Amazon: piloting the new comedy
Softball’s greatest rivalry: The Cardinal transfers its winning streak from print to the diamond
+ARTS, page 6 University of Wisconsin-Madison
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Weekend, April 26-28, 2013
Campus, state leaders stand by WISPIRG By Justin Williams the daily cardinal
Student, faculty and legislative leaders held a press conference Thursday urging the University of Wisconsin System Board of Regents to reconsider UW-Madison Chancellor David Ward’s decision to deny Wisconsin Public Interest Research Group its full requested funding for the second-consecutive year. The press conference, led by WISPIRG board members, highlighted the organization’s work on campus and gave WISPIRG advocates including ASM representatives, UW-Madison faculty and state legislators, the chance to voice support for the student organization’s funding.
Ward recently denied WISPIRG funding for professional staff for the 2013-’14 funding year, despite budget approval from the Student Service Finance Committee, which allocates student fees. However, the chancellor must give final approval to all student organization budgets. SSFC Chair Ellie Bruecker filed an appeal of this decision last week with the regents, hoping the board will overrule his decision. Ward’s decision has garnered criticism throughout campus, including from ASM Rep. Maxwell John Love, who said the chancellor is acting against the voice of the student body. “It is disappointing to see that
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Committee plans next step in Library Mall redesign Members of the State Street Design Oversight Committee met Thursday to plan meetings with potential stakeholders to seek their input on the Library Mall redesign. The city plans to update the 700 and 800 blocks of State Street, which includes the Library Mall area, with additional lighting and improved
passageways for pedestrian and bike traffic. The committee held a public information meeting April 23, where members of the community shared their thoughts on the functionality of Library Mall and what could be improved. City Project Engineer Jason
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graphic by Dylan Moriarty
Hidden room in Memorial Union helps students recover lost items By Genevieve Globus THE DAILY CARDINAL
Whether it is a scarf or head phones, students constantly leave things behind in class or study spots around campus. But, what students do not know is that the Memorial Union has a hidden room dedicated to helping connect students with their forgotten belongings. While each building on campus has its own way of taking care of lost items, Memorial Union has a detailed system for logging items that are left behind. Wi s c o n s i n Un i o n Directorate Assistant Facilities Director Roger Vogts is in charge of keeping the union’s lost-and-found system functional and organized. “My job has me doing different things every day, so the variety makes it fun,” Vogts said. Items lost in both Memorial Union and Union South are brought into a large room in the basement of Memorial
Union where items are sorted and cataloged. The most common items found are seasonal clothing items, such as mittens and hats in the winter, and T-shirts in the summer. However, there have also been some more interesting items recovered, according to Vogts. “We had someone leave a cello once,” Vogts said. Other interesting items that have turned up include wedding rings and luggage. The more expensive items found in Memorial Union are stored in a safe, then handed over as soon as possible to the University of Wisconsin Police Department to attempt to track down their owners, according to Vogts. UWPD takes care of items with a value of over $100. The UWPD runs a campuswide, online lost-and-found database, which allows students to post items they have lost. The department also
posts items it has found and keeps in its office for students to retrieve. Memorial Union keeps its system fairly low-key in order to keep people from “item fishing,” according to Vogts. To retrieve one’s lost items from the lost and found, the owner must give a detailed description of the object. Approximately twice a semester, everything in the lost and found gets cleared out, Vogts said. Most of the clothing items are donated to organizations such as Goodwill, while other items, such as eye glasses and keys, are donated to organizations that recycle or reuse them. Credit cards are kept until the end of the day they are found, then shredded the next day. While many items are donated because they are not claimed, Vogts said it is always “rewarding” when belongings are reconnected with their owners.
Ward comments on system surplus funds at UW-Madison
on campus
An honest tradition
Students graduating this May participate in one of Wisconsin’s traditions, sitting on Abe’s lap and whispering their dreams. + Photo by Courtney Kessler
Following a statewide uproar after a legislative audit revealed the University of Wisconsin System held $1 billion in cash balances as of last June, UW-Madison Chancellor David Ward released additional details in a statement Thursday about where the extra funds will be used at the university. According to Ward, UW-Madison held approximately
$298 million in its reserves, most of which are identified for specific uses including increased financial aid, as well as program resources for majors such as engineering. Ward said in the statement although he understands the reactions of many state legislators, he believes Wisconsin universities are being “prudent stewards of resources.” He added he welcomes a discussion about what level
of reserves are appropriate as the university faces economic uncertainties and reduced revenue sources. However, he also said the university needs to remain conscious of affordability for Wisconsin families. “There is no higher priority at UW–Madison than continuing to keep tuition affordable while providing a world-class education,” Ward said.
“…the great state University of Wisconsin should ever encourage that continual and fearless sifting and winnowing by which alone the truth can be found.”
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hi 63º / lo 45º
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atmos-fear
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Weekend, April 26-28, 2013
dailycardinal.com
An independent student newspaper, serving the University of Wisconsin-Madison community since 1892 Volume 122, Issue 129
2142 Vilas Communication Hall 821 University Avenue Madison, Wis., 53706-1497 (608) 262-8000 • fax (608) 262-8100
News and Editorial
edit@dailycardinal.com Editor in Chief Scott Girard
Police encourage alternative activities after canceling Mifflin
Managing Editor Alex DiTullio
News Team News Manager Taylor Harvey Campus Editor Sam Cusick College Editor Cheyenne Langkamp City Editor Melissa Howison State Editor Jack Casey Enterprise Editor Samy Moskol Associate News Editor Meghan Chua Features Editor Ben Siegel Opinion Editors David Ruiz • Nikki Stout Editorial Board Chair Matt Beaty Arts Editors Cameron Graff • Andy Holsteen Sports Editors Vince Huth • Matt Masterson Page Two Editors Rachel Schulze • Alex Tucker Life & Style Editor Rebecca Alt Photo Editors Grey Satterfield • Abigail Waldo Graphics Editors Angel Lee • Dylan Moriarty Multimedia Editors Dani Golub Science Editor Matthew Kleist Copy Chiefs Brett Bachman • Molly Hayman Matthew Kleist • Rachel Wanat Copy Editors Maya Miller • Samy Moskol Kayla Schmidt
Business and Advertising business@dailycardinal.com Business Manager Jacob Sattler Office Manager Emily Rosenbaum Advertising Managers Erin Aubrey • Dan Shanahan Design Manager Lauren Mather Senior Account Executives Philip Aciman • Jade Likely Account Executives Jordan Laeyendecker Elissa Hersh • Madi Fair Tessa Coan • Lyndsay Bloomfield Zachary Hanlon • Paulina Kovalo Hannah Klein • Danny Mahlum Eric O’Neil • Will Huberty Ali Syverson • Catherine Rashid Alyssa Boczkicwicz Web Director Eric Harris Public Relations Manager Alexis Vargas Marketing Manager Caitlin Furin Events Manager Andrew Straus Creative Director Claire Silverstein Copywriters Dustin Bui • Bob Sixsmith The Daily Cardinal is a nonprofit organization run by its staff members and elected editors. It receives no funds from the university. Operating revenue is generated from advertising and subscription sales. The Daily Cardinal is published weekdays and distributed at the University of WisconsinMadison and its surrounding community with a circulation of 10,000. Capital Newspapers, Inc. is the Cardinal’s printer. The Daily Cardinal is printed on recycled paper. The Cardinal is a member of the Associated Collegiate Press and the Wisconsin Newspaper Association. All copy, photographs and graphics appearing in The Daily Cardinal are the sole property of the Cardinal and may not be reproduced without written permission of the editor in chief. The Daily Cardinal accepts advertising representing a wide range of views. This acceptance does not imply agreement with the views expressed. The Cardinal reserves the right to reject advertisements judged offensive based on imagery, wording or both. Complaints: News and editorial complaints should be presented to the editor in chief. Business and advertising complaints should be presented to the business manager. Letters Policy: Letters must be word processed and must include contact information. No anonymous letters will be printed. All letters to the editor will be printed at the discretion of The Daily Cardinal. Letters may be sent to opinion@ dailycardinal.com.
Editorial Board Matt Beaty • Alex DiTullio Anna Duffin • Nick Fritz • Scott Girard David Ruiz • Nikki Stout l
Board of Directors Jenny Sereno, President Scott Girard • Alex DiTullio Emily Rosenbaum • John Surdyk Erin Aubrey • Dan Shanahan Jacob Sattler • Melissa Anderson Stephen DiTullio • Herman Baumann Don Miner • Chris Drosner Jason Stein • Nancy Sandy Tina Zavoral © 2013, The Daily Cardinal Media Corporation ISSN 0011-5398
For the record Corrections or clarifications? Call The Daily Cardinal office at 608-262-8000 or send an email to edit@dailycardinal.com.
By Yams McYummy, M.D. FAKE NEWS FRIDAY
graphic by Dylan Moriarty
In a rare turn of events, veteran officer Jerry “Glass Jaw” Jameson questions his perpetrator, all the while planning to “taze the crap out of him,” according to Jameson’s partner Samuel Spade.
Streetwise cops bust underage drinker By Kane Kaiman fake news friday
Renegade University of Wisconsin-Madison Police Department officers Jerry “Glass Jaw” Jameson and Samuel Spade brought down a drunken perpetrator in classic Jameson-Spade fashion this past Saturday evening. Jameson, a jaded twentyyear veteran, and Spade, his loose-cannon rookie partner, arrested freshman Matthew
Lawler after a wild chase through the back alleys of College Court apartments. According to eyewitness reports, Lawler panicked and fled the scene when he noticed Jameson’s vintage 1966 Dodge Polara creeping up on him while he was urinating on one of the apartment buildings. What ensued was described as “some damn fine policework” by UW-Madison Police Chief John Watkins.
“We pulled the classic ‘run ’em and stun ’em.’ That’s where one guy chases the perp around until he rounds a corner where the other cop is hiding, that guy clotheslines him, and then we just taze the crap out of him,” Spade said. “Good thing that kid pissed beforehand.” Lawler marked Jameson and Spade’s incredible 50th arrest since teaming up in February. They have celebrated each one with a trip to Dunkin’ Donuts.
Tinder fails to produce any dates By Kane Kaiman FAKE NEWS FRIDAY
Tinder, the popular dating app, has failed to produce a single date in the Madison area. The iPhone app allows users to rate members of the opposite sex by liking or rejecting them with the swipe of a finger. When two people “like” each other, they become “matches.” In Madison, none of these matches have ever met faceto-face. Cindy Malkin, a freshman at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, spoke for the majority of Tinder users at the university when she said, “Yeah, like, you’re hot and you think I’m hot. But do not message me. It’s weird and creepy.” But a select group of students have taken a much more desperate approach. Thomas Bartlett gave the opposing point of view. “I get no responses on there. It makes you want
to slam your head into the wall,” Bartlett said. “Why did you ‘like’ me if you don’t like me?”
“Yeah, like, you’re hot and you think I’m hot. But do not message me. It’s weird and creepy.” Cindy Malkin freshman UW-Madison
Dr. Harold Francovis, a leader in cutting-edge sexuality research, believes these statements can be explained by what he called, “the maddening catch-22 Tinder really is.” Francovis said, “If no message is sent, two mutually attracted people never meet. If the message is sent, the sender is branded a ‘creeper,’ and two mutually attracted people still never meet.” He claims this horrible paradox results directly
from the people naturally drawn to Tinder: vain and social media-addicted students seeking someone’s approval and plain old-fashioned horny college kids. “That’s just not a combo that’s going to work,” Francovis said. “Most of them seek endless reassurance that they are attractive, but find the idea of meeting up with a complete stranger appalling. The hormones coursing through the veins of the brave ones distort their logical thinking skills and makes them actually believe they can hook up with someone without ever meeting them in a normal social setting.” He went on to predict that no other online entity will benefit more from Tinder’s failure than the UW-Madison Secret Admirers page. As the app dies down, more and more insecure and horny people will shift their attention to the new Facebook group.
One week after canceling the Mifflin Street Block Party, the Madison Police Department said Thursday it added a list of other May 4 events, though not officially sanctioned, that they will be supporting in addition to the Revelry Arts Festival. Those events included—but were not limited to—going to a party on East Mifflin Street, attending Wisconsin high schools’ National History Day presentations at the Pyle Center, and going to your sister’s graduation from Indiana University–Bloomington. MPD s p o ke s p e r s o n Joel DeSpain suggested UW-Madison students also consider having “a nice day in, rent some ‘Super Troopers,’ some Chinese take-out, have some gossipy time with your best girlfriends, you know, the safe kind of fun.” Following MPD’s suggestions, 10,000 students responded with a collective pause, moment of pondering, and resounding “Huh?”
“Revelry is the new beginning, the beginning of a chapter, the chapter of a new story, the story of tomorrow...” Revelry organizers facebook UW-Madison
But junior Mike Bagedy said he was not fazed nor bothered by the city’s announcement. “I think Mifflin is still a thing... I think Revelry is also a thing… a new thing. I think as long as I’m smurshed the whole day I don’t really care which of those things I go to,” he said in an interview during his African Storytellers lecture. Revelry, a music festival being held near Union South the same day as Mifflin that is not considered an alternative to Mifflin, will however offer an alternative space, alternative activities, and an alternative outlook for a May 4 fun-filled frolic, according to Revelry organizers. “Revelry is the new beginning, the beginning of a chapter, the chapter of a new story, the story of tomorrow, the tomorrow of tradition!” Revelry organizers said on Facebook. A new tradition indeed.
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ASM committee explores campus education initatives The Associated Students of Madison Shared Governance Committee heard from Vice Provost for Teaching and Learning Chris Olsen Thursday, who attended the meeting to ask committee members to “brainstorm” ways the university’s Educational Innovation efforts could better include student input. Educational Innovation, an initiative started by Chancellor David Ward during his current term, aims to create a more sustainable higher education environment through the use of new learning technologies. According to Olsen, the effort began as a “brainchild” of Ward with three goals in mind: to enhance teaching and learning, expand the number of students being educated and seek out new revenue streams for the university after multiple years of reduced state support. “We can’t simply complain we don’t have sufficient funds
to do the kinds of things we’d like to do,” Olsen said. “We have to show that we’re taking initiative on our own to try to move the campus forward.” The initiative’s leadership has developed three funds, “to put money into the hands of innovative faculty and instructional staff,” and is currently working with different faculty to explore new learning options in the classroom. Students said they would like to see better uses of iClickers in courses, as well as using course evaluations to gauge classroom innovation. Sh a r e d G ove r n a n c e Committee Chair Britt Moes said she welcomed Olsen to speak because she said she feels the project should involve student input. “When you are creating things for students … you have to know what that population wants,” Moes said. —Paige Villiard
justin williams/the daily cardinal
State Rep. Melissa Sargent, D-Madison, says Thursday she believes WISPIRG should receive its full requested budget.
wispirg from page 1 the chancellor does not have faith in our decision making capabilities,” Love said. In a March statement, Ward defended his decision not to allocate funding for non-university staff with student segregated fees, citing the UW System policy F50, which governs the distribution of student segregated fees. Ward said the student government needs to identify the need for staff services and then request contract approval under this policy, rather than seeking funding through SSFC. Since then WISPIRG has received support from over 10 percent of the student body, over 100 university faculty members and 20 student organizations. UW-Madison professor of sociology Chad Goldberg said he stands
in support of the appeal because Ward’s decision sets a “poor example” and harms the university’s reputation. “[Ward’s] refusal to approve WISPIRG funding in full erodes the democratic rights and freedoms of students on campus,” Goldberg said. State Rep. Melissa Sargent, D-Madison, said she also supported students’ authority to make decisions regarding their own fees. “It’s really important that we understand that if the university takes away the control of our students, of their segregated funds, and of their voice, then that’s a complete disservice to our city, to our state and to our country,” Sargent said. WISPIRG currently awaits the regents’ approval of their appeal to overturn Ward’s decision.
yihan liao/the daily cardinal
Whiskey Jacks’ dress code prohibits patrons from wearing excessively saggy clothes. The saloon has seen disturbances after dress code violations twice in the last month.
Police seek to ban man from State Street area after disturbance in Whiskey Jacks Madison Police Department officers are seeking to ban a man from State Street for causing a violent disturbance early Thursday morning at Whiskey Jacks Saloon, his second in the State Street area this spring, according to a police report. When saloon employees and a patron tried to remove Paris Reese, 22, from the saloon for not complying with its dress code, he punched the patron three times in the face, spit in an employee’s face and bit the shoulder of another employee, the report said. The incident occurred at approximately 12:30 a.m. after
a bouncer asked Reese to pull up his pants. Feeling harassed by the bouncer, Reese began throwing darts at a wall, leading to the attempt to remove him from the saloon, according to Madison Police Department spokesperson Joel DeSpain. MPD officers caught up to Reese on State Street after bouncers pushed him outside the saloon. He had a knife in his hand, the report said. In addition to the incident Thursday, Reese caused a disturbance on West Gilman Street Feb. 10. He punched two downtown residents in the face, chipping one of the
victim’s teeth. A similar bar fight occurred at Whiskey Jacks April 6 when a bar patron fought with two bouncers after refusing to reposition his hat to comply with the dress code stipulation hats be worn straight from front to back. Alex Aderman, Whiskey Jack Saloon manager, said it has had the dress code, which also bans excessively baggy clothing, since it opened. “I think it needs to be enforced, and they’re doing the best that they can,” Aderman said. —Gloria Young
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stakeholders, noting potential topics for discussion include the Library Mall fountain, clock tower and bike traffic. Bike traffic is currently prohibited on Library Mall, and Resnick said community members on both sides of the issue have “heated opinions” on whether or not bike traffic should be allowed on the mall. According to DiPiazza, the city will place cameras in the Library Mall area next week to
gauge the volume of bike traffic, which they will consider in the decision-making process. DiPiazza said he was surprised by certain concerns community members brought up at the April 23 meeting, including the transition between the mall and Bascom Hill, as well as the lack of grass in the area. He said the city will consider the community’s input as plans move forward. —Sarah Olson
DiPiazza said he wants to hold meetings with area businesses, including the University Bookstore, Memorial Library and Subway, in the next two to three weeks to stay on schedule with the planned start of construction, which is set for the beginning of 2014. Ald. Scott Resnick, District 8, said he anticipates issues will arise after talking to
Committee co-chairs table ‘non-fiscal’ budget discussion After a Legislative Fiscal Bureau report was conducted to determine the “non-fiscal” portions of Gov. Scott Walker’s budget proposal, the co-chairs of the Joint Finance Committee drew criticism for only removing 12 of the LFB’s 58 recommendations from the proposal, none of which included the contentious private voucher expansion and residency law portions. As a formality, the LFB recommended non-fiscal portions of the budget be removed from the budget, but it is the JFC cochairs’ final decision on which proposals will be discussed in JFC budget hearings. The co-chairs, state Sen. Alberta Darling, R-River Hills,
and state Rep. John Nygren, R-Marinette, elected not to allow discussion or voting on the LFB recommendations. Both the voucher and residency proposals have divided state officials since the budget was introduced Feb. 20. The voucher proposal, which is designed to allow low-income students enrolled in struggling public schools to access better education through private schools, would expand the state’s system to nine additional school districts. The residency rule, which requires public workers live in the same municipality where they work, would be eliminated the rule statewide
if the budget is passed in its current form. The co-chairs’ decision to table discussion of the non-fiscal portions drew criticism from committee Democrats, including state Reps. Cory Mason, D-Racine, and Jon Richards, D-Milwaukee, who said the committee was denying important discussions and “taking a step back” in the process. Democratic critics said they would prefer to see all nonfiscal portions introduced as legislation instead of through the budget. The JFC will hold additional executive hearings in the coming weeks. —Jack Casey
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dailycardinal.com
Committee to conduct additional UW System audit Legislators seek surplus details The state’s Joint Legislative Audit Committee announced it would conduct a further audit
of the University of Wisconsin System in light of the April 19 Legislative Fiscal Bureau report that revealed the system is operating with a $648 million surplus in unrestricted funds. The system’s surplus drew immediate criticism from state
Police to increase weekend presence in downtown area The Madison Police Department will increase its presence downtown on weekends in the spring and summer months in an effort to curb disruptive behavior, MPD Central District Captain Carl Gloede said in a release Thursday.
“... officers will look to engage the public in conversation... ” Cark Gloede Central District Captain Madison Police Department
The increase for the downtown and State Street areas will include police officers on bicycles and horses.
“This will be a high-visibility policing effort where officers will look to engage the public in conversation while enforcing relevant ordinances to manage behavior,” Gloede said in the release. Additionally, Gloede said MPD has worked with community and commercial groups on State Street, such as Madison’s Central Business Improvement District, on the Collective Community Ban project aimed at stopping repeat offenders of crimes, such as battery or disorderly conduct, from entering State Street businesses. In other efforts to increase safety downtown, the release said the city has installed additional lighting and cameras as well as increased police staffing for times when police receive the most calls for service, according to the release.
UW-Madison to stop offering bus passes free of charge to employees University of Wisconsin– Madison employees will be charged $24 for previously free bus passes beginning in August, according to a university press release. The new charge is due to budgetary concerns and is aimed at maintaining a sustainable budget for the UW Employee Bus Pass Program, according to the release. Approximately 7,000 of the 15,000 UW-Madison employees that currently hold a bus pass use the pass regularly each month, accounting for more than 1.5 million bus rides annually, the release said.
The Associated Students of Madison and Transportation Services will continue to fully fund campus bus routes 80, 81, 82 and 84, which provide free bus rides without requiring a bus pass. ASM will continue to provide UW-Madison students with bus passes that cover all city bus routes and are paid for through student-segregated fees. UW Hospital employees will also continue to receive bus passes from Transportation Services because the UW Hospital provides funding for employee bus passes, according to the release.
officials, many of whom said they lost confidence in the system’s ability to control its own fiscal affairs. After the report and harsh criticism, the system released information showing detailed allocations for its large surplus. Jason Mugnaini, a co-clerk
of the audit committee, said the committee is planning another audit to determine the UW System’s “level of commitment” to allocating its surplus to the areas it provided after information of the surplus was released. “We don’t feel that the com-
mitment level for those purposes was direct,” Mugnaini said. Additionally, Mugnaini said the committee plans to request a timeline for expenditures, including whether the allocations have received approval from the system’s Board of Regents.
comics
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Your exam is in ten minutes...
Today’s Sudoku
Eatin’ Cake
Talk about range... Mark Hamill both plays Luke Skywalker in Star Wars and the voices Batman’s Joker. Weekend, April 26-28, 2013 • 5
By Dylan Moriarty www.EatinCake.com
© Puzzles by Pappocom
Caved In
By Nick Kryshak nkryshak@wisc.edu
Solution, tips and computer program available at www.sudoku.com.
Fill in the grid so that every row, every column and every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 through 9.
Santa needs his
By Melanie Shibley shibley@wisc.edu
Daily Cardinal ...don’t you? Today’s Crossword Puzzle
This week’s requests Can you draw Bucky Iron Man flying the city of Madison? —Brian G.
Answer key available at www.dailycardinal.com
A DEADLY JOKE ACROSS 1 Traveled like a lawn dart 6 Belgrade inhabitant 10 Sticks up 14 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame member Sam 15 Brainy creation 16 Share a border with 17 Come-on line 20 Prior to, to a poet 21 “The Auld Sod,” poetically 22 Magnitude 23 Like lymphatic tissue 25 Oil name on a very small truck 26 Acknowledge the band 28 Fish market fare 32 Kind of eclipse 34 Singer Vikki 35 Proceed from a chairlift 38 Come-on line 42 Sounds of surprise 43 Become disillusioned 44 Freudian mistakes, e.g. 45 “Citizen Kane” line 48 Fit of bad temper 49 Act as a henchman 51 Smoking gun
3 5 55 56 59 62 63 4 6 65 66 67
Acts smug University grad Neighbor of Virgo Come-on line Litter’s littlest Hymn of praise (var.) On edge Bathtub swirl Tough to solve Brief quarrel
DOWN 1 Result of overexercise 2 Laugh heartily 3 Solemn agreements 4 Monogram of “The Duke” (Ellington) 5 Covered with morning moisture 6 “Sharp as a tack,” for example 7 First family’s home 8 Abbr. after many an old general’s name 9 Pig pic 10 Braved the rapids 11 Double reeds 12 Goes up in smoke 13 “Don’t change!” to a printer 18 Timeline divisions 19 Advises earnestly 24 Brightly colored fish 26 Advertising award
7 Rife with vegetation 2 29 Lip-puckering 30 Air traffic control org. 31 Dinner plate scraping 33 Italian side dish 35 Cheapskate 36 French soldier’s cap 37 “Meet Me ___ Louis” 39 Marine mayday 40 Try to get damages 41 “As if that weren’t enough …” 45 “Location, location, location” business 46 High elevation area 47 “Ear” or “hum” follower 49 Viva voce 50 All tied up 52 Leaves out on purpose 53 “Did ___ and gimble in the wabe” (“Jabberwocky”) 54 10th grader, for short 55 Churchill’s “___ Country” 57 Point to the right 58 Two-tone dunker 60 Hawaii’s Mauna ___ 61 Bruce of martial arts films
Jaime Lannister, Buster Bluth and Luke Skywalker all hanging out together, lamenting the loss of their hands. —Derek S.
GRAPHICS BY DYLAN MORIARTY and NICK VANDER WOUDE
Submit your Draw Me Something request to
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Previewing Amazon’s new online pilots By Adam Paris The Daily Cardinal
The race to pump out compelling, original video content online is in full swing. The timesucking behemoths known as Amazon, Netflix and Hulu are grappling to see who can first destroy productivity on earth as we know it. With “Arrested Development” looming on Netflix, Amazon has taken the novel approach of presenting eight different comedy pilots for its users to review. The entire concept of trying to judge a comedy based on its pilot is utterly ridiculous, and not the kind that makes people guffaw. More than any other television genre, comedies develop slowly and oftentimes drastically change from their early episodes. Look at “The Office,” “Parks and Recreation” and “Seinfeld” in their first seasons. These initial creations seem like strange experiments in chemistry building and character development
any more creative. Even John Goodman and Bill Murray’s profanity-laced rant can’t save this show. “Alpha House” gets a lowly three filibustered lolz. “Betas”: “Betas” takes place in Silicon Valley, where a start-up company is seeking to market its “brb” social media program. The setting is refreshingly modern as Google Earth helps transitions between locations. It sounds hokey, but it actually helps maintain the technological aesthetic. “Betas” is strangely mature for a simple pilot, with a well-defined A/B plot that brings both real emotion and humorous beats. Ed Begley Jr. as a technology mogul is a particular treat. “Betas” shows real potential scoring eight octopus-fucked lolz. “Browsers”: Continuing the theme of young’uns trying to find their way in the world, “Browsers” takes place at a Huffington Post style news aggregator as four new interns hope to impress their new boss. “Browsers” uses musical num-
Photo Courtesy of Amazon Studios
“Dark Minions” shows promise with it’s “Wallace & Gromit”-esque stopmotion animation and “Spaceballs” humor, but it seems unlikely that it will be the series picked for full production. Onion’s sardonic take on news so every ridiculous story elicited a hearty chuckle. However, I question whether this can evolve beyond a silly headline producer and into a comedy with chemistry and character
Photo Courtesy of Amazon Studios
“Betas,” a show about a group of ambitious programmers and their new company, is well developed and, in Paris’ opinion, the most promising of Amazon’s potential new series. with very little resemblance to their late-season iterations. Amazon has tasked its users with the all-important task of choosing which show should be picked up based on a pilot that is rarely indicative of what the final product will look like. Fear not readers, I’m here to sort out the ROFLs from the riff-raff so people can be productive! Here’s my break down of the comedy pilots using my patented one to ten lolz scale:
More than any other television genre, comedies develop slowly and oftentimes drastically change from their early episodes.
“Alpha House”: Four senator buddies bunk up in a house while hilarity ensues. It’s a classic frat tale that transcends time, becoming an innovative and comedic look at the lives of senators. Oh wait, that’s just the description for the show—it’s actually pretty dumb. Simply turning senators into college bros doesn’t make the homophobic, crappy intern jokes
bers to help set it apart from standard comedies, but it doesn’t add anything to the show. They introduce character development in an off-putting, overt, showy manner quasi-predicated on internet memes and culture. Despite the creator’s prestigious histories at “The Daily Show” and “30 Rock,” “Browsers” fails to capture the grounded reality that “Betas” mixes so well with comedic moments. “Browsers” sings out four operatic lolz. “Dark Minions”: I’m a sucker for stop-motion animation. I love “Wallace & Gromit” and “Chicken Run,” so “Dark Minions’” visual aesthetic certainly appealed to my inner clay-loving self. It’s too bad only four minutes or so are animated this way, with the rest done as storyboard drawings. There’s a Spaceballsian element to “Dark Minions” that I like, but most of the jokes revolve around sexual alien imagery and pot-smoking. “Dark Minions” might evolve into a serviceable animated show if given the time, but like its pilot, I don’t think the show will be given a chance to actually be completed. “Dark Minions” tokes up six reefer-infused lolz. “Onion News Empire”: I’m torn over this pilot. I love The
development. Jeffery Tambor steals the show, as he is wont to do, as David Bryant, the vindictive old anchor who will do anything to discredit the up and comers at the Empire. “Onion News Empire” certainly has the lolz factor, and a likable young duo in Christpoher Masterson and Aja Naomi King, but I’m
simply not sure about its longterm sustainability. “Onion News Empire” broadcasts seven illiterate lolz. “Supanatural”:Oh dear “Supanatural”, how absolutely revolting your premise is. Two divas that work at a mall double as supernatural hunters trying to protect their fellow mall workers from a crystal skull trying to cause Armageddon. Maybe it’s because I work in a mall, but this crass, rude, stereotypical humor is incredibly unappealing. Wait, is that a bunch of Indian sexual innuendo? Sigh. What’s the opposite of ROFLing? ROFCrying? Maybe just ROFBored out of my mind because this show sucks? “Supanatural” gets two sarcastic lolz. “Those Who Can’t”: “Those Who Can’t” is predicated on distilling the lives of three high school teachers down to the levels of immaturity typically seen in their students. The dynamic between the three is undeniable and I enjoyed the quick “30 Rock”esque cuts between scenes. It reminds me of a more mature “Ned’s Declassified,” but the hilarity has sort of worn off at this point. Sure, it’s kind of funny to see a teacher dress up in chains and grab heroin, but it’s also petulant and doesn’t provide the laughs it might have for my eighth grade self. “Those Who Can’t” grades out at five Yahtzee lolz.
“Zombieland”: Written by Paul Wernick and Rhett Reese, the original scribes of the “Zombieland” film, this pilot hits on many of the same beats the movie did. Starring the same characters played by different actors, “Zombieland” already has a strong dynamic between the four travelers. Stepping into Woody Harrelson’s shoes is no easy feat, but Kirk Ward performs amicably as Tallahassee. I question the economic feasibility of a show predicated on special effects and widespread movement, but it was a fun, promising pilot. “Zombieland” splatters six gore-laden lolz on the board.
Oh dear, “Supanatural,” how absolutely revolting your premise is.
That’s a wrap for my coverage of Amazon’s freshly stocked comedy pilots. While I can’t speak for everyone, I really hope “Betas” gets the series order. It has a smart, diverse cast with an already welldefined story arc providing realistic character emotions. I fear “Zombieland” may win by virtue of its name recognition, but hopefully I’m proven wrong. Either way, as long as it’s not “Supanatural,” I’ll be supa-happy.
Photo Courtesy of Amazon Studios
“Onion News Empire” offers many of the same laughs The Onion’s other online material does, but whether it will be able to keep its formula funny is another question entirely.
opinion UW surplus should stop rise in tuition dailycardinal.com
Mitch Taylor opinion columnist
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lot of people are upset following last Friday’s news that the University of Wisconsin System ended last school year with $1 billion to spare. Normally a money surplus is a good thing, but this raises a puzzling question. Why is tuition going up if the university is rolling in Benjamins? The UW system explained that it needs extra money in case of unforeseen expenses or research funding shortages. This is understandable, but it sure as hell doesn’t explain why our tuition rises every year. In response to the surplus, students, UW leaders, state legislators and Gov. Scott Walker have called for a tuition freeze and I completely agree. Tuition is way too high and certainly should not be going up. I understand that as a college student I am approaching the issue of tuition from a position of bias, just as a chicken cannot discuss KFC objectively. But neither, for that matter, can Colonel Sanders. In fact, the funny thing
about the relationship between humans and chickens is that both of the involved parties have quite a bias on the issue. Humans have something to gain from the killing and eating of chickens, namely their delectable juiciness. Chickens on the other hand, generally, I would imagine, prefer not to be cooked and eaten. Despite the obvious disagreement, countless chickens are eaten by humans every day. This is because the decision regarding the fate of chickens is ultimately in the hands of humans and, let’s be honest, chickens are delicious.
Ultimately, the amount of money we have to pay to attend college will be decided by the people we’re paying.
As students, we don’t want to pay extraordinarily high tuition rates. The university, however, has something to gain from charging them. Ultimately,
the amount of money we have to pay to attend college will be decided by the people we’re paying. The more they charge, the more gold they can pile up in a cave somewhere guarded by a dragon or whatever it is they do with surplus money. I’m going somewhere with this chicken thing. Bear with me. Spend one day rooting through the garbage at any restaurant and you’ll realize the disgusting amount of food that people waste. Consequently, much of it is chicken. Let’s imagine for a minute that chickens are all-in-all not overly concerned with their own lives and accept the fact that their entire purpose on Earth is little more than laying eggs and being deep fried. Even so, they would not be at all happy to discover how much of their sacrifice goes to waste. Why should a chicken subject himself to the degrading ordeal of being beheaded and cooked when he’ll just end up in the trash because some four-year-old kid suddenly decided he doesn’t like Chicken McNuggets? In the same way, why should I put myself in crippling debt when the university
Media coverage of critical events overshadowed by trivialities Lanni solochek opinion columnist
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ome celebrities are great people. They’re brave, they stand up for what they believe in and they use their status to help those who can’t help themselves. Unfortunately, we are rarely given a glimpse into this side of Hollywood because media publications are so incredibly focused on eye-catching headliners and trash news. I will admit that I do love some good celebrity gossip, but it’s really sad that we can’t look past the gossip sometimes and just tell a great story.
It’s becoming harder and harder to focus on the news and trust headlines when major publications practically make a joke of extremely serious situations.
Most recently, two specific stories show just how shallow the media can be. A few weeks ago, Heidi Klum, noted Victoria’s Secret Angel and beauty queen, saved the lives of her son and his nanny from a riptide current that nearly dragged them out to sea and drowned them. Valiant acts like this by non-celebrities are praised all over local news stations and plastered on the front of papers with headlines that express the true bravery of the person. However, because Heidi Klum is her stunning
self, some media outlets almost negated her heroism in favor of commentary on her bathing suit slightly sliding off and exposing her breast while she was dragging her son’s drowning nanny out of the ocean. Popular publications like New York Magazine and DailyMotion boasted headlines that completely undermined Heidi’s heroism in favor of her suit slip. Why is it necessary to even mention that Heidi was so-called “exposed?”
It’s time to focus on what matters—people helping others.
The fact that this would probably have been the headline regardless of the gender of the celebrity speaks volumes about what the media really cares about. The focus of the articles should have been Heidi’s bravery, not her breasts. This isn’t just a problem in magazines, it’s a problem in society. However, it really stands out in cases like these when I see headlines like “Heidi Klum Flashes Nipple Rescuing Nanny!” Was that really necessary? I think not. Another instance of this showed up in USA Today. Alan Gendreau, a former kicker for Middle Tennessee State, is looking for another shot at the NFL after a rough senior year prevented him from being
signed in 2012. While the article itself praises Gendreau and focuses on his athletics, the headline reads “Openly gay kicker aims for NFL.” While I think it is absolutely wonderful there will possibly be an openly gay NFL player in the future, I also think it’s absolutely unnecessary to bring up this fact if it’s not going to be expanded upon in the article. If an article’s subject is sports, it should have a headline to match. Headlines like these are misleading and feel like they’re only written to catch someone’s attention. If USA Today had instead focused this article on the struggles of being gay in professional sports, I think it could have been a great article that sent a really important message. Unfortunately, the fact that Gendreau is gay is only used as a zing-phrase and is almost stigmatized because of its lack of follow up. It is a huge deal that this is a possibility, but instead it’s being turned into an advertising fad. It’s becoming harder and harder to focus on the news and trust headlines when major publications practically make a joke of extremely serious situations. It’s time to focus on what matters—people helping others. Celebrities becoming symbols of hope and strength is extremely common and the media could easily embrace that fact and attract more readers with truthful stories focusing on important topics versus the negation of extremely significant details. What do you think of the media’s triviality? Please send all feedback to opinion@dailycardinal.com.
Weekend, April 26-28, 2013
doesn’t even need my money? Education is one of the most important public issues in any society. Education is what creates entrepreneurs and world leaders and great scholars. It should not be a luxury. It should not be limited to only those who can afford it. It should not be a financial sacrifice. With higher education as it is today, students are essentially told, “Sure you can receive the opportunity to pursue your dreams and receive the tools and resources to achieve your full potential and contribute it to society, but you have to pay us tens of thousands of dollars a year.” The worst part is that with the availability of information nowadays, we aren’t even paying for the knowledge. We’re putting ourselves in horrible debt for a piece of paper that certifies that we paid a fortune and took a couple tests. I have a friend who goes to a technical school. He has several hours of class each night and is always doing homework. After two years of working his butt off he’ll receive a technical degree. I, on the other hand
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have three hours of class a day and virtually no homework. After four years of watching Netflix and browsing Reddit I’ll have a BA. The difference is that I’m paying way more just for a more respected piece of paper. Anyone can work hard and learn and become a master of their field, but only the people who pay can be recognized for it.
Why should I put myself in crippling debt when the university doesn’t even need my money?
Just like the way a species must reproduce to survive, an institution must make money. Universities are expensive to operate and we can’t expect to attend such a great one for any small amount. The university, in turn, should not expect us to pay more and more each year when it is sitting on a gold-plated toilet. Please send all feedback to opinion@dailycardinal.com.
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Sports
weekend april 26-28, 2013 DailyCardinal.com
Football
Keeping the tradition A run-first offense, UW’s backfield unit could have more depth than ever before in 2013
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Story by Rex Shield
ost college football programs around the country would be more than pleased with a proven running back like senior James White. However, as alluded to in Wednesday’s feature, the running back tradition at Wisconsin is unlike any other, as redshirt sophomore running back Melvin Gordon is a guy who could start at almost any other Division 1 program. Standing at 6-foot-1 and weighing in at 203 pounds, Gordon possesses the physical attributes to be an every-down back and proved that to a certain extent last year in a limited role, as he rushed for 621 yards on 62 carries—an absurd average of 10 yards per carry, which led the country. And even though
Gordon has not put up staggering career numbers like White or other running backs in past seasons, his Adrian Peterson-type body frame coupled with sheer athleticism may elevate him to one of the best Wisconsin has seen in quite some time, according to ESPN Big Ten writer Adam Rittenberg. “When you look at Melvin Gordon, you see a guy sizewise who looks like a featured back,” Rittenberg told The Daily Cardinal. “Melvin may have the highest ceiling of any of these backs... He may be the best of the bunch.” You don’t need to tell that twice to Gordon, who also acknowledged his potential after the conclusion of Saturday’s annual spring game. “I still need work, obviously,
Softball
but I think I can be really good,” Gordon said. With White’s carries being limited for precautionary reasons throughout much of spring practice, including the spring game, those in attendance got a small glimpse of what Gordon can do in a more featured role. He put together a string of strong spring practices and capped it off with a strong performance Saturday, carrying the ball 17 times for 74 yards and a touchdown. While a plethora of praise has been and will continue to be deviated toward White and Gordon, let’s not forget running backs coach Thomas Hammock still has the luxury of three more capable backs in redshirt junior Jeff Lewis, redshirt freshman Vonte Jackson and incoming freshman Corey Clement.
“Jackson—if he can stay healthy—is a guy to watch. I think Clement is the guy who people are really excited about in Madison,” Rittenberg said. “You also have Jeff Lewis, who at many schools, would probably be a backup or maybe even a starter.” If you look historically at the depth charts when guys like Brent Moss, Ron Dayne, Michael Bennett, Montee Ball and other great running backs who played for Wisconsin, their respective depth charts had nowhere near as much competition as 2013’s depth chart will have with White, Gordon, Lewis, Jackson and Clement. Yes, I know 2010’s three-headed monster of John Clay, Ball and White was unreal in terms of productivity. Yet, if you compare from top-to-bottom, number one through number five on the
depth chart, the 2013 unit reigns supreme, which leads to the question: How will new offensive coordinator Andy Ludwig utilize this crowded backfield? “I think it’s a bit of a different dynamic because it’s a new offense, new coaching staff,” Rittenberg said. “All signs really point toward to [Ludwig] using the backs in a more broad role, not just guys carrying the ball but coming out of the backfield and catching the ball.” When next year’s fall camp rolls around, there will be a slew of new coaches on the offensive side of the ball, which in turn will lead to new offensive schemes within the playbook. However, the stability of the running backs unit will remain the same, just like it has been for the past two decades.
Butt Kicking
Badgers head to Indiana looking to build on sixgame winning streak By Blake Duffin The Daily Cardinal
The delayed arrival of spring weather has brought with it success for the Wisconsin softball team. The Badgers (12-5 Big Ten, 35-9 overall) will attempt to build upon their six-game win streak this weekend in Bloomington, Ind. The three-game series will open Friday at 5 p.m., and Saturday and Sunday’s games will both be played at noon. Contrary to Wisconsin, the Hoosiers (3-13, 19-28) have lost eight straight games and currently only stand ahead of Penn State in the conference standings. Their last win came April 7 at home against the Nittany Lions. Purdue, Michigan and Illinois have swept Indiana since, so IU will undoubtedly be looking to break its losing streak. Despite the record of the struggling Hoosiers squad, they do have some talent that can pose a possible threat to Wisconsin. Senior infielder Amanda Wagner is currently ranked No. 13 in the nation for batting, as she holds a .445 average at the plate. Wagner earned a spot on last year’s All-Big Ten second team and was voted Indiana’s Most Valuable Player. Defensively, the Badgers can expect to see junior pitcher Meaghan Murphy, who has appeared in 25 of Indiana’s games and holds a 2.99 ERA.
Indiana also swept a two-game series against Georgia Tech, who was ranked No. 24 at the time. This suggests the Hoosiers have the ability to compete with anyone, including the Badgers. Wisconsin looks to continue the same effective formula consisting of solid pitching backed by run support. The Badgers have outscored their opponents 24-14 over their six-game win streak. Badgers stud senior pitcher, Meghan McIntosh, will undoubtedly see action this weekend as she has pitched in three of Wisconsin’s last four games. McIntosh currently holds a 1.64 ERA and an 11-4 record. Offensively, the Badgers must continue to get runners on base. They have become reliant on the long ball in recent games, so consistency at the plate will be essential to success this weekend. This, coupled with the continuation of stellar pitching, should play in the favor of Wisconsin. The Badgers last met the Hoosiers in their 2010-’11 season two years ago, where UW was swept in a two-game series. Wisconsin currently stands third in the Big Ten standings, behind conference undefeateds Michigan and Nebraska. The Badgers can possibly anchor their way past Nebraska following this weekend, as they stand only onehalf game behind.
Frederick tabbed with 31st pick Former Badger center The Sharon Wis., Native ravis Frederick was T earned consensus secselected by the Dallas ond-team All-Big Ten Cowboys with the 31st honors during his redoverall pick in the NFL shirt sophomore seaDraft Thursday. son and followed that Frederick was a threeup with a first -team year letter winner at UW All-Big Ten selection and started every game during his redshirt his redshirt sophomore junior campaign. FREDERICK Brett Bachman and junior seasons.
Mark kauzlarich/cardinal file photo
Members of The Daily Cardinal staff react with pure ecstasy to their victory over the employees of rival student newspaper The Badger Herald in their annual softball game.
Daily Cardinal, Associated Press... er, I mean Badger Herald, to square off at Vilas Park Saturday By Dax Lotulelii the daily cardinal
This Saturday will be defined by three words: bats, balls and glory. No, it’s not another late night pleasure-party with your dominatrix hooker. It is time for the annual showdown between one of the world’s greatest rivalries as The Daily Cardinal and The Badger Herald are set to take the field at Vilas Park for their annual softball game. Following last year’s historic come-from-behind victory, cohead coach Vince Huth said the Cardinals are feeling optimistic. However, he added his team is taking no chances following reports the Herald has been practicing twice per week for the past month, though it is unclear if that has been in preparation for the softball game or next year’s production schedule.
“We can’t give them any cushion room this year,” Huth said, pulling his brand-new ‘kick ass for ass-kicking’ socks up past his ankle. “This year is going to be different, except for the whole winning thing.” Taking the mound for the second straight year is Matt “Strongarm” Kleist, who is said to be the genetic equivalent of Nolan Ryan and Randy Johnson’s love child. While his good looks and charm are enough to distract the female batters, co-head coach Matt Masterson said Kleist’s arm will easily handle the slightly less feminine foes. “It’s all about getting that W,” Kleist said between determined gasps as he finished the final regiment of his third consecutive P90X routine. “And the bitches. Mostly the bitches.” Cardinal captain and Editor in
Chief Scott Girard said he hasn’t been so sure of a victory since every other year he has played the Herald. Still, he said Photo Editor and clean-up hitter Abby “Money” Waldo brings a new intensity to the Cardinal sure to strike fear into the hearts of counterpart Ryan Rainey’s squad. Waldo, fresh out of anger management, said she hasn’t led this strong of a front-line attack since leading SEAL Team Six in Operation Neptune Spear, where she said Osama Bin Laden was “lucky [she] didn’t get to him before the bullet did.” “My therapist told me I need contain my rage and find my happy place during this game,” Waldo said, gripping the bat with a sadistic smile etched across her face. “Oh, I’ll find my happy place, motherfucker. You can count on that.”