feature 16
the
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February 29, 2012
W
e couldn’t agree on who partied harder/better/ stronger/faster: girls or guys? In order to get to the bottom of this conundrum, we pitted two groups against each other in order to determine whose party is the ultimate party. Girls are supposed to love pillow fights and chick flicks, while guys are said to enjoy a night of beer and video games. So to give this competition the biggest twist we could, we made the ladies go out and recreate the best stereotypical guys night they possibly could, while the gentleman did their best to re-enact a supposedly perfect ladies night. Nothing was ever seen of either group again. The only thing that remains are these photos and the notes we’ve published below...
Guys’ Night
Alana Willerton, Madeline Smith, Paige Gorsak, April Hudson, Julianna Damer
6:37 p.m.: The group prepares to leave for the gun range. Smith’s feeling a little nervous, but we tell her to suck it up and be a man. After all, real men aren’t scared of anything. Before we go, someone tells us, “Shooting a gun makes you feel like your cock is made of concrete.” 6:38 p.m.: Before leaving, Willerton contemplates taking a leak in the snow on the way to the car. 6:45 p.m.: The group discusses who should drive to the shooting range. The criteria: whichever car we take must make us look more “ballin’ ” on the road. 7 p.m.: The group sets out for the shooting range. Everyone fights over who gets to sit shotgun in Hudson’s car. How apropos: shotgun on the way to the gun range. 7:02 p.m.: Hudson takes control of the vehicle with a stick shift and revs the engine obnoxiously every time we stop at a light. Everyone comments that it’s starting to feel like a real guy’s night. 7:20 p.m.: We arrive at the gun range and admire the accessories in the store. Gorsak poses in front of the sexy mannequin with large breasts. It’s how we do. She then considers buying a bullet on a necklace, but decides any kind of jewelry is too girly for a night fueled by testosterone.
7:27 p.m.: We buy 50 bullets for a .40 caliber Smith and Wesson semiautomatic pistol and pick out our zombie and alien targets. Putting on safety glasses and headphones, we begin psyching ourselves up to shoot. We definitely don’t flinch every time we hear gunshots. The instructor at the shooting range informs us that we shouldn’t be scared, since he had an eight-yearold boy shooting the same gun earlier that day. We assure him that we’re definitely not scared. 7:35 p.m.: Nothing gets the adrenaline pumping like being told by the instructor that if we aren’t careful, the kickback on the pistol will dislocate our thumbs. We absorb this information like manly men instead of terrified little girls. 7:40 p.m.: Damer is first up to shoot, and she gets a bullseye, like a boss. We all share a celebratory fist-bump. 7:44 p.m.: Gorsak steps up to shoot and screams like a girl. That’s not very bro-like, so we check out a hot girl with a short skirt and really high heels shooting a gun. Manliness restored.
a newfound sense of pride and head to the liquor store. Hudson isn’t sure how to get there, but we refuse to ask for directions. 8:03 p.m.: We discuss the hot girl we saw at the gun range. 8:05 p.m.: After a detour to talk about nail polish, discussion again returns to how awesome it feels to shoot a gun and how we were definitely not scared at all. 8:14 p.m.: Blast “Shake That” by Eminem in the car on the way to the liquor store, with lyrics such as “I get more ass than a toilet seat.” Fist pump out the window and wave at a car of girls that pull up next to us. When we arrive at the liquor store, we buy the finest manly liquor money can buy. No wine or Sourpuss for us tonight. Ballentine’s: that’s a good liquor, right? 8:25 p.m.: We judge the guy at the liquor store for buying a pack of orange Bacardi Breezers. He’s ashamed of himself and claims they’re “for his girlfriend.” Yeah, likely story.
our food. This is some serious party business on display.
informing her that she drives like a girl. Sick burn, bro.
8:40 p.m.: Digging into our McDonalds feast, Hudson contemplates making a McGangbang with her Double Big Mac and Smith’s McChicken sandwich.
10 p.m.: Someone spills a drink on the carpet. Everyone screams, “PARTY FOUL!”
8:45 p.m.: Hudson pours ketchup and sauce all over her half-eaten Double Big Mac while we all laugh really loudly, daring her to eat it. Daring is a guy thing, right? 8:57 p.m.: On our way back to the house we run a red light because we’re too badass to listen to traffic rules. 9:05 p.m.: We finally arrive back in the house. Gorsak dares Willerton to pee in the snow, which she does with the help of a trusty water bottle. 9:10 p.m.: Smith lays into her bottle of scotch and shots of Jack Daniels are passed around for everyone.
7:58 p.m.: Hands are shaking from shooting the guns. Our metaphorical cocks do indeed feel like they are made of the concrete we were told.
8:27 p.m.: Leave the liquor store armed with cheap gin and scotch and head to McDonalds for some party fuel, blasting Hollywood Undead songs in the car on the way.
9:11 p.m.: We watch the most intense action movie Jason Statham ever created: Crank. Because it’s what guys do, we establish a drinking game while watching: drink every time a bald guy, boobs, someone drinking or a heart beating appears onscreen. Much drinking takes place.
8 p.m.: Scoffing at our previous nerves, we leave the gun range with
8:36 p.m.: Arrive at McDonalds. Refuse to say “please” while we order
9:45 p.m.: Gorsak demolishes Willerton at a car racing video game,
10:05 p.m.: Hudson suggests we take a break to go smoke some cigars outside. 10:07 p.m.: Damer takes a drag of her cigar and teaches Gorsak how to exhale smoke like Snoop Dogg. We demolish an entire pack of cigars. 10:40 p.m.: It’s late, but we talk about how we’re hungry again. Someone suggests going on a second McDonalds run, but we are all too lazy to get off the couch. 10:42 p.m.: Someone cracks a joke about how great it would be if a girl made us sandwiches right now. Everyone shares a high five in approval. Nothing says “I approve of your sexism” like a high five. 11 p.m.: The idea of doing a keg stand is brought up, which we of course agree to. 11:05 p.m.: Willerton vehemently denies being drunk already. After all, that would make her a total lightweight. 11:15 p.m.: The rest of the night becomes a whiskey-induced blur.
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feature 17
Volume 102, Issue 23
Girls’ Night Darcy Ropchan, Tyler Hein, Andrew Jeffrey, Matt Hirji, Sam Brooks 6:45 p.m.: The night starts off slowly. What do women even do when they party together? No one seems to have a clear idea of what a night without guys would be like.
7:22 p.m.: Back in the car, Taylor Swift comes on the radio. Despite his protestations to the contrary, Hein seems to be bopping in time to the music. This is truly his jams.
7:14 p.m.: Ropchan starts worrying about his reproductive future. “Do you think I’ll ever have a baby?” He’s already 20 and isn’t even married. “My biological clock is ticking. I’m not getting any younger here.”
7:40 p.m.: Go to Shoppers Drug Mart to buy pregnancy tests and ice cream. Ropchan got cookie dough and brownie fudge. Hirji buys a pregnancy test. “I’m too young,” he says. “How can I afford this?” And he was just referring to the cost of the test itself — a whopping $30 dollars for a stick that you pee on?
7:17 p.m.: Brooks drives terribly. It’s not necessarily a female characteristic, but it had to be noted. 7:20 p.m.: Make a trip to the liquor store to stock up on Bacardi breezers and Arbor Mist to get this party started right. No beer or whiskey on this girls night. The cashier IDs Ropchan, but he acts cool. He takes it as a compliment of his youthfullooking skin.
7:52 p.m.: Brooks again drives like a maniac and almost gets us killed. A blond woman in an SUV shakes her head in disgust at us. 8:12 p.m.: On Hirj’s first excursion to the bathroom, a few other party mates are told to go with him. Brooks and Hein follow, but the others have drawn a line in the sand. And that
line involves not watching a grown man pee on a stick. 8:15 p.m.: Hirji’s pregnancy test turns out to negative. We are happy. But if he was knocked up, we would have all helped him take care of the baby. It takes a village to raise a child. Side note: peeing on a stick is harder than it sounds. Hirji doesn’t have very good aim. 8:17 p.m.: After Hirji’s pregnancy scare, we all snuggle up on the couch to watch The OC and stuff our faces with ice cream. Cookie Dough is obviously the best flavour. There’s serious discussion that we shouldn’t bother leaving. Who needs the club? 8:20 p.m.: Jeffrey swoons over a character on The OC. Hein thinks another is “adorkable.” 8:21 p.m.: We all talk about our
feelings and have a good cry together. Brooks opens up about an impending move, and we all support him. It feels good to get our problems out in the open. Then it’s back to drinking. 8:35 p.m.: Discussion begins around finding another venue for the evening. Maybe we should find somewhere to go dancing? Everyone’s in. Then some people change their mind. More discussion ensues. 8:40 p.m.: More discussion. 8:43 p.m.: Back to The OC and ice cream. Also, the coolers are especially tasty. 8:50 p.m.: We finally agree that dancing should be had. So we all get ready to pile into one car to head to the bar.
8:56 p.m.: Hirji takes off to visit with his significant other. Or so he tells the rest of us. 9:20 p.m.: We all head out to the club to be fabulous and dance together. But after 10 minutes of not being hit on or offered to have drink bought for us, we head over to The Strat to drown our sorrows in cheap, questionable beer. 10 p.m.: It’s getting late, so everyone makes the decision to head back to home base and drink more fun girly drinks. What seems like a good idea will eventually turn into a hazy night of drinking. 11:35 p.m.: Things have gotten out of hand. Mixing Bacardi Breezer and beer was a bad idea. And who brought the keg? They are either an evil genius, or the worst person ever.