Editor’s Slice
Hello
This month has been a bit of a revelation for me. I realised that we have owned the magazine for three years, we’ve held almost 120 auctions, our girls are getting older and after my participation in the AMIDIS funday football match – so am I! Read about the day on page 26 and see more photos on our Facebook page. There’s a lot to be said for how life can pass you by; kids grow up in the blink of an eye and you can sometimes lose focus on your goals. If you are feeling this way, why not take advantage of Karen’s offer on page 17 of a free coaching session exclusive to our readers? To coincide with National Armed Forces day at the end of June, we are asking for gift donations for our troops currently out in Afghanistan; see the article on page 4, outlining the items which can be sent. The end of the month also sees the start of Wimbledon too – so I had better get a few jobs finished off around the house before I plead for a fortnight of peace and quiet and the remote! So that’s all from me for this month so…. enjoy the read, please carry on supporting our wonderful advertisers and remember to find time for yourself and enjoy the summer!
Mike
The Andalucían X5092417D Calle Juanita Romero s/n Campillos 29320, Malaga Telephone: +34 952 723075 Mobile: +34 627 683380 info@theandalucian.com www.theandalucian.com www.facebook.com/theandalucian Owner: Claire Marriott Editor: Mike Marriott
Next deadline: 28 June Special thanks to our writers and contributors Alice Marriott Piers Nolan Diana Berryman Stuart Langley John Sharrock Taylor Tricia Johnson Karen Walentek-Smith Zofia Coulton Deposito Legal MA-1110-2004 Copyright © 2004 - 2013 All rights reserved All advertisements are published in good faith and are for information purposes. We do not under any circumstances accept responsibility for the accuracy of such advertisements, nor is any kind of warranty or endorsement expressed or implied by such publication. The editorials are not a substitute for legal advice, and not intended or offered as such. The Andalucían does not therefore accept any duty of care to anyone who makes use of, or seeks to rely on, material in this publication. No part of this or any previous Local Connections or The Andalucían publications may be used or reproduced without the prior written consent of the owner.
Charity News
Box up your kindness and treat our troops With many of our troops still deployed to Afghanistan we are once again asking for your help to keep their morale high. One lady from Campillos, Teresa Batson, is on a campaign to help boost the troops’ spirits when they are so far from home. Having two sons in the Royal Gibraltar Regiment, with one currently serving in Afghanistan, proud mum Teresa has been sending parcels to the heroes on the front line for over a year and she can confirm that there’s nothing they like more than receiving a piece of home once in a while. There are a few guidelines that need to be followed: 1) Everything must fit into a shoebox 2) Lads’ mags such as NUTS and ZOO are allowed – but no pornographic titles 3) Very important – no glass, aerosols or pump action sprays 4) No marzipan as apparently it smells like Semtex! Hot on the wanted list are sweets and chocolate — not only do they boost the troops’ morale but they
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really boost their energy whilst on duty. Encouraging letters from home are also great gifts to send and other than your time, really do not cost anything except your kindness. If you can donate any of the items below (they must fit in a shoebox), or fill a shoebox yourself with items on the list, please bring them to Andalucian Auctions in Campillos and they will be passed on to Teresa. Alternatively, contact Teresa directly at teresamarkinspain@hotmail.com for more information. Don’t worry about the weight as all parcels will be sent via BFPO from Gibraltar. Last year, a poll conducted on British television concluded that most ladies have on average 30 pairs of shoes, so ladies — or men — if you have any spare empty shoe boxes, please bring those to Andalucian Auctions too as they are desperately needed!
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Charity News Toiletries Toothpaste, toothbrushes, shampoo, conditioner, shower gel, travel wash, roll-on deodorant, razors, shaving gel, talc, foot powder, cotton buds, wet/moist wipes, tissues and lip salve. Snacks Pringles, crisps, nuts, pork scratchings, beef jerky, savoury rice, noodles, oatcakes, crackers, stock cubes, packet soups, fruit/cereal bars, fruit flakes, dried fruit, shortbread, small cakes, biscuits, small tins of fruit, packets of custard, evaporated milk, condensed milk, travel sweets, toffee, fudge, Mars bars or similar, chocolate raisins, chocolate peanuts, energy sweets, Love hearts, fruit pastilles or similar, lollipops, mints and chewing gum. Recreation and clothing Paperback books, magazines (NOT TOP SHELF), puzzle books, sport programmes, playing cards, travel games, jigsaws, pens, pencils, notebooks, artists’ paints, sketch books and batteries. Socks, underwear and T shirts.
The Mollina branch of the Royal British Legion is holding an Armed Forces Day picnic on Tuesday June 25 at Parque La Vina, Mollina, from 12 until 4pm. Tickets are 5â‚Ź each which includes admission and food. Liquid refreshments will be available to purchase from the clubhouse bar.
All proceeds go towards Royal British Legion funds. Visit the RBL stand at Saydo Market in Mollina on Wednesday or contact Tony Burns, Social Secretary of the Mollina Branch RBL for more details at tonyburns99@msn.com
Pharmacy and misc. Imodium, Rennie, paracetamol, plasters, insect repellents and sunscreen. Boot laces, blank greetings cards and message of support
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Spotlight
Help is at hand for domestic violence victims
The British Consulate in Málaga, working with the Ayuntamiento de Mijas and Costa Women, has held an event to raise awareness of the issue of domestic violence amongst British nationals in Andalucía.
Vice-Consul Rosslyn Crotty said: “Our primary focus is to help the vulnerable; with the large number of the arrests we receive relating to domestic violence, we need to let British nationals know that this is a real concern and we want to advise them where to go to seek help.” Amongst the speakers were the National Police, Guardia Civil, The Soroptmists International, SAVA (Servicio de Asistencia a la Victima en Andalucía), and the Centro de Mujer and Social Services. The event was held at the CIO Mijas (Centro Andaluz de Formación Integral de las Industrias del Ocio). The aim of the event was to promote a life without violence and each speaker touched on different points. The Soroptimists International is a worldwide organisation focusing on women’s issues. It is keen to highlight the 24hour helpline - 900 200 999 which offers information in 51 languages relating to the rights of victims of domestic violence. The organisation encourages victims to use the hotline and to pass on the campaign message “You are not alone”. Encarna Daunis, a lawyer and representative from the Centro de Mujer and Social Services, stressed the importance of including as much information as possible when making a ‘denuncia’ (official complaint) to the police. She asked victims to take
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their time when making the police report and to include specific details about their situation, including their living conditions as well as their mistreatment. Both the National Police and the Guardia Civil operate an electronic tag system similar to that in the UK, allowing the police to keep track of offenders with restraining orders in place. The police forces said they work closely together to protect victims of domestic violence, and operate a sophisticated programme in order to assess each case and its level of danger. Some 400 electronic tags are in operation for offenders of gender or domestic violence, with 26 of the bracelets being used in the Málaga province. SAVA explained the help available to victims and how the organisation can provide psychological assistance and legal guidance, or can accompany victims during police, judicial and medical proceedings. Ali Meehan from Costa Women, a social and business network, wanted to remind victims that there is a network of support available and they do not have to live a life of violence. If you or anyone you know needs assistance relating to domestic or gender violence, call 900 200 999 or 016 where English speaking support is available. Rosslyn Crotty said: “Domestic violence is unacceptable in Britain and unacceptable here. The Spanish police have a ‘zero tolerance’ attitude. I would encourage victims to have confidence that a complaint to them will be taken seriously. There are also a whole range of organisations ready to help and offer support.”
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Just for Fun
June’s twenty teasers -
mixed bag of mind-blowing questions
1 What is the former name of Thailand? 2 The flag of which nation is a single white cross on a red background? 3 Sn is the symbol for which element? 4 If A is Alpha, what is N? 5 How many years of marriage are celebrated by an emerald anniversary? 6 How many pieces are there in a set of dominoes? 7 Whose nephews are Huey, Dewey and Louie? 8 Which TV series was a spin-off from ‘Dallas’? 9 What type of vehicle was a Green Goddess? 10 Heads of the US presidents are carved into which mountain? 11 Which is the biggest city in Scotland? 12 How many bones are in the human body?
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13 Who killed Cock Robin? 14 In what sport are there line-outs? 15 What is the world’s smallest country? 16 How many muscles are there in the human body? 17 What was a blunderbuss? 18 Who wrote Robinson Crusoe? 19 Where is the biggest and busiest McDonald’s? 20 Which group of sea mammals lives in herds and barks?
Answers on page 19.
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Short Story
The Zen garden by Piers Nolan In my pueblo there is always building work going on somewhere. People are always changing and improving their houses, so I was not surprised to see a pile of sand at the bottom of one of my neighbours’ gardens with a shovel sticking in it; a dead giveaway that building works were going on. What did surprise me, though, was the person standing next to the shovel. Many things go together well — cheese and wine, eggs and bacon, fish and chips. Others clash: red and green, oil and water…. and Loveless and a shovel. Loveless was Joan's son and he was the last person I would expect to be standing next to a shovel. Although he was standing close to it, his body language was screaming that it was nothing to do with him. When he saw me he stepped away from the heap of sand as though it was a pile of warm elephant droppings. Just then a strident voice from the other side of the garden wall commanded, "Mix some more." It was the dreaded Joan, his mother. Loveless’s face dropped. I put on a big smile and said, “Hi Loveless. How are things going?” The expression on his face took on a new depth of despair. Imagine one of Napoleon's captains retreating from the gates of Moscow in midwinter, the frozen bodies of his fallen troops piled at the side of the road, and Russian snipers and artillery adding to their terrible misery. If you had asked the captain cheerfully, “How are things going?” the expression that you would have seen would not have been too far from the one Loveless was wearing. “OK,” he said, with a voice as light as dropped lead. Just then Joan came through the garden gate with a face like thunder. “I said mix some more,” she snarled. “Hi Joan,” I said. “What do you want?” she hissed. “Just passing,” I explained. “What are you up to?” Joan drew herself up to her full height and explained haughtily, “I have been commissioned to create a Zen garden by Pauline.”
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I have to confess I was taken aback by this revelation. In Andalucía, there is a distinct rarity of Zen gardens. Meditation and spiritual development are not high on the agenda of the average Andaluz farmer. Knowing Pauline, whose garden it was, I began to have a shadow of doubt about validity of this Zen garden. It’s usually not a good idea to probe too much into Joan’s world — it can quickly become very confusing, but I could not resist this particular probe. “What exactly is a Zen garden?” I asked. “It is a secluded space where the inter-dimensional forces of the universe are channelled and controlled. The benign power that flows through everything is focused by the structure of a Zen garden, bringing good luck and health to the people who inhabit the house. You must arrange certain stones with their relative power-vortices so that the flow of positive energy is pure. You have to say the correct prayers and incantations with each phase of the construction. I have studied the subject exhaustively and have been trained by masters of the art," she explained. "Wow! Very impressive," I answered. "Where did you train to be a Zen gardener?” "She downloaded it from the internet," explained Loveless. “That’s where she gets all her stuff from. She pays 10€ a month for them to send her this rubbish.” Joan gave Loveless a glare and barked, “Mix some more cement." "May I take a look?" I probed a little deeper. "Of course." Joan was warming to her new role as teacher of oriental wisdom and bringer of enlightenment. “This first wall is a step down to the rest of the garden. It will be on two levels symbolizing the yin and yang of the universe where each positive force is balanced by a negative force, thus bringing equilibrium to all things,” she said, as we stood at the side of a narrow trench which she had excavated with a gardening trowel. She had been patting in cement with her hands as a foundation.
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Short Story “Why not use wooden shutters and just pour the concrete in? That’s what everybody else does,” I ventured. Joan looked at me as though I had just released a nasty smell. “Because you would violate the energy field generated by my hands and prayers,” she coldly informed me. “I see,” I lied.
"What's all this about a Zen garden?" she demanded. “Well, Joan said you had commissioned her to build one. “I explained. “Zen bloody garden my backside! I told her to build a wall so I could have two levels of reasonably flat garden. Just look at this,” she snarled. I followed her into the garden of tranquillity, fearing that the some of the inter-dimensional forces might not be quite in balance. I was not wrong.
On the way to the shops I was wondering if Zen gardens had gargoyles, because Loveless's face would have been a perfect model for one.
“I told her to build a wall across from the steps to the far end of the garden. Look what she has done. So far I have paid her 300€ for this,” Pauline explained. The wall was a roughly vertical pile of bricks, which began at the steps and meandered across the garden like a drunk’s footsteps. It followed the contours of the ground beneath it exactly, showing no need for any form of horizontal linearity or vertical order. Before it got to the far wall it fell over and lay comatose on its side, having given up all hope of being a wall and content to sleep it off till another day.
Three days later, I walked past the bottom of Pauline's garden and looked over the wall. Pauline and Joan were bending over the wall dividing yin from yang and talking seriously.
“I will come along in the morning and straighten it out, Pauline,” I said. I felt sorry for her having had to pay for this disaster. “It won’t take long.”
I foolishly called out, “How's the Zen garden coming along?” Both heads snapped up and looked at me with very strange, strained expressions. Realising that I may have put my foot in it, I smiled and said "Must go and catch the shops before they close. Bye."
In the morning, I arrived with a few tools. Within minutes, Joan had arrived with Loveless. I touched the cement. Some of it was still wet and soft. I worked along the line of bricks and broke it up with my hands. When I had , I had separated a good percentage of bricks and cleaned the mortar off them. In actual fact there had been no need to rush because there was not enough cement in the sand for it to be called mortar. It would never have set anyway.
I decided that I had probed enough for one day and suggested that I would call in from time to time and see how the work progressed. I made my excuses, left the garden of eternal bliss and stepped into the real world. I said hasta luego to Loveless as I passed, but he did not look up from his mixing.
I returned by the same route a half hour later and cheekily peeped over the wall to see what had happened. As I did so, I saw Pauline alone. She had seen my head pop up and was looking at me. She called me into the garden.
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Continued on page 12
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Short Story I began to mix cement outside the gates whilst a conversation developed inside the Zen garden between Pauline and Joan. I returned with a bucket full of cement and listened in. As I re-lay the cleaned bricks from Joan's attempt at hand-patted bricklaying and prayer-laden foundations, I listened to Joan’s explanation. “You must understand that this work is labour intensive and the hours I spend are for your ultimate benefit,” Joan said. “I cannot rush in case I make a mistake and waste your time and money.” “Joan, I would hate to see one of your mistakes if this is an example of you getting it right. The whole bloody wall is a mistake; hiring you was a mistake,” Pauline said in a voice like iron. “Look at it. It's just a pile of rubbish that I have paid 300€ for.” Joan was now trapped in a corner, but true to her nature she easily sidestepped the blame. “The wall was not like this when I left it yesterday.” Joan was thinking on the hoof. “There must have been an earthquake in the night!” For a few seconds there was a silence you could cut with a trowel. I spread my feet in anticipation of the real earthquake which was about to arrive, whilst I watched its rapid approach on Pauline's face. “You idiot!” Pauline shouted. “Do you think I am going to believe that?” She pointed at me and said, “do as he says and don't open your mouth again.” I unravelled my line band and pinned it to one end of the wall with a heavy stone. I did the same to the other end, but only after great deal of thought. I already had the foundations, but they were aligned to universal forces, whereas my line band only showed the shortest distance between two points. Finding a mean was difficult because there was no obvious general direction. In the end, I chose the line of least work. The wall would not be at right angles to the rest of the garden, but it would be straight. Whilst I was doing this, Pauline had seen my use of the line band. She asked Joan why she had not used one. “Oh I have one of those in my tool bag,” Joan glibly answered, unaware that she had just put her foot on a mine. “Well why the bloody hell didn't you use it?” Pauline answered at the top of her voice. Joan was silent.
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At this point I revealed my secret weapon — a spirit level. Pauline fell on Joan like a ton of bricks. “Why didn't you use a level?” she snapped. “In three days' work I have never seen you use a level.” “Yes I did,” blurted Joan. “I used my bottle of water!” “How can you use a bottle of water as a level?” Pauline barked. My ears came up too. This was a new one on me. “The bottle of water has a bubble in it. Lay it on the wall on its side and you have a level.” Pauline gasped at this revelation as did I. “Then why is your wall not level?” Pauline asked quietly. “Well it was a warm day, so we drank all the water in the bottle,” Loveless explained before his mother could invent an answer. Pauline was speechless with anger. She turned and stormed into the house. “Maybe you should have taken more notice of the spirit level than the spirit guide, Joan,” I added. "Why don't you help Loveless mix some cement?" I had to turn away. Laughing out loud would not have helped the situation. Joan strutted down the path and left the garden of meditation. I had the feeling that in future years, Pauline would be far from tranquil in this garden when she thought of how much she had paid for this little wall. After a couple of hours, I had restored some semblance of linearity to the wall and was filling in some of the hollows where its original course had followed a power vortex instead of a piece of string. Pauline had, by now, calmed down. She came and looked at the new wall. “I will cement render it tomorrow if you wish,” I said to her. “No thank you. I am going to get a Spanish builder to finish everything off. Thank you for helping me.” Joan's face dropped. “I can finish the work now,” she offered. Pauline walked up to Joan and stood inches from her face. “In two hours, he has done correctly what took you three days to do wrong. Get out of my garden and don't ever set foot in it again,” she hissed. I gathered up my tools whilst Joan told Loveless to pick up hers. We all left the Zen garden and went our separate ways. Call me evil, but I could not resist calling over my shoulder to the master of unseen forces and her acolyte. “See you later Joan, and watch out for earthquakes on the way home.”
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Spotlight
¡Me no hablo mucho español!
by John Sharrock Taylor
I was walking with my son Will in the famous Lanes at Brighton where to his evident pleasure and mine, we met a very pretty Spanish girl. He kissed her on both cheeks and they launched into the ‘I haven’t seen you for eons and how the heck are you anyway?’ kind of conversation which happens when friends meet for the first time for over a week. But after a minute or so the young woman said seriously: ‘Will, we are being discourteous to your father.’
My son grinned cheekily back at her and replied, still in castellano, ‘Don’t worry about my Dad. He speaks better Spanish than you do.’ Though not true, it was a nice compliment and also something of a standing joke in our family. We both started to learn Spanish in El Salvador over 20 years ago when Will was nine and I was 44. I rapidly became a competent enough speaker for most purposes and my grasp of the grammar is also quite good, though I still ask my friend Mári to check anything — such as a concert programme — which is going to appear in public. Will, on the other hand, refused to speak a word of Spanish for the first two years of his life in Latin America. Then he went off to play rugby in Buenos Aires and returned both fluent and voluble — though when I commented that it was a great thing to grow up with two languages he muttered darkly, ‘Yes, you end up talking pidgin in both of them.’ In spite of that early touch of linguistic pessimism, his 32nd year finds him with an impressive CV portfolio which includes translating, copywriting for the tourism industry and working as the only nonHispanic member of BUPA’s bilingual advisory team.
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The El Salvador years were so long ago that it would be difficult to remember a time when our family couldn't make itself understood in Spanish — difficult, that is, if we did not have such vivid memories of my colleague Ian Robertson’s heroic efforts as our first mentor and translator. We reached San Salvador in the middle of the school vacation when almost all the British school staff were on leave. We arrived on the evening of the exact day I had signalled to Mr McQuiggan, the headmaster, and he in turn had briefed Ian to meet us. Ian had duly sat at the airport all day anxiously scanning the arrivals from every Miami flight, but no Taylors had materialised. This should not have been surprising as I had also advised the headmaster that we were coming by road in a circuitous route from Connecticut via Pennsylvania, Virginia, the Carolinas, Tennessee, Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas, Mexico and Guatemala — a fact which Mr McQuiggan, who was habitually slightly vaguer than mist, had forgotten to pass on. The morning after our arrival we ate a leisurely breakfast, watched a total eclipse of the sun from the hotel garden then telephoned the school secretary who first expressed consternation that we had managed to evade Ian at the airport and then rapidly despatched him to collect us. Once we had made contact we found him to be immensely kind; a big bear-like man who was prepared to devote a week or more of his own vacation to helping complete strangers to find their feet in an unfamiliar land. The next few days were a frantic flurry of activity as he squired us around house rental agents, supermarkets and immigration offices, supporting us through the 101 things necessary for a foreign family arriving in a new country. While it was clear that most of the time Ian DID manage to communicate at some level with the locals it was not, in Startrek parlance, communication as we know it. He spoke at machine-gun speed in a strong Liverpool accent with frequent ‘I means’ interjected in Liverpudlian. When we came to know some Spanish ourselves, certain characteristics of Ian’s unique version of it began to emerge. He never, for instance, attempted to inflect the verb but clung grimly to the first person singular, merely changing the pronoun. For some reason known only to himself, he avoided ‘yo’ altogether, so the verb ‘to walk’ went
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Spotlight ‘me camino, tu camino el camino... anything other than the present tense being, of course, out of the question. His treatment of the verb ‘hablar’ was particularly interesting. As I’m sure you are aware, the English equivalent is, quite precisely, ‘to speak’, so that ‘hablo Español’ means ‘I speak Spanish’. I wondered if Ian had been influenced by German ‘haben’ which means both ‘to speak’ and ‘to have, so that ‘Ich habe Deutsch’ means ‘I have/ speak German’, because he clearly thought that ‘me hablo’ (heavily aspirated) would do for both ‘I speak’ and ‘I have’. In such constructions as ‘me hablo septimo grado mañana’ the confusion was not crucial but ‘me hablo cinco kilos de patatas’, in which he was apparently admitting to conversing with a sack of spuds, was definitely inclined to raise an eyebrow. As you know, Spanish has two verbs ‘to be’: ser, which deals with permanent things and estar which usually (but not always) covers the temporary. There was no way Ian was going to attempt both verbs so he settled for estar which he of course he conjugated as ‘me ésta, tu ésta, el ésta...with the accent firmly on the wrong syllable. In addition to the usual meaning of ‘I am, you are, he is…’ he also used it to denote intention, as in ‘¿Ésta tú La Luna hoy noche?’ meaning ‘Are you going to La Luna (a popular local restaurant) this evening?’
But by far the most interesting of Ian’s contributions to Hispanic linguistics was the word ‘consumenty’, which, according to context, could be either a noun or a verb. You can’t find ‘consumenty’ in your Spanish dictionary? Don’t worry. Neither can I or anybody else because it’s neither Spanish nor English, but pure Ian. Let me explain. Ian taught Theory of Knowledge in the International Baccalaureate Diploma programme. Theory of Knowledge in Spanish is Teoría de Conocimiento. Ian, having a tin ear, heard ‘conocimiento’ as ‘consumenty’ and via his own unique processes of logic concluded that if ‘knowledge’ was ‘consumenty’ then ‘me consumenty’ must mean ‘I know’. There were two truly positive things about Ian’s Spanish. The first was the fact that he used it at all, unlike so many Britons abroad who are inclined just to speak loudly while bemoaning the fact that the benighted foreigner doesn’t even, by George, talk the Queen’s English. The second was that our Salvadoran colleagues actually encouraged Ian to mangle their language. Unlike the supercilious French, native speakers of Spanish will seldom insult the floundering foreigner by revealing that their English is ten times better than his attempts at
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Continued on page 16
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Spotlight their idioma. But there was also more than a touch of devilment in it when any contribution Ian made in English during a staff meeting was immediately greeted with joyous demands of ‘Castellano, Ian! castellano!’ Ian, who knew perfectly well that they were sending him up, was always happy to oblige. Bizarre as his own version of the language was, one extremely useful piece of advice Ian gave us in those early days is well worth repeating — albeit with the necessary grammatical tweak: ‘As soon as you start to speak to a local he’ll automatically reply in rapid Spanish which you won’t understand, so it’s best to say right at the beginning ‘Me no hablo mucho Espanol’. Almost exactly a year after our arrival in San Salvador Ian, who was inclined to be careless about his diet, suffered a diabetic crisis. Once again he, Val and I seemed to be the only members of staff who had not gone off on summer vacation. I bundled him into the car and drove him down to the clinic. The GP took his blood pressure, rolled his eyes to heaven, picked up the phone and spoke rapidly into it. Then he turned to me and said: ‘The endocrinologist is waiting for you. Her consultation room is three doors down the corridor. Get him there as fast as you can. This is serious. His
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blood pressure is sky high.’ The endocrinologist attempted to ask Ian a number of diagnostic questions but he was semi-delirious and simply rambled on in his garbled version of ‘castellano’. ‘What is he speaking?’ she asked me in some consternation. ‘Is it French? ‘No,’ I replied. ‘Let me try. Ian, listen carefully. This is how we’re going to do it. The doctor will ask a question in Spanish. I will translate it into English and you will answer BRIEFLY and then shut up while I give her your answer.’ I know it worked, because when I saw Ian in London 10 years after his crisis, he was looking a lot fitter and healthier than he had in the El Salvador years, which might not have been the case if we had not been able to organise some reasonably accurate communication between him and the medics. And that, of course is the point of my story. We wince a bit when we read an English version of a Spanish menu which has obviously been done on an auto translator (conveniently forgetting the kindly tolerance of our Spanish neighbours when they hear us massacring their beautiful language) but some situations really are a matter of life and death and require a competent translator such as my boy Will. Or, if you’re really desperate, me.
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Health & Beauty
Why would anyone need a life coach?
by Karen Walentek-Smith Dip SW (CETSW registered)
I would ask you to consider this: ALL great sports people, business people and famous artistes have a coach — or a team of people — who focus on their talents or goals to optimise their performance. This might be a sports performance coach, an Alan Sugar-type business mentor or a voice/acting director/coach. What has that got to with you? Well, imagine optimising your life, losing weight, improving fitness, business and/ or career. Imagine achieving and having the life you deserve. You may not even know what you are capable of achieving — you may just feel a little unfulfilled but not know why. How can you fix that if you don’t know where or what?
Achieving your goals is not a race – it’s a journey. You will NEVER reach your destination if you don’t know where you’re going! I was trained as a life/executive coach whilst working for Orange mobile phone company in the UK under the direction of a company training progamme, introduced by Hans Snook. I have since undertaken a specialised personal coaching course with NEW INSIGHTS coaching programme.
A life coach CAN help you to live your life to the MAX; inspire you to push yourself to the next level. I DARE you to take that risk!
For more information contact Karen on 646 569700 or email her at Karen_wal@hotmail.com follow Karen on Facebook at Coach My Goals
I challenge you to sign up for a FREE consultation (exclusive to ANDALUCIAN readers) to discover the reason why YOUR life, business or career would benefit from coaching.
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Spotlight
Get peace of mind with The crisis in Spain — and in Europe generally — has affected many aspects of everyday life for us all. One of the problems which has increased in these dire financial times is crime. Robberies of businesses and private homes are on the increase and desperate thieves are going to any lengths to steal property to sell. Keeping your business — and more importantly, your home — safe from these thieves has never been more important, and there are several ways in which you can do this: • Perform a security check on your home and/ or business: have a professional assess them for security weak spots and advise on how better to secure them. • Fit a burglar alarm: just having an alarm box on the outside of your home or business can be a deterrent, but a properly-fitted security system can
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give you peace of mind when you are away and can act as an early warning system for break-ins while you are at home. • Fit CCTV cameras: if you have cameras installed at your home or business you have the peace of mind of having 24-hour surveillance which you can access from anywhere in the world. You also have the benefit of recording the thieves if they do attempt to access your premises. Andalucian Security can help you with any of the above and we are also available for advice at any time. Please contact us on alarms@andaluciangeeks.com or call Shaun 671305803.
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Things to Do
Would you step onboard
The Celebration?
TAPAS (The Andalucia Performing Arts Society) is busy rehearsing for ‘Who killed the ship’s captain?’ - the next murder mystery production which takes place in the theatre at Los Arcos, km6 A7059 Coin/ Cartama road on Friday and Saturday, June 28 and 29, 7.30 for 8pm. There will be different endings each night to make sure the secret is safe! Set in the passenger lounge of the (fictional) passenger ship ‘The Celebration,’ it is 1912, three months after the sinking of the Titanic.... and tensions are running high! Edward Pearson is the captain of the ship. He’s generally an honourable, reliable, upstanding chap.... but since the sinking of the Titanic he’s been less than efficient at his job. Many characters are upset with him... but who would want him dead? Tickets, which are €12 (Members €9), include a one-course supper of roast chicken and chips (a
vegetarian option is available on request). They are available from the usual outlets and from the box office, phone 635 293 714. Further information can also be found on the TAPAS website www. tapassociety.com
Twenty teasers answers
1. Siam 2. Switzerland 3. Tin 4. November 5. 55 6. 28 7. Donald Duck 8. Knott’s Landing 9. Fire engine 10. Mount Rushmore
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11. Glasgow 12. 206 13. The sparrow 14. Rugby 15. The Vatican 16. 639 17. A gun 18. Daniel Defoe 19. Moscow 20. Seals
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Health & Beauty
Positively Pink and Positively Blue FREE screening programmes
Positively Pink and Positively Blue are Mijasbased charities whose sole purpose is to raise the necessary funds to provide education, support and a FREE breast screening programme to British women, and FREE screening programme for prostate and testicular cancer for British men who live on the Costa del Sol. Positively Pink The breast screening programme is a comprehensive process (gold standard) which includes a consultation, physical examination, health education, a mammogram or ultrasound — or in some cases both — and an English translation of the result(s). This is carried out in conjunction with Clinica Medicare, a nurse-led British health centre based in La Cala de Mijas, and Dr David Deardon, a UK-trained specialist and head of The British Surgical Clinic. Medicare and its medical team provide their time, clinic space and expertise free of charge for the charity.
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During the 2012 screening programme, more than 420 men and women accessed the free programmes with 10 ladies receiving a positive diagnosis. All are being treated and doing well. During the 2012 programme, Positively Pink spent in excess of â‚Ź35,700 to ensure that screening is available to all UK expatriates living on the Costa del Sol, regardless of age or circumstances. Lorraine Palmer, the founder of Positively Pink, believes that early detection is the best protection and this certainly proved to be the case during the 2012 campaign. The majority of the ladies who received a positive diagnosis would not ordinarily have been screened via the State screening programme as they are over the upper age limit (65). The charity remains committed to raising the necessary funds to continue with the FREE
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Health & Beauty screening programme. All funds raised by Positively Pink are used solely to cover the costs of the ultrasounds and mammograms; all the volunteers who run and support the charity do so without any fees. All administration costs are absorbed by the El Oceano Hotel & Spa.
alone. Around eight in 10 cases occur in men over the age of 65, but it is rare in men under 50. Unlike many other cancers, prostate cancer is often present for many years without you realising it. This is because in many cases, the cancer is slow-growing and can take many years to cause any symptoms.
Positively Blue In January 2013, Positively Pink launched a new charity solely for men: Positively Blue. This has been set up to duplicate the services of Positively Pink and raise sufficient funds to provide a FREE screening programme for prostate and testicular cancer. It is run in conjunction with Clinica Medicare and Dr Wolfgang Kleimeier of Clinica Urologica de Marbella, an established and well respected specialist in urology.
Although uncommon, cancer of the testis is the most common cancer in young men in the UK. About one in 500 men between the ages of 15 and 50 develop it. The exact cause is not known, but if caught early, it is one of the easiest cancers to treat and cure.
FREE PSA blood tests for prostate cancer and a full programme of education, information and support for testicular cancer will be available for all British men living on the Costa del Sol. Prostate cancer is a common cancer in older men. Every year, 22,000 men are diagnosed in the UK
We are delighted to inform you that appointments for both Positively Pink and Positively Blue are available to book by calling Clinica Medicare on 952 835 776. The programme began on June 4 and will run every Tuesday (every other Tuesday for Positively Blue) until the middle of December 2013, with appointments being made on a first come, first served basis. IMPORTANT NOTE: as in previous years, the screenings are offered free of charge, but the charity would ask all attendees to be generous with any donations they wish to make, as these funds help the charity fund future years’ programmes.
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Spotlight
Who needs social media? by Zofia Coulton So you have your own business, a great website — maybe a really great all-singing and all-dancing website ─ so what else do you need? What about a Facebook page? A Twitter account? A LinkedIn profile? Pinterest? Or any other social network? Maybe most of you already have at least a Facebook page (and of course it must be a page, not a profile, which is against Facebook rules). If you do, what do you do with it? If you don’t, why not? I’d like to talk about why businesses need social media and how best to use it to maximise engagement, which in turn will generate more potential customers or clients. Let’s look at Facebook first – the biggy. More than a billion people use Facebook in the world today. It is the biggest potential audience in existence. Surely it makes sense to be part of it. You can use your page to showcase your products, feature new launches, create events, conduct polls, ask opinions for research and engage with your fans/likers. Unlike a website, you can be really ‘social’ on Facebook.
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It’s a two-way thing and you can communicate with people, have conversations, respond to queries and even criticisms. Also unlike a website you can add content every day and change things around easily. You can link to other sites of interest to your customers. Your friends can share your posts to their friends. Other pages can share your posts. You can share your page posts on any groups you may belong to, relating to your location or your business sector. You can even buy an advert – not very expensive and worth doing for some companies. And the potential audience is massive. But if you don’t buy an ad, or pay to promote your posts, the best thing about it is it’s FREE! What about Twitter? A lot of people don’t ‘get’ Twitter, but its value for businesses is immense. Twitter is
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Spotlight in many ways more sociable than Facebook. OK, so you are restricted to 140 characters, but it’s far easier to target potential customers than on Facebook. You can search people by category/ location. Use hashtags (#) to find (and post) about certain categories, business sectors or locations. Follow people in your sector and many of them will follow you back and see your tweets. You can tweet photos, links, competitions (on Facebook, competitions are subject to strict rules) and even videos; most things in fact. Many businesses we know say that Twitter is much better for business networking than Facebook.
So what are you waiting for? Zofia Coulton is a partner at Social Butterfly — a social media agency. If you need help with your social media campaign please look at our website for our packages www.thesocialbutterfly.org.uk or get in touch at zofia@thesocialbutterfly.org.uk See advert on page 27 for more details and exclusive offers for The Andalucían readers.
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Alice’s Wonderland
Bumps, bruises and bookworms Hi, it’s Alice again Only a few weeks left of the school year and I can’t wait for my exams to be over. It’s strange here in Spain because if you don’t get good enough grades, you get held back another year. I’m on track to pass my subjects which will mean next year is my last in high school. Becky is nearly at the end of her school year too; she studies in the evenings from 6 – 10pm. She’s doing really well and got a 10/10 in her geography; she was the only one in the class to do so. At the minute she’s looking into college but she’s not sure what she wants to do as a job, so it’s a hard choice to know what subjects to do. Dad played football the other Sunday with Jack and some friends from Mollina. They did really well and
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it was a great day out. Dad suffered when he got off the pitch and I think it will take a few weeks for his muscles to get back to normal again. Grandma took a tumble playing padel and bruised her backside, then she got so excited when a book arrived at the post office that she fell over in the street and grazed her knee – hope the book is worth the read! I’ve just read four books in about a week by James Patterson. I love reading and think more people should do it. Off to find a school book now – not so keen on reading those! Love Alice x
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Charity News
All in the name of fun for Amidis
An unexpectedly large crowd of both British and Spanish supporters turned up on a sweltering Sunday June 2 to help raise funds and awareness at the charity fun day held in aid of AMIDIS — a Spanish charity which benefits Mollina’s disabled children. The ladies’ match, Britain V Spain, was a game which swung this way and then that — and then this way again. Due to a few injuries there were a few substitutes but the ladies used their intuition and picked a couple of the Spanish team to help. The whistle blew finishing with a 2-2 draw. All hopes rested on the ladies taking their penalties… one by one the girls walked up to the spot in their very respectable pink and black outfits. A hush went round the ground. Get in. A riveting 9-7 and the British babes did it… well done to Gina, Michelle, Carolina, Maria, Tracey, Megan and a few sub-senoritas! In the men’s tug of war competition, the heavyweight Spanish team beat us fairly. There were no overall winners in the children’s and ladies’ matches but good fun was had by all despite a few rope burns. The men’s football was the big one — the match we’d all been waiting for. Tension was mounting, mainly in the stitching of the England players’ slightly snug-fitting kit as the teams came out of the dressing room. Spain looked dapper in their red tops and black shorts – England looked… bright, very bright in their yellow ensemble!
As the lads looked at each other with sweat or tears streaming down their faces, it came down to PENALTIES! Yes, in true England fashion, we got beaten again. Ah well, there’s always next year! Thanks and well done to Les the coach, Jimmy (c), Shaun, Mick, Alan, James, Frankie, John, Mark, Brian, Malcolm, Keith, Jack, Dave, Vic, Nick, Ben, Mike, Lee, Karl and Mani. With the matches over, there was even more fun to be had. Thankfully, the bar was open in the muchappreciated shade and drinks were flowing (also appreciated), the huge and very tasty paella was being eaten almost rhythmically to the fantastic Spanish singer and his crew — and it wasn’t long before the dancing started. With stalls such as the Human Fruit Machine professionally manned by Ron, Brian, Steve and Angela in their traditional Morris dancing outfits it was all going well and they alone raised over 35€. Thank you. Thanks must also go to Shaun and his family, with linguistic help from daughter Milly, who begged and haggled for donations from the good shops and bars of Mollina and local areas for their tombola stall. Tickets completely sold out, and they raised over 130€. Our very genuine thanks go to everyone who got involved on the day and to all who came along and supported us — British and Spanish. To those who couldn’t make it but bought tickets, and for the individual donations already received, many thanks indeed. We will update you with the final amount raised for AMIDIS in next month’s issue. Same time next year lads? And ladies!
Another good game of football was played to the delight of the eager spectators as both sides were evenly matched in the first half. In the second half, with some young subs, the England team got the upper hand and with five minutes to spare, we were 4-3 up. The euphoria didn’t last long, though, as the Spanish got a penalty which saw the hard-fought match finish at 4-4.
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Men’s Matters
The fragrant fondue that
is my feet
‘Oh my God, will you put those trainers outside?’ The number of times my missus has shouted this at me — even from another room, which means I have to acknowledge that the stench from the sport (not often) shoes must be particularly ripe! Anyone can get smelly feet but we men are the worst culprits. Ever since I was a teen my feet have honked. Mine are worse in the heat, but bromodosis — or stinky feet — are a common year-round problem. It can be embarrassing, and not too nice for me — let alone people around me. There are more sweat glands in our feet than anywhere else in the body so it figures that they are going to stink more than other places. My problem is I get a fungal infection — athlete’s foot (tinea pedis). Believe me, I am no athlete; having this condition is as near to sport as I get. The first sign is the onset of the itchy red rash developing between my toes — this can often go dry and flaky… almost scaly.
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I can normally get away with applying antifungal medication, which I get from the chemist. I have had it flare up really badly a few times, and had to go to the docs. They give me a stronger medication, normally tablets. Then it clears up within a few days, or a couple of weeks at the most. Now for the gory science bit. Harmless bacteria and fungi live naturally on your skin but if these organisms multiply, your skin can become infected. A group of fungi called dermatophytes is responsible for the condition and it is these blighters which munch off other organisms to survive. Feet provide a warm, dark and humid environment – so they can munch and grow to their hearts’ content. The bacteria on the skin break down sweat as it comes from the pores – this is when the cheesy odour is released as the sweat decomposes.
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Men’s Matters Athlete's foot spreads easily. It can be passed from person to person through contaminated towels, clothing or surfaces. It loves showers and pools! If it is not treated effectively, it can sometimes spread to other parts such as your toenails or the palms of your hands. I’ve never had these but if it spreads, you really need to see the doctor. The fungi usually only grow on the surface of your skin, but if your skin is cracked, it can enter your body and spread to exposed tissue – not nice! It is not known why some people develop athlete’s foot more than others but there are ways you can try and avoid the condition and keep the stink away: Top tips for preventing the pong Wash your feet with an anti-bacterial soap; don’t use this kind of soap on your feet if you have broken skin, such as eczema.
Wear clean cotton socks. Change your socks and shoes regularly to help keep your feet dry, particularly after exercising. Put medicated insoles, which have a deodorising effect, in your shoes. Never wear the same pair of shoes two days in a row. Feet become smelly if sweat soaks into shoes and they don't dry before you wear them again. Wear leather or canvas shoes as they let your feet breathe, unlike plastic ones Wear open-toe sandals or go barefoot as much as you can
After washing, dab between your toes with cotton wool dipped in surgical spirit – it helps dry out the skin between the toes really well – in addition to drying them with a towel. Use anti-perspirant on your feet – a normal underarm deodorant or anti-perspirant works just as well as a specialist foot product and will cost you less.
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Just for Fun
20 useless things you just don’t need to know about... 1. A paper cannot be folded more than nine times. 2. The full name of the Barbie doll is Barbara Millicent Roberts 3. Of the number of people posting marriage ads, 35 per cent are already married 4. Heating up a rock in a microwave oven will cause the rock to explode 5. 1,111,111 x 1,111,111 = 1234567654321 6. The only word that has 15 letters not re-used in it is “uncopyrightable” 7. The Hawaiian alphabet only has 12 letters 8. ‘Sixth Sick Sheik's Sixth Sheep's Sick’ is one of the hardest sentences to pronounce in the English language 9. The country with the highest proportion of people walking to work is Alaska 10. If Barbie was a human, her measurements would be 39-23-33 11. On average, the number of people in the air every hour in America is 61,000
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12. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. Maybe that’s why he invented the light bulb! 13. Because of Einstein’s inability to speak at the age of nine, his mother once thought he was retarded 14. Only 55 per cent of Americans know that the sun is a star 15. According to a British law passed in 1845, suicide is a very serious crime. A sentence of death by hanging is the punishment 16. Da Vinci spent 12 years painting Mona Lisa’s lips 17. When glass shatters, the average speed for the shards is 3000 miles per hour 18. A rose picked during afternoon can survive longer than a rose picked in the morning 19. 50 per cent of the world’s population has not received any phone calls at all 20. A lighter was invented earlier than a matchstick
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We are asking for people out there who took out a mortgage in 2004 with Cajasur in Antequera to get in contact with us. We believe we have a case relating to the amount you could be paying on your mortgage. This may be too much because of a fixed rate policy, meaning that the percentage rate would not go lower than 4.59 per cent. We would be interested in forming a group to consolidate on this issue. Your personal details will be treated as strictly confidential, please email your contact details only to info@theandalucian.com to be forwarded on to our private advertiser who wishes to remain anonymous.
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