Weekend, November 2-5, 2017 - The Daily Cardinal

University of Wisconsin-Madison

Since 1892 dailycardinal.com

University of Wisconsin-Madison

Since 1892 dailycardinal.com

Weekend, October November 2-5, 2017 26-29, September 18, 2017

“Broad City”offers From Manoa Comics aren’t THE DIRTY BIRDhonest VS. THE GENTLEtake CLOWNS on to Madison: just for kids +SPORTS casual dating FLAG FOOTBALL PREVIEW page 8

+ARTS page 5

+ARTS page 5 +SPORTS

page 7

Nick Nelson makes his mark as a Badger

Not all students think campus is welcoming, climate survey affirms

By Lawrence Andrea CAMPUS NEWS EDITOR

UW-Madison released results from its first-ever campus climate survey, and data showed school officials what they had “long known anecdotally” — underrepresented students have a significantly less positive perception of the university’s environment.

Survey data — drawn from the 8,652 “representative” responses — show that while 81 percent of UW-Madison’s overall student population often feel welcome on campus, just 69 percent of LGBQ students, 67 percent of students with a disability, 65 percent of black students and 50 percent of trans or nonbinary students felt similarly.

In fact, 19 percent of students of color and 21 percent of LGBQ students reported experiencing incidents of hostile, harassing or intimidating behavior directed at them personally. Nearly one in three trans and nonbinary students and students with disabilities reported experiencing similar behaviors, according to the report.

+SPORTS, page 8

Trice and Ford: Bradenton Brothers

While news of the survey first became public amid intense campus pressure from movements like #TheRealUW in 2015, university officials countered that the initiative had been in the works long before these movements.

The survey was scheduled after a committee report in spring 2014, according to Blank.

The committee’s recommendations helped draft the Diversity Framework, which Chief Diversity Officer Patrick Sims said will guide the university’s efforts for a decade.

Sims said that while the data only reaffirmed what students had reported in the past, the survey results will help UW-Madison improve programs already in place by helping to determine where to allocate funding.

Blank referenced the 2015 AAUP survey that provided data on campus sexual assault to highlight the impact of this survey. When the sexual assault data came out, Blank said many people realized the problem was bigger than they thought. This led to student-based efforts to put an end to it.

The Campus Climate Survey Task Force, led by Sims and Dean of Students Lori Berquam, created future goals after sifting through survey data like ensuring an inclusive environment, increasing campus safety and promoting shared values of diversity and inclusion in the report.

Blank said the results are not a call to start “a whole bunch of new programs,” but a call to the campus to realize there are people here who do not feel welcome.

“Rather than starting 10 new things, we need to make sure that we are doing well the 10 things we have underway,” Blank said. “The data themselves will generate some conversation and personal reflection

tight ends key up on offense

CAMERON LANE-FLEHINGER/THE DAILY CARDINAL

“Sources for new funding ... are not going to come from the state,” said Chancellor Rebecca Blank.

The public university’s future in private funds

mysterious $3.5 billion foundation’s support is ‘crucial’ TriceTheand Ford: to UW-Madison but does not answer to shared governance.

Bradenton

By Nina Bertelsen billion dollar endowment that sup“One thing that I’ve particuBrothers

PETER COUTU/THE DAILY CARDINAL

Results show trans/nonbinary students at UW feel the most excluded out of survey takers.

+ARTS, page 5

climate page 3

NEWS MANAGER

The grey building of the UW Foundation and Alumni Association sits at 1848 University Avenue only a short drive away Bascom Hall. It may not look like much from the outside — but on the inside, it’s home to a multi-

ports the whole of UW-Madison.

Within the next three years, private donations through this endowment will rival the combined contribution of tuition dollars and state funding to UW-Madison’s revenue, according to WFAA President Michael Knetter.

larly worked on is trying to get people to understand that sources for new funding for this university are not going to come from the state,” Chancellor Rebecca Blank told The Daily Cardinal.

foundation page 2

Bills to combat homelessness pass state Senate

By Marissa Beaty STAFF WRITER

A statewide council to fight homelessness would be created under a bill approved on a nearly unanimous vote Wednesday by the state Senate.

The bill , one of two pieces of legislation targeting homelessness approved by the body, would create an Interagency Council on Homelessness and establish a pilot program that would give those experiencing chronic homelessness higher priority for federal housing choice vouchers.

The council, chaired by Lieutenant Gov. Rebecca Kleefisch, will consist of the secretaries of a minimum of eight agencies and will have a director appointed by the Department of Administration.

The goal of the council would be

to better coordinate the renewal of outdated policies currently in place, as well as to provide direct help to those suffering from homelessness.

A second bill gives the Wisconsin Housing and Economic Development Authority — an agency involved in the development of business in the state — control of a program directly involved in helping the chronically homeless who have been stuck on a waiting list for federal housing choice vouchers.

This is designed to reduce not just the number of people on the waitlist but also the length of the backlog itself, which is currently sitting at over five years to receive a voucher.

The passage of these bills, introduced by state Senator Alberta Darling, R-River Hills,

intends to serve as a new push in Wisconsin’s fight against homelessness. In 2015, over 27,500 people in Wisconsin sought shelter or services because they were homeless, Darling told the Wisconsin State Journal.

Together, the bills aim to “streamline and improve policies by enabling agencies to effectively provide services to our citizens,” Darling said in a press release on Tuesday.

“Urban and rural, individuals and families, the challenge of securing stable housing affects people across Wisconsin,” Kleefisch said in a press release. “This new council will serve a vital role breaking down silos between agencies and providing ongoing leadership as we implement these legislative and budget initiatives.”

Two-year students worry UW merger would hurt existing relationships with four-year schools “…the great state University of Wisconsin should ever encourage that continual and fear-

By Noah Habenstreit ASSOCIATE NEWS EDITOR

The UW System’s announcement that it plans to merge each of Wisconsin’s two-year colleges with a nearby four-year university to combat declining enrollment was met with skepticism from many student leaders across the state. They

bemoaned the lack of student input in the proposal, criticized the system for a “sloppy” rollout and wondered whether their schools would retain their unique character if such a plan went into effect.

Some have now added a more specific criticism to the list — if the plan is implemented, they’d rather

have a different partner.

Elected city leaders in Sheboygan are leading a push to merge the city’s two-year school with UW-Milwaukee instead of with another four-year school, UW-Green Bay, as is outlined with the proposal. Some students, at UW-Sheboygan and around the system, would also rather see their

less sifting and winnowing by which

two-year school paired with a different four-year institution, or are concerned about the future of their schools’ existing relationships with universities around the state.

Sheboygan city council members argue that the school should merge with UW-Milwaukee because the four-year school is “one of the leading

economic drivers in the region.”

The city officials, as well as some students, say it is counterintuitive for UW-Sheboygan to merge with UW-Green Bay when Milwaukee is logistically closer. Ian Goakey, vice president of UW-Sheboygan’s

merger page 3

“…the great state University of Wisconsin should ever encourage that continual and fearless sifting and winnowing by which alone the truth can be found.” “…the great state University of Wisconsin should ever encourage that continual and fearless sifting and winnowing by which alone the truth can be found.”

news

2 Weekend, November 2-5, 2017 l

foundation from page 1 An independent student newspaper, serving the University of Wisconsin-Madison community since 1892 Volume 127, Issue 19

2142 Vilas Communication Hall 821 University Avenue Madison, Wis., 53706-1497 (608) 262-8000 • fax (608) 262-8100

News and Editorial

edit@dailycardinal.com Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Madeline Heim Andrew Bahl News Team News Manager Nina Bertelsen Campus Editor Lawrence Andrea College Editor Maggie Chandler City Editor Gina Heeb State Editor Lilly Price Associate News Editor Noah Habenstreit Features Editor Sammy Gibbons Opinion Editors Madison Schultz • Samantha Wilcox Editorial Board Chair Jack Kelly Arts Editors Ben Golden • Samantha Marz Sports Editors Ethan Levy • Ben Pickman Gameday Editors Ben Blanchard • Bremen Keasey Almanac Editors Ayomide Awosika • Patrick Hoeppner Photo Editors Cameron Lane-Flehinger Brandon Moe Graphics Editors Amira Barre • Laura Mahoney Multimedia Editor Jessica Rieselbach Science Editor Maggie Liu Life & Style Editor Cassie Hurwitz Copy Chiefs Sam Nesovanovic • Haley Sirota Justine Spore • Sydney Widell Copy Editors Dana Brandt • Kara Martin Social Media Manager Jenna Mytton Special Pages Amileah Sutliff • Yi Wu

dailycardinal.com

Private giving is currently the school’s only growing revenue source. But the foundation hasn’t grown nearly enough to make up for that gap left by lacking state contributions. A study done by the university found that among peer institutions, UW-Madison was last in terms of revenue growth, according to Knetter.

“I don’t foresee the day when the university says to us ‘Oh, you’ve raised enough money.

Why don’t you take some time off ?’” said Knetter. “That’s just not going to happen. It’s a big gap right now.”

When private funds outgrow the state’s contribution While UW will always maintain close ties to the legislature as a state agency, “state funding will never play the role in the future that it has in the past,” Blank said.

Many states in the upper Midwest lost economic ground in the past decade, meaning they have greater financial burdens in areas like corrections and transportation. That diverts state dollars away from funding higher education, making it difficult for campuses to keep pace with increasing costs.

ing. About a fifth of the school’s revenue is from auxiliaries and operating receipts — like dorms and dining halls — a “money in, money out” business, according to the chancellor.

But what Knetter called “the miracle of the public university” is that these different sources of revenue — the state, students with tuition and private donors — never sat down and declared how much each group should pay.

“At other successful businesses, that is always crystal clear. It’s very hard to have a successful business that’s based on voluntary behavior of everyone,” Knetter said. “The way that works well is for everyone to do their best and to have a level of trust in the other partners.

When that trust starts to break down, that’s never a good thing.”

Knetter said part of the foundation’s job is to improve the partnerships between the legislature and other key stakeholders.

“For Wisconsin to be a great university, we really have to do a better job of getting the needs to students and their families, the interests of private donors and the attitudes of legislators on the same page,” said Knetter. “We kind of need to recalibrate: What’s our shared vision for this institution, what do we want it to be and who’s responsible for what?”

Setting goals While funds can only flow one way, conversation between the entities is free-flowing and constant. The chancellor and college deans work directly with WFAA to set and track fundraising goals.

“We work with the university because we believe that the donors ultimately want to invest in the things that the university most needs,” Knetter said of matching donors interests to university interests. “And we need to be able to communicate those needs to them.”

Soyeon Shim, dean of the School of Human Ecology, called UW’s foundation partnership “critical” and said it exists to further the mission of the university.

“You don’t want to raise money for the sake of raising money and do what donors want you to do,” Shim told The Daily Cardinal while on a trip to network with donors in San Francisco. “You have to have your own vision and bring in donors whose vision is similar and perfect for what you want to do.”

The foundation has also placed development specialists with the dean and department chairs doing “a lot of work behind the scenes,” such as coordinating trips like Shim’s.

Business and Advertising business@dailycardinal.com Business Manager Matt Wranovsky Advertising Manager Mckenzie Halling • Caleb Bussler Marketing Director Ryan Jackson The Daily Cardinal is a nonprofit organization run by its staff members and elected editors. It receives no funds from the university. Operating revenue is generated from advertising and subscription sales.

The Daily Cardinal is published weekdays and distributed at the University of WisconsinMadison and its surrounding community with a circulation of 10,000.

Capital Newspapers, Inc. is the Cardinal’s printer. The Daily Cardinal is printed on recycled paper. The Cardinal is a member of the Associated Collegiate Press and the Wisconsin Newspaper Association.

All copy, photographs and graphics appearing in The Daily Cardinal are the sole property of the Cardinal and may not be reproduced without written permission of the editor in chief.

The Daily Cardinal accepts advertising representing a wide range of views. This acceptance does not imply agreement with the views expressed. The Cardinal reserves the right to reject advertisements judged offensive based on imagery, wording or both.

Complaints: News and editorial complaints should be presented to the editor in chief.

Business and advertising complaints should be presented to the business manager.

Letters Policy: Letters must be word processed and must include contact information. No anonymous letters will be printed. All letters to the editor will be printed at the discretion of The Daily Cardinal. Letters may be sent to opinion@ dailycardinal.com.

Editorial Board Madeline Heim • Andrew Bahl Dylan Anderson• Jack Kelly Ben Pickman • Madison Schultz Amileah Sutliff • Samantha Wilcox

Board of Directors Herman Baumann, President Phil Brinkman • Madeline Heim Andrew Bahl • Matt Wranovsky Phil Hands • Don Miner Nancy Sandy • Jennifer Sereno Ryan Jackson • Caleb Bussler Scott Girard • Alex Kusters

LAURA MAHONEY/THE DAILY CARDINAL

Private funding is a larger portion of UW-Madison’s revenue than state funding, and is expected to grow.

“The financial management of public schools has become more similar to the financial management of private schools,” Blank said. “One needs to generate multiple sources of revenue.”

At UW-Madison, the largest source of income is national research grants given to professors, which account for about 30 percent of the total budget. Tuition is the second-largest source, followed by private giving and state fund-

Knetter emphasized that the higher profile of private funding in no way means that UW-Madison is a private university. The WFAA remains an entirely separate entity despite a close partnership with the school; they must abide by all state regulations and regent guidelines for university-foundation relationships. Money is only allowed to flow from the foundation to the university, not the other way around.

“Anything you want to do to expand your program comes from private support,” said Shim. “Raising money is for raising the margin of excellence.

Private support is to make it even more outstanding.”

Shim said about a third of her time is spent fundraising and networking with donors.

For multi-million dollar gifts — like Mary and Todd Kneller’s from homecoming weekend — that give

to the mission of the general university, Blank will meet with donors.

“I don’t know a university or college president who doesn’t spend a lot of their time on fundraising,” she said. “You don’t get multi-million dollar gifts without the chancellor involved.”

Accountable to donors, not to shared governance Last spring saw multiple divestment movements, demanding the university and foundation divest from certain companies.

However, this legislation highlighted misunderstandings of how UW funds are handled and the ability of students to influence the private foundation, which is outside of shared governance.

Amid the controversial debate, former ASM Representative Omer Arain proposed creating a subcommittee committed to working with WFAA. “This [divestment campaign] was really about transparency.

We didn’t really know what UW foundations invest in and that’s first and foremost what needs to be done,” Arain said at the time.

“I realize these organizations can be mysterious,” said Knetter, who added that he was frustrated no one reached out to understand why the foundation — whose assets total $3.5 billion according to their last tax return — operates as it does before making demands.

“We understand that to keep this going that we need people’s trust, but we probably do prioritize having to steward the people who give us the money,” said Knetter.

“We care about the recipients, that’s why we’re raising the money.”

There’s only so much time in the day, Knetter explained. And even when they spending their days focusing on donors, foundation officials already feel they aren’t raising enough money for the university.

“I don’t really feel like we need to steward the recipients of our generosity,” he said. “It doesn’t occur to me that’s something I need to work into my day.”

The foundation’s responsibility is to the donors who give them the money, Knetter said. Donors get regular updates on how their investments are doing in reports from the foundation, and those people want to see the foundation and university doing well.

“If at some point you don’t begin to pay attention to what the private donors think about how this is going, you may not be able to sustain that kind of revenue,” Knetter said. Read more online at dailycardinal.com.

© 2015, The Daily Cardinal Media Corporation ISSN 0011-5398

For the record Corrections or clarifications? Email edit@dailycardinal.com.

JADE SHENG/THE DAILY CARDINAL

Money flows from donors to the UW Foundation to be invested before being transferred to university-held accounts for distribution.

news dailycardinal.com

Weekend, November 2-5, 2017

l

3

Report of man with gun causes panic before being deemed false by UWPD

By Noah Habenstreit and Lawrence Andrea ASSOCIATE AND CAMPUS NEWS EDITORS

CAMERON LANE-FLEHINGER/THE DAILY CARDINAL

Chen’s family wants information on a watch he was wearing when he was hit on Lake Mendota.

Family, public still in dark on details of fatal UW boat crash

By Gina Heeb CITY NEWS EDITOR

The county is set to decide whether charges will be filed in the case of a windsurfer who was hit and killed on Lake Mendota by a UW-Madison safety boat, after a report on the incident reached the Dane County District Attorney’s office this week.

Yu Chen, 43, sustained fatal injuries after he was struck May 31 by a UW Lifesaving boat, used for rescue operations on lakes serving UW-Madison and the city. Three employees on the boat were returning from an unrelated rescue call at the time of the incident, according to authorities.

But details surrounding the incident have remained mostly intangible for the family of Chen and members of the public. It is clear that Chen’s arm was severed when he was hit, but officials have not released

many more details.

Milwaukee attorney Jay Urban, who is working with the family, has for months expressed frustration with the lack of evidence available. In June, he told reporters officials had withheld evidence that could be sufficient to bring a wrongful death lawsuit.

“We remain in the dark on the key things we need to utilize for the case,” Urban told The Daily Cardinal on Wednesday, adding he doesn’t understand why “at least some things” can’t be released.

Chen’s family said in June they planned to go to court to obtain access to evidence including information on the man’s severed arm — which may still be in the lake — and a watch he was wearing at the time of the incident, which records time, location and speed.

But officials at the Dane County Sheriff’s office remain firm that

keeping details classified was and remains necessary until all investigations are complete.

“We want to make sure the information we release to anybody in that situation is complete — information is always changing — and also that we wouldn’t be jeopardizing anything by releasing information before it’s closed,” Public Information Officer Denise Schaffer told the Cardinal.

The Sheriff ’s Office has completed its investigation on the incident, according to Schaffer, but the case will remain open until the District Attorney’s office reaches a decision.

Schaffer said while she can’t speculate on factors like the workload of the District Attorney’s office, she expects it will be “some time” before they reach a decision on the case.

District Attorney Ismael Ozanne did not respond to request for comment.

A man with a gun was reported at the Law Library in Bascom Mall, according to a UW-Madison WiscAlert issued at 11:44 a.m. At 12:09 p.m. the university police department tweeted that the situation is over and that no threat to campus exists — and a campus alert added the original report was “erroneous.”

Officers on the scene surrounded the area, according to onlookers. The report caused a panic among students, many of whom ran to take shelter in nearby buildings.

merger from page 1 Student Government Association, said that personally, he would rather the school stay with UW-Green Bay because of his own “concerns with transferable credits,” but that as a student representative, the plan seems questionable.

“Why are we sectioned with UW-Green Bay since we’re closer to Milwaukee? That doesn’t make much sense,” Goakey said.

But much of the concern, Goakey and other student leaders say, surrounds what will happen to collaborative programs with four-year universities other than the ones their schools are to be paired with.

“There are a lot of unknowns which haven’t been answered, particularly for the collaborative degree programs currently offered with UW-Platteville and UW-Oshkosh,” Sara Kroneck, a UW-Sheboygan student representative, said.

These collaborative programs are different at each school, but most allow two-year students to take classes in an analogous four-year school’s program and often create an easier

“Someone yelled ‘run,’ and everyone started running,” said Alexandra Kois, a senior. “A girl grabbed me, and we ran into [Ingraham].”

Students in Birge Hall said police came into the building, “yelling” for them to leave.

“We were standing in the first floor in Birge. [An officer] was yelling and gesturing, ‘come on,’” said Halle Lambeau, a junior who fled with a friend to a nearby building.

“I’m shaking.”

“UWPD reports that the report of a man with a weapon was erroneous and the situation at the Law Library is over,” a campus alert published at 12:11 p.m. said. transfer process for those students.

At an emergency meeting student representatives from around the state held immediately after the proposal was announced, a number of students brought up this same concern.

But Vanessa Sawatzke, the treasurer of UW-Washington County’s student government, who had asked that question during the meeting, said the UW System has since answered it.

The answer Sawatzke is referring to can be found on the UW System’s Frequently Asked Questions page about the merger. According to the system: “successful collaborative partnerships and programs should continue, regardless of whether a UW institution and a branch campus are affiliated post-integration.”

Nonetheless, two-year students say many are wary because of the concerns that still remain.

“When we first heard of the plan, I think everyone was in a state of shock because of the way it was sprung on everyone, students and faculty alike,” Kroneck said. “There’s just so much we don’t know yet.”

A UW System spokesperson did not immediately respond to request for comment.

Local lawmaker criticizes body camera bill

By Will Husted STAFF WRITER

Democratic lawmakers came out in opposition to a bill considered Wednesday that would make it more difficult for the public to access police body camera footage.

The bill, authored by state Rep. Jesse Kremer, R-Kewaskum, would exempt body camera footage from public record except in the case of video involving death, arrests, injuries, and searches.

In addition to these restrictions, the bill requires victims and participants to give permission of the release of body camera footage upon the event

climate from page 1 with some of the activities that are already underway.”

Junior Maryam Muhammad, a student of color at UW-Madison who works on the Our Wisconsin initiative, said that while she supports the decision to focus on programs that are already in place, the university should make programs like Our Wisconsin mandatory so students know this is a serious issue.

“You see information about

taking place in a home or other place with a reasonable expectation of privacy. “[This bill] will completely gut the central purposes of body cameras, accountability and transparency between law enforcement and the public,” state Rep. Chris Taylor, D-Madison, said in a press release.

In addition to the issue of lack of accountability between police and public, Taylor highlights “insurmountable administrative hoops” associated with requiring written consent from both victims and participants of an incident.

Notably, the legislation does not require police departments to issue initiatives like AlcoholEdu posted around campus, but you don’t see the same recognition for diversity and inclusion,” Muhammad said. “[These programs should be mandatory because] when made serious by the university, the students will feel more open to understanding these issues.”

In addition to inclusivity issues, many underrepresented students feel “not at all” comfortable with contacting UW-Madison police if they have

and use body cameras, which all officers currently do voluntarily.

Proponents of the bill praise its intended protection of public privacy and the establishment of statewide guidelines for body camera footage availability.

Kremer’s primary goal is to protect the privacy of people unwittingly captured on the body cameras, according to the Associated Press. He also noted that because video is taken by police and is a government record, that doesn’t mean it has to be released to the public.

The Assembly could pass the bill as early as Nov. 9 with the declared support of Speaker Robin Vos. a problem.

Less than half of the trans and nonbinary respondents said they would not be comfortable contacting UWPD, and less than one in three students of color reported they would not be comfortable reporting to officers.

Muhammad said she was “unlikely” to contact UWPD again after a poor experience freshman year. Muhammad said that when she and her friends had racial slurs thrown at them in her residence hall, UWPD

JON YOON/THE DAILY CARDINAL

UW System President Ray Cross announced the plan in October. seemed as though they were trying to protect the offender, not the victims.

“There was a lot of harm that happened, and I don’t think they were very considerate to the victims,” Muhammad said.

UWPD did not respond to multiple requests for comment.

Blank said UW-Madison’s climate survey is not unusual.

Other colleges across the country — like Minnesota, U.C. Berkeley and the University of Illinois system — have produced similar sur-

veys and found similar results.

UW-Madison officials plan to repeat this climate survey every four to five years, according to Sims. Administrators also plan to host a series of discussions in which students and community members can talk about the results of the survey.

“We have to insist and ensure that every student on our campus is free from harm, has a strong sense of belonging and is treated with respect,” Blank said. “Anything less is simply unacceptable.”

comics

4 • Weekend, November 2-5, 2017

Today’s Sudoku

dailycardinal.com © Puzzles by Pappocom

Windy City 2.0

By: Max Homstad graphics@dailycardinal.com

Fill in the grid so that every row, every column and every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 through 9.

A Tad Offbeat

By Alexandra Steffeck graphics@dailycardinal.com

Five More Minutes

By Alexandra Steffeck graphics@dailycardinal.com

Illustration by: Maggie Liu

Today’s Crossword Puzzle

ACROSS 1 Not for 5 Construction girder 10 Did laps 14 Kansas field 15 Prefix with “graphy” 16 Country singer McCann 17 Bamboozled 19 All aflutter 20 Twists together 21 Hull areas 23 Tiny amounts of work 24 Flynn of old Hollywood 25 Wash, rinse and spin 28 They make assertions 31 Counts, nowadays 32 Muslim magistrates (var.)

33 ___ de Janeiro 34 “Famous” cookie maker 35 “American Idol” contestant Clay 36 Health store offering 37 Do some stitching 38 Take in, as trousers 39 Bridge guarder of folklore 4 0 Dignifies 42 Disgraces

43 4 4 45 47 51 52 54 55 56 57

Corresponds logically “Maalox moment” cause Veep before Biden “H.M.S. Pinafore,” for one “Black ___ Down” Graduation garb Away from the salty spray Danger signal Opposed to, in “Li’l Abner” Let the cat out of the bag 58 Colors slightly 59 Book unit

12 Burn-soothing plant 13 Things in waiting rooms, briefly 18 Does some electrical work 22 Pupil surrounder 24 Oldest 25 “Cut it out!”

26 Chinese official’s residence 27 Most prized asset 28 Dessert menu items 29 Lock, stock and barrel?

30 Many may be saved DOWN 32 Windy-day toys 1 Need liniment 35 Homeless feline 2 Time for lunch, often 36 Commerce imbalance 3 Palomino’s pace 38 French clergyman 4 Exists as an activating 39 Base near home force 41 Made a piggish remark?

5 Sweet 42 Flower shop emanations frostings 4 4 Detached 6 Afflictions 45 Have a conversation 7 Bullwinkle’s cousins 46 Angel’s topper 8 Beverage more bitter than 47 Word on a store sign beer 4 8 Loose garment 9 Bit of skull contents 49 Branch offshoot 10 A way to ski 50 “Green Gables” girl 11 Latitude 53 “Open sesame” speaker

dailycardinal.com

Weekend, November 2-5, 2017

l

arts

5

‘Stranger Things’ returns with more ‘80s thrills

By Monique Scheidler TV COLUMNIST

Last year, “Stranger Things” was the unexpected frontrunner of the entire TV industry. Relying mostly on word-of-mouth and Netflix’s algorithm, it catapulted into fame without much of a marketing push, which is a true testament to just how good it was. It also meant the showrunners, the Duffer Brothers, had a mountain of expectations to meet the second time around. Along with everyone else in the world, I was a huge fan of the first season, so when I sat down to binge the second season this weekend, I couldn’t help but have this feeling of dread. Though not without its flaws, “Stranger Things 2” is magnificent.

One of the marketing tactics the show used before its release was recreating some of the classic ‘80s horror and sci-fi movie posters, and they continued to do that in the actual show itself. There were even some shot-for-shot tributes to movies such as “Close Encounters From the Third Kind.” Around the third episode, fan favorite Dustin Henderson encounters a mysterious creature in his garbage can, pulls a “Gremlins” and decides to keep it as a pet. The show commits to the ‘80s decade and does so with a passion.

The entire series is stuffed with references, making it not only a period piece, but also simply a love letter to the ‘80s in general. And, of course, that means the music as well. The

soundtrack was perhaps one of the most lovable characters in the first season, and at times they seem to be hitting it too hard this time around, yet its presence was still an essential element to the show’s world.

While on the topic of lovable characters, this season was full of so many incredible performances.

The performance that stood out to me the most — which, in a cast as stacked as this one, is an incredible feat — was Noah Schnapp. Last season, his character, Will Byers, was stuck in the Upside Down, and therefore not all that accessible. But now that Will is back, we finally get to see Schnapp with the rest of the cast, and he certainly held his own.

Will is the character who just can’t seem to catch a break, dealing with the aftermath of last season’s craziness. His performance as a little kid haunted by post-traumatic stress and literal possession brought tears to my eyes at moments and had me hiding beneath my blanket at others. Of course, nothing has changed since last season and Winona Ryder absolutely steals every scene she’s in as the greatest TV mom ever, Joyce Byers. Other honorable mentions are Millie Bobby Brown, who gets an entire episode to really showcase her skills, and David Harbour, who somehow makes Jim Hopper even more of a lovable grump this time around.

One of the things I was most nervous about this season was when

IMAGE COURTESY OF NERDIST

Season two builds on its previous season with new characters and more strong acting performances.

I found out new kids were moving into town. Last season, the cast ensemble was so tight that I couldn’t imagine why they’d want to disrupt that by throwing anyone new into the mix. But Sadie Sink, who plays new girl Max, acts 10 times as hard just to prove the doubters wrong. Max is your typical tomboy, borderline manic pixie dream girl, a trope that sci-fi just can’t seem to escape, with “Stranger Things” being no exception. She even brings with her an evil step-brother, the annoying yet beautiful bully of the season, named Billy. He was one of the weakest links of the show, a character they could have done

really cool things to subvert an overused trope — as they had last season with Steve’s redemption arc — but Billy just fell flat. The only good thing Billy brought to the show was something that has been seriously lacking since the show’s beginning: a conversation about race … sort of.

Billy makes really vague threats to Max about her budding romance with Lucas, the only person of color in the main cast. At times, it seems to be racially motivated, but he never says so explicitly. That’s about as far as “Stranger Things” has attempted to approach the topic, unfortunately.

All-in-all, the Duffer brothers managed to make “Stranger

Things 2” just as big and exciting as the first, and they did so by taking exactly what made it work the first time — which relied heavily on a fantastic cast — and doing it all over again. Though not everything they tried to take on was ultimately successful — episode seven was a break from the mold and perhaps one of the weaker episodes — they did do some really fantastic things this season. I’ll be here, impatiently waiting for my Dustin/Steve spinoff. Fans of the show everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief that “Stranger Things 2” keeps the heart of the show very much alive.

Comics offer unbridled creativity for all ages where I come in. I will humbly suggest good finds I’ve made, and I would be delighted to hear some you all as readers have found. With that, let’s talk comics.

PHOTO COURTESY OF CREATIVE COMMONS - STACY HERBERT

“Calvin and Hobbes” is a timeless classic for all readers to enjoy.

By Eli Radtke COMICS COLUMNIST

“Words and pictures are yin and yang. Married, they produce a progeny more interesting than either parent.” — Dr. Seuss The signs call out from under forgotten awnings or run-down strip malls. They can be seen peeking out from the dark corners of a bookshelf or the variety section of the Sunday newspaper: comics or graphic novels. They go by many names but offer the same product: pure, unbridled creativity.

So often, people are told that comics aren’t literature. Literature takes up a reader’s time. Why would anyone stop off for the colorful fantasies marketed at children? Adults are expected to read Hemingway and Tolstoy with their whiskey and coffee, searching for a meaningful experience in sentences. They scan newspapers, tossing the “Sunday funnies” towards the only person at the table still eating cereal without raisins in it.

Not that I am saying by any measure that reading literature and the classics is a bad thing. On the contrary, I am pro-reading in all its forms. It’s the stigma that because two mediums of art are mixing and there isn’t “prose” per se, that comics aren’t literature worth reading.

I’m here to change minds and lead readers into the wonderful world of graphic novels and comics.

Why? Because for every novel that has made me stay up to the break of dawn, staring out of a window and wondering about my existence, there is a comic that has done the same thing. We live in a time where there is an astounding desire for comic-themed superhero movies churned out with minimal effort, but still we see comics shoved to the backburner. “That stuff’s for nerds!” No, it’s like the berry you find under the leaf — that stuff is the good stuff.

Unfortunately, to find these “berries,” there are still a whole lot of leaves to go through. That’s

“Saga” (Image Comics) — Written by Brian K. Vaughan, art by Fiona Staples Without giving too much away, imagine Romeo and Juliet in space, but the adult version. This story centers around an ongoing war across space between “horns” and “wings.” The people of the planet Landfall (called “wings” due to the genetic trait that they all have wings of some sort, whether it be insectoid, angel or otherwise) and the people living on Landfall’s moon, Wreath (called “horns” because every single one of them has horns of some sort) have beef, major beef.

They have been killing each other for longer than either side remembers and somehow involved the rest of the galaxy.

Mako is a wreath soldier and Alana is a soldier for Landfall. They fall in love, elope and have a baby.

Their respective societies lose their cool in a big way, making it their mission to find and kill the budding young family.

What makes this graphic novel so special is the crispness of the art, for one, by Ms. Staples. It absolutely blows me out of the water with its beautiful colors and vivid imaginings. The story is so enthralling that I read six editions (roughly 400 pages) in a night. This is the real deal. It’s a story about pure love in impure situations and the difficulties of parenting when the entire galaxy is trying to kill you. It’s devilishly funny without being obnoxious, having me laugh out loud one minute and crying the next.

Oh, and it’s not a kid comic.

Sex, graphic violence and drug use are just a few things that mother wouldn’t approve of throughout the series. The best part? It’s ongoing.

“Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World” (Oni Press) — Story and art by Bryan Lee O’Mally Have you ever been 22, confused and not quite sure what the hell you were doing? Then this is the series for you. Best known for the Michael Cera depiction of the main character — which I highly recommend by the way, the movie is absolutely one of the strangest film experiences you can have. This comic, however, is also one of my favorites. It follows the life of a slacker, dirtbag bass player in Canada as he finds the girl of his dreams and subsequently fights for her love.

Chalk-full of videogame references, it’s a flavor more on the “nerdy” side, but still has just as potent of a story. Scott wrestles with fighting for a girl he loves, literally, through a league of her evil exes, and she seems to have a type: vengeful and powerful. Ramona is a damsel, and she’s in distress, but she sure doesn’t need anyone to save her. O’Malley does a fantastic job of showing the intense emotions that tend to follow around love, capturing the misery, joy and confusion perfectly.

The art is less hyper-realistic than “Saga,” but is still gorgeous.

The versions I read were in black and white, although there are colorized versions. The art holds up either way.

This comic might hit a little too close to home for some of us that can’t figure our lives out and occasionally drag others into our mess.

It’s a great comic to read while you’re in college, or maybe just experiencing some tough love.

“Calvin and Hobbes” (Andrews McMeel Publishing) — Story and art by Bill Watterson Here is a comic for all ages that you can sink five minutes or five years into. Originally a “Sunday funny,” Watterson is sharp and genius in his strips.

This classic, if you haven’t heard of it, is a must. The story follows a young boy, Calvin, and his stuffed tiger, Hobbes, who comes to life in his imagination.

Calvin is the kind of kid that everyone wishes they had until they have him. A tornado of chaos, creativity and mischief. Calvin’s many personas include Spaceman Spiff, Stupendous Man and Wongata: King of the Jungle. He is the founding member of G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid of Slimy Girls) and is in constant competition with Susie, the girl down the street. He is a snowman extraordinaire and an explorer of everything and anything.

Watterson expertly captures childhood naivety and the deep philosophy of young children.

Calvin’s refusal to conform and his rough life philosophy cause the mind to reel and the belly to jiggle at the same time. Both hilarious and deep, Watterson created one of the most beloved characters and one of the most successful comics of all times, a gateway drug for a smaller me. Watterson himself is an interesting character, barely ever giving interviews and generally being a recluse. Calvin and Hobbes being so popular, Universal was keen to market merchandise.

Watterson was against this and held an unyielding position that merchandising would cheapen the comic and the characters.

That seems like a good start.

Get reading!

opinion 6

l

Weekend, November 2-5, 2017

dailycardinal.com

Adult students on campus have different experiences than peers SAVANNAH MCHUGH guest columnist

A

LEAH VOSKUIL/CARDINAL FILE PHOTO

Interrupting speakers is a fundamental part of protest that should not be punished by the university.

Peaceful protests should not result in expulsion RENA YEHUDA NEWMAN letter to the editor

I

n June of 2017, right after students left school for the summer, the Wisconsin state Assembly passed a bill called “The Free Speech Resolution” (SB 250), a policy that would punish students disrupting speakers on campus by threatening suspension and expulsion. In October, the Board of Regents adopted a similar policy. Its text does not specify what qualifies as disruption, and the committees have said that each reported incident will be judged on a “case by case basis,” despite the fact that there is no rubric for judgement included in the bill. If a student decides to protest a speaker, they can have their public education taken away for civil disobedience. The individual consequences, however, are minimal compared to the impact of this bill on the quality of public discourse and a wider civic culture. This bill sets a dangerous national precedent for all public universities.

This policy is widely understood as a response to protests of Ben Shapiro, when he came to speak at UW Madison last year.

At the event hosted by Young Americans for Freedom, a conservative activist organization on campus, a group of students vocally protested during the first ten minutes of Shapiro’s speech.

When asked by authorities, the protesters left the stage. Whether you agree with the protests or not, had the policy existed then, these students could be expelled from a public education for exercising their right to freedom of assembly.

While some might find interruption a disagreeable tactic, should it be illegal? Under the Free Speech Resolution, students are punished for dissent.

The Republican Wisconsin state legislature has created a policy that silences protest while intruding on campus politics. Initially passed by the state Assembly and recently adopted by a Board of Regents almost entirely composed of figures appointed by Republican Gov. Scott Walker, and on its way to the Republican-majority State Senate, this bill is meant to protect conservative, Republican speech on campus — but from

what? With no given definition of “disruption”, this policy is easily abused to uplift the free speech of some while diminishing the free speech of others, backed by an explicitly partisan philosophy.

I’ve attended many events where speakers have been interrupted. During an International Women’s Day panel hosted by the local International Socialist Organization chapter, a fellow undergraduate interrupted speakers, making it difficult to hear over his shouts. During the open comments, he grabbed the mic and proceeded to espouse his own political views. When he finished, more participants responded to his comments, myself included.

I had never met this protester before, but felt that as a white leftist it was my obligation to engage in civic discourse. I spoke with him privately in a later conversation. This discussion, while difficult, was enriching and important.

If applied in a non-partisan way, the Freedom of Speech Resolution would have suspended or expelled that student.

However rude his interruptions were, they should be lawfully protected — not from community response, but certainly from in-school punishment.

Without government interference, the community was able to handle his interruption in a way that was engaging, peaceful, and even educational for those in the room.

Dissent, even disruptive dissent, is a necessary and healthy part of democratic discourse. Should the marketplace of ideas have government oversight? Those who support this bill should answer if they truly feel government should play a role in regulating discourse.

The bill purportedly aims to dissuade student protesters from interrupting public speakers, but it may instill a student fear of protesting at all. A community without the will to protest is civically dead. History knows that cultures of apathy and inaction are dangerous and anti-democratic. If someone incited violence in the University, students may be punished for protecting themselves through peaceful protest.

Worse, students may not protest, fearing punishment for exercising their rights. Greater harm is done through silence than interruption.

This is the grave irony of the “Free

Speech” Resolution.

This dilemma also calls into question our definitions of freedom of speech. The constitution ensures that private citizens’ speech will not be censored or impinged upon by the government. While citizens are granted the right to freedom of speech, we aren’t granted freedom from community consequences for that speech. In other words, you can say what you wish, but you’re not immune from the response of fellow Americans. We exist within discourse, not in a vacuum.

If someone speaks to UW students, they must willingly enter the space knowing that there may be a vocal response.

It is ahistorical to assert that public discourse has always been polite and uninterrupted exchanges between individuals at a podium. Politics affect lives.

There’s a reason discourse is passionate enough to cause interruption. Productive discussion can be passionate while being logical, respectful, and honest — all without demonizing interruption.

Agree with their tactics or not, student protesters clearly care about their community enough to speak up. If State Representatives feel that students dissenting through interruption is inappropriate, then they should be in conversation with those protesters. A bill that threatens expulsion, however, is not a conversation about civic discourse — it’s a prohibition on students’ freedom of speech and an abuse of power by the state.

Instead of using these protests as an opportunity to engage civically passionate students, thinking critically about the role of public dissent in modern America, and taking a proactive role in creating spaces for discourse, the Board of Regents has decided to punish those who interrupt. A public university with a policy that punishes this basic unit of civil disobedience is not a university that teaches its students to be engaged citizens.

Rather, it tells them to shut up.

Rena is a sophomore majoring in history with an individual major in community studies. Do you think interrupting speakers on campus is a viable form of protest? Please send any and all of your questions, comments, and concerns to opinion@dailycardinal.com.

t 22 years old, as I get to finally conclude the unwritten chapter that is my Bachelor’s Degree, I am thrust into a world of Partying On School Nights and Meeting That One Guy From Tinder. I find myself somewhat lost and isolated in this obnoxious world that can’t seem to shut up or slow down enough for me to catch up.

I’m going back to school, finally, after a two-year delay that I’ve had to explain way too often not to know the intimate details of. I made the mistake of rushing through my Associate’s Degree in my home state of Virginia, with hopes for a journalism career path that few colleges offered. UW-Madison was a beacon of hope in the distance, with the kind of glowing reputation that preceded the utterance of its name.

What I didn’t know before I rushed out here is that residency for tuition in Wisconsin takes 12 months. It meant waiting 12 months from the time I moved here to attend school.

My academic achievements meant nothing if I was coming from outside of Wisconsin, which is a policy I will forever maintain is both discriminatory and unfair for tax-paying US citizens. But that’s another rant for another day.

A year into my living here and working full-time, and my residency was delayed another 12 months.

By 2016 I had been admitted to UW-Madison twice, having applied two separate times, but I was still classified as an out-of-state student.

Hours of tears and contemplation with both of my parents over the phone lead to the decision to wait yet another 12 months. We couldn’t get the loan money, and a lifetime of debt versus working overtime for another 12 months in this weird, sometimes frozen place … I guess you could say I preferred the latter.

Finally, after moving across the country from a drastically different east coast city at only 19 (where it doesn’t snow), leaving my family and friends behind to pursue a major in journalism that was very rarely offered at any Virginia schools, working my ass off for over two years, I ecstatically entered school this fall as a junior.

I quickly would realize that my classmates are all younger than me.

Most of them can’t drink (legally).

I can’t begin to comprehend a lot of my peers’ lifestyles because I lack an understanding of what it’s like to live with multiple people my age or socialize in a non-obligatory environment. I, like many others, have never had those opportunities. Most of my female (and male)

peers are actively pursuing romantic endeavors, sometimes with multiple people at an expedient rate; I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. I am part of the dying breed that believes in longterm monogamy. I try to be home every night at a reasonable hour, I work on motorcycles in my spare time, and I like to have a beer after a long day. I don’t live on campus, so I am often outside of the bar-centric social circles with no way in.

I am not alone, however. There are many, many students with experiences far more diverse and sometimes far more harrowing than my own. It’s hard to make friends; sororities don’t want me, I’m too old.

When I raise my hand or contribute to discussions, people look at me like a mummy stumbling out of an ancient sarcophagus. Everyone is so sensitive, about everything; adults on campus come from a world where sensitivity gains you nothing and work ethic determines the direction of your life.

Yes, I live off campus. That means I pay rent. That means I pay for electricity, groceries, and, gasp, I have to allocate for these things in my budget. I don’t lose sleep at night wondering if my fake ID will be confiscated in the near future because I have a real ID, because, gasp, I’m legal. And no, I won’t buy you beer. Trust me, it’s not worth the trouble.

My fellows are out there, humans who come from a world entirely different than this one, and perhaps they feel the same way I do.

I can’t help but look with wonder upon the younger generation and their careless lifestyles, wasting their parents’ money on illegally obtained alcohol and their Greek retreat to Acapulco.

For those of you who are also often frustrated by the rampant obliviousness of the campus population, do not fret; you aren’t alone.

There are tons of us out there, of all ages, races, genders, shapes and sizes who are dedicated to our careers and obtaining them through hard work. Get to know everyone around you, even if you think they are exclusively a waste of your precious time, there is no telling what kind of things you can learn from your peers. Even if you feel the miles-long rift between you growing wider and wider as you continue to observe the world around you.

Savannah is a junior intending on majoring in journalism.

If you are a student that is older than many of your peers, what have your experiences been?

Send all of your comments to opinion@dailycardinal.com.

MORGAN WINSTON/CARDINAL FILE PHOTO

Students that are older than their peers have unique perspectives.

almanac

dailycardinal.com Weekend, November 2-5, 2017 7 l

Actor who plays Bucky Badger bringing work home with him, girlfriend says

By Dylan Anderson THE DAILY CARDINAL

Aaron Thatcher, an actor who portrays University of Wisconsin mascot Bucky Badger has been struggling to separate his work and home life lately, according to his girlfriend.

In an exclusive interview with The Daily Cardinal, Thatcher’s girlfriend Alexis Martin divulged that he has now assumed the role of Bucky at all times.

“Like an actual Badger, Aaron no longer speaks... and he only eats earthworms from the backy Alexis Martin UW-Madison student

“I don’t even recognize him anymore,” Martin, who lives with Thatcher, said. “I mean, he looks the same. But the way he behaves, I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Thatcher, an Edgewood College junior, originally volunteered to play Bucky so he could attend Badger football games, since only UW students are able to purchase student tickets. Thatcher is one of seven spirit squad members who act as the mascot.

“Like an actual Badger, Aaron no longer speaks,” Martin said.

“And he only eats earthworms from the backyard.”

Martin said Thatcher’s transition has been so gradual that it took her a while to notice.

“I knew Aaron loved Bucky and he would practice at home in front of me all the time,” she said. “But two weeks ago when I told him I got an 88 on my poli sci exam and he just dropped down and started doing pushups, that’s when my worst suspicions were confirmed.”

Since the mascot costume itself belongs to the university’s athletic department, Thatcher is unable to bring it or any props home with him. But that

doesn’t stop him from acting as if he’s performing to a soldout Camp Randall stadium in street clothes, says Martin.

Psychology department chair Hill Goldsmith attributed the never-before-seen condition to an infective case of school spirit.

“Aaron’s always been a total pro, a natural.” fellow Bucky portrayer Matt Schoepp said. “No one does Bucky as well as him. He gets all of the intricate mannerisms spot on.”

According to an independent study conducted by The Daily Cardinal’s investigative unit, Thatcher is the only member of the Bucky troupe who behaves like the mascot outside of practice or university-sanctioned performance.

Hearing this was a first time revelation for longtime marching band director Michael Leckrone.

“I’ve never heard of that happening to any of our other Buckys, not in almost 50 years,” Leckrone

IMAGE COURTESY OF CREATIVE COMMONS

Cheerleaders carry Bucky to prevent him from eating earthworms during the game. said. “But you should see the way [Thatcher] gets the students at the hockey games to do the time warp. It’s unbelievable.”

When asked about intimate relations, Martin said that her once vibrant sex life with Thatcher is now nonexistent.

DJ Khaled concert awesome: this article sponsored by Mentos Gum™

By Michael Kowalski THE DAILY CARDINAL

Madison students flocked to the Kohl Center Monday night where almost 40 of them were legitimately excited to see DJ Khaled perform thanks to Mentos Gum™. As a result of the confusing but probably wildly successful campaign with Madison student Sam, enough Mentos Gum™ was distributed for free around campus for Mentos™ to sponsor a free DJ Khaled concert.

Thanks to Mentos Gum™, students were able to stand in a dark crowded room and watch DJ Khaled play his Spotify on shuffle and ask the audience for applause. The cheering could almost be heard through the wads of Mentos Gum™ that cluttered everyone’s mouth. The concert, provided

by Mentos Gum™, was almost better than staying at home and watching Food Network said some.

“Yeah it was pretty cool that Mentos Gum™ brought a big name in the hip-hop world to campus.” said junior Chad Johnson. “It’s great that Mentos Gum™ could put this on. It really makes this campus feel like a community.”

Senior Jenny Sperry agreed.

“Yeah Mentos Gum™ is pretty much my favorite, so just the fact that Mentos Gum™ made a concert happen on campus is awesome. Not to mention

they distributed all that free Mentos Gum™!”

Even students who couldn’t make the concert were able to pop in a piece of Mentos Gum™ and watch bits of it on the UW snap story, or just sit in the dark and play dance music overlaid with a Mentos Gum™ advertisement.

Mentos Gum™ is a delicious new option for chewing gum that is launching the Mentos™

name into the industry with a bang. Move over Juicy Fruit! There’s a new name in town. Mentos Gum™ comes in a variety of assortments and flavors. Whether you’re feeling minty, fruity, or even a little cotton candy, Mentos Gum™ can tingle your taste buds and drive your mouth wild! Mentos Gum™ is great tasting and long lasting, leaving your mouth feeling fresher than ever. Pick up a pack of Mentos Gum™ today!

IMAGE COURTESY OF CREATIVE COMMONS

Scott Pruitt demonstrating proper computer cleaner inhalation techniques.

EPA scientists using government funds to inhale computer cleaner Patrick Hoeppner & Savannah McHugh THE DAILY CARDINAL

IMAGE COURTESY OF CREATIVE COMMONS

DJ Khaled alledgely swallowed 24 cases of Mentos throughout October.

A recent WikiLeaks article revealed that the scientists have been using tax revenue to purchase computer cleaner, inhaling an average of ten bottles per scientist per day.

“Seeing that their contributions to the government and our environment are being strategically and intentionally eroded and invalidated, it makes sense to see that our staff as a whole is succumbing to an inhalant addiction which will make as large a dent in our ozone layer as possible,” an EPA representative said at a press conference.

“Sales of computer cleaner are off the charts,” a supply chain representative of Staples said. “It’s good for business, but for our ozone layer… I’m not so sure.”

Al Gore was nonchalant. “I don’t really give a shit whether people choose to succumb to pointless inhalant addictions, but I just wish that they did it in ways that weren’t so impactful on our environment,” the An Inconvenient Truth star and former presidential candidate said.

“I understand that although I was born with an IQ of 85 and have little to no qualification to enjoy the privi-

leges associated with a government office, let alone the directorship for one of the most important agencies in the preservation of the American homeland, this issue is unacceptable and the EPA’s company policies are being altered to support it,” said EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt.

“The computer cleaner dilemma has weakened the company culture here at the EPA,” a lawyer said, “and it is unfortunate that the inhalant dilemma has weakened our resolve to fix the issues that really matter. Thankfully,” he said, as he retrieved a bottle of computer cleaner from his briefcase, “there’s an easy fix.”

“The EPA will be disbanded soon, and it’s essential that we understand that the idiots who chose to huff computer cleaner in the science lab will be the first scientists ejected from the climate science program,” Pruitt continued, as he dodged a tomato flung from the press box. “Since I’m impotent and probably infertile, I don’t really give a shit as to whether my spawn gets to enjoy our planet, since I don’t plan on procreating and further soiling the gene pool.”

“The nice part about the environment is that it’s so convenient to destroy.”

Have writing chops? Strong opinions? Mountain-sized chips on your shoulder? Ideas waiting to be unleashed?

The Almanac desk is always looking for skilled writers to bolster our resumé (and our editors’ egos). Satirical and argumentative pieces averaging 350 words in length or creative pieces (fiction, poetry) can be sent to almanac@dailycardinal.com for consideration. While there is no limit to the length of creative pieces, we do ask you to keep in mind that they will be printed in this newpaper upon acceptance - so please plan accordingly.

sports l

8

Weekend, November 2-5, 2017

dailycardinal.com

Ass Waxing

Men’s Tennis

In latest installment of the historic rivalry, Dirty Birds look to knock noses off Gentle Clowns once again

By Foot Bahl THE DAILY CARDINAL

Some have called the rivalry between The Daily Cardinal and The Badger Herald the last great newspaper battle in the country.

And like every good rivalry, such as the Harlem Globetrotters and the Washington Generals, there needs to be one dominant force and one force that lives to be dominated.

And even the finest news editors in the country know which one of those is the Cardinal and which one is the Herald.

“Yeah we compete with The New York Times,” Washington Post Editor Marty Baron said during his trip to the Cardinal newsroom in September. “But I’m gonna need my man Jeff to give us a couple billion dollars if we’re going to catch up to the Cardinal.”

This Saturday The Dirty Birds seek to continue their dominance, looking to beat all eight of the Herald’s staffers for the umpteenth time in the annual football matchup at Vilas Park.

With Editor-In-Douche Tommy Valtin-Erwin coming out of chug-off retirement, star quarterback Ethan Levy telling everyone who will lis-

BOBBY BURMEISTER/WISCONSIN ATHLETICS

The Daily Cardinal handily beat the Badger Herald last year, 56-35. ten about his historic touchdownto-interception ratio and reigning MVP Megan Otto returning to her ball hawking ways, Editor-in-Chief Madeline “Prime Time” Heim has assembled a true dream team to take down The Gentle Clowns.

“We’ve had 125 years of practice with sifting and winnowing,” Prime Heim Time said. “Now we’re ready to continue by sifting and winnowing some Herald ass.”

News Editor Nina “Inside Voice” Bertelsen and Sports Editor Ben “Uptown Boy“ Pickman are reportedly so excited about the upcoming

beatdown that they have postponed their spelling lessons from the copy team in order study more film.

“I nkoew were gonna iwn,” Bertelsen said an email.

Copy editors Sam “Try and Pronounce My Name I Dare You” Nesovanovic and Justine “I’m Channeling My Inner Donald Driver“ Spore, have used the extra time to make sure their routes are as crisp as their layouts.

“At first I wanted to be polite about the game, because that’s just what I do,” fellow copy chief Sydney “Office Lurker“ Widell said.

“But we realized that the Herald’s pages had more spelling errors than Ben or Nina’s messages.

Then we got mad,” Haley “I Can’t Believe I Have To Redo Layout Again“ Sirota added.

The news team is equally hyped for the historic matchup, although its preparation has been stymied by the fact that the Herald is incapable of publishing news stories until weeks after the event.

“This is gonna be one saucy victory,” said Lawrence “I Talk Like I’m a Character in Grease” Andrea. “No paper is groovier than the Cardinal.”

While Cardinal staffers are still confused at what the hell a Gentle Clown is, they know that they must be dominated if the newspaper industry is going to survive.

“Even the drunk, unruly freshmen who live in my dorm know which paper is better,” Opinion Editor Samantha “Russ” Wilcox said. “These kids can’t even figure out where the hell Vilas is!”

“We’re the paper that made Madison famous,” Heim added in between scolding her derelict managing editor. “They say ‘Democracy Dies in the Dark,’ but on Saturday the Herald will die in [Vilas] Park.”

GAGE MEYER/THE DAILY CARDINAL

Reigning MVP Megan Otto will return to Vilas Park in full form, looking to lead the Cardinal on both sides of the ball. Quarterback Ethan Levy looks to improve on his 13:2 touchdown-to-interception ratio, while wide receiver Tommy Valtin-Erwin will dazzle with his quick feet and insane chugging ability.

Football

Big men, big play: How Edwards almost had Dieter’s glory

By Lorin Cox THE DAILY CARDINAL

Michael Dieter finally got to live the glory he was always forced to watch as a bystander.

Late in the fourth quarter against Illinois, the Wisconsin Badgers dialed up a trick play. Quarterback Alex Hornibrook rolled right, turned around and lateraled the ball back to his left tackle, who had nothing but daylight on his way to the end zone.

It was Dieter’s first-career touchdown and likely his only career touchdown. He was the player ESPN chose to interview live on the field after the game, almost unheard of for an offensive lineman.

“I thought the worst part of it was right after we called it we had to wait five minutes for a TV timeout, so I think he might have been a little nervous about that,” Hornibrook said. “We were all wanting to run it and when we got in the end zone it was awesome, we went crazy. It was

like a dogpile on him.”

All of the love, the celebration and the fame — the dogpile — could have been for David Edwards instead.

“We had both. It just depended on the hash,” Dieter said. “I got lucky it was on the left.”

The Badgers practiced the trickplay lateral in the week leading up to the game, and they prepared it for both of their offensive tackles. If the play was lined up on the right hash on the field, the lateral would go to the right tackle.

Against Illinois, Wisconsin had 3rd and Goal from the four-yard line, with the ball on the left hash.

Dieter got the lateral, and Edwards was once again back to watching someone else score — the life of an offensive lineman.

“We said if we called it the other way, we were going to flip the tackles, just to piss David off,” offensive coordinator Joe Rudolph joked.

“We weren’t sure which way it was going to go, but it was good.”

Of course, Edwards wasn’t pissed off that he didn’t get the ball. He’s not that kind of guy. The important thing for him was the Badgers got the touchdown and secured their eighth win of the season.

“We both kind of said it doesn’t really matter, whatever happens, happens,” Edwards said. “It was going to be cool either way.”

It was still cool for Edwards to see his teammate score. It might have meant more to Dieter to cross the plane for his first-ever touchdown than Edwards, who used to play with the ball in his hands.

He was a 225-pound quarterback during high school in Downer’s Grove, Ill., who totaled more than 2,000 yards of total offense. He was recruited to Wisconsin as an athlete who began at tight end, before putting on 90 pounds and moving to right tackle in 2016.

“I was joking with Dieter after the game, like, I’ve scored touchdowns before,” Edwards said. “So I was glad he got his, and it was really cool because that was a big score for us.

“I don’t know if you guys could see it, but I jumped up pretty high. I probably got about 20 inches off the ground there. I was really happy for him because he’s put in a lot of work here, and for him to get that kind of cool thing is awesome.”

No love is lost between Dieter and Edwards for the touchdown that really ended up as a matter of chance.

If the ball had been spotted five yards to the right, it would have been the left tackle wondering what could have been.

“Whenever an offensive lineman scores, you have to celebrate it, but it definitely would have been in the back of my mind, if it could have been me,” Dieter said. “I’m sure he has a little bit of that, and hopefully we can get him one at some point.”

KATIE SCHEIDT/THE DAILY CARDINAL

Carranza and Dodridge won the ITA Regionals, and now will compete together at nationals.

Carranza, Dodridge make UW history, win ITA Regionals, qualify for Nationals

By Kelly Ward THE DAILY CARDINAL

When Chema Carranza and Joe Dodridge made history last week, the senior tennis players were both so overcome with emotion that they didn’t know what to say to each other.

After missing their chance at qualifying for the ITA Nationals at a tournament in Tulsa last month, Carranza and Dodridge both knew that winning out at the ITA Regionals was their last shot. In the process, the two became the first Badgers doubles team to ever win the tournament and only the third team in Wisconsin history to qualify for Nationals, held this week in Palm Desert, Calif.

“Winning felt great,” Dodridge said. “To do it with one of my best friends, we’ve been playing doubles together since freshman year, and to be the first ones to do it at UW is a privilege.

We’re trying to create as good of a legacy as possible.”

Head coach Danny Westerman was just as excited as his players when he realized they clinched a Nationals berth.

“I was thrilled for them,” Westerman said. “Those guys have been playing great doubles for a long time together now, and doubles is literally a game of a handful of points every match, so a lot of them went their way. I was really happy for them, especially for the opportunity for them to qualify for Fall Nationals. It should be a great treat for them.”

Throughout their careers, Carranza and Dodridge have had great success, including a Big Ten runner-up title last year.

The two have gone 13-2 in doubles play this season, and are the first ITA Nationals qualifiers from Wisconsin since 2009.

“It always feels good to make a little bit of history,” Carranza said. “Being able to be remembered as the first to win, it’s something really special.”