The Andalucian - July 2013 by The Andalucían

Editor’s Slice Hello It’s certainly warming up! Fans are out, air-con is on and it’s still getting hard to grin and bear it – but it is what we all came here for! July is full of ferias in the local villages so hopefully you’ll see the wagons rolling in to yours soon – don’t forget to check with your local town hall websites for the date if you’re not sure when they are on. The click-clack of the school bag wheels have finished on the pavement, so it can only mean one thing – holidays! As much as I used to love the six-week break as a kid myself, not sure that this ‘almost’ three month thing is a good addition into the school life of children here in Spain. I appreciate I shouldn’t use the magazine as a platform for my glorification but I really want to say well done to both my girls, Becky and Alice, for passing their year with flying colours at school. Becky returned to school after a year break, doing her GCSEs in between as it is getting so hard — if not impossible — for the younger generation to get jobs in Spain without their leaving certificate. Alice has achieved so much this year at school and they both make Claire and I so proud to think that as non-natives, they have managed to achieve an excellent education in a foreign country we now call home – well done girls; proud of you. Hope you enjoy this month’s issue. There is an important message regarding skin cancer which I urge all of you to read and do the ABCDEs of checking whilst the Andalucían sun is at is strongest! Enjoy the weather

Mike

The Andalucían X5092417D Calle Juanita Romero s/n Campillos 29320, Malaga

Next deadline: 30 July

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Owner: Claire Marriott Editor: Mike Marriott

See our Classified Deals on page 31

Special thanks to our writers and contributors Alice Marriott Moira Castell Bren Hosking Stuart Langley John Sharrock Taylor Tricia Johnson

Talking Point

Are you a swatter

or a sprayer?

It has begun – the onslaught of flies! So do you swat or spray the little swine as it hovers around your head day and night, inside and outside, driving you insane? Of course, there’s a reason why the fly is called the fly, and it has something to do with the way it moves around. Early biologists clearly rejected alternative names but maybe more apt ones could be the ‘buzz’ or the ‘annoy’. They can be pretty haphazard in their flight, being able to shift direction very quickly – forwards, backwards or sideways – in fact however they see fit, something they have in common with many insects. When it comes to taking off from a stationary position on a table, kitchen surface or your arm, you’d think it might be helpful to be able to see where you are going. But not if you’re a pesky house fly (Musca domestica). They frequently (but not consistently) take off backwards, and fly elimination experts (there

really are people who do this as a job) suggest that if you see a stationary fly you should aim about 3-5cm behind the annoying buzzing pest to stand the best chance of swatting it. Disappointingly, scientists don’t really seem to know why this is this case. Lay-scientists will cite the faintly ridiculous theory that the fly has evolved to take off in reverse ‘because predators usually attack face-on’. Even more disappointingly, scientists don’t really know how flies take off backwards, either. Insect flight has been studied extensively, but a full understanding of their ingenuous means of locomotion remains elusive. Many flying bugs have two pairs of wings, but in the case of the Diptera order ─ which includes house flies, fruit flies and mosquitoes ─ the rear pair have evolved to become halters: tiny drumstick-shaped filaments that function as a kind of gyroscopic guidance system, and without which the fly cannot fly. This naturally evolved GPS system helps them undertake the sudden mid-flight switches of direction that are known as ‘saccades’, and is clearly involved in the take-off, but no-one is quite sure what’s actually going on. It does make it harder for the swatter to do its job accurately! The fly also has a fascinating way of landing on ceilings: rather than rolling upside down in mid-flight first, it will instead extend its front legs out to make contact and then let its body flip under its forelegs. So maybe the killer spray is the best way to stop these miniature pestilent gymnasts in their tracks after all!

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Aguilar & Mahon Linguistic Services If you live in Spain but speak little Spanish, you are likely to have experienced communication difficulties with the locals. Sometimes you cannot understand or get yourself understood and although at times you may be able to get by with help from a friend or mere gesturing, in certain cases (for example, when it comes to bureaucratic arrangements), you simply cannot afford to get it wrong; you need a professional to help you... and this is where we come in. Who we are At Aguilar & Mahon we are professional, qualified translators with 15 years' experience in the industry. We offer a comprehensive range of linguistic services (translation, editing, interpreting) in more than 20 languages, although we do specialise in English<>Spanish translation. There are two main areas where we can be of particular help to expats: - Communication with Spanish agencies and businesses. The origin and core of the company is a fully bilingual couple: Jose Aguilar, an avid Anglophile from Malaga, and Petra Mahon, a Londoner born to Irish parents who has been living in Spain since 1994. They are also fully bi-cultural in that they are both very familiar with each other's countries and in touch with them, so they understand where differences may arise between Spain and Britain/ Ireland. They can help you bridge the gap. They have interpreters to assist in court proceedings and business meetings and can advise on inter-linguistic and inter-cultural communication. - Sworn translations, ie certified translations with an official stamp seal and fully valid for legal and administrative purposes in Spain and other countries. The couple are conveniently situated just outside Villanueva del Rosario and are the only sworn translators currently active in the Antequera and Poniente Granadino areas.

Spotlight

• Client-focused: They are highly flexible and can adapt to meet the requirements of each individual client. • Quality guaranteed: They assign all projects to professional, highly qualified translators who work in their own mother tongue. • Fully online service: For your convenience, all translation work can be commissioned electronically, which saves you an unnecessary trip. • Quick turn round: They can even offer same-day delivery, depending on the circumstances. Prices They offer very competitive rates. For example, prices for sworn translations of standard documents such as birth, marriage or death certificates start at 30 € per document. Feel free to call or email a scanned copy of your document for a free quote, or pop by to discuss your needs over a cup of tea. For more information, you can also visit the company web site at www.aguilarmahon.com, or their Facebook page (“Aguilar & Mahon Linguistic Services SC”). Aguilar & Mahon Linguistic Services T: 952 742925 M: 659 870587 / 649 023412 E: info@aguilar-mahon.com W: www.aguilar-mahon.com Location: http://tinyurl.com/65nq6yu

How they work They work hard to offer a hassle-free service. These are their basic guarantees for all projects, whether big or small: • Availability and rapid response: This is crucial when you need to submit those all-important documents urgently. They keep in direct and constant contact to help you find the best solution and guide you every step of the way.

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Health & Beauty

When is it more than

just a spot of bother?

Skin cancer is one of the most common cancers in the world. Around 149,000 people are diagnosed with skin cancer in Spain every year and this number is rising. More than 12,000 of these cancers were malignant melanoma, the most serious type of skin cancer which can be fatal. This month we deal with non-melanoma, a skin cancer which generally affects slightly more men than women. Non-melanoma skin cancer refers to a group of cancers that slowly develops in the upper layers of the skin. These are more common than melanoma, which spreads faster. The first sign of non-melanoma skin cancer is usually the appearance of a lump or patch (mole-like or similar) on the skin that doesn't heal after a few weeks. Check yourself with our ABCDE cancer checker. Asymmetry: normal moles or freckles are completely symmetrical. In cases of skin cancer, spots will not look the same on both sides. Border: a mole or spot with blurry and/or jagged edges. Colour: a mole that is more than one hue is suspicious and needs to be evaluated by a doctor. This can include lightening or darkening of the mole. Diameter: if it is larger than a pencil eraser (about 1/4 inch or 6mm), it needs to be examined by a doctor. Elevation: Elevation means the mole is raised above the surface and has an uneven surface. You do not have to have all of the above symptoms – go and have your spot or patch checked if at least two of the above apply. Don’t forget to check your back, back of your legs and your buttocks too – use a full length mirror or ask someone else to check. Non-melanoma skin cancers usually develop in the outermost layer of skin (epidermis) and are often named after the type of skin cell from which they develop. The two most common types of nonmelanoma skin cancer are: • basal cell carcinoma – starts in the cells lining the bottom of the epidermis and accounts for about 75 per cent of skin cancers

• squamous cell carcinoma – starts in the cells lining the top of the epidermis and accounts for about 20 per cent of skin cancers The exact cause of non-melanoma skin cancer is unknown, although it is linked with over-exposure to ultraviolet (UV) light, which comes from artificial sunbeds and sunlamps as well as the sun. Your GP can refer you to a skin specialist (dermatologist) who will examine your skin and possibly perform a biopsy to confirm a diagnosis of skin cancer. Surgery is the main treatment for non-melanoma skin cancer. This involves removing the cancerous tumour and some of the surrounding skin. Other treatments for non-melanoma skin cancer include cryotherapy, creams, radiotherapy, chemotherapy and a treatment known as photodynamic therapy (PDT). Treatment for non-melanoma skin cancer is generally very successful as unlike most other types of cancer, there is less risk that it will spread to other parts of the body. Basal cell carcinoma will spread to other parts of the body in less than 0.5 per cent of cases, and squamous cell carcinoma in about 4 per cent of cases. Treatment for basal cell carcinoma is completely successful in approximately 90 per cent of cases. Between 70 and 90 per cent of people with squamous cell carcinoma will be completely cured. Non-melanoma skin cancer is not always preventable, but you can greatly reduce your chances of developing the condition by avoiding over-exposure to UV light. You can help protect yourself from sun damage by using sunscreen and dressing sensibly in the sun. Sunbeds and sunlamps should also be avoided at all costs.

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Health & Beauty Regularly checking your skin for signs of skin cancer can help lead to an early diagnosis and increase your chances of successful treatment. Sunlight contains two types of UV light – ultraviolet A (UVA) and ultraviolet B (UVB). Both damage skin over time, making it more likely for skin cancers to develop. Repeated sunburn ─ either by the sun or artificial sources of light ─ will make your skin more vulnerable to non-melanoma skin cancer. Certain factors are believed to increase your chances of developing all types of skin cancer, including: • pale skin that does not tan easily • red or blonde hair • blue eyes • age • a large number of moles • a large number of freckles • an area of skin previously damaged by burning or radiotherapy treatment • a condition that suppresses your immune system, such as HIV • medicines that suppress your immune system (immunosuppressants), commonly used after organ transplants • exposure to certain chemicals, such as creosote and arsenic • a previous diagnosis of skin cancer If you have basal cell carcinoma (BCC), then you usually won't require further tests, as the cancer is unlikely to spread. However, in rare cases of squamous cell carcinoma, further tests may be needed. However, it is not recommended that you completely avoid the sun, as it can be a good source of vitamin D ─ essential for healthy bones ─ so a few minutes exposure can help maintain healthy levels. The sun is usually at its hottest between 11am and 3pm, but can also be very strong and have potentially damaging effects in the later afternoon. Do not spend long periods in the sun during the day. Make sure you spend time in the shade and cover up with clothes as well as sunscreen. If you cannot avoid spending long periods of time in the sun – for example, if you work outdoors – wear clothes which will provide protection.This should include a hat to protect your face and scalp, and sunglasses to protect your eyes. Continued on page 8

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Health & Beauty When buying sunscreen, make sure it is suitable for your skin type and blocks both ultraviolet A (UVA) and ultraviolet B (UVB) radiation. A sun protection factor (SPF) of at least 15 is recommended – the higher the better. Sunscreen should be applied around 15 minutes before you go into the sun and reapplied every two hours. If you are planning to spend time in the water, use a waterproof sunscreen. Take extra care to protect babies and children. Their skin is much more sensitive and repeated exposure to sunlight could lead to skin cancer developing in later life. Before going out into the sun, make sure your children are dressed appropriately and are wearing a hat and a high SPF sunscreen ─ ideally a sunblock. If you do spend time in the sun, avoid getting sunburnt. Once you are burnt, the damage has already been done as your skin has received a dangerous level of radiation. This increases the chance of a cancer occurring, possibly many years later. Most health professionals will tell you to avoid sunbathing altogether, but if you are determined to get a tan, do it gradually by limiting the amount of time you spend in the sun each day and wear sunscreen. When you begin to tan, limit your exposure to the sun to 30 minutes, then gradually increase it by five or 10 minutes a day. As well as staying safe in the sun, you should regularly check your skin for any abnormalities that do not improve after a few weeks. This can help lead to an early diagnosis and improve the chances of successful treatment. Remember you can’t feel UV damaging your skin and it happens even when the sun doesn’t feel hot. Sunburn is dangerous at any age, but it's especially harmful in children and young people. Sunburn in childhood can greatly increase your risk of developing skin cancer later in life. After you've been sunburnt, the skin peels to get rid of damaged cells. Eventually, it will heal and look healthy, but permanent damage may have been done. Some experts believe that just one episode of blistering sunburn before the age of 20 can double your chance of getting malignant melanoma.

Sun damage can happen when you’re not expecting it ─ for example when you go for a walk or sit having a natter outside the bar with a morning coffee. Sun protection is something you need to be aware of every day in the Spanish sun. Remember the sun SMART message:

Spend time in the shade between 11am and 3pm. Make sure you never burn. Aim to cover up with a T-shirt, hat and sunglasses. Remember to take extra care with children. Then use factor 15+ sunscreen.

Next month we will discuss protecting your eyes in the sun

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Health & Beauty

Is stress a problem? After all it

is a natural reaction

There is a lot of talk about stress. It is the largest cause of work-related ill health in the UK and in 2010/11, a massive 10.8 million working days were lost to work-related stress. But do we need to worry about personal stress living in Spain? We came here for a new start — less worry, sunshine and a better life. However the bills still come in — often with no regular income to help — there’s mould on the walls from the winter rains, prices seem to be ever increasing and then we have the huge distance of families, our children and grandchildren. Even though we can use Skype we have to have enough bandwidth to allow the video to flow.

What happens to your body when stressed? We have all heard of the fight/flight response, but just as often, we freeze. Imagine a moody or bullying but loving partner. We can’t hit them and don’t want to leave them. Instead of dealing with the behaviour, we put up with it — ignore it and do nothing. In other words, we freeze. The stress response is how your body responds to perceived threats, whether the threat is real or not and whether the perpetrator means it or not. The hormones epinephrine (adrenaline) nor-epinephrine (nor-adrenaline) and cortisol are released into your system.

What causes you stress? Sometimes we don’t realise what is causing us stress and we blame the first thing: “I’m stressed because my diet isn’t working.” Or, is the diet not working because you are unhappy and therefore comfort eating? Are you unhappy because you are worried about your elderly parents — that you don’t speak to them as often as you should and you feel guilty? Finding the root cause of what causes you stress is the primary concern. Stress relievers — and there are many — are great, but that is all they do: they make you feel better in the moment and break the stress response. Unfortunately, the stress is still there the following day. You need to think about what causes you stress. Remember what causes one person stress does not necessarily do the same to someone else.

• Heart and respiratory rate will increase, breathing becomes shallow • Digestive process slows by blood vessels in the gut wall constricting • Skin temperature cools as blood vessels in the skin surface constrict • Liver releases stored glucose into the system • Muscles tense and pores open to allow perspiration • Immune system becomes less active, and as well as constant coughs, colds, and mouth ulcers, long term serious ill-health can occur Transient stress, such as a traffic jam or a visit to the dentist, causes no problems. It’s a natural reaction and then it goes. Chronic stress, which returns every day, is when problems occur. Dr. Elizabeth Scott reported that higher and more prolonged levels of cortisol in the bloodstream — such as those associated with chronic stress — have been shown to have negative effects such as: • Impaired cognitive performance (difficulties in thinking or remembering)

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Health & Beauty • Suppressed thyroid function • Blood sugar imbalances • Decreased bone density • Higher blood pressure • Lowered immunity and inflammatory responses • Increased abdominal fat which is associated with heart attacks, strokes and the development of higher levels of bad cholesterol (LDL) Apart from physical effects, other effects of stress can be emotional (feelings) such as sadness, anger or depression; cognitive (thinking) such as loss of perspective, everyone is against you, nothing will ever work out for you, or behavioural (doing) such as eating too much or too little, drinking too much, taking too many prescription or over-the-counter drugs. What can you do about it? There is a lot you can do for your own levels of stress, even if it is just breaking the stress response by having a massage, playing some sport, walking the dog or reading a book and relaxing. All are valid ways of relieving stress and helping to manage it, but will they stop it returning? Identifying your stressors can be difficult. As we have already stated, often you cannot see the wood for the trees and everything seems to be the cause. Practical interventions and talking therapies can help. There are simple exercises you can do to help you identify if something is worth worrying about or not. You cannot change the economy or the exchange rate, however much you worry about it. When we have identified your causes, then we can determine the right way for you to tackle them such as talking them through, action planning or working on your confidence and self-esteem.

If you need help to work through your stress issues, then contact Bren Hosking. She is a qualified and experienced stress management professional and her UK company is currently the only company to provide worldwide organisational stress management training which is accredited by the Institution of Occupational Safety and Health (IOSH). She is based in Spain near Iznajar, and can see clients personally or provide some help by phone or email. Mention this article and your first session will be half price. Contact bren@innersolutions.eu or telephone 655 743865 for further details.

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Spotlight

Berkeley genes and Wigan moggies

by John Sharrock Taylor

For some years science has recognised the existence of a ‘longevity gene’ carried by some individuals and families. Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, recently published evidence that the effects of ageing ─ in mice at least ─ can actually be reversed. They were able to turn back the molecular clock by infusing the blood stem cells of old mice with a longevity gene and rejuvenating the aged stem cells' regenerative potential. According to Science Daily, ‘The study represents a major advance in the understanding of the molecular mechanisms behind (human) ageing while providing new hope for the development of targeted treatments for age-related degenerative diseases.’ In surprisingly journalistic style, the learned article gushes enthusiastically about the possibility of ‘a molecular fountain of youth’. All this may offer some comfort to those who, like me, are inclined to leave the car keys in the fridge, though it may also support Douglas Adams’s revelation in ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’ that it’s the mice who are experimenting on us and not the other way round. Scientific revelations and mice aside, I have already had some exposure to the longevity gene. It came into my mother’s Hart family via her grandmother Jane Clough. Jane and her sister Betsey-Ellen lived well into their 80s but their brother James died in 1965 in Chicago at the age of 93. Three of Jane’s children, Richard (91), Ellen (99) and Margaret (100) carried the gene. They maintained their mental faculties right to the end, or as they still say in my birth village of Billinge, ‘they all kept their cheers awhom.’

Literally, this means that they remained mentally sharp but it also has an historical dimension: In times past, Billinge was famous for high quality handmade furniture, and antique Billinge chairs fetch a high price to this day. A person who could ‘keep his cheers awhom’ was a thrifty chap who had not needed to sell off any of his inheritance.

The wedding of Margaret Hart (1900-2000) and Jack Cockrell. Gwen Hart (1919-2013) is at the front right. Margaret, my great aunt and adoptive grandmother, was born in the penultimate year of Queen Victoria’s reign and maintained her own home almost up to her last breath. Speaking at Margaret’s funeral 48 years into the reign of Victoria’s great great granddaughter, the Rector commented that life expectancy in heavily industrialised Wigan in 1900, the year of Margaret’s birth, could not have been much more than a quarter of the span she finally achieved.

Richard Hart (1887-1978) with daughter Elsie Jane Clough Hart (1860-1944)

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Left: Ellen Hart Dawber (18891989) with son George Dawber Junior.

Right: Marion Hart (19122006) with older sister Elsie and mother Sarah Haselden Hart.

Spotlight Of the next generation, Richard’s daughter Marion reached 94 and Ellen’s delicious Doris achieved 98. Like his uncle James (Detroit) his aunt Catherine (Chicago) and his brother Jeffrey (Connecticut), Richard (also Detroit) emigrated to the USA though they kept in touch with the Wigan family. Richard and Margaret exchanged letters and photographs throughout their long lives which is why, courtesy of Richard’s great granddaughter Leanne, I have such an extensive archive of Hart and Haselden photographs.

Alf Haselden looking ripe for a Weight Watchers course. Doris Dawber Rynn (1915-2012)

Continued on page 16.

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Spotlight Haselden? Richard’s brother-in-law Alf Haselden began as a coal miner in Wigan and ended up as Henry Ford’s works manager in Detroit. My photo of Alf as a paunchy 60-year-old widower tells a story of hard liquor and smoky boardrooms. Then he married Pat, an Irish colleen less than half his age and rapidly shed 40 pounds and 20 years. Contrast the photo of Alf Senior and Alf Junior ─ also a Ford executive ─ with Pat Junior seated between them on the bonnet (or do I mean hood?) of the 1952 Zephyr. It seems that when it comes to rejuvenation there are more methods than stem cell implantation and some of them are lot more fun. A few days ago I received news from Wigan-based Julie Louise Hart (like me a direct descendant of Jane Clough) that her great aunt, my mother’s first cousin Gwen, had died at the age of 93. Gwen was the last of my parents’ generation. No doubt we’ll see if any of us in the next batch have inherited the gene. Perhaps those Berkeley scientists might like to study us. If so, they’ll need to begin by learning that Wigan is the only place in the English-speaking world where a moggie is a mouse and not a cat. Alf Haselden a few years later with Alf Junior and Pat

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Around Andalucía

My week in of fun in Fuengirola by Moira Castell I had never been to Fuengirola before but found it to be a lovely town which was very clean and friendly. We stayed in a hotel – Las Rampas — right in the centre of town. In itself, it was a lovely hotel, but there was no place to have a cup of tea or coffee, although there is a café attached to the hotel which does breakfasts etc. I would recommend this hotel for its location and it was spotlessly clean. We were close to everything — Dunnes store was right next door, which cost my husband a fortune so if your husband is tight, like mine, don’t stay there. The only downside to the hotel was the noise of people banging doors all hours of the day and night. You can go for a horse and carriage ride which you can get from near the harbour. This will cost 40 euros for one hour or 20 euros for half an hour.

but I did there because they did a small one which only cost 2.95 euros. However you can have a big boys’ breakfast which will not break the bank. Scott is an ex-football player (Arsenal) and will have you enthralled with his knowledge. I think Fuengirola has so much going for it — especially for the likes of me with dodgy knees (it is mostly on the flat). There is also an old castle ruin which apparently is a must; unfortunately we couldn’t get past Scoffers so we never did get to see it. There is also a shopping centre called Miramar and of course Iceland is there too if you have a craving for English food! We have lived in Spain for nine years and this is the first time we have been to Fuengirola, but I can honestly say we will be back.

There is also a little train that will take you around the town for 4.50 euros per person. You can get on and off where you like — or just stay on for the duration. We were amazed at the choices of different food you could get. The main street, Calle Moncayo, is just off the seafront and full of restaurants. You can get everything from Indian, Chinese, Swedish, seafood etc. The highlight of our week was finding a place called Scoffers Café which is on the seafront (Paseo Martitimo 17). This is the friendliest of places and the food is GREAT. The owners are Scott (a Scot) and Emma. Scott does front of house and has a personality to die for while Emma does the cooking. The staff — Debbie, Marie and Nick — make you feel at home. I don’t normally eat a breakfast as such

If you have visited or stayed somewhere and want to let our reader’s know about the time you’ve enjoyed please write to us at info@theandalucian.com

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Interesting Facts

The state of the laws

in the States

Here are just some of the older, stranger and downright weird laws which are still in place today in America, even if they’re not really acknowledged these days: In Ohio and Oklahoma it’s illegal to get a fish drunk. In Alaska it is illegal to give alcoholic beverages to a moose. Plus, it is an offence to push a live moose out of a moving aircraft – but is it okay to do it to a dead one? In Pennsylvania, if a driver sees a team of horses, he must pull over to the side of the road and cover the vehicle with a blanket or dust cover which has been painted to blend in with the scenery. If that doesn’t work, and the horses refuse to pass, the driver must take his vehicle apart and conceal the parts in nearby foliage.

In Canton, Mississippi, it is illegal to kill a squirrel with a gun whilst in a courtroom. In North Carolina it is illegal to use elephants to plough cotton fields. In Seattle, goldfish can ride on the city buses in bowls, but only if they keep still. In Florida, if an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid, just as it would be for a vehicle.

In Arizona it is illegal for donkeys to sleep in bathtubs.

Again in Florida, it is illegal to have sexual relations with a porcupine.

In Sheridan, Wyoming, a policeman can bite a barking dog in order to keep it quiet.

In Minnesota, you may not cross state lines with a duck on top of your head.

When you pass a cow in Pine Island, Minnesota, it is illegal not to tip your hat.

In Baltimore, it is illegal to take a lion to the movies.

In Atlanta it’s illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or lamp post. In Lawrence, Kansas, it is forbidden for anyone to carry bees in their hat whilst on the city streets.

In Clawson, Michigan, it is legal for a farmer to sleep with his animals. In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500ft of a pub, school or place of worship.

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Things to Do

There’s a Goldstryke about

to hit Alhaurín

Prepare for gold fever as the fabulous duo “Goldstryke” stages a one-night cabaret show in Alhaurín el Grande. The dynamic singing double act is well known in the UK where they regularly give slick and lively performances.

T.O.P.S. (The Occasional Production Society), which raises money for local charities, is fortunate that Goldstryke have agreed to provide a fantastic evening of entertainment at Restaurant Carolina on Saturday 20 July (7.30pm for 8.00pm start). A threecourse meal (vegetarians catered for) is included in the ticket price of 15€. For information on ticket outlets and to ensure you sit with your friends, telephone Cath on 952 112 057 to reserve a table. It promises to be a great night for everyone and don’t forget your dancing shoes as it will be difficult to resist! If you are holding a charity event send us at email at info@theandalucian.com

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Men’s Matters

Hair today gone tomorrow

This is an actual customer review after he used a well-known hair removal cream for men… After having been told my privates looked like an elderly Rastafarian, I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this revolutionary cream as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being something of a romantic, I thought I would do the deed on my wife’s birthday as a bit of a treat. I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea, I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews. I had them taped as soft office types. Oh my fellow sufferers, how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special birthday surprise, I went down to the bathroom. Initially, all went well. I applied the cream and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait. At first there was a fairly pleasant gentle warmth which, in a matter of seconds, was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as similar to being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around my backside and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip, I tried to wash the cream off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears, I struggled out of the bathroom, across the hall and into the kitchen. By this time, walking was not really possible so I crawled the final two feet to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, pulled the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic — but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give my backside any treatment so I groped around in the drawer for something else, as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.

I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open — trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench them — á la Beyonce style — between my cheeks. This was not doing the trick as some of the hair removal cream had found its way up where the sun doesn’t shine and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me. The only solution my pain-crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no vegetable had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen, the other half chose that moment to come and investigate. She was greeted by the sight of me with my rear end in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my crown jewels, pushing a sprout up my nether region while muttering “Ooooohhh yes… that feels good.” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream. As I hadn’t heard her enter the kitchen, the piercing scream was a fright for me too. Just seeing her there caused an involuntary spasm of panic to run through my body, resulting in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having an almost-melted sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night probably wasn’t the special birthday surprise she was expecting from me, and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status either So, to sum up, I can confirm that this well-known cream does remove hair, but it removes your dignity and self-respect too. My advice? Use with caution or not at all!

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Spotlight

Julyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s twenty teasers -

mixed bag of mind-blowing questions

1. From which plant is linen made? 2. To which country do the Azores and Madeira islands belong? 3. On what day does Lent end? 4. Lhasa is the capital of which country? 5. How many legs does a crab have? 6. How many players are there in a netball team? 7. Who was the Greek god of the dead? 8. What is the name of the author who wrote Pilgrimâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Progress? 9. What is the holy book of Judaism? 10. What is an ampersand? 11. Where would you see cirro-cumulus? 12. Which planet is nearest to the sun? 13. Who first climbed Mount Everest with Sir Edmund Hillary? 14. Which English queen only ruled for nine days? 15. What does facsimile mean? 16. What is a zucchini also known as? 17. In which century was the Taj Mahal built? 18. Approximately how long does sunlight take to reach the Earth?

19. Who is the science officer on the Starship Enterprise? 20. Who invented the sewing machine? Answers on page 23.

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Around AndalucĂa

Once upon a time...

in a land not that far away

Elvira, the Sainted Princess Wamba was king of the Goths, who inhabited the northern part of Lusitania (an ancient Roman province including approximately all of modern Portugal south of the Douro river, and the present autonomous community of Extremadura and a small part of the province of Salamanca). He was one of the bravest kings that ever reigned, and the walls of his palace still stand as evidence of the skill with which he studied to improve his capital. But although he was wise, he was not a good man, and his bravery in war was not tempered by mercy. Like all his predecessors, he was cruel to his victims, and was more feared than loved. Wamba had only one daughter, Elvira, whose mother was a princess of the Moorish family reigning in AndalucĂa. She was so beautiful and of such good nature that she contributed in no small degree to rendering her fatherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s reign famous.

Her long hair was a lovely glossy black and her eyes were of the same dark hue. She had all the softness of her race, and it was this very tenderness of appearance which gave majesty to her appearance. At this time there were very few Christians in Europe. It was thanks to the teachings of an old man, who worshipped this faith in secret, that Elvira had her first lessons in Christianity; once this seed was sown, it multiplied. Wamba did not know that his daughter was a Christian, but he knew that she was very good, and that for her goodness she was very much beloved by all his subjects. It so happened that in the dungeon of his palace there were many prisoners condemned to death by starvation, and it perplexed the king to know how it

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Around Andalucía was that they continued to live. Every morning he would ask the jailer if the prisoners had died, and the answer always was that they seemed quite well. So one day the king hid in a nook of the staircase, hoping to find out who was feeding his prisoners. He had not long to wait, for he soon saw Elvira descending, followed by a young courtier, Alaric, and carrying something in her apron. Elvira, unknown to her father, had been in the custom of carrying bread to the poor prisoners, and she was assisted in her work of mercy by her lover, Alaric. When she got close to the king, he appeared from his hiding-place and as he seized her by the arm, she, in her fright, let her apron fall open — out of which fell beautiful roses, into which the bread had been transformed.

Great was the surprise of the king, for he thought she was carrying victuals. Then, in his rage, he said: “Elvira, you are in league with Satan, and you and your lover shall die!” Elvira and Alaric were so astonished at what had taken place that they could not speak. They allowed themselves to be led away to separate prison cells without offering an explanation. Wamba had it proclaimed the next day that the pair would be burnt in the public square for having dealings with the devil. Many of his oldest courtiers tried to persuade him that he was too precipitate, but he was not to be moved and all that night, Elvira and Alaric prepared to meet their end. At the first ray of light Wamba was up, and hurried to the public square with his soldiers and executioners. Elvira and Alaric were led among a strong body of men. Preparations were well underway for the burning of the lovers, when Elvira’s old tutor presented himself before Wamba. “Know, O king, that thy daughter fears not death, for her comfort is on the Cross, and not on the Crescent,” he said. Continued on page 24

Twenty teasers answers 1. Flax 2. Portugal 3. Easter Sunday 4. Tibet 5. 10 6. 7 7. Hades 8. John Bunyan 9. The Torah 10. The character &

11. In the sky... it is a cloud 12. Mercury 13. Tensing Norgay 14. Lady Jane Grey 15. An exact copy 16. A courgette 17. The seventeenth 18. Eight minutes 19. Mr Spock 20. Isaac Singer

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Around Andalucía “If anyone be to blame, I am he, for I instructed her. Let me, then, be burned in her stead.” Wamba gazed fiercely at the old man, and raising his massive olive staff surmounted by a gold crown, exclaimed: “You shall also die, but not before you have witnessed her sufferings. Your God is a false God, or if He has the power to save all of you, He shall cause this ancient olive staff to grow and throw out green leaves by tomorrow morning, or else you shall all die.” Saying this, he stuck his royal staff into the ground.

Christian faith in its sapling stage was to throw out its spreading branches over the kingdom till they all became one people, loving but one God. Wamba commissioned a church to be built near the sacred spot, which still exists, and beside the place of worship there remains an olive tree. Alaric was married to Elvira, and after Wamba was called to the grave of his forefathers, these two reigned together. They appointed the old tutor as their counsellor.

Elvira was to be allowed to remain close to the staff, but with no-one to accompany her. So that she might not escape, guards were posted all round the square. Kneeling at the side of that emblem of authority, which for generations had been wielded by her ancestors, she gave vent to her prayers and tears, and the latter fell so quickly that they moistened the ground. When morning came and Wamba arrived, he saw his royal staff growing. It was but a sapling, but would undoubtedly grow into a tree, even as the

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School’s out for summer!

Alice’s Wonderland

by Alice Marriott

Hello it’s me – Alice Well at least that’s school over for another year – well, until September anyway! I’ve gone up which I am so pleased about; this year has been a struggle but it does prove that hard work pays off. Still not sure what I want to do when I leave education but I have another year to think about it I guess – until then I shall just enjoy the summer! The cats are enjoying the weather too. I admit they do sleep most of the day because of the heat but at night they’re all off finding mice and voles. I think it’s because the local farmers start having their fields cut down with the wheat and all the mice run out – shame they seem to run straight into the mouths of our cats! Mum’s battling with the ants as well – apparently she’s never known it this bad! Flies are horrid too – funny how all we do when the warm weather finally gets here is moan about something that it brings.

I plan not to do much moaning as long as nobody wakes me up too early during the holidays and the weather stays good enough to spend most of the rest of the time in the pool! Becky came off her scooter and broke her collarbone but she’s not too bad – seems like we’re always at the hospital at the moment. Poor Mum’s got to go back for another scan for another lump but I’m sure it’ll all be fine. One of Mum’s friends has had an operation on her eye and has to lie face down on her bed not moving for 15 days – must be so hard to do that. Amazing what other people are going through and you just never realise. I suppose sometimes it is just a nice thought to say ‘how are you?’ to people and genuinely mean it – I hope you are all OK and have a good summer too. Love Alice x

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Health & Beauty

Alcohol is a fickle mistress As the weather warms up, many of us head to the bar to enjoy a beverage, or two, and the long warmer evenings. This is something we humans have been doing for ages, so as the beer starts to flow and as the rounds tot up, these evening sessions can soon change our state of mind. This state goes by many names: getting inebriated, plastered, wasted, housed, trashed, canned, trash-canned, and of course drunk, or, as it’s often spelled in text messages, durnkk. It turns out the most correct term though is “intoxication,” as booze — any kind — is literally toxic. Alcohol’s active ingredient is ethanol, a toxin which produces effects in your body that can be anything from good to not good to very very bad, and usually in that order. If you’re like most people, you wake up after a big night on the town and think “What the hell just happened?” It may be that you might be referring to why there’s a road cone in your bed and your foot is in a bag of cotton wool balls, but for the sake of argument and this article, let’s assume you actually mean “What just happened inside my brain on a molecular level with regard to the consumption of ethanol-based alcohol?” Indeed it all starts with ethanol. Well, technically it starts with a six-pack purchased at the local supermarket, but ethanol is where things start to get screwy. As you drink, ethanol is absorbed into your bloodstream and goes to work on your brain. Through a variety of chemical interactions that would require many more pages and nearly 150,000€ worth of a PhD to explain, the ethanol reduces the effect of an excitatory neurotransmitter known as glutamate. If you went cross-eyed reading “excitatory neurotransmitter”, don’t worry. That’s normal. In layman’s terms, glutamate works to keep your brain up to speed: maintaining alertness, reactions, and it turns out, memory-making. When ethanol shows up and slaps glutamate in the face, those things are adversely affected, resulting in subdued co-ordination, slurred speech — even removal of clothing! Moreover, the ethanol works on parts of the brain associated with planning, resulting in impaired decisions, such as a 35€ order at a burger bar. Now, most agree alcohol in moderate doses is a good and enjoyable thing. It’s a relaxant, and can

produce feelings of euphoria, reduced inhibition and a perceived enhancement of dance moves and joke telling, all of which can be seen as big positives for the most part. But alcohol is a terribly fickle mistress. There’s a fine line to be walked (preferably straight) when it comes to drinking, and if it’s crossed, it quickly goes from The Good to The Bad, and then on to The Ugly. Literally. You see, some of that glutamate-slapping happens in the parts of your brain which control judgment and pleasure-seeking. This is where excess drinking leads to the beer-goggle effect, often referred to later as “regret.” As your cognitive ability decreases and your pleasure-seeking increases, there comes a point where your brain declares itself King of Awesome-time and Mayor of Pleasure-town, and decides that the possible partner sitting at the bar with the gin and tonic will do admirably. Luckily for you, ethanol has already had its way with the memory centres of your brain, so you won’t recall the cheesy chat-up lines and embarrassing moves with the stranger at the bar. It’s also why, in the morning, when you put your brain in front of the panel and ask it what in God’s name was it thinking, it answers “I seriously have no idea — I was going to ask you the same thing.” And lastly, there’s the aftermath — and we’re not talking about an awkward breakfast or impromptu tattoo you had. Alcohol dehydrates you — even more so in the warmer weather. This isn’t such a bad thing when you’re drinking, but it turns out to be a facemelting pain come morning. Dehydration, coupled with hypoglycaemia (low blood sugar), a vitamin B12 deficiency and acetaldehyde toxins left over from metabolising that booze have all had a hand in making you want to beg for the sweet embrace of death rather than endure another moment of “veisalgia,” also known as a hangover. So there you have it: the biological effects of your Saturday night. On a parting note, next time you are the worse for wear, try the old trick: just before you go to bed, down a pint glass of water, with no ice. Ideally make it two or three. Your hangover will be greatly diminished, if not absent. Thank us later.

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Just for Fun

25 useless things you just don’t need to know about... 1. Men break wind an average of 17 times a day; for women the average is nine 2. If you passed wind constantly for six years, nine months and 23 days you would produce enough gas to explode an atomic bomb 3. Humans are only second to cats for having the most unhygienic mouths 4. More than 2500 left-handed people are killed every year from using right-handed products 5. An average of 76 people a year die playing Twister™, and about 23 of these people were playing nude!

Deposito Legal MA-1110-2004 Copyright © 2004 - 2013 All rights reserved All advertisements are published in good faith and are for information purposes. We do not under any circumstances accept responsibility for the accuracy of such advertisements, nor is any kind of warranty or endorsement expressed or implied by such publication. The editorials are not a substitute for legal advice, and not intended or offered as such. The Andalucían does not therefore accept any duty of care to anyone who makes use of, or seeks to rely on, material in this publication. No part of this or any previous Local Connections or The Andalucían publications may be used or reproduced without the prior written consent of the owner.

6. The shortest war in history was between England and Zanzibar in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes 7. The average human will eat one pound of insects in their lifetime 8. You are more likely to be killed by a rogue champagne cork than a poisonous spider 9. Women blink nearly twice as much as men 10. Humans share one third of their DNA with lettuce 11. You could comfortably fit the entire population of the planet into a cube with sides 1km long 12. Approximately 69 per cent of all internet content consists of pornographic material 13. The average adult falls asleep seven minutes after turning out the light 14. 6000 new computer viruses are released every month

15. A Roman leap year had the same number of days as ordinary years but January 23rd lasted for 48 hours 16. More boys than girls are born during the day, but more girls are born at night 17. Pirates wore earrings because they believed it improved their eyesight 18. Volleyball is the most popular sport at nudist camps 19. If you mouth the word "colourful" to someone, it looks like you are saying "I love you" 20. Every time you lick a stamp you consume one tenth of a calorie 21. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour 22. There is an average of 3000 feet of electrical wiring in a car 23. There is a city called Rome on every continent 24. The earth is hit by lightning 100 times a second 25. Typewriter is the longest word that can be made using only the letters on the top row of the keyboard

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Puzzle answers - (from pages 12 - 13) Sudoku easy

Maths Challenge

Sudoku Hard

Solution to Odd One Out: The mirror image is on the right, but it is on the left in all the others.

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