The Beestonian The ISSUE 7: Forever Teetering on the Edge of Incredible. ISSUE 5: Keeping Spellcheckers in Buisness Since 2011 University TheThe University of Beestonia: of Beestonia That********** Fine Madness BESTonians: Horace’s Half Eight
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WILKOS BOOM OVER&AND OUT? CHILWELL: BLAST
Hour It’s now regarded to be the Safety regulations were It’s possibly Beeston’s best loved Health shop, and employs Horace’s Half Hour *********** single most devastating far from a priority back then, and 56 people and is, while retail takes a hit through explosion of the First World the staff who turned up to each ** Gandhi the but downturn, one of on the real high suc-worked with the War, didn’t happen 12 street hour shift the trench-ridden of threat of more. what became a tragic cess stories. Yet, fields from April, it will be no Beeston Beats: ********** France and Belgium, but where reality one summers day. A massive We look into how this has been allowed hap-through one of Chetwynd Barracks stands explosionto ripped PhilBrian LangranGolbey Pt I today. Now a recently found the production buildings, killing 134 cache of films may provide a Christmas, and injuring The news broke a week before and the 250. out-The blast caused *** *********** poignant insight intobaffled the days damage over a huge area, cry was unanimously and angry.extensive Wilkinsons, a before Theand Chilwell could be heard long term popularExplosion. presence on theand High Street, was up to 30 miles Nora&Tamar kiDs Nora Vs Moans away in the be demolished no new home to go to. Vale of Belvoir. Few It’sto1918, a year afterand thehad mechanised bodies could be identified, such was theisSomme, and Europe *********** massacre The firston part hardly news. The tramthe route has sugseverity of the blast, and most is gested still gripped in a bloody that Wilkos wouldstalemate. be a casualtyoffor around a be found was buried what could response to an ammunition End of The World Incrisis, in a mass grave for in the grounds of St decade, so it was assumed a new site would be found a factory in Chilwell had Mary’s Church, Attenborough. it. But when thethree tram years got the final thumbs up in midestablished *********** been December, triggering a batch ofall Compulsory Purchase earlier, producing around 50% of Incredibly, the factory resumed work Orders, it suddenly became apparent that Wilkos hadday, an unimaginable during the War. the very next Follow us on munitions still not found a new site. stoicism on behalf of the workers. Churchill, then Minister of Munition, Twitter: There have been suggestions of new locations: the old sent a telegram of condolence station being just one, but despite fair notice, time and HM the King sent a letter @TheBeestonian fire has now run out : as such, Wilkos staff will be offered
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130 Wollaton Road Beeston 0115 9221902
film-maker in a relative’s attic. The film shows some of the 10,000, predominantly female, head-scarfed workforce preparing the shells that would later rain down on German trenches. It’s an incredible haul, a lost, nearcentury old record of day-to-day life on what must have been a terrifying production line. We at The Beestonian will be hosting the film when it’s digitised, and passing it on to local history projects as a sad, yet precious archive of a terrible day. Lord Beestonia
OXJAM RETURNS TO TAKEOVER BEESTON ON expressing his horror. By August, OCTOBER 20TH! redundancy or relocation, and there will be a „hiatus of was at a record factory production trading‟. level. Oxjam’s Beeston Takeover raised over Story: Lord Beestonia and with the help £4,600 last year, and with 11 cities and „Relocation‟ is hardly an option for most of the staff. Those who work on part-time conThe factory eventually ofceased Cllr. Janet Patrick towns confirmed already, this year it’s and tracts will not find travelling around, and possibly outside the county ,economically productionfeasible. in 1919, and thehelpful accident other volunteers, in over signatures in hoping took to trounce that2,000 figure completely. marked little-seen memorial, Staff have not been given any sort of timeline on when this will happen, and how with long athis just a few hours, a true example information of a community pulling For up-to-date on venues, the difficultin to access for the general „hiatus‟ will last for. If the inaction and incompetency of the parties concerned originally and what has to look forward follow together to ensureline-up that Beeston a voice, andto,not publicno as one it lies behind the razorfinding a site continues in the same manner it has done for the last few years, should on Twitter Last merelyBarracks. at the mercythem to the whims(@oxjambeeston). of developers, planning wired fences of Chetwynd be holding their breath. year was a head total success, committees and chain-store offices.with many bands, acts and live performances going a long However, a recent may give an However, there maybe some hope. Since the announcement broke, a huge groundswell hasfind Ifthe youweeks would like toway make your voice heard, to give Nottingham’s Dotwrite to Dottoa your incredible insight into developed, attracting, and thus being perpetuated by, media interest in the form of the BBC MP/local councillor, and sign the online petition at http:// run for its money. Let’s keep up the good leading up to the explosion. Several Radio Nottingham and The Nottingham Post. A petition was swiftly put together by myself, www.ipetitions.com/petition/savewilkos/ work to make Oxjam Takeover History. . reels of old film, preserved from Obviously, we’ll publish the line-up and the elements after being wrapped ticket information as and when it’s available. in tissue paper and stored in a dry Watch this space.... TF box, has been uncovered by a local
University of Beestonia “That Fine Madness” the
University of Beestonia * BESTonians * Horace’s Half Hour
4 people experiencing some kind of mental
herself a sufferer of mental health difficulties,
relationship between Literature and Mental Health.
health problem in the course of a year.
and who was, incredibly, saved from a
The issue of “madness” is therefore not
lobotomy by a literary award).
at all a “thing of poets and artists” but
The second way in which my research
“…his raptures were,
something we are all likely to experience
unfolds is more directly connected to
All air, and fire, which made his verses clear,
directly or through friends and family.
the medical sciences and the everyday
For that fine madness still did he retain,
Although many studies have shown a strong
practice of doctors. Anchored in the field of
Which rightly should possess a poet’s brain. “
connection between artistic and creative
Medical Humanities my findings will aim to
fields and the prevalence of mental illness,
improve the ability of doctors to perceive
it effects all members of society and is
their patients as “narratives” and as having
Ricardo Rato Rodrigues from the
therefore of interest for the wellbeing of all.
a personal history that needs to be fully
Department of Spanish, Potuguese
My PhD research aims to map out the
understood. Mental health patients also have
and Latin American Studies describes
relationship between mental illness and
an interesting engagement with literature,
to us his PhD research...
literature. Firstly I will look at the portrayal
as a tool for the betterment of certain
The eccentric figure of the mad poet,
of “madness” in literature and the way it has
conditions, improving the quality of life of
touched by genius, yet whose social
affected readers and the medical community
those who are affected directly, or indirectly
behaviour is odd, has been a common idea
itself. I will analyse three study cases (all
by the shadow of mental illness, affirming
in society for centuries, for example Lord
writers) from three different backgrounds
a more positive and joyful existence, and
Byron’s bizarre behaviour and over-the-top
and countries: Antonio Lobo Antunes (the
gaining further insight into their condition.
sexual conducts and Sylvia Plath’s troubled
Portuguese Nobel nominee novelist whose
existence and subsequent suicide at the age
main occupation for many years was as a
of just 30.
psychiatrist), Enrique Vila Matas (a Spanish
The latest statstics show that mental health
novelist) and Janet Frame (a novelist from
issues are on the rise in the UK, with 1 in
New Zealand who lived in London and was
Michael Drayton
Prof J.
BESTonians: Beeston’s Finest Eight (8): it’s not the magic
Who would be YOUR BESTonian? Let us know: info@beestonia.org Twitter : @TheBeestonian Facebook: Facebook.com/Beestonia
number. It’s not even our postcode, that honour going to the NG number nine. It’s seen as lucky in Chinese numerology, but otherwise you’d struggle to link it to Beeston. Is our fair town built on eight hills? Nope. Are we bestowed with 8 pubs? Heavens, no, triple that and you’re close. Have we got a thing for Octopi and spiders? Not that I’m aware. So why such a need to promote this seemingly unconnected numeral? Surely I haven’t already ran out of stuff
and people worthy of the massive honour of being a Bestonian? Pah! Such wonder and talent flows from the sandstone we sit atop my great-great grandchild, The Sixth Lord/ Lady Beestonia (and Galactic Emperor of All They Survey) would still be spoilt for choice on who to appoint for Issue 7,635* of The Beestonian. No, 8 is our hero in these pages as we, as from Issue 8, will be moving up to 8 pages. That’s TWICE the stuff, TWICE the nonsense and TWICE the chances I’ll suffer a
nervous breakdown before I hit 40. 8 is also the atomic number for Oxygen. Please be aware that next issue, we’ll be judged to be more vital to Beestonians than that particular element. *Issues 1 to 7 (and all subsequent issues) of The Beestonian can be read, worshipped and downloaded online at the following sites: www.geogonpodcasts.wordpress.com/ the-beestonian www.issuu.com/thebeestonian
HORACE’S HALF HOUR BEESTON’S VENERABLE QUIZZER TURNS HIS DIAL TO ELEVEN... 1. The French call it Crème Anglaise, what do we call it.?
9. The songs Tonight and Maria come from which musical?
2. Ian Kilmister is a member of which rock band?
10. Which regular on Loose Women is a Beestonian?
3. Beeston’s oldest continually running restaurant is… ?
11. How many funnels did the R.M.S Titanic have?
4. In which month is the 2012 Cannes Film Festival to be held?
5. All four Beatles got married at which London registery office?
First correct answer received will be giving the Freedom of the
6. Thierry Henry plays for which U.S football club: New York Red
City of Toton, and allowed to graze his or her sheep on its
Bulls, Colorado Rapids or Philadelphia Union?
verdant meadows in perpuity; or a bag of loose Mentos from
7. True or false, in Las Vegas it is illegal to pawn your false teeth?
‘Beck’s Bargains’.
8. Which Italian built vehicle takes its name from the Latin for wasp?
Follow us on Twitter @TheBeestonian to give us your views.
H
Folk music seems to be all the rage at the moment – from the early rumblings amongst smaller groups of younger people getting into ‘open mic’ sessions, to the mainstream success of the likes of Mumford and Sons. As mentioned in my first article for The Beestonian, Beeston has always had a strong folk scene and it has produced some interesting artists and collaborations. One of these is Phil Langran and his band, who have their own take on folk; it sounds English but has an American influence without a cod American accent. On Phil and the band’s latest release on the Folkwit label, ‘Juke Box Love Songs, Leaving Blues, Border Crossings and Lovers Laments’ (there’s a title you can’t say after six pints) – Phil uses the poems of Langston Hughes as the basis for his songs. Langston who? That’ll be none other than the American author/ poet and social activist Langston Hughe. Some call him a ‘jazz poet’ (sounds like my kind of thing already) his work was hugely influential in the Harlem Renaissance of the 1920s. Got that? Phew... over to Phil, “There’s a kind of romance in America. When I was growing up in the ‘50s and ‘60s, America had that kind of romance that this country didn’t have, and for a long time when I was writing my own stuff I would be embarrassed about trying to impersonate American stuff. I found that when I bumped into Langston Hughes’s lyrics, he’s writing with influences of Jazz blues and the whole African-American music scene from the ‘20s onwards. I thought, ‘well, in that case, it’s a matter of trying out the lyrics against my music and seeing if there’s a fit’ and, bizarrely, there was.” A lot of musicians should know the dangers of the transatlantic singing voice – latter-day Mick Jagger and Elton John are two cringing examples, with Jagger seeming to win-out between the two with his strange, Southern States vs Mockney mix. Have no fear of this with Phil Langran, “ There’s a song on the latest CD [I am not typing the title again!! -JW] called ‘Never been to Harlem’, well that’s a lie – I went through Harlem in somebody’s dad’s Mercedes – but that was one afternoon in 1977.You don’t
Images: Phil Langran (courtesy of phillangranband.com); The Phil Langran Band’s latest album, and the band hh(both courtesy of folkwit.biz).
… S T A E B N O T S E E B
have to get hooked-up on questions of whether it’s authentic or not, it’s whether it works. So I don’t put on much of an American accent, although there’s a long tradition in this country of singing as if you were American. It’s great when other people do it, but for me it would be a bit phoney. “The first song I wrote for the project was ‘Juke Box Love Song’. It just seemed to fall together and it worked, but it was on the back-burner for about 15 years.” The impetuous for finishing the project came about when Phil met his current band members in Beeston. JW Jimmy Wiggins can be found selling guitars and all things guitar-based at The Guitar Spot [not The Guitar Stop as the typo suggested last issue. Oops, sorry Jimmy. - Ed], Chilwell High Road, Beeston (and most pubs on an evening…).
Flamin’ Nora Tamar
&
v
kiDs
Beeston’s Brilliantly Belligerent Bulgarian Barmaid vents spleen exclusively for The Beestonian. Contrarian Tamar returns fire. This might get messy...
ND:
TF:
Children – everyone thinks they’re cute but they almost never are. In fact,
So I know ‘returning fire’ on NoraBelle is my raison d’etre, but I just can’t do it.
whenever there’s some tragic accident at the zoo it’s almost always a kid’s fault.
Not this one time; not about kids. Why? Well...
I once watched a little girl get on a bench, clearly designed for sitting on, and
Imagine this: You discover that someone you’ve just met doesn’t have a massive
start dancing on it. Next thing everyone knew, she was on the concrete floor and
tribal tattoo on their bum. You, however, do have one. Do you ask them WHY
people were calling ambulances and all sorts because the noise she was making
they don’t have a massive tribal bum tattoo? Well, no. That’d be weird; some
was very much like that of a dying lion.
people do; some don’t. Why, then, do people (mainly women) see fit to quiz me
Kids are not the angels people make them out to be. They pull cat’s tails and
why I don’t have, and don’t want, kids? Like a massive tribal bum tattoo, kids are
poke dogs in the eyes. And do you know how I know? Because I’ve seen them
initially painful, a permanent commitment and rarely appreciated by others; you
do it! This isn’t written by some clueless woman who’s only ever seen kids from
can get rid of them but you’ll probably be scarred for life and if you do a bad
a distance. I have more cousins than I have shoes. That’s really quite a few. What
job of it other people will think you’re a monster. When asked this question I
other terrible trait do kids possess? Well, sometimes they’re
used to resort to saying that I couldn’t have them, as that shuts them
hard to see before it’s too late – once, in a shopping
up sharpish. But not only does it not suggest any control on my
centre, I kneed a 4 year old in the head because
part, it may ellicit a slurry of poor-you-ing I feel disinclined
I honestly could not see her. Her dad wasn’t
to go along with. Afterall, following “I’m infertile!” with a
happy. I can see you getting on your high
big grin hardly seems universally appropriate.
horse already – “But you were once a child
These days, I tend to say “nobody I know with kids
too.” Except, my friend, I was the type of
has ever sold it to me”. Don’t misunderstand, I
child who never spoke to anyone and found
don’t HATE kids - some of my family are kids; I
hours of entertainment in a crayon and
was one myself - but there are times when my life
piece of paper. At this point I’d also like to
would be better if they were ‘not seen and not
point out that all accounts of my baby years
heard’. My Local has a policy of No Kids After 8pm,
state the same thing - “She. Never. Cried”,
before 8pm you MAY be entering a Creche serving
if we’re being honest here. One can obviously
alcohol. Nothing good will ever come of that. Guardians relax (alcohol), get a bit laissez faire about their brood and
contrast the lovely little child I once was with the person-hating, cat-toting creep I have evolved into and draw
before you know it I’m worrying about their kids. At least with
several conclusions. However, this piece isn’t about me, but about my
friends you can say “Whoah, slack-alice - your daughter’s gone in the Men’s”, but
mild hatred of small humans.
Stranger Parents seem to take someone they don’t know pointing out that their
I’ll admit I’ve become partial to fat little babies and the occasional 8 year old
little cherub is outside riding a Alsation up to the MAIN ROAD rather sourly.
who’s actually funny. But that’s as far as it goes. For every amicable child I meet
Not having kids does have a great many advantages. Of course, there are a few
there are 5 little balls of evil standing by, ready to tarnish the name of Children.
dis-advantages. Voluntary Extinction does mean that I won’t be making someone
Take for example the kids currently attending Alderman White in Chilwell. Sadly,
in my image (poor World); I won’t be passing on the wealth of my life to another
I live near a path they all decide to take while going home and the noises they
human being to go and improve what I started. I won’t be able to burden some
make are what I imagine Hell sounds like. Admittedly, sometimes it isn’t a child’s
blood-relative with my geriatric (if I’m lucky) needs, either. But, like building
fault they’re annoying and you want to shut them in a cupboard. You may recall
work, X-rays and intimate waxing - this is something best done by someone you
Ms “blender full of gravel” from the last issue? The sort of woman I see on the
don’t know anyway. Afterall, nobody tends to look after their parents anymore
bus, yapping away to her parole officer on the phone while her poor child cries
- they may, however, look after yours. Studies show this is going to get worse,
for having been ignored by its ‘loving’ mother for the last hour. Children like
what with everyone living longer, eating too much beef and whatnot. We’ll all be
that I can’t blame for the high-pitched crying. Kids who won’t sit still and end
farmed out to Private Wrinkly Pastures called things like ‘Beeston Fields Farm
up smashing their face on the floor on the other hand... “Ooh Nora, what do
for the Elderly (and Cremitorium)’ or something. Only, it’ll be the child-free who
you know about kids anyway?” Well, for the last 20 years of my life I’ve been
won’t be fretting about how much it’s eating into The Inheritance, because there
entrusted with a little brother, so I think I know a lot about kids actually. I
is no family to inherit. So I’m glad other people have children, let’s be clear - but
especially know how to lose them or ‘accidentally’ hit them in the face while
as far as I know there isn’t a medal for it, so I’d urge you to stop acting like
playing on the sofa. Obviously this sort of behaviour is no longer justifiable now
you’re due one.
I’m not 6 year’s old. It would probably have me sent to prison, or killed by my
All things in small measures (and you can’t get much smaller than a child), I guess.
not-so-little brother.
And they are funny when they come straight out with stuff - all kids call a spade
Don’t pretend you don’t mind screaming kids running around you. That’s like
a spade. And if there’s one thing worse than a room full of kids and their parents
meeting a fly that likes newspapers.
it’s not calling a spade a spade.
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Who ARE we? We are a locally run, locally based, regular, free paper for Beeston and itsenvirons. We are independent in all ways and not-for-profit, so if we say we like it, we really mean it. You’ll find us in good Beeston coffee shops, pubs and other places we love.
which is better than nothing - but it means if you go
most probably because I was too lazy to cry,
Reader’s Response: (Issue 6, Nora & Tamar V Buses)
Get in touch:
Dear Sirs and Madams, I would like to pick up on the bus story from Issue 6, and add an extra source of frustration, How can passengers waiting at a stop complain of the bus being late, then proceed to shuffle through their shopping bag for the funds to pay for the aforementioned journey only when the bus pulls in? On the Indigo, conductors are patient. NCT? Not so. Also, should one wishes
to use private rather than public transport, how can we have 0.9 of a pence at the petrol pump? Since when was something to east of a decimal point legal-tender? Plus, this is a total waste of electricity: all that power used to show a pointless number? No wonder there’s an energy crisis. Peter Link, 69, Beestonia.
The Dreamy Team Editing, writing, sobbing, production, puns, control-freakery and Statesmen-like Ambassadorial duties: Lord Beestonia. Gentle Yorkshire burrs and Dean of the University of Beestonia: Prof J. Design n’ Tings: Tamar. IT support and gentle encouragement: Queen Weasel / Benji Biro / Luke. Illustrations and General Feline Matters: Lottie. Top-Notch Scribes: Nora D, Tamar and Jimmy Wiggins. Quiz by Horace. Printing by Nottingham Offset Printers - a Beeston Company. Huge thanks to our contributors, sponsors, stockists, regular readers and anyone who has picked this up and resisted the temptation to fold it into a paper ‘plane. Scan QR code & subscribe to Beestonia’s blog: