Monday, October 28, 2013 - The Daily Cardinal

University of Wisconsin-Madison

Complete campus coverage since 1892

l

dailycardinal.com

Monday, October 28, 2013

Students take Freakfest center stage

AMY GRUNTNER/the daily cardinal

Police estimate more than 35,000 people flooded State Street for the seventh annual Freakfest, where Matt and Kim and Chiddy Bang were among the top headliners.

By Emmett Mottl and Siddharth Pandey the daily cardinal

The cold winter temperatures did not deter Freakfest audiences this year, with over 35,000 reported to have attended the event, according to a Madison Police Department estimate.

The MPD led crowd control efforts, and multiple local police departments assisted in patrolling the event.

Crime remained relatively low at this year’s Halloween celebration, with a reported 28 arrests, according to an MPD report, which is slightly lower than the 36 arrests reported last year. Most citations issued were for disorderly conduct or underage drinking.

Both Mayor Paul Soglin and Common Council President, Ald. Chris Schmidt, District 11, were away during the festivities, leaving Council Vice President, Ald.

Van Hollen seeks temporary stay of Act 10 court orders The state Department of Justice requested Friday that the state Supreme Court and the Court of Appeals temporarily stop proceedings in two different Dane County Circuit Court orders to ensure school districts collective bargaining agent certification elections, according to a press release from Attorney General J.B. Van Hollen.

Both of the orders arose from a challenge to Act 10, which is Gov. Scott Walker’s controversial legislation that limited many state workers’ collective bargaining rights.

Agent certification elections allow employees within a collective bargaining unit to

choose annually whether they want a collective bargaining agent to represent them and if so, who it should be.

If either of the motions is granted by Oct. 29, agent certification elections would occur as scheduled Nov. 1, according to the release.

The elections could still occur this year if either of the motions is granted by Nov. 4, according to the release.

“Act 10 is, in all respects, constitutional,” Van Hollen said in the release, but the Circuit Court issued an order that “dramatically alters the status quo” because it ruled before the state Supreme Court heard final arguments in the Act 10 challenge.

Diversity committee asks for input As the University of Wisconsin-Madison works to develop a new framework for diversity and inclusion, the Ad Hoc Diversity Planning Committee is asking members of the campus community share input in a series of upcoming discussion sessions throughout November.

Since February, a team of campus and community members have been working to create a new framework for “guiding, shaping and strengthening UW-Madison’s commitment to inclusive excellence

and innovation,” according to a news release.

The sessions will take place Nov. 4 from 9 a.m. to noon at the Memorial Union, Nov. 5 from 1 p.m. through 4 p.m. in the Gordon Common Dining and Event Center, Nov. 6 from 11 p.m. to 1 a.m. in the Health Sciences Learning Center.

They will continue into the following week on Nov. 11 from 11 p.m. to 1 a.m. in the Memorial Union’s Tripp Commons and Nov. 12 from 5 p.m. to 8 p.m. in the Mendota Room of Dejope Residence Hall.

Scott Resnick, District 8, as acting mayor for the evening.

Resnick said Freakfest was a “well organized and safe event,” this year. He added “the rioting is a thing of the past.”

University of WisconsinMadison student involvement in this year’s Freakfest celebration increased with the addition of a stage sponsored by the student-run radio station WSUM and run entirely by students.

WSUM Program Director Kelsey Brannan said Frank Productions, the organizers behind Freakfest, approached WSUM about sponsoring the stage.

Booking local acts was a major factor in planning the lineup, according to Brannan.

“The goal was to keep it pretty local, so all of the bands were either from Madison or Milwuakee,” Brannan said.

Milwaukee rock band The Living

Statues headlined the WSUM stage.

Drummer Chris Morales said he was excited to play the event.

“We got invited to headline the WSUM stage, and we gladly took it,” Morales said. “It’s the biggest Halloween festival, that we know of at least, so we had to just take advantage. Enjoy not only the kind of decor and spectacle of it all but then get to play for a huge audi-

freakfest page 3

STUDENT PROFILE

Senior Eric Dahl eats his way to a computer engineering degree

By Melissa Howison THE DAILY CARDINAL

Rather than make pizzas to pay for his college education, Eric Dahl inhales them.

Dahl, a University of Wisconsin-Madison senior, has traveled to more than 13 states over the past two and a half years to partake in approximately 50 eating competitions as a way to earn money for school.

“Most people wouldn’t eat a bite of it, but I ate nine and a half pounds in six minutes.”

Eric Dahl champion eater UW-Madison senior

One time he even elicited cooperation from his professor of Asian-American history to take the class final early one morning so he could try his hand in a turkey-sandwicheating contest later that afternoon. However, Dahl said not everyone is receptive to his lucrative hobby.

“A lot of people, as soon as I

say I’m a competitive eater or they find out I’m a competitive eater ... they shut me down,” Dahl said.

“They’re like ‘oh, you’re a glutton, you’re disgusting,’ and all these things. They don’t see the work that I put into it.”

According to Dahl, that work includes rigorous training to improve his technique and speed as well as to develop his stomach capacity so he can eat large amounts of sometimes odd foods at record paces. One of the strangest, Dahl said, was lutefisk; a white fish soaked in lye until it reaches the consistency of “jelly.”

“Most people wouldn’t eat a bite of it, but I ate nine and a half pounds in six minutes,” Dahl said.

According to Dahl, wrestling in high school prepared him for the mentality competitive eating requires.

“In wrestling everything is on you, and same with competitive eating,” Dahl said.

“Your performance is entirely related on you and how hard you trained and how hard you push yourself during the competition.”

Although he has established

strong followings on Facebook and Youtube by marketing his competitive eating alter ego “the

COURTNEY KESSLER/file photo

UW senior Eric Dahl devoured 8.9 pieces of Ian’s pizza in 10 minutes at the National Pizza Eating contest Sept. 21. profile page 3

“…the great state University of Wisconsin should ever encourage that continual and fearless sifting and winnowing by which alone the truth can be found.”

page two 2

l

tuesday: rainy

hi 45º / lo 34º

hi 50º / lo 36º

Monday, October 28, 2013

An independent student newspaper, serving the University of Wisconsin-Madison community since 1892 Volume 123, Issue 33

2142 Vilas Communication Hall 821 University Avenue Madison, Wis., 53706-1497 (608) 262-8000 • fax (608) 262-8100

The Dirty Bird

News and Editorial Editor-in-Chief Abigail Becker

Managing Editor Mara Jezior

News Team News Manager Sam Cusick Campus Editor Megan Stoebig College Editor Tamar Myers City Editor Melissa Howison State Editor Jack Casey Enterprise Editor Meghan Chua Associate News Editor Sarah Olson Features Editor Shannon Kelly Opinion Editors Haleigh Amant • Nikki Stout Editorial Board Chair Anna Duffin Arts Editors Cameron Graff • Andy Holsteen Sports Editors Brett Bachman • Jonah Beleckis Page Two Editors Rachel Schulze • Alex Tucker Photo Editors Courtney Kessler • Jane Thompson Graphics Editors Haley Henschel • Chrystel Paulson Multimedia Editor Grey Satterfield Science Editor Nia Sathiamoorthi Life & Style Editor Elana Charles Special Pages Editor Samy Moskol Social Media Manager Sam Garigliano Copy Chiefs Vince Huth • Maya Miller Kayla Schmidt • Rachel Wanat

Business and Advertising business@dailycardinal.com Business Manager Jacob Sattler Office Manager Emily Rosenbaum Advertising Managers Erin Aubrey • Dan Shanahan Account Executives Karli Bieniek • Lyndsay Bloomfield Tessa Coan • Zachary Hanlon Elissa Hersh • Will Huberty Ally Justinak • Paulina Kovalo Jordan Laeyendecker • Danny Mahlum Eric O’Neil • Ali Syverson Marketing Director Cooper Boland Design Manager Lauren Mather

The Daily Cardinal is a nonprofit organization run by its staff members and elected editors. It receives no funds from the university. Operating revenue is generated from advertising and subscription sales.

The Daily Cardinal is published weekdays and distributed at the University of WisconsinMadison and its surrounding community with a circulation of 10,000.

Capital Newspapers, Inc. is the Cardinal’s printer. The Daily Cardinal is printed on recycled paper. The Cardinal is a member of the Associated Collegiate Press and the Wisconsin Newspaper Association.

All copy, photographs and graphics appearing in The Daily Cardinal are the sole property of the Cardinal and may not be reproduced without written permission of the editor in chief.

The Daily Cardinal accepts advertising representing a wide range of views. This acceptance does not imply agreement with the views expressed. The Cardinal reserves the right to reject advertisements judged offensive based on imagery, wording or both.

Complaints: News and editorial complaints should be presented to the editor in chief.

Business and advertising complaints should be presented to the business manager.

Letters Policy: Letters must be word processed and must include contact information. No anonymous letters will be printed. All letters to the editor will be printed at the discretion of The Daily Cardinal. Letters may be sent to opinion@ dailycardinal.com.

Editorial Board Haleigh Amant • Abigail Becker Riley Beggin • Anna Duffin Mara Jezior • Cheyenne Langkamp Tyler Nickerson • Michael Penn Nikki Stout

Board of Directors Herman Baumann, President Abigail Becker • Mara Jezior Jennifer Sereno • Stephen DiTullio Erin Aubrey • Dan Shanahan Jacob Sattler • Janet Larson Don Miner • Chris Drosner Jason Stein • Nancy Sandy Tina Zavoral © 2013, The Daily Cardinal Media Corporation ISSN 0011-5398

For the record Corrections or clarifications?

Call The Daily Cardinal office at 608-262-8000 or send an email to edit@dailycardinal.

com.

dailycardinal.com

sex and the student body

Common scents: Avoiding a smelly snafu

edit@dailycardinal.com

tODAY: partly sunny

Alex tucker sex columnist Dear Alex, I’m worried my new fuck buddy thinks my goodie bits smell weird… How do I make sure I smell fresh down there?

Obsessed Desperately Over Reek Dear ODOR, You are not alone! All people question how their features are perceived by the people who see us at our most vulnerable (read: naked). In fact, it could be perceived as common courtesy to have a cleanly happy place while someone’s face is in our crotch. In fact, “How do I make my junk tasted better?” is one of the questions I get most frequently while facilitating Sex Out Loud programs.

Let’s start with the basics: Each individual has their own unique scent and taste, and that’s natural. Many products market to make o u r bodies smell and taste different, but those are totally unnecessary! Our bodies regulate and clean us all by themselves—showering every day or two is all we should need.

Basic truth number two: We are

what we eat. Even more true when we talk about bodily fluids. We all know the “asparagus pee” smell, right? That smell and others we acquire from food make a big difference when it comes to the taste and scent of everything from goodie bits.

However, there are certain methods to make semen and vaginal secretions smell and taste fresher. Keeping our bodies hydrated by eating fresh fruits—yes, including pineapple—and drinking a lot of water will help our bodily fluids from seeming as sour.

College students are not the best hydraters. Why? We tend to overendulge in coffee and beer (for obvious reasons), and those drinks dry us out, leaving stale liquids in the body.

And they doesn’t taste very nice, does they precious?!

If we aren’t happy with our partner’s or our natural scent or taste, we can use products like sex dams. Yay! Sex dams are simply flavored pieces of latex which we can drape over any part of the body and lick away without concern for passing along sexua l l y transgraphic by dylan mitted moriarty infections.

Another method is to simply suggest a group shower with our partner to provide optimum freshness.

Also, we’ll get to see their naked bodies covered in water. Yum! Soon, a product called Masque will hit shelves.

Masque is like, totally the coolest. It works like Listerine Breath Strips, although we cannot detect the taste it provides immediately. Only once our mouths come into contact with semen does the strip provide the flavor advertised (vanilla, mango, strawberry, etc.) HOW COOL IS THAT? Interestingly, a study, which tested peoples’ reactions to personal scents against their reactions to images of people they might find attractive, found that people said they were most attracted to the owner’s of the scents they ranked among their favorites. That is to say, scents

people were attracted to often matched the “look” of a person to whom they were attracted.

Neat-o, right?!

In conclusion, smells matter! Tastes matter. We want our partners to perceive us as delicious, so openly communicate about what works and what doesn’t. What foods make us smell best? Which drinks make us taste worse?

We should all aim to pay attention and work to please ourselves and our partners as much as possible. It will encourage everyone to increase their sense of lovin’... pun intended!

Any more suggestions for our friend ODOR? Email Alex so she can pass along the info at sex@dailycardinal.com.

An average man in a pumpkin spiced world jack finnegan guest columnist

T

here have been more than a few times in my life when I have been referred to as “metrosexual.”

It started in high school with my close friends who made fun of me for the music I liked. While they were listening to the Drakes and the Kanyes and the Weezys, I was listening to any white guy with an acoustic guitar who had just gone through a breakup.

I loved my friends, but I was different. I was never somebody who lifted weights for fun, punched a wall to show anger, refused to order a salad or be ashamed of my position as benchwarmer on my high school baseball team.

I’m the kind of guy who can be found in a room full of my girlfriend’s closest friends watching a well-written episode of “Grey’s Anatomy.” When she found me, my girlfriend did

make fun of me, but you know what? McDreamy can act pretty well and has a fine head of hair.

I may have even become lost in

Society can’t tempt me with pumpkin advertisements and then expect me not to indulge. his eyes for a scene or two.

I am comfortable saying all of this because I am one hundred percent comfortable in my masculinity. Despite all this, I am still very much aware of how the people around me react to my “metrosexual” tendencies.

For example, it’s autumn. Almost

everywhere you look something is advertised as pumpkin flavored. I love the taste of pumpkin, so I try to eat it all! However the way people look at the flavor confuses me.

If you’re a guy who likes pumpkin bread or a man who likes pumpkin pie, you can still be total bros. But if, even just once, you walk into Starbucks and order a pumpkin spiced latte and any of your friends are within a ten-mile radius they will call you out for it. Or at least, this is my experience.

It feels like the only acceptable way to purchase a pumpkin spiced latte is when wearing leggings and UGG boots—totes the perfect fall outfit but not something that really compliments my lighter skin complexion.

Because it is the moment, when the words “pumpkin spiced” leave a man’s mouth in a Starbucks, that the dynamic of the room changes.

Not a single girl in Starbucks sees you, in any way, as someone they

may want to have sex with at any point ever. The closest you are getting to them is into the friendzone.

On top of that, the construction worker in the corner watches you and questions the toughness of your ENTIRE generation as he sips on his black coffee all because the word “pumpkin” left your mouth.

But you know what? I’ll continue to order those delicious lattes.

Society can’t tempt me with pumpkin advertisements and then expect me not to indulge just like Pandora can’t play “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry while I’m on a treadmill and not expect me to dance and sing like a 14-year-old girl.

If people will judge they will judge, so be it. I am a comfortable man in a pumpkin spiced world, and despite what some may say, I’m proud of the way I handle that.

See you in Starbucks.

Want to meet Jack for a pumpkin spiced latte? Email him at 9jfinnegan@gmail.com.

news

Monday, October 28, 2013 3

l

dailycardinal.com

Paul Ryan to face Rob Zerban again Rob Zerban, former Kenosha County Board supervisor, announced his campaign against incumbent U.S. Rep. Paul Ryan, D-Wis., in a press release Saturday.

Zerban criticized Ryan’s voting to shut down the government and default on the nation’s debt in the release.

“It’s just totally unbelievable that the ZERBAN incumbent in this district continues to vote to risk the full faith and credit of the United States,” Zerban said in the release.

When the Democrat chal-

lenged Ryan in the last election, Ryan earned the lowest number of votes he ever received, according to the release The Republican Party of Wisconsin responded.

“It’s clear that Rob Zerban’s priorities are not with the voters of his district, but are rather with special interests and their failed attacks against a true reformer,” GOP Secretary Jesse Dougherty said.

Zerban pledged in the release to support job creation, renewable energy initiatives and public education funding, among other social issues.

The District 1 congressional election is scheduled for Nov. 4, 2014.

Walker continues to review Menominee casino proposal Gov. Scott Walker delayed his decision on the Menominee tribe’s off-reservation casino proposal Friday, according to a statement from his spokesperson Tom Evenson.

The Menominee tribe met the Oct. 22 deadline Walker set to submit the results of their efforts to get a tribal consensus on the project, according to the statement, but Walker is continuing to review the proposal.

Although the Menominee casino received approval from the U.S. Department of the Interior Aug. 23, Walker can weigh his veto power under legislation outlining the require-

ments to establish a casino outside reservation borders.

The tribe said the casino, which would be located in the Kenosha, Wis. area, would contribute to economic development and provide jobs.

Menominee Tribal Chairman Craig Corn said in a statement Friday the tribe respects Walker’s decision and wants all stakeholders to understand the casino’s importance to the Menominee tribe.

“We seek to help our members be lifted out of poverty and have the opportunity to build a better life for themselves,” Corn said in the statement.

vilas park

Cardinals soar to victory The Daily Cardinal beat the other student newspaper in a six-overtime game, winning the annual newspaper football game for the first time in four years. + Photo by jane Thompson

profile from page 1 Silo brand,” Dahl said he plans to pursue a career in computer engineering, and has a job lined up for when he graduates in December.

However, he said he hopes to continue eating competitively “for fun.”

In addition to the notoriety and “real-world marketing experience” Dahl said his branding efforts have earned him, his training and travel schedules have refined his time-management skills.

freakfest from page 1

COURTESY OF WWW.ELLENTV.COM

Talk show host Ellen DeGeneres will be video chatting with talent show contestants on State Street Monday.

‘The Ellen Show’ to film talent contest on State Street Monday Ellen DeGeneres is calling on her Madison fans to showcase their talent from State Street on her daily talk show Monday.

The talk show host, comedian, social equality advocate and actor will film a portion of her program, The Ellen DeGeneres Show, on the 600 block of State Street Monday afternoon, although the star will remain at her Los Angeles studio.

According to Ald. Mike Verveer, District 4, DeGeneres will film participants in a freestyle talent contest between 6

and 7 p.m. and broadcast the competition during her show, while interacting with contestants through a satellite.

DeGeneres’ virtual trip to Madison comes after she recently filmed similar segments in Boston, Mass. and Chicago, Ill. DeGeneres begins the segment by tweeting the details of the competition and a prize, which was tickets to a Red Sox World Series game in Boston.

Metro Transit buses will be rerouted from 12 p.m. to 8 p.m. to accommodate filming.

ence.”

Other bands that performed on the WSUM stage included Gabe Burdulis, Boy Blue, The Sharrows and Vic and Gab. “This is the first time that WSUM has hosted a stage at Freakfest, and I’m really proud of how it turned out,” Brannan said, “I think we had a great line up, everything went really smoothly, we had a great crowd. It was a good night.”

Brannan said she is not sure if WSUM will be involved in next year’s programming but hopes the station will expand on its success this year.

The biggest crowd attraction was headlining act Matt and Kim, who played at the Capitol Stage. Popular singles “Daylight” and “Lessons Learned” kept the energy level high during the show, peaking with Kim climbing off the stage and walking on top of the crowd.

The Living Statues front man Tommy Shears said he was happy to come to Madison “just to play some good old rock ’n’ roll.”

Man arrested for fighting on sidewalk outside Whiskey Jack’s on State Street Police were called to disperse a fight that erupted outside Whiskey Jack’s Saloon early Thursday morning when a 27-year-old male suspect allegedly punched another man “for no reason,” Madison Police Department officer Howard Payne said in a report.

Police took Mitchell McGann into custody at approximately 1:50 a.m. on charges of battery and disorderly conduct.

According to the report, McGann told police the 22-year-old victim instigated the violence when he made “inappropriate” contact with McGann’s girlfriend.

McGann proceeded to punch the victim twice in the eye on the sidewalk outside Whiskey Jack’s Saloon, located at 552 State St., before fleeing to a nearby restaurant, Payne said in the release. Police picked McGann up shortly after.

Police arrest Janesville man for perpetuating hate crime downtown Police arrested a Janesville man early Saturday morning after the suspect allegedly punched two men on the 200 block of North Henry Street for speaking Hebrew, according to a police report.

Dylan Grall, 23, was arrested on battery and hate crime charges for confronting two men he told police he believed were speaking Spanish, Madison Police Department spokesperson Joel DeSpain said in the report. The victims

were speaking Hebrew.

The incident occurred at approximately 2:19 a.m., when Grall cursed at the men and demanded they speak English, according to DeSpain. When the victims refused, Grall hit both men in the face, sending one to the ground and giving the other a black eye.

DeSpain said Grall denied hitting the men but admitted yelling at them to speak in English. A witness confirmed Grall did attack the two victims.

Police arrest woman for stealing groceries from Langdon Street home Madison Police arrested a woman for burglarizing a Langdon Street home early Saturday morning and stealing several unusual items, Madison Police Department spokesperson Joel DeSpain said in a report.

According to the report, police took 23-year-old Ifrah Mohamed into custody at approximately 2:18 a.m. after the suspect reportedly broke into a home on the 600 Block of Langdon Street and stole “a wallet, a package of turkey breast slices, some dried fruit, a bottle of wine and a bottle

of perfume.”

“She was a burglar with an eye for items not typically targeted in campus-area break-ins,” DeSpain said in the report.

The report said Mohamed may have also stolen several items of the tenants’ clothing.

While investigating the scene, an officer noticed Mohamed likely entered the residence through an external “security door” that had not been properly secured, according to the report.

Police formally charged Mohamed with burglary.

news l

4

Monday, October 28, 2013

dailycardinal.com

Looking back on Freakfest

More than 35,000 PEOPLE ATTENDED the seventh annual Halloween bash

Check out more pictures and videos at dailycardinal.com

Chiddy bang, matt and kim treat audiences

UW-Madison junior, Hip hop artist crashprez performs

Top Left: Jane Thompson, Middle Left: Courtney Kessler, Lower Left: Jane Thompson, Middle: Courtney Kessler, Top Right: Amy Gruntner, Middle Right: Amy Gruntner, Lower Right: Courtney Kessler

arts

Monday, October 28, 2013 5

l

dailycardinal.com

Linger on, Lou Reed: Remembering a legend Sean Reichard quip quo pro

I

Graphic by Cameron Graff

t was not the news I was expecting to wake up to Sunday morning: Lou Reed dies at 71.

I felt at one remove from the whole situation—I couldn’t help it, I was at one remove—even though Reed affected, in essence, a sort of omnipresence in my cultural/musical tastes.

When, in middle school, I received my first iPod, I had very few CDs of my own to actually put on it—a The Who compilation, lots of Christmas music. My recourse was to go down to the basement and dig around in my parents’ collection, which constituted a huge plastic bin in the basement. I was given no instructions. It was open season.

And so I found The Velvet Underground. Specifically: Loaded, The Velvet Underground, VU and a compilation. I ended up buying The Velvet Underground and Nico and White Light/White Heat myself, to round out the collection.

I fell in love with “Sweet Jane,” “Beginning to See The Light” and “I’m Waiting For The Man.” I would listen to them, and their respective albums, over and over when I was doing homework or waiting for my parents to pick me up.

By high school, I had a wellestablished liking of The Velvet Underground, and Lou Reed’s solo work, but my curiosity toward new/unknown music was nigh unbearable. So, with Lou Reed as my compass, I encompassed anyone who so much as

breathed his name: David Bowie, Iggy Pop, The Strokes, Brian Eno, Patti Smith…

Even where the association seemed tenuous or nascent, I still delved. Punk rock, alternative, glam, art rock.

This eulogy is something born out of reflection. If prompted honestly, before Reed’s death, I would have acknowledged that my love of Lou Reed was naught but a bourn alongside other streams. Now, though, after his death, I know that bourn bears with it water from one of the largest headwaters in my recollection, water which itself flows in those other streams. Reed’s music fed so much around it that I’m surprised it has lasted.

What was his music? With The Velvet Underground, it was a kind of drone and chug, a whining gallop into tenebrous situations, moods—effectively contrasted with a bleak, tender, minor-key richesse of feeling.

Hard drugs, urban decay and clinical insanity mingled with garlands of love and echoes of bon vivant sensibilities.

Reed’s solo music, on the other hand, pushed far beyond the stringencies of his work with The Velvet Underground. 1972’s Transformer was so loose, wan and autumnal—full of camp and sinuosities like “Goodnight Ladies,” “Vicious” and “Perfect Day.” He could be sweet, like on Coney Island Baby. He could be bombastic, like on Berlin. He could rock, like on New York or New Sensations. He could ponder, as he did on The Raven, his tribute to Edgar Allan Poe. He could be unintelligible, like he was on Metal Machine Music. He could break your heart.

More often than not, though,

Lou Reed was a mix of all that.

His music was chiaroscuro—light and shadow, defined by their interplay. None of his albums were “just” happy or “just” sad or “just” bombastic. 1982’s The Blue Mask, for instance, thundered and howled just as much as it cooed and sibilated. Transformer’s tracklist rubbed shoulders with songs as divergent as “New York Conversation,” “Walk on the Wild Side” and “Satellite of Love,” however adjunctively each was to the other.

Yet, Lou Reed’s importance lies just as much in his attitude as in his music. He was cool. He was wry and sardonic. He had a face for shades. He resisted any ornamentation he did not recognize as organic, i.e. stemming from himself.

Lou Reed was both a life source and a lineage. His music, his posture, his attitude wormed their way into countless artists.

Both his solo work and his work with The Velvet Underground signified a dehiscence of traits and sounds that found their way to all sorts of terra, incognita or otherwise.

Every sprout bore his signature. To them, Lou Reed was uncle, grandfather, godfather, scribe, scoundrel and tormentor.

To his fans, proxy or otherwise, he was the same.

If this eulogy can be condensed to brevity (as I think it can) then it would be condensed to a sentiment my friend Colin Groundwater shared on Facebook, when he heard the news: “Linger on.” Not “burn out.” Not “fade away.” Just, “linger on.”

Linger on, Lou. Want to pour one out with Sean via email? Contact him at sreichard@wisc.edu.

THE RECORD ROUTINE

Cage’s ‘Kill the Architect’ fails to be ‘killer’

Kill the Architect Cage

By Michael Frett the daily cardinal

Chris Palko—stage name Cage— must appeal to someone out there.

Over the course of streaming his new album Kill the Architect and looking into his previous albums, I saw plenty of fans that were hyped over the rapper’s work, praising it

THE PLAYLIST In memoriam of Lou Reed, here’s a selection of tracks from his discography to get those tears flowing.

at every turn. Unfortunately, I’m definitely not a member of this audience—the shock-rap of Kill the Architect was a terribly boring (and sometimes confusing) experience for this listener.

Not to say the album was devoid of songs that caught my attention. In fact, I rather enjoyed “You Were the Shit (In High School).” A burning stab at those hoodie-wearing conformists (that also do coke, apparently), Cage and producer Mr. Bomb Camp make an interesting juxtaposition of dark rapping set against a simple beat and piano line. Lyrics about how Cage didn’t fit in and how he coped as others who put

1

The Velvet Underground— “Sunday Morning” A sleepy introduction to Reed’s first album, the song is a perfect primer for his oeuvre.

2

him down destroyed themselves sound like the only honest words on the album that aren’t buried in over-the-top attempts to shock the listener with violence and abuse.

“Watch Me” and “This Place” also echo this honesty with themes of self-destruction and alienation.

The album as a whole is a bogged-down experience, though.

Much of the angst and honesty of Cage’s lyrics are wasted on dull-sounding music and evenduller (and sometimes excessive) attempts to shock the listener. And that’s a shame, because honesty is the only thing Cage really has going for him lyrically—at times, he can give the listener a remark-

Lou Reed— “Walk on the Wild Side”

“Walk” is Reed’s biggest hit and also maybe the crowning achievment of a wild solo career.

3

able look into his beaten and torn mind. But, he’s no wordsmith, and the listener will often find themselves more focused on the fact that he used abortion as a metaphor rather than the heart-break it metaphorically represents.

I can’t say I truly enjoyed Kill the Architect, or that Cage will earn any new fans with it—but a few tracks at least made the listen interesting. And for those fans that clearly enjoy the New York rapper’s shock-and-awe rapping with not-so-shock-and-awe music, it’ll definitely live up to the hype his fans have given it.

The Velvet Underground— “Sister Ray”

For best results, listen to one of the 30-minute-plus live cuts from ’60s bootlegs. Perfection.

Check online at DAILYCARDINAL.COM for PHOTOS from

FREAKFEST 2013

Rating: C-

4

The Velvet Underground— “Pale Blue Eyes”

After John Cale’s departure, the Velvets got less weird, but Reed learned how to write classic pop.

5

Lou Reed— “Metal Machine Music”

Much misunderstood, “MMM” strips away all emotion and leaves nothing but cold experimentation.

comics

Go home, Venus, you’re drunk. Venus is the only planet in our solar system where the sun rises in the west and sets in the east.

6 • Monday, October 28, 2013

Babushka

Today’s Sudoku

3

© Puzzles by Pappocom

8 6

6 7 9 1 5 2 4 7 8

9 7

9

9

3

5 3

You Look Tired Today

2 5 6 1 3 4

2 6

8 2 7 6

Caved In

8

Solution, tips and computer program available at www.sudoku.com.

8 6 1 3 9

3 7 1 4 3 9 2 6 8

2

8 1 4 5 3 2 6 8 5 9 1 7 4 3

EASY

3

# 62

By Caitlin Kirihara graphics@dailycardinal.com

1

9 6 8 3 7 Crustaches Classic

# 63

1 2

4 5 3 9 2 4 7 7 2 1 5 9 8 3 8 6 2 3 7 8By Nick Kryshak nkryshak@wisc.edu 1 4 9 8 EASY

Evil Bird Classic

Today’s Crossword Puzzle

By Haley Henschel henschel@wisc.edu

4

EASY Fill in the grid so that every row, every column and# 61 every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 through 9.

9

dailycardinal.com

6 2

6

4 2 9 2 1

8

5

3

9

4

By Patrick Remington

3

7

EASY

3 4 1 2 1 7 9 6 9 5

# 64

Answer key available at www.dailycardinal.com

Captain of the twerk team

4 8 6 9 3 2 7 5 1

3 2 7 1 5 4 8 6 9

ACROSS 1 Meet defeat 5 Grains used in distilling 1 0 Tries for a title 14 “Layla” singer Clapton 1 5 Cornhusker State hub 1 6 More than just 9 suspicious 8 7 5 of6 2 175 College 6 1 studies, 3 7 9 collectively 2 9dull4speakers 3 5 21 0 Many 2 1 Wager 7 3 5 8 22 Pub option 4 6 26 3 Common 4 2 7 8 1 conjunction 28 4 Damascus 1 6 9native 5 3 2 7 Require 5 3 1 9 4 22 9 Gushes 34 2 “Four 9 8score 2 and 1 7 seven years ___ ...”

33 3 Dos Passos trilogy 7 4 6 2 8 3 6 Breathes life into 3 8 Trying to impress people, in a way 41 Informal talk 42 Nightmarish street, in film 43 Sphere, to Shelley 4 4 Priestess in Bizet’s “The Pearl Fishers” 46 Stable staples 5 0 Participates in the

w.sudoku.com

Tour de France 2 Old PC monitor 5 5 5 Solemn promise 5 6 Cinnabar, for one 57 Two-person conversation 6 0 Baja peninsula 63 Actress Faris 6 4 Lionhearted 6 5 Em, to Dorothy 6 6 Confused condition 67 Less loony 6 8 Wooden legs

# 62 1 5 DOWN 4 1 “Brothers” who 9 8 failed on Wall 6 Street 2 2 Baltimore blackbird 1 Contract accepter 7 9 3 4 It may bounce off 7 the wall 4 5 Definitely no 6 Einstein 3 Makes right 3 6 8 7 Stow, as cargo

8

Therefore 5 2 9 1 0 1 1 1 2

Pouchlike part Campaign target Begin Eisenhower’s command, for short 1 3 “___ of the Pink Panther” 1 8 Logan Airport abbr.

19 Utterly terrible 24 Sows and boars 2 5 Eras

26 Thumbs-down votes 28 Some folk acts 3 0 Discussion group 3 1 Celebrated twin 3 4 Bee contestant 3 5 ___-ski 37 Mortar rounds 3 8 Venture 3 9 Steam bath followers, sometimes 4 0 Namath’s Super 2 Bowl 4 6 8 3 7 48 1 Police 3 5officer 1 7 6 45 Like some 7 medicinal 1 2 9 4 5 ingredients 9 3 or 2 8 4 45 7 Madison Pennsylvania 6 2 1 4 5 9 4 8 Hauling around, as 3 a 8large 7 shopping 6 9 2 bag 7 8 wear 5 6 1 49 9 Casual 5 1 Regions 1 6 4 7 2 3 53 Direct (to) 54 4 Chinese “way” 5 9 3 1 8 57 Butler’s home, for a time 5 8 Flair 59 Pebble Beach hazard 6 0 On the ___ (fleeing) 6 1 First digit a toddler is taught, often 62 Its logo features an eye

Sid and Phil Classic

# 63 1 9 5 6 9 4 8 7 1 2 4 3 4 8 6 1 2 7 8 3 7 1 2 5 3 9 8 7 6 4 5 3 1 7 6 2 3 8 9 2 7 3 5 8 6 5 1 6 8 1 9 2 4 5 4 Washington 2 1 7Bear 4 2 Classic 6 3 9 and the 9 5 2 3 5 8 9 1 4 6 7 8 9 6 7 4 5 3

Page 16 of 25

By Alex Lewein

3 5 4 9 1 7 8 6 2

2 9 6 8 4 3 5 7 1

# 64

7 3 2 1 4 6 9 5 8 9 6 1 8 7 5 2 3 4 5 8 4 3 2 9 7 1 6 3 7 8 6 9 4 5 2 1 1 5 9 7 8 2 6 4 3 4 2 6 5 1 3 8 7 9 8By 9 Derek 5 2 3Sandberg 1 4 6 7 2 1 7 4 6 8 3 9 5 6 4 3 9 5 7 1 8 2

24 Jul 05

dailycardinal.com

Monday, October 28, 2013

view Cardinal View editorials represent The Daily Cardinal’s organizational opinion. Each editorial is crafted independent of news coverage.

police serving to protect campus, not punish

L

a st we e k, The Daily Cardinal Editorial Board sat down with District 8 Ald. Scott Resnick to discuss current happenings in the downtown Madison area.

Among other city issues to be further discussed in future editorials, this Board came to the conclusion that additional allocations for policing downtown is something every student

should not just want but expect.

Upon drafting Madison’s 2014 budget, the Madison Police Department requested an additional $100,000 in funding for additional staffing to increase police presence downtown during peak hours, namely weekend nights and gamedays.

As students, many of our natural reactions are to be skeptical of an increased police presence downtown. It would only make sense for us to conclude that more police equal more bar raids and house party crashes, which oftentimes does not bode well for students.

The police officers provided through this additional funding, however, would not be part of the “community action” team, meaning they would not be concerned with busting underage drinkers, crash-

ing house parties and conducting bar raids. Their additional presence in the downtown area would be for preventative measures to discourage more serious criminals from acting.

We need to realize that the police are on our side. As bitter about getting underage drinking tickets as some of us might be, keeping our campus free of more serious violent crimes is the police department’s number one priority. We need to recognize this and advocate for them to receive the resources they need to continue to do that to the best of their ability.

Understanding this, we need to do the best we can to help them help us. According to Resnick, many perpetrators of serious crimes in the downtown area can be caught if someone is able to describe them. Often,

l

opinion

7

however, when a drunk student sees a potential incident they opt to not report it out of fear of putting themselves in a situation where they could be penalized for something such as underage drinking.

If you see something that seems off, make sure to report it— even if you have been drinking.

Police seeking out serious criminals are not interested in spending their time giving out tickets for drinking, especially to someone who is trying to help them. Any help you can offer could be the tip that keeps yourself or someone you know out of harm’s way.

We all need to do our part to keep our community safe.

We can start by recognizing that students, city officials and police are all on the same page.

Please send all feedback to opinion@dailycardinal.com.

Middle school shooting demands reformation in gun control Charles Adams opinion columnist

I

f someone were to ask you what happened in Nevada this past Monday, how would you respond? Would you know to what they are referring?

Maybe you would have guessed a casino heist or something extravagant. You probably had no idea that anything of importance happened in Nevada. But lo and behold, something very important and concerning happened this past Monday in Nevada, and I am willing to bet a majority of people had no idea occurred. The event I’ve been referring to is the Sparks Middle School shooting. In the shooting, a 12-year-old gunman wounded two of his classmates and killed a teacher before turning the gun on himself and committing suicide.

According to law enforcement, the boy had taken the handgun used in the shooting from his parents. You may be asking yourself how did you not hear about this event. The answer is: This shooting received very minimal media coverage and was not a major focus for news outlets. In fact, during the 5 p.m. news on Monday, it took almost 20 minutes before there was a mention of the shooting, and even then it

was an extremely brief story.

So why did the story receive such minimal coverage in the media? The sad reality is that mass shootings have become so common the American public is desensitized to them. President Barack Obama has said he senses “a creeping resignation” that mass shootings like the one in Nevada are “somehow the new normal.” Since January there have been 16 shootings at schools throughout the United States. If that statistic is shocking, here is an even more shocking one: On average, in the United States, there is a school shooting every eleven school days. Let that number sink in. Eleven days. That’s barely two school weeks. This number is absolutely astonishing.

School shootings are not the only type of shootings on the rise.

Throughout the U.S., the number of mass shootings has increased.

This cannot continue, and we, as Americans, must do something about it. The answer is stricter gun regulations and increased control. Now some might say that gun control activists are overreacting to tragedies and not thinking clearly. I disagree entirely. If the changes are not made now, when the amount of mass shootings is at a historic high, when will they be made? Americans cannot afford to keep pushing this off to the side.

Innocent Americans are being

gunned down, and we must not wait for another shooting to occur before making a change. Now is the time for gun control.

Change will not come from the legislators. It will come from citizens of the United States saying they have seen far too many mass shootings, and demanding change.

The most important, and to me, the most logical component to gun control is universal background checks. Instituting these background checks would prevent unqualified persons from obtaining firearms in the first place. They would prevent felons and other unqualified buyers from slipping the cracks.

Currently, there is a great disparity among states’ gun regulations.

For example, while California has strict laws that require extensive background checks and waiting periods to verify potential buyer’s information, Oklahoma has no waiting period and citizens can buy a gun the same day. These universal background checks would eliminate confusion over states and their laws, and ensure consistency on a nationwide level.

Critics say it infringes on their privacy and Second Amendment right to bear arms. This is not the truth. Sure it may take a few more steps to complete the process, but in the end, it will only prevent ineligible people from buying guns. It won’t prevent qualified buyers from buying guns. They will still be able to purchase their firearms; it just might take a little longer. To me this seems like a logical trade-off. Taking a little extra precaution to make sure everything clears is worth preventing illegal ownership of guns and saving civilian lives.

The other component I believe is essential is the reinstatement of the assault weapon ban. The Federal Assault Weapons Ban was instituted in 1994 and it was effective until 2004, when it expired.

Although the criteria of what constitutes an assault weapon is somewhat complicated, it primarily banned semi-automatic firearms and those with similar qualities. By reinstating the assault weapons ban, the effects would be immediate. These banned weapons are, oftentimes, the weapons used in mass shootings. For example, an AR-15, which was used in the Aurora, Colorado movie theater shooting where 12 were killed and 70 were injured, was illegal under this ban. Some of these formerly banned weapons

are basically death machines.

An AR-15 bullet may go through two people. It seems only logical for these types of weapons to be illegal. Reinstating the ban, obviously, would make these weapons practically unavailable. Some might say criminals will find a way to obtain these guns regardless. And while this may be true, it does not decrease the value of limiting the avenues by which they can be obtained.

While any measures on gun control are unlikely to be passed in Washington, D.C. at this current time, it is critical that Americans step up to the plate and do something. Change will not come from the legislators. It will come from citizens of the United States saying they have seen far too many mass shootings and demanding change. President Obama has urged Americans to take a stand and has said, “Change will come the only way it ever has come, and that’s from the American people.”

Now I’m not demanding all guns be illegal and everyone turn over their weapons. The right to bear arms will forever be protected by the Second Amendment. I am simply saying it is time for discussion. It is time for a common sense balance between gun rights and gun control.

Please send all feedback to opinion@dailycardinal.com.

Halloween debauchery reflects poorly on our generation, highlights our lack of foresight Spencer Lindsay opinion columnist

H

alloween in Madison is a strange tradition. This weekend the city was hammered, the freaks were out, college debauchery was at a year-high and we, as a collective group, were at our worst. While Halloween is a special event here in Madison, it brings out our dark side. As we let ourselves loose, social order breaks down. This weekend I saw the city and the campus that I love become a mob with basically no rules. My feelings about this are a complicated. On one hand this breakdown of social order can be a recipe for a good time. On the other hand it can be a recipe for disaster.

I had a great time this weekend, but I’m sure there are others who are not so lucky, whose lives have

been dramatically altered by horrible events that were only allowed to happen because of this mob mentality. Ultimately the problem is within ourselves, and we should refine these animalistic practices.

The cops had no control over the situation. On Friday night every major party on Mifflin Street was busted. I have an underage friend who went to these parties and said when the cops came, the hosts merely told all the underagers to leave and that they often just moved on to another party that was just as crowded and just as hectic. Freak Fest was dangerously crowded. The area closest to the main stage was a violent mosh-pit with people constantly being pushed around. For some there was no way to escape it, as there were way too many people to get out quickly. If, God forbid, there was a medical emergency or a need to evacuate, the event could

have quickly turned tragic.

Almost all of my friends drank excessively this weekend. Some experimented with hard drugs.

Through these practices, they left themselves vulnerable to some extreme consequences. While for most it turned out alright, they put themselves at risk to partake in the Badger tradition of Halloween.

One person I spoke with felt that putting on masks is an opportunity to disassociate from one’s identity.

This allows us to act crazier than we normally would.

Yet there is a tension between preserving the tradition, unity and the fun and making things safe for those who choose to participate.

We as a generation have a general apathy toward the people sitting next to us. We are negligent toward our own safety and how the consequences of our actions affect others.

Here in Madison, Halloween is the

manifestation of this apathy and negligence. We feel unrestricted by the rules and constraints that we are typically bound by. We act without forecasting the consequences of our actions. This process can be a fun experience, but it can also be dangerous and scary. Surely there must be way to preserve this fun tradition while maintaining respect for each other.

The problem is within ourselves.

We don’t care about the fallout of our debauchery. We simply try to have a good time.

I spoke with a rape victim this weekend, and it caused me to think about all of the shady sexual activity going on over the weekend. She felt violated in an unspeakable way.

She also found little understanding from her friends. One person even blamed her for “destroying the life” of the perpetrator. To me, this typifies the apathy within our genera-

tion that allows us to become a mob when given the chance. We don’t have respect for one another, we merely act in our best interest. We don’t make an effort to see things from other people’s perspective, and this allows us to make their lives harder without any intention to do so.

Efforts to refine Halloween will not have any effect on this mob mentality until we fix the problem within ourselves. We must become more conscious of the consequences of our actions, and we must gain respect for other people. Otherwise holidays such as Halloween and events such as Mifflin will continue to look like a war zone of partying. We should make an effort to understand what we are doing and how it affects other people before we release the rules that bind us.

Please send all feedback to opinion@dailycardinal.com.

Sports

Monday October 28, 2013 DailyCardinal.com

Men’s Soccer

UW wins StreakFest against Spartans

By Jason Braverman the daily cardinal

Extending the nation’s longest home unbeaten streak, the University of Wisconsin men’s soccer team (2-2-0 Big Ten, 10-32 overall) defeated the No. 17 Michigan State Spartans (1-2-1, 8-3-3) 1-0 Sunday afternoon.

The win pushes the Badgers to 7-0-0 this year at the McClimon Soccer Complex, and makes it 11 consecutive at home without a loss, dating back to last season.

Redshirt senior midfielder Tomislav Zadro, who was initially credited for the lone goal of the day before it was deemed an own goal off a Spartan defender, could not come up with a single explanation for the Badgers’ strong home play, but believed playing in Madison makes a difference.

“When you travel it’s a lot harder, we just feel comfortable here,” Zadro said.

The goal that proved to be the difference came for the Badgers in the 27th minute, after senior defender Paul Yonga came into

Wil Gibb/cardinal file photo

Redshirt senior midfielder Tomislav Zadro helped the Badgers keep their undefeated home record.

Michigan State’s defensive box, and sent it on net. The ball hit a Spartan defender in the crowded box, and got past the keeper for an own goal.

“I just stayed clicked in, and won the ball a little outside the 18 [yard box], and I was going to shoot it right away but then I saw the defender overcommit, so I just touched it by him and picked my head up didn’t see really anyone in there so I just crossed it across the

Volleyball

box and it hit their defender and went in,” Yonga said.

Defensively, this marked the fourth shutout this year for the Badgers, and the first for senior goalkeeper Max Jentsch, making just his second start of the season.

In addition to the clean sheet, the Badgers held the Spartans without a corner kick attempt, and just one shot on goal.

“We’ve not been able to play

better teams yet this year and shut them down, they are a team that knows how to score goals, and we shut them down,” head coach John Trask said. “I was very pleased with the defensive performance and the couple balls that Max needed to deal with in the box he came, he came strongly, and so great for him to get a shutout.”

The Badgers had some opportunities to tack on an insurance goal,

but could not convert on any of their three corner kicks, and had a couple of point blank shots knocked away by the Spartan keeper.

“I thought we were always dangerous going forward; it looked like at any moment we could get another goal,” Trask said. “I thought we were the more dangerous team, but it was a bit of a choppy performance.”

The win moves Wisconsin above Michigan State and into third place in the Big Ten standings at 2-2-0.

“It was a big win, we needed this win,” Zadro said. “We battled hard.”

With just three games left in the regular season before the Big Ten Tournament, this win may have had bigger postseason implications for the Badgers.

“This is huge for us going forward trying to make the NCAA tournament,” Yonga said.

The Badgers play their final non-conference game of the regular season, as they return to action Wednesday, Oct. 30 to take on Eastern Illinois at home at 7 p.m.

Ass Waxing

Illini overpower UW

By Andrew Tucker The Daily Cardinal

As the fans filed into the UW Fieldhouse Sunday for the No. 16 Badgers’ (6-4 Big Ten, 17-5 overall) matchup with the Illinois Fighting Illini (5-5, 9-11), there was considerably more orange than red. On a weekend where Halloween took centerstage, this difference in fan support seemed to be a bad omen, as the Illini knocked out the Badgers 3-1.

“It’s disappointing to see more students for the opposing team than for our own. You don’t expect more people to be willing to drive than just get out of bed and walk across campus,” head coach Kelly Sheffield said. “We could’ve used that support today, I don’t know what [the students] are waiting for.”

The Badgers started the first set slow, then started to fight back, but lost 25-22. Four service errors were the difference for UW. “As a team, we beat ourselves.

I don’t think it was so much that Illinois had anything spectacular,” junior hitter Deme Morales said.

The second set had 15 ties and nine lead changes as the Illini won 28-26. The Badgers had an abysmal hitting percentage of .174 for the set, .45 points lower than their season average of .221.

The Badgers came out firing on all cylinders in the third set, taking a wire-to-wire victory 25-10.

Wisconsin looked as good in this set as they have in any, with both consistency and flashy plays.

“There was no Knute Rockne speech, it was our players getting a better feel for the opponent’s tempo,” Sheffield said.

The Illini run an offense that utilizes high “moon shots” that are slow moving, but get above the hands of blockers, forcing back row players to quickly

react. A slow offensive tempo such as this can be difficult to get used to after games against high tempo teams like Michigan State and Minnesota.

“Coming out in game three, we executed, but in game four, we went back to our old ways,” freshman setter Lauren Carlini said.

The fourth set was much like the first, with the Badgers coming up just short, losing the set 25-22. Again, untimely errors ended any hopes the Badgers had of keeping momentum.

Some may attribute this loss to fatigue from a tough schedule, but the team was quick to shoot down those rumors.

“I think we’re a good, mentally tough team, and we’ve had enough days off with some lighter practices, so fatigue wasn’t a problem at all,” Carlini said.

While Illinois’ offensive workhorse sophomore Jocelynn Birks was kept in check with a .048 hitting percentage, junior Liz McMahon stepped up with 20 kills and a .375, .132 points higher than her career average.

A bright spot for the Badgers was their perfect serve receive game (80 received and no errors).

However, 21 hitting errors and nine serving errors sunk the team.

With the first half of the conference season wrapped up, the team is looking forward to continue their generally solid play.

“I’m looking forward to the second half of the conference [season]. The challenge going forward is that our next nine opponents are people we’ve already played, so there’s a lot more adjustments,” Sheffield said.

Wisconsin has a two-game road trip next weekend with a game Friday against the Indiana Hoosiers, and Saturday against the extremely hot No. 21 Purdue Boilermakers.

courtney kessler/the daily cardinal

The Daily Cardinal spilled more blood than Katherine Krueger spilled beer during the chug-off.

After six pity OTs, Cardinal decides to win

By Jizaar Moer the daily cardinal

After a three-year “drinking” streak, the Majestic Bird flies again.

The Daily Cardinal beat its fulsome foes in flag football on the battlefields of Vilas Park Saturday. And for the first time in three years, it was a day of ULTIMATE GLORY. “This is the happiest day of my entire life,” head coach Grey Satterfield said as a cascade of tears streamed down his face, demonstrating to the world how to make ugly crying look beautiful.

Despite a slow start for the Cardinal in the first half, the team went up 35-21 late in the game only to watch their lead evaporate via two quick Herald scores in the weaning seconds of regulation, tying the score and catapulting the game into six overtimes.

Officials are still debating the final score of the game, which was probably 49-42… or maybe 5-2, like every other week.

“We could’ve ended it earlier,” defensive lineman Cameron “Killer” Kalmon said while chewing on what one could only guess was a Heralder’s leg. “But we weren’t finished with our beer yet.”

Kalmon left early in second half because officials wanted to limit fatalities.

“I sacked the quarterback!”

sex columnist Alex Tucker said after bringing down Heralder Sean Zak in the fourth overtime.

Tucker was later informed this was not a sexual reference.

Claire Satterfield got another sack late into the overtime periods, and in an elaborate prance, or what some would call a frantic jump, she shouted, “I woke up in a new Bugatti!!!” The Cardinal gods were listening, and the next morning, she actually woke up in a new Bugatti.

The Cardinal’s ruthless defense kept the game going, including an interception by safety and amateur twerker Vince Huth. Anonymous sources reported that Huth was spotted shaking his moneymaker on the Capitol Stage later that night.

Assistant coach Sir Jonah Beleckis kept things frisky on the sidelines, offering the Herald camp a worthy distraction with his buns of steel, which were only scantily covered by his lucky Flash undies.

Offensively, we lost count of sports editor and MVP Brett Bachman’s rushing, receiving and passing touchdowns, but it was a quick pass to photographer Wil “one L” Gibb in the game’s sixth overtime that secured the Cardinal win.

“I mean, if you can think of other ways to score touchdowns, let me know,” Bachman said dur-

ing the sixth overtime.

After storming the field in victory, the Cardinal staff went on to absorb the Herald’s keg in its all-encompassing, thirsty wake.

Along the sideline, former Badger Herald editor Polo Rocha lamented his allegiance and was often spotted cheering for the opposing team, unable to deny how fucking awesome they are.

“Of course I have to support the Herald squad on the surface, but that doesn’t mean I’m not wearing my ‘Daily Cardinal or die’ bro-tank under this Herald shirt,” Rocha said.

Although she “lost” the chug off, Daily Cardinal Editor-inChief Abby Becker stayed poised, not letting a single drop of beer hit the ground, unlike her competitor, who dumped her entire cup of beer on herself while trying to get it down her throat.

“I am not sure what happened there,” Becker said about Herald EIC Katherine Krueger. “But I am guessing she thought that counted as her shower for the week.”

After missing the game to go on a scouting trip for the Seattle Seahawks, Cardinal editor Jack Casey looked ahead to the future.

“Be prepared for the same asskicking at the spring softball game, motherfuckers,” he said.