The Arbiter (The Arbitrary) 4.2.19 Vol. 31 Issue 27

April 2, 2019

Vol. 31 Issue 27

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BEEF WITH GEESE TEN NON-LETHAL WAYS TO DEAL WITH GEESE

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Boise State officials unveil new and improved ten-year master plan for campus and surrounding areas

Aggressive Facebook troll believes he has changed my mind regarding a critical world issue

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Kindergarteners get lost in the Student Union Building, immediately get Lord of the Flies-y

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Baseball team to spend first season playing in the empty lot where their stadium should have been

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Editor-In-Chief Jordan Erb editor@stumedia.boisestate.edu Online Editor Ximena Bustillo onlineeditor@stumedia.boisestate.edu News Editor Jordan Erb and Ximena Bustillo news@stumedia.boisestate.edu News Reporter Taylor Rico-Pekerol news@stumedia.boisestate.edu Culture Editor Logan Potter culture@stumedia.boisestate.edu Culture Reporter David Collie culture@stumedia.boisestate.edu Sports Editor Delaney Brassil sports@stumedia.boisestate.edu Sports Reporter Autum Robertson sports@stumedia.boisestate.edu Copy Editors Christopher Duggan

Local goose and convicted student harasser stands annoyingly in the park.

ON THE COVER:

Digital Content Manager Taylor Humby digitalcontent@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Are you bothered by geese on campus? Then these 10 non-lethal remedies to deter geese are for you! Read more on page 10 and 11.

Illustration by Wyatt Wur tenberger.

Digital Content Producer Mackenzie Hudson Graphic Design Manager Maddie Ceglecki design@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Illustrator Wyatt Wurtenberger

Distributed Tuesdays during the academic school year The Arbiter is the official independent student newspaper of Boise State University, where student editors make all content decisions and bear responsibility for those decisions. The Arbiter’s budget consists of fees paid by the student body and advertising sales. The first copy is free.

Additional copies can be purchased for $1 a piece at The Arbiter offices.

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WE’RE BACK HELL’s belles 04/05

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CHAD PRATHER 04/25

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fever 333 04/24 jai wolf 05/05

NEWS

APRIL 2, 2019 | ARBITERONLINE.COM

OFFICIALS UNVEIL UPDATED 10-YEAR CAMPUS PLAN Boise State to get bigger, better and Bronco-er

Chris Duggan and Henry Coffey | Guest Writers | news@stumedia.boisestate.edu

A new home for Bronco legends While the new baseball stadium is attacking the future, Boise State football will embrace the past with a hugely improved football hall of fame: The Blue Collar Legacy Dome.

“Thousands of tourists will flock to Boise every year to bask in the achievements of the NCAA’s most beloved underdog,” said Bronco History Preservation Specialist Dan McDan. “This is gonna be a huge moneymaker.”

Exhibits will include authentic squares of blue turf, signed jerseys, Fiesta Bowl trophies, a lock of Kellen Moore’s baby soft curls, and taxidermies of past tee dogs. Visitors will exit through a quiet, sunlit room featuring powerful marble busts of past head coaches in traditional Greek style.

Anyone passing by the Legacy Dome is welcome to enjoy hourly reenactments of the 2007 Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, including Ian Johnson’s unforgettable proposal to his girlfriend Chrissy Popadics.

The new plan includes a Quesalupa Baja Blast baseball stadium.

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oise State’s campus is about to experience a revolution in architecture and landscaping. School officials recently introduced a bold revamp of the ten-year Campus Master Plan. Here’s a look at some of the sweet upgrades hitting campus in the next decade: The suite life on campus New housing will let students experience life at the top. Boise State’s freshman penthouses will span three new riverside towers, planned to be the tallest in Idaho. They will boast an open floor plan with Brazilian hardwood floors and custom-designed Tuscan leather furniture.

When the stresses of college become overwhelming, students can unwind with three private masseuses or splash in one of the rooftop infinity pools.

When asked about the price of these dorms, Director of Housing Advancements Cynthia Mubs said, “Did I mention they have Brazilian

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Graphic courtesy of Boise State’s campus master plan Hardwood floors?” and pretended to answer the phone.

“We will need to use eminent domain to expropriate and demolish an additional 12 city blocks, and unfortunately that includes the beautiful new Albertsons.”

Chad Hammer, senior athletics tzar

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Baseball stadium blasts off Boise State athletics will also benefit from campus development, and the long-anticipated baseball field is first in line.

“The baseball field has taken far too long to build,” said Senior Athletics Tzar Chad Hammer. “We want to make up for that, so we’re going big.”

The new Quesalupa Baja Blast Stadium will seat 41,000 and feature a 350,000 square foot Bronco Shop.

But this monument to America’s pastime will require sacrifices.

“We will need to use eminent domain to expropriate and demolish an additional 12 city blocks, and unfortunately that includes the beautiful new Albertsons,” Hammer said.

Humanities travel to satellite locations These rapid transformations will invite some departments to find new homes. With the Blue Collar Legacy Dome replacing the Liberal Arts Building, the English Department will partner with local school districts to hold classes and office hours in 9th grade math classrooms.

“Many don’t realize the natural similarities between Algebra 1 and a 400-level literature course. But we know that this program has tremendous interdisciplinary potential,” said Provost and Vice President for Academic Affairs Marla Doinks.

The changes will ripple across the humanities departments.

“After relocating the English department, we realized that other humanities disciplines could be more effective at satellite locations,” said Provost Doinks. “As such, we’ll be moving the history department to the abandoned Pizza Hut across Capital Boulevard, and the philosophy department will now conduct business beneath Friendship Bridge.”

Representatives for the departments declined to comment.

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NEWS

STUDENTS UNKNOWINGLY COMPLAIN ABOUT UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT TO SCHIMPF While waiting in line for Starbucks, several students joined in some heckling of the interim president David Collie | Culture Reporter | news@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Wait, who is Martin Schimpf? unior political science major Sean Stevens was standing in line at Starbucks last week when he struck up some small talk with the man in line behind him, interim president Martin Schimpf. Due to the early hours, lack of caffeine and the fact that Stevens did not know who he was talking to, he soon began complaining about the university and its president.

“I mean, who is this Marty Schremf anyway?” Stevens wondered. “Like, he just kind of showed up one day, you know?”

Schimpf reportedly nodded in agreement with the unknowing student, hoping the conversation would soon change subject. Unfortunately for Schimpf, however, the barista and senior chemistry major, Kelly Myer chimed in.

“Oh yeah, I think I took a class from that guy once. Mark Shawarma or something,” Myer said.

Schimpf reportedly shifted in discomfort at this mention, his backpack full of beakers and graduated cylinders clanking.

It would not be long before he had to give

“Chemistry is pretty cool.”

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Martin Schimpf, apparently the interim president/former chemistry teacher

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Taylor Humby | The Arbiter his order to the barista.

“Chemistry is pretty cool,” Schimpf said.

“Yeah,” Myer said. “Way cooler than that Mario Shrimp guy.”

Myer and Stevens both high-fived at this, reaching out their hands to Schimpf who reluctantly joined in the celebration.

When asked his name at the time of ordering, Schimpf gave a hushed answer of, “Bob.”

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NEWS

IT’S THE YEAR 3000

STUDENT MAKES SHOCKING DISCOVERY

Ximena Bustillo | Online Editor | online@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Ximena Bustillo | Online Editor | online@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Not much has changed, but Sawtooth is underwater

Because of Boise State’s easy admissions criteria,

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taff of the Sawtooth and Honors College residence hall have discovered that the past year of pipeline issues and floods have not been an accident all along. What was originally thought to be the result of rushed building turned into the newest technological feature to hit the university since the whiteboard walls in the Micron Business and Economics Building.

“As it turns out, the building is supposed to be flooded,” explained John Teller, Sawtooth’s building manager. “The building was supposed to tap into the most genuine feature of our great state: the waterways.”

This means that “Southfork” is more than just a clever pun but is also an accurate representation of what is happening in the floors above. This has even attracted the attention of the local Canadian goose herd.

According to Alice White, a sophomore resident, a goose family has even taken shelter in the space under her sink.

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Photo by Kyle Rennie

“One day, maintenance came into my suite to fix the plumbing. We were not warned about this, but now I see why,” White said. “The privacy of the family must be upheld.”

However, this is not the only rationale for the water features.

“We also requested this feature because many students cited needing a relaxing getaway in the mountains. Because water features induce relaxation, we figured this was the most comprehensive way to implement this,” said Kailey Renolds, construction manager.

Jack Rudden told The Arbitrary that although his computer and textbooks have water damage, his bike oxidized, and he has incurred permanent pneumonia and pruney skin, he does not regret his housing choice.

“I mean, if I am going to pay for the most, I deserve the interactive experience,” Rudden said. “And now that I think about it, I am more relaxed.”

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Boise State senior shocked to realize ASBSU exists

n March 28 Salomon Anderson was making his way through the Quad. This was a normal walk, one taken by hundreds of millions of students every day.

However, as Anderson reached the midway point, he discovered that there was something new.

“I am not one to stop in the Quad,” said a curious Anderson. “Usually I do my best, for my own safety, to dodge the food throwing, pie smashing and hot chocolate chugging. But this. This was different.”

Anderson continued to describe to an Arbitrary reporter the shock and curiousness that came about as he examined the tall, wide, big, blue, AND orange plywood.

“I chose to ignore it. Maybe I was seeing things,” Anderson said.

However, it did not stop there. The rest of the day, from posters, to Instagram stories, to t-shirts, the weird Blue and Orange symbol kept appearing. But this was no twilight zone. Anderson had discovered the Associated Students of Boise State University.

“I was quite shocked. I didn’t know what to think.

I just never knew that this could be a possibility. Students to represent students?”

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what my basic human and academic needs are. Like the need to eat food, or the need to buy cheaper textbooks, or the ability to fund my club. They’re my needs!”

Anderson explained that later, the giant plywood was gone from the Quad. He could never find it again. The symbol disappeared off of all the stories, after 24 hours of being posted.

“Perhaps, it was a dream,” Anderson said. “Maybe I was hallucinating.”

The Arbitrary decided to do a full-scale investigation to find out if this was a phenomenon experienced by others. Sally Hendricks, whose real name will remain anonymous, reached out to us via carrier goose to explain her own experience.

“I was once also walking down University Drive,” Hendricks wrote with longing and nostalgia. “When from around the corner I saw a large helmet. I thought ‘wow.’”

Hendricks continued to explain that the large helmet was actually not a helmet but a golf cart in the shape of the helmet. The future is now, she explained, and whatever organization that owns the golf cart is onto something.

“That was when I first came in contact with ASBSU. It was eye opening, but no one would believe me. I’d be like ‘Chuck!

There are Associated Students of Boise State University!’ and people would say things like ‘you’re crazy, Sally,’ ‘you don’t know what you are saying, Sally,’ ‘you are just a communication major, Sally,’ and ‘you drank too much of that Sawtooth water, Sally!’” Hendricks explained. “But I knew I was right this whole time.”

Salomon Anderson, student “I was quite shocked. I didn’t know what to think,” Anderson confessed. “I just never knew that this could be a possibility. Students to represent students? And I thought the administration would know

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NEWS

BOISE STATE TOO LENIENT TO REQUIRE BRIBERY, REPORT SAYS

The Idaho university’s admissions requirements are too easy for monetary persuasion Logan Potter | Culture Editor | news@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Because of Boise State’s easy admissions criteria, there is no need to bribe the university.

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n a groundbreaking report created by analysts Aunt Becky Katsopolis and Target’s Clothing Monopolist, it is now understood that the lack of bribery by the parents of potential Boise State students is not because of a lack of transparency, but simply because the university’s admission standards are too lenient for competitiveness.

“Have mercy on those who cannot get into Boise State University,” Katsopolis said. “But do not fear. If you try hard enough at taking fabricated crew photos and fine tuning your test scores for the small price of $500,000, you may just find yourself on the Dean’s List at USC.” Requiring only a 3.0 GPA for admission and accepting most Idaho students, Boise State ensured they were left out of the corruption circle when creating their guidelines for acceptance. The report confirmed what most Boise State students already know: the university is a backup plan for

“Have mercy on those who cannot get into Boise State University. But do not fear. If you try hard enough at taking fabricated crew photos and fine tuning your test scores for the small price of $500,000, you may just find yourself on the Dean’s List at USC.” Aunt Becky Katsopolis

students whose corrupt parents are arrested for bribery.

Kendra Smith, a freshman interdisciplinary studies major, described her admiration for Katsopolis and daughter Olivia Jade’s bravery throughout the scandal. Smith even cited her mantra, What Would Liv Do? (WWLD), as the reason she applied for Boise State in the first place.

“Honestly, it’s not even that much money,” Smith said. “Like, by Hollywood standards, Lori and Jade are living in socioeconomic distress. Who am I to decide who is and isn’t fortunate enough? I’m at Boise State because it’s the only place I could get into without taking the SAT, and I know it’s what Liv would do in her time of need.”

While Smith is focused on her dedication to the famous family in their time of crisis, the writers of the report have their minds elsewhere. Rather than simply confirming everyone’s previous thoughts

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Isabel Sarhad | The Arbiter

about Boise State, the Clothing Monopolist believes the report will serve as a guidebook of sorts to those who aren’t sure where their money should go.

“This isn’t just about the best schools in the nation,” Clothing Monopolist said.

“It’s about being confident that your bribe money is going to the right place. Why funnel it into an institution that won’t press charges against you for it? Make the most of your situation; that’s why we created the report.”

The news comes after a disturbing show of elitism between Hollywood’s wealthiest and some of the most competitive schools in the country, including the University of Southern California and Yale. Officials still aren’t sure why Boise State was considered a prime bribery suspect in relation to the above schools, or who thought the university was competitive to begin with.

Updates to follow.

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OPINION APRIL 2, 2019 | ARBITERONLINE.COM

FACEBOOK TROLL THINKS HE’S CHANGED MY MIND ON PERTINENT WORLD ISSUE

Local man believes that through the power of harassment, he’s beaten other users into submission Zach Hill | Opinion Editor | opinion@stumedia.boisestate.edu

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n the early hours of March 22, 2019, local man Nathan Anderson hopped onto Facebook ready to change the minds of anyone who dared oppose him.

“I just woke up feeling good, ya know?

I took some history courses from Khan Academy over the past couple months to supplement the massive amounts of Fox News I’ve been reading, so I just felt ready to take on anyone who thought they knew more than me,” Anderson said during an interview.

Anderson was quick to correct people’s assumptions about the border wall, climate change, cryptocurrency and the trade war, all in 15 minutes. Anderson went on to say that most of these people just “didn’t understand historical context” or were “reading into it too much.”

Anderson’s primary strategy of combating the misinformation he sees on Facebook and other social media platforms usually involves calling people names, ac-

“The world doesn’t seem to understand that you can’t trust ‘evidence’ or ‘sources’ because they’re all run by the deep state.”

Nathan Anderson, local man and Facebook commenter cusing them of engaging in inherent bias, explaining the overuse of the word “racist” in contemporary society, doxing people, and providing a severe lack of real evidence or information to show why his combat-

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An individual who has been attacked by local man’s Facebook harassment. ants are wrong.

“These people do the smallest things wrong, and it really just brings their arguments tumbling to the ground,” Anderson said. “Like you can’t just use the word racist to describe people who want an entire group of people of a specific ethnicity removed from the country, that just doesn’t make any sense! You see, racism is when someone says something like ‘white people can’t dance.’ They’re making fun of a specific thing about a race with malicious intent!”

Anderson noted that the burden of

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proving people wrong on Facebook was an obligation he was happy to fulfill.

Even when people call him out for not providing a single legitimate source for his refutation, Nathan stands strong against his so-called “haters.”

“The world doesn’t seem to understand that you can’t trust ‘evidence’ or ‘sources’ because they’re all run by the deep state,” Anderson said. “If all of these news sources are supposedly unbiased, how come they debunk every single theory I’ve ever had about the world? Explain that to me!”

Anderson seemed to believe at the time

Mackenzie Hudson | The Arbiter of this publication that he was changing minds about the world en masse, although couldn’t answer to the vast amount of people who were responding to his claims with studies conducted over the years, research that demonstrated simple causalities showing his links were wrong, and even just eyewitness accounts that showed Anderson had zero grasp on what facts were.

Anderson reportedly didn’t have a job at the time of this writing, and declined to comment on the matter during our interview.

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OPINION

STUDENTS’ WORLDVIEWS DRASTICALLY CHANGED BY UF COURSE Despite critiques of the course, some students have a more positive view David Collie | Culture Reporter | opinion@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Students have been intentionally failing UF 200 in order to retake the life-changing class.

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lthough the university foundations courses are sometimes critiqued for being superfluous wastes of time and money, one student found that her worldview was drastically altered from her time in the class.

Transfering from CWI during her junior year, Alice Benson had not previously been required to take a UF 200 course. After postponing taking it until her final semester, Benson had only acquired a measly 84 credits in classes exploring the complex workings of society.

“I had pushed off taking the class because I thought it would be pointless, but oh boy was I wrong,” Benson said. “I thought my hundreds of hours spent learning about society and its governing systems would have prepared me, but the content was so impactful that I will never see the world the same way again.”

Benson said she had wondered where she would be today if she had taken the class sooner, and she even debated inten-

“...I thought my hundreds of hours spent learning about society and its governing systems would have prepared me, but the content was so impactful that I will never see the world the same way again.”

Alice Benson, junior tionally failing the course so she would have the chance to take it again.

“I really wanted to take the course again, but I had just gotten accepted to this stupid UN internship,” Benson said. “If it

weren’t for that, I would love to stay here and learn about the complicated cultures and injustices in the world.”

Benson’s professor, Brie Stern, was not surprised by the impact the course had on his student, and said that he often witnesses students undergo similar experiences.

“I’d say that’s about the average reaction I see from students in the course,” Stern said. “We even had to put a first-aid kit in the room because of the repeated faintings from students receiving fundamental changes to their very perception of reality.”

Stern was aware of some of the critiques surrounding the courses, and remained firmly convicted that the courses remain a required part of the curriculum.

“I know some of the arguments against the course might sound reasonable, but I think people forget what the letters, “UF” stand for,” Stern said. “University foundations means that these courses are foundational – like the floor of a house – and that’s pretty important. I mean, you can’t

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Photo by Bailey Nellesen have a house without a floor, you know?”

Another perspective comes from senior computer science major Cade Casper, who shared his experience with the matter.

Although Casper had secured a job offer with Micron upon graduation, he received a failing grade in his UF 200 course and was delayed in receiving his degree.

“I was pretty bummed at first,” Casper said. “But after thinking about it again, I’m glad that it happened. Sure, missing out on the $70,000 starting salary sucks, but I can’t imagine being able to do a good job there without learning about homelessness in California.”

Due to some of the transformational stories given by students and professors, there were plans to expand the program to include required 300 and 400 level courses. These plans, however, might receive delay as the petition received only four signatures.

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Beef with geese

Ten non-lethal ways to deal with geese

Taylor Rico-Pekerol | News Reporter | news@stumedia.boisestate.edu

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he smell of fresh air and wet cement fills the air as the clouds begin to clear from a refreshing rain that has passed.

As one is enjoying the peace, a loud honk from who knows where can be heard, and like the world’s worst symphony, more honks are added.

The geese, the Canadian geese to be exact, are what some would say, the worst.

They have been informally written up for harassment, that some might call sexual, and honk-calling students on their way to classes. Not only do they have territorial issues that probably sprout from their need to be in groups, but the hissing is unnecessary.

“I was walking to class on Monday, which is bad to begin with, and then I had to deal with being screamed at by a two-foot scary version of a duck. I wear headphones but only because if I hear one more honk I will be tempted to drop kick the goose as far as I can,” said Kyle Bennett, sophomore psychology major.

Canadian geese seem to be an entity of their own, because although they fly south for the winter and come to warm wintered Idaho,they never leave. All year round people are dodging the poop on the sidewalks and watching behind their backs for a sudden attack.

When walking, people are cautioned to give a wide radius of space between goose and student. Even if one were to give a full three feet, there is always the chance to be aggressively stared at and judged for even dreaming of walking near them.

“Boise State boasts a friendly, inviting campus atmosphere from students and faculty, but they leave out the constant

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mental abuse from the geese,” said Grace Suick, freshman nursing major. “I was a happy-go-lucky type of person who loved the outdoors but now with the constant fear of being bullied, I’d rather just stay inside.”

fire. By screeching at the geese louder then they do, you can assert your dominance in a way that will make them back off. Along similar lines, they could possibly realize how annoying they are and will stop making noise forever. One can only hope.

“Boise State boasts a friendly, inviting campus atmosphere from students and faculty, but they leave out the constant mental abuse from the geese.”

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3) Slow car: Killing a goose is illegal under the The Federal Migratory Bird Treaty Act but if your car were to accidentally tap the bird, it would annoy it enough to go away. It could also educate it on crosswalks and hustling when it crosses the street.

Grace Suick, freshman nursing major This oppressive behavior has to be stopped for students to feel safe again.

Students need to be aware of the ways they can protect themselves against these assaults.

Here are the top 10 non-lethal ways to deal with Canadian geese: 1) Nerf Guns: By “staying strapped,” if the 20-pound bird starts to give you the wrong vibe, you can shoot off a couple rounds and they should get the point. Nerf guns come in many shapes and sizes from one-shot small handguns to the full-on Nerf Rival, which shoots small, ping-pongsized balls. I recommend the latter as to optimize surface area hit and accuracy.

2) Hissing/Honking: Fight fire with

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4) Ghillie suit: Ghillie suits are normally used for hunting to hide amongst the green foliage and not be seen by wildlife, but a better use would be to camouflage from the geese all together. Why worry about being seen by a goose when you can just creep through the bushes to get to class? Your sneak level will be elevated to 100 and the geese will never be the wiser.

5) Pots and pans: Although this may make a backpack 10 pounds heavier, it will be worth it to have the menacing birds back off. As soon as a goose is spotted, take the pots and pans out of their holders and bang them.

6) Coyote disguise: Canadian geese do not like coyotes –– whether they know if they are real or not. When you are walking past a flock of geese, pull out a coyote disguise and immediately be free to pass without harm.

7) Swan: Whether you have a pet swan or want to dress up as a swan, geese are not friendly with their much prettier cousins.

By giving them a reminder of their ugly look compared to the grace of a swan, you will make them sad, too sad to bother you.

8) Mylar Tape: Mylar tape can be used in various ways. Grab a long stick and put the tape on it and wave it around or get more creative and buy a hula hoop and make straps so it can be worn at all times to ward off the geese.

9) Gorilla Man: Every Monday, the “give-a-gorilla-a-hug” man stands in the Quad holding a sign asking for hugs. Have you ever seen a goose near him? No, that is because something about the hugs, perhaps it is the possibility of affection, geese do not like. So next time you are walking to class give the gorilla man a hug and go on your goose-free way.

10) Bread: It has become known to the public to not feed birds bread because it hurts their stomachs and irritates their digestive systems. By feeding the geese bread, they may not move out of your way but you will have the satisfaction of knowing their stomachs will be annoyed. Also, who enjoys bloating? I am sure the geese won’t appreciate it since breeding season is coming up, and they will not be able to find a mate to make more bird gremlins with.

These non-lethal ways to deal with a goose are not 100 percent foolproof but they will most likely get the job done.

If none of these options are working for you, try civil mediation and negotiations.

Pick your favorite option and stay safe, Broncos.

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1. Nerf Guns

6. Coyote disguise

2. Hissing/Honking

7. Swan

By screeching at the geese louder then they do, you can assert your dominance in a way that will make them back off.

By giving them a reminder of their ugly look compared to the grace of a swan, you will make them sad, too sad to bother you.

3. Slow car

8. Mylar Tape

If your car were to accidentally tap the bird, it would annoy it enough to go away.

Grab a long stick and put the tape on it and wave it around or get more creative and buy a hula hoop and make straps so it can be worn at all times to ward off the geese.

By “staying strapped,” if the 20-pound bird starts to give you the wrong vibe, you can shoot off a couple rounds and they should get the point.

When you are walking past a flock of geese, pull out a coyote disguise and immediately be free to pass without harm.

4. Ghillie suit

9. Gorilla man

Why worry about being seen by a goose when you can just creep through the bushes to get to class?

Something about the hugs, perhaps it is the possibility of affection, geese do not like. So next time you are walking to class give the gorilla man a hug and go on your goose-free way.

5. Pots and pans As soon as a goose is spotted, take the pots and pans out and bang them.

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10. Bread Who enjoys bloating? I am sure the geese won’t appreciate it since breeding season is coming up, and they will not be able to find a mate to make more bird gremlins with.

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KINDERGARTENERS LOST IN SUB GET ALL LORD OF THE FLIES-Y

After disappearing during a field trip, these children explore the human condition David Collie | Culture Reporter | culture@stumedia.boisestate.edu

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uring a routine visit to Boise State’s campus, a group of local kindergarteners has gone missing, and were last seen in the winding halls of the Student Union Building’s second floor. The line of children reportedly slipped away from their teacher, and have since gotten kind of… “Lord of the Flies”-y.

Kendra Richards, the kindergarten teacher who was explicitly put in charge to ensure this kind of thing didn’t happen, shared her concerns regarding two dozen children roaming free.

“The trip was just supposed to be a simple tour of the campus to get the kids moving around.

But now they’re going to be forever changed by learning of the fragility of justice and democracy in the face of man’s inherent evil and barbarity. I’m just worried about the chubby one with glasses.

Kendra Richards, kindergarten teacher

“The trip was just supposed be a simple tour of the campus to get the kids moving

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around,” Richards said. “But now they’re a complete anarchy in which we are ruled all going to be forever changed by learning by our innate, insatiable lust for power, it of the fragility of justice and democracy in seemed like an easy choice.” the face of man’s inherent evil and barbarThese concerns, however, were not ity. I’m just worried about the chubby one shared by all children in the group. Anwith glasses.” other child, Gregory Small explained that Richards also expressed concern for he had started advocating for the importhe future of her employment, explaining tance of gathering food. Despite Johnson’s that any field trip in which the children claims that they could easily be found and participate in deep, allegorical exploration rescued, Small recruited a sizeable chunk of government and the morality of human of the group and began raiding vending nature requires a special permission slip, machines around the SUB. which she didn’t think to send out.

“I’m not usually allowed to have candy The kindergarteners — despite facing at home, so this whole thing has actually critique for being a group of children that been pretty cool,” Small said. should not be in charge of choosing their The group of children was last sighted own lunch, let alone enacting and maintaining a functioning system of law and order — claim to have several points worth being proud of.

With no previous leadership experience of any sort, Tommy Johnson said he was the first to initiate a system of order, using a stuffed Buster Bronco doll as a symbol of power to gather the other children.

“I’ve never been in charge of a group like this,” Johnson said. “But when I realized that it was either this, or Children gather around and worship a stuffed Buster Bronco head.

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by freshman philosophy major, Shayla Gray, who said she was quietly studying on the second floor, when she heard a highpitched ritualistic chanting coming from one of the twisting hallways.

“At first I thought it was just another visiting high school, but then I saw the children,” Gray said. “It really made me think, you know? I’m just glad I live in a society that values science and reason, over power and animalistic tendencies.”

Though the children and the several rescue teams sent to find them have not yet been found, it is only a matter of time before they emerge, deeply changed by the profound realizations of the human condition.

Wyatt Wurtenberger | The Arbiter

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FORMER THEATRE STUDENT CAST ON “THE BACHELORETTE”

The Boise State grad is ecstatic for his career-making role Logan Potter | Culture Editor | culture@stumedia.boisestate.edu

ames Kiley was just six months old when he received his first role as the Gerber Baby’s understudy, and it was then that his love for theatre was born. As he grew up, Kiley found himself being cast in more serious roles, like Cool Kid #2 in the 2010 Target Back to School advertisement and the lead flying monkey in “The Wizard of Oz.” Confident that his career would bloom shortly after each role, Kiley became underwhelmed when he realized just how competitive the acting world is. Or, as he would now say, how competitive it was.

After a year of trying his hand at the Hollywood ropes, Kiley got his big break.

The theatre arts graduate has been cast as one of 30 eligible men on ABC’s “The Bachelorette,” edging out hundreds of other physically talented prospects. Kiley explained his emotions upon hearing the news himself.

“I can’t think of a more perfect opportunity.

There is truly no better role to showcase my acting abilities. I finally get to be somebody, you know?”

James Kiley, recent grad

“I can’t think of a more perfect opportunity,” Kiley said. “There is truly no better role to showcase my acting abilities. I finally get to be somebody, you know?”

Kiley may be proud of himself, but his mother, Danielle Gray, is worried that he’s settling for a job that isn’t at his level of ex-

A former Boise State student will get his big break on “The Bachelorette.” pertise. Recent college grads may undersell themselves in order to get a career-boosting position, but Gray thinks this problem is more than skin deep.

“This just isn’t the life I imagined for him,” Gray said. “I’m just so confused. His father is even more disappointed than I am. How is his girlfriend okay with this?”

This potentially relationship-ending discovery did not come lightly to Kiley’s family. Kiley’s girlfriend and senior psychology major, Shannon Underwood, was at first reluctant to share her story, but eventually described her frustration with her partner’s

Maddie Ceglecki | The Arbiter

“big break.”

“Really, I don’t know where I went wrong,” Underwood said. “But it isn’t the end of the world, I guess. Do you think that, if I create a big enough scene, I can become the next Bachelorette?”

It seems that Kiley’s opportunity may have opened doors for more than just himself, according to Underwood. However, Kiley intends to keep the spotlight on himself before, during and after his stint on the popular reality show.

“If I can win ‘The Bachelorette,’ I can do anything,” Kiley said. “Winning over

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one woman’s heart is the equivalent to taking over the world, even if I die trying to become a movie star. I remember this from my role as Romeo in a Boise State production of ‘Romeo and Juliet.’”

Boise State’s theatre arts department declined the opportunity to comment.

The stakes are high for Kiley’s social life, but maybe not as effective for his acting career. For those interested in knowing what’s next for the Boise State theatre grad, watching his journey is as simple as tuning into “The Bachelorette,” Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

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GRAD STUDENT MANAGES STRESS WITH MEDICALLY ADVANCED ESSENTIAL OILS

Student claims the holistic method is “the only way” Maddie Ceglecki | Guest Writer | culture@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Essential oils are unproven to provide immense medical benefits, including anxiety relief.

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hether it’s clinical depression, Parents and Family Weekend or the overwhelming trials of everyday life and college, students are determined to get ahead of their stress — fast. With the ever-increasing need to understand mental health and the capacities of handling it, more and more techniques that disregard medical and psychological advancements are becoming popularized.

College students, and their predisposition to believe anything they want, make for a perfect concoction of evoking the placebo effects from essential oils and other passing trends.

Boise State graduate student Sarah Patrick is one of these students who couldn’t just listen to her therapist anymore about facing her problems head-on.

“Fessing up to the fact that my stress

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“People kept telling me what to do with my stress.

I finally decided to make the change from dealing with my problems, to rubbing oil all over my body instead. It’s the best I could do to keep up on my own delusions.”

Sarah Patrick, graduate student

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was based around my self-destructive tendencies was too easy of a solution,” Patrick said. “People kept telling me what to do with my stress. I finally decided to make the change from dealing with my problems, to rubbing oil all over my body instead. It’s the best I could do to keep up my own delusions.”

Many others, like Patrick, have found creating a nearly unbearably aromatic environment has made their daily stressors much less obvious. They seem to be onto something, though. How could you think about a homework assignment being due when you are in a lavender and chamomile induced rejuvenation coma? There really is nothing like looking the other way in college.

“The benefits are endless and not to mention fast acting. Learning to deal with stress can be a long-term battle whereas

Kelly Sikkema | Unsplash different aroma profiles in my diffuser are fast acting. I can be inhaling my green tea, lemon, and cinnamon bark in just a few minutes,” Patrick reflected on while picking up and setting down items in her collection of crystals, tarot card, pendants and even what appeared to be a never-opened self-help book.

These advancements have led Patrick and many students like her to deal with their stress non-traditionally. Many are excited about the advancements in essential oils’ abilities to aid skin care, replace prescription medications and even cure cancer. That is, with little to no effectiveness and against medical advice. So it’s easy to see why they are becoming the standard of dealing with these ailments.

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OVERSHADOWED, AGAIN

C U LT U R E

CELEBRITIES ARE JUST LIKE US!

Middle child’s work unimportant after younger sibling gets job

They eat vegetables!

Zach Hill | Opinion Editor | opinion@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Logan Potter | Culture Editor | culture@stumedia.boisestate.edu

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Isabel Sarhad | The Arbiter

espite Melvin Burton’s best efforts this semester, his accomplishment of landing on the Dean’s List still wasn’t enough to overcome talk of his younger sibling, Danny, getting his first real job!

Even though Burton has been working long, hard hours at his internship, providing his time to the community for service projects and still managing to maintain impeccable grades, Danny will still be the talk of the town for this trip home for managing to meet the minimum qualifications to be employed at Johnny’s Fun Zone down the street from the Burton’s home.

Burton reportedly took a large credit load this semester, finding time to fit 19 science units into his already busy student schedule, and with plenty of tutoring and long nights spent stressing over his homework, he was able to snag a spot on his university’s Dean’s List.

“It felt really good when I got the email, but when I came home to tell my parents, they just didn’t seem that impressed. They sure were quick to go on and on about Danny getting that cashier job or whatever, so that’s cool,” Burton said during an interview.

He later went on to say that he remembers Johnny’s Fun Zone being a pretty dingy, gross place that “pays ok, but definitely isn’t worth the work,” and wondered how

Danny barely managed to get hired.

“I heard they were hesitant to even call him back for a second round of interviews.

I was actually surprised that a place like the Fun Zone even has a second round of interviews,” Burton continued, pondering how his parents could possibly place Danny on a pedestal despite his clear lack of engagement with the real world.

Burton also noted his disappointment with how his parents didn’t seem to notice that he’d been elected president of his university’s science society, citing his outstanding independent undergraduate research as a driving force behind his peers’ selection to let him serve in the highest position of their organization, which garnered about 50 people per meeting.

That all paled in comparison at dinner, where his parents discussed Danny’s ability to flounder around in an interview for 20 minutes, half-answer questions, and maintain absolutely zero ability to connect with the interviewer, yet still come out with a job that pays $8.50 an hour for 20 hours per week.

Burton was ready to go back to school at last sighting, claiming that he’d “had enough of this.” and “didn’t know why he came back, break was only a week long anyways.”

Danny declined to comment for an interview, claiming he “uh, has to go to work.”

A N N E H AT H AWAY

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t’s time to put away last season’s knock-off Gucci wallets and pick from the hefty mix of hand-medown Coach backpacks to get ready for the end of the semester.

Suiting up may be easy for us, but college student funds and lifestyles have little in comparison to the modern celebrity. Boise State students may find themselves wondering, “How do I create a life like that?”

Look no further, because little did we know, but celebrities are really just like us.

It’s not all handbags and brand deals for Hollywood’s most rich and famous, and it’s time that the smaller folk could relate to them on some level.

Just last week, an earth-shaking discovery was made: Anne Hathaway, the princess herself, is just like any other college student. She eats vegetables!

Carrots, peas and anything else you can name, Hathaway has tried it — in public.

Unlike other celebrities, who hide their food choices to the outside world and definitely don’t announce their veganism, Hathaway does what she needs to in order to support her fans.

“Honestly, I’m just really relatable,” Hathaway said. “I eat veggies, you eat veggies and we can totally relate. We love health.

Yay health! Also, check out ‘The Hustle’ in a theatre near you.”

Katy Perry threw the world for a loop when she told the world she showers.

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Perry stunned fans and others alike last weekend when she walked into her hotel balcony, adorned only in a hotel towel after a shower in her suite. For those who thought they knew Perry, they were really shaken to the core.

Perry commented on the matter to People Magazine just days after the incident.

“I’m not understanding the hype,” Perry said. “It’s not supernatural, or extraterrestrial. It’s just cleansing my soul of the haters, you know?”

Jonah Hill shocked us all with a surprise feature: armpits!

Funny guy, writer and director Hill really took fans through a roller coaster of emotions when he announced his possession of armpits in an emotional post on Tuesday. The photo, which appeared on the actor’s Instagram, featured a solemn-looking Hill glancing at what appears to be his own armpit in the mirror.

“I’ve hidden this part of me for far too long,” Hill wrote. “My fans have seen me through everything: my weight journey, my career and my personal life. It’s time they knew the whole me, and I have armpits.”

If there was any doubt before about the relatability of some of our fave celebs, it’s practically debunked by now. These stars may not be caught strolling through Boise State’s campus, but rest assured, because they’re living the same lives elsewhere.

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SPORTS & REC APRIL 2, 2019 | ARBITERONLINE.COM

LEARNING FROM THE BEST

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Jordan Erb | Editor-in-Chief | sports@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Logan Potter | Culture Editor | culture@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Men’s basketball team takes lessons from women’s team

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aiting patiently inside Taco Bell Arena, the Boise State men’s basketball team sat in anticipation of their next practice. The practice, a lastditch effort to help them start winning, was an unprecedented decision made by head coach Jason Price. After a string of devastating losses for the men’s team, Price decided to bring in a group that could teach his team how to actually play: the women’s basketball team.

According to Price, he was looking for a creative solution to his team’s problem: that they couldn’t stop losing. If there was one thing he knew for sure, he said, it was that the women’s team knew how to play far better than any of his players.

“After watching the women’s impressive season this year, I knew that we had a lot to learn,” Price said. “The way they play is far beyond our league, but I’m hoping that my guys can learn a thing or two.”

This year, the Boise State women’s team made it much further than the men in their conference tournaments, with a record of wins nearly triple that of the men’s.

Coached by Martin Cordell, the women’s basketball team have won two championships this season, including the out-right title and tournament title, compared to zero for the men.

“I think it’s really humble of coach Price to do this. It’s hard to admit that you’re not the big dog on campus – it takes a strong person to do that,” Cordell said.

“Anyway, I’m just excited to help them grow and develop as a team.”

Jamie LeDuff is a junior guard for the women’s team, and is eager to show the men how to play. It’s a bit awkward, LeDuff admitted, because a guy that she is seeing plays for the men’s basketball team.

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She is not sure how he will take it.

LeDuff’s beau’s name is Jason Bond, and according to him, he’ll take it just fine.

While many other men on the team have expressed concerns regarding the fragility of their masculinity, and how it might make them look, Bond said he is ready to learn.

“I think we just need to give credit where credit is due,” Bond said. “These girls play well, and there’s a lot to be learned from them. I think we can all just put the toxic masculinity aside and respect a team that is statistically far better than we are.”

“I think that we just need to give credit where credit is due. These girls play well, and there’s a lot to be learned from them. I think we can all just put the toxic masculinity aside and respect a team that is statistically far better than we are.”

Jason Bond, men’s basketball player guy

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Boise State golfers confused by low attendance rates

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olf is, according to the Boise State men’s team, an underrated sport. The scoring system is unlike any other mainstream game, and the fans at the professional level clap so fiercely in near silence that it’s deafening. In the midst of a riveting season, consisting only of hitting balls across long, green turf and tapping them into holes at the finish, the Boise State golf team is ready for something more when it comes to their fanbase on and off the university’s campus.

Struggling to find their place among Boise State athletics, the golf team is creating a call-to-action to keep an audience at their tournaments. Avid Boise State supporter, Tiger Woods, described his theory on the lack of tournament attendance from Bronco fans.

“There’s something to be said about the lack of word-of-mouth marketing,” Woods said. “Playing a little putt-putt to win a championship is just as exciting as making a three-pointer, but the sound of the clapping just doesn’t travel as far.”

While the exact science of sound behind Woods’ comment isn’t yet proven, the metaphorical truth remains. The golf team on campus is a Bronco team like any other, they simply struggle to attract the fans that sophomore player Shawn Frank believes they deserve.

Coming onto the team as a freshman, straight off a six-season high school win streak, Frank isn’t used to an empty sideline and more faint clapping than usual.

Frank not only believes that the golf team deserves respect, but that they deserve as many fans as Bronco football.

“There’s something rewarding about playing golf,” Frank said. “No matter how many times I tap that ball, there’s always

more course ahead of me to play, and that’s really exciting. Why wouldn’t a group of people want to follow me across the green?”

It’s safe to say that the golf team’s record is not subpar, with an average score of 91 on a par 72 course per golfer. Understanding the score isn’t necessary, because watching the golfers elegantly swing at small white objects is enough to be mesmerized.

This is according to senior golfer Ted Crowley, who described his experience on the team as memorable, but not without its flaws.

“Realistically speaking, there aren’t many people who are down to watch golf for hours,” Crowley said. “I wouldn’t even watch it myself if I didn’t play it for a scholarship.”

Regardless of the golf team’s record and scholarship gifts, the lack of support is a mystery that still remains unsolved.

“I don’t get it, man,” Frank said. “It was, like, one day, the clapping was there, and the next, it was gone.”

Isabel Everett | The Arbiter

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WHAT WE KNEW ALL ALONG

Students with blue backpacks actually part of clandestine cult

Jordan Erb | Editor-in-Chief | sports@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Mackenzie Hudson | The Arbiter

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n Saturday, March 23, Brian Smith stumbled upon a horrifying scene in his dorm – one that has long been suspected, but never confirmed. As he opened the door to his room, he walked into a clandestine meeting of an on-campus cult: the students with blue backpacks.

Unironically, they call themselves the Blue Backpacks.

For years, the claim has been that the blue backpacks symbolized participation in Boise State athletics. While this may still be true, it is now confirmed that the larger meaning of the blue backpacks is a cult of students who worship sports and their supreme leader, head football coach Bryce Larson.

“I walked into my dorm room one night to find my roommate standing in a circle with 10 other athletes, each wearing their blue backpack,” Smith said. “I stood in the doorway for a while, watching them hold hands and chant around a fire they had

started on the floor, until my roommate turned around and stared into the depths of my soul with the coldest glare –– I swear his eyes were all black.”

The cult is centered around a rigid hierarchical caste system, according to Lindsay McFarland, a participant in the cult. Those with ribbons or bows on their backpacks are known to be at the top of the hierarchy, and have control over the rest of the group. Moving in descending order, students are socially arranged by the GPA embroidered on their backpack: those with the highest GPA are just below students with bows, and the caste system moves downwards as GPA decreases.

McFarland, a cheerleader, has an orange and white bow on her backpack, marking her at the top of the hierarchy.

“The athletics gods just look upon me fondly, I guess. That’s what they told me when they recruited me, anyways” McFarland said. “That’s why I joined this group.

I seek only to pay respects to the supreme leader, Bryce Larson.”

Head coach Larson, according to McFarland, is the one who chooses who may join the cult. If a student is worthy, they are given a hefty “scholarship” and a backpack. The scholarship serves as payment for their souls, which they must give up to join.

Their actions go further than chanting and wearing symbols of dedication to the cult leader. An anonymous source, who was previously a member but has since dissociated themselves with the cult of the blue backpacks, claimed that the group has been known to sacrifice what they call “underlings,” or people who were not blessed with physical beauty and talent, to a fiery chasm within Taco Bell Arena.

“I’ve seen it happen,” the anonymous source said. “They lifted up this poor, weak kid –– probably a political science major –– and just dumped him into a fiery hole in the floor. I never saw him again.”

SPORTS & REC

MARCH MADNESS David Collie | Culture Reporter | sports@stumedia.boisestate.edu

Here are a bunch of March Madness predictions from a basketball newbie. If you want to know who will win the championship, then you have definitely come to the right place.

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f you’re still following March Madness, you’re probably ready for some expert predictions of who will take the W in the remaining games. Unfortunately, I was the only person available, and as the culture reporter, I’ve never seen a basketball game before. I’ll do my best, though, so let’s start with the semifinals.

Michigan vs Texas Tech: With no previous basketball knowledge, I figured the most logical start would be to look at each team’s mascot. They play too, right?

Anyway, other sports aficionados might know who Raider Red is, but I certainly wasn’t expecting Texas Tech’s mascot to be a gun-wielding Yosemite Sam. I mean, really? I’ve seen “300,” so Michigan State’s mascot, Sparty, has clearly got this one in the bag. Or should I say the net?

Virginia vs Auburn: If this was a competition to see which team was named after their university and not a hair color,

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Virginia would be unstoppable. Unfortunately for their mascot, Cavalier, Virginia is going to have to sink three-pointers like the Titanic to keep up with Auburn’s adorably named, Aubie. Sure, the claws seem like they would be an obstacle for throwing around a delicate, inflatable ball, but this guy is like Tony the Tiger’s fun uncle. Sorry, Virginia. It’s just not going to happen this year.

Michigan vs Auburn: Alright, both teams finally make it to Minneapolis. All of the Michigan players are playing with superhuman strength now that they don’t have to worry about lead poisoning from their water, and Auburn is just happy to let people know Alabama has basketball teams, too. Who’s going to win? This is the real deal, so we have to go bigger than mascots. Besides, Aubie would win too easily if that were the case. That said, the winner of the 2019 March Madness championship will be … Michigan State.

Why? I realized I had to go deep here, so I looked at both teams’ rosters and found that Auburn has a player named Samir Doughty which sounds awfully similar to self-doubty. You need to believe in yourself if you want to succeed, and if Doughty is out on the court, that’s 20 percent of the team struggling with negative self-image.

Alternatively, Michigan has a player named Kenny Goins, and he is Goins to win that championship on April 8. I rest my case.

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SPORTS & REC

BOISE STATE BASEBALL TO HAVE THE HOME-FIELD ADVANTAGE AFTER ALL

Broncos are now set to play on the empty lot where the stadium should have been Autum Robertson | Sports Reporter | sports@stumedia.boisestate.edu

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isions of blue turf in a new baseball stadium danced in the heads of Boise State’s fans and members of the Broncos’ Division I team for their first season since 1980. It’s now become apparent for everyone involved that the new on-campus stadium isn’t going to be built in time for the Broncos first season in 2020. Recently, the university announced that they have the team’s best interest at heart and want the Broncos to hold a home-field advantage. So, they will being be playing in the empty lot where the stadium would have been built.

“Well, when I first heard we weren’t going to be getting the stadium that was promised, I was a bit disappointed,” said head coach Jerry Van Horn. “But then I heard we would still get to play at home for our first season, and I couldn’t be more thrilled. I mean sure, it doesn’t have any amenities and there isn’t any seating for fans, but at least we’re playing at home.”

The original stadium plan would have cost Boise State millions of dollars, and the university wasn’t able to get the funding they needed to make this happen by 2020.

This would later turn out to be a blessing for the university, who quickly figured out a solution.

“To be completely honest, we never had the money figured out, so we were all a little panicked about where we were going to have this team, whom we recruited and promised a stadium, play,” said university president Marty Striker. “Then I thought ‘well shoot, the answers been in front of me all along, the empty lot!’ Now I can pocket the money and spend it on whatever I like.”

Additionally, Striker says that the practice of running on a twig-and debris-ridden lot will build up the players strength for running on a real field.

Of course, not everyone is being as optimistic as the president of the school and the head coach about playing in the

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Boise State’s baseball team will be playing on this field for their first season.

“Now I can pocket the money and spend it on whatever I like.”

Marty Striker, university president empty lot. Many players voiced that they are disappointed that their first season would be played mostly on the road and in a literal sandlot.

“I came here as a senior, and I regret everything,” said senior pitcher Camdan Spring. “We’re going to be the laughing stock of the Mountain West. I mean, I

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doubt the other teams will even show up for our games...My parents said they weren’t even going to watch, but coach told me he’ll be there so I guess that counts for something.”

Since the announcement was made, ticket holders and donors have been demanding their money back, saying they paid for a new stadium with blue turf and they’re not interested in sitting in the lot.

“We just don’t understand why everyone is so upset; we are giving these fans and players what they want, an on-campus place to play,” said athletic director Burt Apshey. “I understand that we said an on-campus stadium, but this is such a minor change. If these fans were real fans like they claimed, this wouldn’t mean anything.

I know our loyal fans will stay with us; let’s

Mackenzie Hudson | The Arbiter hope we have some of those.”

Even more significant backlash has arisen from the loss of the stadium. Nike and other sponsors have pulled out from their deals with the university, and the athletes will now have to buy their own equipment and uniforms.

“You’re probably wondering why we haven’t quit the team, and the answer isn’t because we’re a family and care about this university, it’s because the university president told us if we left we wouldn’t get offers from other schools,” Spring said.

“At this point, I may just quit baseball altogether.”

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OUR BEST GUESS By the time someone read that star, it was dead. Meaning your dreams are also dead.

CHECK YOUR WATCH , Aries, because it’s time to stop reading your horoscope and start living your life. The stars can’t save your relationship or your GPA.

LEO

JUL 23 - AUG 23

If these were accurate, wouldn’t they be considered a science by now?

Make your own decisions, Leo.

ARIES

MARCH 20 - APR 20

TAURUS

VIRGO

APR 20 - MAY 21 The stars aren’t going to excuse your lack of responsibility, Taurus.

GEMINI

AUG 23 - SEPT 23 Hopefully the end of the semester is going smoothly for you, Virgo, but this sentence isn’t going to alter the course of your life.

LIBRA

MAY 21 - JUN 21 I’m sure the sky appreciates your effort, Gemini, but that essay isn’t going to write itself. Really, not even if the constellations say so.

SEPT 23 - OCT 22 Libra, take our word for it when we say that you’re learning nothing by reading the stars. The stars cannot be read, they’re just energy balls with little purpose.

SCORPIO

CANCER

OCT 23 - NOV 21

JUN 21 - JULY 23 If you really want to predict something, finish a March Madness bracket, Cancer.

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“You’re such a Scorpio” doesn’t mean anything at all, Scorpio.

LAW SCHOOLS: EMPLOYMENT 2018-19

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 22

It’s truly admirable that you’re so headstrong and intelligent, Sagittarius, but reading your daily horoscope isn’t your smartest move this week.

CAPRICORN

DEC 22 - JAN 20

If you continue to seek the right path through astrology, Capricorn, the goose of life will chase you in a hypothetical parking lot of sadness.

AQUARIUS

JAN 20 - FEB 18

Please stop using your star sign as an excuse for your poor behavior, Aquarius. Drinking a venti Frappuccino a day is not a problem solved via horoscope.

PISCES

FEB 18 - MARCH 20 Take a breath and read a book this week, Pisces, because you’ll be saving a lot of time once you stop analyzing the placebo effects of the stars.

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Have you been personally victimized by a Boise State goose?

You’re not alone.

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