The Cynic 39 Kieran's Satire 40 Marjorie's Musings

Odd behaviour.

I Just Love Fitness

Words and Photo Jay Houhlias

In this turbulent land of health and wellness we know as the East, it is critical you look the part. Eating raw liver, exercising and regularly injecting stuff into your butt are good places to start, but they pale in comparison to where the real work is done.

Now, not only can you track your exercise with Apple Watches and other fitness tracking devices, you can also share your exercise and fitness stats with other people! It’s terrific news for us consumers. We have spent too long in the dark ages, exercising ourselves to the bone while being silenced by injustice, not having a voice or platform, unable to express ourselves in a healthy way.

We can build digital communities around exercise to help commercialise something previously done as a mere personal practice for the betterment of one’s physical and mental health. These communities’ sole purpose will be to advocate for health and wellness, and anyone suspicious of their spectacularism and superficiality will be deemed as attacking health and wellness itself. These communities will be spearheaded by responsible, well-rounded and far-from-midlife-crisis individuals with no monetary motives behind their actions and no desire for a leadership role in a fitness cult.

The basic principle that underlies this great movement can be surmised like this: If there is one thing more important than exercise, it’s letting people know you’ve exercised. Fitness trackers possess the magical ability to force the exerciser, post exercise, to first let someone know they’ve done their physical activity, and second to divulge to others that little screen with all their numbers on it. It’s just not good enough these days to track your own progress because that is a feeble enterprise for losers only wanting personal fulfilment. Always remember, the community will be depending on you to share, so don’t disappoint. I don’t know about you, but there is nothing more riveting than seeing a picture of a map with squiggly lines over it, tracking exactly where someone has run or swam, knowing their heart rate, their splits and how many times they stopped for a toilet break.

Science conducted by fitness tracking device companies show significant atrophy if a fitness tracker is not involved. Muscular atrophy, yes, but mainly reputation atrophy. If no one knows what you’re doing, you aren’t really doing it, and you suck too. All facets of your life must be on display at all times, especially exercise related ones.

Imagine going for a half marathon run and then forgetting to track it. Was the pain worth it? Did your muscles actually get a workout? Did it even happen? You may think it did because you lived it, but where is the zest when you tell your peers what you’ve accomplished? You’ll find there is none. The whole process is quite meaningless unless it has been tracked and shared, much like that picture of you and your best friend where you look amazing and your friend looks like a goblin and you always try to convince them they look great so you can keep sharing the photo, all the while knowing the truth that you look amazing and your friend really does look like a goblin.

Don’t risk it, people. Take control of your health and wellness. Get yourself a fitness tracking device. Be disciplined, record everything, digitally share everything and, above all, always remember to tell everyone every time you do anything exercise related. Your health depends on it.

Oh, yes, and don’t forget to exercise too. That’s probably important as well.

"They're just playing."

Canine Carnivale

Satire Kieran Blake, kieranblakewriter.org Photo Al Sation

Dogs are more than pets. They’re companions, playmates and valued family members, and that’s why Eastern Suburbs councils have combined to create Sydney’s first Canine Carnivale. Canine Carnivale promises an eternity of inclusive family-friendly activities and endless tributes to our four-legged friends throughout the East. Keep an eye out for the following spectacular activities:

Best On Show

A fashion show with a twist. At Canine Carnivale, it is the puppy parents who take centre stage, strutting the catwalk in designer-label active wear, costly casual or Mr Business attire, with the following compulsory accoutrements: A Neckleash, designed for fashion not function (Neckleash is a registered trademark of Eastern Suburbs Canine Carnivale); an all-consuming smart phone or ear piece; a ruffle hem of doggy bags, which will never see the inside of a garbage bin; and, most importantly, an air of arrogance, condescension, entitlement and utter disregard for fellow citizens.

Doggy Deathmatch

The Sydney Football Stadium will be demolished, again, and rebuilt, again, but not for the next NSW state election. This time it will return as a Roman Colosseum to host Doggy Deathmatch. The region’s most vicious dogs will be unleashed in gruesome fights to the death, and the last beast standing will face off against Thor. Thor is the reincarnation of Jai Arrow’s beloved Staffordshire terrier. While under the care of fellow Rabbitoh Liam Knight, Thor ripped the fur off a mini schnauzer at Bronte Beach, and later mauled a greyhound to death on the NSW Central Coast. Thor is short-priced favourite for Doggy Deathmatch, so after demolishing the last canine, he will entertain fans in bouts against passing joggers, young children and Paul Gallen.

Wee Hours

The Wee Hours concert will take place on multiple random evenings throughout the year, and involves a suburb full of dogs barking ‘animandosi’ until the wee hours.

Mackenzies Madness

Pooch parents will attempt to set a new Guinness World Record for the most off-leash dogs crammed into a prohibited area with a fragile marine ecosystem. “This record simply must belong to the nation with the world’s highest rate of native mammal extinction,” stated event organisers.

Hotscotch

Another twist on a classic. Barefoot competitors must navigate their way through a football field full of dog poo and bindis before attempting to score a try with a punctured football covered in saliva. Canine Carnivale also includes informative workshops on trend forecasting and literacy. Learn how to raise a gender-neutral dog, where to find the best dog massages, and how to use phrases such as “he’s just playing” and “he won’t hurt you”.

Canine Carnivale runs until every open space in the entire Eastern Suburbs is rendered totally inaccessible to the general public.

Infrastructure under pressure.

Local Planning and Development - The Case for Change Is Clear

Words Dr Marjorie O’Neill, Member for Coogee Photo Agora Phobic

There is no doubt that we live in a beautiful place here in the East and have easy access to beaches and parks for leisure and for exercise. Yet, there is a great deal of community dissatisfaction with what locals see as excessive and inappropriate developments resulting in traffic congestion, scarce parking, a sense of crowding, sometimes ugly constructions, loss of heritage and the distinguishing traditional features of neighbourhoods, as well as pressure on local amenities.

Often our local councils are blamed for allowing what is viewed as overdevelopment and the resulting decline in amenity and the attractiveness of area. However, the NSW Liberal-National State Government has passed laws removing from local councillors the authority to determine most development applications (DAs).

Local planning panels (LPPs) consisting of an independent expert to chair the panel, two other experts and a local representative, decide on DAs, and it must be referred to by councils for advice on developments. LPPs make decisions on sensitive, complex and contentious DAs that come before councils, with council staff - not elected councillors - determining the more straightforward DAs.

The original stated rationale for these changes was to remove the potential for political corruption, to take the politics out of planning and to ensure expert decision-making. Interestingly, a number of members of planning panels across Greater Sydney are former politicians, and no doubt they believe they are doing their best in their respective roles, but has the objective of the LPPs been achieved, or has the community voice simply been silenced?

The NSW State Government is responsible for planning and development laws and there are important aspects of current planning and development processes that need to change. First and foremost, our community has a right to have its voice heard in matters impacting upon our environment. Elected councillors are expected to represent their communities and it makes little sense to assume that only elected staff - as opposed to appointed staff - might be ‘political’, hold particular biases or prejudices, or fall victim to lobbying or some form of corruption.

With appropriate checks and balances in place, local government councillors must have the chance to provide input into planning decisions impacting their communities.

It is also important that the community has complete confidence in the deliberations and decision-making of LPPs and that these are transparent and open. There is currently no requirement for a local planning panel to hold a public meeting to consider a planning proposal, and this needs to change. I also believe there should be increased community representation on these panels.

While complying development certificates are not considered by local planning panels, some complying developments are viewed as inappropriate eyesores, while some are simply badly built, resulting in damage to the physical balance and attractiveness of localities and their environments. Many residents here in the East want to see development regulations improved to take account of their environmental concerns including reduction in open green space, increased water runoff into gutters and impacts on local heritage and community amenity.

When considering development we must take into account our access to public open green space and public services, including schools, public transport, hospital beds, etc.

Fueling the need for more development in the East is the NSW State Government’s Greater Sydney Region Plan, which specifies that the Coogee electorate, already with the second highest population density in NSW, must grow its population at many times the rate applying in areas with much lower population densities. While Randwick is expected to grow its population by 0.47 per cent annually, Woollahra is set for 0.25 per cent growth, and the good burghers of Mosman 0.07 per cent.

The NSW Liberal-National Government is the architect of our current planning and development laws. Here in the East we are already densely populated and yet we are required to significantly grow our population without adequate investment in our infrastructure. Our public schools are at capacity and not adequately funded, and we desperately need a new co-educational high school. Our public transport services have been cut. There is a lack of investment in critical care services at our local health facilities, resulting in all time high wait times. Furthermore, future development currently doesn’t include the provision of affordable housing for essential workers.

When it comes to our development and planning systems in NSW, as seen here in the East and across our city and State more broadly, the case for change in 2023 is very clear.