Wednesday, April 1, 2009 - The Daily Cardinal by The Daily Cardinal

LS! O O IL F APR Guy occupying weight bench at SERF ‘Not leaving anytime soon’ STUDENT LIFE

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University of Wisconsin-Madison

“If you say FML one more time I’ll shatter your tibia” OPINION l PAGE 7C

SHARAPOVA ACCEPTS TAYLOR’S HAND Ex-player once thought insane is vindicated by tennis star’s agreement to wed SPORTS

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Wednesday, April 1, 2009

BUDGET WOES: Cuts to claim ‘living’ dean of students position

‘Don’t make me pull this bus over young man’

Berquam to be replaced by Liaison OutReach Instigator humanoid

MIKE LECKRONE band dictator

Citing the need for real, sustained solutions to UW-Madison’s budget woes, university officials announced Tuesday that, effective at semester’s end, Dean of Students Lori Berquam will be replaced by a state-of-the-art, forum-hosting automaton. The Liaison OutReach Instigator (L.O.R.I.) has more than 50 points of articulation, realistic silicone skin and the ability to manipulate and encourage the most reluctant of forum participants. She has a vocabulary of more than 100,000 pre-programmed phrases—all of which are composed by using simple verbs and prepositions to link various synonyms encouraging faculty-student collaboration. “ T h a n k — yo u — f o r — a t t e n d i n g — this—gathering,” L.O.R.I. said to a student focus group at a pilot forum last month. “I look forward to receiving your input and giving feedback for discussion of cooperative brainstorming to spread awareness and team up for collaborative support assistance teamwork forum.” The university recognized the loss of human agency as a significant setback to the Offices of the Dean of Students, but The state budget and continuing economic difﬁculties have forced the university to replace argued that what L.O.R.I. lacks in inde- Dean of Students Lori Berquam with the less-sensitive, automaton model L.O.R.I. pendent thought and emotion, she more than makes up for in reach. With her L.O.R.I. also boasts an 80 GB MP3 hard L.O.R.I. are remarkable,” Vice Chancellor wireless capabilities, the dean-in-waiting drive, a 12-inch DVD/Blu-ray display and a for Administration Darrell Bazzell said. has already joined and can instantaneously built-in Breathalyzer so she can monitor the “She even has a database of hundreds of operate on social networking sites Facebook, student drinking culture while patrolling hotlines, websites and bulleted tips catered MySpace, Twitter, Friendster, LinkeDin, State Street on weekends. l.o.r.i. page 2 Hi5, Classmates, Xanga and Skyrock. “The technological capabilities of

Study: Girth of Daily Cardinal more satisfying than its competitors’ A recent study ﬁnds that Madison newspaper readers feel “more satisﬁed” after 15 minutes with The Daily Cardinal than its competing area papers. The study, completed this March by the Partnership of Outstanding Newspapers (POON), found that during those special moments immersed in journalistic ecstasy, girth is more important than length to Madison readers. “Readers admitted society puts too much emphasis on length of a publication, saying they favored a wider product instead.”

Readers are much more likely to be pleased by the wider Cardinal than its lengthier counterparts, the study says.

“We’ve always sought to please our readers and thought we did well, but you never know when readers are just faking it to be nice,” the Cardinal said in a press release. “It’s nice to have this validation, and frankly, hearing the news gets us up and ready to please our readers again—it really excites us.” More than 70 percent of surveyed read-

ers admitted society puts too much emphasis on length of a publication, saying they favored a wider product instead. POON President Patricia J. Sneade said she has seen more and more newspapers opting for a wider product to offer their customers, even on the national level. “Take the Chicago Tribune, for instance,” Sneade said. “When they quit worrying about their length, just relaxed and accepted a wider frame, customer satisfaction soared.” UW student Thibaut Bussière wasn’t surprised by the results, but he was confounded by other papers’ efforts to actually appear thinner. “I ﬁnd the Cardinal enjoyably penetrating on a consistent basis, if they opted for a thinner approach I’m sure it would leave me wanting,” he said. “Hopefully other papers will stop beating themselves up to look longer and thinner; it’s a losing situation for everyone involved.” Other area papers declined to comment. Readers who have read the competing papers for periods of longer than four hours are advised to consult a physician.

K guys, let’s try this one more time. We’ve got a full tank of gas, “Varsity” blasting on the radio and an open road ahead of us. If we can all simply act like adults, we shouldn’t have any proble— HEY! What are you doing back there? Is that summer sausage? Put that down! Oh, you’re going to eat it? Well, how about eating it normally please, perhaps with a bun and some yellow mustard. Or maybe Dijon, if that’s your thing. Yessir, a brat with some Dijon mustard would really hit the spot right now, maybe at the next rest stop we can ch— WOAH WOAH WOAH! What’s in that water bottle? Water is not dark brown, Jamie. Are you kids shirking your duties to the UW again? I’m about to pull this bus over! For Pete’s sake, can’t we have a simple six-hour bus ride without any disruptions? Back in the day the band was the model of good behavior. And we didn’t have any of these fancy coach buses either. No sir, we were crammed four to a seat in an old school bus that smelled like vomit. Now that I think about it, this bus is starting to smell like vomit too. One of these days, I’m going to show these kids the discipline they really need, or my name isn’t “Iron Mike” Leckro— SAMUEL! Where do you think you’re going? I told you once already, we are NOT using the bathroom on the bus, we are waiting until a rest stop. I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to hold it. You guys think it’s a good idea to turn bathroom privileges into some sort of perverted game? Well so do I! It’s called “let’s all wait to use the bathroom until we’ve gotten off the gosh-darn, pea-picking bus because it’s the only place where you damn tubas won’t make people suck on sex toys to gain admission into the damn john!” Sounds like a fun game right? Almost as fun as “Let’s not drink before, during and after the games, instead relying on our own spirited enthusiasm to entertain the crowd!” That’s another great one. Things used to be different. The footband page 2

ASM committee approves thing The Associated Students of Madison moved one step closer to approving that thing after that thing was endorsed Monday by ASM’s Thing Approval Subcommittee. The thing was the subject of extensive debate, with fans and opponents of the thing arguing until midnight in ASM’s new Thing Discussion and Deliberation Annex. Pro-thing advocates argued that the thing would allocate more stuff thing page 2

“…the great state University of Wisconsin should ever encourage that continual and fearless sifting and winnowing by which alone the truth can be found.”

news

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

OOLS!

APRIL F

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FOOLS IN BRIEF ‘Fifth year sounding great’ say campus seniors aware of the catastrophic economic collapse UW-Madison seniors across campus Tuesday were nearly unanimous about the prospect of staying on for another year, with several pointing to the imminent collapse of the world financial system as a factor. Many cited increasing evidence that a fifth year is all that stands between them and complete financial independence for the first and, considering the almost zero chance of landing a job, likely the last time in their lives. “History classes, I mean I never really took all the history classes I wanted. Another year would really help with that. History... it has been going on for a long time,” said senior chemical engineering major Josh Schmitter, as he passed a “Going out of business” sign on a local dumpling restaurant. “Maybe art history, too,” Schmitter added. Several seniors said they hoped to gain a more rich and diverse college experience by extending their time at UW-Madison. Senior and English major Jennifer Colblume said she hoped to take more classes

on farming her own food and other “recession-proof” jobs like ditch digging. “I’ve never taken a class on modern dance either; I promised myself I would try one out,” Colblume said, denying that an icy shiver ran down her spine as she watched the Dow Jones stock index drop over 200 points recently. Colblume insisted her persistent weeping and rocking back and forth in the fetal position was actually dance practice. She then stared off into the corner for several minutes. Experts on campus said it was common for some college seniors to express hesitancy about joining the workforce. UW-Madison professor of sociology and public policy Ben Albert said he would be worried too if he had to sink into the suffocating black hole that is the labor market, from which no light can escape. “Swoooooooosh,” said Albert, making the sound of a toilet ﬂushing and pantomiming a naïve senior being sent down the drain like so much human waste. “Like a turd,” he said.

From behind bars: Robbery suspect fuming over inaccurate moniker use The suspect arrested in connection with several downtown robberies is requesting a name change. The press labeled the man “The Parka Bandit” due to his distinctive coat, but the suspect argued that moniker could not be further from the truth. “It’s more of a pea coat, or perhaps a smoking jacket,” complained the suspect, 20-year-old Justin Thompson. “Honestly, how can you call this thing a parka? You don’t see me robbing L.L. Bean, do you?”

Madison Police Department Public Information Ofﬁcer Joel DeSpain noted that most criminals have little to no choice in their moniker. “Who can forget the famed ‘Pink Shirt Hoodlum’?” DeSpain asked wryly. “He was probably about as pleased as the infamous ‘Really Really Smelly Crook.’” Thompson will be arraigned on ﬁve counts of robbery, one count of drug possession and three felonies that will be categorized as crimes of fashion.

The massive holes and depressing chain-link fences of the Sudden Hacking-up to Interrupt Terrace (SHIT) project will be complete by 2010—if they get around to it.

UW announces utility work to finally begin at Union Terrace In a press release late Monday evening, the Wisconsin Union Directorate announced plans to begin utility work at the Memorial Union Terrace next week, a construction project which will temporarily delay the official spring opening of the Terrace for up to 18 weeks. Citing the slightly sub-par sewer drainage between Memorial Union and Lake Mendota, union officials said it is urgent that construction begin immediately and extend interminably. Tony Shapiro, spokesperson for WUD, explained the decision in an e-mail. “The lake has just thawed, and the weather is finally beginning to turn, so just like students, our thoughts immediately turned to the Terrace ... and to deciding which construction project we could possibly implement to further mar our beautiful campus.” Similar to the utility work that has occupied Library Mall since as long

l.o.r.i. from page 1 to specific categories of student needs.” UW-Madison Chancellor Biddy Martin said current dean Berquam had some good ideas, but drew too much attention to her limits when promising to do things like monitor campus safety 24/7. “[Human] Lori really signed

as anyone can remember, the Sudden Hacking-up to Interrupt Terrace will consist of tearing up the entire existing surface of the Terrace so that noisy construction crews can dig gigantic gaping holes under it and then putz around for four months, not appearing to do much work at all.

According to Shapiro, while the work is in progress the Terrace area will be surrounded by ugly chain link fences with dumb ﬂyers taped all over and beer sales will be suspended for the duration. When asked if SHIT would extend to even that area of the Terrace up by the Union Theatre, Shapiro replied that he had not thought of

doing that, but “now that you mention it, yes.” The announcement was, of course, met with a few grumbles, though WUD assures us that only narrow and short-sighted people would fail to see the project’s immediate necessity. When told of the plans, UW senior and sunset enthusiast James Osborne stated he would “blow up Bascom, then,” before falling into an epileptic ﬁt and convulsing. Yet thanks to the huge number of other construction projects clogging up campus, the UW student body has been largely understanding. “I guess that’s just how it goes,” said junior and just-turned-21 Melanie Spitz. “The Terrace has been closed for, like, six months. What’s another four or ﬁve?” WUD announced that while SHIT is in progress, an interim Union Terrace will be set up in the parking lot of the old UHS building. Beer sales at the new site will be discontinued.

her own death certificate with that one,” Martin said. “We determined such a feat could only be accomplished by an inorganic, battery-powered android—one that comes equipped with night vision, thermal cameras and arms that operate as 40-millimeter grenade launchers.” Student reaction has generally been positive, though reviews from

students who have actually met L.O.R.I. have ranged from “cold,” to “insensitive,” to “zombie-like.” “We’re still waiting for L.O.R.I. to have an epiphany through which she finally recognizes human love and compassion,” Martin said. “In the meantime, we’ve programmed her to prepare and distribute a mean PB&J sandwich.”

“Union ofﬁcials said it is urgent that construction begin immediately and extend interminably.”

thing from page 1

The mislabeled crook may forever be known as “The Parka Bandit” despite actually wearing a pea coat during robberies.

band from page 1 ball team used to suck more than my damn pension plan. People used to come just to see the world-famous Wisconsin Band! People used to show up late because they only wanted to see the 5th quarter, not because they were piss drunk at 10:45 in the morning. People used to sing “Varsity” like it meant something, rather than adding chanting cuss words at each other and adding “beer” to the end of every cheer. I could go for a cold frosty

one right now. No, I didn’t really want one Todd, put that away. No, I don’t want a beer bong, Todd. NO, I DON’T WANT TO SHOTGUN A STINKIN’ BEER FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! That’s it. I’m pulling this bus over! Pick up your instruments and start walking. No, I’m not kidding Alex. Yes, that includes you bass drum. We’re going to “Roll Out the Barrel” all the way to Ann Arbor you worthless ingrates. PUT THAT DOOBIE DOWN!

to another thing. “This thing is exactly the thing that’s needed to put our things in the right place to create things for a new direction toward other things,” thing-lover and Thing Approval Subcommittee representative Tyler Junger said at the meeting. However, staunch anti-thingers told the committee they thought the thing did not do nearly enough things and barely gives enough stuff to existing things. “The things in this thing do not allow students the things they deserve. More discussion of these things is needed before we approve these things,” thing opponent Chynna Haas said at the meeting while wearing a “The Thing is Not the Right Thing” T-shirt. Ultimately, the thing was narrowly approved by a 3-2 margin.

An ASM committee member is frought with consternation over the potential passage of the thing.

TASTY TRICKS TO FOOL YOUR FRIENDS

Get back at your roommates using these food-related April Fools’ Day pranks University of Wisconsin-Madison

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Zimmermann’s 911 call, apartment security are topics of pending lawsuits By Abby Sears THE DAILY CARDINAL

Forum analyzes preliminary results of Athletic Department’s self-study The UW Athletics Recertiﬁcation Forum Tuesday began the discussion of results from the university’s NCAA athletics certiﬁcation self-study. “Obviously this was initiated in response to a requirement by the NCAA that as a member institution we meet their objectives,” Academic Integrity Subcommittee Chair Dale Bjorling said. “At the same time, I think this can be looked at as an opportunity to review the programs we have within the Athletic Department and determine are there areas we could be doing better.” According to Darrell Bazzell, NCAA Certification Steering Committee chair, the purpose of the study is to secure the NCAA’s commitment to integrity in intercollegiate athletics. “I think it’s critical with a large

athletic department ... It’s really important to make sure that we’re in full compliance with the operating principles that are set forth by the NCAA,” he said. The Steering Committee conducted the report over an eightmonth period. For closer analysis, the committee divided into three subcommittees focusing on governance and commitment to rule compliance; academic integrity; and gender, diversity and student-athlete well-being. Bjorling said the group’s main goal is to treat athletes and others equally. “The ﬁrst operating principle within the area of academic integrity relates to the student-athlete, their role in the university and actually how they are treated as a student,” he said. The committee plans to maintain this principle by admitting studentathletes who have reasonable expectations of obtaining degrees and keep-

ing academic standards consistent. Sheila McGuirk, chair of the Gender, Diversity and Student-Athlete Well-Being Subcommittee, described the committee’s main goals. “Out first operating principle revolves around gender issues, and the athletic program shall conduct and promote its athletic program free from gender bias,” she said. McGuirk said it is important to support women in athletics with scholarships, updated equipment and locker rooms just as much as men. If the report is passed by an NCAA committee, the chancellor would be assigned responsibility for the operation and the UW System Board of Regents would provide oversight. The university’s response to the NCAA’s analysis is due December 2009. The NCAA Convention approved the university’s first certification selfstudy in 1993 after a five-year cycle.

Wisconsin, Minnesota to join forces amid harsh economy By Jessica Feld THE DAILY CARDINAL

Collaborative programs between Wisconsin and Minnesota could save Wisconsin an estimated $10 million, Gov. Jim Doyle announced Tuesday. In a statement, Doyle and Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty detailed plans to join efforts in more than 80 state-run programs. “This marks the start of an important effort to cut government spending while protecting essential services during a tough economic time for our country,” Doyle said in the statement. Issuing executive orders this past January, both governors required state agencies to search for ways the two states could collaborate to help make up for budget shortfalls and

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Remembering Brittany Part two of four

NICK KOGOS THE DAILY CARDINAL

THE DAILY CARDINAL

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David Zimmerman, chair of the Governance and Commitment to Rules Compliance Subcommittee of UWMadison’s NCAA Certiﬁcation Steering Committee, speaks at Tuesday’s UW Athletics Recertiﬁcation Forum.

By Brandice Altﬁllisch

A darker side: Peter Bjorn and John’s latest more reﬂective than relaxing ARTS PAGE 5

improve government operations. According to the Wisconsin Minnesota Collaboration Report, ﬁve areas of improvement were identiﬁed. They include joint procurement and best practices, cross-border collaboration, information technology systems, reciprocity and shared resources. The greatest savings come in areas of reciprocity, which include issuing joint-state permits for oversized trucks in Wisconsin and Minnesota. Joint permits would save the industry over $2 million annually, the report found. Additionally, the report found sharing resources like communication infrastructure would save the states $900,000 per year. Wisconsin state Assembly Speaker

Michael Sheridan, D-Janesville, was impressed by the number of areas the task force identified for potential cooperation, according to his spokesperson, Rebekah Sweeney. “At a time when both Minnesota and Wisconsin face significant budget shortfalls, it’s smart to look for ways we can collaborate and share resources to ease the burden on taxpayers,” Sheridan said in a statement. For Pawlenty, the tough economic times provide opportunity for state government development. “These challenging times provide us an opportunity to make state government more accountable and efficient,” Pawlenty said in a statement. “Working together with our neighbors in Wisconsin will advance these goals.”

Even though police have yet to arrest the person responsible for killing UW-Madison junior Brittany Zimmermann, other controversies surrounding the homicide have been making their way through Dane County courtrooms in the year since her death. The first storm erupted nearly a month after the homicide, when former Dane County 911 Center Director Joe Norwick admitted 21year-old Zimmermann called 911 from her cell phone the afternoon of her death last April—but no one came to help. Norwick said the dispatcher mistook Zimmermann’s call as accidental and did not call back or dispatch police. A warrant unsealed in December revealed Zimmermann called 911 at 12:20 p.m., but police were not dispatched until Zimmermann’s fiancé Jordan Gonnering found her body at 1:08 p.m, despite audible screams and signs of struggle in her call. As the county’s 911 center came under fire and a flurry of lawsuits ensued, another potential blunder surfaced, this time involving the security of Zimmermann’s downtown apartment where she was killed. Allegations of flimsy doors, cheap locks and negligent landlords arose as other lawsuits bearing the Zimmermann name were filed. Over the next 12 months, many facets of the Zimmermann case were left tangled in the justice system.

The ill-fated 911 call In June 2008, Zimmermann’s parents, Kevin and Jean, filed a federal lawsuit against Dane County and Rita Gahagan, the 20-year veteran dispatcher who mishandled Zimmermann’s call, but dropped the suit the following month. Then on Jan. 13, the Zimmermanns and Gonnering filed a wrongful death lawsuit against Dane County, County Executive Kathleen Falk and Gahagan alleging their negligence led to the homicide. The suit claims Falk failed to provide adequate staff or equipment to the Dane County 911 Center and her and the county’s initial denial of sounds of struggle in Zimmermann’s 911 call caused emotional distress to the family. The lawsuit also alleges Gahagan violated policy by failing to call Zimmermann back and should have dispatched police based on sounds heard in the call. According to court documents, attorneys for the county, Falk and Gahagan filed a motion in late January to dismiss the case. Attorneys for Falk also filed a motion to reschedule her court appearances to April or May due to a change in legal counsel. Dane County Circuit Court Judge Maryann Sumi will rule on the motions before proceeding with the wrongful death suit. Fighting to hear the call With so much controversy surrounding Zimmermann’s botched 911 call, curiosity about the contents of the call zimmermann page 3

DISTRICT 8 THROWDOWN A preview to the April 7 election

What do you think is the most important proposal in your campaign in order to ensure campus safety? Bryon Eagon: “It is vital to address the root cause of so many crimes in Madison relating to chronic offenders. By getting these chronic offenders off the streets and into housing, substance treatment and jobs programs, we can keep them out of a cycle of crime and promote sustained safety on campus and downtown.”

WOULF

EAGON

Mark Woulf: “In the short term, we must begin to take the problem on ourselves by creating more neighborhood watch programs. My proposal would include funding for such programs and strategic lighting, as well as a longer-term plan to make it easier for bars to allow 18+ into their establishments, with the hope of eliminating the need of a police taskforce devoted to underage drinking busts, allowing these resources to concentrate on real crime.”

“…the great state University of Wisconsin should ever encourage that continual and fearless sifting and winnowing by which alone the truth can be found.”

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Wednesday, April 1, 2009

An independent student newspaper, serving the University of Wisconsin-Madison community since 1892

TODAY: partly sunny hi 48º / lo 29º

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Ashley registers for Facebook circa 2015

Volume 118, Issue 121

2142 Vilas Communication Hall 821 University Avenue Madison, Wis., 53706-1497 (608) 262-8000 l fax (608) 262-8100

News and Editorial edit@dailycardinal.com Editor in Chief Alex Morrell Managing Editor Gabe Ubatuba Campus Editor Erin Banco Rachel Holzman City Editor State Editor Megan Orear Charles Brace Enterprise Editor Associate News Editor Caitlin Gath Opinion Editors Nick Dmytrenko Jon Spike Arts Editors Kevin Slane Justin Stephani Sports Editors Ben Breiner Crystal Crowns Features Editor Diana Savage Food Editor Sara Barreau Science Editor Bill Andrews Photo Editors Kyle Bursaw Lorenzo Zemella Graphics Editors Amy Gifﬁn Jenny Peek Copy Chiefs Kate Manegold Emma Roller Jake Victor Copy Editors Tanya Adams Jennifer Bobeck, Daniel Lyman Caitlin Sachs

Business and Advertising business@dailycardinal.com Business Manager Alex Kusters Advertising Manager Sheila Phillips Mindy Cummings Billing Manager Accounts Receivable Manager Cole Wenzel Account Executives Katie Brown Ana Devcic, Natalie Kemp Tom Shield Eric Harris, Dan Hawk Web Directors Marketing Director Heath Bornheimer Archivist Erin Schmidtke

ASHLEY SPENCER back that ash up Welcome to Facebook 2015 Sign Up! It’s free and anyone can join. Full name: ASHLEY “BACK THAT ASH UP” SPENCER All possible anagrams formed from your ﬁrst name, middle name, last name, combination of the three, and the full name of your second cousin twice removed: I’m not sure what an anagram is, and I refuse to take the time to Wikipedia that. P.J. Hill. Person you lost your virginity to: An unusually metrosexual UW law student who wore perfectly ironed linen pants when we met and liked to drink seltzer water. Whenever he had leftover pizza, he’d wrap each slice individually in tinfoil and arrange them neatly in his fridge. He liked to pretend he needed Magnums. This information will remain private right? If you answered N/A, person

you’d like to lose your virginity to (must be Facebook user): Someone who didn’t spend more time ironing and polishing his perfectly manicured hands then trying to get me into bed. Social Security number: N/A. I’m an illegal. Former name: Ashlita Spencero con queso. All major credit card numbers, expiration dates, and security codes: Unfortunately, due to my lack of self-control, I do not have a credit card in my name. Just use The Daily Cardinal’s expense account. Gift you will use your credit card to buy Facebook Webmaster (No ShamWows, please): A virtual bitchslap tool to hit all fake-andbake girls whose default shows too much boob in a skimpy bikini. Please, you’re making me feel ugly and pale. Three adjectives that describe yourself and don’t contain the letter “e”: Soft-spokAn Purty Intilligint Date, time, location of your last orgasm: 09/30/08, 3:02 a.m., Daily Cardinal Copy Desk, lights

off threeway. Other parties present: Davis Scrottinger, Kiera Wiatrak, prosthetic vampire fangs, marijuana. Was this your best orgasm? Y/ N. Absolutely not. But I give them a C for effort. TRUE/FALSE I will join the group “Holy Shit!! Lost my phone!!! Need your digits peoplezzz!!” or one of related content T/F: Sure. I’ll also tag all my friends to that picture with all the cartoons, making sure to tag someone as “The One that’s Always Hungry.” Additionally, I will pick my top five beers and TV shows in hopes that my eighth grade crush might realize I got sufficiently cooler since I had a bowl-y haircut and an unflattering red puffy jacket everyone referred to as a “BIG RED BOAT.” I will put people over 40 on limited profile T/F: Depends ... are they DavidDuchovny 40, or Lyle Lovett-y and fug? Weirdest Facebook Habit: Drunk FB chatting starting out with ALL CAPITAL long drawn out versions of their name. EXAMPLE: hEyyyyyyyyy KIIIIIIIEEEEERRR

the daily cardinal makes fun of you

The Daily Cardinal is published weekdays and distributed at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and its surrounding community with a circulation of 10,000. The Daily Cardinal is a nonproﬁt organization run by its staff members and elected editors. It receives no funds from the university. Operating revenue is generated from advertising and subscription sales. Capital Newspapers, Inc. is the Cardinal’s printer. The Daily Cardinal is printed on recycled paper. The Cardinal is a member of the Associated Collegiate Press and the Wisconsin Newspaper Association. All copy, photographs and graphics appearing in The Daily Cardinal are the sole property of the Cardinal and may not be reproduced without written permission of the editor in chief. The Daily Cardinal accepts advertising representing a wide range of views. This acceptance does not imply agreement with the views expressed. The Cardinal reserves the right to reject advertisements judged offensive based on imagery, wording or both. Complaints: News and editorial complaints should be presented to the editor in chief. Business and advertising complaints should be presented to the business manager. Letters Policy: Letters must be typewritten, double-spaced and no longer than 200 words, including contact information. Letters may be sent to letters@dailycardinal.com.

Jordan Dennison

is a little hungover and not sure what happened last night! Saturday 4:20

Major: Psychology Relationship Status: Single Religious Views: Chrisitan - Lutheran Birthday: November 7, 1988 (Making Him to young to legally drink. Ahem)

Editorial Board Nick Dmytrenko Dave Heller Alex Morrell Frances Provine Todd Stevens Jon Spike Gabe Ubatuba l

Songs where Jordan uses his mouth as a drum: 1

Quotes about being drunk: 2

Board of Directors Vince Filak Alex Kusters Mikhail Hanson Nik Hawkins Dave Heller Janet Larson Chris Long Alex Morrell Sheila Phillips Benjamin Sayre Jenny Sereno Terry Shelton Jeff Smoller Jason Stein l

We would recommend adding curling your toung to your impressive list of skills.

Most Embarrassing Item: Jordan Dennison’s profile looks as if it came straight from a DoIt ad about the dangers of Facebook. You know those ones that warn you about posting compromising information on an insecure medium online? Good luck getting a job if anyone ever sees your Facebook. Let’s review some of your qualifications: “Activities—Not reading, skipping class, bars, drinking brewskis and field parties. Interests—Drinking and chilaxin. About me—I like to party alot. I like to sleep alot. I don’t like to go to work but there are some things there I like.” Wow. We recommend cleaning up your profile before it ends up in the newspaper. Oops! Alcoholic Beverage Policy from your High School: The State Statutes (S.176) prohibit students under the age of 21 from procuring, seeking to procure and knowingly possessing or consuming intoxicating liquor in public ... Students found consuming, possessing or under the influence of alcoholic beverages ... Will be suspended from school. Missed Opportunity: How about an explanation of how you don’t like to read, yet still have both Shakespeare and textbooks listed under your favorite books? We would like to suggest reading while you drink. It might be just what you’re looking for.

For the record Corrections or clariﬁcations? Call The Daily Cardinal ofﬁce at 608-262-8000 or send an e-mail to edit@dailycardinal.com.

THURSDAY: rain/snow hi 47º / lo 30º

Saving Grace: “I live life like a true Sconnie, hammered and loving it!” Well said, at least you’re self-employed—not even a drunk musician would ﬁre himself.

Want your Facebook proﬁle to be made fun of? Join the group “The Daily Cardinal Makes Fun of You.”

RRAAAAAAAAAAAA. Gets especially awkward with co-workers and bosses. MULTIPLE CHOICE I will sign on to Facebook: a. 2-3 times HOURLY b. to write something intriguing under my default picture that makes no sense to make other people think I’m interesting. EXAMPLE: Button balls. Curious? Thought so. c. to detag pictures where I have more than one chin d. to make sure the world knows I have good taste in TV shows, books and movies, and to make sure my taste matches those I find particularly attractive. My profile picture will: a. crop my friends out when they look better than me. b. show off my uncanny ability to do beer bongs, keg stands, and play flip cup in Badger attire at 8:00 a.m. I’m so COLLEGE. c. show my vampire-obsessed self biting something, currently Bucky Mascot. d. never be of me giving a kissy face. If you don’t know what the hell this means, read yesterday’s column or e-mail aaspencer@wisc.edu.

Want to write, copy edit, take photos or draw for The Daily Cardinal? E-mail edit@dailycardinal.com

news

Sexual Assault Awareness Month Fact of the Day: Every two minutes, someone in the United States is sexually assaulted. Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Proposal may limit cheap liquor sales By Rebecca Holland THE DAILY CARDINAL

In an effort to reduce alcoholrelated crime, a Madison city council member wants to limit the sale of cheap alcohol. On Tuesday, Ald. Michael Schumacher, District 18, proposed a ban throughout Madison on the sale of less than a pint of liquor or fortified wine and less than a six-pack of beer. Schumacher said the city has too much panhandling and the ban would make it harder for alcoholics to accumulate enough money to purchase alcohol or pressure others into buying it for them. “This will slow down their potential drinking, or it’s going to make it more difficult,” Schumacher said. He acknowledged that someone who wants liquor badly enough will save money to buy a six-pack but said that in establishments that already have these conditions in place, the amount of litter and panhandling has been reduced. Katherine Plominski, Madison’s Alcohol Policy Coordinator, said restrictions on alcohol sales in other communities have been effective. “Specifically, reductions were

TODAY ON THE WEB8

seen in detox admissions, emergency medical services and police service calls,” Plominski said. The city banned cheap liquor sales last summer in Districts 4 and 8, affecting 11 retail license holders. The ban stopped the sale of single cans of beer, but Schumacher said distributors started packing two cans together. The new proposal would ban anything less than a six-pack and would affect all 123 of the retail license holders in Madison. Schumacher hopes to reduce panhandling and other alcohol-related incidents but said his proposal is not a complete solution. “Out of the whole toolkit available, this is really one small tool,” Schumacher said. “What we’re trying to do is minimize some of the behavior that comes out of this excessive drinking of these cheap liquors.” Plominski agreed that the proposal was an important step toward a larger goal. “The restrictions are just one aspect of an entire community-wide effort to deal with chronic public inebriation,” Plominski said. If passed, Schumacher said the proposal would go into effect in May or June.

New student group helps with travel plans www.dailycardinal.com/news

dailycardinal.com/news

ALRC to add UW student as nonvoting member By Rachel Holzman THE DAILY CARDINAL

Ald. Eli Judge, District 8, marked his last city council meeting Tuesday night with an initiative that will place an Associated Students of Madison representative on the board of the Alcohol License Review Committee as a nonvoting afﬁliate. “I think it’s a phenomenally important move for the city to include a student voice on the ALRC,” Judge said. “Students have an essential voice on the topic of alcohol, and in my opinion it has been long overdue to get a student on the committee.”

zimmermann from page 1 spiked, with many wondering if there were in fact audible signs warranting police dispatch. In mid-May, a number of media organizations including the Wisconsin State Journal, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel and Channel 3000 ﬁled a lawsuit seeking to make the audio of Zimmermann’s call public. In a battle between the public’s right to freedom of information and protecting the integrity of an ongoing police investigation, the media organizations’ attorney April Barker and Dane County attorneys argued their respective viewpoints in the courtroom of Dane County Circuit Court Judge Richard Niess. In mid-December, Niess ruled to allow the release of audio of Gonnering’s 911 call. Authorities released a heavily edited recording of the call in early January, despite pleas from Gonnering’s attorney to withhold the audio. Niess

The ALRC already includes several nonvoting members. One of these members is Special Assistant to the Chancellor Dawn Crim, who represents the views of UW-Madison and Bascom Hall. Ald. Mike Verveer, District 4, said the new student member is meant to complement the chancellor’s position on the board. “Students should be given the same opportunity to represent the views of the campus community,” Verveer said. “If you ask the average student, they probably would not think it’s fair that the chan-

cellor’s office is meant to speak on the students’ behalf when it comes to alcohol issues.” ASM will use an application process to determine who will sit on the ALRC. “I have expressed strong opinion and concern with ASM that we are sure to pick a student representative that is really passionate about the issue, really dedicated to going to these meetings and that can really serve as a strong voice,” Judge said. “I am conﬁdent that ASM will be able to pick a student to serve as the students’ representative on the committee.”

also made documents relating to the Dane County 911 Center’s investigation into how Zimmermann’s call was handled available to the public. Nearly two weeks later, Niess made a ﬁnal ruling to keep the audio of Zimmermann’s call private until her killer is found.

entry and kill Zimmermann. According to the suit, Zimmermann’s parents said they observed “uninhabitable conditions” at the apartment, with “cheap, hollow-core doors with cheap locks.” The lawsuit claims the landlord should have provided better security in an area “known to be frequented by vagrants, panhandlers and criminals.” The Zimmermanns claim WMC ignored several verbal and written complaints made by Gonnering about the lack of security. On Feb. 5, Gonnering joined the lawsuit against WMC and Endres seeking unspeciﬁed compensatory damages for the “natural shock, grief and severe emotional injuries” he sustained after discovering Zimmermann’s body and the apartment in “morbid disarray.” A pre-trial meeting between attorneys for both parties and the judge in the Zimmermann lawsuit is scheduled for May.

“Uninhabitable conditions” Zimmermann’s ill-fated 911 call was not the only issue in the homicide case to spur legal action. The security of Zimmermann and Gonnering’s apartment at 517 W. Doty St. was also brought into question in two separate suits ﬁled by Zimmermann’s loved ones against the property’s management. In June 2008, Kevin and Jean Zimmermann ﬁled a wrongful death lawsuit against Wisconsin Management Company Inc. and its owner, landlord Russ Endres, alleging the apartment lacked proper security, which allowed an intruder to gain

featuresfood

Wednesday, April 1, 2009 4

dailycardinal.com/food

Relish in pranks you can sink your teeth into Wreak havoc on your roommates today with some of these clever April Fools’ Day hoaxes By Sara Barreau THE DAILY CARDINAL

Resolve your conﬂicts Have an obsessive-compulsive roommate who freaks out if shoes aren’t removed immediately upon stepping through the doorway? Serve up a shot of adrenaline with a cup of spilled coffee or a carelessly tipped glass of wine. Not a real one, of course—don’t want to risk the chance of losing the security deposit. Fake it with a Seat Saver, available at prankplace.com/seatsavers. Handcrafted in the U.S., these ingenious fake spills come in the forms of ketchup packets, glasses of red wine and a use-your-own-mug coffee spill.

Stay out of it Roommate constantly snatching your food out of the fridge? Leave them a special surprise: fake food. Visit fakefoodonline.com for an enormous variety of inedible lifelike wax cuisine. Whether their favorite is take-out, desserts or even a sandwich with a margarita on the side, this web site has handcrafted foods that look a lot better than they taste. If refrigerator space is scarce or you’re looking for a more subtle way to protect your sandwich, get some anti-theft lunch bags from thinkofthe.com. These sandwich bags have green mold-like splotches printed on each side to help ward off roommates or sticky-fingered co-workers. Cheese, man Once you apologize to your roommate for tricking them with the fake spill, offer to make them lunch. Prepare a sandwich with American cheese, but don’t take the wrapper off. Then watch them take a bite.

Meatloaf Cake

Courtesy of Allrecipes.com What you’ll need: Two round cake pans Your favorite meatloaf recipe Mashed potatoes Ketchup Cherry tomatoes Prepare your favorite meatloaf recipe as you normally would, but, before baking, divide the mixture into the two round cake pans and pat it flat. Bake as usual, but shorten the cooking time (these thinner meatloaves won’t take nearly as long to cook). While the meatloaf is in the oven, make a batch of mashed potatoes, adding a little extra milk to them and whipping them with an electric beater until they are fluffy and spreadable. When the meatloaves are done, invert one of them onto a round plate. Cover the meat with a thick, even layer of mashed potatoes. Place the other meatloaf on top of the potato layer, and finish frosting the “cake” with the remaining potatoes. Garnish with halved cherry tomatoes to look like cherries. Just before serving, decorate the top of your cake with ketchup. Write a personalized message, or just a simple “Happy April Fools’ Day!”

What a prick Throwing a party tonight? Let unwelcome guests know they’re uninvited. Use a pin to prick some holes in the bottom of their cup or can and watch it dribble on their shirt. Just be sure to keep them off the carpet. Shake it up Add some pizazz to the pantry. Pour some baking soda to your roommate’s ketchup and shake it up. The next time they go for a side of ketchup for their fries, they’ll get a bubbling surprise. No baking soda? Use hot sauce to add an extra kick. Excuse me Looking for something that will get your victim where it hurts? Reach for a classic: the laxitive. Add it to baked goods before putting them in the oven,

te i B

of Ma d

n i so

Everyone has or has had one before: an obnoxious roommate. Those currently frustrated by live-in buddies should seek solace in today’s holiday. It’s not too late to join in on the food-prank fun and deal with your disagreements with some creativity. Even if you lack the desire to see your roomie’s face erupt in sheer terror, what’s stopping you from letting your co-worker, significant other or another friend in on the fun? Here are a few ways to get back at the deserving, or at least keep yourself entertained, on April Fools’ Day.

Designed to help save a seat at a party while you get up to use the restroom, these also work great when strategically placed on the living room carpet. Leave it in a visible place and watch your roommate flip out.

By Jia Luo PHOTO BY DANNY MARCHEWKA

use it to thicken a beverage or add some zest to the ranch dressing. The unsuspecting prey will be running to the bathroom every 10 minutes. More ideas If time is of the essence and cash flow is low, look to some usual suspects. Sprinkle some cayenne pepper in, well, anything. Dye your roommate’s milk yellow with food coloring. Hide a dead fish under your best friend’s pillow. OK, maybe not, but use your imagination. If all else fails, visit the Internet for inspiration. Some of the ideas in this story were found on pranksite.com. With over 80 food pranks and hundreds of others to induce public humiliation and sheer confusion, they urge you to make the most of April Fools’ Day, even if it means apologizing tomorrow.

Sardine

Located near the Capitol at the odd John Nolen/Williamson/ Wilson intersection, Sardine is a classy yet informal restaurant with a view of Lake Monona. The interior of the restaurant reminded us of a spacious log cabin, and is usually ﬁlled with cheerful people. Upon being seated at a large wooden table, we were given fresh bread. The waitstaff was also incredibly nice, friendly and very knowledgeable about the food. We ended up ordering the tomato soup, which tasted fairly average. For entrées, we ordered Choucroute de Poisson and the potato, gruyere and leek croquette, which were both delicious. Overall, Sardine was a fun restaurant to go to with a great atmosphere and nice waitstaff. The food is pretty good, although offered at a hefty price. I would recommend this place for birthdays and special occasions. Overall: 3/4 For more information, check out madisonculinary.blogspot.com.

Beat rainy day blues with Bluephies By Alicia Williams THE DAILY CARDINAL

“Spring has sprung”? Not yet, but spring is springing, or trying to at least. Personally, I am excited, because now that we are officially in April I know that it will only snow one more time, and it is time for fresh spring food. The Farmer’s Market will be here in a few short weeks. Although Madison’s wet emergence into spring is painfully obvious, you may not have realized what a fabulously fresh market-to-table city we are eating in. Spring means strawberries and rhubarb, but also the most irresistible of all their collaborations—strawberry-rhubarb pie. This is why you need to get down to Knickerbocker Place for the

Bluephies dessert experience. The smooth, sour but sweet and buttery crunch combination can only be made better by a generous scoop of real vanilla ice cream. Plus, the owners revamped the restauant with a new bar area last summer. If you are going for lunch or dinner, their menu has something for everyone. Soup, chili, salad, sandwiches, fajitas, noodles, fish, chicken and risotto—they have it all. I recommend the chicken chili, perfect for a wet drippy spring day. The crab cakes are another great choice. Although a more expensive items, the perfect balance of spicy sharpness and crab’s natural buttery ﬂavor makes it worth the extra couple of dollars. You can opt for

the crab cake sandwich instead, but nearly everything is delicious. The wide range does not mean a bunch of mediocore dishes, but rather bite after bite of solid, seasonally minded food. Obviously I am seriously advocating the strawberry-rhubarb pie, but if you are eyeing other items in the bakery case, stay away from the “eruptions”: they are a rare miss for Bluephies’ desserts, which are almost all baked in the restaurant. I’ve been sitting at College Library for over an hour now, and I’m just now beginning to dry off, but the sun is breaking through the clouds over the lake. Take advantage of the weather and celebrate Madison spring with a friend, a date, your mom, whoever, at Bluephie’s in Knickerbocker Place on Monroe Street.

arts

dailycardinal.com/arts

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

What to do in a world without deadlines? FRANCES PROVINE a fran for all seasons his is it. It is Tuesday, my column is due in three hours, and I have nothing. Ideas have come and gone (Sex in literature? Too risqué. Non-proﬁt publishing? Seems like a lot of research) and all I have before me are a few pointless sentences in the default Cambria font of Microsoft Word 2008. Writer’s block is a condition faced by authors of all levels at all times in history. Whether it’s a Political Science student attempting to write her essay on Russian politics at four in the morning, or an aging novelist with 12 books under his belt, it’s a well-documented phenomenon that happens to even the most talented of wordsmiths. Perhaps my greatest realization of this came from learning that Ralph Ellison, after spending seven years writing “Invisible Man,” never even published his second novel despite working on it for the remaining 40 years of his life. Something similar happened to Truman Capote after publishing “In Cold Blood.”

PHOTO COURTESY JOHAN BERGMARK

This indie-pop trio struck gold in 2006 with their unavoidable hit “Young Folks,” and now they are back with a more mature, mustachioed sound while exploring more adventurous sounds on Living Thing.

Swedes advance sound By Jacqueline O’Reilly THE DAILY CARDINAL

From their artsy, whistle-laden world, Peter Bjorn and John deliver its latest album, Living Thing. Though the Swedish indie-pop trio had been around for roughly a decade before the success of their 2006 single “Young Folks” catapulted them into a world of mainstream radio stations and “Grey’s Anatomy” soundtracks. With Living Thing, Peter Bjorn and John are out to show that they are not a one-hit wonder destined to be torn apart by VH1 commentaries of the future. To the delight of both PB&J and its expanded following, the group proves this with flying colors. The album is a masterpiece of musical creation, filled with creative composition and vocal brilliancy. Although a large portion of the album meditates on a spoiled relationship, Living Thing still manages to be an upbeat and enjoyable listen. The album’s name is also fitting—there is a lot of life in the record. Something about Peter Bjorn and John’s sound is inherently organic and lively. The creativity and energy it contains is something all its own, breathing life through the speakers it emerges from. One of the high points on Living Thing is the track “It Don’t Move Me.” Starting with

a riff oddly reminiscent of “The People’s Court” intro, the song dramatically lays out its irritability within the first few notes. With the bitter taste of a failed relationship poisoning his mouth, lead singer Peter Morén sings with complacency about how “you don’t move me no more, and you’re no longer mine.” Similar to much of Peter Bjorn and John’s other work, a strong, fundamental rhythm anchors “It Don’t Move Me,” adding a harshness to the already depressing vocals declaring “everything is done.”

CD REVIEW

Living Thing Peter Bjorn and John On a lighter, not-so-final note, “Stay This Way” tells of the moment in a relationship where everything is perfect. Morén stresses “‘Cause it makes me happy... I don’t want to go back / I don’t want to move on... I just want to have you here.” With ooo’s and snaps providing a backdrop for the tender lyrics, “Stay This Way” speaks beautifully of the love the moment

New Albums of the Week Even though The Daily Cardinal reviews tons of albums each week, there are still many new releases which slip through the cracks. Here are some of the best new albums coming out this week, including our editor’s pick of the week. New Releases Gavin DeGraw - Free Bow Wow - New Jack City II Billy Ray Cyrus - Back To Tennessee Diana Krall - Quiet Nights The Answer - Everyday Demons Editor’s Pick: Thenewno2 – You Are Here Thenewno2 consists of Oliver Hecks and some friend of his named Dhani Harrison, who happens to be the son of George Harrison. Dhani spent his childhood helping his dad, who was something of a loner recorder, produce fulllength solo LP’s. He brings his dad’s voice and his own experienced stage presence—his ﬁrst performance was in front of 50,000 people in the Tokyo Dome before he was a teenager—to an album ﬂowing smoothly from track to track and from one diverse sound to the next.

possesses. However, the reality of time and its promise that this moment will end has a strong presence in the song. Morén’s vocals are more mournful than celebratory, making for a bittersweet love song and a terrific addition to Living Thing. “Lay It Down” is the most vibrant component to PB&J’s latest release. The song opens with the lines “Hey, shut the fuck up boy / You are starting to piss me off / Take your hands off that girl / You have already had enough,” sure to catch every listener’s attention quickly. These somewhat threatening lyrics narrate an upbeat, lively melody, making for a bit of humor between the mismatched concepts. The song continues to rip into this “boy” for the remainder of the song, giving the song a solid three and a half minutes of hostile hilarity. When all 12 tracks are added up, Living Thing is a truly exceptional album. Peter Bjorn and John have combined different melodies, emotions and rhythms into a perfectly cohesive compilation. The album definitely contains songs sure to find their way to the CW primetime lineup, but also gems you won’t hear whistled by every fifth person on the street for months to come. It is a consistent, attention-grabbing piece of work that should not be missed.

After all, if I only have a ﬁnite amount of time to write something, I can always blame my schedule for any errors.

When it comes to Ellison and Capote, it hardly matters that they published rarely, since the works they produced were masterpieces that left them literary legends. But if I decide I want to write, what happens when I get stuck after the ﬁrst book? I really doubt that book is going to live up to “Invisible Man.” What if I never even publish at all? Something that’s always been agonizing for me is the fact that even though I love reading, it’s very difﬁcult for me to start writing my own pieces. In a lot of ways, these two facts are linked: I feel like I’ll never be as good as my favorite authors and it’s a waste of my time

to even try. Meanwhile, I’ve watched creative writing majors and aspiring authors who are less well-read than I am compose prolifically. I’m not sure what’s worse, their arrogance or my own cowardice. On one hand, I feel that I am in good company. Authors who suffer from writer’s block are often hindered by their own perfectionism by an aching fear of not living up to their own expectations. On the other, success can only be measured by actual accomplishments, not literary idealism. For this very reason, talent only leads an author so far when it comes to the book world, particularly when writers are subject to the whims and desires of an ever-narrowing audience of customers. This isn’t to say I’m particularly talented, I’m just making a point. In college, I’ve used writing and journalism classes to force myself to cut through the fear and pressure of coming up with my own pieces, whose quality I alone am completely responsible for. Deadlines relieve some of the burden of trying to be perfect. After all, if I only have a finite amount of time to write something, I can always blame my schedule for any errors. But I wonder what will happen when, in two months, the only way I can continue writing is by freelancing articles. Making all my own pitches, the majority of which will inevitably be rejected? No deadlines to power through my insecurities? I can already feel the weight of writer’s block, that foreboding anticipation of failure, like a whale on my chest. People often talk about how so many great musicians and writers gather inspiration from drugs and alcohol. While it’s true that Ken Kesey used some of his acid trip hallucinations for scenes in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,” I feel like the idea of substance abuse as automatic creative stimulus is a simplification. Writer’s block isn’t, after all, necessarily about a lack of ideas or creativity, but about that crippling anxiety of fulfilling one’s own potential. Perhaps drugs are a way of soothing that anxiety, rather than helping produce original thoughts. Want to share your writer’s block anxieties? E-mail Frances at provine@wisc.edu.

comics 6

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Today’s Sudoku

Pulling a Prank

Real Original. The most common April Fools Day prank (saran wrap on the toilet seat) has been done 873,264 times. dailycardinal.com/comics

Anthro-apology

By Eric Wigdahl wigdahl@wisc.edu

Angel Hair Pasta

By Todd Stevens ststevens@wisc.edu

Solution, tips and computer program available at www.sudoku.com.

Fill in the grid so that every row, every column and every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 through 9. The Daily Code a b c d e f g h i

Get Silly u

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Sid and Phil

By Alex Lewein alex@sidandphil.com

“Njy b mjuumf gppmjtioftt xjui zpvs qsvefodf: ju’t hppe up cf tjmmz bu uif sjhiu npnfou.” Quote by Horace “Whoa, amber is the color of your energy. Whoa, shades of gold displayed naturally. ”

Yesterday’s Code:

Today’s Crossword Puzzle

The Graph Giraffe

Evil Bird

By Yosef Lerner ilerner@wisc.edu

By Caitlin Kirihara kirihara@wisc.edu

Answer key available at www.dailycardinal.com IT’S ALL RELATIVE

ACROSS 1 Ejects, volcano-style 6 Boutique 10 Award show hosted by Lance Armstrong in 2006 14 Suspense ﬁlm classic 15 Da Vinci model 16 Cash in Italy, once 17 Wall tapestry 18 Hard on the eyes 19 Egyptian fertility goddess 20 Fraternity 23 Minimus, e.g. 24 Small incubator 25 Some forensic evidence 27 One-time female auxiliary corps (Abbr.) 30 “Saving Private Ryan” event 33 Even-handed 34 Rat tail? 36 Kind of agreement 38 Less than lite 41 Where the theme entries may be? 44 Needed to be kneaded? 45 Distressed cry 46 007 school 47 Barge canal of song

51 52 54 56 57 64 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73

It could be disagreeable to the nose Currency in Kobe Add to the staff Acorn source Red army member Fictitious rhyme writer Lingerie item Russian river Pre-bulb lighting, perhaps Unlikely to bite Needle-nosed ﬁshes Take a tuck Vessel for Aquarius Excessive promotion Reacts to a revelation

12 13 21 22 26 27 28 29 31 32 35 37 39 40 42 43 48 50 52

DOWN 1 Concrete ﬂoor 2 “St. Elmo’s Fire (Man in Motion)” singer John 3 New coin in the Old World 4 High dudgeon 5 Like windows and geishas 6 Tying-over line, in music 7 Like a piccolo’s range 8 ___ Fjord (inlet of the Skagerrak) 9 Joke’s punchline, e.g. 10 Whitney or Wallach 11 Place with ties to

53 55 58 59 60 61 62 63 65

another place Abbey biggie Obsequious answers ___ a high note Ross of The Supremes Ecological community Mournful trumpet sound Sufﬁx with “symptom” He’s replaced by a baby Pretentious Swift beast “___ Goes My Baby” (Drifters hit) Off-color Lotion ingredient, perhaps Spacek’s biopic role “Talk turkey,” e.g. Ocean bottom Just the right amount Shabby Possible cause of mistakes Something acquired at the altar Australian marsupial Couch potato’s aid Large stringed instrument “So what ___ is new?” Isn’t wishy-washy Flow slowly Shows fallibility ___ annum

Twenty Pound Baby

By Stephen Tyler Conrad stconrad@wisc.edu

opinion dailycardinal.com/opinion

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

view

Editorial Cartoon

By John D. Liesveld opinion@dailycardinal.com

Cardinal View editorials represent The Daily Cardinal’s organizational opinion. Each editorial is crafted independent of news coverage.

tuition increase a necessity

one of us looks forward to tuition hikes, especially since all too often the beneﬁts appear intangible or altogether nonexistent. Tuition will rise this coming year, that much is a given regardless of which UW System university you attend. At UWMadison, tuition will rise even with a supplemental charge under Chancellor Martin’s recently proposed Madison Initiative for Undergraduates. The initiative, which would increase tuition by an additional $250 per year for in-state students and $750 per year for out-of-state students and would also be matched dollar for dollar by private fundraising, is pitched as a “pledge to quality, value and affordability.” Many probably react with the same instinctive question upon hearing the initiative: “Just how does a tuition hike equate to affordability again?” Ostensibly, higher costs and affordability contradict each other. So is this just political double-talk? Not exactly. Indeed, for few UW students will education be cheaper next year or the coming years outlined in the proposal, but it will remain distinctively affordable for all applicants, especially based on the “value” and “quality” in comparison with any of UW’s peers. All three pledges of this proposal function in tandem and cooperation, and as the quality of this institution improves so does the overall value and affordability in comparison.

Improving access to highdemand courses save even more by enabling students to graduate on time.

As it stands, UW is a worldclass institution—ranked 17th in Academic Ranking of Worldwide Universities—and a top research university, but it is the second-cheapest among Big Ten schools, behind only Iowa. Meanwhile, despite this low-cost, high-caliber educational opportunity, there is still a gap of $20 million in available financial aid and the amount needed. This means students either cannot attend UW, find some alternative method to raise the money or eventually drop out from insufficient support—and these are usually the low-income individuals and families who need this educational asset the most. The initiative improves affordability in addressing this $20 million gap, making the UW education affordable to more people that would otherwise be priced out. Additionally,

families with an income of $80,000 or less would receive a grant reimbursing the cost of the supplemental charge. The $80,000 figure is derived as a median ceiling for the grant based on average UW student family incomes of both instate and out-of-state students, as well as the median family income in Wisconsin. Bear in mind, to be eligible at all the normal FAFSA form must be filled out, so extenuating circumstances for families above the $80,000 threshold would still be taken into account.

Tuition will remain distinctively affordable for all applicants, especially based on the “value” and “quality.”

In addition to making a UW education affordable for more people overall, the initiative would also dedicate a portion of the funds to improving the undergraduate experience and thus the quality of the university overall. Among the proposed ideas, most notable to us is the dedication to making high-demand “gateway” courses more accessible, improving the flawed and insufficient advising system and having more classes taught by the tenuretrack faculty who help make this university so prestigious to begin with. Improving access to these courses would save families money by enabling students to graduate on time, as would improving the state of our advising system. Martin made an important distinction in making clear this initiative was not a response to the gloomy state budget or ailing economy, and also wisely established a student oversight committee Monday to make sure students’ best interests are kept in mind. We salute this proposal as a proactive measure to maintain and improve our university’s overall quality and accessibility. UW will still rest below the median cost among Big Ten schools while providing arguably the best overall experience and education. No, it doesn’t make the education cheaper for all current or potential UW students, but by enabling the improvements to the undergraduate degree, everyone’s experience is enhanced. Martin noted that no initiative will please absolutely every individual or group, but no one is entirely left out to dry when the university’s experience and reputation is enhanced, and this proposal could realistically accomplish that and much more. Educate yourself about the initiative by visiting www.madisoninitiative.wisc.edu.

Things are looking up as the recession ends SEAN MCMASTER opinion columnist

hings are finally looking up. The Dow Jones Industrial is up over eight percent the past month, erasing much of the slide that occurred at the end of January and continued through February. With such an increase, there is little doubt that investments will decline any time soon. States are receiving money from President Obama’s bailout bill, and pretty soon, private investors will be taking up assets as toxic as nuclear waste and turning a profit from them. The country has very nearly pulled itself out of the recession and the world will soon follow. With such good news, unemployment rates will soon be on the decline as small businesses and corporations alike create jobs. There has even been discussion that jobs will be paid based on need, with skill playing a minor role when considering compensation. As government expands, the number of jobs in this sector will also grow; such jobs will ensure the safety and natural rights of all citizens. Such natural rights include free health care, the ability to watch TV through a digital signal, and the Equal Pay Act, which guarantees that everyone in the U.S. is paid a yearly salary of $80,000 regardless of citizenship. We are nearly in a twentyfirst century Renaissance when such rights are protected! To lead us into the Renaissance and new age of prosperity, we have the stellar leadership of President Obama. With his proposed budget, we will finally eradicate debt on both the national and individual level. In fact, debt will soon be outlawed! The social programs outlined will increase the welfare and standard of living of each individual while redistributing the wealth from the undeserving and scheming rich to those who truly need it. These people include individuals who have been at a disadvantage from birth, persons who have suffered unfortunate circumstances, or those

who just prefer an alternative work week where you get weekdays off and work the weekend. Included in the proposed budget is a well-vetted plan for a $1.25 trillion perpetual motion machine which, once started, will provide all of the free green energy required by generations to come. Revenue from the energy produced by this machine will also stimulate the housing market and aid in shifting the aforementioned toxic assets so that lending can once again take place. The end of our economic concerns is certain under the leadership of President Obama. As the world follows us out of the global recession, we are as good as gold. For one, the value of the U.S. dollar has never been stronger. Do not let those “experts” tell you otherwise; the printing of money means there is more money in circulation and therefore there is more money to spend. With many nations backing their own

currency on the good-ole-greenback, they will never suffer negative externalities from the actions of the Treasury Department, but will only proﬁt from the advancement of the U.S. economy out of any recession. For the poor fool who believes anything I wrote in this article, I have only one thing to say: Happy April Fools’ Day! The joke is on you. We, as a nation, have a long way to go. We can no sooner turn nuclear waste into viable potting soil as we can turn debt into proﬁt, and the civilized world will end when income is linked to need instead of skill. Alas, the current situation and the actions of Congress and the president are not just a prolonged April Fools’ joke, nor a disturbing dream from which we will soon awake. Sean McMaster is a junior majoring in biochemistry and mathematics. Please send responses to opinion@dailycardinal.com.

sports 8

dailycardinal.com/sports

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Softball

Football

Hurlers ready for in-state foe Joe Skurzewski THE DAILY CARDINAL

PHOTOS BY LORENZO ZEMELLA/CARDINAL FILE PHOTO

Running back Zach Brown (left) and John Clay (right) will shoulder the load for the Badgers in 2009.

Young backs will anchor Wisconsin ground game By Nico Savidge THE DAILY CARDINAL

After a season in which instability at quarterback forced Wisconsin to rely on its deep roster of running backs, the Badgers will again turn to the ground game in 2009. Despite losing 2008 starter P.J. Hill to the NFL draft, Wisconsin will enter 2009 with a deep core of runners, with sophomore John Clay the likely starter. According to assistant coach John Settle, the Badgers have historically been a team that has relied from strong play on the ground to win, something that will not change this year. “The one thing Wisconsin has always been able to do is run the football,” he said. Clay echoed Settle’s sentiment, saying he was excited about the 2009 season because it would put an emphasis on the running game. “That is why people come to Wisconsin,” Clay said. “[Running backs] are the focal point of the offense —that is what we do: we make the running backs the whole offense.” While Clay, who ran for 884 yards lasy year, is the likely starter for 2009, Settle said junior Zach Brown has been making his case at spring practices for why he should be ﬁrst on the depth

chart. Brown has been making the choice between the two of them as difﬁcult as possible, according to Settle. Both players admitted they have been having some friendly competition for the starting role. “When we see each other out there doing good, we just try to show the other person up in a good way, just trying to ante up the competition,” Clay said. Brown said even though Clay is the likely starter he is looking forSMITH ward to another year at Wisconsin, knowing that he will still see playing time like Clay did while backing up P.J. Hill in 2008. “I am just excited to have another year being able to play football again,” Brown said. “So if I do not get the starting job, [there are] still signs that I will be able to compete.” Brown’s experience – this will be his third year in Wisconsin football, compared to Clay’s two – will prove vital in helping Clay transition to the starting role. He ﬁlled in for an injured Hill in 2007, starting four games, including a

250-yard day against Minnesota which stands as the 10th-best in UW history. “Zach is a veteran,” Clay said. “Knowing that he knows what is going on in the offense, it is easier for me to just go and ask him if I have a question about anything.” Behind Brown is redshirt freshman Erik Smith, a faster, more agile back meant to complement the power of Clay and Brown. Smith may not ﬁt into the classic Wisconsin ground game, but could be very useful on passes or toss plays where speed counts more than the ability to break tackles. “He can bring another dimension to our offense—t’s going to be exciting,” Brown said. Smith caps off a deep and crucial running game that could determine the course of the season. If Clay, Brown and Smith have strong years, the Badgers may be able to overcome possible instability at quarterback to have a strong 2009 season. Settle admitted the running game probably will not be the prettiest to watch, but it will be a strong part of the offense. “We may not have the 60-, 70-, 80-yard runs,” he said. “[But] you have a real good combination of guys back there.”

The Badger softball team (1-3 Big Ten, 11-21 overall) will host the UW-Green Bay Phoenix (1-2 Horizon, 11-11 overall) in an interstate doubleheader at the Goodman Softball Complex Wednesday. Wisconsin comes into the contest having split its last two series with North Dakota and Indiana. The Phoenix recently dropped two of three games to the Cleveland State Vikings, a Horizon League rival. In a lopsided three-game series, Green Bay recorded its victory in a close 1-0 affair, but was outscored 14-3 in the two losses. Badger head coach Chandelle Schulte must manage her pitchers carefully against Green Bay. Last weekend in Bloomington, Ind., junior hurler Letty Olivarez threw 12.2 innings in two games against the Hoosiers, pitching a complete game victory and then relieving senior Leah Vanevenhoven in the ﬁrst inning of game two. “I think sometimes we beat ourselves more than anything,” said Olivarez about her and Vanevenhoven’s pitching this year. Upon returning to Madison, Olivarez worked with the team trainer to prepare her arm for Green Bay. Schulte said that Olivarez could handle the fatigue of one weekend, but Vanevenhoven would have to ﬁll more innings to avoid burning Olivarez out. “If [Olivarez] has to throw two on Wednesday, that is not a good situation,” she said. According to Schulte, sophomore Kristyn Hansen may get some innings in the circle if necessary. Hansen, however, has only thrown 8.1 innings this season, and struggled in her only start against Fresno State on Feb. 28. Wisconsin pitchers will look to shut down the Green Bay junior trio of Melani Niederer, Katie Cooney and Krissy Hanson. The three Phoenix sluggers are the only players on Green Bay’s squad who have batting averages above .300 while playing in a majority of the team’s games. On the season, Green Bay’s team batting average is 65 points lower than that of its opponents. The Badger lineup should expect innings from Phoenix pitcher

Amanda Margelofsky. The senior hurler has the only winning record for Green Bay’s pitching staff at 7-2. All other pitchers for the Phoenix have a combined record of 4-9. Badger sophomore Jennifer Krueger will look to carry recent success into Wednesday’s doubleheader. The Portage, Wis., native has come through as the Badgers’ leadoff hitter. Against Indiana, Krueger scored four of Wisconsin’s seven runs in the two games, going 5-for-7 at the plate. “I think, right now, she’s my most improved player,” said Schulte. The coach remarked how having Krueger in the leadoff position creates opportunities for the Badgers’ 3-4-5 hitters. The last time Wisconsin and Green Bay faced off, on Feb. 23, 2008, the Badgers swept a pair of games from the Phoenix, outscoring Green Bay 10-2. Current Badger sophomores Livi Abney and Dana Rasmussen, then freshmen, had important offensive roles in those victories, as well as senior Theresa Boruta. “We’re excited to keep the tradition going,” said Krueger. Despite Green Bay’s inconsistency, Schulte ensures that the team will not overlook Green Bay for other, more formidable future opponents. “We play to our opponent’s level,” she said. “We’re not looking past anything.” Game one will begin at 4 p.m. at the Goodman Softball Complex, with game two slated to start at 6.

LORENZO ZEMELLA/CARDINAL FILE PHOTO

Sophomore outﬁelder Jennifer Krueger leads the Badgers with a .345 batting average.

New virus threat emphasizes sports fan’s dependance on Internet GABE UBATUBA throwing the gabe

y the time you’re reading this, the Internet may very well be completely obliterated by the Conﬁcker virus. Yes, that’s right, no more checking your Facebook, updating your Twitter or chatting with your friends on AIM. All gone. Even worse, the virus has supposedly infected millions of computers, all of which could be linked up to do horrible things in the wrong hands. It’s a mystery as to what the creator wants to do with the virus, but it has the potential to cause some serious problems. But I’m not worried about the

imminent global disaster that we may be dealing with at this very moment. I’m far more terriﬁed of a world where I can’t look up useless sports trivia on a whim. I mean, what if I really needed to know who the 13th overall pick in the 1998 NFL draft was? (Takeo Spikes to the Bengals). Or what if I really needed to compare Oscar Robertson’s 1961-’62 averages to LeBron James’ 2008-’09 numbers? (Robertson: 30.8 points, 12.5 rebounds and 11.4 assists. James: 28.4-7.7-7.4). How could life go on? In a world like that, I just don’t know if there would be any meaning to existence. …OK, I am being a little overdramatic, and Conﬁcker will likely go the course of Y2K and most other potential Internet disasters. However, it got me thinking of how intertwined the Internet and

sports have become, and how both sports fanatics and casual fans alike would handle the Web being completely cut from their lives. Our daily sports habits have changed so dramatically over the past couple of years, and I don’t know if we’d be able to revert back to what once was.

I’m far more terriﬁed of a world where I can’t look up useless sports trivia on a whim.

Take, for example, the Oscar Robertson/LeBron James comparison. Unless a person were to either have an complete reference guide to

all statistics in those years or unless ESPN or a newspaper were to do the comparison that we just happened to watch or read, there’s no way we could easily get to that information that took about 30 seconds to Google. Even something as simple as breaking news would be entirely different. Right now, we can have every update from around the country delivered to us through an email notiﬁcation or a text message. Would we really be able to go back to waiting a day for the latest spring training update or injury report? I would bet it would even be excruciatingly difﬁcult to go back to watching television for our updates. Also, one of the fastest growing hobbies, fantasy sports, would crumble. The hardcore fans would still keep their drafts going, but would the growing fan base really want to continue if they had to log box scores

every day? Maybe for a week, but unless you were really, really into your league and so was everyone else in it, it would be incredibly irritating to keep up with. It’s fascinating to think of how different a few years can make in our lives. The world of sports would be a strange place if we did not have that constant stream of information delivered to us, or if we did not have all of that information at our ﬁngertips. So let’s all hope Conﬁcker has not crashed all computers in the world today, and you’re not stuck having to read this column instead of updating your fantasy team. Is your world crumbling around you because your browser keeps failing to load and you have a fantasy draft today? You probably won’t reach him, but try e-mailing Gabe about it at ubatuba@wisc.edu.

artz!!! Biddy Cent arrives!

OLS!

O APRIL F

dailycardinal.com/aprilfools

Carolyn “Biddy Cent” Martin, UW-Madison chancellor and graduate with a doctoral degree in German literature, stunned fans earlier this week with the release of her debut album to a tumult of controversy. Following her plans to hike tuition steadily over the next several years, Biddy Martin announced she had been spending considerable time over the past several months creating an album that relates her troubled experiences growing up as an impoverished youth.

Rumors suggest she was seen last year ridin’ dirrrty with Dr. Dre in the area of a correctional facility near Ithaca, New York.

The album, You Should Try to Make Money for Yourself, or Become Deceased Attempting to do so, Because Money is What is Really Important Yo, is a consistent journey through a surprisingly disruptive and unfortunate German childhood. From the stellar “At Da Pub,” the ﬁrst single off the album, all the way to the Eminemproduced closer “21 Question Questionnaire on the subject of UW-Madison Servicing Students Bitches,” Biddy proves her lyrical ability by creating vivid lessons from her past and envisioning the future. “We jacked up the budget for New Union South / So I can get dem gold grills shinin’ in my mouth / But we need more money and know y’all got it / your wallet’s lookin’ lonely so just pull it out yo’ pocket,” carries the chorus on the laid-back club anthem “C.H.A.N.C.E.L.L.O.R.” Born Cathy Martin III, in what must be the roughest part of Virginia, Biddy spent most of her childhood living with her grandparents and eight aunts and uncles. With both parents deceased by middle school and receiving little individual attention at home, Biddy began spending most of her time on the streets learning to hustle. She claims she never became involved in illegal activity, and with a lack of proof to support claims made against her, she retains her off-the-street career. But many speculate, especially following this surprising release,

Biddy has remained in contact with homies from her past. Recent behavioral patterns also support this trend. Rumors suggest she was seen last year—prior to her taking the post of chancellor—ridin’ dirrrty with Dr. Dre in the area of a correctional facility near Ithaca, New York, where she worked as provost at Cornell University. Coincidentally, Dre produced over half the tracks on Martin’s release, and the pair have been spotted rolling on 22’s through campus on Biddy’s days off throwing empty bottles of Cristal out of the window. Speculation about a relationship surfaced several times at her latest press conference, but she deﬂected them with references to her sexual orientation and busy schedule. Yet t h e lack of

streets and insufficient experience as a truly dishonest gangsta, comments which now appear as obvious foreshadowing for the subsequent release of YSTMMFY, OBDATDS, BMIWIRIY. Regardless of her ability to hang with the right crew or stay clean, the university should be proud to have a chancellor who is able to release a ballin’ rap album while maintaining her office. As well as displaying the type of stubborn, gangster mindset needed by fixing school fountains so they spout Crunk Juice, threatening Minnesota’s chancellor to a freestyle battle and purchasing spinners for all metro bus lines, Biddy Cent proves to be a legitimate partner in crime both on and off the streets.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

AF3

Ambulances were stationed at the Orpheum Theatre on State Street for days cleaning up the reactions of a theater full of movie-goers.

New experimental ﬁlm dangerously enjoyable In a tragic turn of events last weekend, the screening of director Gustav Pepprik’s new experimental film, “Electric Cucumber,” left dozens dead and many others suffering from brain hemorrhaging. Critic Nicholas Carlson had already warned that the film “[would] blow your mind,” but over 100 people still braved the screening to witness what the fuss was all about. Rather than being treated to an existential look at vegetables, audiences instead literally had their minds blown, leaving not only many grieving family members, but at least one angry custodian. “It’s a disgrace, I tell you,” said Lucius Fox, one of the custodians at the Orpheum Theatre. “These new-fangled directors think they can come in here and put whatever they want on the screen without any regard for common decency or respect of people’s cerebral cortexes!” Fox then grabbed a bottle of Mr. Clean and muttered something about needing to go outside and clear his mind, along with about 50 other people’s. James Ruffalo, a moviegoer who managed to survive the massacre, described the film as “a frenetic mish-mash of images” and cautioned those with epilepsy from seeing the film. “I couldn’t believe what was happening around me,” said Ruffalo. “I haven’t seen this bad of a reaction to a movie since ‘Step Up 2: The Streets’.” Despite many people already promising to file lawsuits, Pepprik

references to hos and bitches on the album (only appearing once in reference herself, “Should I get low / cause Boy you know / I is a pro / at bein’ a ho”) caused many to believe these to be cover-ups. As well as being seen out on the town, she is following the lead of former big guns of the industry like Biggie and 2Pac by recently beeﬁng with the best. Biddy recently handed down complaints to rapper Lil’ Wayne following his eight Grammy award nominations. The attacks aimed at his supposed lack of credibility on the

has remained staunchly supportive of his film. “People told me I was crazy when I was making this film. Sure, I went through four editors and five producers before I could complete the film, but in the end it was worth it,” Pepprik said. “To make a great omelet, you’ve got to crack a few eggs. It just happens that in my case, the ‘eggs’ were the occipital lobes of about 100 unsuspecting human brains.” Not everyone found “Electric Cucumber” to be offensive. Garth Martin, who calls himself a “film snob” (most acquaintances drop the “film” part of it), found the film to be “ironic, like that Alanis Morrisette song.” He went on to chide the film’s critics, claiming they “don’t understand Pepprik’s vision and are quick to judge a director clearly ahead of his time.” Martin then grabbed his soy latte, hopped in his Prius and cranked up the stereo to listen to a band so obscure they didn’t even have a MySpace page. In the end, Pepprik admitted that he may try to make his next film a bit more mainstream. “I stand by the message I was trying to convey with ‘Electric Cucumber,’ but I think I’ll probably try to tone it down for my next outing,” Pepprik said. “I’ll probably stick to typical arthouse fare, perhaps an exercise in scatological fetish or a film of grass growing shot in realtime.” Whatever the case may be, Pepprik has left an imprint on filmmaking and in several people’s cerebellums forever.

Local student fraudulently manipulates online identity to improve pimp game Everyone wants to purport themselves as an appealing figure online, but sometimes the posturing goes too far. This is especially true in the case of UW-Madison student Jeffrey Jackson, who admitted today that he has seen few, if any, of the films he lists in the “Favorite Movies” section of his Facebook profile. Jackson willfully confessed to his online faux pas, but claimed his actions were justified. “I was trying to impress this chick in my film class. Bro, she was so f ’in hot,” said Jackson, who described her as having “an awesome rack” and “major DSLs, bro.” Jackson originally enrolled in Communication Arts 350: Intro to Film so he could just watch movies all day and get credit but soon found

there was more to the course than met the eye. “Dude, have you ever taken a Comm. Arts class? There are so many smokin’ hot chicks, bro. Every dumb sorority bitch takes that class.”

Jackson willfully confessed to his online faux pas, but claimed his actions were jusiﬁed.

As a result, Jackson swiftly changed his Favorite Movies section from “How High” and “Pornos, LOL” to something a bit more classy. Examining Jackson’s profile

quickly yields films a mongoloid such as Jackson could never enjoy. Entries like “Sergei Eisenstein’s early work,” “anything by JeanLuc Godard” and “His Girl Friday” immediately raise red flags, as do contemporary films such as “Sen to Chihiro No Kamikakushi,” a movie which Jackson admits “I have no idea what that film is, man.” If Jackson had known that “Kamikakushi” is actually an anime film known in America as “Spirited Away,” he may have realized the unlikelihood of girls finding him attractive for enjoying that film. Communication Arts professor Bradley Schauer said this kind of deception is more common than many know. “The number of undergraduate males who list ‘The

Notebook’ as one of their favorite ﬁlms is simply staggering,” Schauer said. “Experts advise people to treat Facebook like a resume, but students seem to take it a bit too far.” “If a girl can’t appreciate your love of ‘The Happening,’ then she isn’t even worth it.” Jeffrey Jackson resident douchebag UW-Madison

In the end, Jackson seemed rueful about his decision to engage in such a deception. “That chick didn’t even want to come to the Sig Chi party, man, she totally saw through my

act,” Jackson said, adding that the girl was probably a lesbian anyway. Jackson has learned the error of his way, however, and has promised to modify his movie selection soon. “If a girl can’t appreciate your love of ‘The Happening,’ then she isn’t even worth it,” Jackson said, throwing his North Face on in preparation for another Monday night at the KK. “As long as I’ve got my collar and the champagne bottles poppin’, bitches are gonna be slobbin’ on my knob like corn on the cob.” Jackson was then observed texting a girl to see if she wanted to “cum watch Da Noteookizzle and chill out.” Although Jackson’s Facebook deception may be over, it appears his real-life deception remains strong.

sportz AF4

APRIL F

dailycardinal.com/aprilfools

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Running from the law

All UW backs banned from OP Openacht Pantry, President and CEO of the self-named convenience store Open Pantry, has ﬁled preemptive restraining orders against every Badger running back, both current and former, in an attempt to end the wave of destruction developing over the last past years. In Fall 2007, former Badger running back Lance Smith had a scufﬂe with his girlfriend both inside and outside the all-too convenient corner store. Smith proceeded to steal his girlfriend’s shoes, thus preventing her from purchasing anything from the store due to Open Pantry’s stringent “no shirt, no shoes, no service” policy. She proceeded to walk back in the store, leaving muddy footprints everywhere. “It took several minutes to mop,” Pantry said. Weeks ago, another former Badger back, P.J. Hill, was arrested after crashing into a guardrail at the OP and driving away. He was

OOLS!

eventually arrested at gunpoint and charged with multiple felonies. Addressing the signiﬁcance of the recklessly damaged guardrail, Pantry said, “I made that guardrail from scratch with my bare hands. I’m from New Jersey; we take pride in that kind of thing.” Stipulations of Hill’s bail are that he cannot drink alcohol, and most signiﬁcantly, cannot be in or around Open Pantry. “Part of me is sad about P.J., considering he was our best customer,” said Pantry. “However, it’s a precaution we have to take.” While the wide-ranging restraining orders may be unfair to every running back, only one is publicly protesting. “You’re talking about my lifeblood here. I eat, drink and sleep OP. You mean to tell me I’ve had my last stale meatball sandwich? I’ll believe it when I see it,” said robust former Heisman winner Ron Dayne.

Erin Andrews

Erin’s distractions no longer welcome The UW Athletic Department announced Tuesday it has reached an agreement with ESPN that will ban sideline reporter Erin Andrews from all future sporting events in Madison. Andrews has covered college basketball and college football for ESPN since 2004. She has made several trips to the Madison area, where she has received an extremely warm welcome from players and staff. The student section has also made Andrews’ presence known at basketball games, chanting her name loudly whenever she walks across the Kohl Center floor. However, several events over the past few years have created safety concerns for UW athletics. Director Barry Alvarez said this left him with no choice but to take action. “We thank Erin for her beautiful—uh, I mean excellent coverage of Badger games, but her presence has become far too much of a distraction,” Alvarez said. “I’ve seen several instances where players have tripped over themselves in the middle of a play when they catch a glimpse of her. We cannot allow her to continue to jeopardize their ability to perform in game situations.” At the Kohl Center, Andrews has been regularly paired with announcers Brent Musburger and Steve Lavin. The trio has spent extended time in Madison, including an exclusive icefishing trip with former Wisconsin center Greg Stiemsma. Perhaps these special moments are what caused Lavin to lose his cool when he was told of Andrews’ confirmed ban. “This is an absolute outrage,” Lavin said. “There’s no one who provides sideline coverage quite like Erin in Madison. Who’s going to back me

PHOTO NOT COURTESY OF THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Sideline reporter Erin Andrews will no longer be on the prowl at Badger games after her presence was deemed “distracting” to athletes. up when I make my usual comments about Joe Krabbenhoft like ‘He really has a nose for the ball’ or ‘He just does the little things’? I’m just devastated.” Another person in strong opposition of the ban was Wisconsin head football coach Bret Bielema, who has taken a liking to Andrews during his ﬁve seasons as a member of the Badger coaching staff. “I completely disagree with the University’s decision to ban Erin,” Bielema said. “I already miss seeing her beautiful face, which brings such warmth and optimism to all those around her. Once, she even complimented me on my Iowa Tiger Hawk tattoo. But yeah, I mean, as a team we

just need to move on from this and play Wisconsin football, go 1-0.” Meanwhile, the male student body has not opposed the ban in a civil fashion. Last night, a large group of students rallied outside the Kohl Center protesting. One senior leader kept screaming uncontrollably, “PLEASE! YOU CAN’T TAKE HER AWAY FROM US!” ESPN President George Bodenheimer did not name an ofﬁcial replacement for Andrews, but hinted at the possibility of a combination of Bob Knight and Digger Phelps at basketball games in order to intrigue the female demographic of The Grateful Red.

Football replaced by baseball, gymnastics

PHOTO NOT COURTESY OF THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Heisman trophy winner Ron Dayne expressed his dismay at losing the privilege of dining on the Open Pantry’s ﬁnest delicacies.

Rap star may really know more than Bo Controversy has been buzzing recently in the hood and on the streets of Madison as allegations that 90s reggae and rap star Ini Kamoze has information about UW men’s basketball operations of which head coach Bo Ryan is unaware. In a collection of works published by the self-proclaimed lyrical gangster in 1994, Kamoze stated on a number of occasions that he “knows what Bo don’t know,” though the nature and sensitivity of the knowledge in question is vague at best. Despite the fact that nothing has been made of this claim since it was made over a decade ago, remarks by Ryan at a number of his press conferences since taking the head coaching position at the University of Wisconsin suggest that he is often unaware of who

his opponents are beyond the next one on the schedule. As recently as February 2009, Ryan admitted after a victory over Ohio State that he had “no idea who we [were] playing after Indiana on Thursday.” Similar responses in a number of other interviews have suggested that Ryan only prepares his players for their next opponent and no further. This leaves open the real possibility that anyone with access to a current men’s basketball schedule or UWBadgers. com may in fact know what Bo don’t know, including Kamoze. However, how Kamoze knew he would know more than Bo would know six years before Ryan took the position at Wisconsin, and why he felt the need to flaunt it remains unclear.

After years of outcry, the UW Department of Athletics is ﬁnally giving the students what they want by announcing the return of Division I baseball to Madison. To both provide sufﬁcient funding to the baseball program and satisfy Title IX regulations, the Department of Athletics will drop Wisconsin’s FBS football program, effective immediately. The Athletic Department began a comprehensive review in January when the decision to add baseball along with gymnastics was made. According to Athletic Director Barry Alvarez, the entire department decided it did not like the direction of its football program, and decided it was the sport the university could do without. “Unfortunately, ever since I stepped down as head coach, the football team has been on a downward spiral,” Alvarez said. “The pattern of less wins and more losses each season for [head coach] Bret Bielema was very troubling.”

PHOTO NOT COURTESY OF THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Gymnastics, along with a baseball team will replace Wisconsin’s once storied football program.

Bielema had success during his first season as a head coach, winning 12 games, including a Capitol One Bowl victory, but many fans did not give Bielema credit for his early success because of the presence of Alvarez’s recruits on the team. Since winning 12 games, Bielema won nine and seven in his next two seasons, respectively. According to numerous members of the Athletic Department, it was last season that did in Bielema and the Badgers. The department pointed to a loss to a Michigan squad that won three games all season, a 22-point loss to an unranked Iowa team and a 41-point defeat to Penn State at home as reasons for the football program’s demise. None of these losses, however, were as troubling as the one-point victory Wisconsin notched at home over Cal-Poly of the FCS. Bielema’s team needed three missed extra points by the Mustangs and an overtime to defeat Cal-Poly, who would lose by two touchdowns to Weber State the following weekend. When Bielema was told of the Athletic Department’s decision, he pointed to wins over Akron and Marshall last season, but it was not enough to save his program. According to reports, Bielema desperately guaranteed a win over Wofford next season as a last-ditch attempt to preserve football at UW. The decision now leaves the entire program, including players, in flux. Most players will either transfer or remain at Wisconsin and compete on the newly developed club football team, which will begin play this fall. Bielema was asked to remain as head coach for Wisconsin’s club football team, but it was reported that he is also contemplating an offer to return to Iowa, his alma mater, as a graduate assistant to the football team. As for Wisconsin baseball, the squad will play its first Division I contest since 1991 in spring of 2010. Home games will be at Camp Randall Stadium, and the popular song “Jump Around” will be performed at the seventh inning stretch of home games. The baseball team, which will start from scratch, is reportedly considering former Brewers manager Ned Yost, Brewers hitting coach Dale Sveum and broadcaster Bob Uecker as managerial candidates.