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Relationships in retirement
OCTOBER 2016
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PHOTO BY CHRIS MYERS
By Carol Sorgen We talk a lot about how retirement affects our finances. But do we talk about how retirement affects our relationships? Probably not as much as we should, says Baltimore life coach Barbara Harman. “Retirement brings a lot of emotional changes,” Harman said. “Some people are prepared for them, but most are not.” Recently retired psychiatric nurse Pamela Worthington, for example, is still waiting to feel as “ecstatic” as she expected she would once she retired. One thing she didn’t expect to feel was the loss of the easy relationships she had with her co-workers. “It was more organic [before],” the Towson resident said. “When we were on a break or passing each other in the halls, there was an opportunity for a quick conversation, even if only to say hi and ask what was new. Now I feel like I have to have a reason to call them.”
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Friendship transitions Friendships do change over time. We graduate from school, get married, have kids. All these passages bring changes to our relationships. The same holds true for retirement. According to a study by sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst of Utrecht University in the Netherlands, we lose about half our friends every seven years. The good news is that we usually do replace them. It just may take longer as we get older and lose the established structures — such as work — that provide ready opportunity and shared experiences in our lives. In the “Friendship Blog” (www.thefriendshipblog.com), friendship expert Irene S. Levine, Ph.D., notes that the workplace is often an important source of friendships (that’s especially true for women). Before you retire, she advises exploring whether any workplace friends are good prospects for remaining so once you no longer work together. Sharing activities — from golf, to Scrabble, to book clubs — is a good way to keep relationships intact, or form new ones, according to AARP. So is volunteering or taking a class. “And don’t fall prey to the myth that everyone already has their friends,” Levine said in her blog. “Many people are in the
Dale Springer has retired from two careers, while his wife, Maria, has worked from home for years. They say they’ve avoided some of the pitfalls that can plague retired couples by keeping up with their individual interests and activities, and giving each other space. Other relationships, such as friendships, may also need to be recalibrated in retirement.
same situation as you and would welcome a warm smile, hello, compliment or invitation to chat that says, ‘Let’s be friends.’” Lorraine Friedman retired last December from her job as an office manager in Timonium. Most of her friends are still working but, unlike Worthington, she finds she doesn’t see them any less. Perhaps that’s because they’ve always had to schedule their get-togethers around not just work, but marriage, children and grandchildren, hobbies and volunteer activities. “We all have things to do,” said Friedman, “but when we’re free, we get together.” Now living in Pennsylvania, Friedman said she doesn’t need more Baltimore friends, but admits she has made an effort to make new friends in Pennsylvania by
volunteering several times a week as a dog walker at the local SPCA. She also keeps busy with reading, knitting, sewing and gardening, and advised other new retirees to make sure they have enough hobbies and interests to fill their time and take the place of work. “Otherwise, you’ll be miserable,” she warned.
Renavigating relationships Marriages, of course, are also affected by retirement. “If one partner has retired before another, or one has always been a stay-at-home homemaker and parent, there can be a sense that the other person is encroaching upon his or See RELATIONSHIPS, page 5
L E I S U R E & T R AV E L
A tour of the extensive flora and fauna of Maine’s Acadia National Park; plus, the Caribbean’s spicy island of Grenada page 19 FITNESS & HEALTH k New dissolving stent k Early clues to dementia
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LAW & MONEY 15 k Coping with low interest rates k Protect yourself against scams ARTS & STYLE k Riveting All My Sons k Why join Senior Box Office?
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