Wednesday, April 1, 2009 - The Daily Cardinal

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LS! O O IL F APR Guy occupying weight bench at SERF ‘Not leaving anytime soon’ STUDENT LIFE

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University of Wisconsin-Madison

“If you say FML one more time I’ll shatter your tibia” OPINION l PAGE 7C

SHARAPOVA ACCEPTS TAYLOR’S HAND Ex-player once thought insane is vindicated by tennis star’s agreement to wed SPORTS

Complete campus coverage since 1892

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dailycardinal.com/aprilfools

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Wednesday, April 1, 2009

BUDGET WOES: Cuts to claim ‘living’ dean of students position

‘Don’t make me pull this bus over young man’

Berquam to be replaced by Liaison OutReach Instigator humanoid

MIKE LECKRONE band dictator

Citing the need for real, sustained solutions to UW-Madison’s budget woes, university officials announced Tuesday that, effective at semester’s end, Dean of Students Lori Berquam will be replaced by a state-of-the-art, forum-hosting automaton. The Liaison OutReach Instigator (L.O.R.I.) has more than 50 points of articulation, realistic silicone skin and the ability to manipulate and encourage the most reluctant of forum participants. She has a vocabulary of more than 100,000 pre-programmed phrases—all of which are composed by using simple verbs and prepositions to link various synonyms encouraging faculty-student collaboration. “ T h a n k — yo u — f o r — a t t e n d i n g — this—gathering,” L.O.R.I. said to a student focus group at a pilot forum last month. “I look forward to receiving your input and giving feedback for discussion of cooperative brainstorming to spread awareness and team up for collaborative support assistance teamwork forum.” The university recognized the loss of human agency as a significant setback to the Offices of the Dean of Students, but The state budget and continuing economic difficulties have forced the university to replace argued that what L.O.R.I. lacks in inde- Dean of Students Lori Berquam with the less-sensitive, automaton model L.O.R.I. pendent thought and emotion, she more than makes up for in reach. With her L.O.R.I. also boasts an 80 GB MP3 hard L.O.R.I. are remarkable,” Vice Chancellor wireless capabilities, the dean-in-waiting drive, a 12-inch DVD/Blu-ray display and a for Administration Darrell Bazzell said. has already joined and can instantaneously built-in Breathalyzer so she can monitor the “She even has a database of hundreds of operate on social networking sites Facebook, student drinking culture while patrolling hotlines, websites and bulleted tips catered MySpace, Twitter, Friendster, LinkeDin, State Street on weekends. l.o.r.i. page 2 Hi5, Classmates, Xanga and Skyrock. “The technological capabilities of

Study: Girth of Daily Cardinal more satisfying than its competitors’ A recent study finds that Madison newspaper readers feel “more satisfied” after 15 minutes with The Daily Cardinal than its competing area papers. The study, completed this March by the Partnership of Outstanding Newspapers (POON), found that during those special moments immersed in journalistic ecstasy, girth is more important than length to Madison readers. “Readers admitted society puts too much emphasis on length of a publication, saying they favored a wider product instead.”

Readers are much more likely to be pleased by the wider Cardinal than its lengthier counterparts, the study says.

“We’ve always sought to please our readers and thought we did well, but you never know when readers are just faking it to be nice,” the Cardinal said in a press release. “It’s nice to have this validation, and frankly, hearing the news gets us up and ready to please our readers again—it really excites us.” More than 70 percent of surveyed read-

ers admitted society puts too much emphasis on length of a publication, saying they favored a wider product instead. POON President Patricia J. Sneade said she has seen more and more newspapers opting for a wider product to offer their customers, even on the national level. “Take the Chicago Tribune, for instance,” Sneade said. “When they quit worrying about their length, just relaxed and accepted a wider frame, customer satisfaction soared.” UW student Thibaut Bussière wasn’t surprised by the results, but he was confounded by other papers’ efforts to actually appear thinner. “I find the Cardinal enjoyably penetrating on a consistent basis, if they opted for a thinner approach I’m sure it would leave me wanting,” he said. “Hopefully other papers will stop beating themselves up to look longer and thinner; it’s a losing situation for everyone involved.” Other area papers declined to comment. Readers who have read the competing papers for periods of longer than four hours are advised to consult a physician.

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K guys, let’s try this one more time. We’ve got a full tank of gas, “Varsity” blasting on the radio and an open road ahead of us. If we can all simply act like adults, we shouldn’t have any proble— HEY! What are you doing back there? Is that summer sausage? Put that down! Oh, you’re going to eat it? Well, how about eating it normally please, perhaps with a bun and some yellow mustard. Or maybe Dijon, if that’s your thing. Yessir, a brat with some Dijon mustard would really hit the spot right now, maybe at the next rest stop we can ch— WOAH WOAH WOAH! What’s in that water bottle? Water is not dark brown, Jamie. Are you kids shirking your duties to the UW again? I’m about to pull this bus over! For Pete’s sake, can’t we have a simple six-hour bus ride without any disruptions? Back in the day the band was the model of good behavior. And we didn’t have any of these fancy coach buses either. No sir, we were crammed four to a seat in an old school bus that smelled like vomit. Now that I think about it, this bus is starting to smell like vomit too. One of these days, I’m going to show these kids the discipline they really need, or my name isn’t “Iron Mike” Leckro— SAMUEL! Where do you think you’re going? I told you once already, we are NOT using the bathroom on the bus, we are waiting until a rest stop. I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to hold it. You guys think it’s a good idea to turn bathroom privileges into some sort of perverted game? Well so do I! It’s called “let’s all wait to use the bathroom until we’ve gotten off the gosh-darn, pea-picking bus because it’s the only place where you damn tubas won’t make people suck on sex toys to gain admission into the damn john!” Sounds like a fun game right? Almost as fun as “Let’s not drink before, during and after the games, instead relying on our own spirited enthusiasm to entertain the crowd!” That’s another great one. Things used to be different. The footband page 2

ASM committee approves thing The Associated Students of Madison moved one step closer to approving that thing after that thing was endorsed Monday by ASM’s Thing Approval Subcommittee. The thing was the subject of extensive debate, with fans and opponents of the thing arguing until midnight in ASM’s new Thing Discussion and Deliberation Annex. Pro-thing advocates argued that the thing would allocate more stuff thing page 2

“…the great state University of Wisconsin should ever encourage that continual and fearless sifting and winnowing by which alone the truth can be found.”


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