The Beast - May 2019

BEAST The

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Welcome to the May 2019 Edition...

Words Dan & James Hutton, Publishers Welcome to the May 2019 edition of The Beast, the monthly magazine for Sydney’s Beaches of the East.

We’re very excited to bring you our cover interview with Coogee resident Tim Minchin this month. It’s been over five years in the making as his travel schedule is pretty hectic, but we found out where he lives and waited for him on his front lawn until he gave up and came out to talk to us (a slight embellishment but the idea had been floated). If you don’t like swearing, or you’re precious about God and religion, you should definitely read it.

In local news, Isabella Puentes reports on the scheduled works over winter to replace the seawall and mosaic artwork

6 The Beast May 2019

at North Bondi, and Dr Kerryn Phelps outlines her achievements since winning the Wentworth by-election and outlines her plans for her next term should she be returned to office. At the time of writing, Dr Phelps was the only candidate who had bothered to contact us, which shows just how far ahead of the pack the independent candidate is, especially considering that The Beast reaches way more people than any other local media organisation.

To round out the local news, Duncan Horscroft delivers the latest on the Bronte Cutting parking saga and Siriol Dafydd brings us up to date with the awesome work of local legends Mal Ward and Sophie Smith.

We hope you enjoy the read.

The Beast The Beast Pty Ltd ABN 32 143 796 801 www.thebeast.com.au Editors james@thebeast.com.au dan@thebeast.com.au Advertising Enquiries advertising@thebeast.com.au www.thebeast.com.au/ advertise Circulation 61,000 copies are delivered every month; 55,500 are placed in mailboxes and 5,500 in local shops.

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Letters To The Editor Please send your feedback to letters@thebeast.com.au and include your name and the suburb you live in.

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Belinda Clemesha Director 0418 415 260

CONTENTS Ma y 201 9 Issue 172

06 09 10 12 17 18 20 20

Welcome Note Contents Pearls of Wisdom Monthly Mailbag Beastpops Local Bloke Thumbs Up Dogs of the Month

22 34 35 36 52 53 54 56

Local News Calendar Local Tradies Interview Sporting Life Tide Chart Headnoise Unreliable Guide

Water baby, by Sebastian Elmaloglou, @intepic.

57 58 60 62 64 65 66 66

Enviro News Marjorie's Musings Local Photos Food & Wine Reviews Trivial Trivia Beardy From Hell Trivia Solutions

Well done, son.

All Quiet on the North Face Words Pearl Bullivant Photo Martin Brody With winter fast approaching it’s time for seasonal lifestyle tips from Pearl. I’m tempted to launch into a ‘toughen up princess’ rant, directed at all those who dare to don North Face puffer jackets and knee-high boots to light up their polluting wood heaters on a 16-degree day, but instead I’m opting to draw one’s urgent attention to a far more pressing but largely overlooked issue - parental behaviour at children’s winter sport.

Firstly, I must admit that I am more familiar with the parental shenanigans of the ‘genteel’ summer sports through my own involvement as an umpire and coach; the overzealous parents who know their children’s 10 The Beast May 2019

50-metre freestyle sprint record down to the nth of a second, the tiger-mums who insist their tiny four year-olds can be transformed into butterfly champions through intensive training.

I’m familiar with the blonde yummy mummy private school cricket set who goad coaches to make their sons bowl faster and the tennis parents who drill their darlings before each game and then argue with the umpire, ignoring the fact that their kiddies are in the lowest grade and going nowhere fast.

Beautiful parents, all of them, and - with the exception of the odd yummy mummy showdown over lesson timetabling - there’s barely a raised voice from their collagen-filled lips.

As for winter sports, it’s a sad state of affairs when my overall impression of children’s football can be summed up by two things: the ugly shouting I can hear from my apartment window and the lifestyle vehicles that get dumped across my driveway by North Face puffer jacket-clad women, laden with trays of lattés for their bored friends while their husbands are whipped up into a coronary frenzy on the sidelines. It can also be summed up by the father-son soccer match I once attended where a lawyer father took the game so seriously that his kit included shin-pad liners and his competitive play landed a child in hospital. Football parents (of all codes) are scary people.

Being the doyen of etiquette, I feel my advice to parents is warranted early in the winter season and I will start with the WA State Government’s initiative that has been promoted to corral the bad behaviour of its frontier citizens at children’s sporting matches. In WA, parents are instructed to be quiet on the sidelines and to acknowledge sporting prowess with nothing more than polite clapping, a bit like the ‘quiet carriages’ on Sydney trains, so it shouldn’t be hard to adopt in NSW. But Pearl is going one better: I’m suggesting that all games be live streamed to YouTube, allowing parents to scream without limitation in the climate-controlled comfort of their SUVs - it would be just like a retro drive-in. The marketing and gambling opportunities would be endless (appeasing the shock jocks alert to anything reeking of socialism) and it is an initiative I feel ‘Our Gladys’ would be eager to adopt since she is quite the Sporty Spice with her penchant for sports arenas.

“Pass the ball, darling...”

The Beast's Monthly Mailbag Words The People of the Eastern Suburbs SPONSORING GEORGE PELL The man who gave us the GST that helped make the rich richer and the poor poorer, who insisted on invading Iraq for no weapons of mass destruction, who broadcasted the 'children overboard' myth and who refused to say sorry to Australia’s indigenous people – John Howard – is also the man who wrote a glowing letter of reference for George Pell.

Cardinal Pell is a convicted sex offender (abc.net.au, February 27, 2019). John Howard said that the conviction of sex offender George Pell does not alter his opinion of the cardinal. Howard deserves the thumbs down as a Pell apologist (Thumbs, The Beast, April 2019).

John Howard, the long time leader of the Liberal Party, also wrote that George Pell has “an exemplary character”. Many people may find it hard to believe that sex offenders can have that. Undeterred, the former Liberal Party boss also calls the sex offender “sincere”. Synonyms to sincerity are honesty, truthfulness, integrity and trustworthiness. Many might think that one thing sex offenders hardly have is trustworthiness.

Some parents might not like to trust George Pell with their children, especially young boys. Reference writer Howard closes with the line that the

12 The Beast May 2019

sex offender dedicated his life to his nation and his church.

Pell might also have dedicated himself to young boys.

As a father of two school-aged children - a boy and a girl - I do not trust sex offenders like George Pell, I do not trust those who write letters sponsoring such sex offenders (Howard), and I do not even trust their beloved political parties (the Liberal Party).

Thomas The Mystery Man from Coogee THE SPOT FESTIVAL The Spot Festival - how good was it?!?! Music, food, good vibes galore. Sydney needs more of this, frankly. I'd like to see this as a monthly occurrence, bringing a bit of a Portobello Road or Camden Market vibe to Randwick. Boost the local economy every month, bring lots of people out into the streets, fun for young and old. I live close and I'd be there often.

More please, Randwick Council!

Andy Donaldson Coogee BRONTE CUTTING WALKWAY I just wanted to say cheers to Robert Sharpe for his insightful comments on the Bronte Cutting walkway in last month's Beast. My additional comments probably aren't so eloquent but I would like to add that the

general conversations that I have been having with the locals who I chat with regularly (I am currently Uber driving) is that it's ugly, ugly, ugly.

We have coped without such facilitation forever. Yes, there are more people doing the walk, but people aren't idiots... well, mostly. Just be careful. Surely there is another way that safety can prevail instead of this waste of money and vital space?

Deb Turney Clovelly PLEASE BEWARE If someone comes to your door offering to do some gardening or roofing or whatever, please do not invite them back. We had a man come to the door a week or so ago. He said that our vine was growing into our guttering and needed trimming. He would do it for $150. I told him I was a pensioner and so he said okay, he would make it $130 and be back the next day at 1pm.

He came back with a number of men, all dressed in yellow t-shirts. I paid him the $150 (no change given) and he climbed a ladder in the front of the house, then came back with photos of a nest in the gutter and damage to the roof. He said they could fix all that and it would cost me “five”. “$500?” I said. “No, $5,000,” he replied. So I told him that there was no way I could pay that could he give me a quote and I'd contact the insurance company.

Then another, younger man came in and told us that they were very busy (in other words, they couldn't wait for insurance).

My husband said it was a con and he got very angry. Finally they left. We had to get our usual plumber in to fix the damage they had done - tiles off, etc. This cost $430. The vine was not cut back.

These men were English. The first one I spoke to was short and tubby with dark hair. The young, aggressive one was younger, fair skin, a reddish complexion.

There was also a big, fat man

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wearing dark glasses and holding his hand across his face, who wandered into my office at some stage. He wasn't wearing the yellow uniform. Another man in uniform was thin with a beard.

I gave them my email address and asked for a quote to be sent.

Nothing arrived. I emailed my neighbour, who is in the police force, and she told me to contact the police straight away. They paid us a visit the next day. I put the information on Facebook and was told that these people are doing this all over Sydney usually English or Irish men.

My cousin in England told me that it is rife there. I knew nothing of this and so am writing this to you in the hope that people reading it will be on guard, especially old people who would easily be prey to this scam. Love your magazine - especially Pearl.

Julie Edwards Bondi Junction ONE PERSON'S CRAP IS ANOTHER'S TREASURE Hello The Beast - I was reading the Monthly Mailbag from your April Edition and I saw the first letter, 'Rubbish Rummaging - Illegal or Just Gross?' Well, I can tell the anonymous writer that, for some, rummaging through people's recycling bin on a council strip is perfectly fine and legal. As each container, can or bottle can earn 10 cents for the recipient, whomever is doing it either needs to do it for the cash or for some other artistic reason.

As for the legalities, the council bins are the property of the said council. Once you put the bin onto the nature strip anyone can rummage through it or even add to what is inside the bin. It's the same for when people dump items on the footpath or nature strip - they are anyone's for the taking - and also for anyone that dumps items in front of St Vinnies on the council footpath. It isn't stealing.

So, as this writer has an issue with people rummaging through

14 The Beast May 2019

their garbage on the nature strip, the council cannot actually do anything about it. It would be different if someone was going onto your own property to rummage, which is obviously illegal.

Anastasia Beaverton Clovelly NO VOTES IN POO For those of us who live by the beaches, in Gladys’ great rush to create infrastructure for the state there is one project that is obviously missing: the one that deals with the ever increasing number of bottoms in this city.

The effluent overflowing into the seas and polluting our beaches is not reported, even if it is monitored. The offshore outflows are now old and built to handle a much smaller population. Our original sewers were built in the 1800s, so when is the government going to fix the problem and build new sewage processing plants and increase the sewers in size so they don’t overflow when Sydney gets rain events like yesterday? Why should we swim in crap, Gladys?

Margie Coogee SHOP LOCAL I went into my local (nonfranchise) convenience store in the Eastern Suburbs to buy a newspaper recently. The owner was thinking of closing after nine years. He didn’t look happy. He sold milk as cheaply as possible but couldn’t match the $1 a litre milk at Coles, had already stopped selling bread, nobody bought newspapers any more (except me), snacks were sitting on the shelves... Down the road, several shopfronts are for rent and other shops look similarly empty, except for hair and beauty shops and cafes.

10 to 15 years ago there was a thriving shopping strip selling furniture, antiques, homewares, musical instruments, jewellery, kids' clothes, kitchens, books, vintage collectables, art and

even a children's book shop.

There were also specialty cake shops, butchers, several bakers, specialty bread and fruit and vegetable stores. Despite a significant increase in the local population most of these have gone. No doubt lease increases are partly to blame, online shopping has taken over and tastes have changed as the area has gentrified.

But there are still lots of reasons to shop local: saving money on petrol and vehicle costs, as well as the reduction in pollution and easing of traffic congestion for a start; it can cost less in the long-run to buy food when needed instead of buying cheap bulk food and throwing half of it away; more money stays in the community; local business owners donate more to local charities; there’s a friendly face at the local shop that contributes to a sense of community; and buying locally encourages more consumer choice.

Council could also do more to support local shops. Pop-up parks, more (and improved) street furniture, shade trees, marketing of local shopping areas, more pedestrian crossings and regular street fairs (not just at Coogee) come to mind. Hopefully more people might walk down the street soon instead of driving to Westfield.

Tania Coogee RESPONSE TO LETTER FROM ANTHONY BOSCH Anthony Bosch (Letters, The Beast, April 2019) needs to do better research before he presumes to “highlight” my “history”. I am the convenor of the Bondi Beach Precinct, as well as a committee member of Rescue Bondi, which is a residents' platform. Both of these organisations are apolitical and are open to all residents, regardless of their political leanings, to voice their concerns and lodge objections whenever their resi-

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dential amenity is under threat.

The precinct is supported by Waverley Council who distribute any motions passed at meetings to the relevant departments.

The New Year's Eve concert at Bondi Beach had a huge impact on residents and visitors to the beach. The ugly fencing that went up weeks before, the excessively loud music - which initially continued until 3am and the drunken and drugged anti-social behaviour resulting in people urinating and vomiting in the entrances and gardens of unit blocks and private dwellings was not supported by the majority of the residents who were most affected.

With the ice rink, we were against it being on the beach.

The move to the pavilion was eminently sensible. Our objection to the beach placement was supported by the power having to be turned off when the tide dangerously reached the structure, plus the loss to local businesses due to the ice rink providing its own alcohol and food.

Rather than being against licensed venues, I actually work with small bars and restaurants, owners and managers, licencing police, council staff and residents to get a good outcome for everyone. And we objected to the BWS being open 24 hours a day.

I hope this sets it all straight, Anthony.

Lenore Kulakauskas Bondi Beach ORGANIC IS THE WAY TO GO Hello (again) - I was also interested in what Anthony Bosch had to say in his letter, 'LK and the Organics' in the April edition of The Beast. Some of his letter was interesting, but I was fascinated with his organics stance with Waverley Public School and their pro-organic ideas.

Organic food is produced without the use of conventional pesticides, although they may use something with a natural base as a pesticide. GMOs are

16 The Beast May 2019

something that the jury may be out on, but modifying food genetically is something that may be damaging. The actual studies are inconclusive, but one doesn't have to be a scientist to know that GMO corn, soy, canola and wheat may be damaging the animal kingdom. For example, in the United States, where GMO products are created, the bees are dying.

I am an advocate for organic food as I feel it is better nutritionally. Organic chicken is much lighter in taste. Not everything has to be organic, but with high incidences of cancers in the world, and conventional chemicals not helping the human body as we ingest them, wouldn't organic be a better option? Educating children about organics and even the environment is a great thing to do.

Anastasia Beaverton Clovelly COUNCIL IS NOT THE ELECTORAL COMMISSION Dear Beast - I have a funny tale to tell. The setting is the council chambers, the administrative centre of local government areas.

We have people in the queue waiting for payments, lodgements and that sort of thing. The next person in the line goes up to the customer service person.

They say, “I am here to vote.�

That used to be me - the customer service person. I would look perplexed and guide them outside and around the corner or nearby, to where there would be people with placards, signs and how to vote cards - even people wearing special t-shirts.

Where I was working (inside the building), it was devoid of anything to do with an election of any kind, so I'm not sure exactly where they were going to vote. All I had available were tables and chairs. I am talking about the state and federal elections, and its pre-polling. I would get a lot of walk-ins and even phone calls about where

people should vote, or whether their details on the electoral roll were up to date. I worked for the council, not the New South Wales or Federal Electoral Commission, I would say.

It seems it has happened again. I have friends that work at some councils in the Eastern Suburbs and they tell me that they got calls about voting where they should vote, whether their details were up to date on the electoral roll and what they should do if they can't be there on election day. This was for March's New South Wales election.

Council may allow the hiring of the halls for an election, but has nothing to do with the said election. With the federal election coming up, hopefully councils are not bombarded with people calling up or coming into council to vote. Because if they are, they don't need to vote - they need to get their heads examined.

Anna Cook Canberra IF IT'S NOT ON... IT'S NOT ON! Hello The Beast - I am not sure if this is a letter or an editorial.

Anyway, here we go...

There is a drug on the market, through prescription, that is a preventative for HIV. It is called PrEP (Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis). It is taken daily for people who do not have HIV, to protect themselves from getting it. I work at a sexual health clinic and we have seen a complication with this drug. Many who take the drug are a wide range. Many are gay and bisexual men, but some are even men and women who are heterosexual. However, it is mostly taken by gay and bisexual men. It seems like the miracle pill to avert another HIV/AIDS crisis that began in the mid ‘80s in Australia.

So what is the problem? Many have taken the pill, but there are an unlucky few that have still acquired HIV. Also, like any

pharmaceutical, there are always side effects, and as it is a newish drug we still don't know all the side effects. The general ones are diarrhoea, liver and kidney malfunctions, and even nausea and dizziness. But the main issue is the increase of other STIs. Cases of syphilis and gonorrhea are on the rise and are not always 100 per cent curable due to the way superbugs are now present. People who have unprotected anal sex and are on PrEP are also increasing the chances of getting syphilis and gonorrhea. I have many friends using Grindr and Tinder and have observed that many are interested in hooking up unprotected, as the willing participants point out that they are on PrEP. I think we need to still educate the masses about safe sex. Unfortunately - and I see it in the clinic I work in - it isn't getting through because of this drug.

We don't want to see, in a year or so, people that can not be treated for STIs due to superbugs, where high level antibiotics would be needed but could be more harmful on the body. I would recommend condoms still for people that are more sexually adventurous - it may just save your life.

Colin Beecroft Coogee THANKS PEARL Thanks pearl for the welcome words in your article last month (Under the Influence, The Beast April 2019). I feel like I’m drowning in constant self-absorbed social influencers who mask their greed with likes and follows.

Your article has given me a little pep up! Have a great week.

Rob Randwick PEARL UNDER THE INFLUENCE I’m 100 per cent on board with Pearl starting an Instagram page to share standard social courtesies to the ignorant masses.

Zoe Bondi Beach

What's been annoying the shit out of you lately?

Interviews and Pictures Stiffy McPherson

Dana RANDWICK People whinging that they are cold when they’ve just finished whinging all summer about being hot and sweaty.

Complaining about the weather is uncalled for when you live in a climate like we do here in Sydney. I grew up in a ski resort in the Austrian Alps; I can’t imaging how some of these people would go over there. If you’re cold, put some clothes on.

Mike QUEENS PARK People who claim to have medical issues with food and drink but have no scientific basis or knowledge behind their claims. Their requests are so ridiculous and include things such as, “Do you have a gluten-free toaster?”

And people who have been diagnosed as Coeliac by their herbalist; you need a biopsy of your duodenum to diagnose Coeliac disease.

Guy BONDI People walking around with their heads so far in their phones they can’t even see where they’re going. They miss out on what’s good in life while they’re trying to find it in technology. People go to Icebergs, take a photo and leave without even going for a swim. We’re so obsessed with social media; I understand its place in the world but it’s not everything.

May 2019 The Beast 17

Do you have a favourite sporting team? Go the Roosters!

What music are you into at the moment? Always Van Morrison, Willie Nelson, Norah Jones, Buena Vista Social Club and more recently Daniel Castro.

Who is your favourite person?

Do I have to pick one? My kids, my partner, my grandson - I’ve a close family and too many good friends to pick just one.

My mother would say she is!

Not sweating the small stuff.

Local Bloke...

John Dicks from Bondi Beach Interview Dan Hutton Photo James Hutton Bondi’s John Dicks, Headmaster of Coogee Boys’ Preparatory School, recently escaped the Bondi bubble and made his way down the coast to lovely La Perouse. He shares his local favourites with The Beast…

How long have you lived here?

After years living at Bondi Beach, we decided to make the move out of what my kids refer to as the ‘Bondi bubble’. About ten months ago we packed up and moved to La Perouse. I still find myself at Bondi every other weekend and most afternoons after work for a swim or surf.

Why do you live here? While I will always call Bondi home, I wanted to be by the ocean and still be able to park out the front of my house. La Perouse is a beautiful part of the world and I can walk out my front door to the ocean.

What's your favourite beach?

I’m a Bondi guy at heart. Life’s always revolved around surfing 18 The Beast May 2019

and hanging out at the beach.

Now, if the surf isn’t working I grab my paddle board and head to La Perouse or Rose Bay. What's your favourite eatery?

The Italian on O’Brien Street in Bondi. It’s good hearty Italian food and excellent customer service in a relaxed setting. Paul and Mary know their regulars by name and always have time to greet you with a smile.

Where do you like to have a drink? If we are out with the kids, I can’t go past a cocktail at China Diner. When I’m at home it’s a Corona on the balcony.

Best thing about the Eastern Suburbs? It’s home. My kids were raised here. My family lives here. You can’t beat the Eastern Suburbs lifestyle.

Worst thing about the Eastern Suburbs? At the risk of sounding like a grumpy old man, the summer traffic is ridiculous and the parking is even worse.

What do you get up to on the weekends? If we are staying in Sydney, you will either find me paddle boarding at La Perouse or grabbing a surf at Bondi Beach. I’m the President of the Bondi Longboard Club, so one Sunday a month on comp day, you will find me at the Bondi carpark from about 7.00am judging and competing.

What do you do for work? I’m the Headmaster of Coogee Boys’ Preparatory School in Randwick.

I’ve been there for 23 years.

What's your favourite thing about work? The dedicated and brilliant staff I work with and the wonderful students who walk through the door each day. It’s only a small school, where each teacher knows every student. The school is moving into its 105th year and I’m proud to be a part of that history.

Do you have a favourite quote?

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? Working hard towards something you are passionate about is incredibly fulfilling. Now that I’m older and a little wiser, I can’t tell you enough how important it is to maintain a sound work/ life balance and look closely at what is really important to you.

COOGEE BOYS’ PREPARATORY SCHOOL Our Mission

For over a 100 years, Coogee Boys’ Preparatory School has taken great pride in knowing that it offers a truly authentic and inclusive primary education for all students from Kindergarten to Year 6. We provide an inclusive all-round boys’ education under our motto of Gentleman Scholar Sportsman, and are recognised as a leading fully independent boys’ primary school, in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney.

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May 2019 The Beast 19

OTIS Age 10 years Sex Male Breed Jack Russell X Pug Weight 8.6kg Otis is a friendly, easygoing little fellow. He is easy to handle and doesn't mind being picked up and he is great with kids of all ages. He especially loves squeaky toys and balls. He loves his food and is happy to be left alone for longer periods.

Otis comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free and microchipped. Also included for the love and wellbeing of Otis is a free health and wellness voucher with the Doggie Rescue vet. For more details, please call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, or email monika@doggierescue.com.

Bloody awesome.

THUMBS UP AFLW Pulling a Grand Final crowd of 53,000 is bloody incredible for any sport, let alone a fledgling competition that’s only been running for three years.

BLUEY Get your young ‘uns into this homegrown cartoon if you don’t want them to grow up speaking with American accents.

ST MARY'S CHILD CARE CENTRE Hands down the best long day care centre in the Eastern Suburbs, possibly the world.

POLITICAL ARGUMENTS With one election done and another just around the corner, there’s never been a better time to drive a wedge between your family and friends.

THUMBS DOWN DOG BAITERS Some idiot has been baiting Schmackos with fish hooks and sprinkling them along the boardwalk around the Coogee Dog Park, so be sure to keep a protective eye on your pooches.

QUACKERY Paying hundreds of dollars to have some nutter put a metal ring on your head and tell you how tired you are is mindblowingly stupid. Go and see a doctor.

GAMBLING A low industry that takes from those who can least afford it to line the pockets of morally void, tax-dodging multinationals.

20 The Beast May 2019

EROS Age 9 weeks Sex Male Breed Medium X Weight 5kg Eros and his siblings were brought in after being found at the local tip. He's a happy, playful pup who has had good parasite control and is enjoying his meals and puppy milk. Eros would suit someone working from home with a garden for him to play in. He comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free and microchipped. Also included for the love and wellbeing of Eros is a free health and wellness voucher with the Doggie Rescue vet.

For more details, please call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, or email monika@doggierescue.com.

MARTINI Age 9 months Sex Female Breed Staffy X Lab Weight 15kg Martini is a happy, bouncy girl who is affectionate with people and social with other dogs. She is very puppyish in her manner and would suit a family with a garden that don't work long hours, which rules out everyone in Sydney. Martini comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free and microchipped. Also included for the love and wellbeing of Martini is a free health and wellness voucher with the Doggie Rescue vet. For more details, please call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, or email monika@doggierescue.com.

SPECIAL EVENT Q&A with Australian director of ‘That Sugar Film’ Damon Gameau

Thursday 16 May 6.30pm The Ritz Cinema

BOOK NOW! Book tickets at ritzcinema.com.au

1300 722 542 randwick.nsw.gov.au

Waverley Council will be replacing the seawall and mosaic this winter.

A New Era for Bondi’s Mosaic Artwork Words Isabella Puentes Photo Dean Kelemen It was 1986 when Bondi locals came together to create the mosaic mural that lines the northern end of the beach. Each tile and gem was handpicked by local children and their families, ceramics were made in school art rooms, and the mirror fragments were carefully placed to catch the afternoon light at Bondi’s golden hour.

Armed with tools, paint and brushes, spotlights and a strong sense of community, volunteers built the artwork which to this day remains an iconic part of the Bondi Beach landscape.

Due to identified concrete cancer and damages to the drainage system under the promenade, Waverley Council will be replacing the seawall and mosaic artwork for safety purposes this winter. The replacement of the wall is a part of the North Bondi Asset Renewal Project which will also see to the replacement of the children’s pool pump and access ramp, staircases to the promenade, and lighting and handrails.

Waverley Council’s spokesperson said the council will work with conservationists to 22 The Beast May 2019

“salvage and re-instate” the artwork where possible. It was added, “We understand how important the mosaic is to the community, and the new mosaic will be a refreshed version of its current look.”

Public art artist Peter Day expressed the importance of councils working with communities and recognising the history of public artworks when creating or renewing new projects.

“Councils seem to have a better understanding of communities than any other forms of government,” Mr Day said. “It’s the important part of people having ideas manifest, because very often people never have the option to have a say in their community.”

With over 30 years of experience in public art, Mr Day explained the intangible benefits of public artworks.

“It builds communities,” said Mr Day. “Not only do people get to know each other, there is a self-esteem value attached to the art because they participated.”

Lloyd Kelemen is a mosaic artist and was the original project officer of the artwork. Mr Kele-

men, alongside a team of council members, artist Suzanne Holman, and over 150 volunteers constructed the mosaic mural.

“It really was a one-off artwork experience,” said Mr Kelemen. “This was a real hey-day of community movement.”

Recycled materials such as factory waste tiles were collected and used as part of the artwork and, despite its precarious position at the mercy of Bondi’s waves, the mosaic is in sound condition.

The community’s reaction to the renewal works of the seawall has demonstrated the importance of the artwork to Bondi’s community. Bondi resident Emily Contador-Kelsall commented on the importance of Bondi’s art culture.

“It’s a great mosaic wall that has been a part of Bondi for a long time so hopefully something just as iconic will take its place.

It’s great having different spaces for art in the area,” she said.

“We’re grateful for Council’s commitment to renewing the community mosaic and look forward to seeing the refreshed artwork,” said Mr Kelemen.

An independent voice.

A Message From Our Local Member Words Dr Kerryn Phelps Photo Alex Michael Last October, voters in the Wentworth by-election decided that they wanted to be a force for change and demand politics done differently. They were sick of the revolving door of leadership, sick of petty internal party games, sick of jobs for mates and sick of political decisions being controlled by vested interests. That is why you voted for an independent.

That is why you voted for me.

I have only been in parliament for a short time but I am proud of my record and what we have achieved. I have forged positive collaborative relationships with my crossbench colleagues and I have operated in Canberra with conviction and integrity, and a belief that individuals can improve the national political conversation. I have delivered on my promises.

During the by-election two of my key policies were providing more humane treatment to asylum seekers and getting kids off Nauru. I am proud to say that as a direct result of pursuing these issues, all children and their families have now been removed from indefinite detention on Nauru. This was a big win for Wentworth and for Australia.

24 The Beast May 2019

The Medevac legislation is a second important win and an example of the collaborative efforts of the crossbench to refine policy and deliver results. The new rules mean we now have a codified method for treating very sick people under Australia’s care in offshore detention that puts more of the decisionmaking in the hands of doctors, not bureaucrats. Despite what you might have read, border security is not compromised by the new rules as the minister still retains oversight.

This is only a start, there is much more to do. We need strong action on climate change, including a shift away from coal towards a clean energy future. We also need a national set of environment laws, a dramatic reduction of ocean plastics and air quality monitoring in our electorate to make sure we stay healthy.

I strongly believe that a National Integrity and AntiCorruption Commission with broad jurisdiction and strong investigative powers is needed to restore faith in our politics.

There have been a number of scandals that have undermined our trust in national institutions

and our elected representatives.

This includes - but is not limited to - over one million dead fish as a result of the gross mismanagement of the Murray-Darling River Basin, as well as the Paladin scandal that saw $423 million of taxpayers’ money awarded to a small company run out of an abandoned shack on Kangaroo Island to deliver security and services to offshore detention facilities on Manus Island.

At a time of great prosperity in Australia, the arts, culture and the ABC are forgotten.

Many in the Liberal Party want to sell off the ABC and I find that ideologically-driven position to be unconscionable.

I am continuing to work hard for a second high school in Wentworth. Our wonderful primary schools are increasing their enrolments year on year but our one and only public high school, Rose Bay Secondary College, is full.

We also need to improve public transport, particularly the bus service from Bondi to Coogee that only runs on weekends in summer. Many residents are worried about overdevelopment and spot re-zoning and we need to keep on top of that as well.

Finally, a message to the nearly 20 per cent of people in Wentworth who didn't vote in the recent by-election: please get out there and exercise your democratic right to vote because every vote counts in what is likely to be a very close race. Our shared future is on the line.

Wentworth is a unique and proud electorate. Historically we are recognised as thought leaders and drivers of change. We think largely outside the square and that is what I want to nurture and inspire, because this is the kind of thinking we need in order to create a better future for all of us - locally, nationally and globally. The Wentworth electorate is a leader - not a follower - and our new political independence strengthens our ability to be better, together.

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Bits and Pieces from Around the Beaches Words Dan Hutton Photo Yana Hanna THE GREAT MIGRATION The eels that inhabit Centennial Park’s ponds are about to embark on an epic 2,000 kilometre journey to return to their place of birth in New Caledonia to breed. During autumn, when there is increased rainfall along our east coast, mature eels migrate to the sea and swim to their spawning grounds in New Caledonia, travelling through ponds, golf courses and storm drains along the way. The eggs go through various transformations as they drift back to Centennial Parklands during winter and spring as part of their circle of life. We’d heard of eels taking Ubers to Newcastle for a root but this takes it to a whole new level.

PENSIONER REBATE INCREASE Randwick City’s pensioner rates rebate will increase by $25 to $350 per year from July 1, should Council’s Environmental Levy continue. Council made the decision to increase the rebate at its Council Meeting on March 26 to help offset rising costs and the impact of continuing Council’s Environmental Levy for another five years. The Environmental Levy has been in place since 2004 and costs the average ratepayer $91.49 per year. The In-

Lauren & Byron's special day.

dependent Pricing & Regulatory Tribunal is currently considering Council’s application to continue the levy and is expected to make a decision in May. FIGHT CANCER WITH FITNESS Do you get the early morning ‘yeah-nah’s’ and want to stay in bed rather than train? Imagine training through chemotherapy, surgery and radiation. Local lass Siobhan O’Toole did just that and now she has turned her energy toward fundraising to make free fitness available to all cancer patients. You can read more at www.ladysko.org/uplift or donate by visiting www.supportstvincents.com.au/ways-to-give/ donate and selecting ‘Cancer Exercise Trial’ in the ‘My donation is for’ box. All donations over $2 are tax deductible.

'MY MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS' RACES IRONMAN 30 year-old Tamarama resident and BRAT (Bondi Running And Triathlon club) member Nick was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis three years ago and has been enduring the physical and mental symptoms caused by the disease ever since. Despite all the challenges that this represents, Nick has decided to compete

in the Cairns Ironman (3.8km swim, 180km ride and 42km run) in June this year to raise awareness and give hope. If you would like to follow his journey, please visit www.mymsracesironman.home.blog.

HELEN'S IN THE HOUSE Local Coogee author Helen Pitt will be appearing at the Sydney Writers' Festival on Friday, May 3 at 10am. The Sydney Morning Herald journalist, who last year won the Walkley Book award for The House, the dramatic story of the Sydney Opera House and the people who made it, will join writers from all over the world at Carriageworks from April 29 until May 5. She will be part of a panel called The Sails, moderated by ABC broadcaster Sarah McDonald and featuring Brisbane author Kristina Olsson, whose book Shell features the Opera House as a backdrop. The panel will discuss the history, legacy and significance of the iconic building, including last year's controversial episode when broadcaster Alan Jones clashed with Opera House CEO Louise Herron. Tickets are only $20 and you can book at www.swf.org.au/festivals/festival-2019/the-sails.

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May 2019 The Beast 27

Can we please have our parking spots back now?

Locals Want Car Spots Back in Cutting Words Duncan Horscroft Photo Joel Parkingson The recent Bronte Cutting Pilot Project Draft Survey, conducted by the Bronte Surf Club, reveals that more than 75 per cent of respondents want the 20 car spaces returned in the cutting.

Bronte Surf Club president, Basil Scaffidi, said the survey had only been in circulation seven days when almost 500 people had provided information, proving to Waverley Council that the response had to be taken seriously.

Waverley Council installed the walkway initially as a “trial” last November and they have yet to come to an agreement as to whether the car spaces will be returned. At a council meeting in February one of the options proposed was, “Excavating and building a pedestrian path over the sandstone headland to link with existing footpaths, resulting in no loss of parking.” This option was well received in a survey conducted

by Council when the walkway was introduced, but there was also support for the car spaces to be permanently removed.

“We conducted our survey 28 The Beast May 2019

on March 12 and in one week received better results than the council survey that ran for two months,” Basil told The Beast.

“Their survey of 500 people included 200 face-to-face interviews and 300 on-line. If we had extended our draft we could have received 1,000 results in a heartbeat,” he said. “So it’s obvious the council survey was not properly instigated.”

The Elevated Walkway Diagnostics from the council survey suggested that it would be “safe” and could be designed for disabled access, but there were also safety concerns for those who park in the cutting still having to walk on the road.

There is no footpath on the western side now, so that is always going to be a problem.

It seems amazing that no plan for the car park was included in the initial stage of the Coastal Walk when it was first built and now plays host to around one million pedestrians a year.

A council meeting was planned for late last month to discuss the Cutting and a decision was due to be made.

Another issue the council might want to discuss is the on-street parking spots being eliminated by development.

Where old homes once stood, major architectural structures have now risen complete with double garages and driveways, eliminating parking spots for those without off-street parking.

One of the major problems is that new homes with spaces for two or more cars are not utilising the off-street facilities and garages are being used as workshops or storage areas.

It’s time the council cracked down on those parking on the street when they have applied for parking in their original Development Application.

Vehicles registered to those new homes should be made to use the facilities provided.

Car parking is not a privilege by any means, but with the traffic increasing by mammoth proportions around the Eastern Suburbs some common sense must come into play, otherwise we will all have to park at the beach - if you can find a spot, that is!

The latest from Randwick City Council about living in this great city

Randwick News Randwick Council’s draft Budget & Operational Plan for 2019-20 outlines Council’s proposed activities and expenditure for the coming year and is on public exhibition for community comment throughout May. The budget is set to deliver $42M in new and upgraded infrastructure, capital works, improved roads and footpaths, and services.

What’s On UNTIL SUN 4 AUGUST LA PEROUSE THROUGH THE LENS

Wednesdays 10am – 2pm Weekends 10am – 4pm La Perouse Museum 1542 Anzac Parade, La Perouse

THU 2 MAY AUTHOR TALKS: LONELY PLANET AUTHOR TONY WHEELER

6.30pm Margaret Martin Library Royal Randwick Shopping Centre, Belmore Road, Randwick Bookings essential

MON 6 MAY GROWING BIG IN SMALL SPACES USING PERMACULTURE 9.30am Randwick Community Centre 27 Munda St, Randwick

The budget will deliver on projects started under the Our Community Our Future program and include planning for a new cultural facility at Blenheim House and new amenities and parking at South Maroubra Beach. Technology is a highlight of the draft Budget with real-time data on beach conditions, parking and transport planned to be rolled out across town centres and beaches.

This Budget delivers for the community what we promised.

We’re continuing our tradition of responsible and sound financial practices and getting on with the business of providing the community with top quality services, facilities and programs.

I encourage you to view the draft Budget and find out how it affects your suburb by visiting www.yoursayrandwick. nsw.gov.au or viewing the documents at our libraries and Customer Service Centre.

FRI 10 – SUN 12 MAY NOX NIGHT SCULPTURE WALK 6pm – 8pm Randwick Community Centre 27 Munda St, Randwick

SUN 12 MAY BLAK MARKETS

9.30am Bare Island Bridge Bare Island, La Perouse

FRI 24 MAY KOOJAY CORROBOREE

Councillor Kathy Neilson Mayor of Randwick

10am Coogee Beach

1300 722 542 randwick.nsw.gov.au

The dream team.

Heroes Walk Among Us Words Siriol Dafydd Photo Elise Grundy When facing tragedy, most people understandably enter survival mode, curl up in the foetal position and wait for life to stop kicking the shit out of them. Losing a child is about as soul-destroying as it gets and anybody who can even get up every day after such trauma, let alone devote their lives to helping others, is a superhero.

Our regular readers know all about Mal Ward’s incredible efforts. Six months after his son John was diagnosed with liver disease, he threw his first event to help children’s hospitals.

Sadly, Johnno passed away in 2008 age nine, but his memory lives on in his father’s passion, drive and selfless generosity.

“Johnno would be so proud to know what is being done for the sick kids in Westmead, in his name,” Mr Ward said.

The Forever Johnno Fundraiser has so far raised $250,000. If you want to add to that, the 19th annual event takes place on Friday, May 31 from 7pm at Coogee Bay Hotel 30 The Beast May 2019

Sports Bar. There will be raffles, auctions, special guests, music and food. All proceeds go to The Children’s Hospital, Westmead.

But Mr Ward isn’t the only superhero in Coogee. Sophie Smith, who moved here with her husband Ash in 2000, is about as tough as a human can get.

Sophie’s life changed after giving birth to premature triplets in 2006. Henry was born at 21 weeks and lived for one precious hour. Evan and Jasper were born at 24 weeks and, despite huge efforts to save them, Evan lived for 10 days and Jasper for 58.

The pain Ash and Sophie experienced is unimaginable, yet somehow they found strength to transform their grief into something positive.

“We learned that ours was a tragedy that affects many and we were determined that our little boys’ lives could make a difference,” said Ms Smith.

They decided to run the SMH Half Marathon and raise

$20,000 for a Humidicrib for the hospital. Joined by 98 runners, they actually raised $80,000. That’s impressive enough in itself, but their story doesn’t end there.

Since then, over 3,000 people have represented ‘Running For Premature Babies’. So far, they’ve raised $3 million which has funded critical research, provided 45 pieces of lifesaving equipment and directly benefited 5,000 babies.

If you fancy getting involved on Sunday, May 19, Ms Smith still has some spaces left in this year’s team of 500 runners. If you’re not ready to run 21km you can pair up with a mate and run the 11.5/9.5km relay instead. All you need to do is register for the Sydney Morning Herald Half Marathon, choose Running for Premature Babies as your charity and raise $200.

Sophie’s husband Ash passed away from brain cancer in 2016 aged 43, and since then she’s turned Running for Premature Babies into a registered charity and her full time job.

“My vision now is to grow this charity so we can become a national charity creating running communities around the country so we can support hospitals with Neonatal Intensive Care Units Australia wide and give premature babies a better chance of survival,” she told The Beast.

And if that hasn’t already got you sobbing into your breakfast, these two legends even work together when Mr Ward donates his legendary BBQ twice a year for Ms Smith’s half marathon team and Kids Fun Run. “Having people like Wardy reach out to support me and my cause means the world to me and makes me feel so blessed to live in this wonderful community,” said Ms Smith.

That’s it, I’m off to cry into my cornflakes…

Mayor’s Message Bondi Pavilion Restoration & Conservation Project Our proposal for the restoration of the iconic Bondi Pavilion has reached a major milestone. The development application is now open for public and stakeholder input and a period of 28 days is set aside for this next phase of community consultation.

The DA documentation can be viewed via the DA Tracker on our website using reference number DA105/2019.

To make a sybmission, email dasubmissions@waverley.nsw.gov.au.

The DA will be assessed by independent assessment officers, heritage consultants and the Office of Environment and Heritage. This process is likely to take at least six months.

I would like to thank everyone who has worked hard to get the project to where it is today. Our aim is to start construction February 2020 straight after the peak summer period.

The detail designs have been guided by the Bondi Pavilion Conservation Management Plan and extensive community feedback.

The key features of the restoration include replacing the roof tiles with those similar to the original terracotta tiles, additional amenities on the Northern Courtyard, accessible from the internal courtyard and the walkway between the Pavilion and the Surf Lifesaving Club, a tourism office and a flexible cultural space for exhibitions and alike via the Bondi Story Room.

John Wakefield, Mayor of Waverley

Bondi Pavilion Conservation & Restoration Project.

Events The Global Table Sunday 5 May, 11am–4pm Oxford Street Mall, Bondi Junction Global Table is back for its 14th year, celebrating Waverley’s vibrant cultural diversity through food, music and dance. Join the feast at our 35m long communal dining table in Oxford Street Mall and take a bite of the food, culture and entertainment from all over the world.

FREE Electronic Waste Drop-off Day Sunday 26 May, 9am–3pm Drop off your e-waste for FREE at the E-waste drop-off day on Sunday 26 May 2018 at Lyne Park, Rose Bay. We'll make sure your e-waste is recycled safely and responsibly.

You don't even have to get out of your car, friendly staff will come and collect your unwanted goods for you.

Find out what you can and can't recycle at waverley.nsw.gov.au.

For more information, visit waverley.nsw.gov.au/events.

Ph: 9083 8000 | waverley.nsw.gov.au | Stay in touch: waverley.nsw.gov.au/subscribe Waverley Customer Service Centre: 55 Spring Street, Bondi Junction.

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More Bits and Pieces from Around the Beaches Words Dan Hutton Photo Aux Dominguez Instagram @auxdominguez COMPOSTABLE POO BAGS Randwick Council has bagged another win for the environment and is one of the first councils in New South Wales to provide compostable dog poo bags at 30 parks and dog off-leash areas in Randwick City. The new bags are made of plant-based materials which break down leaving no toxic residue or microplastics in the environment. Previous bags were biodegradable plastic bags made from petroleum, which break down, but leave microplastics. The new bags are available now from 62 dispensers across Randwick’s parks and reserves.

THE SYDNEY SOUTH AFRICAN FILM FESTIVAL The inaugural Sydney South African Film Festival, a notfor-profit event dedicated to celebrating the best of South African film, will be held from May 9 to 19 at Event Cinemas, Bondi Junction. This is the first Sydney based event of its kind and is designed to shine a spotlight on South Africa’s most talented filmmakers. The festival has been established to raise funds for Education without Borders (EwB), a foundation for providing after-school Education and Mentorship, operating in South

Autumn mornings.

Africa since 2002. The outcomes of the program are closely monitored and results are showing remarkable levels of student engagement in post school education and job achievement.

The organisers are hoping to raise over $50,000 and provide the funding needed for a whole new EwB venture, the launch of its fourth site in the community of Bellville South, Cape Town, Western Cape. The festival will feature eight films and an equal number of documentary shorts from young up-and-coming South African film makers. For more information, please visit www.ssaff.org.au.

TEACH ETHICS IN THE EAST Each week across New South Wales volunteers run ethics classes in their local primary schools. Topics range from Courage and Empathy to Drugs in Sport, and all discussion scenarios are approved by the Department of Education. Primary Ethics, the not-for-profit that runs the program, provides comprehensive training to approved applicants. Volunteers find teaching rewarding and enjoy equipping students with skills for life. Students learn critical thinking and how to share their

views, and they have a great time doing it. If you can spare an hour each week during term and would like to get involved, please visit www.primaryethics.com.au.

ART AND CRAFT EXHIBITION To celebrate their tenth birthday later this year, Randwick Art Society will be holding their tenth annual art and craft exhibition from Friday, May 3 to Sunday, May 5 at the Prince Henry Centre, 2 Coast Hospital Road, Little Bay. Featuring a wide selection of paintings and varied craft at reasonable prices, the doors will be open from 10am each day.

FREEZE YOUR TITS OFF The Clovelly Eskimos, arguably Sydney’s most progressive social clique, welcomes everyone (who can afford to live in the area) to come and try winter swimming this season. The first swim of the year will be held on Sunday, May 5 at 10.30am at Clovelly Beach.

The races are short and handicapped, so you can be in and out of the water in no time. If you’re still alive after the dip you can join the sophisticated elites for a hot soup and a beverage in the exclusive enclave of the Clovelly Surf Club. For more information, please email eskimos@elders.net.

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May 2019 The Beast 33

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Join Waverley Bushcare Join like-minded locals and help make a difference to one of Waverley’s special green spaces.

You’ll learn about native plants and wildlife and enjoy the benefits of time spent in nature.

No experience is necessary. For more information, please visit www.waverley.nsw.gov.au.

Art Classes with Lily Oen Unleash your creative potential and develop your artistic skills under the talented guidance of artist and teacher Lily Oen every Tuesday from 10.30am12.30pm at Lionel Bowen Library, Maroubra. If you’re keen to get involved, register your interest by calling 9093 6400.

Money for Nothin' Keen to make money while you’re away? Local holiday property specialist HomeHost can show you how. Gabriel and his professional team will help you to earn the best return from your property while you relax on holiday.

Give them a call on 1300 17 17 18 or visit HomeHost.com.au.

Maloneys Home Delivery Too lazy to do your grocery shopping? Maloneys offers a complete home delivery service, so there’s no excuse for living on Domino’s and Deliveroo. Get your order in by 7pm and it’ll be delivered fresh to your door the next day. To order, please visit www.maloneysgrocer.com.au.

Totally Random Book Club Each month this fun book club for kids in years 3-6 features a new book and a chat about what we’ve been reading. It’s on today at Lionel Bowen Library, Maroubra from 4-4.45pm.

Please express your interest by phoning 9093 6400 or book your place at eventbrite.com.

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Randwick Council Meeting All residents are welcome to attend the Ordinary Council Meeting from 6-9pm on the 4th Tuesday of each month at the Council Chambers on the 1st floor of Randwick Town Hall.

The agenda for each meeting is available on Council’s website at www.randwick.nsw.gov.au.

Jirga at Bondi Pavilion Bondi Cinema Club screen the best arthouse and independent films at the Pavilion each month.

Tonight’s film is Jirga, the story of a former Aussie soldier who returns to Afghanistan to seek forgiveness from the family of a man he killed in the war. Visit cinemaclubfilmprojects.com.

Food Addicts Meetings Today, Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) is hosting one of its twice-weekly meetings, which are held every Wednesday at 7pm and Friday at 10am at Salvation Army Hall, 100 Boyce Road, Maroubra. For more information, please visit www.foodaddicts.org.

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Woollahra VIEW Club Meeting Woollahra VIEW Club meets at 10am at Woollahra’s Gaden Community Cafe on the fourth Wednesday of every month, with a guest speaker followed by an optional lunch. If you’d like to come along, please call Jan on 0422 922 095 or email nettiet@bigpond.com.

Building Bridges The Library Bridge Club meets weekly on Wednesdays (except school or public holidays) from 1.30-3.30pm at Lionel Bowen Library, Maroubra. Feel free to register and enjoy this wonderful pastime on a regular basis.

For more information, please call 9093 6400.

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South African Film Festival The inaugural Sydney South African Film Festival, a notfor-profit event dedicated to celebrating the best of South African film, will be held from today until May 19 at Event Cinemas, Bondi Junction. For more information, please visit www.ssaff.org.au.

2040 Screening at the Ritz Join Australian director Damon Gameau for a special event screening of his innovative feature documentary 2040, followed by an intimate Q&A, at the Ritz Cinema, Randwick from 6.30pm this evening. To book your tickets, please visit ritzcinema.com.au.

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World Class Stand-Up Enjoy killer comedy with drinks delivered direct to your seat every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night at the Comedy Store Showcase in the Entertainment Quarter. For more information and to purchase your tickets, please phone 9550 3666 or visit www.comedystore.com.au.

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Helen's in The House Coogee author Helen Pitt will appear at the Sydney Writers’ Festival today at 10am. The Sydney Morning Herald journalist won the Walkley Book award for The House, the dramatic story of the Sydney Opera House and the people who made it. Please visit www.swf.org.au.

Roosters vs Wests Tigers The mighty Sydney Roosters will battle it out with Wests Tigers tonight at the SCG from 7.35pm. Both clubs have had a fairly solid start to the season so this should be an entertaining encounter. For tickets and information, please visit sydneycricketground.com.au.

The Global Table Don’t miss this celebration of cultural diversity through the two global languages of music and food, highlighted by a 35-metre long communal table running between the food stalls under the umbrellas of Oxford Street Mall, Bondi Junction from 11am-4pm today.

Swans vs Essendon The Sydney Swans will take on the Essendon Bombers tonight at the SCG from 7.50pm. Will the boys be in contention this year? It’s been a shaky start to the season but we’re still hopeful. To purchase tickets and for more information, please visit sydneycricketground.com.au.

NOX Night Sculpture Walk Explore illuminated sculptures, art installations and new film works after dark from UNSW students. Come for the art, stay for the food, music and performance.

It’s on from May 10-12 from 6-8pm at Randwick Community Centre & Munda Street Reserve.

Visit randwick.nsw.gov.au/nox.

Mother's Day Shout mum lunch! Urban Winery (urbanwinerysydney.com.au) are putting on an $85/head sit-down lunch from 12-3pm, which includes a bottle of A. Retief wine, and The Bucket List (thebucketlistbondi.com) are hosting a $25/head lunch with seatings at 12pm and 3pm.

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Bat Month at Centennial Park May is Bat Month at Centennial Parklands, which is home to one of Sydney’s largest colonies. There are a number of fun events including tonight’s The Great CP Bat Count and the Spotlight Prowl on May 10.

For information, please visit centennialparklands.com.au.

Koojay Corroboree Celebrate our rich cultural heritage as Aboriginal dancers share their stories through traditional performances today at Coogee Beach from 10am-12.30pm. There’ll also be a boomerang masterclass, didgeridoo workshop and more.

Visit randwick.nsw.gov.au.

Forever Johnno Get down to the Coogee Bay Hotel Sports Bar from 7pm this evening and throw your support behind the 19th annual Forever Johnno fundraiser. There will be raffles, auctions, special guests, music and plenty of food, and all proceeds go to The Children’s Hospital, Westmead.

SMH Half Marathon Register for the Half Marathon and choose Running for Premature Babies as your charity!

Clovelly Childcare Green Fair Kid’s activities, preloved clothing and cake stalls alongside initiatives to reduce our environmental footprint, from 10am-1pm at 40A Arden Street, Clovelly.

Bondi Farmers Markets Choose from a huge range of fresh seasonal fruits and vegetables, organic meat and poultry, fresh flowers, breads, jams, cheeses, seafood, herbs, spices and more at Bondi Beach Public School every Saturday morning from 9.00am. Please visit www.bondimarkets.com.au.

Bilched at The Cloey The Clovelly Hotel are hosting a screening of local film Bilched from 6.30pm this evening.

Dating with Dogs The Sheaf has teamed up with The Social Dog Company to bring you fun, flirty, fundraising afternoons for dog-loving singles, today from 2-4pm.

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Email your resumé to james@thebeast.com.au

TIM MINCHIN

BACK WITH A VENGEANCE Interview Dan & James Hutton Pictures Damian Bennett Instagram @damianbennettphoto

It took us over three years to pin down Tim Minchin for an interview. When we finally caught up with the comedian, actor, writer, musician, composer, lyricist, and director at his new pad in Coogee he was generous enough to give us nearly three hours of his time.

He’s funny, thoughtful, honest and sometimes controversial, but always entertaining and we bloody love him. We hope you enjoy our chat...

Where are you originally from?

I am from Perth, Western Australia.

When did you move to the Eastern Suburbs? January 2018. It’s ‘twenty eighteen’; you don’t say ‘two thousand and eighteen’. We didn’t used to say ‘one thousand nine hundred and eighty seven’ now did we? 2018.

But did they say ‘ten eighteen’?

What did they say back then?

Well, most of them didn’t know what year it was I reckon.

You were actually born in England, weren't you? Born in Northampton.

Are you a dual citizen? Yeah, I am.

You better renounce that if you ever think of entering politics…

Yeah, I’m not allowed to be a dual citizen, am I? You spent quite a lot of time around the Eastern Suburbs before January 2018 though, didn’t you? I did. I hadn’t spent any time in Sydney really until

2004, which was just before things took off for me. I came up and did a play at the Old Fitz and really liked it here. We also stayed here while I was doing Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, and that was around 2014. That was when we went, “You know what? We could live here.”

That was when you were living in Bronte, wasn't it? Yeah, for a little while I was living above Café Salina, doing Rosencrantz at night and writing Groundhog Day during the day. Prior to that the fam and I were living down on Wisdom Street in South Coogee in an Airbnb. We always thought we’d move to Australia, and we knew we couldn’t move back to Perth, just for work reasons. We thought, “This feels about right.”

What was it about Coogee that charmed you? Well, we initially bought a house in Bronte, then got screwed by that f*cking prick, what’s his name? Real estate agent dude, drives around in a Ferrari or Lamborghini or something... Alex someone? So Coogee wasn’t actually our first choice but it’s where we ended up.

That said, we love Coogee!

The beachside suburbs are all wonderful. I initially couldn’t imagine living in Bondi - it just feels too built-up - but now that I’ve gotten to know it better I totally get the North Bondi thing. We were hoping for Bronte, but then we did have this amazing time living for a couple of months around Coogee. In the end it was

the architecture of the house that made us choose Coogee.

We’re actually not very controlling about the big decisions we make in our life. It was more like, “Oh, there’s a house, vaguely something we could buy, let’s go to auction and see if we get it.” And we did. We don’t overthink that stuff, and it’s a pretty good policy in order to have a pretty interesting life.

What do you love about the Eastern Suburbs? Being Western Australian and growing up near the beach, I just didn’t see the point of moving back to Australia and not living near the beach.

I just love the ocean. I’m loving the rocky bays here, having grown up in Western Australia where it’s just a strip of sand, thousands of kilometres long.

I do find the Eastern Suburbs a little bit weird actually. It’s more conservative here than I thought. I thought it would be like living in Swanbourne in Perth, although that’s probably pretty conservative too. Maybe because I grew up there I wasn’t so aware of the middle classness of it at the time. It felt to me just like childhood and people, whereas coming back from living overseas - especially after living in London - and moving here was like, “Oh shit, only wealthy people live near the beach.” I thought it was going to be like Tim Winton; sandy feet and skin peeling and Gaytimes and shit.

I’m quite surprised how much I like that it’s actually quite touristy. I love that it comes alive, this beach. Our street gets really busy with tourists, but it’s nice.

May 2019 The Beast 37

Walking around on the weekend, there’s plenty of life and I like that. And Mr Whippy comes down the street.

How’s the transition back to life in Australia been? We had a really tough year last year because we moved to a new place and left all our friends behind, again.

And our kids went to a new school, again! And my wife’s trying to start a community, again.

She doesn’t have a conventional job so she’s just trying to find friends amongst the private school mob.

Do you have any favourite local haunts? Gordon’s café. I love it. I do love going down the pub and stuff but it can get a bit much.

I just wear a path between my house, Symétrie gym and Gordon’s café, and that’s it really.

And we walk over the hill down to the path and go to the Pav and Sugarcane and Gusto and Woolies as well.

Do you have issues deciding which school to send your kids to? We send our kids to a basically secular co-ed school. I went to an all boys school and I just think it’s weird to do single sex schools now. We’re literally in the middle of a massive movement of f*cking furious women saying, “It sucks to be us.” Definitely don’t segregate by gender then. People pay big money to go to an institution that’s basically old-fashioned, and although they can have very progressive education within that old-fashioned framework, I just think that, taken as a whole, we shouldn’t be doing singlesex education. Maybe, taken as a whole, we shouldn’t be doing private education either, but I don’t know.

I think the main argument for single sex schools is that kids aren't being distracted by the opposite sex... I know, but then they get spat out into the real world. You’ve got to deal with the opposite sex at some point, surely earlier is better.

38 The Beast May 2019

You moved around a lot the last couple decades? Yeah, we moved around a lot. Perth to Melbourne to London to LA, New York as well, then here to Sydney.

Are you here to stay for a while now? Yeah, we want to. It’d be nice if this was it, really. It sometimes makes us feel sad that we won’t go back to Perth, but I don’t think we will.

All your family's over there? My brother and my parents, and Sarah’s two sisters and her parents as well. But my two sisters are in Clovelly, which makes all the difference.

Are your children loving Eastern Suburbs life? Yeah, I reckon.

That's got to be a good reason to stay put? I think I benefited from utter stability. I’m from a Perth family that’s generations old on both sides. My cousins were there, my grandparents were right up the street, my uncles owned the pub and my other uncle’s a Freo muso and everyone knew us. My dad’s a well-regarded Perth surgeon.

It’s just like we belonged. I was hugely lucky in that way, and the sense of belonging travels with me.

Perth is so isolated. Growing up there, it’s hard to really picture the world outside. But it’s more vibrant than its reputation. You could go to theatre every night in Perth, there’s heaps of music - some of the best jazz in the country (I care about jazz, I don’t suppose people care about jazz), it’s a great town. But that stability is the main thing I remember. I just felt safe. I want my kids to feel safe too, so I’d like them to not move school again, ever. I’d like them to stay in one spot for high school. That would be good, right?

You had a bit of a rough trot in the US at the end; did that help make leaving a little easier?

Yeah, I think so. I think it was easier for me to leave than it was

for Sarah because I was just like, “F*ck this place.”

Can you elaborate on what went down there? Well, we went there so I could co-direct this Australian animated film, written by Harry Cripps. I put most stuff aside to focus on that. It was going to be perhaps the biggest Australian family film ever made. It was proper; Margot Robbie, Hugh Jackman, everyone was in it. Naomi Watts, Ben Mendelsohn, Jackie Weaver, Ewen Leslie, Damon Herriman, me! The greatest Aussie voice cast ever assembled, singing animals, kangaroos, and wrestling and football games. Well, not football games, but kidnap scenarios built on the idea of a football game! Jumping off red dirt cliffs in the Kimberley, just epic. Lion King crossed with Mad Max, but much funnier.

So I went, “Yeah, that’s worth all my time. I’ll say no to everything else for a while.” And then the company got bought and they shut down everything that was in development, even though our movie was in full production. We had fully fledged 3D surfaced, lit, animated sequences, with songs orchestrated

by Hans Zimmer.

Wasn't it a hundred million dollar budget? Yeah, it would have been. We had already spent 50 million I think. But if you’re Universal and you buy a 3.7 billion dollar studio, you’re just thinking about assets and liabilities. You have a column of assets and that includes Madagascar and all the intellectual property that studio has developed, things like How to Train Your Dragon, Madagascar, Shrek, Penguins, Trolls... good stuff, Dreamworks movies are great! That’s why I went to the studio. They have this eccentricity that I love.

So Universal bought the studio mainly to acquire all of that intellectual property, because they’re Universal and all Universal want to do is make sequels - they’ve got this shortterm plan to make money. It’s

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so short-sighted. “You need to be developing new stuff, you f*cking idiots.” Anyway, they look at the 50 million bucks that’s already spent on Larrikins and they think, “We can’t guarantee that this will be a hit because it’s not preexisting IP! It’s new, and it’s Australian and it’s a bit different.” How can they know if that’ll work? “It’s not like anything, it’s new. Well then it’s a risk, right? Yeah. Well if we put that in that column, take it from the potential assets and just write it off as a cost then that’s, like, a 50 million dollar writeoff against our purchase.” Or something like that. Either way, they weren’t thinking about the 100 people who had poured their hearts and souls into it for years.

They didn’t care about whether it was a good or valuable piece of art. They care only about their careers.

Can you buy it from them? Apparently Netflix wanted to buy it and finish it. I had this meeting with the Universal people who made the decision to kill the film and I said, “Can’t you sell it to someone else? Like, Animal Logic in Australia want to do it and Netflix want to do it and they’ve got the money. Just give it to us. If you don’t want to make it, just give it to us for a fire sale price: 10 million? You make 10 million bucks! Better than nothing.” They’re like, “No.” They said, “We would sell it for what it’s worth - 50 million bucks - plus we would want half of the profit when it’s released.”

Which of course means no one will ever buy it. It can not possibly be worth it under those terms. Plus you’d have to buy the software licence off of them, retrain all your animators to use that software, then spend the extra 50 million bucks to finish it off, then not get all the profit.

I said to them, “But no one’s going to buy it like that. Why don’t you just sell it if you don’t want it? It’s in the bin.

Just sell it, you get 10 million bucks.” Jimmy Horowitz says, “Schmuck insurance.” What?

40 The Beast May 2019

“Well, if someone else makes it, and it goes well, we’ll look like schmucks. Schmuck insurance.”

I told him I thought that was psychopathic. He didn’t like me saying that. And I’m sure they don’t like me telling this story, but f*ck ‘em.

Groundhog Day closed before that, or soon after that? Yeah, around that same time. It opened on Broadway just before Larrikins was shut down, and then within three months we knew Groundhog Day wasn’t going to survive the year. That was more painful than Larrikins, probably.

How come? Well, it was just better than all the other musicals that stayed open. It felt unjust.

Still does. But that’s Broadway, baby.

It is coming back though isn't it? Hmmm, some day. It’s quite a long story actually, and I can’t talk about it without sounding a bit bitter, and without getting sued by a couple of the arseholes who screwed us over. Allegedly!

Musical theatre is big business; if you get a ‘hit’, you get to have a nice house on the beach.

For that reason there’s a lot of ruthless behaviour around it. I’ve been the luckiest arsehole in the world but what I’ve learnt is that it doesn’t always go the way Matilda went. You don’t always get to go to the Royal Shakespeare Company with your dear friends and build this beautiful piece of theatre that goes to London and everyone wins. Mostly it’s like a f*cking cage fight of total c*nts… especially if you’re across the pond on Broadway.

Is that a reflection of how America is as a country on the global stage as well? I don’t suppose you can make generalisations about whole countries with any accuracy whatsoever. Especially the US… America might as well be twenty countries. I think they do have a deep - and damaging - cultural belief in their own global superiority. I think every

American grows up believing deep down, even if they’re super liberal, that it’s the greatest country in the world. They don’t even question that this statement doesn’t mean anything.

But they believe it’s the greatest country in the world and they kind of work from that assumption regardless. And part of that story of the American dream what makes America ‘great’ - is that it’s the land of opportunity.

But that American dream has morphed into, “If you want to work hard, and just really f*cking scramble and stand on people’s heads, then you too can have the American dream.” The middle bit - the scrambling and standing on people’s heads bit was not what it was meant to be.

It was meant to be if you work hard you can have the dream, but of course that philosophy gets distorted because 380 million people are not all going to get to have the American dream.

Will you ever go back and work in the US again? Probably not after this comes out! I’ve got a new song that starts with the lyric, “F*ck America, f*ck its teflon self-esteem, will someone wake me from the nightmare of their American f*cking dream.” But I’m certainly not anti-American - it’s absurd to be anti-American because America is everything.

If you’re anti-American, are you anti-Hispanic school teachers?

Are you anti-Native American women? I mean, what bit are you talking about? If anything, I’m anti-ruthlessness I think. But I’m ambitious too - I’m a hardworking person that goes hard at a goal myself - so maybe I’m someone else’s ruthless. I don’t think so, because I don’t think I’m ever mean to anyone.

How hard was it to bounce back from the disappointment of what happened in the States?

Has there been a silver lining, looking back? A retrospective silver lining? Look, while I was in America I made beautiful friends, I got to be in a big blockbuster (Robin Hood) - which was

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ridiculous but fun - and since I got back to Australia I have already been involved in writing and producing a new TV show, filmed it, and am now editing it - all in 18 months - and the skills I brought to that in terms of cowriting, script-editing and being involved in directing and producing it, there’s no way I could have done it without Larrikins, without that apprenticeship. It’s a pretty expensive apprenticeship though.

The thing is, with all difficult events - illness or loss or something much less problematic like not having a movie made - is that the further we get away from the event, we’re very good at building narratives that contextualise.

In fact, that’s what my TV show is about: how you move past and give context to your mistakes or griefs. And I’m just the luckiest person in the world - I’m hyper, hyper aware of how lucky I am but that doesn’t mean that losing four years of amazing work doesn’t take a while to get over, especially when it’s self-serving people who are responsible. It’s very hard not to be cross with those people.

But it’s two years on and it’s just better. Time. It’s just fine.

Because I’m busy again - I’m touring, I’m making telly, I’m the luckiest guy in the world. My kids are healthy and I live near the beach. I knew in time I’d feel better, but I was not my best version of myself for a good while because I was carrying anger. I was just furious at someone taking my time away. Time is moving very, very fast these days.

Are you a workaholic? No, I really like it though. Can you imagine having my job? It’s wicked.

Can you tell us a little bit about Upright? When is it coming out?

Yeah, Chris Taylor had the idea.

Have you worked with him before? No. I barely knew him, I’d only met him a couple times.

Chris went to Lingo Pictures with an idea about a guy who was trying to get across Australia

42 The Beast May 2019

with a piano - great idea - and at some point in that conversation my name came up. I don’t know whether Chris had me in mind from the beginning.

Lingo got Kate Mulvany, who is a very old friend of mine and is an incredible actress and playwright. She adapted Ruth Park’s The Harp in the South and Schiller’s Mary Stuart for Sydney Theatre Company. And they got Leon Ford, also a dear friend and an incredible actor/playwright as well. So Lingo and Chris and Kate and Leon developed this idea a bit and then pitched. And then I kind of went, “But I want to write it with you guys!” So we did.

We developed it more, and then I pitched it to Sky Atlantic in the UK and to Foxtel here in Australia, and they both basically signed in the room. We mapped out the episodes, and then we all went away and wrote two episodes each and, yeah, it was f*cking awesome. Then I lost some weight, went to the gym and dyed my hair, and we filmed it. Fifty days across Australia!

We went from basic idea to finished filming in 18 months, which is very, very rare. It’s a lot more complicated, obviously, but that’s what we did.

Where do people see it and when do they see it? Foxtel! You should get Foxtel!

How difficult is it to write a musical? Do you think you’ll write another one? Yeah, I’m planning on starting a new musical in between my two tours. So I go, end of tour, finish my album, three weeks off, start my new musical, then UK tour. That’s my year.

Can you reveal anything about the new musical? No. No? Writing a musical is hard I reckon, but it depends what you’re into. Mama Mia is the most successful musical on the planet and it’s… well it’s not the world’s greatest piece of theatre. Then there’s things like Hamilton, which is the most

popular musical ever made (apart from Mama Mia, but it will take over soon). It’s also one of the most brilliant things ever written. And then there’s things like Groundhog Day, which is quite complex. Musical theatre audiences maybe aren’t looking for something like that. It’s f*cking good, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. It’s pretty high concept. Sometimes I think too conceptual - maybe we wanked ourselves into a corner! But it’ll come back. I have no doubt in five years it’ll come back. We’ll get it back to London.

You were frustrated because it didn't go as well as it should have? I’m frustrated because, unfortunately with musicals, when you spend 12 million dollars on a musical if it doesn’t run for two years then it’s a failure; it is, by definition, not a hit - it’s a flop. In musicals you’re either a hit or a flop, and 90 per cent of them flop. But even with those odds it’s worth a crack, because a musical is a piece of intellectual property that no one can steal you can’t get it online, you can’t share it around - and you can charge 100 bucks a ticket and it can run. Matilda is open in South Africa and South Korea, and it’s in London and on tour, and it’ll come back to Australia in a few years. It goes on and on.

Do you still receive royalties from Matilda every time it plays?

Yes. A tiny percentage of profit wherever it runs, forever.

It means you have the freedom now to go off and create whatever the f*ck you want... That’s it. It’s just incredible.

And also you get the freedom to speak your mind... Yeah, although I’m pretty scared of talking these days. But the thing about Matilda is, if you’re going to be an artist and you have a thing you make be your nest egg, which happens to some artists sometimes - a hit song or whatever - how amazing it is that, out of all the things that I’ve done,

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the thing that’s given my family security is just so wholesome.

Such a good thing.

It's not vulgar money... No! Matilda employs hundreds of people. It is a lovely piece of art.

The only bummer is it’s hard for low-income families to see it because musicals are big expensive things, and if our theatres are less than 80 per cent full we start losing money. This is the gamble, right? The margins are tiny but the numbers are big, so it’s very hard to charge less.

But we have incredible outreach education programmes around England. The Royal Shakespeare Company goes into schools with these special Matilda packages and they have to write songs like in Matilda and put it on. The good that Matilda does, it’s a beautiful thing.

Why do you think it took a move to the UK to cement your status as a star? You need a big population for your niche market to be big enough to sustain. I’m probably reasonably well-known in the UK, they just f*cking eat comedy over there. It’s a huge industry and really it was just... I was just getting to the point where you’d maybe, kind of want to watch me, and I went to Edinburgh and someone went, “Here’s a DVD deal, here’s a manager, and we’re a production company, we want to tour you, we’ll send you on tour in a nice BMW with your own tour manager and a grand piano.” And I’m like, “Should I go back to Australia and maybe have a meeting with the ABC? Or should I move the f*ck to England?”

Do you think the average Aussie is too stupid to appreciate your sense of humour? No, no, definitely not. I actually think I made my career by not ever condescending to audiences.

Comedy hasn’t been my main thing for a long time now so it’s weird talking about myself as a comedian. But in all my work in Matilda, in Groundhog Day, in Larrikins, in my tours, in

44 The Beast May 2019

Upright - I repeatedly go, “Stop telling me what the audience is; we will make the art that we think is good and the audience will come or it won’t.” That’s the gamble, right? We never condescended to the audience in Matilda. It’s got layers of stuff in it. Some of it goes over some people’s heads, some of it doesn’t. Sometimes you make something that’s too complex or a bit esoteric and it doesn’t find its audience, but I will not ever say, “Do you know what? The audience is a bit dumb, I might dumb it down a bit.”

Your song ‘Prejudice’ is a commentary about the N-word, about the power of words; has anyone ever had a go at you for mocking racism? I like to try to have my cake and eat it too. It’s obviously a very light-hearted song, but I’m absolutely not mocking the idea that only black people should use the N-word I’m actually fiercely advocating that idea. I don’t know why it’s funny really. A lot of people just think it’s a song about not calling gingers ‘ginger’. I think it’s actually a song where I’m literally just saying, “Language has power; take care with it.” Words have power because of their past use and you’ve got to honour that. Like a lot of my stuff, I’m joking but not joking. It’s such a weird thing that this song is popular. I don’t love it.

A lot of your comedic work deals with religion and it's empirical flaws; why do you think that this subject matter has formed the basis and inspiration for such a large proportion of your comedic work? My old stuff?

Do you see that as your old stuff? Well, in my twenties I was reading a lot and I was trying to have a career and I started doing these cabaret shows. I read a book by Francis Wheen called How Mumbo-jumbo Conquered the World, then I just sort of went down the rabbit hole of critical thinking, having done some philosophy and logic and

stuff. I was interested.

My dad and his dad were surgeons, so I guess we have fairly scientific brains. I’m attracted to arguments and to trying to work out why we believe what we believe, and I really enjoy basic logical philosophy and going, “Why is that argument wrong?”

I think it just happened to be what I was reading at the time I was also gathering an audience, and people seemed to like it.

Firstly, you’re not really meant to criticise religion too much and, secondly, logical philosophy isn’t very funny. Unless it is. I think I just was super nerdy, people were finding it funny that I was doing stand-up about causal correlations. So I think I just found a form and I found an audience for this weird thing. I was doing lots of different things at that time - I was still playing in my original band and I was still doing theatre and stuff - but the thing that people started coming to see was this thing.

So the fact that people seem to think musical comedy involving a little bit of rationalism was something worth watching, I’m like, “Well I’m your guy for that shit! Alright, I’ll do more of that shit.” I really like that. I don’t mind being the nerdy rationalist comedian as long as I can go off and do my other stuff as well.

Once I started touring the south of America I realised it really meant a lot to those people.

There are people who come to my shows in America, they cry when they meet me. They’re like, “We’re biology teachers in Kentucky and our family don’t speak to us because we teach evolution.” They’re those people.

Me coming to their town was like, “We’re going to fly to see him because he’s...”

The Messiah? Ha! Well, yeah, they were like church services.

These people didn’t want to hear anything but the God stuff. They were there to be with a community of people who say, “No, you’re not mad. You’re on the right side.” And I suddenly went, “Okay, so it’s valid as a form of

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May 2019 The Beast 45

satire.” I sometimes feel there is a problem with being mean about religion, which is that most religious people are the most vulnerable people. They’ve been sold the wrong stuff, but now they need it. I try to make sure that what I’m criticising is where belief meets bigotry - where belief meets hypocrisy - and where flawed religious thinking allows people to justify their bigotry.

Do you think prayer is like writing a list; goal-setting, focusing your energy and stuff like that?

I sometimes think it’d be really nice to have that - prayer - in my life. Once when I was a teenager, body boarding out the back at Yallingup, I thought I was going to die. My board got ripped away - the surf was just way too big for me - and I actually called for my mum. You need to call for something. You want to externalise your need. It’s so impulsive. But don’t go telling me we’re going to pray your f*cking disease away.

Of course if you cherry pick data you can find correlations between prayer and outcomes, but just don’t claim it’s causal. You have to be very careful of this stuff. There’s actually not much correlation between positive thinking and better outcomes.

People say, “You’ve just got to stay positive,” and some poor f*ck who’s just got a tumour taken out of his chest is like, “Oh, so I have to survive this and be positive for you c*nts, do I?” There is a physiological response though, isn't there?

There does seem to be correlations between depression and negative outcomes. Your body struggles to fight if you’re emotionally really down. But there’s a lot of data on the effect of belief on outcomes and this magic ‘positive thinking’ thing just isn’t there. You can’t think yourself well. You can, however, be as healthy as you can. Getting out of bed, going out and having breakfast and being surrounded by people - it all generates endorphins and all that stuff that your body wants. So if you lie

46 The Beast May 2019

in bed going, “I’m dying,” that’s probably not going to do you the best. But going, “I’m thinking my cancer away,” they’ve shown again and again it’s terrible for patients to feel - on top of their obligations to cope with their incredible challenges - that they’re also meant to be really positive.

It’s bad for you psychologically.

Do you think the church, and all religions for that matter, should be paying tax in Australia like any other company? Yes, of course. Anything that even sniffs of, “Because I believe in God I get special treatment,” can f*ck right off.

Do you ever think, "Maybe God is real, I better be careful just in case"? Only to the extent I think, “Maybe that cup’s going to fly away, I’d better duck.” I mean, it’s possible the cup will fly away.

How do you feel about religions brainwashing children in schools? I think it’s pretty strange that we work so hard to try to accurately educate our kids, and then for half an hour once or twice a week we tell them a bunch of stuff that’s not true. It’s pretty weird.

I want to use whatever power and skills I have to promote the idea that young kids should be doing critical thinking. I think education is falling behind technology. Kids can access information about anything they want, anywhere they want, now. We must teach kids how to discern good information from bad information. I think a bed for that should be philosophy of logic, and simple psych. Where are you making an error in your thinking? How can you think better? Unfortunately it’s very hard to get courses like that into schools because many schools have a religious background.

And when you’re learning how to discern between good and bad ideas, the first thing to crumble is religious belief.

Do you think religion has a place in modern Australian society

at all? I think it does, but it’s a pity that it does. No, I think you wouldn’t want religion to just go away all of a sudden. It is diminishing though. I believe we’re living in the religious end times because of information accessibility. Religious belief has always required restricting information. It’s how it was built. Restricting information is how you keep ideologies intact - always. Because the more you know, the less likely you’re going to be happy with magical beliefs as explanations or a basis for your morals.

Do you think conspiracy theorism is the new religion?

As people stop believing in God they start believing in other bullshit... Shit, that’s a very good question.

Do you think people have an inherent need to believe in something that's not true? I think people have an inherent need to believe something that’s not true, yeah. At least, some people do. I think people really like feeling like they’re special.

So being a conspiracy theorist allows you to feel special. “You sheeple! Look! I’ve got this special set of information that you don’t have...” Religion is that as well, right? “I’ve got this special book,” you know? But then, you look at Judaism, most Jews I know don’t really believe in God. What they have is a culture and a set of cultural touchstones - books, lessons, rituals and ceremonies - that give them a sense of community. I know lovely religious people and awful atheists. And I know awful religious people and lovely atheists.

Can we expect more activism from you in the future? You mentioned two of your more recent releases, the homophobia song and the George Pell song; is that your new thing? Are you moving away from slandering God? Well, both those songs are really still about religion. Homophobia and all that is very connected to religion in this country. The

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whole plebiscite was just driven by that little bunch of f*cking far right Christian backbenchers.

Those f*ckers shouldn’t have that much power in this country.

We are a secular, multicultural country. If we are being held over a barrel by a bunch of people who think Jesus is magic, that’s when I have a problem with religion.

So many bigoted laws are based in religion... It’s retrogressive.

Religion keeps saying it’s kind and progressive, but we secular humanists are always dragging religion along. And every time we drag them a new step they go, “We’re fine with the gays.” I’m like, “No, you tried to keep them in jail in Tasmania just 25 years ago. You same c*nts were trying to keep homosexuality criminalised.” And now they’re like, “It’s not that, it’s just that I think ‘marriage’ should be ‘marriage’.”

No, no, you’ve just changed your f*cking tone. You’re fighting the same battle. You’re just bigots.

Stop saying, “Oh, we’re really liberal Christians now.” If it was 1993 you would be in Tasmania trying to keep gay people in jail.

A lot of people might not know that all the money raised from ‘Come Home Cardinal Pell’ went towards funding a group of child abuse survivors to go over to the Vatican to watch George Pell's testimony... That’s right, because he wouldn’t come back. I wrote the song to support Meshel Laurie and Gorgi Coghlan’s GoFundMe page to help fly survivors to watch Pell testify to the Royal Commission.

Also, every cent from the sale of the song itself went to the same fundraising effort. In the end there was left-over money, which helped place a counsellor in Ballarat. It was a good thing, I think.

You describe yourself as a failed rock and roll star in the past but you've played to a packed Royal Albert Hall with a 50-piece orchestra; surely that is the ultimate in rock stardom? Did

48 The Beast May 2019

you ever watch that whole show start to finish? It opens with a song called ‘I’m in a Cage’ and at the time I thought it was stupid.

I just watched it back recently for the first time in years - maybe the first time ever - and it’s really funny.

What was it like playing to a packed Royal Albert Hall?

Yeah, pretty good. I wonder now what was going on in my head. I opened that orchestra arena show to 8,000 people in Birmingham the night before Matilda opened in Stratford.

And I made up that bit about the Koran and Harry Potter that day. I went to a runner, “Go and get me two copies of the Koran and two copies of Harry Potter.”

I had this idea, because I was in the Muslim capital of England, and I thought... I don’t know what I was thinking actually, it’s like I was mad on the adrenaline of that time. Was I normal?

Where was I at? It’s nice to have some distance now and go, “You did okay, kid.” Because at the time you’re still going, “Oh shit, my voice is shit, my material is shit, I look shit.”

Do you get massive come downs after big shows? It takes a while to get to bed. My formula is four hours and four wines. The bigger problem is that I can’t always sustain the self-belief at the level I need to sustain it to do my job. But it almost always comes back when I need it. Often I’m backstage feeling like, “I cannot even imagine the person I need to be in five minutes.”

I did the Sydney Opera House steps a couple years ago and I did two hours and every word I said was just off the cuff. In fact I haven’t planned what I’m going to say for my ten-week tour that’s about to start. I’m shitting myself. I’m constantly selfdoubting, but not in a dysfunctional way; in a way that makes me work harder, so that’s fine.

Did you ever dream that you'd have a 50-piece orchestra behind you while you played your

silly little songs? No, not even f*cking close. Can you imagine what I would have thought at 27 if I’d been able to look at this shit?

You've embarked on your latest tour, Back, and I'm guessing maybe you play with your back to the audience or something weird like that? I just had this idea that it should be called Back because I’m coming back and I’m going to have a poster that doesn’t show my face. I’ve done one-off gigs, but this is the first proper tour since my orchestra shows 7 years ago.

Can you tell us about the show?

I think what I’m going to do is as the poster promises. It says it’s called Back: old songs, new songs, f*ck you songs. I’m going to play maybe four or so songs from my record, which are quirky but they’re not very punchline-y. I’m going to go all the way back and do a couple of old things, it’s just going to be really f*cking fun. A little bit angry maybe, but my job is to make them feel like they’ve been on a rollercoaster of entertainment!

And plenty of ad-libbed chatting between each? People want an authentic experience, right? I’ve always felt I can be truthful… not so polished that it feels like I’m rolling out a product. I’m not a very good singer, I’m a reasonable pianist, and I’m a pretty good lyricist, but I think my real skill is making people feel like I’m in the room with them and they’re affecting me and I’m affecting them. I think that’s why I want to get back on tour, because actually I’m okay at that.

And I feel it, it’s not fake. I don’t fake it. I just get on stage and try to tell the truth - my version of it, anyway.

Would you ever consider going into politics? I can imagine considering going into politics, but I would be very, very surprised if that’s the best use of my time.

I think I can effect change better by being an artist and agitating

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from the outside. I do think it’s a great pity that more intellectually curious, smart leaders are not in politics. I think maybe we need to pay politicians more.

And make them pass a general knowledge test before they’re allowed to represent us.

What's your favourite song you've ever written? To play?

Yeah, to play to people? At the moment I’m most excited about playing a couple of my new ones.

I have a new song called ‘If This Plane Goes Down’. I like it, I can’t wait for people to hear it.

And I think my Christmas song is kind of special.

‘White Wine in the Sun’? Yeah.

In terms of me taking an emotion I felt and giving it to people and it just f*cking going “Goosh!”

If your job as an artist is to take a glowing piece of emotion and try and throw it down people’s throats, then I think that’s the best I’ve ever done at that.

How many years did it take you to become an overnight success? That’s a good question.

I look back at the last 12 years now, it’s pretty weird.

When did financial security first come for you? It was pretty much when I moved to England.

I moved to England and I got that DVD deal. Chiggy at PBJ, the woman who wanted to be my manager over there - she is still my manager over there - is a very dear friend of mine. I literally rang her after Edinburgh in 2005 and went, “If I move there, can you guarantee me that we’ll be okay? That we’ll be able to pay the rent?” She said yeah and I went okay.

So, seven months pregnant, we went to London, got a flat that’s way nicer than anything we had ever lived in - tiny but, “Oh my God, we can actually get this flat?!” - and I just started working. And there were corporate gigs to supplement the solo stuff. From that moment I never

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worried about it again really, which is just incredible.

In an ideal world, what does the future hold for Tim Minchin?

I’m addicted to variety. I want to keep making different things in different genres. And I would like to stay healthy. The future mostly holds my death. And it’ll come quite soon because I’m 43.

It’s quite quick, don’t you think it’s going quick? You’ve had a different experience because you’ve had a bit of a run-in. But I am like, “Oh, shit. I was just 30 and that means I’ve only got like three more of those.” Decades sort of feel like units now. It’s like I’ve only got three units left.

Even if all I do is write musicals, I’ve probably only got six left.

They take years.

Measuring your life in the number of musicals... Exactly. I just want to work, and hang out with my family, and then try to die without too much pain I think. Is that alright?

Not tea and toast tonight, Joyce thought. Tonight, for the first time in a long time, the aroma of frying onions filled her home, and with it the scent of – what was that? Something new...

It’s such a bother to cook for oneself, really, all that work and washing up, just for one.

It didn’t seem worth it half of the time.

Indeed, most of the time. Of course, she’d loved to cook when she was younger, learned how at her mother’s side, treasured the smiles as she’d laid out pastries for friends, the babies gooing as they gummed the crusts, the thanks when she delivered rafts of Anzac biscuits to the Probus Club fundraisers, the exclamations when the turkey and the ham arrived at the table at Christmas. But with the kids gone, and Harold passed away, there didn’t seem much reason to cook any more. Half the pleasure of it was in the sharing. But tonight, tonight was different. There was a stranger in her home, and she was the one cooking. Well, not a stranger any more, Joyce supposed, more a housemate, a term she’d last used back in her student days when she’d shared cramped terraces with future GPs, aspiring QCs and a gaggle of

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arts students, a funny mix. So here she was sharing again: sharing with Ana-Maria, a mature-age student (as if 34 was somehow old!), and now, their first night in the house together. She’d wondered about this moment, ever since agreeing to share her home, so much more spacious than those student digs, always quiet, not sure how she’d feel hearing the loo flush in the night, having someone else in the kitchen after the stillness of the last decade. Of course, she’d been a bit apprehensive, wondering if she’d made the right decision. But she’d never been shy, she’d always loved good conversation, and now, here tonight, with the smell of cooking enticing her through the hall and the scent of something exotic in the air, the connection she’d felt with AnaMaria when they first met seemed stronger and her decision right. She decided to open a bottle of good shiraz to share. And she really must ask the name of that ingredient.

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Great for the joints.

Should Netball Be Our National Sport?

Words Alasdair McClintock Photo Liz Ellis “Cricket is soooo boring!”

“Rugby is a blood sport!” “I’ve no time for Aerial Ping-Pong!”

“Soccer is for pansies!” You’ll hear nearly every big Australian sport cop a spray from someone at some stage, but when was the last time you heard a shot fired at the good name of netball?

Well, I think it’s about time someone did.

Joking! I’d never do such a thing. Heck, I love every sport.

Except UFC, but I’d prefer those folks punched each other than me, so there’s that at least.

It’s fair to say netball is the favourite child of the Aussie family. The genial, good looking (but not too good looking) younger one, who doesn’t have the hang-ups of its siblings and just wants to go about its business, having a merry old time.

According to a very difficult government website to work out, it is the sixth most popular sport in the country, in terms of participation, in either New South Wales, the whole coun52 The Beast May 2019

try, or just children aged from 0-14 years. Smarter people than me can probably work this out very easily, but I did not want to delve further because I got a headache and slightly angry just looking at the page.

But, while the numbers may not fully add up for it to be our national sport, I argue that it holds the dearest spot in our national hearts by default. We all like it. We all smile when we see it. Our national team, the Diamonds, is also very good. They win a lot of things. Which, years gone by, may not have been the biggest deal, but now is like hens’ teeth. They could rename them the Talpids - a naturally occurring mutant chicken with a complete set of nibblers.

The national netball comp, creatively named ‘Suncorp Super Netball’ will be in full swing during May. You should get down to a few games. Although, if you’re a bloke, maybe don’t go alone in a trench coat. You will get some looks. Possibly arrested.

You can also watch a few games live on free-to-air. Channel Nine, to be precise. You know, like most major sports.

Apart from one of the most prominent ones, whose previous and current administrators should all be forced into fulltime lock down and care, because they clearly don’t have the core competencies to function in civilized society, let alone run a major sports code. I’m surprised they can even cross a road.

The Sunshine Coast Lightning are the team to beat.

Back-to-back champions and perhaps a good indicator to the NRL that the Sunshine Coast is a viable spot to house a successful sporting team. But they’d rather flog a dead horse. Good luck to them.

The local sides are in with a shot though. They have more familiar names to the casual fan, being the Giants and the Swifts. It would be nice if we can say the same of the players soon too.

May 2019 Tide Chart Numbers Bureau of Meteorology Tidal Centre Photo Amaury Tréguer Instagram @morningbondi Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

1 0546 1.54 1209 0.53 1825 1.52

2 0026 0628 1244 1900

0.64 1.56 0.50 1.61

9 0531 1135 1709 2340

0.45 1.37 0.65 1.81

Friday

•

0.51 1.57 0.47 1.76

5 0225 0825 1421 2044

10 0630 0.48 1235 1.34 1806 0.71

11 0037 0735 1342 1913

1.75 0.49 1.33 0.74

12 0143 1.71 0841 0.48 1454 1.36 2029 0.74

16 0559 1.70 1215 0.38 1836 1.77

17 0051 0651 1258 1922

18 0144 0742 1340 2006

0.39 1.62 0.42 1.91

19 0233 0831 1420 2048

0.36 1.55 0.48 1.92

25 0016 0718 1321 1840

1.62 0.62 1.26 0.85

26 0107 0810 1420 1945

1.55 0.64 1.27 0.87

0.57 1.58 0.48 1.69

0.43 1.52 0.50 1.86

7 0351 0953 1537 2204

0.42 1.48 0.54 1.86

8 0439 1042 1620 2249

0.43 1.43 0.59 1.85

13 0254 0943 1600 2145

1.69 0.46 1.44 0.69

14 0401 1038 1657 2253

1.70 0.42 1.55 0.61

15 0502 1128 1748 2355

1.70 0.39 1.67 0.52

20 0321 0919 1500 2130

0.37 1.48 0.54 1.90

21 0408 1006 1539 2211

0.41 1.41 0.61 1.85

22 0454 1053 1618 2251

0.46 1.35 0.68 1.78

23 0541 0.52 1139 1.30 1700 0.75 2331 1.70

24 0629 0.58 1228 1.27 1745 0.80

27 0206 0902 1519 2055

1.50 0.63 1.32 0.86

28 0310 0951 1614 2202

1.47 0.61 1.39 0.82

29 0408 1036 1700 2302

1.46 0.59 1.47 0.75

30 0500 1116 1742 2354

31 0547 1.48 1154 0.53 1820 1.66

Bondi's keenest.

Sunday

4 0145 0745 1347 2008

3 0106 0707 1315 1933

6 0306 0907 1458 2122

•

Saturday

1.47 0.56 1.57 0.68

0.44 1.67 0.39 1.86

0.46 1.55 0.48 1.82

•

•

• New Moon • First Quarter • Full Moon • Last Quarter

White lie or self-preservation?

It Wasn’t Me, Your Honour!

Words Jeremy Ireland Photo Alexander Fluff Recently I was sitting on the couch watching TV with my son and our dog. Although he’s still a cute puppy he can cut the cheese with such potency that anyone in the strike zone is left gasping and reeling for cover. On this particular occasion the ‘cheese’ smelt a little different. I looked at the dog, and then to my son who started to laugh. “It was him,” he said, pointing at the dog. As my son’s nose started to grow like Pinocchio’s I couldn’t help but laugh as well, not because of the smell but because of his quick but subtle use of the ‘white lie’.

“Thou shalt not lie” is one of the ten comandments, or more specifically, “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.” It sounds heavy; way too heavy if you measure it up against a kid blaming his fart on the dog. All the same, any lie falls under the banner of deception. In the technical sense, the person lying manipulates information to achieve some end, while the listener evaluates the truthfulness of that information.

A lie, when put pure and simple, is deception by commission; it’s the deliberate presentation of false information.

The reasons we lie vary but they generally fall into two cat-

54 The Beast May 2019

egories; altruistic or self-serving.

In other words, we lie to protect someone or to seek some form of personal gain.

There are generally three types of lie; the white lie, hyperbole (exaggeration) and a flat out bald-faced lie. I suspect all of us have told a lie at some point but it’s the intent behind the lie that carries the weight. Indeed, a wellcrafted white lie can have the same effect as a deliberate fabrication. Typically, though, white lies involve minimal falsification and have limited consequence somehow they don’t seem as bad.

A two year-old kid who claims they haven’t had any cake, even though they have chocolate around their mouth, can actually come across as funny. Similarly, you might say you love your wife’s new dress even though it’s hideous, to protect her feelings.

Exaggeration is a bit more sophisticated. Here, the truth gets stretched and the more the embellishment the higher up it goes on the intensity scale.

The bald-faced lie is definitely the most deceitful. Its impact can be quite emotional, depending on the importance of the relationship between the people involved. Honesty here is key; the more blatant the lie,

the harder it becomes to believe them in the future.

The reasons we lie vary. Selfserving deception is the most damaging. This includes personal gain, exploitation, self-preservation and even teasing when it includes messages that aren’t true. For the compulsive liar the reasons become more complex.

Although pathological lying is not a clinical diagnosis it can be a symptom of some other personality disorder. For the compulsive liar, reasons may include not wanting to give up control, not wanting to disappoint, and actually wanting the lie to be true.

According to Professor Jordan B. Peterson, often what underlies such manipulation and deception is stress and desperation.

Peterson is passionate about truth and states that an untruth, however well meant, can produce unintended consequences.

He goes further: if you say things that are not true then you weaken your character, find yourself in unpleasant situations and ultimately betray others as well as yourself. Eventually deception leads to harm, especially to others, with the big one being a loss of trust - the linchpin in any relationship and very hard to fix once it’s been damaged.

All this sounds dramatic and perhaps a tad preachy but Peterson does have a point; if you find yourself living in a way where your life is not what it could be, try telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth or at least don’t lie.

As for my son, well his little white lie was for the purposes of entertainment, mixed with a feeble attempt to protect his selfimage, so I’ll let him off for that.

And the dog? Well, he’s asleep on his mat, totally oblivious to any of this. Perhaps he has a better understanding of this than anyone.

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Fight for Your Right to Say F*ck In the film Risky Business Tom Cruise’s character is taught by his friend Miles to say, “What the f*ck... if you can’t say it you can’t do it.” Cruise does say it and he does get laid. Great.

But when the censors got their hands on that film they overdubbed the words to, “What the heck,” thus negating the sexual motif of the film and also making no sense. These people should go heck themselves.

F*ck off Billy.

The Unreliable Guide To...

Swearing Words Nat Shepherd Photo Murray Farquhar Australia, land of the “Wherethe-bloody-hell-are-you” tourism campaign, was once a great swearing nation. When I first arrived here in 1996 I heard a session from parliament where one angry pollie stated, “Mr Speaker, let me put it to you that the member for such-andsuch is a lying prick!”

Fantastic, I thought, tell it how it is! I want to live here.

But lately, the teddy bearwaving, potty mouth-fearing guardians of political correctness have clamped down on the glorious vernacular that is our heritage. F*ck that! The Unreliable Guide has some tips and tricks to help you regain your linguistic flair...

Use Swearing Appropriately I come from a long line of quality cursers. Stringing great sentences of oaths together in an entertaining form is something many Poms take pride in.

“Bugger off you bloody sod!” is 56 The Beast May 2019

my mum’s particular favourite when driving. The mighty Stephen Fry asserts that, “Swearing is a really important part of one’s life,” and I agree.

The namby-pamby campaigners against our freedom to say ‘f*ck’ like to assert that swearing is a sign of poor vocabulary. It’s typically quite the opposite, but if you are saying ‘f*ck/c*nt/shit’ every other word then you have totally missed the point and you are debasing the power of these words. An expletive should explode like a firework, not dribble out like diarrhoea.

Here’s an example of sloppy swearing: “So I f*ckin says to the f*cker, what the f*ck do you f*ckin think you’re f*ckin doing?” Where’s the drama in that? The power? Now imagine he’d saved his expletive up for the appropriate moment: “So I said to him, what the f*ck do you think you’re doing?” See? That f*ck is strong.

Swearing Is Good for You Swearing can be abusive, but more often it’s cathartic, used as a response to calamity or pain.

Researchers at Keele University won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2010 for their work on proving that swearing significantly relieves the effects of physical pain. Next time you stub your bastard toe, let the expletives flow. At Stamford University they found a direct correlation between swearing and honesty the more people swear, the less likely they are to tell lies. This may explain why the word ‘oath’ means both ‘solemn promise’ and ‘profane expression’.

Appreciate the Power and Poetry of Swearing The comedian Billy Connolly is famous for swearing, but if you listen to his performances each expletive is chosen with care. He, like Stephen Fry, understands that if words are weapons, swear words are mighty swords, so don’t dull them with overuse.

Take joy in your curses; understand where their explosive power will serve you best.

Finally, The Unreliable Guide suggests that the next time the world is a buggering bastard, or you have to contend with unbridled f*ckwittery, you stand up and yell, “Double f*ck-hell and arse-tits”. I guarantee you will feel better.

A pair of superb fairy wrens leaning in for a peck.

Small Birds Need Big Love Words Vicky Bachelard, Sustainable Waverley Photo Centennial Parklands Years ago, the superb fairy wren was a common sight in our gardens. Now, only if you’re lucky can you catch a glimpse of these little blue beauties in the shrubs along our coast. Sadly this is the case for many native small birds.

Why are small native birds so important?

These small birds are natural pest controllers for our gardens and play an important role in the balance of our ecosystem. Plus, their sweet song and the males’ bright blue plumage are a delight to our senses and our neighbourhoods.

Australia is currently topping the chart in worldwide extinction rates. We all need to play our part to protect the creatures that live among us.

Why are they disappearing?

According to ecologist Renée Ferster Levy, it’s a matter of shrinking habitats in our cities.

“These beautiful, tiny fairywrens are one of the few small bird species remaining in our urban areas,” she said. “However, their population is shrinking as they don’t have enough safe space to shelter, feed and build their nests”.

Waverley Council’s Urban Ecology Manager, Sue Stevens, said modern garden designs with an emphasis on strappyleaved plants and low diversity of species are the root cause of the disappearance of small birds.

They provide little in the way of food resources and protection from predators such as cats and currawongs.

“Small birds need to hide in dense hedges or shrubs that reach all the way down to the ground and grow higher than one metre,” Ms Stevens said.

“Contrary to popular belief, just ‘going native’ is not always helpful. Not all native plants are equal in the eyes of a small bird.

Large-flowered plants like hybrid grevilleas with their showy flowers attract gangs of ‘bully birds’ like Noisy Miners. These bullies take over the territories of smaller birds, which are unable to defend themselves and have nowhere to hide.”

What can we do to help out our feathered neighbours?

Here are Ms Ferster Levy’s top tips to help small birds and provide a safe space in our gardens:

1. Fill in bare spaces and edges of your garden with dense, local native plants. A diversity of species that flower at different times attract tiny insects for them to eat.

2. Add a bird bath or small pond but make sure it has shrubs next to it for a quick getaway.

3. Use mulch in your garden beds and avoid pesticides. If you attract wrens and other tiny animals like skinks, you will have natural pest control.

4. Inspire your neighbours. If they each plant a similar patch, a safe corridor will develop, giving the small birds the best chance to recolonise.

If you live in Bronte or Tamarama and have a house with a garden, you can join Waverley Council’s Living Connections program. You will get advice on creating a small bird-friendly garden, along with free plants and resources. Contact vicky.bachelard@waverley.nsw.gov. au for more information.

May 2019 The Beast 57

Pete and his 12-string guitar.

To Everything There Is a Season Words Dr Marjorie O’Neill Photo Sommer Sova Over the past few weeks it would have been difficult not to have experienced the changing of the seasons. It felt like the longest, hottest and driest summer ever came to an almost brutal end.

As March came to a close, over three consecutive days we went from bare arms and glaring sun to pouring rain and cold. Temperatures locally ranged from a high of 40 degrees to a low of just 13 within a matter of weeks.

Now that daylight saving is over, the signs of the changing season are everywhere; shirts replaced by jumpers, closed shoes substituted for sandals, slow cooked cuts in the Lucas Meats window - even the warm buns and soups are gently elbowing the salads out of the way. Walking - and exercise generally - has become much easier for most of us and the footy season is well underway. Easter eggs are everywhere and low flying aircraft are descending into the strong, westerly headwinds over Coogee to land - nothing says autumn in the East like an A380 just above your head!

I can’t experience the changing of seasons without finding myself humming to the beat of Pete Seeger’s 1950s classic, ‘Turn! Turn! Turn! (To Everything There Is a Season)’.

This song really evokes a little

58 The Beast May 2019

nostalgia - even melancholy with a strong kick of humility and acceptance. “Today’s winner may be tomorrow’s loser.” It is a great song! Weirdly enough, the lyrics are traditionally attributed to King Solomon back in ancient times and there are even scholars who believe it was written as early as the 3rd century BC - good pop songwriters aren’t just a thing of the 20th century!

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven; A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, a time to reap that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Speaking of changing seasons, and changings of the guard, I

am so very grateful to the people of Coogee for electing me to represent them in the NSW State Parliament. Regardless of your political persuasion, I promise to do the very best I can to represent every one of you. As my dad always said to me, “You might not win every battle, but it’s important you fight the good fight”.

Speaking of Dad, I am extremely grateful to all those people who selflessly worked to help me win the election and who, just 24 hours after the polls closed, began to support my family and I after the passing of our most loved Brian William O’Neill.

Many of you knew Dad and many more of you know various members of my amazing family who found the strength to work for my election despite the sad times we were privately living.

Brian believed in living life.

He wanted flowers at his funeral and he sure got them! He believed in many things including his Irish Catholicism, the Labor Party, the various footy teams he followed and of course his family. One thing he didn’t take too seriously, true to his dry Irishinherited sense of humour, was himself. He insisted Eric Idle’s ‘Always Look On The Bright Side of Life’ was played as we wandered out of the church and bade him farewell. Brian brought plenty of cheery smiles to sad faces right until the very end.

Later, as I cleared my summer wardrobe with the Life of Brian theme giving way in my head to ‘To Everything There Is a Season’, I came across the much less quoted final verse, an abstract of which I would like to paraphrase: “There is nothing better, than that men and women should rejoice in their own works!” As the seasons and times change, and as Brian taught me, now is the time for us to rejoice in our achievements and for me to get back to some hard work!

Dr Marjorie O’Neill is the State Member for Coogee.

The views expressed here are her own.

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Authentic Italian at its best.

Elva - Getting Back to My Roots Words Joel Bevilacqua Photo Crissy Gilbert With my pasty white skin, green eyes and pitiful lack of style, you would never pick it, but the truth is I’ve actually got a fair bit of Italian blood flowing through my veins. Given my roots, I just had to check out the latest instalment to Bondi Road’s growing food hub, Elva Osteria.

Elva is a joint project between Bondi local and restaurateur Nick Gilbert and Michael Stevens from Baccomatto Osteria. The pair bonded over their penchant for classic Italian food and both Italian and Australian wines. Their shared love has gifted us with Elva Osteria, an Italian restaurant and wine bar that brings an inner city feel to the Bondi strip.

After a quiet few years, Bondi Road is now experiencing something of a renaissance.

The renovation of The Royal and the recent openings of Carbòn Mexican Wood Fire, Ode and Elva have complemented pre-existing establishments like Sefa Kitchen and Stuffed Beaver to form a vibrant hub of quality restaurants and bars.

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Elva pays homage to the history of the site, getting its name from Elva Tesoriero, who owned the building in the ‘50s.

Elva still lives down the road from the building that once housed her family’s fruit shop and she is apparently delighted to be the osteria’s namesake.

The building’s interior has been transformed with a leather banquette, marble bar, waxed walls and feature lighting to provide a relaxed yet elegant atmosphere. An open kitchen showcases Elva’s team of chefs doing their thing and the chef’s table allows the guests seated around it to soak up the buzz of the kitchen.

Co-owner Nick Gilbert owns Vacanza Pizzeria in Charing Cross and Surry Hills, but surprisingly you won’t find any pizzas on Elva’s menu. Instead you’ll find authentic handmade pasta - used to make my spaghetti frutti di mare with prawns, calamari and vongole mushrooms, and a rigatoni con ragu with veal and porcini mushrooms. These dishes were

preceded by a number of items from the extensive antipasti section. My standouts here were the beef carpaccio with rich gorgonzola dolce and a mouthwatering baked cacciotella with oregano and chestnut honey.

Elva also have a salumeria menu, perfect for an afternoon graze. Take a seat at the marble bar and enjoy a selection of formaggi and salumi with an Aperol Spritz in hand. On the dessert menu you will find classics like the tiramisu, a panna cotta with summer fruits, and of course a selection of sorbet and gelato. It goes without saying that there is plenty of Italian vino on hand to wash it all down.

Elva will soon be adding an old school Italian Deli so that locals can pop in and buy a range of products including fresh slices of the same divine salumi and formaggi served in the osteria. The team also love to host private lunches and you can book out the entire venue to celebrate with friends over an Italian feast.

Regrettably, I am yet to visit my grandfather’s birth country, and the current status of my bank account suggests it may be some time before I get the opportunity. Until then, I’m quite happy visiting Elva whenever I need my Italiano fix and I recommend you do the same.

Elva www.elvabondi.com.au Address 277 Bondi Road, Bondi Facebook Elva Instagram elvabondi Phone 02 9130 1501 Open Tues-Fri 6pm-late and Sat-Sun 5pm-late Prices $29 for pasta, $20$30 for antipasti and $14 for dessert Cards Master, Visa, Amex Licensed Yes

DAVE Psychodrama Label Neighbourhood Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  I immediately took a shine to this bloke when I saw his name was simply Dave. Not Li’l Dave, Dollar$ Dave or even David Rappinborough. Just Dave. Perfect. My interest was further piqued when I read he was being touted as the English equivalent to Kendrick Lamar. So, I came in hot, with high expectations and Dave did not disappoint. He’s not quite King Kendrick (yet), but neither am I, so I’m not going to hold that against him, just his publicist. Get on the Davey train now, folks. It’s going to be one hell of a ride.

FLUME Hi This Is Flume

Film Review Title Breaking Habits Genre Documentary Reviewer Linda Heller-Salvador Who would have thought you could make a winning documentary containing nonreligious nuns, guns, medicinal cannabis, drug cartels and closed-minded government officials, but director/writer Rob Ryan (Human Race) has done just that in his intriguing and controversial debut feature documentary, Breaking Habits.

When high-flying corporate executive Christine Meeusen was left penniless after her perfect American-dream-life came to an end thanks to a thieving bigamist husband, she reimaged herself as Sister Kate and gathered together a group of progressive, like-minded women to form a sisterhood. Calling themselves ‘Sisters Of The Valley’ their mission was to grow medicinal cannabis and make CBD oil to assist people with life-threatening illnesses and chronic pain.

Whether you agree or disagree with the contemporary subject matter, this is a film that everyone should see. It will definitely incite conversation, which will hopefully lead to people realising it’s not about whether it is legal or not but about the people who get relief from suffering.

64 The Beast May 2019

Label Future Classic Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  I don’t really know what’s going on here. Flume is “experimenting” now, apparently, but I already thought he was? Is it just an excuse for the lack of radio-friendly bangers? Possibly. He has certainly earned the right to do whatever he wants, but I can’t imagine I’ll be dropping any of these when the whiskey-mist takes over on New Year’s Eve (the one time I allow myself to party now) and I feel like bopping. It’s good, I suppose, but only if you’re into electronic music as an art form and not just something to get munted and dance to.

FOALS

Everything Not Saved Will Be Lost - Part 1 Label Liberation Records Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  Foals’ last album almost made me weep with joy. This one, not so much. It’s good, but it was never going to be as good. If it had, geez Louise, I’d be sending them frequent love notes begging them to start a cult and have me as a starting member. Thankfully though, things don’t need to get so weird. It’s a slower burn than usual, but if you were hoping for something new you will be disappointed. It’s pretty much exactly what you’d expect from a Foals album. Whether that’s a positive or not, well, that’s up to you, but I think it is.

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ACROSS 1. Plato’s job (11) 7. Designer of corrective lenses (8) 8. Long-faced animal (5) 9. Rower’s tools of the trade (4) 10. Scarface writer, Oliver ... (5) 11. A fraudulent practice (4) 12. Support (3) 13. Hairdresser’s workplace (5) 14. Licence conferring a right or title (6) 16. Hotel, motel, Holiday ... (3) 17. Public relations (1,1) 18. An otorhinolaryngologist

may examine your ... (3) 19. Highest ranked army people, Field ... (8) DOWN 1. Image capturer (12) 2. Language translator (11) 3. Conductor of scientific research (9) 4. Urban beggar (10) 5. Appears in the background of a movie (5) 6. Donald Trump’s job (9) 12. Muppets drummer (6) 15. US space agency (1,1,1,1) 17. Liquid produced in infected tissue (3)

Trivial Trivia Words Cameron Anderson Photo Amaury Tréguer Instagram morningbondi 1. What are the names of all of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s biological children?

2. Who was the first Aussie chick to win an Olympic gold medal?

3. Which two countries does the Bering Strait separate?

4. What animal appears on the Toblerone box?

5. Which brand has the slogan “It's moments like these you need ...”?

6. Which two people have tied for winning the most Gold Logies?

7. Which electronics brand launched the first phone with apps?

8. Tony Abbott was upset about the 2017 NRL Grand Final half time performance by which US rapper?

9. How much were Australian troops famously paid in WWI? 10. Which fifth-generation Eastern Suburbs local is our new State Member for Coogee?

Walk the line.

May 2019 The Beast 65

CANCER JUN 22-JUL 22 Owning two chickens and a KeepCup does not make you environmentally ‘woke’ when you eat, breathe and shit every day.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 23-DEC 21 It’s never too cold to jump in the ocean. Stop being a tightarse and buy that new wetsuit you’ve been deliberating over.

LEO JUL 23-AUG 22 Don’t be afraid to deliver a reprimand every now and then.

If someone’s being an arsehole, they deserve to know.

CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 20 Trying to get an early night is pointless when you lie awake for hours anyway. Who needs sleep when you’ve got crystal meth?

Visions Beardy from Hell

VIRGO AUG 23-SEP 23 The key to failure is trying to please everyone, thus the key to success is not giving a f*ck about anyone.

AQUARIUS JAN 21-FEB 19 You are special and deserve special privileges, so show zero courtesy and continue driving like the spoilt, selfish toff you are.

TAURUS APR 21-MAY 21 No one gives a f*ck which school you went to; all that matters is how much money your parents have.

LIBRA SEP 24-OCT 23 An old flame will return to your life and turn your world upside down, but things are always better the right way up.

PISCES FEB 20-MAR 20 Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless thy neighbour submits a DA to build a nicer house than yours - then the gloves are off.

GEMINI MAY 22-JUN 21 Someone, somewhere, is hatching an elaborate scheme to separate you from your assets.

You need to stay on your toes.

SCORPIO OCT 24-NOV 22 It doesn’t matter how good you appear from the outside, if your junk is a mess no one will go near it.

ARIES MAR 21-APR 20 If someone lets their dog shit on your lawn and doesn’t pick it up, it’s your divine right to smear it on their face.

Star Signs

Trivial Trivia Solutions

1. Shiloh, Vivienne, Knox 2. Fanny Durack 3. Russia and USA 4. A bear 5. Minties 6. Graham Kennedy and Ray Martin (5) 7. IBM 8. Macklemore 9. ‘6 bob a day’ (6 shillings) 10. Marjorie O'Neill

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Friday 24 May 2019 10am-12.30pm Coogee Beach

Celebrate Australia’s rich cultural heritage as Aboriginal dancers share their stories through traditional performances.

Experience a ceremonial Corroboree and join us in taking the next steps in our nation’s reconciliation journey.

Arrive at 10am to take part in a boomerang masterclass, didgeridoo playing workshop, jewellery making, shell art workshop or face painting.

1300 722 542 randwick.nsw.gov.au

BONDI 6 T HE SWEE T ES T C US H I ON

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