheader with Green Bay this past Tuesday.

Wisconsin recorded 29 hits in the two games, outhitting the Phoenix by 10.

UW will look to keep the bats going against Illinois, facing a pitching staff whose collective ERA is 6.14.

Sophomore Chloe Miller and freshman Kelsey Jenkins led the Badgers with four hits apiece against Green Bay. Miller improved her batting average to .351, and she is now tied with senior Marissa Mersch for the third-highest mark on the team.

Last season, Wisconsin swept Illinois in their three-

game series, outscoring the Fighting Illini 16-7. However, this year Illinois is on a hot streak and has won 10 of its last 11 games, losing only one to Iowa at the beginning of the month. Illinois is also currently ranked fifth in the Big Ten, while the Badgers are currently in 13th place.

While junior pitcher Taylor-Paige Stewart did not see action against Green Bay, the Badgers will need her and freshman Mariah Watts to dominate the circle. Stewart’s 4.29 ERA is the lowest of any pitcher on either team.

Stewart dominated the second game against Illinois last year. She struck out eight in a complete game effort as the Badgers won 10-3.

The Badgers will now look to find the missing consistency that has plagued their season thus far as they head to Champaign. The first game will start at 5:30 p.m. Friday at Eichelberger Field.

Thomas Yonash/Cardinal file photo

Ready to get buck in here? Jonah Beleckis is. The Herald won’t be ready for his shirtless shenanigans.

five from page 8 batters as they strike out. “More errors in production or on the field? Hard to say.”

Graphics Wizard Cameron Graff, conductor of the Hype Train, is ready to turn everyone the fuck up for Saturday’s game.

With “Old Man Graff” taking care of energy levels, secret weapons on the field this year will be freshmen Theodore Berry and Elleanoure Herman, whose names have been altered to keep anonymity.

“Fuck. Them,” Berry said referencing the Herald as she ate her daily dose of glass and rusty nails while sharpening an arsenal of iron hunting spears. Herman then asked how everyone’s day

was going.

If The Daily Cardinal secures another 10-run cushion thanks to those secret weapons, Sex Columnist Alex Tucker isn’t worried about holding that lead firmly in her grip.

“I’m never nervous about blowing anything,” Tucker said, referring to the game and only the game. Maybe not? “Yes, blowing.”

Outgoing Editor-in-Chief “Cactus” Jack Casey, clad in the “freshest there ever was” Kevin Durant signed KD7’s and a “chill” hat—tilted sideways— knows exactly how this game is going to go.

“Oh, the Herald? I’m not worried,” Cactus Jack said after dropping a triple-double of blocks, steals and fights in a pickup bas-

ketball game at the Kohl Center against Wisconsin’s starting five.

“Remember when they called me a 10-year-old and lost in the chugoff? Me too. Then I won.”

Cactus Jack was a little distracted during his interview because of his mysterious tendency to leg-press 600 pounds of meat he hunted in the Arctic during most of the day.

After the Cardinal football team went Marshawn Lynch and said-it-was-easy against the Herald 42-21, Casey vowed to spend the winter months training for this Saturday in Vilas Park. The snow is gone, Cactus Jack has a lot stronger calves and The Daily Cardinal is ready to win its fifth softball game in five years.

Kaminsky, Dekker both face uncertainty at the next level Rushad Machhi breaking shad

T

he 2014-’15 Wisconsin men’s basketball team produced a lot of things, including great memories, cutdown nets and two potential firstround NBA draft picks. After drying away the tears, we heard that Sam Dekker is truly gone, and he will join his co-star and Wooden Award winner Frank Kaminsky at the next level.

As a writer, it is thus my obligation and written in my contract to speculate and make predictions on each’s future success even though I will most likely be dead wrong. Let’s have a little fun with it and make it a bit of a friendly competition by pitting the two prospects against each other and figuring out who will become the better pro.

Photo by kaitlyn veto

Frank Kaminsky: Draft Express projection: No. 10.

Best Comparison: Ryan Anderson Kaminsky was the offensive fulcrum of a deadly and efficient Wisconsin attack. He can pret-

ty much do it all, as the versatile center is a force to reckon with both in the paint and on the perimeter. Kaminsky had no problem calling for the ball in the post and then using an array of moves to get buckets.

Big men who can only post up are in limited demand in today’s NBA, but Kaminsky can also make it rain from downtown.

He shot over 40 percent from 3 on over 2.5 attempts per game, a trait that makes general managers drool waterfalls.

If defenders overplayed his shot, he surprisingly displayed some nimble ball handling, routinely shot faking and putting the ball on the floor, driving to the basket to either get a layup or kick it out to an open man.

Kaminsky’s stellar passing vision might be the most underrated part of his arsenal, as the big guy would routinely pass out of double teams to open shooters, which gave him a team-high 2.6 assists per game.

Wherever Kaminsky ends up, he should be a valuable offensive piece. It’s the other side of the court that is a bit more concerning. Without explosive athleticism, he will never become a rim protector, already diminishing his value as a center.

His lack of lateral quickness will also hurt him against more nimble centers who can do work in the post, such as DeMarcus Cousins and Marc Gasol. This also will prevent him from guarding quicker power forwards if his team ever decides to slot him there.

While Kaminsky might always be a minus on defense at the next level, his offensive

game should flourish. Stretch big men have been matchup nightmares for opposing defenses, and ones as versatile as Kaminsky are even more terrifying. New Orleans’ Ryan Anderson is a name that always gets brought up when comparing Kaminsky, as Anderson is an offensive beast who most likely can’t even spell the word defense.

There is no shame in that, as Anderson is a very valuable player who opens up the floor on offense.

Best case, Kaminsky becomes a transcendent offensive player like Dirk Nowitzki. Start practicing those step backs, Frank.

Photo by kaitlyn veto

Sam Dekker: Draft Express projection: No. 15.

Best Comparison: Markieff Morris All year Dekker was the Robin to Kaminsky’s Batman, except he was a Robin on steroids. Dekker had a solid regular season, but he was truly born during the Badgers’ magical tournament run where he put up career-high scoring numbers and made some of the ballsiest shots I’ve ever seen.

If I could I would marry… OK, OK let’s get to his potential as a prospect. Dekker too has a fairly

polished offensive game. He has shown the ability to be a very crafty ball handler, routinely crossing guys up on the perimeter and taking it to the rack. His cutting skills are also very underrated, and he has the strength to finish around the rim in traffic.

Dekker possesses great size, where at a bulky 6-foot-9-inches he could definitely play either forward position and hold his own. While he might not be as thick as some of the bigger power forwards in the game, just take a look at the difference between Dekker now and his freshman year. His body will fill out, evening those matchups. Dekker also has the wingspan and quickness to become a plus defender. He possesses NBA-level athleticism, throwing down numerous monster dunks in college.

Where Dekker is lacking is his outside shooting, but even that is not too big of a concern.

While he has shot a below-average 33 percent from beyond the arc over his last two seasons, Dekker did show the ability to knock down shots as a catchand-shoot guy coming off the bench as a freshman, splashing over 39 percent of his triples.

He also had a fiery tournament from deep, shooting over 41 percent beyond the arc, with several being highly contested or off the dribble. Dekker also has a nice, natural-looking shot, so as long as he continues to practice and work at it, his longrange shot shouldn’t be a weakness in the pros.

Dekker definitely has the potential to become an all-around

star in the NBA, but he just never took over games consistently in college like many of us hoped he would. For this reason, I just can’t see Dekker becoming a megastar, but more the along the lines of a valuable starter such as Markieff Morris, who also has the versatility to switch between forward positions. Morris has a versatile offensive game and plays solid defense.

Like Dekker, he too could work on his shot beyond the arc, but Morris also has good form and has shown his prowess as a knockdown mid-range guy who has started to increase his range.

So who will be more successful at the next level? In my opinion, I think Kaminsky will put up better and glamourous numbers with his offensive versatility.

However, unless he becomes transcendent on that end like Dirk and, playing the odds game, he most likely won’t, I cannot see him being the starting center on a championship-caliber NBA team, but more as a sixth man offensive kick-starter.

That is why Dekker might end up being the more valuable player at the next level, as I could definitely see him being a starter on a championship team. While the projection game can be dangerous, if there were ever a couple guys to be the best Wisconsin impact NBA players since Devin Harris’ heydey, these two are it.

Will Frank Kaminsky and Sam Dekker be able to translate their success at Wisconsin into NBA glory? Can either one provide the missing ingredient that a team needs for an NBA championship? Let Rushad know at machhi@wisc.edu.

Sports

weekend, april 16-19, 2015 DailyCardinal.com

Football

Chryst’s supporting cast jells together

By Zach Rastall the daily cardinal

When Gary Andersen shocked the college football world by darting for Corvallis last December, it set the wheels in motion for yet another coaching staff shuffle for the Wisconsin Badgers.

For the second time in 24 months, Athletic Director Barry Alvarez was left searching for a new head coach, an unusual amount of instability for a Big Ten powerhouse that had endured just one coaching change in the 23 years prior to Bret Bielema’s departure.

In stepped Paul Chryst, who chose to leave Pittsburgh to return to the school where he played quarterback during his collegiate career and served as offensive coordinator from 2005 to 2011.

Along with him came an

almost entirely new coaching staff, including a handful of assistant coaches who followed Chryst to Madison from Pittsburgh. Offensive coordinator Joe Rudolph, defensive line coach Inoke Breckterfield, special teams coordinator Chris Haering, running backs coach John Settle, tight ends coach Mickey Turner and head strength and conditioning coach Ross Kolodziej all opted to join Chryst at Wisconsin.

In fact, Rudolph, Settle, Turner and Kolodziej all either played or coached for the Badgers in the past, so the move back to Madison served as an opportunity to bring their career paths full circle.

“It’s a unique opportunity when you get to work with someone that you trust and care about. Coach Chryst and I have

Betsy osterberger/cardinal file photo

Head coach Paul Chryst retained Defensive Coordinator Dave Aranda (pictured), the lone assistant returning for UW this season.

that relationship,” said Rudolph, who was a team captain during his playing career at UW in the early ‘90s and served as the Badgers’ tight ends coach from 2008 to 2011. “It’s always difficult when you have change, and I don’t think any decisions are easy ones. But being here is awesome and I love it.”

Even Breckterfield, who doesn’t have any ties to Wisconsin, noted he had little hesitation before jumping at the chance to join Chryst in Madison.

“It took me all of probably half a second to say yes,” Breckterfield said of his decision to follow Chryst. “I appreciated him giving me a chance to come out to Pittsburgh. He’s a great guy to work for—loves his players, loves the families of the coaches, loves the coaches, and he’ll do anything he can to help out.”

However, there are a few new faces among the UW coaching staff that didn’t serve under Chryst during his tenure with the Panthers, including wide receivers coach Ted Gilmore, defensive backs coach Daronte’ Jones and outside linebackers coach Tim Tibesar.

Gilmore has worked as an assistant coach at seven different schools throughout his career, including Nebraska and USC, and spent the last three seasons as the wide receivers coach of the Oakland Raiders.

Jones and Tibesar actually have prior experience working together, as they were both members of Marc Trestman’s coaching staff with the Canadian Football League’s Montreal Alouettes in 2011.

Tibesar coached under Trestman for one season during the latter’s tenure as head coach of the Chicago Bears as well, and also served as Purdue’s defensive

betsy osterberger/cardinal file photo

Six assistant coaches from head coach Paul Chryst’s staff in Pittsburgh joined him after he was hired at Wisconsin. coordinator in 2012. Meanwhile, Jones spent the last three years as Hawaii’s defensive backs coach.

Though there was a large amount of turnover on the Wisconsin coaching staff from last season, there will be one familiar face patrolling the sidelines for the Badgers in 2015: defensive coordinator Dave Aranda.

Aranda, the lone holdover from the Andersen era, drew plenty of interest from across the country after Andersen announced he’d be leaving for Oregon State, but he elected to stay with Wisconsin to coach under Chryst.

Though their experience working with him has been brief, Aranda has quickly impressed the rest of the new coaching staff.

“It’s been a great working environment with [Aranda],”

Breckterfield said. “He does a great job leading the group and the kids love to play for him.”

Aranda’s presence provides valuable continuity for a program that has seen an unprecedented amount of coaching turmoil over the last few years. Though this kind of constant turnover can be frustrating for players and fans alike, the overarching sentiment from the coaches is that Chryst has assembled a staff that has clicked well this spring.

And perhaps they’ll be the group that finally provides the stability that the program needs.

“I think it’s a great group,” Rudolph said. “Guys that are truly in it for the players and work their tails off to help them to get better. When you have that environment, it’s a lot of fun to be around.”

Ass Waxing

We got five on it: Cardinal anticipates fifth straight win

By Bonah Jeleckis the daily Cardinal

“April is the cruellest month [for whoever has to lose again to The Daily Cardinal softball team].”

Historians can debate and be wrong all they want, but T.S. Eliot was referring to one thing and one thing only in 1922’s “The Waste Land.”

Anyone and everyone who has come to Vilas Park in April to play The Daily Cardinal in softball has left with shattered dreams and profound disappointment.

In the 1920s it was Babe Ruth’s Yankees who struck out 35 times in one seven-inning game (math was harder back then). In the 1950s it was Ted Williams’ Red Sox who were the victims of the Cardinal’s diamond domination and committed more errors than pitches thrown.

Since being banned by former MLB Commissioner Bowie Kuhn in 1969 for demoralizing major league competition, The Daily Cardinal found a new opponent to dismantle—The

Badger Herald.

The Daily Cardinal has beaten UW-Madison’s second tier news outlet for years, but softball dominance comes particularly easy—the Cardinal has four straight softball wins over the Herald.

Editor-in-Chief-elect Jim “Tupac Back” Dayton fondly recalls scaring the shit out of the Herald during last season’s game—a 10-9 win for the Cardinal, thanks to seven runs in the final inning. “[The Badger Herald] intentionally walked me—in a slowpitch softball game,” Dayton said, ignoring all reporters’ questions thanks to the Schoolboy Q coming from his Beats By Dayton headphones.

“That happened. Many people might think that’s a joke, but they really did that.”

In going for what’s known as the “Gerber Five,” the Cardinal is en route to winning its fifth straight softball encounter.

Managing Editor-elect Em

Gerbs knows how to get around the competition, having dodged several Daily Cardinal Employee Complaint forms to keep a “spotless” record.

“We’ll probably be up 35 points after the first period,” Gerbs said with a pile of forms building up at her desk under a large VOID stamp. “We’re ready like a one-legged duck swimming in a circle.”

We weren’t sure what that meant, but moving on—blowing a six-run lead might seem sloppy, but the Herald saw it as a muchneeded break from a bigger fear— spelling.

Haley Henschel, running out of space to tally misspelled headlines from The Badger Herald in her 13,000-square-foot studio, did offer some support.

“ICYMI: It’s ‘Wisconsin,’ ‘Kaminsky,’ still ‘Kaminsky’ the second time and also ‘labyrinth,’” Henschel said, preparing to tattoo Oxford commas on Herald

five page 7

Thomas yonash/cardinal file photo

Cardinal staffers have long been practicing their celebration moves for when they inevitably win again this Saturday.