The
Beestonian So here it is, Merry Christmas, witty articles and puns
Issue no.
33
Beeston:
Can You Dig It? ….Yes you can, especially if your name is National Grid. 2014 was a year that saw Beeston definitely live up to its reputation as Most Interesting Town in Britain. The tram was delayed; the Square ripped down and dug up; Oxjam became bigger than ever; and the town continued it’s mission to keep things busy for any magazine that decides to write about it. Thanks for that Beeston. We’ll invoice you for the shoe leather you’ve cost us. What does 2015 bring us? We have a comprehensive, if not totally sane, series of predictions on the centre pages. One thing we
do know is that the tram is due completion around June. After previous delays, it isn’t cynical to suggest this might not happen, but as the track is now all in position and now roads and pavements need to be put back in place, we are far from over the most annoying bits. Beeston will look less like a building site. Well, for a while. The Square is hardly the most ambitious development, but it is an improvement of the grim mess that was the former precinct. As readers of our Facebook page will know, Wilkos are strongly rumoured to be moving back in (at the time of writing they still haven’t formally announced their return; get on with it, home-
ware teasers!); and the rest of the units have been snapped up. A recent council meeting at the Town Hall, discussing Beeston Town Centre, revealed that Beeston is now in the sights of several major national retailers, and is viewed on the commercial property scene as highly desirable. This has led the council to retain land it owns that it would normally shed itself of (such as the former market on Willoughby Street, now covered in what looks like Triffids). Good news, as it suggests there is great optimism about Beeston post-tramworks, and bodes well for future development. Continued on page 2...
Beeston: Can You Dig It? (ctd.)
W
hat of future development? The second stage of the Post Office will be dug up within weeks of it being put in the Square development will soon be on the place. agenda, and for the last year Beeston For the next Continuum group have been working with National Grid have booked six months to do the work. the University of Nottingham Built Environment While some of it may be contingency, and the work will stage of the Square, be done well within this time frame, we can expect a Department and others to come up with ideas to fill let’s ensure it’s what considerable period of disruption, hard hats and hi-vis, what will be a significant area ripe for development. just as we seemed to be moving to rather less disruptive Another public meeting of the Continuum is loosely WE, as Beestonians, times. scheduled for early 2015, we will keep you informed.
want.
It is clear one thing we are wanting to avoid is the curse of top-down development that leaves little room for the desires of the people who have to live with the results. While all planning passes through stages of public consultancy, this is flawed as there is little room to generate ideas around what the public want. Instead you’re forced to choose between what is often two evils. For the next stage of the Square, let’s ensure it’s what WE, as Beestonians, want. Top-down development is going to impact heavily on Beeston very soon however, with very little warning. National Grid gave notice to Beeston recently that they will be digging up Beeston Square, from Oban house to the HSBC, and from the band-stand to the bus station. This is due to discovering the gas pipes that lay below are in a pretty appalling state, and need replacing. Why this work not factored in during the tram / Square redevelopment works, we do not know. Instead, we have a situation where new paving being lain outside
There is little we can do to oppose this; it would have to happen soon anyway. National Grid also seem to have carte blanche to dig up anywhere, anytime; with very little notice. While it won’t help us here, asking our elected leaders to look into changing the law to make them work with, rather than against communities would be a welcome step. What we can do is make sure National Grid know we’re unhappy, and demand that the works are done with speed; a minimal amount of inconvenience; and by keeping Beestonians fully informed of developments. Hopefully then, sometime in mid-2015, we will have a town that looks good, with a tram system running through it and the memories of the trenches, fences and closed roads a fading memory. Happy Christmas Beeston, and we’ll try and keep you informed, entertained and picking out typos deep into 2015. LB
The University of
Beestonia H
ow the West Bridgford is it December already? The Autumn term has flown by again, and with 10 days left to go as I write this the pressure seems to be on for staff and students alike.
an opportunity to toast success or analyse where things might have gone wrong
Coursework deadlines are hitting hard and fast, and even though they’ve been there, unmoving, for months they still seem to come as quite a shock to some; be it in the rush to get work in on time or the arrival of a pile of marking on the desk. It’s all badly planned really, given the need to celebrate festively at the same time. For Universities everywhere this December also sees the publishing of the results from the latest Research Excellence Framework (REF). This is the periodic ranking of departments and institutions based on their research activity; the quality of the research they do and the impact it has had, especially beyond academia. Results are published on the 18th December and it’s an opportunity to toast success or analyse where things might have gone wrong. It will also impact on some of the funding Universities get from government each year.
The results are key for planning for the next few years ahead, in terms of budgets and strategies for prioritising different types of research. It will be an interesting few days as the results sink in, especially as it’s over a year now since the paperwork was all submitted. Having seen the amount of material that has to be reviewed it’s not a surprise it takes this long to process everything from all universities.
On a personal note the end of term means I’ve nearly done a year as a lecturer and a Dad. As many Beestonians will know, given the number of children and academics I see around the place, this has been an interesting and at times challenging experience. We’re lucky that we have a happy and healthy baby who it is a joy to watch grow up, but work life balance issues are different now to what they were 12 months ago! Wishing you all a peaceful and happy end to 2014. Prof J
Story I
Telling
n these modern times when we’re bombarded by information from all quarters, via our mobiles, social media and a billion telly channels, getting back to one of the most ancient entertainments; story telling; seems strangely like a real luxury.
Mike Payton We met with a local professional storyteller to hear about his craft. Are you sitting comfortably? Then we’ll begin…
Beestonian Mike Paynton caught that mood a few years ago. ‘I’d been living in Mexico, teaching English in schools. They had few resources there, a shortage of books. So I began telling stories to the kids to help them learn. I enjoyed it, tinkering with the stories each time, learning how to grab their attention. There is a strong oral culture in Mexico. I realised how effective it could be’.
After returning to the UK in 2008, Mike felt the need to develop this previously unrealised talent. He began investigating other story tellers, eventually working with the Storytelling Café in Matlock (which he now coruns), gathering fans and winning awards for his creative tales.
them home thinking. There is an etiquette to stories, that tellers pass on their stories. Strong stories thus survive, often for hundreds of years’.
It’s true. Our own local legend Robin Hood is a product of stories passed down well before they were set down on paper (and in bringing things full circle, Tim Pollard, Nottingham’s Official Robin Hood and Prog Apologist is also an accomplished story teller himself). The tales of Hans Christian Anderson and the Grimm Brothers had wild lives well before they were polished and sanitised into the U- rated tales we know now. Even one of the internet’s chief currencies, the urban myth, are often nothing more than extremely good stories that endure by word of mouth (and now, Twitter), updating the cast and the setting, but with the same story skeleton to hang new flesh on. What Richard the Lionheart did with a hamster was being scurrilously passed around well before Richard Gere was even born. We are all made of stories.
If you think this is just for kids, you might be surprised. ‘Adults bring their Following a hugely popular ‘Day of the Dead’ storytelling event at the kids expecting to have no involvement, but they quickly become Flying Goose back in October, Mike will be holding a storytelling evening at The White Lion, Beeston, with another renowned Beeston-based immersed. Story telling transcends age, it involves us all. We all love storyteller, Tim Ralphs, on Wednesday 10th December a good story; we love conversation, relish anecdotes. These things bond us. A storyteller can work a tale organically, between 7.30 – 9.45pm. Tickets available at tim.ralphs@gmail.com, or directly from The White Lion. taking in account his audience, the ambience of the area We are all they are in, working off the audience as it goes. It’s like made of ‘We’re hoping to make it a permanent fixture, once a seeing a band play live rather than just listening to the CD. month. There seems to be a real taste for it.’ The oral tradition of storytelling thrives on vibrancy, stories. invention, exploration’. We agree. Put down your ‘phone, switch off your tab. Go and immerse yourself in a live story, and rediscover a tradition that What makes a good story? ‘Stories are subject to evolution; to never went away, just got drowned out a bit. put it bluntly, the crap ones don’t survive. The good ones are gems, polished over times by the tellers. I personally like crazy, morally Mike Payton ambiguous tales, stories that draw a reaction from the audience and sends
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NEWS FROM TRAM
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51%
*
*Percentage of people who view your website on a mobile device. Your customers are already mobile friendly. Are you? bigidea-creative.co.uk
THE BIG IDEA PAINT IT BRIGHT
Twice Bitten 2
nd Bite is a Nottingham based art collective consisting of three friends, two from Beeston and the other from the town, and their latest exhibition is on show at the Beeston Library from December 6th to January 16th. Chris Frost and I were in attendance at the preview. The atmosphere was pleasant, the room filled with family, friends and local press, all eager to get their first glimpses of the collective and their art.
The Beestonian was invited to attend the launch of a new art exhibition at Beeston Library. Christian Fox and Christopher Frost went along to see what was going on.
cabinet works. Inside a glass case were three carved wooden arms, each with the internal nervous system in bright almost neon colours. I couldn’t help but think about the piece in that moment representing the artists themselves, putting their blood into their work, revealing themselves, putting it all on show. Andy’s cabinet installations, wood carvings
Rebecca McQueen, Andy Staveley and Richard Sandell seemed delighted by the response so far as they posed for a photograph for Chris, standing beside one of Andy’s
Finally Rebecca presents a series of almost forensic photographs, the subject; a dead, or dying, baby bird. I think I found these the most compelling. Rebecca’s use of colour was brilliant, capturing the budding plumage of the baby bird which will never fully develop. The plain white background encourages us to think of the setting as sterilised and removed, but the vivid detail, the surprising colours, reveal a morbid beauty. However ultimately the exhibition isn’t about these artists individually, but as a collective. Do their pieces work together? I encourage you to go to see the exhibition and decide for yourself. Christopher Frost
mostly with bright tinselly colours highlighting detail – one showing arms, another a brain, another the weather system – were somewhat elusive to me, but intriguing nonetheless. The influence of computer animation, Andy’s day job, is clear but he takes it to a new level. Similarly Richard has taken stark and candid photography of swimmers in their suits and caps. The palette is suitably washed out, pale skin sometimes receding into the white tile walls of the background. In spite of the drab colours and impersonal postures of the subjects a certain humanity does shine out of each character.
So, let me get this straight...
SLURP! Yup.
I went away on holiday... and you became a SUPERHERO?
God. You’re lucky you weren’t arrested.
JESUS DAVE!
Shhhhh! It’s ‘The Beest’
JANUARY
FEBRUARY
Snow coats Beeston for most of the month. Attenborough Nature reserve reports its first ever sighting of an Emperor Penguin, fishing off the Delta. Beeston weir freezes over, leading to some incredible tobogganing displays. A Frost Fair kicks off on the ice, with celebrity butcher and Beestonian Johnny Pustzai roasting whole cows over a massive fire. Festivities are disturbed when Cliftonians spot this new passage across the Trent, invade, and try and force Jake Bugg songs onto the stereo, and push deeper into town. They retreat back to NG11 when they notice that our tramworks are in a considerably worst state than theirs.
It’s a quiet month in Beeston, livened up by announcements that the tram will be running in April. The Beestonian runs its most controversial article yet, when it asks ‘Who’d win in a fight: Bendigo or Edwin Starr. Debate rages across Beeston, with Team Bendigo pointing out that as a professional fighter, it would easily be Bendigo; while Team Starr argue that their contender was infused by soul power, and had the finest smoothest dance floor moves to dodge whatever Bendigo threw at him.
JUNE NET announce a further delay on the tram completion due to the unforeseen consequence of a new version of Angry Birds being released on the iPhone. Shock news from Somerset as boss of Glastonbury Festival, dairy farmer Michael Eavis, cancels this year’s festival after stating that compared to Oxjam Beeston, his event was ‘a bit shit’.
JULY A heatwave grips Beeston, and the new square looks in trouble after it melts and is found in a globby mess down by Middle Street. Attenborough Nature Reserve reports an invasion of cacti displacing the native foliage. Professor Martyn Poliakoff, head of the UN –appointed emergency local-fighter cloning body, announces that their new creations are nearly complete, with just extensive sideburn-construction on both Starr and Bendigo to go. The tram gets pushed back to September.
Illustration by: Mouni Feddag
AUGUST A combination of the students being away, most of Beeston on holiday, and the Crown knocking ten pence off the price of its ale leads to the footfall measuring machine registering a record low of 100 one weekday. Shops do well, however, as this was a particularly affluent centipede – boom-tish. At the Cannes Film Festival, Shane Meadows' new film, ‘This is Beeston’ wins the the Palme D’or for Best Film About An East Midlands Suburb. Spielberg, there to show his new blockbuster ‘Wollaton Park’, which probably has dinosaurs and a stuffed giraffe in it, admits to being ‘gutted’.
MARCH
MAY
The first signs of spring are apparent when the tram workers downgrade to six tog duvets. The newly opened Beeston Square is now complete, with a branch of Harrods joining Jasper Conran, Tiffanys and BM Bargains. After the Bendigo vs Starr argument threatens to develop into all out civil war, the UN step in, asking Beeston’s top boffins to clone the fighters so a live bout could be held to settle the matter once and for all.
Election fever grabs the town with both the council and MP up for the public vote. Promises made include ‘Free wi-fi across town, with a free state of the art iPad for every resident’; ‘more otters at Attenborough Nature Reserve’; ‘the Beeman to be renovated: in SOLID GOLD’; ‘Beeston Carnival to borrow all the stuff from Alton Towers for one day’; and most unbelievably of all ‘Tram works to be completed in June’. The UKIP candidate gets confused while canvassing and sends himself back home; after failing to prove his lineage to the prehistoric settlements that Beeston grew from.
APRIL Crowds flock to be the first to ride the new tram when it is opened on the first day of the month; only to find they have been duped into an incredibly elaborate April Fool joke involving pretend tram tracks painted onto the road, and a cardboard tram being driven by hidden dogs. A few hours later, NET announce the actual opening date will be June, and leave the scene unscathed.
NOVEMBER SEPTEMBER The tram arrives at last, but has to close after just an hour in service when dozens of new University of Nottingham students jump on board with invalid tickets and crash the whole system. NET announce it will remain closed until someone can find the original boot-up disc, or download a pirate copy off of the internet.
In a grand ceremony, Beeston’s top boffins unveil their year’s work; cloned versions of Edwin Starr and Bendigo. A rapt public gather to finally find out who would win in a fight, but are left disappointed when Bendigo announces he renounced fighting when he found god; and Starr nails similar patriotic colours to his mast by asking the crowd ‘War. Uh huh huh. What is it good for?’ After concluding ‘absolutely nothing’, the crowd disperse and go home.
OCTOBER In a shock announcement, the Rolling Stones announce that they are splitting up after playing Beeston Oxjam 2015 ‘We done some gigs in our time’ says fleshy lipped, wiggly hipped Mick Jagger ‘But that blew it all away. We done it, man, and we’re quitting’. Bandmate Keith Richards is later found sprawled in a tram-ditch behind Chilwell Road after attempting to snort a line of salt he nicked from Gill’s Chippy.
DECEMBER The tram finally arrives, only to find everybody is now getting around by jetpack. Clone Edwin Starr and Clone Bendigo grab the Christmas Number One Spot with their version of ‘War’. The Beestonian magazine runs an article on how correct its predictions were the year before; and peace reigns on the town as it slips into 2016.
Going Wild Y
in Beeston
es, Beeston Rylands really is the Centre of the World when it comes to wildlife appreciation!
Mike Spencer, of Beeston Wildlife Group, gives us an update on the hordes of celebs descending on the town to talk all things wild…
Since last I had the pleasure, nay honour, to address you, dear reader of this inestimable journal, the gang at the Beeston Wildlife Group have had Golden Eagles and Tree Hugging on the agenda down at the Infants School of a Monday evening. And talk about class speakers! Two Doctors no less; Doc Fielding the world’s greatest expert on Golden Eagles (well compared to me he is!); and that great bon viveur of everything natural, the eccentrically bewhiskered Doctor Patrick Harding telling us everything we ever needed to know about trees. It doesn’t end there, between writing this note and it hitting the streets (that’s a journalistic term I’ve picked up recently) Chris Packham, he off the telly, will have graced the stage of the Pearson Centre to chat with an adoring audience of his fans. Watch out for further reports about this epic night in coming editions of this journal.
While I’m about it, I must share this one with you. You may have heard of an actress (or is that “actor” in these non-discriminatory PC days) called Angelina Jolie. You may even, if you’re up to speed with the celeb in-scene like what your correspondent is, know that in Hollywood (that’s USofA) she uttered a phrase first coined somewhere between Dunkirk Bridge and Beeston Square - and don’t believe anything different from any disgruntled Long Eatonites. Quick as you like, and always after a bit of high profile (free) advertising, Tim Sexton of the Attenborough Nature Centre popped Angelina a Nottinghamshire Wildlife T-shirt in the post. Under the picture of a cartoon Mallard - that’s a duck - are emblazoned the immortal words ”Aye Up Mi Duck”! Today Beeston, tomorrow Hollywood – crikey! Mike Spencer www.facebook.com/beestonwildlife
The
GREY MATTER 1. Which form of clean 'transport' do Norwegians hide away somewhere in the house on Christmas Eve as a precautionary measure? 2. Who wrote each of the following words? a. "It was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge" b. "Maybe Christmas he thought, doesn’t come from a store"
televised Christmas message to the nation'? 6. In which European country do malicious creatures called Kallikantzaroi get up to mischief around Christmas? 7. Which percentage of Americans don’t celebrate Christmas at all ? a 4% b. 10% or c. 18%
3. What kind of animal delivers gifts at Christmas in Syria?
8. Who composed the music for the festive season ballet 'The Nutcracker'?
4. On which three feast 'days' do Americans consume the most food?
9. Plus or minus one year, how long does it take a Scotch Pine Christmas tree to reach a typical retail height of 6 to 7 feet?
5. Plus or minus one year, when did Queen Elizabeth II deliver her first '
Russia during the festive season? 11. Due to new laws in most western countries, why would the St Nick in the poem 'A visit from Saint Nicholas (T'was the night before Christmas.......) be breaking the law when delivering gifts in most public places ? 12 Due to an Act of Parliament Christmas was effectively banned in England for 16 long years. This included all festivities, even the attendance of Mass or a church service. Plus or minus 25 years, when did this Scrooge or Grinch like catastrophe take place? 13 Which 'embassy employee' toy was on many a boys Christmas list in 1964-65 ?
10. Which two figures deliver gifts in
JAMES BOND 'ATTACHE' CASE. (TODAY THEY ARE COLLECTORS ITEMS, ONE WAS SOLD ON EBAY IN 2005 FOR 1,025.00 US DOLLARS OR 560 POUNDS !) FROST (DEDUSHKA MOROZ)/ MOST PUBLIC PLACES NOW HAVE STRICT ANTI SMOKING RULES. THE ST NICK IN THE POEM SMOKES ON THE JOB./1644/5. THE THANKSGIVING DAY AND SUPERBOWL SUNDAY/1957/GREECE/CIRCA 4 %/TCHAIKOVSKY/7 YEARS/LITTLE SNOWFLAKE (SNEGUROCHKA) AND GRANDFATHER ANSWERS: BROOMS (IN ORDER TO KEEP THE WITCHES AWAY)/ A. CHARLES DICKENS, B. DR. SEUSS/CAMEL (ONE OF THE WISE MENS CAMELS)/CHRISTMAS DAY,
Beeston Carollers by Ross Parish
F
orward from Joe Earp
I am taking a break from this issue of the Beestonian. Before you ask, no, I haven't given up writing for The Beestonian; and no, I have not been put off by the over-extended tram works!
The reason for my absence this issue is to allow my good friend Ross Parish to submit his article on the Beeston Carollers and hopefully get us all in the Christmas spirit. Step in Ross, and lead the way: Yorkshire tradition Oddly, Beeston, a small town now part of the Nottingham conurbation, has its own tradition of unique carols said to have been passed down from generation to generation from Yorkshire weavers who settled here in the 1800s. The Beeston Chilwell road Methodist carol choir have continued the tradition since 1870, at first as a male-only choir, and then including women after the First World War. Despite being part of the so-called Yorkshire carol tradition, recent research has revealed the carols originate from Leicestershire, Derbyshire as well as Yorkshire. Indeed, one of these carols, ‘Angels from the Realms of Glory’, is the most local, being written by William Matthews, a Nottingham composer in the early nineteenth century. Originally, they would probably only sing on Christmas Eve, as Bill Spray recalls in the 1900s from an article on the custom: “They didn’t start to 8 o’clock and they went on to 2 in the morning. I used to go with my father and my brother and sister who were both older. Mother stayed at home and finished off the Christmas baking. Some of the singing was done in the streets, but in the main it was at the big houses, of which there were very many in Beeston at the time. We usually sang at least two carols at every place we visited. After midnight we would probably do no more knocking on doors, but one of our members would go out the next morning to the houses which we hadn’t collected. One feature was that immediately after midnight we always sang Christian’s Awake. We always finished in Beeston square and always sang an anthem. The words were from the Book of Isaah; Behold the Virgin shall conceive and bear a son...there were about 20 or 30 of us.” It is interesting that in later years the proclamation of the Gospel was more important than collecting money, today perhaps there has been a reversal, where money is collected for charity. In the days of Bill Spray the money collected was for themselves, as he himself noted:
"My father and grandfather belonged to a carol choir in Beeston called the Combined Choir and they used to go out mainly to the large houses and they collected for themselves...In those days wages were very, very low. There was no paid holiday. So when Christmas was coming they knew they would lose. They would have a short week for Christmas week. And so they used to go out and collect their poor wages and compensate for the lack of any wage over the Christmas period." Interestingly, despite the black out, the carollers continued during World War II, although they did make note of the locations of all the air raid shelters. Again, as in the World War I, the male section was reduced, but older men were utilized to ‘balance the harmonies’. Hark..mine’s a pint! One of the main fixtures of the carol season is their singing in a local pub, currently the Crown. This may seem an unusual place for a carol service, but despite a few bemused looks the idea appeared to be a popular one. I arrived there with one minute to go to the starting time and with a whisper around about the choice of carol, the pub erupted in song. An incredible melodic sound filled the pub as the majority of people their joined in. Fundamental to this performance was the choir master who sat central to the group and like a conductor of a grand orchestra was fully enraptured by the experience and his arms flailed about with great gusto. At the start of each carol, he produced a rough piece of paper with the running order and a harmonica to set the pitch and sending the message around often like a strange code with special words being used for the arrangements. In some cases the names were very cryptic, but the carols would be well known if he tunes not, as I explain below. The group were a mix of different ages and voices. One man said he was a newcomer and then related he had been in the group since the 1990s: such is the strength of the choir’s continuity. I was informed that the singing in pubs was a fairly recent invention, starting only a few years since in another pub, the Hop-pole, as a warmer alternative to the street walks. A local remix “Although many of the carols of today were sung in the past for example Hark the Herald Angels sing and While Shepherds watched different tunes were used” Nothing is new. Modern popular music often steals older basslines or instrumental tracks, fuse new songs onto them, and make new tracks, others remix and rearrange popular classics.
This in a way describes many of the well-known carols sung by the choir. On paper we all know ‘Whilst Shepherds Watch’ or ‘Hark the Herald Angels’ but in the dulcet voices of the choir local variants were song. Like some obscure Northern Soul track, such carols are not called by their wellknown name but local variants. In the case of ‘Whilst Shepherds..” it is sung more enjoyably in areas of Yorkshire to the tune of the well-known ‘Ilkley Moor Bar Tat’: although it was this popular folk tune which stole the carol’s tune, not vice versa. There are at least six versions of this carol, prompting listeners to assume it is the wrong tune and miss the unique nature of the custom. “In order to preserve for posterity the traditional tunes and harmonies sung by the Choir …, we have now set down rationalised versions.” What makes such local variants an enjoyable experience is the use of the ‘gallery’ style of singing, named after the area of church they would be sang from. In these carols different parts of the choir, took different sections of the carol to an anthemic result. Immersed in the centre of this wall of sound makes for an unforgettable experience. Keeping them on the streets By the late 1980s, a regular pattern had been established. The Carol Choir visited local care / nursing homes on Sunday afternoons during December; sang on one Saturday lunchtime in Beeston Square or High Road; and then spent three evenings (including Christmas Eve) singing around the streets, covering an area between Wollaton Road, Beeston, and Grove Avenue, Chilwell. I had planned to join the choir again for one of their street walks but sadly the weather and previous engagements prevented me...assuming the choir went out during the horrendous weather! Hopefully another year I'll manage it.
If you are interested in folk customs and holy wells take a look at Ross Parish’s blogs where you will find more information: http://traditionalcustomsandceremonies.wordpre ss.com/2012/05/31/custom-revived-lambleyscowslip-sunday/ http://anottinghamshirecalendar.wordpress.com/ 2013/05/31/a-nottinghamshire-may/ Ross Parish www.nottinghamhiddenhistory.wordpress.com
BEESTON
BEATS ecently I had a revelation. It occurred during a guitar lesson late in November, when a pupil asked me to teach them a Christmas song. Being a money motivated easily bought individual I agreed to oblige, and they seemed a little shocked. “I was going to ask you last year, but then I remembered how much you moan about Christmas”. We then had the obligatory trudge through Slade’s “Merry Christmas” and I wondered if it was possible for there to be another way, just like Seinfeld’s Frank Costanza creating ‘Festivus’.
R
2. Tom Waits “Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis” You never hear this one during the festive season. Shame. Early Tom Waits has always reminded me of of loneliness and drinking. And therefore Christmas. Think about those worse off than you during the festive season like the Hooker in the song. Then drink loads. Tom would have approved, back when he used to imbibe. One perhaps to play instead of Elton John?
Maybe I could break Christmas from the inside, maybe use music as an act of subversive protest. Let’s face it, most folks aren’t religious and yet we piss around having this stupid day where we eat too much, argue and then realise why we only see certain relatives once a year. So imagine an alternative Christmas playlist? None of the usual suspects (although I recently went for a drink with a fella who sometimes drinks with Shane McGowan- he gets the equivalent of seven grand a week for that bloody Christmas song. Makes me wonder why it took him so long to get his teeth fixed).
3. The Pretenders “2000 Miles” A Christmas record that doesn’t bleat on too much about the festive season. Granted Chrissie Hynde kind of bleats a bit when she sings. Bear in mind that she is a militant vegetarian and would prefer meat eaters not to listen to her music. Best served with nut cutlets
So in a futile attempt to broaden minds and perhaps ruin the Festive season, I am going to give my alternative Christmas playlist. It’s a bit taboo in places so don’t play it for your children, or anyone easily offended. Talking of easily offended, one of my favourite Christmas stories comes from the dark past of Chilwell Road. A shop that will remain nameless was being used by the owner’s mate to conduct an illicit affair after hours. Little known to the parties involved in said affair the shop owner left a tape recorder running. Move forward to Christmas Day lunch at the shop owner’s house, he decides it will be a novel idea to play the tape at volume to his two sons…. You really did have to make your own entertainment in the late 70’s… With no further avail let me start my playlist. After the Carolan Guitar (see previous issues) I have now even learnt to use QR codes, so you can share my small but well meaning selection.
1. Sonny Boy Williamson II “Santa Claus” A really excellent blues record about Christmas. Sonny Boy was the consummate blues writer, singer and harp player. His lyrics were very different and often have a surreal quality, like some drunk hipster. The story is a simple one; his baby has gone shopping to buy what he needs for Santa Claus and takes her presents with her? ( I assume to stop him selling them for booze?), but informs Sonny Boy that she has left his present in her set of dresser drawers. Like a kid he goes looking through her drawers but gets caught by the disgruntled landlady who calls the law. Sonny Boy continues rifling for the present and ends up having to show his baby’s Christmas list to the judge. We never find out if he gets done or not. A morality tale? Let’s face it the song makes no sense and sounds good. Being blues’ it’s probably just a giant sexual innuendo. Perfect for when the relatives are over.
4. James Brown “Santa Claus, Go Straight to the ghetto” It wouldn’t be Christmas without a bit of James Brown, well not in my house anyway. Off his excellent “Funky Christmas” album. Just don’t go all JB on your relatives during the big day, and by that I mean don’t do a load of PCP and then try and shoot one of them for using your private bathroom (that’s my Christmas plans in tatters –Ed) 5. The Waitresses “Christmas Wrapping” Got any hipsters coming round this Christmas? (hint, if you aren’t sure they usually all wear silly glasses and have matching black t-shirts, skinny jeans tattoos etc.. They all look identical). Well they played this ‘80s gem a lot on Radio 6 last year so it must be good eh…. maybe you can serve ‘em up some vegan tinsel burgers.. 6. Chuck Berry “Run Run Rudolph” One guitar riff. It’s all he needed. He even managed to make a Christmas record out of it. Shame about his dubious morals. Play it but remember to check the ladies toilets for cameras. Also of note, Keith Richards did a great cover of this. That’s me done, I’m off to celebrate by upsetting relatives and nearly setting fire to myself after experimenting with the mythical George Best drink (half a pint of brandy, with half a pint of red wine) Tried it one Christmas on a smaller scale. Remember if you can’t say it, you aren’t fit to drink it. Jimmy Wiggins Sells guitars and stuff at The Guitar Spot, Chilwell Road and accepts pints from strangers in all pubs.
Busy times I
t is the busiest time of the year for those of us who organise Christmas in our households (or multiple households). It is particularly frantic when it’s also the busiest time for your business. Relaxing is impossible - there is never nothing to do. I have a big list for everything to be done, and several subset lists which allocate nearly every one of my waking hours up to and including December 25th. So, it was nice to spend an unexpected hour in a huge garden centre up north whilst visiting elderly relatives last weekend. We thought we were going straight to the pub for lunch, but we stopped off at
I will be making a a self confessed ‘winter wonderland that was for her security or mine. But special effort to go to of music, lights, festive food and just for a second it took me the Beeston Christmas family fun’ – the biggest in the somewhere else, way back in my region. There were dozens of life, when Christmas was altogether switch on this year less complex, emotionally Christmas scene village and railways uncomplicated and extremely exciting. models and life size dancing snowmen And, just for a change, that was lovely. as well as a huge advent calendar and a giant snow globe. At first, I was alarmed to find we had stopped there, then skeptical, a bit haughty and I will be making a special effort to go to the Beeston Christmas switch on this year on 29th November then amused. and will take a quiet moment to enjoy it all in that It being a Sunday, the place was very crowded, and context. mCMA my auntie grabbed my hand. I am not sure whether
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Selecta Frankly at ack in the heady days of the These days it seems almost noits best prog is early to mid 1970’s prog one even wants to play an awesome and rock was popular and instrument, just to be a singer actually… possibly dare I say even… cool. and a ‘celebrity’. Taking time to progressive. People liked it and were actually become proficient at an prepared to admit it in public (albeit instrument is so last century darling possibly under the influence of illegal - and autotune will sort out the lack of substances - but hey, it was the 70’s). singing ability too. Musicianship? Prog had it by the bucketload, plus pomp, inventiveness, Epic long-form rock songs with lyrics less fun and yes, even a bit of intellectual elitism too concerned with love and sex and more (plus the dragons, obviously). bothered about wizards and spaceships were filled with classical references, guitar noodling, vast sweeping keyboard and drum solos which left you feeling rather short-changed if a song came in at less than seven minutes (and were preferably much longer) presented by silverclad, cape-wearing maestros playing revolving pianos on ice to the accompaniment of a fullsized orchestra. Admit it, it all sounds great, right?
B
Sadly prog these days generally has a bad rap (unlike rap, which is generally just bad*). Once punk had reared its ugly head the musical scene changed from posh boys with expensive keyboards playing clever rock/jazz/classical fusion into to posh boys putting on fake mockney accents and pretending to empathise with the working classes by simplifying everything to the point everyone thought they could have a go - which sadly they then did.
Typical scene from a prog rock concert Frankly at its best prog is awesome and actually… progressive. It experiments, plays with music, concepts, timing and so much more and yet the late, lamented and much venerated John Peel, still a hero to many (despite describing in his autobiography a lifestyle that would have the Operation Yewtree coppers charging towards him before they could even alert a BBC camera crew) once described prog greats Emerson, Lake and Palmer as ‘a tragic waste of talent and electricity’. But I defy you to listen to their classic album ‘Tarkus’ and not be blown away by their sheer talent, enthusiasm and inventiveness. Or listen to Pink Floyd, Rush, Marillion, Jethro Tull, Hawkwind, Yes, Spock’s Beard, Transatlantic… or even Genesis (if you really have to) and realise that musicianship, experimentation and pushing the boundaries of music can be truly thrilling, involving and deeply satisfying. Prog will never get as much airplay as Miley Cyrus, One Direction or any other radiofriendly pap these days - but frankly that’s radio’s loss, not yours. Grab yourself a triple-concept album of prog-ly goodness, a pint of real ale, turn off your pomposity meter and settle back to enjoy it right now. You really won’t regret it. Tim Pollard Nottingham's Official Robin Hood * Whatever Granddad! - assoc.Ed
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