April Fools' 3/28 Arbiter Online

RARY

March 28, 2017

The Arbiter’s S T UApril D E N T Fools V O I C E Day O F B Ospecial I S E S T A Tissue E S I N C E

IN D EPE ND E NT

Vol. 29 Issue 28

1 9 3 3

All written content in this issue has been fabricated in celebration of April Fools Day 2017

Putting the art in bipartisan

The Arbiter

@arbiteronline

@arbiteronline

arbiteronline.com

All of the quotes and surrounding information in these articles have been fabricated in celebration of April Fools Day. Take part by not being fooled by them. radio

PATTY BOWEN / THE ARBITER

Boise State opens new Conservative Arts Building p.10

WE’RE HIRING! EDITORIAL POSITIONS News Editor

News Reporter

Edit and create written content Work with staff writers to cover campus, national and international news Get leadership and editorial experience

Work with sources cover campus, national and international news Gain experience working in a professional newsroom

Culture Editor

Work with sources to cover cultural events happening on and off campus Gain experience working in a professional newsroom

Culture Reporter

Edit and create written content Work with staff writers to cover the cultural climate of campus Get leadership and editorial experience

Sports & Rec Editor

Edit and create written content Work with staff writers to cover athletics and intramural sports Get leadership and editorial experience

Opinion Editor

Sports & Rec Reporter

Work with sources to cover athletics and intramural sports Gain experience working in a professional newsroom

Investigative/ Enterprise Reporter

Investigate administration and students to uncover new information Gain experience working in a professional newsroom

Edit and create written content Create connections with on-campus organizations to start conversations in the Opinion Section on a variety of timely issues

Copy Editor

Edit Arbiter content for flow and AP style Work with writers to make ensure clarity in writing

DESIGN POSITIONS Digital Content Manager

Gain Leadership Experience, Produce photographs & videos, Hire, Train, and Direct a team of producers and volunteers The Digital Content Manager is responsible for facilitating and supervising photo and video projects in a professional manor in order to promote campus organizations, campus departments, and clients.

ALL POSITIONS CAN BE FOUND ONLINE AT BRONCOJOBS VIA HANDSHAKE ALTHOUGH THIS IS AN ISSUE OF FAKE NEWS, THESE POSITIONS ARE REAL.

Digital Content Producer Produce professional content, Collaborate with peers to reach a common goal, Attend and cover a wide variety of events, Create integrative motion graphics , Draft scripts and shotlists, Gain valuable and relevant editing skills "The Digital Content Producer position will provide you with valuable experience creating video and photo content, time management, and project management."

Graphic Designer Create professional quality graphics, product content within a tight deadline , utilize knowledge of Adobe CC programs, work closely with Design Manager and the entirety of Student Media to assemble a cohesive brand for our services.

INSIDE: 3/28/17

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Patty Bowen

editor@stumedia.boisestate.edu

OPINION EDITOR Sierra Williams

sierrawilliams659@u.boisestate. edu

INVESTIGATIVE/ENTERPRISE REPORTER Jacob Palmer

jacobpalmer@u.boisestate.edu

NEWS EDITOR

Samantha Harting

news@stumedia.boisestate.edu

NEWS REPORTER Taylor Munson

taylormunson@u.boisestate.edu

CULTURE EDITOR

Brandon Rasmussen

culture@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Gladitorial combat postponed again : pg.17

CULTURE REPORTER Michael Paquin

michaelpaquin@u.boisestate. edu

SPORTS EDITOR Evan Werner

sports@stumedia.boisestate.edu

SPORTS REPORTER Rylan Kobre

rylankobre@u.boisestate.edu

DIGITAL CONTENT MANAGER Jared Lewis

digitalcontent@stumedia.boisestate.edu

COPY EDITORS

Darby Ebeling Maxwell Peterson

PATTY BOWEN / THE ARBITER

BRANDON RASMUSSEN / THE ARBITER

DESIGN MANAGER

Student has nothing to say, gives speech : pg. 7

Contact Us:

The meaning of art still eludes us : pg. 13

A r b i t e r o n l i n e . c o m 1 9 1 0 U n i v e r s i t y D r. B o i s e , I D 8 3 7 2 5 P h o n e : 2 0 8 . 4 2 6 . 6 3 0 0

Ted Atwell

GRAPHIC DESIGNER Nancy Flecha

Distributed Tuesdays during the academic school year. The Arbiter is the official independent student newspaper of Boise State University and a designated public forum, where student editors make all content decisions and bear responsibility for those decisions. The Arbiter’s budget consists of fees paid by the student body and advertising sales.

The first copy is free. Additional copies can be purchased for $1 a piece at The Arbiter offices.

All of the quotes and surrounding information in these articles have been fabricated in celebration of April Fools Day. Take part by not being fooled by them.

Pg 3

NEWS March Madness: People for Division organized a march marching against marches in March Taylor Munson News Reporter News@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Middle schooler Mimi Tidwill marching through the streets of Downtown Boise standing up for her fellow non-marchers. Photo by Chloe Pampush / The Arbiter

Citizens marched down the streets of Downtown Boise over Spring Break in an effort to stand in solidarity against all of the marches that have been occurring these past few months.

The march was organized

by People for Division, a local advocacy group which spends all of its free time complaining about the protests. It took place on March 23 at 5 a.m. This march was their first organized effort of retaliation against the multitude of protests throughout the country since President Donald Trump’s victory.

They plan to hold many more marches in the future.

“It is time to come together in a united front to fight the

discrimination against nonmarchers,” said People for Division member and organizer, Bobby Bluehill.

Bluehill is currently attending The Middle School as a sixth grader. Throughout his long life, he has come to realize the ineffectiveness of marching.

“That is why I chose to march today. We must fight these menacing marches,” Bluehill said.

Another marcher, Mimi Tidwell, shared her reasons for participating in the march. One of these reasons she gave was the lack of tangible steps these marches have toward making change. Tidwell is also an organizer and sixth grader at The Middle School.

“I march for the non-marchers. Us non-marchers don’t believe in marching. Aimlessly walking around the streets,

shouting out random rhymes, and holding up signs with catchy phrases isn’t the way to stand up for what you believe in,” Tidwell said.

Tidwell then began partaking in a “What do we want?

Absolutely nothing!” chant that overtook the entire crowd of marchers.

When asked about other marches she has attended, Tidwell said she has been at every protest she possibly can.

She said for her, it’s important to exercise the freedom of organized retaliation.

“What is this accomplishing? Probably nothing but hey, I have the freedom to do this so I will continue to march,” Tidwell said.

Other participants in the March Against Marches had a different perspective than Tidwell, such as eighth grader Xander Smith.

“I have a lot more experience than these (sixth graders). I’ve actually done my research on the topic of marching, which means my marching will be much more effective than anyone else’s,” Smith said.

Smith also spoke about the research he has done and how it caused him to reach the conclusion that all non-marchers are oppressed and need to stand up for their civil rights.

There were no opposing protesters that attended this march.

People for Division have posted a marching schedule on their Facebook page, with a different march scheduled each weekend. For more information about People for Division, visit their website www.marchforthenonmarchers.com.

Brandon Rasmussen Culture Editor Culture@stumedia.boisestate.edu After months of coyly teasing the press about an “exciting new option for students,” Boise State spokesperson Kevin Braxter unveiled an exciting new option for students on Monday, March 27.

To the surprise of many students, this option was announced to be a ‘bachelorette’s degree,’ an alternative to the bachelor’s degree for female students.

According to Braxter, this new policy shows Boise State cares about its less male constituents.

“For too long, women have suffered the indignity of having to take on the

Pg 4

title of ‘bachelor’ to get anywhere in the world,” Braxter said. “Boise State is going to change that, and show our commitment to our female students by being the first in the country to include this option.”

While Braxter assured the crowd during the press conference the new policy “is what everyone wants,” he expressed surprise when the announcement was returned with blank stares and confused silence.

“This response from students has been honestly puzzling,” Braxter said.

“We carefully handpicked all the men on the panel that made the decision. All of them know at least one woman, so they are very in touch with their needs.”

Tracy Wellington, a gender studies professor at Boise State, offered her insight as to why the bachelorette’s degree received a less than warm reception.

“I’m a little confused about what this is trying to accomplish,” Wellington said. “If the University wants to help out women, why not start by addressing pay inequality, or sexual assault on campus? I don’t remember any women asking for a bachelorette’s degree.”

The announcement also sparked controversy concerning possible expansions of the new policy’s logic. Senior music composition major Adrian Coolidge has his own questions on the matter.

“What about non-binary

students?” Coolidge said.

“It’s kind of weird for them that they have to choose one or the other now. Will Boise State allow transgender students to choose their program according to their identity?”

Questions like these have yet to be answered by the University. However, Braxter hinted toward a new development which he said the University hopes will calm the waters.

“We’re currently in talks to also add a ‘mistress’ degree’ for those looking to get their master’s—I mean—go on to graduate school,” Braxter said. “I think that will prove to be a satisfying answer to all these questions and concerns.”

PHOTO COURTESY OF BOISE STATE UNIVERSITY FACEBOOK

Boise State unveils new “bachelorette’s degree” program for female students

All of the quotes and surrounding information in these articles have been fabricated in celebration of April Fools Day. Take part by not being fooled by them.

Local goose expert visits campus to ease fecal problems

Archeologists discover yet another clicker deposit buried underground Brandon Rasmussen Culture Editor Culture@stumedia.boisestate.edu

ELLEN FOGG / THE ARBITER

During a recent archeological dig in southwestern Idaho, a team of anthropologists from Boise State came upon a not-so-surprising discovery.

On Friday, March 24, yet another batch of 400 clickers were found, buried and abandoned for the sake of an upgrade. According to Anthropology Professor Dan Mythers, this most

As students continue to sidestep the inundation of goose feces across campus, Dr. Branta Canadensis—a local goose whisperer—recently visited Boise State to study the true needs and intentions of the campus geese population.

Canadensis has been an ornithologist—person who studies birds—for over 25 years. After receiving a plethora of student complaints about the geese on campus, Boise State President Bob Kustra called in the expert to try and decipher why the geese have chosen to flock to the area. Students and faculty hope Canadensis’ research will provide helpful recommendations to cease the excessive fecal matter the geese are deposition across campus.

“Geese are a very territorial species,” Canadensis said.

“Though they appear to be docile, they are also likely to resort to biting anyone who impedes upon their breeding grounds.”

Due to frequency of students walking across campus, the geese feel they have a sufficient amount of people to intimidate, according to Canadensis. This is an important factor in the flock’s decision to migrate to Boise, as they want to dominate a large group of people.

“Though students appear irritated by the fecal matter deposited on the sidewalks, they should actually be honored the geese have chosen to live on campus and poop on these grounds,” Canadensis said. “If students were to visit, say the University of Idaho campus, they would not find any geese there.”

After speaking with various geese, Canadensis said they are also seeking a place which is free of their rivals— the sage grouse. Though they are not typically influential in the goose sector of the

search on Myther’s smartphone, the general transference of educational hardware to mobile apps has caused a large strain on the archeological community.

“Most of our time is taken up with these damn things,” Mythers said, tossing a discarded clicker over his shoulder. “Hopefully this will all get easier once the new metal-detecting app comes out and we won’t have to lug around this heavy equipment anymore.”

food chain, Idaho Governor Butch Otter’s high praise of the sage grouse has given them the upper-hand in the Treasure Valley.

In one conversation with a campus goose, Canadensis translated the aspirations of a campus mallard.

“I really just want to attend classes like the rest of the students,” said Boise State goose resident, Sill E. Jones.

“I will keep pooping all over campus until I’m allowed to pursue my culinary arts degree!”

Focus groups with the geese will continue in order to see what can be done to appease them, so they can harmoniously live on campus. The intentions of the geese need to better understood, according to Canadensis.

“If one more student tries to feed me bread, I won’t hold back,” Jones said. “I know they killed my cousin, Tim. I’m not going to let that shit fly anymore!”

All of the quotes and surrounding information in these articles have been fabricated in celebration of April Fools Day. Take part by not being fooled by them.

BRANDON RASMUSSEN / THE ARBITER

Samantha Harting News Editor News@stumedia.boisestate.edu

recent collection of useless gadgets seem to be from just before the clickers were discontinued entirely.

“You can tell by the clunky design,” Mythers said. “Once we knew it was just more clickers, we figured ‘Screw it, bring in the tractors.’”

Mythers went on to say these excavations became a common occurrence following Boise State’s switch to the REEF Polling system in the Fall 2016 semester.

According to a Google

Pg 5

NEWS Communication Building receives $20 million donation Samantha Harting News Editor News@stumedia.boisestate.edu After many years of being a dilapidated mess, the Communication Building recently received a $20 million donation from Boise State alumna Karen Williamson.

Williamson graduated

$ $

“With the expansion of Boise State over the years, the Comm Building has become an eyesore for incoming students,” Williamson said. “It’s not a comforting feeling for students to walk down a hallway—which feels as though it is about to collapse—on their way to class.”

The donation will also allow for the building to com-

ply with all current American’s with Disabilities Act (ADA) standards. The new hallways will be built wider, four elevators will be constructed and the new entryways will remain wheelchair accessible.

“Though the building somewhat passes ADA standards now, it will be great for students to have full access to any of the resources

they need,” said Communication Professor Jennifer Goodwin.

Goodwin also shared her excitement about the new offices in the works.

“My office right now has the dimensions of a closet,” Goodwin said. “No, really.

My name plate fell off of the door the other day, and it said ‘Custodial Staff Only,’ underneath.”

The renovations are scheduled to begin at the end of the Spring 2017 semester.

“I’m just happy to be giving back to the University by using my ‘worthless’ communication degree,” Williamson said. “I’m glad everyone discouraged me from pursuing my passions, as it left me a millionaire.”

$

$ $ $ $ $ $ $$ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $

JARED LEWIS/ THE ARBITER

$

$

in 2007 with a Bachelor’s degree in communication, and said the building was outdated when she was in school. With the donation, the building will be remodeled—almost entirely. Due to its location on campus— and lack of space to expand laterally—the building will become 12 stories tall to accommodate for new office space and classrooms.

Pg 6

All of the quotes and surrounding information in these articles have been fabricated in celebration of April Fools Day. Take part by not being fooled by them.

Goodbyes from leaving staff members

Guy who has done literally nothing with life shares wisdom with campus The former video game addict left his man cave for this very special occasion Taylor Munson News Reporter

news@stumedia.boisestate.edu

PATTY BOWEN / THE ARBITER

Arnie Junior—a 36-yearold who has accomplished literally nothing with his life—stepped onto the Special Events Center stage to share his words of wisdom with a packed audience of mostly male students.

Throughout his speech, Junior touched on three primary themes. These included the importance of self-indulgence, why apathy is the best life motto and reasons not to be involved with anything ever.

Junior began by introducing the scope of his

Crimes of passion

Boise State relieves the campus of condom

Michael Paquin Culture Reporter Michaelpaquin@u.boisestate.edu

that there isn’t one.”

Junior took a long pause to let this wisdom resonate with the audience.

He looked over the crowd, appearing to be deep in thought about his next words.

After the event, students gathered in the lobby ranting and raving about the speech. One student— freshman construction management major Mike Smith—couldn’t stop talking about the speech.

“Dude’s got mad wisdom,” Smith said.

Tunnel of Oppression Caves In Event Organizers Label Tragedy as “Teachable Moment” Jacob Palmer Investigative/Enterprise Journalist jacobpalmer@u.boisestate.edu

BRANDON RASMUSSEN / THE ARBITER

On March 25, what appeared to be a discarded condom found on University drive turned out be just part of a plastic grocery bag, according to Boise State police department.

“For a while that situation could’ve gone either way, but we can all breathe a sigh of relief and sleep soundly tonight,” said Lt. Bob Snyder said as he declared the site secure to the tumultuous cheering of anxious onlookers.

Just to be safe, the bag fragment in question was collected and discarded in the Ada County Incinerator where it can never hurt anyone again.

speech and the motivation that has led him to his unsuccessfulness.

“Ya know… I don’t know,” Junior said. “Life is like a bag of Doritos.

You’re just never satisfied, so why try?”

This quote was met with a huge applause, as well as some hooting, cheering and hollering. Some guy from the audience then shouted “Please marry me!”

Junior then carried on with his speech.

“Sitting on a couch while eating chips long enough allows you to reach certain conclusions about the meaning of life,” Junior said. “My conclusion is

Rescue crews were called in to the Student Union building on Sunday, March 19 after structural supports failed during the most recent Tunnel of Oppression event, trapping various organizers and students underground. During a skit about the secret homophobic tendencies of geese, the students reported hearing the floor creaking beneath them. Alissa Haberdasher, a freshman student debt management major was caught in the collapse.

“The feeling of virtue signaling and was heavy throughout the whole room,” Haberdasher said. “The weight of all the organizers self-righteousness was just too much for the building to handle. We all collapsed along with the building in a few seconds.”

Rescuers reported no injuries to attendees beyond a few bruised egos when they reached students. Organizers of the event were not visibly shaken when rescued and have since labeled the incident as a “teachable moment.” Organizers are already planning for the next Tunnel of Oppression, whose subject is now set to be about “architectural privilege.”

All of the quotes and surrounding information in these articles have been fabricated in celebration of April Fools Day. Take part by not being fooled by them.

Pg 7

OPINION

Popsicle melts, climate change is real Patty Bowen Editor-in-Chief Editor@stumedia.boisestate.edu It’s almost summer. It’s 53 days until summer.

There is warming everywhere. Not just in your oven when you botch the Buzzfeed recipes you saw on your Facebook timeline while procrastinating the paper you already asked for an extension on; not just when you stick your behind near the heater and toast your buns; not just when you “accidently” touch your friend’s hot roommate and get that tingle in your cheeks; it’s everywhere.

There is a popsicle melting in my hand right now, and it is not alone. Climate Change is all around us and this popsicle—the blue raspberry flavored one—is proof.

According to my friend who just wrote a paper on the subject for their English 101 class, Climate Change is all about polar bears and ice caps melting.

Together they form into one large meat soup in the North and South Poles; just like the juice pulp left on your hands when a popsicle melts.

The blue raspberry flavoring is particularly important to this equation.

Alphonso de Candolle pronounced the blue raspberry to be native to Africa in the 19th century. Africa is the second largest continent and, like blue raspberry, is host to 16 percent

Pg 8

of the population. Blue raspberry has a truly thriving culture.

Some people contend this—and climate change—but I have tasted the Jolly Rancher and I know it is true. In December 2016 President Donald Trump said “Nobody really knows,” about Climate Change and for a while I thought maybe he was right. I didn’t tend to believe scientific evidence over what I would read on a Laffy Taffy—the joke on the banana flavored one I read several months ago said “What’s the coldest hat you can wear to bed? An Ice-cap.” Clearly that meant that Climate Change couldn’t be real if you could wear those to bed, but now, popsicle in my hand, I know the truth.

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, the American Geophysical Union, the American Physical Society, the U.S. National Academy of Sciences, the U.S. Global Change Research Program; these are all websites. The blue raspberry, and the Earth, is melting, dripping into space.

The world is losing more and more of its water to gravity pulling it down, out of the Earth. Riddle me this: what will we do when all of the water is gone? I’m truly asking. The world is a blue raspberry popsicle, and there is coincidently a melting raspberry popsicle in my hand. I have tried to Yahoo Answer this but it has not worked, and we are out of paper towels.

I have tried to contact several scientific communities in the area—the Yanke Research Parke, Zoo Boise—but none have gotten back to me. I am truly worried for the safety of my unborn children nestled deep in my ovaries. I am truly worried for the safety of all of dogs and cats in the Idaho Humane

Society. What will we all do without water when it has melted off of the Earth?

I can’t say for sure, but I would really like it if someone brought a trash bin or a washcloth so I can get rid of this melting blue raspberry popsicle. It’s staining my pajamas.

All of the quotes and surrounding information in these articles have been fabricated in celebration of April Fools Day. Take part by not being fooled by them.

Stop this nonsense: #popsiclegate There is a recent trend consuming the sheeple on campus, and it needs to be set straight. I received word from a reliable source my roommate’s girlfriend will be running an opinion piece in The Arbitrary making the audacious claim that because a popsicle melted, global warming is real.

Please.

For those who also think that sounds ridiculous, you are welcome to keep

reading. The rest of you might as well quit now, unless you want to be totally schooled by a little thing I like to call logic.

The main problem with the popsicle argument is it doesn’t take into account where they got those popsicles in the first place— the freezer. Now tell me, how could freezers exist in a world that is constantly getting hotter? If the average temperature is going up every day, shouldn’t these cold spaces be getting less cold?

At least in my house, the exact opposite seems to be true. The other day, I had to smack a bag of fro-

zen vegetables against the countertop just to break up all the ice in it. Usually, I don’t have to do that. These brain-dead, science-denying hippies crying over melted popsicles should just put their frozen treats back in the freezer, and then see how long their global warming argument holds up.

Speaking of science, I fail to see the presence of any kind of scientific method in the popsicle diagnosis.

I wonder if when making their observations these geniuses thought to check if ice cream also melted.

Given their track record, I’d wager to say they didn’t

VENTURE COLLEGE Imagine being able to create your own income while you are still in school

even try all the popsicle flavors.

Obviously, cold things behave differently in different forms and circumstances. We know this because the cold is omnipresent in American life—yes, even in our apparently polluted, popsicle-melting, dystopian future. Our culture’s obsession with the cold is proof it’s not going anywhere.

Look at some the best movies throughout history: “Penguins of Madagascar,” “Happy Feet,” “The Pebble and the Penguin” and “March of the Penguins.” Notice something?

Heck, Disney’s smash-hit

movie “Frozen” grossed over $1 billion at the box office. And beyond movies, don’t even get me started on Christmas. Everybody loves Christmas; that’s simply a fact of life.

It comes every year, and what comes with it? Snow.

Every time.

Every time.

It’s time for people to wake up and realize our naive friend at The Arbitrary is simply doing this for the attention. It’s not everyday you get to hold a melting popsicle, snap a photo and have the entire campus read about your theories about magical warming in the paper.

My rhetorical instincts, which have been sharpened by my many years of arguing about penguins in forums and the YouTube comment section are telling me I’ve said enough to convince you. So the next time someone says global warming is real, be sure to check the facts.

Penguins make up 2.67 percent of the world’s population.

HOME THE WAY YOU LIKE IT. What is the right choice for me?

Lease Length No Co-Signer Required No Credit Check Electric/Gas Included

At Venture College our Core program helps students, from all fields start, pursue or test ideas and learn life long skills that helps students start an amazing business or get a kick butt job. Think of us as a business incubator for students.

HD Cable Included Furnished Use Financial Aid for Rent Security & BPD Coverage A Short Walk to Most Classes Five-Installment Payment Plan On-Duty Staff 24/7 Internet: Wired & WiFi In-Unit Washer & Dryer

9 mo.

12 mo.

12 mo.

12 mo.

12 mo.

$30/mo $35/mo

Visit housing.boisestate.edu to apply today!

Venture College can be taken for 3 credits too! Add COID 497: Startup Launch: From Zero to Revenue to your fall schedule- you don't want to miss out.

Learn more at: venturecollege.boisestate.edu All of the quotes and surrounding information in these articles have been fabricated in celebration of April Fools Day. Take part by not being fooled by them.

Pg 9

IMAGES COURTESY OF TENDER THOUGHTS FACEBOOK PAGE

Brandon Rasmussen Culture Editor Culture@stumedia.boisestate.edu

FEATURE

Boise State announces Conservative Arts Buildin After weeks of protest, the University agrees to open building dedicated to arts that are not categorized as liberal Patty Bowen Editor-in-Chief

Editor@stumedia.boisestate.edu

The air was chilly on Saturday, March 18 when sophomore art major Travis Bader began to speak from his podium on the top of the Albertsons Library stairs.

“I am tired of people assuming I am left wing just because I create paintings of small dogs drinking from tiny bottles of wine,” Bader said while several students streamed out from the doors behind him, unable to comprehend spacial awareness. “The arts shouldn’t just be for liberals. They should be for conservatives too.”

Bader is part of a group of students whose protests prompted the University to agree to repurpose the Administration Building into the Conservative Arts Building.

The announcement was made in a passively worded statement sent out over email to the entirety of the ambivalent student population several days too late for it to not seem entirely reactionary.

The building will be a location where students can “pursue art without feeling ostracized for their political leaning,” according to Heg Grahn, president of Boise State’s Communication Department, and person who wrote up the press statement. The building is set to open for classes in Fall 2017.

According to a poll conducted by several scrappy and very aggressive members of The Arbitrary staff, most students are indifferent to the change.

Pg 10

The poll found that 36 percent of students felt “politics are everywhere and we should all just take a nap,” 25 percent said they were “too busy watching the new Power Rangers movie to care” and 15 percent admitted to being “too hungover to answer this poll honestly”. The poll was conducted on a Monday evening.

Senior English major Pupi Mandoodle, who hopes to one day pursue a career in sock puppetry, said these students will be thankful for the change when it happens.

“I like art, but when I first got started creating it was all about my form, too,” said Mandoodle. “Soon these students are going to get to a point where they can start creating things with meaning, and they’re going to want to be able to create freely.”

Several faculty members were frustrated with the University’s decision.

“I’m not quite sure our students don’t know what a liberal arts education is,” said Terri Tori adjunct professor in the English Department.

“The word ‘liberal’ is derived from the latin word ‘liberalis’ which means ‘worthy of a free person,’ and if theres one place where students are most free, it’s our campus.”

Tori then prodeded to alter the content of her quotes to comply with university speech regulations.

Bader and several other students said liberal arts has stopped being about a well rounded education and has begun to push a political agenda.

“Isn’t it strange how the ‘Dear Ivanka’ Instagram was made by artists, and since then the entire artistic community has been trying to push out Ivanka Trump from art galleries and receptions?” Bader said. “The idea that someone can’t buy art because their father represents the Republican party is ridiculous. When did creativity become prioritized if someone lives a progressive lifestyle?”

Bader continued by adding that he felt ostracized in his classes.

“The only thing that is conservative about the Liberal Arts building is the ‘trickle down’ from the faucets to the sink,” Bader said.

According to Willus Williams, construction worker for Boise State and the only person on Facebook willing to comment at 2 a.m., the construction crew is having trouble getting started because of the schematics laid out by the University.

“There is a plan for three Ronald Reagan rooms, a talk radio studio decicated to Rush Limbaugh and several gun racks to replace the skateboard racks around the building,” Wiliams. “Those are all fine and dandy, but there are also several vague notes in the plans like ‘lots of bald eagles’ or ‘statues of John Locke and Adam Smith giving their blessing to the free market.’

We’re not really sure what to do with that.”

In the schematics that Williams emailed over on his outdated hotmail account, there were outlines for rooms filled

with “meticulously detailed paintings of apple pies and Norman Rockwell reproductions,” plus a sanctuary dedicated to “Uncle Sam ending that communist scum.”

Although members of the University administration have agreed to install the desired features for the new building, several staff members have expressed concern regarding the use of the space.

“I’m just not sure we need to have ‘Obamacare’ inscribed in the bottom of each toilet bowl,” said Secretary of Campus Communication Deborah Bebe. “I’m also concerned that students walking near the building might be distracted by the future sounds of ranting coming from the planned Limbaugh radio studio.”

The Arbitrary didn’t bother to fact check Bebe’s claim and instead decided to interview a random student in the SUB. “I mean, it doesn’t affect me all that much,” said senior button management major Sean Swanson. “My girlfriend has a pretty sick pad and her bathroom is really nice—it smells like flowers and shit—so I’m not really into using the bathrooms on campus. The halfply toilet paper doesn’t clean anything.”

Construction has somewhat started in front of the now Conservative Arts Building and will continue throughout the summer. Students who are interested in reading more about the building can do so, somewhere, somehow. Good luck.

All of the quotes and surrounding information in these articles have been fabricated in celebration of April Fools Day. Take part by not being fooled by them.

ng

All of the quotes and surrounding information in these articles have been fabricated in celebration of April Fools Day. Take part by not being fooled by them.

Pg 11

Missed last week’s issue?

Sudoku:

Each of the nine blocks has to contain all the numbers 1-9 within its squares. Each number can only appear once in a row, column or box.

Catch new content and past issues online www.arbiteronline.com

COURTESY BRAINBASHERS

F

April 15th, 2017

JULIA DAVIS PARK Officially licensed

CULTURE New SUB exhibit probably means something, but I don’t know or care what Brandon Rasmussen Culture Editor Culture@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Students who have fallen asleep in the library while studying for finals have had a stress dream. You know the one—a clown, who is also your mother, straps you into a roller coaster where everyone you’ve ever known laughs at how your new jeans don’t quite fit like they did in the store now that you’ve brought them home.

But you are also a tiny, featherless parrot, who sits in a cage in the corner of the room, watching your eighth birthday party over and over again. Why couldn’t your parents get the correct megazord action figure you

asked for? Your friend Skyler’s parents got it right. You even drew a picture and put it on the fridge for weeks. No one listens, they only ask you if Polly wants a cracker. I do not want a cracker.

Walking into the new art exhibit in the SUB is sort of like that.

The exhibit, entitled “Literally Just Some Sardines I Found in my Pocket Yesterday,” held its opening reception on Friday, March 24.

Approximately 15 students were in attendance, but they headed straight for the catering table and left without even a stray glance at the display.

“I just don’t know,” said Josephine Miller, a member of the SUB Exhibition Board as

she stood, shaking her head at the mess in front of her.

“How did we let this happen?”

Miller went on to say nothing at all, as it is been reported she left her position and hasn’t spoken to anyone since.

Not that we at The Arbitrary would blame her. Upon entering the collection, the human senses are assaulted by a barrage of puzzling and somewhat upsetting visuals. One piece in particular depicts a rubber chicken balancing atop a mug that looks like it could have been stolen from the BRC. Another is just a tennis ball with the word “Apple” written on it. Why would someone do this?

According the artist, who has not yet been identified by the Boise Police Department, it seems to have something to do with capitalism, or something.

“Our newest line of premium camping chairs will keep you comfortable and secure during your next big adventure,” the presumed artist said in what we think may have been an email correspondence with The Arbiter. “Click here to find hot singles in your area.”

Students who want to ruin the rest of their week can catch the exhibit before the entirety of the SUB’s second floor is put under quarantine by the United States Government on Wednesday, March 29.

Students find no friends at Alumni and Friends Center

No friends were to be found that day. (Photo by Patty Bowen / The Arbiter).

Brandon Rasmussen Culture Editor

BRANDON RASMUSSEN / THE ARBITER

Culture@stumedia.boisestate.edu

The lonely cries of a student in solitude echoed through the hallways of Boise State’s Alumni and Friends Center. The meticulously mopped floors perfectly reflected the building’s emptiness, as freshman psychology major Meursault Camus wandered, hoping to find anyone would listen to his tales of woe.

“It’s called the Alumni and Friends Center, after all,” Camus said. “I figured if I could find friends somewhere, this would be a good place to start.”

Camus is one of the many freshman who have found themselves friendless due to not joining a fraternity or sorority in the Fall 2016 semester. According to Linda Shannon, a part-time janitor for the Alumni and Friends Cen-

ter, these lonely students have become a common sight.

“They really oughta change the name of this place,” Shannon said. “All these losers keep tracking mud and Cheeto dust onto the floors.”

To help fix this problem, Alpha Alpha Alpha Fraternity President Drew Farkle has designed a new outreach program to get these students involved with Greek life.

“What are they going to do otherwise, join a club?”

Farkle said. “These students should be trying to actually make a difference with us.”

Farkle continued to say students who want to take him up on this offer can join Alpha Alpha Alpha in raising cancer awareness on the quad.

Camus said he’d think about it.

All of the quotes and surrounding information in these articles have been fabricated in celebration of April Fools Day. Take part by not being fooled by them.

Pg 13

CULTURE Meninists start spunky new club Maxwell Peterson Copy Editor

Cutlure@stumediia.boisestate.edu

The meninists allowed a media presence at their meeting, but asked their faces not be shown. (Photo by Patty Bowen / The Arbiter).

Amid chants of “All Lives Matter”, several Boise State undergrads have risen above the masses’ cries for representation to champion a group many don’t realize are underrepresented: men. Led by club founder Nathan Dickers, these young men are seeking to create equal representation on campus by founding a club of meninists.

“Beyoncé may think girls are running the world, but behind every powerful woman is a man supporting her at every step towards success,” said Dickers.

“Personally, I am thankful Hillary didn’t win. I wouldn’t want to live under a presidency led by a woman. Men do so many fantas-

tic things and we’ve just started to scratch the tip of the iceberg.”

The first meeting of the Boise State Meninists club will be held Thursday, March 30 at Suds Tavern for Dollar Beer Night.

The club has received criticism for being a possible hotbed for misogynist sentiment to fester.

“This club is a really, really bad idea,” said Gender Studies and Psychology professor Kimberly Nyugen.

A press release on the club’s Facebook page describes the club’s purpose as “to create a place where like-minded individuals can gather to strive for excellence in areas of self-improvement, patriotism, and chivalry.”

A list of upcoming events on the club’s Facebook page include a teambuilding workshop at

Mulligans’ “Two-4-Tuesday” on April 4 and a relaxation clinic at Fatty’s Bar on April 1, which will feature dollar tequila shots.

Some still had objections to the group’s purpose.

“I guess I don’t get why these boys don’t just join a fraternity. At least then they will be forced to volunteer,” said Nyugen.

Alpha Alpha Alpha President Drew Farkle expressed that community-minded men were always encouraged to apply.

“We will literally let anyone in our fraternity if you have a 2.5 GPA or higher and haven’t killed anybody,” said Farkle “We even have two members who have committed murder since joining, and they haven’t been expelled.

And that was back in December.”

When asked why the prospective club doesn’t hitch its wagon

to Greek efforts on campus their response was simple.

“We’re Scotch-Irish,” said Dickers. “There is a huge population on campus that has been discriminated against for too long. We have the Afro Black Student Alliance Club. We have the Gender Equity Center. We have Casita Nepantla. Who’s making sure that my history and culture is being represented?

Our organization will make sure that no one has to worry about answering those questions any more. The telephone. The race car. America. These were all invented by men.”

Anyone looking to find more information on the club’s purpose can take almost any class at Boise State.

The Arbiter quits, they’re hiring Patty Bowen Editor-in-Chief

Editor@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Arbiter Copy Editor Darby Ebeling’s chair was still warm when the rest of the Arbiter staff trickled into the Student Media offices on Monday, March 27.

On her desk was a beautifully written and thoughtfully executed letter of resignation.

“I accidently slipped in a large puddle outside of the office and decided I could do without this ‘learning environment,’” Ebeling said. “Also there are ants everywhere, and I’m pretty sure one of them bit my toe.”

After her absence became known, other members of the staff began turning in their two minute notices—the amount of time it takes to put a backpack on and slink over to the

Pg 14

door—after experiencing issues with the programs used to put together the paper—Incopy, Indesign and Photoshop—and the Wordpress server that hosts the content online.

“It hasn’t been an awful experience overall,” said Samantha Harting, Arbiter News Editor, as she walked out the door. “I just really need to make more time to relax while listening to heavy metal and make puzzles depicting dogs underwater. My Sundays are currently too stressful.”

As the emails of resignation trickled in, Student Media Coordinator Molly Valceschini seemed perplexed but slightly unphased by the change.

“I was worried when no one was in the editorial cube after lunch,” said Valceschini. “I’m not really sure how we’re still going to produce a paper, but it sure will save us a lot of money.”

Valceschini said this money will be useful in buying another mini fridge to pit against the first mini fridge in order to start a new web series called “Cold as Ice, Fearless as Fridge” in which mini fridges battle. She also said the money will be useful to getting rid of the ant infestation which was caused by “the presence of an unnecessary rotting pumpkin on the floor.”

The Arbiter reached out to the ants, and despite being everywhere and all-knowing, they failed to comment. “(The ants) keep me company on the late nights before Production Day,” I said in an email interview with myself. “I’ll miss them most of all.”

The Arbiter is currently hiring for all of its positions. Consider applying if you aren’t bothered by ants.

All of the quotes and surrounding information in these articles have been fabricated in celebration of April Fools Day. Take part by not being fooled by them.

Fraternity cancer awareness campaign creates awareness for first time

Nickelback: The millennial Zeitgeist

Darby Ebeling Copy Editor Culture@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Sophomore human resources major Brian Nioah mourns his innocence after typing “What is cancer?” into Google. (Photo by Brandon Rasmussen / The Arbiter).

Brandon Rasmussen Culture Editor

Cutlure@stumediia.boisestate.edu

It was a fun day at the Quad for all but one student, as the Alpha Alpha Alpha fraternity played loud music and interacted with people passing in the Quad. This particular student, sophomore human resources major Brian Noah, went straight from the quad to the library, where he frantically Googled the new information he had just received.

“At first I was thinking like ‘no way,’” Noah said.

“Then, I decided I needed

to know the truth.”

Noah is the presumably only student to learn about the medical disease cancer for the first time as a result of Alpha Alpha Alpha’s Cancer Awareness Campaign in the quad. Noah designated this revelation to be the most challenging moment in his life. He kept his head buried in his hands as he recounted the story.

“I thought they were just throwing a pizza party and playing frisbee, but then one of them said it was for a good cause,” Noah said.

“Next thing I know, they hand me a flier. Who knew

there was such a terrible thing that existed in the world?”

According to Health Sciences Professor Jane Cander, quite a few people knew there was such a terrible thing that existed in the world.

“Who doesn’t know about cancer?” Cander said. “Like, seriously, has this guy lived under a rock his whole life or what?”

A study conducted by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention cited malignant neoplasms—cancer—as the second most common cause of death among Americans in 2014.

Yet, Noah firmly maintained he had never even heard of it until a fraternity mentioned it to him in the Quad.

“You know, this awareness stuff really works,” Noah said. “I feel so aware right now.”

When told about the effect their event had on Noah, Alpha Alpha Alpha President Drew Farkle expressed pride.

“See, that’s the whole reason we’re out here,” Farkle said, in between bites of pizza and tossing a frisbee back to his friends.

“We’re doing this for cancer.”

In honor of their recent release “Poorly Photoshopped Image of a Lonely Road,” it seemed right to set the record straight and explain definitively that Canadian-based Nickelback is the Zeitgeist of our beloved generation. I sat down with SeaGroove Deep, a Nickelback superfan whose parents couldn’t help but name her after two obscure 90s tracks from this beloved band—before you ask, yes, they changed their own last names, too.

“Oh my God, where to start? I was born to the beautifully appropriate lyrics ‘I don’t want to stay/I don’t want to leave’ from my namesake song, which, you know, is super clutch given the whole womb thing, right? So I’ve pretty much been in love with Nickelback for forever. I’ve been told I was conceived to Deep. Deep, huh?

“But yeah anyway there are just so many reasons they should be considered the songbirds of a generation. For one, they are super creative and driven and they own their own label. It’s called Nickelback II. And if you notice their album art, they, like, invented Photoshop. The automatic pop filter on phone cameras was actually modelled off their stuff. I mean, I just couldn’t be more impressed.

“And then their music! It’s so intellectual. If you listen close to ‘If Today Was Your Last Day,’ you’ll notice there’s a Robert Frost quote in there! Chad (Kroeger) sings ‘And try to take the path less traveled by,’ and it’s like ‘Oh my God, sixth grade lit actually did come in handy!’ and Chad is just so smart.

“The best part, I think, is that they’re down to earth. They just know where they’re at and make fun of it a lot, like that song Rockstar? It’s just ironic and stuff. There’s this part that goes ‘Sign a couple autographs/So I can eat my meals for free/ (I’ll have the quesadilla, ha, ha).’ I mean you can’t get more real than that. They totally know what’s up. They speak for all of us, I think,” Deep said.

All of the quotes and surrounding information in these articles have been fabricated in celebration of April Fools Day. Take part by not being fooled by them.

Pg 15

SPORTS & REc Boise State’s newest recruit soon to be born Evan Werner Sports & Rec Editor

Sports@stumedia.boisestate.edu WIKIPDEIA COMMONS / COURTESY

Boise State’s future football success is in the feeble hands of Dwight Thomas Jr. an unborn baby and more importantly the Broncos future quarterback.

Thomas was conceived on Oct. 15, 2016 at a Boise State tailgate, so it is clear that blue runs through his veins.

The Broncos went on to win the game saying they did if for Thomas; he was in their hearts before he was even born.

Although his measurables are still to be determined, Boise State scouts have con-

cluded that Thomas is one of the best prospects they have seen in decades. Scout Bob “Buster” Bronco was ecstatic when discussing what Thomas could do for the future of Bronco Nation.

“From what I have seen he could be the best to ever play,” said Bronco. “Not only does his projected birth weight compare to similar quarterbacks’ birth weights such as Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady, but he is also projected to break water at an alarming 1.1 seconds.”

Not only will Boise State be offering Thomas a full scholarship, they will also be proving him with a baby proofed room on campus with his

own private nursery.

Boise State had to go all out to get Thomas to commit to their team as it was a close race between the Broncos and Alabama. Thomas’ mother, Jackie Thomas, made the final decision.

“I wanted my future son to play for a team that wanted to build a life around him,” said Thomas. “At the end of the day Alabama didn’t want to invest in my son’s present, only on his future; while Boise State offered to train him from birth.”

Thomas looks to be a standout in the 2035 high school recruiting class that currently has a total of four recruits all signed to different schools.

Michael Paquin Culture Reporter

Michaelpaquin@u.boisestate.edu

Confusion ensued last Thursday when the Denver Broncos arrived for practice at Albertsons Stadium, apparently mislead by the similar name, mascot and colors of the Boise State Broncos.

After nearly an hour of running drills and discussing what Wide Receiver Marlon Brown described as “definitely a blue field— are you seeing this?” campus security arrived on site to remove the $2.4 billion football team from the premises.

“I knew something was amiss when I saw the motorcade, so we entered the stadium and confronted

Pg 16

the team,” said Mark Reynolds, a security officer with Boise State. “We did manage to get a couple of autographs before we led them out.”

In response to the incident, Boise State President Bob Kustra said, “We typically like to reserve the field for players that belong to our teams.”

Even after their removal, some players and staff remained in what appeared to be a permanent state of confusion.

“I love our new logo. I think it’s more dynamic, you know?” said Quarterback Trevor Siemian as he was escorted back to the row of busses in the stadium parking lot.

The team’s administration, on the other hand, grasped the nature of

their mistake a little more quickly.

“Needless to say, this is a little embarrassing,” said Denver Broncos coach Vance Joseph. “We pride ourselves on our attention to detail.”

Although the NFL team regrets making the mix-up, they declined to confirm it won’t happen again, as general manager and Denver Broncos alumnus John Elway said.

“Occasionally we get confused. We’re only human. But we’re looking forward to playing a great season when we get back to, you know, wherever,” Elway said.

Intrigued by the new look of their field, the Denver Broncos practiced unnoticed for nearly an hour before they were escorted from Albertsons Stadium.

All of the quotes and surrounding information in these articles have been fabricated in celebration of April Fools Day. Take part by not being fooled by them.

WIKIPDEIA COMMONS / COURTESY

Confusing colors, name and mascot, Denver Broncos arrive at Albertsons Stadium

University postpones gladiatorial combat for the third time Wyoming to move to Ivy far reaches of the known However, despite the ob- my chances on the only League after Student SecMichael Paquin world and acquiring 15 stacles, he’s not worried, testing ground of manhood Culture Reporter tion’s incredible research Miichaelpaquin@u.boisestate.edu tons of sand, as well as alluding to the massive that matters,” Spencer said, nets, swords, spears and interest the campus has mid-programming. efforts shown in its newest addiGiven the enthusiasm, Citing a series of finan- chariots. and became the 43rd state to Rylan Kobre Sports & Rec Reporter

Sports@stumedia.boisestate.edu

The University of Wyoming has decided to move to the Ivy League after discovering that the city of Boise, is in fact, not a state.

The results came on Jan. 28 when Boise State played a Mountain West Conference basketball game in Laramie and the Wyoming student section, “The Wyoming Wild Bunch” decided they would release the research results with t-shirts.

The shirts read on the front, “Boise is NOT a State.” On the back, they showed the state of Idaho with an arrow pointing to the state, and then another arrow to the City of Boise with the words, “Not a state.”

The state of Idaho officially became a state on July, 3 1890

join the union. But the city of Boise was actually founded on July 4, 1863 while the Battle of Gettysburg went on.

154 years later, a university has finally uncovered the mystery that many have been trying to figure out: Boise is a city in Idaho and not a separate state.

Questions still remain across the country whether or not San Diego—Home of San Diego State—is a part of California or a separate state.

If it is the latter, the United States would have 51 states instead of the previously thought of 50.

The University of Wyoming is still looking into these results but has yet to come to a conclusion. If found true, Wyoming will pass Princeton’s #1 ranking according to US News 100 best colleges.

cial and logistical setbacks, the Boise State Athletics department announced that the opening of the gladiatorial combat program will be postponed yet another semester.

“This is really unfortunate, but we can’t turn back now. We just have too much capital invested in the idea. In retrospect, it’s possible we were a little premature in greenlighting this this exhibition of blood and sport,” said Athletics Director Lance Richards.

Over the past year, Boise State has had issues fulfilling the material requirements of the program, including the securing of exotic beasts from the

“These nature preservationists are making fulfilling our animal requirements particularly difficult,” Richards said.

“During brainstorming sessions, we came to the conclusion that we need at least one bull Northern White Rhinoceros. Apparently, there are only three left, so we knew we had to act quickly if we wanted to snag one,” Richards said.

“The Kenyan government wasn’t having it, so we tried to explain that the animal would be provided with plate-armor and adorned with decorative golden chains, but there’s no reasoning with them.

And don’t get me started on PETA.”

tion to its sports program.

Elliot Spencer, a junior computer science major, is already sharpening his gladius.

“Like Achilles, my heart aches for everlasting glory—the kind that can only be gained in a brutal fight to the death,” Spencer said, before resuming writing a Java program.

Spencer isn’t alone.

Chris Simon, a senior computer science major, is already developing his combat prowess. “Last night, I marathon-watched “Gladiator” and “Spartacus.” They helped a lot. I also watched “Ben-Hur,” but that was mostly just about chariots and Jesus.

Overall, I feel good about

Lance Richards said the college is willing to make compromises if it expedites the process and gets the program moving.

“It doesn’t even need to be a White Rhino, I guess.

That just would’ve been nice,” Richards said. What about a big dog—you know like a, what are they called? Napoleon Mastiff ?

Neapolitan Mastiff ? Does that sound right to you?”

Richards concluded by saying the program is definitely on track to start next semester, however, he can’t say the same for the Russian roulette program.

“We still have a lot of kinks to work out,” Richards said.

Buster Bronco shouts to the ragining crowd: Mori honeste vivere vultis? In an effort to continue the fight for gladiatorial combat. (Photo by Taylor Lippman / The Arbiter)

All of the quotes and surrounding information in these articles have been fabricated in celebration of April Fools Day. Take part by not being fooled by them.

Pg 17

SPORTS & REc Broncos lose to Vandals 8-11, russian hacking suspected Investigation underway into russian interference with football game Sports@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Cries of surprise and anguish echoed throughout Albertsons Stadium on Friday, Feb. 31 during a hotly contested football game when it became apparent that the Idaho State Vandals had pulled out an unexpected win against the Boise State Broncos football team.

The final score of the game was 8-11 and flew in direct contradiction to official game predictions that had placed the Broncos with a 97 percent chance of winning the game.

Many fans were left reeling from the unexpected loss to the rival team. Social media was soon flooded with posts raging against all Vandals fans. Mass unfriendings soon followed.

While some have come to terms with the unexpected loss, one student has taken action.

Ross Schnidelstan, a ninth-year lunch major, says he believes the reason for the Broncos loss is much more nefarious than a poorly played game.

Schnidelstan believes a foreign influence has penetrated the sacred grounds of the blue turf.

“The Bronco’s really should have won, and the fact that they didn’t has cast a lot of suspicion over the integrity of the game,” Schnidelstan said. “I have

Pg 18

reason to believe interference from Russia is the culprit behind this disgusting and unprecedented loss.”

When asked about proof regarding direct involvement with Russia and the football game, Schnidelstan became visually agitated and defensive.

“Any educated person would naturally come to the conclusion that Russia hacked the game. I bet Putin has a whole organization of spies crawling around Boise ready to interfere with much more than a football game,” Schidelstan said. “The fact that Idaho State is located in a city called Moscow is all the proof you need.”

Other students, such as sophomore feeling theory major Rebecca Mishuninberg have taken issue with not only the completely proven and unquestionable Russian interference of the football game, but also the way the football game was scored in general.

“It is completely unfair and unsportspersonlike to award an arbitrary six points to every touchdown regardless of the work put

into that touchdown. Boise State actually ran more yards in the game than Idaho State did, but because of this antiquated point system, Idaho State was awarded the victory instead,” Mishuninberg said.

Mishuninberg has vowed to fight this unjust scoring system by starting a social media campaign entitled, “Hashbrown: One Yard, One Point.” By signing online petitions and posting incessantly to sites like Facebook, Mishuninberg hope to make a real difference in the world.

“The gameplay would have made the Broncos win,” Mishuninberg said.

“But the system made the Vandals win.”

Already the protests against the result of the game have gained steam on campus grounds. 52 protests have taken place outside Alberstons Stadium over the past ten days. Chants of “Not My Touchdown” have echoed inside the stadium itself, and calls to say really mean things about the Vandals have increased. One protester, community member Niel Noitide,

took issue with not only the Vandals team itself, but also its fans in general.

“As far as I see it, you can put most of the fans of the Vandals into a basket of disposables. They are a bunch of backwater hicks who wouldn’t know proper knowledge and enlightenment if it hit them in the face,” Noitide said.

As an objective news organization, the Arbitrary remains committed to the ideals of truth and and integrity when cover-

ing future sports events.

The paper will continue to fairly cover future games between the oppressed Broncos, and the game stealing, good for nothing, Russian planted and all around small-handed Vandals. Our staff made up of all Bronco fans has recently appointed a lifetime Bronco fan to be our investigator into faulty sports reporting in other publications, mainly the Idaho State Argonaut. We have also launched an online

campaign to shame anyone who doesn’t read us like the uninformed backwater sheep they are.

Though all of these programs, we hope to bring integrity back into sports coverage, and remind our loyal reader base that any sports reporting that doesn’t say the Broncos won shall be henceforth known as, “fake sports.”

00101111<09100 00101111<09100001>21 00101111<09100001>2101110 00101111<09100001>21011100010 00101111<09100001>210 00101111<09100001>210 00101111<09100001>21011100 00101111<09100001>21011100010 00101111<09100001>2101110001 00101111<09100001>210111000100111100 00101111<09100001>2101110001001111001010 00101111<09100001>2101110001001111001010 00101111<09100001>2101110001001111001010

All of the quotes and surrounding information in these articles have been fabricated in celebration of April Fools Day. Take part by not being fooled by them.

NANCY FLECHA / THE ARBITER

Jacob Palmer Investigative/Enterprise Journalist

WEEKLY NEWS in a minute

Watch it online at www.arbiteronline.com or on

RACING APPAREL

FOR THE FEEL & STYLE OF THE SPORT Shown from left: Seca Head Tech tee, $32.00.

Flight Seca 20 board short, $59.00.

Clouded Flex cap, $30.00.

Eyecon Photo tee, $22.00.

Motion board short, $49.00.

Flex 45 cap, $26.50.

Shop these other great motocross brands too:

Brand selection varies by store. Call 1-800-345-5273 for a store near you.