Thursday, September 29, 2022

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Interview with Duckwrth

UniverCity Year program finalist for national community engagement award

The University of Wisconsin–Madison’s UniverCity Alliance organization was recognized last week for its exemplary work by the Association of Public and LandGrant Universities (APLU).

Multiple Madison offcampus apartments to raise prices

With October around the corner, many University of Wisconsin-Madison students are evaluating whether to resign their leases, but with an added wrench thrown in — price increases. Several apartments told residents in recent weeks prices for the next leasing year will be higher, with inflation as a cause.

The Roundhouse apartments informed some residents their rents would be higher in the next leasing term as “costs [are] dramatically rising for everything and everyone,” forcing them to raise rents.

UW student Mallory Auth, whose four-bedroom apartment in the Roundhouse will increase by $255 per month, said the higher prices pushed her not to resign for next year.

“[My roommates and I] were already on the fence about resigning for next year,” Auth said. “But once we got that letter in the [mail] saying the price would increase by $255, that really sealed the deal for us.”

“It’s definitely not a ordable,” Auth added.

Another Roundhouse resident, Ciboney Reglos said management gave an option for

rent credits, but that was the extent of their e orts to mitigate impact on students.

CHT Apartments, which operates the Roundhouse, declined to comment.

Reglos, whose two bedroom apartment will increase by $150 a month, said many of her friends reported higher costs too.

“I’ve talked to people in Park Place, the James, any of those downtown premium apartments, and this seems to be a really widespread thing,” she added.

Some residents of The Hub, a flagship luxury apartment near campus, reported a 20% increase in their rent for the 2023-24 leasing term.

The Hub’s management team cited inflation as a reason for the soar in rental prices.

“Hub Madison understands and empathizes with the challenges residents are facing with rising rents throughout our area and around the country,” management said in a statement to the Daily Cardinal. “The terms of a lease are for the timeframe specified in a lease and once the lease ends, the new rental rates are determined by the market conditions. There are a variety of factors that determine rental rates including inflation and the costs of goods and services. Residents with questions or

concerns are encouraged to reach out to our o ce.”

District 4 Alder Mike Verveer said he is disturbed by landlords increasing their rental prices. Verveer cites inflation as a reason for the soar in rental rates but believes the reported increases are unreasonable.

“I do hope that landlords are not taking advantage of their tenants and future tenants by proposing outrageous increases a year from now,” Verveer said. “Double-digit rent increases proposed across the board for leases beginning in August 2023 … I think that is really outrageous.”

Verveer wishes the city could do more to regulate rental rates but blames the state legislature for outlawing rent control in the 1970s.

Auth acknowledged inflation was most likely the reason for the increased prices but she said that either way, the nature of Madison’s housing market advantaged landlords and allowed them to fix prices at the expense of students.

“I think that college towns in general, [and college apartment buildings have] an advantage of being able to charge pretty much whatever price they want, because they know that students need to find housing,” Auth said.

UniverCity Year’s submission to the APLU was based on a case study of their work in Green County. The Green County initiative lasted from 2017 to 2020 and involved 288 UW–Madison students and 27 faculty members across nine schools. It included 50 projects across all sectors, combatting issues like the opioid crisis, food deserts, rural healthcare and more.

The APLU named the program one of four regional winners of its W.K. Kellogg Community Engagement Awards, deeming it the most impactful organization across the land-grant universities in the North Central region’s twelve states. The UniverCity Alliance will compete against the Universities of Georgia, Vermont and Texas at Austin for the C. Peter Macgrath Community Engagement Scholarship Award.

The recipient will also be awarded a statue and $20,000 to further their mission of community development. The other three universities will receive $5,000.

In 2015, the award was given to the organization’s flagship program UniverCity Year which began with a sustainability partnership with the city of Monona. Since then, over 1,500 students have engaged with 20 communities across the state of Wisconsin, completing over 200 projects that address issues like child care in La Crosse, tourism infrastructure in Egg Harbor and environmental preservation for Koshkonong Creek.

Chancellor Jennifer Mnookin said UniverCity Year “embodies the

Wisconsin Idea,” which states the e ects and benefits of education should extend far beyond the university campus. UniverCity Year allows students to directly apply their skills and knowledge in communities across the state, benefiting Wisconsinites and Badgers alike.

UniverCity Alliance also provides students with the opportunity to do field research in a number of disciplines, from sociology and economics to environmental sciences, while working on these projects. This allows students to advance their education in the field in order to better understand and serve their communities in the future.

Gavin Luter is the managing director of UniverCity Alliance and holds a Ph.D. in educational administration. He said UniverCity Year “pulls students into the Wisconsin Idea by helping them apply their course content to projects relevant to Wisconsin communities,” and allows them to make the world a better place through the application of their own ideas and skills.

Luter expressed that the award gave validation that the department’s strategic model was working. Since the program was experimental, the award also demonstrated that “the impacts we’re seeing in the communities we work with are legitimately exciting, even from afar.”

UniverCity Alliance sponsors a number of other programs outside of UniverCity Year, including resources for community improvement and trainings that encourage civic engagement. Luter encouraged those interested to attend their next training, focused on explaining cities and municipal government, at Memorial Union at 4:30 p.m. on Oct. 12.

“…the great state University of Wisconsin should ever encourage that continual and fearless sifting and winnowing by which alone the truth can be found.”

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Workforce expected to shrink

Wisconsin is estimated to lose 130,000 residents of prime work ing age by 2030 as young people move away from the state, accord ing to a study from last Wednesday.

The study from Forward Analytics, the Wisconsin Counties Association’s research arm, examined data from fed eral income tax returns and the U.S. Census to analyze Wisconsin migration patterns.

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Researchers found Wisconsin lost 106,000 more families whose head of household was younger than 26 than it gained between 2012 and 2020.

If current migration trends con tinue, Wisconsin will have 130,000 fewer workers between the ages of 25 and 64 by 2030. That’s not enough young workers to replace the large baby boomer population expected to retire in the coming years, according to the study.

“Attracting and retaining these young people is criti cal for Wisconsin,” Forward Analytics director Dale Knapp said. “It would also help long term, as many of these young adults will soon be starting a family and raising the next gen eration of workers.”

Wisconsin’s ‘brain drain’ continues

The decline in Wisconsin’s workforce is not a new issue.

Net migration into the state decreased by almost a third between 2002 and 2012, and by 75% since the 1990s.

“This is a demographic thing that we’ve known is going to be happening for quite some time,”

Dennis Winters, chief economists for the Wisconsin Department of Workforce said. “Like I say — every hour, y’all get an hour older, and that’s not going to change.”

So, where are residents going? The study suggests Wisconsin is losing families to states with warmer climates or lower income taxes, such as Florida or Arizona.

One third of the lost families moved to neighboring states, and the other two-thirds went to states beyond Wisconsin’s borders, including California, Washington and New York.

However, of the third who moved to neighboring states, 43% were headed for either the Twin Cities or Chicago. Those findings align with a Washington Post analysis from earlier this month that found Wisconsin was expe riencing a “brain drain” of highly educated students moving away to metropolitan areas for better job opportunities.

Winters said the decline in workers may be contributing to shortages in “just about every occupation. Teachers and nurses and daycare providers and weld ers, you know, pretty much across the gamut.”

Tech industry career opportu nities are a microcosm of the issues a ecting Wisconsin’s declining workforce, according to a study released by the Tech Councils of North America earlier this year. However, the state recorded a 0.9% increase in tech jobs during the two-year period following the peak of the pandemic and 6.6% overall in the year ending in April, the study found.

Despite Madison’s growth, tech hubs San Jose and Boulder still account for around 43% of American tech sector jobs. Madison accounts for approximately 7%.

The Forward Analytics study,

however, indicates that residents who leave Wisconsin as they begin to build their career often return when they wish to build a family.

“Wisconsin gains a surprising number of residents from [states like California, Arizona and New York],” the study said. “The aver age family size of those moving here was at least 10% greater than those leaving Wisconsin, consis tent with young families returning to the state.”

Wisconsin will unlikely be able to match the tech sector employment opportunities or mild climate of the West Coast. However, Knapp thinks the state should instead capitalize on its family-friendliness.

“This study shows that the state can build on its reputation of good schools, low crime, and great out door amenities to attract families headed by those in their 30s and 40s,” he said.

Sellery laundry back to pre-renovation prices

During the first two weeks of school at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, residents of Sellery Residence Hall received laundry free-of-charge due to technological problems, but now prices are back to pre-renovation prices, according to UW Housing.

When Sellery renovations started in May 2020, incoming students received free laundry throughout the whole year to compensate for the construction.

“Last year, Sellery residents had to use a temporary, make shift laundry room on the first floor while we renovated this area of the basement,” UW Housing spokesperson Brendon Dybdahl told the Daily Cardinal. “Because of the inconve nience, we gave Sellery residents free laundry.”

UW Housing did not intend to make laundry free for Sellery residents during the 2022-23 academic year because the base ment laundry room is now complete, Dybdahl said.

“None of our messages about Sellery for this school year

promised free laundry,” Dybdahl said. “However, we think some of our staff may have mistakenly talked about it during SOAR to a few groups, thinking it would be offered again like it was last year.”

Last week, Sellery residents received an email from Residence Life Assistant Director Beth Miller informing students of a laundry credit of $45 to compensate for the confusion.

“$45 is the average amount students spend on laundry in a semester, so that’s how we determined a fair dollar amount for the credit,” Dybdahl added.

Third floor resident and UW student Nick Zimmer appreci ates the credit but still does not feel it’s enough.

“Despite the top three floors being renovated, a majority of current residents are dealing with the same issues that last year’s residents dealt with,” Zimmer said. “It’s only fair to receive the same benefits.”

This year, students living in Sellery received a discount on their housing bill based on which floor they live on. Renovated rooms received a $200 annual benefit, unrenovated rooms received $300 and floors that will be renovated mid-semester will receive an extra $100.

Despite these housing efforts, some students are still frus trated about paying for laundry.

“It doesn’t make sense we don’t have free laundry as a com pensation because we don’t have air conditioning like they did last year,” said Laura Porter, a fourth floor resident. “The construction dust is so bad that it swells my eyes shut, mainte nance won’t stop setting off the fire alarms, the elevators break 24/7 and the rooms are so disgusting.”

“If you compare it to Witte, it’s not fair that we have to pay,” Porter continued.

Erika Klein, a UW-Madison student living on the tenth floor, reiterated this sentiment.

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“We don’t have common rooms, we don’t have a kitchen, we don’t have a basement — we have loud construction that wakes us up around nine in the morning, every morning,” Klein said. “Plus we’ve been having constant fire drills, and the fire alarms on the renovated floors aren’t even working. Free laundry would be a good compensation.”

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Q&A: Kasey Keeler talks ‘Mapping Dejope’

Kasey Keeler is an Assistant Professor of Civil Society & Community Studies and American Indian Studies at the University of Wisconsin-Madison’s School of Human Ecology.

Keeler’s upcoming digital proj ect, “Mapping Dejope: Indigenous Histories and Presence in Madison,” is an interactive map ping experience that aims to edu cate community members about the Ho-Chunk history of the land UW-Madison occupies.

Keeler sat down with the Daily Cardinal to discuss how her Native identity has informed her research, the collaborative nature of “Mapping Dejope” and her hopes for its impact.

This conversation has been editedforclarityandbrevity.

What originally led you to your research on the Ho-Chunk com munity in Madison?

I am from the Twin Cities of Minnesota, and I am a Native woman – I’m Tuolumne Me-Wuk and Citizen Potawatomi. As a Native woman whose homelands are located outside of Minnesota, being raised in the Twin Cities, I was always learning about Ho-Chunk histories and Ojibwe histories because those are the com munities of the places that I grew up in. I’ve always had this inter est in indigenous histories of place and knowing the peoples whose homeland I occupied. That’s some thing that I also studied in graduate school and thinking about who has access to di erent places.

When I came to the University of Wisconsin as a faculty mem ber in 2018, that was my in-depth exposure into learning about the Ho-Chunk histories of this place — of Dejope, that I now call home. We’ve lived for two and a half years now under the pandemic, so the

“Mapping Dejope” project is a way for me to think more about that history, and to make that history more accessible to other people who are also interested.

Can you give a brief overview of “Mapping Dejope”?

“Mapping Dejope” is a way to make the Ho-Chunk and Native history and presence of this area on and around campus more acces sible to folks who are wanting to learn about it. “Mapping Dejope” will be a series of digital tours.

When the project began, myself and my project team members, who I invited to join this proj ect from across American Indian Studies and Geography, identified a long list of places we wanted to highlight on the map. Part of the accessibility is having this digital map be 50 minutes long so that people can take the map and do the tour during a class period [and] so faculty and sta can use it. But we also want that accessibility to be for people who are just dip ping their toe into Ho-Chunk and Indigenous histories and com munity, and we felt 50 minutes was something really tangible. It isn’t something where people are really obligated to commit a sig nificant amount of time. With a list of places we want to highlight, we morphed from one digital tour into a series of tours.

In November, we’re hoping to release the first and initial digital tour. Then, with additional fund ing, we’ll continue working on the next series of maps next summer and into the fall as well, so we can include all of these sites that we want to highlight. Then, all of the digital tours will be organized thematically.

The first digital tour we’re ten tatively planning to call “The Grounding Tour” because it is the central part of campus. It o ers a grounding for faculty, sta , and stu

dents and visitors during the tour to the Ho-Chunk in particular. Other tours we envision being organized thematically by like, the water, or the museum’s material culture here on campus, or Native presence. So the real, real contemporary stu

This this digital mapping series, “Mapping Dejope,” is a way for again, faculty, sta , students and community members to learn some of this really important his tory that for so long has been bur ied in books and maybe not acces sible unless you were taking spe cific classes or had access to some of the archival materials, or some of that more in-depth knowledge. This is a way to expose people much more early on when they arrive here at UW and to hopefully get people interested in taking seri ously the Ho-Chunk and Native history here.

Tell me about the collaborative aspect of “Mapping Dejope.” What did the process of working with these collaborators look like?

As a scholar whose research is really invested in place and think ing about Indigenous histories of place, I’m excited to think more critically about this area on cam pus. My colleagues in American Indian Studies have similar exper tise and interests, so early on, I reached out to Sasha Suarez, a fac ulty member in American Indian Studies and History. She’s White Earth Ojibwe — she also grew up in Minneapolis. I also reached out to Jen Rose Smith, who is Alaska Native and grew up in Alaska. They both arrived here on campus, I think, the first year of the pan demic, and I shared with them my idea for this project. They’re both really interested in mapping and critical critiques of mapping.

As Native women, they were also really eager to join this proj ect, so we could all three think about this new place that we call

home as Native women. We knew that we had the skills to be able to do some of the historical work and reach out to community members as Native people, but we didn’t have any sort of mapping or car tography skills.

Jen Rose Smith is a faculty member in American Indian Studies but also Geography, so she was able to put us in touch with Robert Roth. He’s a faculty member in Geography who has been so helpful in thinking about how we actually create a map — a digital map at that. He brought on board a graduate student, Gareth Baldrica-Franklin.

Rob and Gareth have been really instrumental in guiding us through what the map-mak ing process looks like, but also incorporating research because we are scholars. We have sub mitted an IRB, the Institutional Review Board, for the University of Wisconsin-Madison to also have this be a research project. So for example, my class and Professor Suarez’s class will be evaluating this digital map in terms of the content, and how do we make it better? How does it compare to other digital maps that focus on Native histories?

There have been two other folks working on the digital map as well that I want to give credit to. That would be Kendra Greendeer. She is a Ho-Chunk graduate student here at the University of Wisconsin, and she’s in Art History. And also Molli Pauliot, who is a Ho-Chunk student here in Anthropology.

They have been contributing to the map all summer by providing feedback and really providing this important cultural communitybased lens for us to think about, especially as we’re thinking about how we acknowledge the mounds that are on campus. The destruc tion of mounds, as non-Ho-Chunk project members, is not something for us to necessarily navigate. So they’ve been really great in pro viding some really important feedback in cultural and commu nity perspectives for us as well. We know that as graduate stu dents, they transition into lots of other roles. So we’re hoping that they stay involved in some capac ity. And if not, I’ve already got some feelers out for some other Ho-Chunk students and Native students to be involved in the com ing years as well.

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COVID-19 booster, flu shots available for UW students, sta

Starting yesterday, both the flu shot and the recent FDAapproved Pfizer COVID-19 boost ers are available for faculty, sta and students of the University of Wisconsin-Madison.

The updated COVID-19

boosters provide immunization and protection against a vari ety of COVID-19 strains. All employees and students may receive the booster as long as they received their latest boost er or the secondary dose of their primary vaccination series at least two months prior.

The university is partner ing with VaxPro to adminis ter the vaccinations to both employees and students. Students with SHIP insur ance must schedule and receive their updated boosters through UHS.

Flu shots are also avail able for students at no-cost without proof of insurance. Students and staff who receive the COVID-19 booster may receive the flu shot at the same time. Each must be scheduled individually through VaxPro.

Public health o cials recom mend receiving both the flu shot and the recent COVID-19 boost er. Those who receive both vac cinations at the same time may feel more side e ects: including fatigue, tenderness at the injection site, headaches and possible fever.

“Combining vaccines is not unusual and it is safe to receive the COVID vaccine and the flu vaccine at the same time,”

Dr. Chad Wagner, Associate Medical Director for UHS, explained. “Symptoms [from vaccination] are a result of your body’s immune system start ing up in response to a vaccine and getting prepared to protect them from a future infection.”

Wagner recommended that students recovering from pre vious infections of COVID-19 also receive their boosters.

“It is encouraged to get a COVID-19 vaccine even if you tested positive for COVID-19

previously to be as protected as possible and continue to protect others,” Wagner said. “It is recommended to wait around three months before getting your COVID booster after your previous infection has ended but may be sooner if you have a compromised immune system.”

Wagner also highlighted tac tics students, faculty and sta can do to help minimize the spread of COVID-19 and the flu.

“Following basic hygiene practices and public health guidance — such as wash ing your hands after you use the bathroom, and before and after eating and staying home if you feel ill — helps to mini mize the spread of viruses and help everyone stay healthy,” Wagner explained.

UW-Madison continues to monitor COVID-19 on campus and in the community, work ing with both Dane County and Wisconsin public health officials. Public officials con tinue to recommend that everyone vaccinate against COVID-19, including the most recent booster shots.

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IJTTN: The European Alps

From high peaks to deep val leys, from colorful mountain meadows to dense forests, from wild rivers to gloomy moors — in the European Alps you can find almost any kind of environment. It is by far the largest and high est mountain range in Europe, stretching across the continent from the Mediterranean to the center of Eastern Europe.

Because of the enormous dif ferences in altitude from the valley to the mountain peaks, there are also countless exciting and diverse habitats. The Alps are home to over 30,000 differ ent animal species and 13,000 plant species.

By far the smallest inhabitant of the Alpine region is the “gla cier flea,” which is only 0.04 inches small (Try to show the size with your fingers — almost impossible).

It is a hexapod (an arthropod with 6 legs) found mainly on snow and ice in the Alpine moun tains. There, it is easily recog nizable because of its deep black color. Through various types of sugar, the glacier flea produces a kind of “antifreeze” for itself, which allows it to survive at tem peratures as low as 5 degrees Fahrenheit. However, the animal does not stand heat well at all, as even about 53 F is deadly for it.

You would probably guess gla cier fleas seek out other animals to feed on their blood, but this is not the case. The menu of the small species includes algae or pollen, which is blown from the valleys into the higher areas.

As the smallest animal of the Alps, the glacier flea would get a heart attack if it saw the largest animal of the Alps standing next to it: the brown bear.

This giant can give you quite a scare with its 60 inches and weight of 1,300 lbs. They are only found as solitary animals in the Alps and are rarely sighted. However, due to the increasing impact of humans in its habitat (how surprising — not), it was classified as “endangered” by the Word Wildlife Foundation.

The total population in the Alpine region is estimated at only 45 to 50.

Like almost every environ ment on earth, the Alpine region is struggling from the effects of climate change. The diverse beau ty of the habitat made it a popu lar tourist destination, increasing the impact of people. Since the mid-20th century, the environ ment has steadily deteriorated: water pollution of rivers and lakes, noise pollution, deteriora tion of air quality and the erosion of slopes due to the construction of ski slopes and roads.

One of the biggest problems is rising temperatures, which are caus ing glaciers and snow to melt. This, alongside the thermal expansion of water, is causing sea levels to rise. If you think this only a ects regions near the coast, you are wrong — the impacts go much further.

In 2022, mountain valleys and populated regions around the Alps experienced the worst flood ing and high tides in years. With the air only about 34 F warmer, it can only hold 0.24 fluid ounces. More water can lead to so-called “super rains,” that cause rivers and lakes to overflow. This year, Austria in particular was badly affected by floods.

But why are glaciers so impor tant for our climate in the first place? As previously mentioned, the weather is strongly influenced when the air is warmer as the air can’t store more water, causing it to rain more often and heavily. Besides this point, the so-called “albedo effect” also plays a large and important role.

The albedo effect describes the ability of surfaces to reflect sun light and its heat. Light colored surfaces return a large part of the sun’s rays back to the atmosphere (high albedo), whereas dark col ors absorb the light of the sun (low albedo). Glaciers can reflect almost 90% of the sun’s rays back into space, and thus protect us and our planet from overheating.

Our newfound friends, the gla cier flea and the brown bear, are also suffering greatly from the effects of glacier melt. Their natu

Termites in a warming world

Climate change in the anthro pocene has a profound nega tive impact on everything from humans to octopi all around the globe. Warming temperatures cause heatwaves and drought, while severe storms ravage our coasts. Our ever-warming planet, however, is experienc ing an unexpected benefit to the enemies of wooden houses everywhere: termites.

Termites — which are actu ally a specialized type of cock roach — live on every continent besides Antarctica and are a vital part of the natural world. Described as “soil engineers” by researcher Pascal Jouquet in the European Journal of Soil Biology, termite activity a ects all mem bers of their ecosystem, from the smallest microbes to the largest elephants. Their domain, called the “termitosphere,” comprises a

large part of the soil column. The termitosphere intersects with the domain of the humble earth worm, delightfully referred to as the “drilosphere.”

Jouquet detailed how termite activity in the termitosphere a ects the amount of water retained in the soil and changes the soil structure, increasing vegetation growth and cover.

Termites even a versity of animals in their community. Their mounds provide and shelters animals in times of drought and scarcity, protecting organ isms from local extinction.

Above all, ter mites are impor tant decomposers. Feeding on dead plant rial including wood and leaf lit

ter, the impact of termites is espe allowing termites to e ciently pose natural materials through

Historically, ter mite range has been limited by temperature and humidity.

According to a new study from Amy Zanne and her international team of researchers, climate change may increase ter mites’ range significantly as

Termite wood discovery, where termite colonies locate a new resource, and consump tion are heavily dependent on temperature. Zanne’s team

found that discovery increased dramatically with tempera ture, increasing over seven times per 10 degree Celsius increase in temperature. Overall, discovery was great est, but highly variable, at low latitudes and elevations where temperature and precipitation were high. The same pattern was also observed in reverse, where discovery was west in cool, temperate biomes.

Zanne’s team’s research esti mates termite expansion could increase by 50% from 2041 to 2060 based on current climate predictions. This expansion will a ect carbon cycling and wood decomposition in ways we will continue to study in the future.

Termites, however, may become a new threat — or boon — to many tropical ecosystems in the coming years. Termites are here to stay.

ral habitat is being destroyed as a result and they will have to move to areas closer to humans, where the brown bear, for example, will
be hunted. For us humans and our friends, large and small, it is crucial that we do something to
assure regions of the Alps do not have to suffer because of cli mate change – or better said – of human behavior.
PHOTO COURTESY OF CREATIVE COMMONS PHOTO COURTESY OF CREATIVE COMMONS PHOTO COURTESY OF CREATIVE COMMONS
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GRAPHIC BY JENNIFER SCHALLER 4 Thursday, September 29, 2022 dailycardinal.com

Madison rent surges, housing shortages

Ogg, Smith, Dejope and Kronshage among others. It also expanded into the Lowell Center, an event facility previously used as a campus hotel, to accommodate the hundreds of more students seeking campus housing. This year was no exception.

To many incoming students at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, concerns include moving away from home, enrolling in classes and dis covering career paths. However, recent trends in Madison have made student housing a significantly more stressful ordeal.

The start of the 2022-23 academic year marked, yet again, a recordbreaking number of new students. The university welcomed 8,600 new freshmen — on top of 1,600 trans fer students. The largest number of new students in UW-Madison his tory put a conceivable strain on the limited university housing options.

As many returning students have grown accustomed to, leasing apart ments in Madison starts early. Some apartments are already filled, with many others nearing capacity. The big surprise of the 2023-24 leasing year, however, is the immense price upsurge adopted by nearly every Madison campus-area apartment complex. Some apartments have increased by around 20%, adding hundreds more onto student costs.

Finding an a ordable apartment in the Madison area is becoming increasingly di cult. A one bed room apartment in Madison costs $2,508 more than the national aver age per annum, a sobering reality in a town where the minimum wage

matches the federal minimum of $7.25 an hour.

The issue is largely based on sup ply and demand. As more students continue to flood the university and its surrounding area, the market becomes tighter and prices continue to rise. Another issue is the limited space for development. The city of Madison sits between the two lakes of Mendota and Monona, constrain ing housing development to the east and west exclusively.

Regardless of the causes, one e ect is clear: UW-Madison students will continue to bear the burden.

University Housing

With each passing year, incoming freshmen and other students relying on university housing services have been given fewer options and more incentives to live o -campus.

The housing crisis surpasses not receiving an o er from your pre ferred dorm. There is increasing worry among students that they will have to live in less than ideal situa tions or be forced into finding o campus housing.

As class sizes continue to grow, UW-Madison has strug gled to accommodate students in on-campus housing.

Last year, the university increased its usage of triples and quads through out numerous dorms like Witte,

The Lowell Center continues to house over 300 residents, and triples and quads — and even sex tuples — dominate several build ings’ floor plans.

Additionally, returning housing residents received multiple o ers to cancel their contracts. In May,

Housing residents were o ered further incentives to vacate their assigned rooms. If returning resi dents could find o -campus hous ing, they could cancel their housing contracts and receive $5000 in credit applied to their student accounts. Another incentive o ered was the opportunity to move to a two-bed room apartment in Eagle Heights instead, where residents could stay rent-free and parking-inclusive for the academic year. Both incentive packages also included five free din ing hall meals a week.

which University Housing follows, so no new information is expect ed on residence hall construction until 2025.

Mi in, Camp Randall and the “Sophomore Slums”

Housing trends in the campus area of late have put low to middle income students under pressure. Past reporting by the Cardinal has shown how challenging it can be for students to find adequate hous ing. Whether it is the high rent, or the inability to join leases with friends who can a ord more expen sive housing, some students have limited options.

A rise in rent for students that find themselves in these situations can be devastating.

returning residents received emails encouraging them to break their contracts and find housing o -cam pus. Students were o ered a refund on their advance payment if they canceled their contracts. The first 300 students to cancel were also o ered a free dining meal plan val ued at $3,800.

In June, returning University

When rolling out the new set of incentives in June, UW Housing cited concerns about expanded spaces not meeting demands, and a lack of su cient cancellations in May. Despite these capacity con cerns, there is no plan currently to develop new housing facili ties. Every 10 years the university develops a master campus plan,

There is also the issue of a lack of options. A large number of stu dents in the low to middle income bracket find themselves living in neighborhoods colloquially referred to as “sophomore slums.” While the neighborhoods included in this moniker are not slumlike by any means, they provide a very di er ent experience compared to luxury apartment complexes found in cen tral campus locations. Properties in this region are old, and new devel opments in the campus area tend to prioritize luxury apartments. Apartments that the average student simply cannot a ord.

This leaves students trapped in a situation where they cannot really look for better alternatives even when the rent rises, creating an environment where predatory property manage ment can take advantage of students.

Readmore@dailycardinal.com

America’s federal minimum wage needs a change

The American workforce has seen its great share of highs and lows in the last decade. With the economy being extremely volatile, man ically increasing and drasti cally decreasing rather quickly — a change to the federal mini mum wage has gone silent.

Over the past decade, the federal minimum wage has been stagnant at $7.25 an hour, 54% lower than the minimum wage in 1968 adjusted for infla tion. Even as inflation and worker productivity have risen, the minimum wage is $14.25 less per hour than what it should be to remain in conjunction with these economic measures.

For far too long we have sat back and let this stagnation of wages lead to an increase in poverty and income inequality. American politicians allowed the purchasing power of those making the federal minimum wage to diminish, which has declined 18% as of 2021. In other words, those making the federal minimum wage have less of an ability to make the same purchases they would have made years ago.

This is absolutely terri ble for the middle and lower classes, and needs to change. If citizens who make mini mum wage are barely able to afford basic necessities, they will need to further rely on

the government for assistance. Instead of a $7.25 an hour mini mum wage, the federal govern ment needs to raise this stan dard to $15 an hour, further working in conjunction with worker productivity levels and inflationary measures.

Even in today’s politically divisive climate, the federal gov ernment has the ability to make this change, and has shown promise to do so in the past.

From 1938 to 1968, Congress was able to change the mini mum wage to reflect increas ing worker productivity at the time. At its highest point, the minimum wage was $12 per hour, adjusted for inflation. Had Congress continued to increase the minimum wage in relation to worker productivity, the 2022 minimum wage would be around $21.50 per hour, a fig ure that would give minimum wage workers almost triple their current salaries.

Although, an increase to $15 an hour would absolute ly suffice. According to the Economic Policy Institute, raising the federal mini mum wage to $15 by 2025 will increase the incomes of around 32 million workers by an aver age of $3,300 annually.

A small business daydream or nightmare?

One of the main arguments against raising the minimum wage is the idea that small businesses will have to shell

out more money to their workers without an increase in their cash flow. However, the economics surrounding an increase in the minimum wage could be beneficial for both parties: the small busi ness and worker.

This comes from the idea that if these 32 million work ers were able to make more money, they would have more disposable income to spend at small businesses, there fore generating more income for the business overall. With this disposable income, the Economic Policy Institute esti mated that for every $1 paid to a low-income worker, $1.21 is added back into the gross domestic product (GDP).

While completely theoreti cal, evidence has shown that small businesses could abso lutely benefit from this wage increase, creating lasting, positive effects on businesses across the nation.

Data released in 2014 by the Department of Labor showed 13 states that had raised their minimum wages added jobs at a faster pace than those that did not. This makes sense, as higher wages likely incentivize workers to seek jobs, therefore decreasing unemployment and poverty subsequently along with also decreasing reliance on government assistance.

The federal government needs to act fast to raise the

minimum wage. The cost of living has been increasing dramatically, but low-income workers are already suffering and will continue to suffer in the years to come.

The Economic Policy Institute projected that in 2025, a single adult with no children would need to work full time and make $18.50 per hour to stay above the poverty line in rural areas of Alabama and Mississippi.

For large metropolitan areas like Chicago, that num ber reaches closer to $30 per hour. This means that if the minimum wage is not raised by 2025, there will realisti cally not be an area in our country in which a full-time worker could functionally survive off the federal mini mum wage salary.

So, America, it is time we act like the country we like to think we are. Ask yourself, “How can we call ourselves the greatest country on Earth when our nation’s GDP is four times greater than it was back in 70 years ago, yet we are pay ing our workers less per hour now than in the past?”

These minimum wage workers are the absolute backbone of our country, and if the pain is not alleviated to support them, our American backbone will cease to exist.

Owen Puckett is a sophomore studying Political Science at the UniversityofWisconsin-Madison. Doyouagreethefederalminimum wageshouldbeincreasedtobetter reflect the current economic cli mate? Send all comments to opin ion@dailycardinal.com.

COURTESY OF PHILIP TAYLOR PT VIA CREATIVE COMMONS MUJIB RAHMAN/THE DAILY CARDINAL Cardinal View editorials represent The Daily Cardinal’s organizational opinion.Eacheditorialiscraftedindependentofnewscoverage.
dailycardinal.com Thursday, September 29, 2022 l 5
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sports

Wisconsin Men’s Hockey season preview ahead of opener

As the weather gets colder, it brings with it a new hockey season. The Wisconsin Badgers will look to improve upon last season which saw them finish fifth in the Big Ten with a conference record of 6-171 and an overall record of 10-24-3.

The Badgers will also look to defend their Kwik Trip Holiday Face-O championship, a highlight of their season as they won the two-day tournament in a shootout against Providence last year.

What’s new

The Badger Men’s hockey team features some exciting new members – including freshman Charlie Stramel of Rosemount, Minnesota. Stramel previously played for the United States National Team Development Program (NTDP) where he scored eight goals and eight assists in 18 games with the U-18 team, as well as an additional 13 goals and 15 assists with the U-17 team. Stramel is pre dicted to be a future first round NHL Draft pick.

Another NTDP alum is fresh man Cruz Lucius. Lucius, a Grant, Minnesota native, scored nine goals and nine assists in 23 games, enough to secure himself a fourth round NHL draft selection.

Joining Lucius as an NHL draft selection is Kelowna, British Columbia native Tyson Jugnauth. Jugnauth joins the Badgers from the West Kelowna Warriors of the British Columbia Hockey League (BCHL) where he was awarded top defenseman and first team all-star honors. Jugnauth scored nine goals and a remarkable 41 assists in the 2021-22 campaign.

The Badger bench also wel comes former Badger Andy Brandt back to Madison as an assistant coach. Brandt previously coached at Saint Norbert College where he helped the Green Knights secure the 2018 NCAA Division III National Championship. Brandt also played for the 2006 men’s team which won the NCAA National Championship.

Who returns?

Three Badgers return for their fifth season in the Wisconsin sweat er. These players are Jack Gorniak, Brock Caufield and Dominick Mersch. Gorniak, Caufield and Mersch combined for 17 goals and 27 assists last season. These players will need to serve as leaders while main taining their productivity to spark

the new additions to the team.

Adding to the Badgers NHL tal ent is junior Sam Stange. Stange was drafted in the fourth round of the NHL Draft by the Detroit Red Wings. Last season Stange recorded four goals and seven assists. This season Stange should contribute more to the Wisconsin o ense as he tries to prove his potential to the Red Wings.

Wisconsin also retains goalten der Jared Moe. Moe, a transfer from Minnesota, maintained a 2.87 goals against average last season and made 894 saves. Moe will look to continue being a confident presence in the goal while hoping for more o ensive sup port this season.

Badger head coach Tony Granato returns for his sixth season at the helm of the Badger team. Granato, a former United States Olympic coach, will try to return the Badgers to their 2020-21 Big Ten title-winning form. The new recruits joining the Badgers should provide new opportunities for the Badger coach to hopefully cre ate an exciting atmosphere this year.

Keys to Success

If the Badgers are going to improve upon last year’s abysmal season, they must find a way to cre ate o ense. Last season, the Badgers scored 76 goals, tied for last in the Big Ten. The new additions to the team should bring an element of creativ ity to the Badger o ense – especially upon o ensive zone entry.

Another key to Badger suc cess this season is playing a style that fits the team. Last year, the Badgers’ struggle to find an iden tity hindered their e ciency and potential. It will fall on Granato to find his players’ niches and create a system that embraces each of their unique talents.

Expectations

For this Wisconsin team, improvement is imperative. While a return to the Big Ten championship seems unlikely, a push toward a .500 record would be a good benchmark for progress. With numerous NHL draft picks, and likely a first round choice, the Badgers have the talent to compete in the Big Ten. If the fresh men are able to make immediate con tributions, the Badgers may show case this potential early in the season. However, it will take time to adjust to the NCAA standard of play before the Badgers can be properly judged.

The Badgers begin their season at the Kohl Center on Oct. 2 against Lakehead before traveling to Ohio State for the Big Ten opener on Oct. 7.

Badgers split Big Ten opening weekend 1-1

On Friday night, Wisconsin hosted Northwestern for the Big Ten Conference open er at the UW Field House. Northwestern entered Friday’s game 11-1 facing the No. 6 national ranked Wisconsin Badgers. Wisconsin is com ing off a relatively easy win against Rhode Island from the previous weekend — defeat ing the Rams in three sets. The Badgers looked to begin another win streak.

The two teams went back and forth at the beginning until Wisconsin went on a four point streak with three kills and one block. Northwestern kept themselves close behind but were never able to take the lead. The Badgers tallied 15 kills with only five errors, achieving a .333 hitting per centage while the Wildcats only managed to hit .192 per cent of their total attempts. The Badgers finished the first set with a 25-18 victory.

Northwestern started the second set off strong. They took the lead early 9-5, which included four consecutive Wildcat blocks. Liz Gregorski put down the first service ace of the game, putting Wisconsin down by one. The Badgers went down by three late in the set but fought their way back. They outscored Northwestern 17-4 in the remainder of the second set, including three aces. Two aces came from MJ Hammill and one from Caroline Crawford.

Wisconsin took the sec ond set 25-19 while holding Northwestern to an impres sive zero percent hitting total.

Keeping that momentum in the third set, Wisconsin won 25-22. This was the tightest set but Wisconsin still man aged to maintain control for the duration of the set.

The Badger team contrib uted this to their efforts in practice. After the match, Wisconsin Head Coach

Kelly Sheffield reflected on how well his team handled the high intensity pace of Northwestern.

“One of the things that Northwestern does very well that makes it very challenging is how fast they’re running the tempo sets out to their left sides,” Sheffield said. “ It’s really fast and it’s been something that we worked on throughout the week.”

The most impressive outcome of the game was Wisconsin shutting down Northwestern’s star player Temi Thomas-Ailara. She was named Big Ten Player of the Week, averaging 4.75 kills per set and hitting .333 in her last three matches.

Against UW, she only man aged 11 kills with six errors and totaled a .161 hitting percentage. Alongside the Wildcats’ other outside hitter Hanna Lesiak, the teammates combined for 16 kills and 16 errors to hit .000.

Minnesota

Later in the weekend, the Wisconsin team trav eled to Minnesota to play the Golden Gophers, who were just swept by No. 11 Purdue in their conference opener. Minnesota needed this win to salvage their opening week end at home. For the first time since 2018, Wisconsin fell to Minnesota, losing 0-3.

Both teams played fairly consistently in the first set, each hitting about .15 percent. The set became tied at 20-20, until Minnesota took five of the final six points of the set giving them the win, 25-21. Sarah Franklin had a service error that gave the Gophers set point, and Minnesota capi talized on the error.

Minnesota continued to capitalize on Wisconsin’s errors in the second set. The Golden Gophers held the lead after the teams were tied at seven to eventually win the set

25-16. They managed to hold a .400 hitting percent with 16 kills and only four errors.

In the third set, Wisconsin battled to force a fourth set and served for set point four times. Sarah Franklin put up a career-high five service aces, including three in a row in the third set. She also led the team with 14 kills. The Badgers even led 20-15, but slowly let Minnesota back in the game, and ultimately could not con vert for the win. Minnesota won the last three points to take the final set 29-27.

While Wisconsin put up 19 kills and had a .289 hitting per centage, their errors are what prevented them from winning this set. In comparison, the Gophers totaled 18 kills but only made two errors, hitting close to .500 percent.

“We started out with a lot of errors. Serving-wise, we gave them 17 points in the first set. We were right there even with all those errors,” but he said he noticed his team was “a little bit anxious and a little bit stressed,” Sheffield said right after the game.

Wisconsin struggled with their serves this match. Entering the game, they aver aged 9.6 service errors per game throughout their first nine games. However, against Minnesota, they totaled 11 ser vice errors. They were also unable to stop the Gopher’s top outside hitter Taylor Landfair who ranks second in the Big Ten in kills. This match she had a team-high 17 kills against the Badgers.

Danielle Hart, UW’s mid dle blocker, noted they were unable to make adjustments once Landfair found her shot.

Wisconsin is now 7-3 over all and 1-1 in the Big Ten. They travel back to the UW Field House for another tough game on Friday, taking on No. 9 Penn State (12-1, 1-1). The Badgers will continue Big Ten play, hoping to rebound after an inconsistent first weekend.

PAUL CAPOBIANCO
6 Thursday, September 29, 2022 dailycardinal.coml
/UW ATHLETICS TAYLOR WOLFRAM/THE DAILY CARDINAL

arts

Duckwrth talks with The Daily Cardinal about new EP, tour

Los Angeles-based musician, designer and visual artist Jared Lee — known by the stage name Duckwrth — has been on a rapid ascent to stardom over the past few years.

From having a song featured on the major motion picture “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse,” to his latest album “SG8,” he continues to produce work that emphasizes both sounding and feeling good. Duck spoke with the Daily Cardinal for a quick conversa tion about his new album “Chrome Bull,” his current tour and what goes into his art.

Duckwrth will be performing at Madison’s Majestic Theatre on Saturday, Oct 1. Tickets are $22 plus fees.

What’s one thing you are looking forward to most about your perfor mance in Madison?

I’m just excited overall for this tour because of new choreography, new music, new band members, every com ponent of the tour … every new place I perform at is just insanity. So there’s just overall excitement going in to per form in a new place.

What do you do to place yourself into a creative headspace?

To tell you the truth, it’s very reflec tive of my regular life. For example, I’ve been riding this Onyx moped, which is like an electric motorcycle, for like a year now. It became a more important, integral part of my life recently — as of this year. So in my mind, I wanted music I could listen to on my moped, music that had motion to it and was a bit faster, a bit quicker.

I wanted the character I was rep resenting in music to always have a motorcycle with him. It was the whole two piece suit motorcycle vibe, and it gave o this James Bond e ect in that sense. I like to bring in real life.

Life reflects art, art reflects life. I think that’s the best way for me to work unless I really study a whole other

character in another culture. I think the most authentic way I can make something is if it’s really from my life.

You’ve gone on record asking peo ple not to “F– up my lyrics,” is there any particular time when the fans let you down?

I remember when I did “I’m Dead” back in the day. I was saying “skull emoji” but people were saying “squir rel emoji.” It totally just killed the whole plot, the whole metaphor. For years people were saying “squirrel emoji.” Also, even “MICHUUL” to this day people say “Mitchell.” And it’s my fault because I spelled it “MICHUUL” … I spelled it that way because the label was scared we were getting sued so I was like “whatever, you guys suck.” And I had this thing going on with UU, with Extra Ugly mixtape, so the whole thing was UU. And I ended up f–ing myself because people still call it Mitchell.

You were featured on the “Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse” soundtrack — how do you think the presence of movie mixtapes has changed the game for better or worse?

It’s just another avenue for art ists to make their craft and get pro moted. It’s an avenue for artists to be creative instead of trying to make a smash hit all the damn time. With movies, they give you a theme and characteristics; they give you the whole character breakdown.

If you write for a specific scene, you have to keep it in mind and subtly write about it. You have to tap into something that’s beyond your usual and write about something that’s not about what you usually write about. I think that’s cool as f–; that’s really sick — also because they are trying to make albums that may even have the poten tial to be on radio. Like “Sunflower” with Swae and Post, and that was in the top charts for mad long and they fully made that for a film. And “Black Panther,” and that opens up way more. Like you can make a good soundtrack that works for radio too. You want to

make a soundtrack that people actu ally want to listen to instead of a bunch of random chords for a scene.

Is there any score in the future or past movies that you’d want to work on?

They’re working on “Tron 3” right now, and I would love to be a part of that soundtrack for sure. It would definitely fit with the vibe I’m mov ing towards with “Chrome Bulls,” the EP I’m about to drop — it’s some more electronic, much more dance moments. It’s a precursor to where I’m going, so I would say my focus is set on that.

Do you consider ‘Chrome Bull’ to be branching out or building onto your

other work?

I think ‘Chrome Bull,’ because it’s not so set on electronics … it’s more foot-on-the-floor dance-based. For me, I always wanted to make a project that was solidified in that space. But there are like two moments that are just more minimal and just straight elec tronics. They are building blocks for where I want to go; I love nostalgia but I feel like we’ve been in nostalgia-land for too long.

I want to imagine what the world is going to look like. I want to create what the world is going to look like and going to sound like. I’m stepping into my futurist bag, and I want my music to respect that.

Do you see your new album as building on the past or shifting towards the future?

I have a foundation as a musician for sure, and I have that locked in. I came from a gospel family, and I’ve been exposed to classical and jazz early on — and in college hip-hop and punk. So I can pull from any place musically. There’s one big, happy question mark in my life and the way to get there is through electronic sound.

I was watching this Björk docu mentary, and at first she moved to London because she was in a punk band before that. She didn’t like that you can predict guitar chords in punk music, so she moved into electronics, but then she got complacent and felt like she couldn’t find a soul in elec tronic music, so she started going into organic sounds.

My main goal is to maintain this soul of electronic music and make it minimal so you can focus more on feeling. Of course I’m a rapper — and rapping is all about wordplay — but I would like to explore more feeling because that is like the most basic thing to a human. But this is one big, happy question mark to me … so I need months to just play around and tinker. But I’m excited to be in this space right now of ‘I don’t know.’

What’s one thing people should look forward to on your new album?

For “Chrome Bull,” a solid groove, man.

From beginning to end, it’s playing in so many realms of dance and soul. You will find elements of soul more than once, and I’m also pulling heavily from the UK. There’s one song that has heavy drum and bass influence.

I’m pulling from all these areas and also just bringing in certain experi ences and memories I have — being in London and in Paris — so it’s like bridging a gap between here and Europe for me and my fans and also just delivering a solid groove you can dance to.”

CHAI, The Heavy Heavy to perform on Terrace

Eclectic Japanese alt-rock band CHAI and Brightonbased rock quintet The Heavy Heavy are performing at the Memorial Union Terrace on Oct. 7 and 8, respective ly. CHAI will be opened by Madison funk-pop duo JENNY 123; The Heavy Heavy will be opened by Minneapolis indie and punk rock group Creeping Charlie. Hosted by the Wisconsin Union Directorate (WUD) Music, the free perfor mances will feature these dis tinct, memorable artists who each provoke and electrify.

“Our goal is to cultivate a community on campus through the power of music, as well as share new music we think other people should hear,” WUD Music representative Devon Hill explained to the Daily Cardinal. “Unlike other schools, we book hundreds of

shows that are always free and always a good time.”

The student org has gained a history and reputation for bringing in bands on the cusp of popularity. As an example, on Feb. 28, 2020, The Sett in Union South hosted the band 100 Gecs. The hyperpop duo would reach their current google trends peak six months later in Aug. 2020.

Bands like CHAI and The Heavy Heavy are among the numerous featured artists WUD Music highlights every year for both students and the communi ty at large. Their music ventures intrepidly into new directions but never loses a modicum of sincerity or wholesomeness.

The first, CHAI, is a blast: eccen tric, charged, infectious, but under scored by a youthful light-heart edness that rea rms self-love and individual “cuteness” or “Kawaii”ness. The four-piece Japanese group packages this ethos in their self-pro claimed philosophy: “Neo-Kawaii.”

Everyone is “KAWAII in [their] own way,” CHAI says on their o cial website. “Not everyone needs to follow the ste reotypical image of KAWAII.”

Their first studio album “PINK” released in October 2017 and grasps tightly on this spirit of bolstering and selfaffirming fun; it bellows out rhythmically “YOU ARE SO CUTE NICE FACE” on tracks like “N.E.O.”

The cut “GREAT JOB” on their 2019 studio album “PUNK” is lyrically about housekeep ing. However the banality is drowned beneath highly kinet ic drums and basslines inter jected by refrains like “Get power! Fresh Feeling” and the occasional “GREAT JOB!”

CHAI’s newest album “WINK” takes a different sty listic route with a more sub dued, mellow rap and R&B influence. Even so, the band doesn’t lose its delightful and

charming trivialities: softly vocalizing offerings of donuts and chocolate chips over smooth, dreamlike synth lay ers. Small pleasures like these make CHAI an affable pres ence in the alt-rock realm.

The Heavy Heavy is a rock quintet out of Brighton, UK whose music reinvigorates and transforms a sound distantly familiar in a part of our cul tural psyche. The UK-based band is led by Will Turner and Georgie Fuller.

They describe a goal of “pushing past the confines of reverential pastiche” tied to nos talgic and almost-mythic names like Fleetwood Mac, the Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, and even Kate Bush, as stated on their o cial website.

In turn, the band’s debut EP “Life and Life Only,” which released in June 2022, nods reverentially to an era of acid rock and “sunshine pop” redo

lent of cross-country travel and pastoral enchantment. Their vocals in “Miles and Miles” are saturated with reverb and sound like something you’d hear from a The Mamas & The Papas record.

The whole project evokes the bursting of color… of being sun-drenched and on the road… of recalling a vague nostalgic cultural memory from the van tage point of the present. It feels good, which is exactly what Fuller intends the music to do: to “make [people] feel good.”

“I think that students should be excited about these shows because they o er a great oncampus experience that is com pletely free,” Hill said. “We work hard to make sure that there is something for everyone.”

CHAI and The Heavy Heavy are set to perform on the Memorial Union Terrace on Saturday, Oct. 7, and Sunday, Oct. 8 at 7 p.m.

COURTESY OF THE COME UP SHOW/FLICKR Duckwrth discusses his creative process, his roots and what his future holds.
dailycardinal.com Thursday, September 29, 2022 7
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the beet

As Hurricane Ian hits Florida, one man plans to stop it

Hurricane Ian is expected to be one of the worst disasters the United States has seen in decades, prompting Florida state o cials to call for evacuation. Still, even as the potentially catastrophic hurri cane reaches Fort Myers, Sarasota native Doug Ebert refuses to leave.

Sarasota, a town with a popula tion of nearly 60,000, is expected to take significant damage from the storm. Regardless, while oth ers are boarding up their homes and rushing to safety, Ebert is trying to figure out what he has lying around that might help this “whole hurricane thing.”

“I’ve lived in the Gator State for over 45 years — born and raised. Here, we handle our business,” said Ebert as he lifted his foot to rest on a five gallon bucket.

Not even the world’s top scien tists are able to stop a hurricane.

when the last hope is a goateed plumber who has been wearing the same baseball cap every day for 20 years.

“I believe it’s my plumbing expe rience that makes me qualified to see this through. When you flush a toilet or pour something down the sink, what does the water do? It spirals. If you ask me, Florida is the toilet bowl and Hurricane Ian is just some stank water,” said Ebert.

The Florida native scoured his home for tools that could poten tially be used in the e ort. So far, he has built a contraption consist ing of a propane torch (to “dry it out”), a skateboard for mobility, a bucket to “scoop the water out” and sporks. While the sporks don’t serve any functional purpose, they do serve as “cute little robot arms.”

Additionally, the carefully thrown together creation is cov ered in Taco Bell Diablo Sauce to lower the chances of Hurricane

wind tasting spicy? It doesn’t hap pen. Water can get salty, which I learned when I woke up from a face down nap on the Atlantic Ocean. But never spicy. Wind and water avoid spice like I avoid my Aunt Muriel after a few drinks down at

arms? These bad boys ain’t coming o . You know how I know that? I Gorilla Glued them. Plus, I have a kayak ready to go on my roof and a whole bunch of canned goods and MREs I was saving for the apoca lypse. There ain’t but a thing to

ing. At a time when many in the Sunshine State are concerned that life as they know it will be washed away, this particular Florida man is giving hope — no matter how poor ly guided or dangerous it may be.

“My mama always told me growing up, ‘Son, you ain’t the most freshly boiled peanut, but at least you ain’t one of 1,000 shells on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.’ Now is my chance to prove that.”

Ebert would like to clarify that he loves Texas Roadhouse and that, in the event of his survival, he would appreciate a gift card to buy his go-to meal, Road Kill. After a thorough investigation, it has been confirmed that this is an actual dish o ered by Texas Roadhouse.

“Look — I might not be able to swim, but I know a thing or two about follow through. Us Floridians just need to get things running before the next Gators game. It’s what Tom Petty would’ve

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