The Arbiter 4.3.18 Vol. 30 Issue 27

RA R Y RA R Y RA R Y

April 03, 2018

Vol. 30 Issue 27

April Fools Day Special Issue A l l w r i t t e n c o n t e n t i n t h i s i s s u e h a s b e e n f a b r i c a t e d i n c e l e b r a t i o n o f A p r i l Fo o l s D a y 2 0 1 8

NEWS

04

Yet another gradution change

CULTURE

15

Life without Buzzfeed quizzes

SPORTS & REC

16

NRA Arena on Boise State campus

EVENT

MY HOUSE

sometime this week

I MADE CUPCAKES

door ’ s open No events this week—just come over to my house! I made way too many cupcakes and I need someone to eat them. You don’t even need to eat any. Just stop by! I’m lonely.

WHAT YOU MISSED ONLINE PHOTO OF THE WEEK SPORTS Starting in Fall of 2018, students can participate in a brand new intramural sport: speed walking. This extremely competitive sport will allow only those 69 years-old and above to particpate.

NEWS The Greenhouse at Boise State will officially start growing marijuana to study its outcomes on college students. The experiment will hopefully confirm that marijuana can indeed increase students’ test scores.

CULTURE The top five listicles about the top five listicles about the top five listicles about the top five listicles that you should really be reading as a white milliennial girl who has nothing better to do at 2 a.m.

As you can obviously see, this picture is no longer available because the owner has deleted it, which is super annoying because we totally got permission to use it. Photo by the Internet.

RA R Y RA R Y RA R Y RA R Y

Editor-In-Chief Brandon Rasmussen editor@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Online Editor Taylor Munson onlineeditor@stumedia.boisestate.edu Opinion Editor Jacob Palmer opinion@stumedia.boisestate.edu News Editor Jordan Erb news@stumedia.boisestate.edu News Reporter Ximena Bustillo news@stumedia.boisestate.edu Culture Editor Shannon Brennan culture@stumedia.boisestate.edu Culture Reporter Logan Potter culture@stumedia.boisestate.edu Sports Editor Daniel Gardner sports@stumedia.boisestate.edu Sports Reporter Peter Huguenin sports@stumedia.boisestate.edu Digital Content Manager Axel Quartarone digitalcontent@stumedia.boisestate.edu Copy Editors Evan Fishburn Sophia Uhlenhoff Design Manager Selina Ceballos

ON THE COVER

Pg 10-11 Boise State has finally announced its selection of Old Whiteguy as the new president. The entire campus rejoiced over the anouncement and students and faculty alike look forward to this new era of leadership.

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Graphic Designers Nabil Rahman Olivia Tocher Sierra Nobley Contact us 1910 University Dr., Mail Stop 1340 Phone: (208) 426-6300 Website: www.arbiteronline.com Distributed Tuesdays during the academic school year.

The Arbiter is the official independent student newspaper of Boise State University, where student editors make all content decisions and bear responsibility for those decisions. The Arbiter’s budget consists of fees paid by the student body and advertising sales. The first copy is free. Additional copies can be purchased for $1 a piece at The Arbiter offices.

NEWS

COMMENCEMENT CEREMONY MOVED AGAIN; TICKET CAP REINSTATED

Graduation will now be held in Boise State’s new president’s backyard Jordan Erb | News Editor | news@stumedia.boisestate.edu

STUDENT ENTERS QUAD AS ONLY A BYSTANDER, LEAVES AS FRAT LORD Ximena Bustillo | News Reporter | news@ stumedia.boisestate.edu

There will be 57 different graduation ceremonies to accommodate for every major at Boise State University.

After weeks of deliberation, Boise State officials have decided to move the spring 2018 commencement–again. Now, the ceremony will be held in the backyard of the new president, Old WhiteGuy. The officials cited the yard’s “ambiance, tone and general feel” as being the major reasons for the switch.

The backyard has room for 65 people, which will offer a cozy environment for graduating Broncos and their families.

To Old WhiteGuy and his administrative assistants, the size seems perfect for a rainy and gray May ceremony.

Because of the small venue, 57 different ceremonies will be held–one for each major program at the university. The ceremonies will occur over an 11-day period, with five ceremonies being held each day and seven on the last day. It will begin on May 5.

“We just figured, why only have one ceremony? Let’s just keep this party going all

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“Yeah, it’s definitely a bummer for, like, nursing majors. But for us IDS majors, it’s pretty sweet.

I can invite 65 of my closest friends.”

Joel Apple, senior interdisciplinary studies major week,” WhiteGuy said. He went on to say that his backyard has the kind of ambiance that is needed for a successful graduation.

For more popular majors, students will receive a ticket cap of one. For underrepresented majors, such as interdisciplinary studies (IDS), students are allowed up to 65 guests to fill his backyard.

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“Yeah, it’s definitely a bummer for, like, nursing majors,” said senior interdisciplinary studies major Joel Apple. “But for us IDS majors, it’s pretty sweet. I can invite 65 of my closest friends.”

Some students from more popular majors did not express the same enthusiasm.

Susan Blanchett, a senior nursing major, said the one-ticket limit placed a ton of stress on her and her family.

“I had to host a Hunger Games-like tournament to see who would win the one ticket,” Blanchett said. “It was absolutely disturbing to watch my family argue and fight over who got to come to my graduation. Luckily for me, my mom won, and I like her the best.”

On the bright side, Old WhiteGuy said that Aramark will be catering the event, and will serve the amuse-bouche version of Boise River Cafe crowd favorites, such as the room-temperature vegetables and wilted lettuce.

Senior psychology major Bobby Catrell became the new president of the Gamma Rho Epsilon Epsilon Kappa Fraternity (GREEK) following his commute through the quad on his way to class.

“Usually I am making my way through campus, walking fast, faces pass and I’m home bound,” Catrell said. “But today I met so many people that changed my perspective on life. I never truly knew the value of civic engagement until I saw this dude get pied in the face. I can now recite the founding principles of GREEK. I am set for life!”

Catrell described his experience walking to class as “enlightening,” as he finally found his true vocation. He is already signed up for more fraternity activities including the much anticipated ninth annual vacate Patagonia’s sweatshirts and Forever 21’s white dress section.

“I donated my scholarship refund to the GREEK ‘Help the People’ fundraiser.

I don’t know what it was for but I’m sure it’ll change the world,” Catrell said.

When asked about the student who was placed in critical condition after being stabbed by GREEK’s pink ribbon philanthropy pin last week, Catrell advocated that pins don’t hurt people, people hurt people.

Catrell explained that at some point in the quad his Levi’s changed into Chubbies and his Nikes into Sperrys.

“You can’t fight against the problems of the world if you’re not dressed properly, as the new president of GREEK I plan on having this being a lasting philosophy,” Catrell said. “I am unsure what the letters mean, I don’t speak Greek, but I am excited for all the connections to come.”

ALL INFORMATION IN THESE ARTICLES HAS BEEN FABRICATED IN CELEBRATION OF APRIL FOOLS DAY.

ARMED EDUCATORS, WATERED DOWN

The guns-in-schools debate gets even slipperier Evan Fishburn | Copy Editor | news@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Starting in August 2018, professors and administrators at Boise State will be required to carry squirt guns with them at all times. In spite of the recent March for Our Lives, President Trump advocated for “armed educators” in schools as a way to prevent more mass shootings. However, he did not specify which type of arms, thus the implementation of squirt guns on campus. As expected, the Boise State community is divided on the issue.

“Provided the gun culture in America, I’m not surprised it came to this. Not to mention it would create a bizarre power dynamic between the student and the teacher. And what would happen if someone lost his or her temper–including a teacher? I can’t act as both the instructor/ mentor and campus security!”

Sherry Holman, professor

“I, for one, am excited about the new program,” said George Carnaby. “It’s really going to make a difference and make us all feel a lot safer in class so we can all move on from this shallow debate already.”

“There is no place for recreational water guns on campus,” said Professor Olivia Gonzalez. “It’s just the university president cozying up to Nerf and Hasbro.”

To prepare, professors at Boise State

will partake in a series of summer training sessions, including learning how to fill a squirt gun, how to aim with precision and accuracy, how to determine possible threats and how to prevent accidental leaks. The training session will be hosted by the Department of Public Safety and, like with everything else, teachers and staff will be required to cover the costs of the program.

Still, the increase of water guns on campus poses some risk to student safety.

“It really goes back to the age-old debate,” said Roseanne Smith, a sophomore political science major. “Squirt guns don’t drench people—people drench people.”

“It’s just really hard for me to understand how these people would be getting drenched if it weren’t for the squirt guns,” said Justin Morris, a senior biology major.

“Sure, an exploding water bottle could do the same thing, but I wouldn’t consider that a threat to safety.”

When asked about safety concerns, some students were concerned that the squirt guns would appeal to children, especially those who attend class with their parents, and mistake them for toys. Another student was worried she wouldn’t be able to write in pen anymore.

Other students said the squirt guns would make them feel less safe in class.

“I definitely have at least one teacher this semester who is terrifying enough as she is. I can’t imagine her with a super soaker,” said sophomore business major Sarah Cooper.

Even some of the professors at Boise State feel unfairly burdened by the new requirement.

“Provided the gun culture in America, I’m not at all surprised it came to this,” said Professor Sherry Holman. “Not to mention it would create a bizarre power dynamic between the student and the teacher. And what would happen if someone lost his or her temper—including a teacher? I can’t act as both the instructor/ mentor and campus security!”

NEWS

STUDENTS VOTE FOR UF-100 AS THEIR FAVORITE COURSE Jacob Palmer | Opinion Editor | opinion@stumedia.boisestate.edu

UF 100 has taught many students important life skill, such as not talking with your mouth full.

Photo by Axel Quartarone.

UF-100 has been named Boise State students’ favorite class after the results of the first ever “Name Your Favorite Class” ballot were made public. A whole 12 students voted over the weekend and unanimously chose the introductory class, citing the valuable skills it teaches as the reason.

“The class has like, taught me a lot and stuff,” said Amanda Wullriver, a freshman Icelandic studies major. “I thought I’d have to take some boring English class or something for my first class, but now I just listen to some professor talk about passion and following your dreams and we take a trip to the library...it’s pretty sweet I guess.”

Other students, such as Radisson Newfefer, a sophomore taxidermy major viewed the class a vital lifeline. Newfefer said there are many skills he now uses in his other classes that were taught to him in UF-100.

“I didn’t know how to even look at a book, let alone read one before UF-100,” Newfefer said. “I would just stare at the cover and wonder why I wasn’t learning anything. Now I know that I have to open the cover to read the book. But I still don’t know what those weird markings inside the books are. I guess we’ll go over that in UF-200.”

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Reactions from professors who teach the class ranged from surprise to spontaneous speeches about teamwork and collaboration. Biology professor Jennifer Zibrillastin said teaching the class has been her greatest accomplishment.

“Teaching students biology and STEM-related topics has been nothing compared to the true skill UF-100 gives to my students,” Zibrillastin said. “If my students hadn’t learned how to pick up a pencil in that class, the rest of my classes would have been a complete uphill battle.”

In celebration, Boise State has announced they will now offer a UF-400 class for advanced students, teaching skills in breathing through your nose, eating with a fork and walking backwards. This class will be mandatory and will have to be taken a minimum of four times to qualify for a degree.

They have assured students this new class is absolutely necessary to teach people “the skills they need” in the workforce.

All of the sections for the new course are already fully enrolled in with standing room only.

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NEWS

BARBELLS AND BALL GOWNS Rec Center imposes new clothing guidelines for women Brandon Rasmussen | Editor-in-Chief | editor@stumedia.boisestate.edu

A Boise State student wanders into the Rec Center, wearing a ball gown in compliance with Boise State’s newest policy update. Photo illustration by Axel Quartarone.

The Boise State Recreation Center has implemented yet another new dress code, requiring all female visitors to dress themselves in formal attire while using the facility. The updated policy was announced in an email that was sent to students, faculty and staff early on Friday morning, March 30, and will be enforced starting Monday, April 9.

According to Boise State spokesperson Patrick Yarr, the decision for the abrupt change was made after Raymond F. Hartfordshire III, a wealthy, regular donor to the University, toured the Rec Center in early March. Hartfordshire was reportedly upset by the “uncomely sight of plain and immodestly-dressed girls,” and demanded something be done about it.

The administration then went to work, assembling a committee of men who began laying out the specifics. Under the new policy, gowns worn by women visiting the Rec Center must reach their ankles and cover their shoulders. The policy also requires high-heeled shoes at a height of at least two inches and a “reasonable amount” of face makeup.

“This is a beautiful campus, and it should be complimented by beautiful denizens,” said Paul Hill, one of the members of the committee and literally just a guy they found in the Student Union Building.

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“Besides, girls like dresses, right?”

Since its announcement, several students and faculty have come forward to express their dissatisfaction with the policy, claiming the new dress code is overtly sexist and obviously impractical. Junior business major Veronica Lin, in an attempt to showcase the policy’s weaknesses, showed up to her workout session on Saturday, March 31 dressed in her high school prom dress. After only 10 minutes of exercise on a treadmill, her gown was caught in the machine, which Rec Center officials said “totally ruined it.”

“Yeah, that’s about what I was expecting to happen,” Lin said. “I was hoping to make a point, but now the University is just making me pay for a new treadmill.”

When asked about this incident, Hill said while the policy presents its challenges, he believes the long-term gains will be worth the effort.

“This isn’t about gender—it’s about hygiene,” Hill said. “Or it could be about modesty. Or global warming. What was the question again?”

In light of the criticism, the committee behind the new policy is holding a public hearing session in the Alumni and Friends Center on Friday, April 6. Formal wear is required for all attendees.

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STUDENT FOUND AFTER GETTING LOST SEARCHING FOR PARKING SPOT Ximena Bustillo | News Reporter | news@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Sophomore engineering major Paul Paulson was found alive in the East Commuter parking lot after three weeks of being reported missing. This isn’t an uncommon occurrence. According to parking expert Tom Hicks, on average, three students get lost in Boise State parking lots each year.

“I was just trying to find a parking spot,” Paulson said. “I had to email my professor the first few days to let her know I couldn’t make it. Eventually my phone and car died.”

This comes just two days after Boise State Parking services has announced the demolition of the Brady Garage and East Commuter parking lot. The last remaining parking spot at Boise State will be reserved for the 57 graduation ceremonies taking place at President Old Whiteguy’s house.

In place of the East Commuter will be a second Alumni and Friends Center and Brady will be home to the new president’s office.

Hicks explained that the need for these buildings outweighed the need for parking.

“We still have our shuttle,” Hicks said.

“Every student will still be able to park.”

But that ability to find a spot comes with a challeng,e according to Paulson.

“I thought my last words to my friends and family were ‘I am going to go find a spot to park,’ and that was devastating,” Paulson said.

Paulson is concerned that other students like him will get lost in the parking lots and even more so after the lot removals.

This has long been a problem at Boise State University. Last semester, freshman political science major Annie Flinn wandered up and down the Lincoln Garage for a week before being found.

“It took forever for me to find a parking spot. Once I was found, I headed straight for the elevator to get out of this god-forsaken garage,” Flinn said. “But now the elevator has stopped working and I’m stuck inside. Please come get me!”

When asked about the elevator problems in addition to parking, Hicks expressed satisfaction with the current status quo.

“We still have our shuttle,” Hicks said.

Urban legends have sprung up around the fabled open parking spot at Boise State University.

Phto by Axel Quartone.

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NEWS

ARAMARK, BOISE STATE’S BELOVED FOOD SOURCE, AWARDED FIVE-STAR REVIEW The company’s culture, food quality and customer service were rated top-notch Taylor Munson | Online Editor | online@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Students consistently rave about the delicious food at the Boise River Cafe. The food is one of the main reasons it was awarded a five-star review. Photo by Axel Quartarone.

Boise State’s cherished and highly esteemed food source, Aramark, has been awarded a five-star review from a world-trusted restaurant guide.

Let’s be honest, no one was really surprised by Aramark receiving this huge honor. Aramark has been a staple of the best Boise State experiences for students since the beginning of their contract with Boise State. Their high turnover, inability to meet health codes and overall poor customer service due to overworked employees are all something to be admired for such a standout corporation.

Sophomore biology major Timothy Jackson is a usual at the Boise River Café

(BRC), one of Aramark’s popular food spots on campus. He said how much he loves the salad bar, which he visits regularly.

“I don’t eat anywhere else. Honestly, nothing compares to the BRC’s room temperature vegetables,” Jackson said. “I can count on consistently wilted lettuce and it’s fantastic.”

While Jackson’s favorite part of Aramark’s dining services is the food, other students expressed how impressed they always are with the service.

“I could’ve stopped getting the meal plan after the first couple years, but nothing beat Aramark’s customer service,” said

senior Latin major Jacoba Addlehammer.

“I can tell by the lack of engagement with students and regularly undercooked food that the employees really enjoy their job.”

Belinda Sweitsenhower has been an employee with Aramark at Boise State for about a decade. She works in the kitchen as one of the main cooks.

“Yeah I haven’t gotten a raise for like 10 years and whenever I have a complaint, the managers tell me to suck it up. It’s a great way to build character,” Sweitsenhower said.

Another employee of Aramark at Boise State is Gary Goffner, who said he’s worked there for about six months and has

received a total of four promotions.

The current manager of Aramark at Boise State is Garrett Vance, who said he has been waiting to receive this award for some time now.

“I’m surprised it took this long for us to be recognized for our great employee satisfaction, high class food service and positive company culture,” Vance said.

When asked about how he feels about his employees, he said he had no comment, because he forgot who works there now.

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DUELING OPINION

WHY PINEAPPLE BELONGS ON PIZZA

PINEAPPLE: THE UN-WOKE TOPPING

The lack of pineapple opportunity is ruining our country

Simple pizza topping, or evil imperalist oppression?

Brandon Rasmussen | Editor-In-Chief | editor@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Jacob Palmer | Opinion Editor | opinion@stumedia.boisestate.edu

When I was a young boy, I must have spent years of my life at my local Pizza Hut. I fondly remember shading in coloring page after coloring page with my three free crayons and purchasing tiny “Sticky Handz” from the quarter machines. All the while, an overwhelming scent dominated the space. The smell of my favorite pizza— Hawaiian.

As we all know, the subject of pineapple on pizza is one that has generated a fair amount of controversy as of late. The conflict has even reached Washington D.C., as seen in a scuffle last Thursday on Twitter between President Trump and Minnesota middle schooler Andrew Taft, where Trump called Taft a “weak loser” for preferring more traditional toppings.

“Pineapple is the KING of pizza toppings,” Trump tweeted at 3 a.m. on Thursday, March 29. “Little Andrew Taft are dumb and wrong.”

While I don’t agree with Trump’s methods, I do think he has a point. Pineapple pizza has been a staple of our country’s culture for at least tens of years. And to be fair, Taft does seem like kind of a loser.

I checked his Facebook page last night and he has “accordion” listed under his interests. Sad. But getting back to the issue at hand, a recent poll I conducted at the end of my Psych 101 class among a few of my friends shows that 80% of Americans actually prefer pineapple on pizza. Joey is the only one who said no, because he’s an asshole. The tangy aftertaste and welcoming color tone of everyone’s favorite fruit adds nothing but sunshine and flavor to Italy’s greatest dish.

According to my cousin, Brody, my great uncle was actually from Italy, and was one of the first people to ever put pineapple on pizza in the 1980s. He was kicked out of his country for his beliefs, at which

It has come to my attention that certain students, who shall go unnamed, have recently written into the Arbitrary arguing pineapples should belong on pizza. This suggestion is appalling, atrocious and insulting to every fair minded individual who reads this fine publication. Oh sure, those pro-pineapple deplorables will argue it “tastes good” or “livens up a pizza,” but as a three and one-quarter year macrosectional studies major, I and many other enlightened individuals see this topping for what it truly is, cultural appropriation.

Who’s culture are whe appropriating?

The rich and valuable culture of the Hawaiian people, of which I have been an expert on ever since I watched that Moana movie. I read on a some Tumblr blog that all pineapples come from Hawaii, and with every bite of this imperialist pizza, we are crushing the rich history and culture of the Hawaiians between our cavity filled teeth. Whatever bits of pineapple that aren’t eaten get stuck between our teeth of oppression, and have to be picked out by either dental floss or my uncles really long fingernails. A more perfect analogy for imperialism can not be formed.

What’s more is that the ancient Hawaiian spirit that rests inside the pineapple is actively fighting against our imperialist dining preferences. Do you know why a pineapple tastes tangy? It’s probably never occurred to your privileged mind, but here’s a reality check: That tangy feeling is acid dissolving your skin! Clearly it’s an ancient polynesian curse punishing us for our flagrant disrespect of their culture!

And if that wasn’t enough. Our so-called President Trump (who might I remind you didn’t win the popular vote) voiced his approval of the topping. The writing is on the virtual wall.

Now as a reader you may say to yourself you’re innocent in this whole endeavor.

point he sailed to America to find religious freedom. By banishing pineapple from pizza storefronts across the nation, we would be spitting on our heritage, a proud history of immigrants who came to this country to combine tropical fruits and lightly-smoked pig meat on a pasta dish. What is more American than that?

Furthermore, custom flavors like Hawaiian pizza are the backbone of mom and pop businesses like my local Pizza Hut, which rely on the unregulated selection of pizzas to survive. Where’s the sense of adventure and experimentation? Innovation is vital to the food industry in the United States. If pizza purists had their way, then before long, all we would have to eat is pepperoni. And I hate that stuff—it’s way too spicy for me.

In fact, I not only support pineapple on pizza, but why not other fruits?

Blueberries could be good. What about strawberries? These sweet, healthy fruits were excellent additions to the yogurt in my breakfast this morning—let’s add them to lunch and dinner as well. I want to see a cantaloupe-sausage pizza with garlic crust. I want to see a New York-style pie with strawberry jam spread on an inch thick. This is the future of pizza. This is the future of America.

I know I’m in the minority on this issue—or, at least, I’ve decided I am—but the advancement of American ideals has always met opposition at first. I’m confident that we pineapple warriors will overcome, and we will not be silenced by the marinara elites. Stay strong, friends. We shall overcome.

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You might even say you’ve never even had pinapple on pizza. But do not be fooled.

The act of not having pinapple on pizza is only more proof, in an ever building pile of proof of your complete ignorance to problem of cultural appropriation. How are you expected to speak out against it if you haven’t participated in it yourself?

Thus I have created a perfect solution to this extreme problem. Anyone who whishes to order a Hawaiian pizza must first travel down to Hawaii to take an intensive eight week course on their culture.

Then they must cut the pinapple down themselves and spend a customary ten hours morning the pinapples slaying. After which, they must carry the pineapple in a coffin back to their local pizza place for the pizza to be made.

Then, when the pizza is being made, the person who wishes to consume the pineapple pizza must stick their hand into the oven for a total of fifteen seconds to experience the pain of a culture being destroyed. Then, when the pizza is done, they must fly back to Hawaii to ask for the locals blessing to eat it. Then, and only then, can the person comsume this abomination of foodstuffs. I shall have the most important role in the procedure. I will supervise everything from behind my keyboard.

And just in case all of this perfect logic hasn’t enlightened you enough, let me ask you, what color are the teeth, rolls of dental floss, and really long fingernails that toy with the poor Hawaiian pineapple?

They are, wait for it...white. Boom. End of debate. I owned everyone else. Bring on the finger snaps of approval.

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OPINION

DON’T BE FOOLED: THE EARTH IS FLAT What the round earth elitists don’t want you to know Peter Huguenin |Sports Reporter | opinion@stumedia.boisestate.edu

FACTS! The earth is flat. Photo by Taylor Humby.

The earth is flat, and people are stupid if they don’t believe it. I went for a walk in a park, and I noticed something really strange. There was no curve. Stunned by this development, I went to a local reptilian I knew and asked him if the earth was flat. He told me to leave or he would eat me, so I left.

I was stunned by this. For my entire life people had been telling me the earth was round. I ran to the nearest Home Depot (in retrospect it would have been a lot easier to drive) and grabbed a level. I found a spot that wasn’t on a hill and set the level down, and SHOCKER, it said it was flat.

According to Wikipedia there’s some dude from Tunisia who proved the earth was flat during one of the recent eclipses (does anyone actually know the difference between a lunar and solar eclipse). He also proved the earth is the center of the universe and only about 13,500 years old.

Which if this is all true, it means the Bible was right, and all you people who don’t believe in Jesus are going to hell.

They didn’t have the guys name on Wikipedia, and I was too lazy to keep researching so I didn’t reach out to interview him, but I did find a homeless guy in Boise that agrees the earth is flat. His name was Issac and he had a really cool dog with him.

“The earth is flat ... (inaudible muttering),” Issac said while staring blankly at a fire hydrant. “Back in Vietnam I saw the earth get lit on fire for miles, but it was always in a straight line. It never curved.”

I honestly don’t know how people think the earth was still round, that would be like believing that the US went to the moon or that Lee Harvey Oswald worked alone in assassinating John F. Kennedy.

Like seriously, Oswald barely passed his marksmanship test. The shot he made

“The earth is flat...(inaudible muttering)... Back in Vietnam I saw the earth get lit on fire for miles, but it was always in a straight line. It never curved” -A random homeless guy named Issac (he has a cool dog). would have been hard for an expert sniper let alone Oswald. Not to mention that Kennedy made enemies of his own vice president Lyndon B. Johnson, the CIA, the mafia, the Cuban Prime Minister Fidel Castro, and the security agency of the

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Soviet Union the KGB. Some people argue the earth can’t be flat otherwise cats would have pushed everything off the edge of the earth by now, but that isn’t possible due to the polar ice walls around the earth. Other people will argue we have satellite photos of the earth being round, but I also saw a photo of a rhino that had the legs of a giraffe, and found out later that was photoshopped so I’m sure these photos of the earth are photoshopped also.

I had someone ask me why don’t people climb over the ice walls if the earth is flat.

I thought everyone knew by now that NASA guards the ice wall to prevent people from climbing over it.

Imagine trying to play any sport if the earth was round, when ever you dribble to ball it would just roll around.

The globalist elites of society want you to believe that the earth is a globe, but I will not lay down and let them get away with this. Have you ever wondered why they use the world globalist, it’s because they’re tricking you.

What you don’t know is that the globalist have convinced people that the earth is round for one reason ... to sell more globes! Globe sales sky rocketed once people stopped believing the earth was flat.

It was really a smart business plan. They cornered the market.

We’re fighting for out right to live, to exist. And should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American Holiday, but as the day when the would declared in one voice: ‘We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive!’

Today, we celebrate our Independence Day! The earth is flat. Me and hundreds of other people have proven it. Now stop believing in fairy tales and just accept the earth is flat.

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F E AT U R E

OLD WHITEGUY OFFICIALLY SELECTED AS NEW BOISE STATE PRESIDENT

The choice showcases a huge shift to make Boise State’s leadership diverse Taylor Munson | Online Editor | onlineeditor@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Illustrated here is a clear indication of how the new president will change the previous perspectives of Boise State presidents. Graphic by Sierra Nobley.

After months of anticipation, excitement and a grueling application process, the Idaho State Board of Education has officially announced the new president of Boise State. To much of the campus’ surprise, Boise State has officially selected Old Whiteguy to fill the shoes of current old white guy, President Bob Kustra.

This unexpected selection is clearly exemplary of Boise State’s move to be more inclusive and represent a wider variety of voices on campus, and demonstrates the changes Boise State is pushing for in creating a leadership team with diverse perspectives. Many students and faculty have been waiting for someone with a different background and unique experiences

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to lead Boise State, and finally got exactly what they were looking for.

“It’s about time we get an old white guy in the president’s office,” said Joe Reynolds, a professor of gender equality studies.

“I really wish this would have happened sooner.”

According to Reynolds, every single one of the previous presidents has been an old white guy. Reynolds said this predictable history of Boise State presidents and their similar backgrounds has kept leadership from being able to address issues outside of their own experiences. These include issues of race, gender and inequality, which are all common experiences on a campus like Boise State.

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But now, with Old Whiteguy taking over, this is all going to change.

“He’s got fresh ideas and is really one-ofa-kind. We’ve really never had a president like him before,” said someone I think is on the state board.

Freshman political science major Michael Michaelson is one of the many, many students who expressed his relief over this surprising decision.

“I finally feel like there is someone in power who looks just like me and can speak to my underrepresented concerns,” Michaelson said. “I heard he was an avid shuffleboard player, and I’m one too, so I think we’ll get along.”

As to be expected, there was basically

no protesting or disagreement with this choice. The only concerns came from the Affiliated Students For Biker Safety (ASFBS), who spent all day after the announcement protesting in the quad.

“We just feel like historically, Boise State’s presidents haven’t made us bikers the main focus of their presidency,” said Johnny Bikesalot, president of the ASFBS. “No one cares about us and we’re sick of it.”

Current President Bob Kustra is absolutely thrilled with the selection. According to Kustra, this is exactly what he wanted to happen in order for his legacy to continue on.

“I would’ve been upset if anyone else

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F E AT U R E awareness to the presence of Greek life on campus as his primary goals.

Whiteguy believes putting a focus on underrepresented groups, such as Greek life, on campus will increase the overall campus culture and student experience.

“I actually applied for this job because I thought it was in Iowa.

I guess I got Iowa and Idaho confused, but somehow got the job.”

Old Whiteguy, new president

Pictured above are the previous Boise State presidents: Bishop Middleton Barnwell (top left) Dr. Eugene Chaffee (top middle) Dr. John Barnes (top right) Dr. John Keiser (bottom left) Dr. Charles Ruch (bottom middle) Dr. Robert Kustra (bottom right). Illustrations by John G. Collias

was chosen, because I need someone who will finish what I started,” Kustra said.

“Old Whiteguy is the only person who truly understands my goals and background. Anyone else just wouldn’t be up for the job.”

The Arbitrary was able to secure an exclusive interview with the new president.

We were truly honored to even be in his

presence.

Old Whiteguy was born and raised in some town in Iowa that no one has ever heard of. He’s actually never left his hometown his entire life, and has met very few people outside of his family.

“I actually applied for this job because I thought it was in Iowa. I guess I got Iowa and Idaho confused, but somehow got the

job,” Whiteguy said. “I’m not really looking forward to living in such a diverse state as Idaho, because I’m afraid I won’t really blend in. I guess we’ll see though.”

Old Whiteguy talked about what he plans to do in this new position. He cited increasing the price of textbooks, getting rid of bike lanes, offering weekly shuffleboard gatherings and bringing more

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“Student experience is so important to me,” Whiteguy said. “When the students are happy, I’m happy. So really for me, it’s less about education, and more about just giving people what they want.”

In order to really gauge how the student body feels about the new president, we decided to go out and talk to many different students to get their reactions. One student in particular who feels strongly and had a lot to say about Whiteguy was football player Brock Dudebro.

“I recently won an art competition so that’s chill,” Dudebro said. “It’d be nice if I could win more art competitions under this new guy.”

Only time will tell how well Whiteguy will do as he embarks on his journey to take over and continue on with the legacy of current President Kustra. However, we all know his unparalleled strengths and experiences will allow him to pave the way for a completely new presidency that will feel unfamiliar and refreshing in these modern times. Good luck Whiteguy, we’re all cheering for you.

APRIL 03, 2018

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DUDEBRO SCORES AGAIN Football star wins recent art competition Shannon Brennan | Culture Editor | culture@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Dudebro made this piece and it looks good.

Photo and art by Shannon Brennan.

A recent art competition hosted by the Department of Art at Boise State truly showed that what millennials learned back in 2006 from what some would say is the greatest movie of all time and cinematic history, “High School Musical,” is completely and irrevocably true. A school’s star player can succeed at virtually anything he wants or needs to do.

Football superstar Brock Dudebro pulled a classic Troy Bolton surprising teammates and the entire university after winning first place for his piece “Green Tree,” stick to the status quo he did not.

Dudebro was required to take a 100-level art class while pursuing his marketing degree. This introduction to art experience involved submitting each student’s best piece of art to the yearly Boise State Art Competition.

His artist statement claims that the piece was done at his girlfriend’s dorm room the morning submissions were do. The elements utilized in the work are a combination of Dudebro’s girlfriend’s nail polish and an old piece of lined paper found in

his backpack.

“I didn’t actually know Brock was in my class until time for submissions came around. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen him in class before,” said Laura Painter, professor of art at Boise State and a judge for this year’s competition. “But he submitted his final piece on time and his name is on the roll sheet.”

Despite Dudebro’s continuous absences, the judges of the art competition were truly amazed by his performance this last football season.

“I honestly feel like Dudebro just does a lot for the university, he has put a lot of work in and the team looked great this year,” Painter said. “I don’t think he would have passed the class without winning this competition.”

Judges found it difficult to decide the winner out of this year’s submissions.

They expressed their amazement over the many different styles and expressions that showed through each student’s piece.

“Yeah there were some great pieces of art. Some of the student’s worked really hard, but really there was just no competition once Dudebro’s piece was submitted.

There was nothing quite like that thing he painted,” Painter said.

When asked about the work and their impressions of it, many students in and out of the fine arts field of studies were thrilled to share their opinions.

“Oh Brock? I love that guy, he really carried the team this year. Did you see his run during the BYU game? Legendary,” said business major Carl Havershim.

Many other students had similar thoughtful remarks to add about Dudebro and his piece “Green Tree.” All students and judges spoken with agree that this award was well-deserved and hard won.

“I’m really looking forward to what we can expect for him next season,” Painter said.

Dudebro was unavailable for questions or comments regarding his art.

C U LT U R E

THE OLD TAYLOR SWIFT CAN’T COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW Logan Potter | Culture Reporter | culture@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Rising from the dead just like her public persona, old Taylor prevails even in the afterlife. Photo courtesy of Mashable.

Old Taylor Alison Swift was born on Dec. 13, 1989. This day became a pinnacle in the nation’s history, as this woman would later go onto great things, like telling her fanbase when to “never, ever get back together” with an ex, or how to pen an appropriate personal letter as she did to our dear John (Mayer). She fearlessly led a generation to speak now (but only if it doesn’t harm your reputation) and to focus on the little things—like yourself.

Old Taylor left a mark on the world, especially to streaming services. After complaining about not receiving royalties from Apple Music, she pulled her entire catalog. This move was iconic and not to be forgotten. But New Taylor shaped up her reputation later, showing everyone what they made her do, and this music appeared on Spotify and Apple Music once again. Her persistence and drive to

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never stop short of her goals will be sorely missed, and we hope that the replacement Taylor will bring this same ambition to the table.

An acting career left behind, we remember Old Taylor’s look only by her appearance in “Valentine’s Day” as Taylor Lautner’s girlfriend, but she was so much more.

She was a voice in “The Lorax” and a guest star on “New Girl,” where she warmed our hearts as well as our television screens. Old Taylor endured struggle in the spotlight, suing a harasser for only $1 in a symbolic message to women everywhere (but she could work on her outreach), and her last move before her demise was a silent one.

Old Taylor is survived by New Taylor, and she will be sorely missed by Swifties and her Twitter followers forever. Rest in peace delicately; we hope your getaway car was memorable.

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C U LT U R E LOOKING OUT FOR THE LITTLE GUY Boise State’s Fine Arts rat problem Shannon Brennan | Culture Editor | culture@stumedia.boisestate.edu

The rat’s current dialpidated home. Photo by Camille Poynter.

While students and professors alike look forward to the new fine arts building being built on campus, some concerned bystanders are asking questions.

“It has recently come to my attention that the lab rats used throughout the university are housed in the current Fine Art Building,” said business major Carl Havershim. “If they move the art department to this new building, which by the way is totally ruining the parking closest to my building, where are they going to put those rats?”

Havershim and other students like him are concerned that if they move the art students out of the building and potentially tear the current building down, there will be no home for the building’s current residents. Havershim says he has seen no mention of what will happen to the rats in the future plans for Boise State.

“Honestly, even if they keep the build-

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ing up and leave the poor animals in there, I think we should move them. That building is super depressing,” Havershim said.

Students spoken to on this subject said they did not have any idea the rats were in this building. Many students were unaware that Boise State even had a Fine Arts Building in the first place, but most agree that Havershim’s concerns seem valid.

Havershim and his cohorts are currently launching a campaign to lobby the university into allowing the rats to move into the new building.

“The art students have been fine in the old space this long, why do they need to move now? I think the space in the brand new building would be better used as a space for these rats,” Havershim said.

Havershim is currently working on rallying like-minded students to sign a petition to rehouse the rats. He encouraged students to think of the rats. Although he has

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not actually spoken to a current fine arts student, he truly believes they probably won’t really mind staying where they are at for the time being.

“They should be excited,” Havershim said. “If this is cleared by the university and the rats are moved into the new space, the art people can have the whole building to themselves. They can take other the space the rats are in now and do art stuff there all day.”

Havershim is inquiring about the way in which one might hire those petition people scattered around downtown Boise so as to get more signatures for his campaign.

“I think it would be good to get the Boise community involved in this, and those guys in the green vests are professionals.

They even got me to almost sign that paper about whatever it is they are doing, and I never sign petitions, those guys are seriously good at pestering people into

submission,” Havershim said.

Havershim is excited about the way the campaign is going thus far and looks forward to the future. He believes the administration as well as the wider Boise State community will stand behind him in supporting him in what he believes is a truly noble cause. He also looks forward to future endeavors to represent the rats, including forming a panel to represent their concerns to the ASBSU. “Everybody’s getting all excited about the big new space for the art students, nobody seems to be looking out for the little guys in all this,” Havershim said.

For now the questions plaguing many student’s minds will go unanswered. IS the university really building a whole new building for the fine arts? Where are the poor business kids supposed to park? And where, oh here will the rats go?

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C U LT U R E

I DELETED ALL MY SOCIAL MEDIA

WHO NEEDS ART? WE GOT KUSTRA!

Here’s what happened

Boise State set to honor outgoing president Bob Kustra

Logan Potter | Culture Reporter | culture@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Shannon Brennan | Culture Editor | culture@stumedia.boisestate.edu

It started with the constant itching—like I had bugs crawling over my skin. It was like my hands couldn’t find anything to do except scratch,when they once posted status updates. Then came the blind spots in my vision where Buzzfeed quizzes once graced my eyes; will I ever know which Disney princess I am based on my answers to six questions completely unrelated to the Disney universe?

We always listen to prescription drug side effects on television, but we never expect them to happen to us. Without social media, I am forgettable. If I can’t post memes to my friend’s Facebook walls, does anyone know who I am? Will they remember me?

Boise State faculty were left grief stricken in wake of the devastating news of President Bob Kustra’s resignation. After coping with the obvious end of the world, university administration have also been doing their best to find the perfect way to honor this pillar of our Boise State community and the United States at large.

It was ultimately some random janitor who suggested the perfect commemoration. As of fall 2018 all art exhibits on campus will be replaced with different pieces depicting Kustra. This includes the galleries located in the Student Union Building, the Liberal Art Building, and wherever else there may or may not be art located on campus. That cool swoopy metal sculpture thing out in the Quad? Statue of Kustra. Those little art plaques in the stairwells of the parking garages? Painting, drawings, photos or what have you of our dear Bob. Half of the parking spaces on the campus? Live performances depicting different stages of Kustra’s fascinating life.

I was wrong. Piece of cake? I don’t even know how to make cake anymore because I can’t find the recipe on Pinterest.

Logan Potter, recent Phoneaholics After a serious bout with screenitis—or electronic addiction—I decided it would be best for me as an ambitious college student to remove myself from the social media-sphere once and for all. I told myself I didn’t need Instagram or Twitter, I just liked killing time and distracting myself from the never-ending homework listed on every syllabus handed to me. Because of that, I decided, putting away the cell phone and pulling out the book would be a piece of cake.

I was wrong. Piece of cake? I don’t even know how to make cake anymore because I can’t find the recipe on Pinterest.

Broken and baked good-deprived, I made the effort to find more like-minded

individuals to support me in my time of need. This in and of itself was difficult without the support of my Facebook stalking prowess. While there aren’t many left in 2018, I found a twenty-something male who had some things to say about overcoming phone addiction. “...*heavy breathing,*” Wit Draws said.

After obtaining this valuable information and keen insight, I figured that I should find something to take over my spare time. The less time I have to think about social media, the less I will miss posting to my friends and family, updating them that college has, in fact, not killed me yet, but I have changed my major at least six times.

I’ve recently taken up beetle fighting, which is exactly what it sounds like. My beetles are my friends, but they are not each other’s. It’s a good stress-relieving mechanism for them, and really, I don’t want my family and friends to know about it, so it’s a win-win.

Whether you are a calm and collected man like Wit Draws or a struggling phone-aholic like me, you too can log off social media for good.

In a scientific journal I found published

by The Odyssey Online, I found that it’s really up in the air as to whether or not social media is a drug. “The answer to that is up to you and how you feel about it,” which means that essentially, anything can be a drug. Your love, miracles and violence can all be addictive if you simply believe and feel for them.

Once you get past the drug withdrawal-like symptoms, it’s easy, but not a piece of cake. You can say goodbye to cake, but on the plus side, that might mean weight loss for you. Deleting your precious apps might sting at first, but it might introduce you to something you never imagined being interested in. Be careful, however, because side effects may vary.

“I’m really excited to see what they come up with in the exhibits,” said Bill Blabberbake, a university goose poop scraper.

“There is so much space on this campus.

They can do statues and cool abstract stuff. I don’t really know much about art, but I think it’ll be rad.”

University students have also expressed excitement in wake of the new announcement, seeing it as a definite improvement over the art exhibits which the Arbitrary reported on last year.

“I went to one of those student art exhibits once and it just didn’t really do anything for me. It was just some wired rubber chicken in a coffee mug” said Business major Carl Havershim. “I don’t really get art. Like it’s cool and everything, but I feel like Kustra is pretty cool too.”

Havershim is not the only student thrilled about the upcoming changes.

Everyone loves Kustra and the university does not see any downside to the exhibit alterations.

So excited to see more of Bob. Photo illustration by Axel Quartarone.

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SPORTS & REC

NRA BUYS NAMING RIGHTS TO TACO BELL ARENA

The “NRA Freedomdome” is expected to open next semester Jacob Palmer | Opinion Editor | opinion@stumedia.boisestate.edu

BOISE STATE FOOTBALL TEAM TAKES TIME OFF TO FIND ITSELF Peter Huguen | Sports Reporter

The NRA Freedom dome will bet set to open to the public by next semester. Graphic by Sierra Nobley.

Cheers of jubilee rang out through Crazy Bill’s Bingo Hall when Boise State executives announced the naming rights to Taco Bell Arena had been bought out by the National Rifle Association (NRA.) The organization announced the name of the venue would be changed to the “NRA Freedom Dome” later this year.

“Frankly, even we’re surprised this happened, every other state wouldn’t allow us to buy a stadium except Idaho” said Jeth Montclair, a local NRA representative, “I heard the university was so desperate for money after they built that Kustra memorial, they’d take any bid whatsoever. We bought the arena for only 8 bucks!”

Planned renovations for the stadium will include displays of taxidermied woodland animals, personal shooting ranges in each of the restroom stalls and a giant AR-15 statue on the roof which shoots out patriotic fireworks whenever the home team scores.

“Safety is our number one priority,” said

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Montclair, “We will have gun checks at each of the entrances to make sure everyone is carrying a firearm. Plus we’ll have our referees wear bulletproof uniforms to protect against irate fans. I think we’ve got everything covered.”

Ninety-Nine percent of Idaho’s population welcomed this announcement with excitement. Including Billy Hobokenson a local gun enthusiast who owns 72 handguns, 12 semi-automatic rifles and a pretty pink princess BB gun for good measure.

“I’m so excited about this!” Hobokenson said. “It gives the phrase, ‘He Shoots, He Scores’ a whole new meaning. Plus instead of changing ‘De-Fence!’ at the athlete’s we can chant, ‘Stand Your Ground!’”

Local food vendors are already clamoring to secure food stands at the arena.

According to the NRA, the only prerequisite for owning a stall is that all vendors provide “free reloads” for all food and drinks.

“For too long the elites have told us

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what we can eat, what we can drink and what we can shoot. But at the NRA Freedom Dome, everyone can consume whatever they want like a free American,” said Montclair.

Not everyone welcomed the news with open arms. A small group of Boise State students stood outside the bingo hall chanting and waving signs.

One student, named Lebralle Snowphlaik, wanted to speak with the Arbitrary to voice his disapproval, but ultimately declined because, “He couldn’t even…” So instead, we talked to a random teenager named Billy.

“Guns are cool I guess…” Billy said, “I once saw the Mythbusters chop a tree down with bullets, and that would be cool to do. I asked my parents if I could do that for my last birthday but they told me I’d shoot my eye out, so yeah…”

Billy is expected to enroll at Boise State next semester.

The Boise State football team has canceled the 2018-19 football season in attempt to find itself. This will be the first time since 1932 that Boise State has not had a football team, but hopefully the team will be able to find itself in the near future.

Most of the coaches and players were not available for comment, as they were off adventuring in Europe and Cabo, but Buster Bronco—Boise State’s mascot since 1932—was able to talk to us before his flight to New Zealand.

“For my whole life, all I remember is being a mascot for Boise State,” Buster said.

“I’ve never tried to live out my dream.

I always wanted to be an archaeologist, and I feel that I am finally going to have a chance to do that.”

Buster wanted to make it clear that it wasn’t the fans fault the team is canceling next season.

“It’s not the fans—it’s us,” Buster said.

It was rumored that what inspired the team was the song “Find Yourself” by Brad Paisley from the “Cars” soundtrack.

Many fans are disappointed by this as they will have less of an excuse to get exactly drunk on a Thursday night.

“Now I just a full ‘allcy’—I need football. It’s not good,” said some drunk guy in a Boise State football jersey.

We’re not really sure what the guy meant, but it sounded really deep.

The football team has no future plans for when or if they will come back.

“This isn’t about football,” said some random dude that looked official. “This is about the team finding themselves.

Forever their entire identity has been in football. They have a chance to change that.”

ALL INFORMATION IN THESE ARTICLES HAS BEEN FABRICATED IN CELEBRATION OF APRIL FOOLS DAY.

SPORTS & REC

KOHL THE TEE DOG ANNOUNCES “AIR BUD” BASKETBALL TEAM Boise State’s most famous dog weighs in on social issues concerning canines and basketball Daniel Gardner | Sports & Rec Reporter | sports@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Kohl the Tee Dog, Boise State’s canine celebrity who took the Internet by storm, announced on Monday, April 1 he is starting an “Air Bud” basketball team at Boise State, on which only dogs will be allowed.

Kohl said the lack of access to sports for dogs is a shameful spot on the University’s sports offerings. After spending the men’s basketball season shooting hoops during halftime, Kohl declared his skills were more than an act.

Recruiting for the team will begin immediately, and Kohl said he hopes all kinds of canines from chihuahuas to great danes come to show their skills on the court.

“This is a chance for dogs to show we’re not just here to fetch,” Kohl said. “We’re here to dunk on you, too.”

Boise State men’s basketball coach Cody Warner said he welcomes the new Air Bud division.

“Kohl has serious game,” Warner said.

“This could really put Boise State on the map, and within years we could be the Kentucky of Air Bud basketball.”

Too often, dogs are seen as goofy, rather than the serious ballers they are, according to Kohl.

“Due to the societal reputation of dogs, we have some nuanced cultural discourse to navigate here,” Kohl said. “While we don’t want to perpetuate the image that dogs are merely here for the entertainment of humans, it would be irresponsible to ignore the fact that dogs have been without a basketball team for far too long. But the primary audience for basketball happens

to be humans, so it appears we will have to continue that tradition in exchange for some progress.

Reactions to this statement from the student body has been positive overall.

“That’s so cute,” said freshman psychology major Mary Krukshank. “Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?”

While Kohl did indeed confirm he was a “very good boy,” he said the response only proves his point further.

Those interested in hearing more about Kohl’s thoughts on the systemic patronization of the canine species, students can catch a Q&A session with him on Tuesday, April 10 at the Simplot Ballroom in the SUB.

Boise State’s famous canine retriever is surprisingly socially concious. Photo by Axel Quartarone.

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SPORTS & REC

ART BUILDING REPURPOSED

SMURF TURF MADE OF REAL SMURFS

Football program to turn new building into amusement park

Arbitrary investigaion leads to horrifying discovery

Daniel Gardner | Sports & Rec Editor | sports@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Daniel Gardner | Sports & Rec Editor | sports@stumedia.boisestate.edu

The new Fine Arts Center is now planned to be an amusement park for football players exclusively. Photo by Axel Quartarone.

Boise State Athletic Director Curt Apsey announced April 1 that the football team will expand its team facilities into the Fine Arts Center by the beginning of the Fall 2018 semester. In a unanimous decision, the team voted to expand its space after deciding players needed room for at least one additional air hockey table.

The team’s proposal will replace anything arts-related within the new building and replace it with an indoor amusement park.

Joy Day, the director of Fun and Stuff for Boise State’s football team, said the amusement park will have multiple roller coasters, go kart tracks, a splash park and their very own staff of carnies who will keep up with all of the maintenance and games.

Students all across campus were excited about the news until they found out the new space would be only for football players. Junior communication major Scott Schmidt came forward with his opinion against the planned construction.

“Everyone wants to ride a rollercoaster,” Schmidt said. “Just because I don’t make millions of dollars for the school doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t be valued in the

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same way these football players are.”

Though the newest announcement gave no details on the costs of the plan, vice secretary of Administrative Indecision Gimmy Achance said he is of strong belief this will help the school.

“Boise State will officially be the first school in the country to offer an amusement park to our incoming football players,” Achance said. “I cannot think of a better recruitment tool for the school and I am excited to see how this will benefit our program.”

Meanwhile, art students whose classroom and exhibit spaces will be sacrificed for this amusement park have been planning a protest on the Quad, saying there is no reason for the new Fine Arts Center to cater to the whims of football players.

“This is ridiculous—that space was designed for us,” said sophomore art major Samantha Parker. “And if they’re going to build an amusement park, can we at least paint a mural on it?”

Achance laughed out loud in response to this question.

“Serves you right, you hippies,” Achance said.

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Over the last year, a reporter with The Arbitrary has worked undercover with the maintenance staff at Albertsons stadium in April 2017 working for a year to uncover the horrific, long-held secret: the blue hue of the stadium’s famous turf is derived from deceased smurfs.

According to an anonymous worker at Albertsons Stadium, before Boise State University was formed, the stadium property was an ancient Smurf burial ground.

The spot is sacred to Smurfs, and in an agreement obtained by a public records request, the University agreed to let Smurfs continue to use the land to bury their dead.

“It’s a win-win situation,” said another maintenance staffer who declined to be named for fear of losing his job. “The smurfs keep their sacred cemetery, and we have the snazziest turf in the nation.”

In a reaction to the revelation, the University agreed to cease using the nickname “Smurf turf,” for the blue field. The new official name is the Papa Smurf Memorial Stadium.

“My God,” said sophomore sports med-

icine major Jenny Jensen. “It’s so horrible and beautiful. I honestly don’t know how I feel about it.”

According to various reports, this secret arrangement was first brought to the attention of stadium employees when one particular worker noticed something unusual sticking out of the ground.

“When I looked closer, I realized, ‘Holy moly, that’s a tiny, blue finger,’” said the anonymous employee. “I ran to tell me boss, who just told me to leave it. So now I’m thinking, ‘Holy moly, something weird is going on here.’”

While the new university president did not respond for comment on this issue, his administrative assistant, Clark Clergal, told The Arbitrary that this has confirmed his own long-held suspicions.

“Everyone here in the office has suspected this for so long,” Clergal said. “Why else would it be blue? There’s literally no other reason why it would look like that. I hope getting this out in the open will further improve relations between Boise State and the Smurfs. I love that show.”

The famous Bronco Blue is actually made up of deceased Smurf remains. Photo illustration by Axel Quartarone.

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Shannon, our culture editor, announced yesterday that she will no longer be working at The Arbitrary to pursue a career as a cartoonist. In support of her dream, we’ve published her debut comic.

And it is beautiful. Best of luck, Shannon.

SAT U R DAY | A P R I L 1 4 T H 2 0 1 8 | 1 0 A M - 1 0 P M | J UL IA DAV IS PA R K

WWW.BOISEHEMPFEST.COM

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University Pulse

Positions:

Music Director Promotions Director (April 4)

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Questions?

Email studentmedia@boisestate.edu or stop by our ofďŹ ce, located in the Lincoln Avenue Parking Garage