The Beestonian Issue 8 by The Beestonian

The Beestonian Beestonian

The

Famous Last Words… Get in touch on Facebook, Twitter, Beestonia’s blog or via email. We’ll publish your rants, raves, rebuttals and kind words here for all to see...

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The Dreamy Team Editing, writing, sobbing, production, control-freakery, puns and Statesmen-like Ambassadorial duties: Lord Beestonia. Lottie: just because she can.

Gentle Yorkshire burrs and Dean of University of Beestonia: Prof J. Assistant Ed. & Design n’ Tings: Tamar. IT support and gentle encouragement: Queen Weasel / Luke / Benji Biro / Ian M. Illustrations and General Feline Matters: Lottie. Top-Notch Scribes: Nora Dimitrova, Tamar Feast & JimmyWiggins. Quiz by Horace.

Horace’s Half Hour

Printing by Nottingham Offset Printers - a Beeston Company.

Let’s Get quizzical…

Huge thanks to our contributors, sponsors, stockists, regular readers and anyone who has picked this up and resisted the temptation to fold it into a paper aeroplane.

Send Your Answers In For A Chance To Win… Prestige. 1. What’s the most common pub name in Britain? 2. TRUE or FALSE: The Last Post in Beeston is named after its Spoonerism ‘The Past Lost’ due to its unique time-dilating effects? 3. Coronation Street’s The Rover’s Return is named after returning soldiers from which war? 4. Name three of the five London Underground Stations named after pubs?

5. Which famous Nottingham pub was originally called ‘The Pilgrim?’ 6. Which British writer espoused the virtues of his fantasy pub, The Moon Under The Water? 7. Which sadly demolished Beeston pub famously hosted gigs from The Damned and The Sex Pistols? 8. What is the name of the pub in both Shaun of the Dead AND Minder?

9. A ‘Mickey Mouse’ is an utterly heretical and vile-sounding concoction made from which two pub staples? 10. What is Beeston’s most southerly drinking den? 11. What Beeston pub suffered substansial bomb damage after a Luftwaffe attack during WWII?

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ISSUE chip-paper… today! ISSUE8:5:Tomorrow’s Keeping Spellcheckers in Buisness Since 2011

The University _Page 2 of Beestonia University of Beestonia: ********** MayFest BESTonians: Horace’s Half Barton House Hour _Page 3 It’s possibly Beeston’s best loved shop, employs *********** C56hances are, you’re reading this Goodbye, Wilko… people and is, while retail takes a hit through in a pub. Or possibly a coffee shop, … Hello Temple Gandhi the downturn, one of the realtohigh street sucwhere you’re using caffeine _Page 4 & 5 the affects of being cess stories. Yet, from April,initawill be no more. ********** mitigate pub last night. Theres a chance The Great Beestonian We look into how this has been allowed to hapyou’re also just a few feet from Pub Challenge Brian Golbey one of our contributors: we’re Last Orders At The Bar a week and the outallThe bignews fansbroke of pubs andbefore haveChristmas, all *********** cry was unanimously baffled and angry. Wilkinsons, a our meetings in them. We’re that _Page 6 long term and popular presence on the High Street, was scruffy lot in the corner arguing Nora Moans about Au Contraire V DRUNKS to befonts. demolished had no new home to go to. Do sayand hello. *********** The first is hardly The so tram route has sug_Page 7 Beeston is part famous for news. its pubs, Beeston Beats: Langran Part II gested Wilkos be a casualty when wethat decided to would double-up to 8 for around a End of The World pages, decade, it was assumed a newone site would be found for we so knew there was only _Page 8 it. But when the tram got the final thumbs up in midsubject to bang on about that would Famous Last Words *********** December, triggering a batch of Compulsory Purchase make filling the extra space easy. Pubs, Beestonian Updates Orders, it suddenly became apparent that Wilkos had more than any other institution, make Next Follow Issue us on a still not People found a navigate new site. by them. town. Horace’s Half Hour They are a social hub; an escape; a Twitter: There have been suggestions of new locations: the old place where you feel you belong, in station being just one, but despite fair notice, time increasing atomised society. And @TheBeestonian anfire has now run out : as such, Wilkos staff will be offered

130Wollaton Wollaton Road 130 Road Beeston Beeston 0115 9221902 0115 9221902 facebook.com/ thetreasuryhomeandgift (Twitter) @treasuryonline

WILKOS OVER AND OUT? Bee(r)stonia?

they serve beer. Lovely, lovely beer. health of theofBeeston pub scene. We also have a special quiz on redundancy or relocation, and there will be a „hiatus There’s been some terrible things drinking dens; Nora and Tamar First, we decided to set up a new Wetrading‟. are a locally run, locally Lord Beestonia the help done to pubs over theand lastwith few years Story: splenetically rage against drunks, pub crawl for Beeston, to take into based, regular, free paperan option for most of the staff. Those who work on part-time con„Relocation‟ is hardly of Cllr. Janet Patrick and and Lottie presents her masterpiece, through idiotic legislation, greedy account the various changes Beeston fortracts Beeston environs. willand notitsfind travelling around, and possibly outside the county ,economically feasible. the spread ‘Chicken on ainSkateboard’ helpful of volunteers, took over 2,000conceived signatureson in has gone through. Being a bunch of pub companies and other have not been given any sort of timeline on when this will happen, and how long this WeStaff are independent in all an evening of of booze-fuelled just a fewTamar hours, a true example a communityfun. pulling hard-nosed journalists, we decided loss-leading supermarkets. „hiatus‟ will last for. If the inaction incompetency of the concerned originally ways and not-for-profit, donnedin her metaphoric stethascope together to ensure that Beeston has a voice, and not theand only way this could be parties done was It’s not all booze-based though: we so if we say we like it, we in the same finding a site continues manner it has done for the last few years, no shoulda merely Beeston full check with front-line, dedicated research. So and gaveone at theup: mercy to the whims of developers, planning have exciting news about Barton really mean it.their breath. be holding her findings. on a bitingly cold evening, we trawled check page 4 for committees and chain-store head offices. House and the Rylands’ Temple, We groundswell also asked Brown, the Beeston world, uncovering However, there Since thepub announcement broke, a huge has James You’ll find us in goodmaybe some hope. sad aboutheard, Wilkos, If you would like to makenews your voice write tosome your landlord Inn, to the occasional gem, membersin the Beeston coffee shops, pubsand thus being developed, attracting, perpetuated by, losing media interest form ofoftheThe BBC Crown updates on previous stories and MP/local councillor, and sign the online petition at http:// He makes the bold, en route Post. and recruiting as we andRadio otherNottingham places we love. and The Nottingham A petition others was swiftly put contribute. together by myself, more from Beeston’s (in)famous . argument that shambled along. Our full report, plus but strongly argued www.ipetitions.com/petition/savewilkos/ musical scribe, Jimmy Wiggins. your free Beeston Pub board game, Beeston is the ale capital of Britain... Welcome to Beerstonia. Cheers! can be found in the centre pages. and thus, the world. Hyperbole or Lord Beestonia We also looked into the general fact? Judge for yourself on page 7. About Us:

(Prof J. is on sabbatical)

May Fest Saturday 19 May 2012.

Image: Yves Gilonne.

he staff of the University of Beestonia will be at MayFest. Come and see us, write for us, tell us what you think of Beeston, we’ll be writing a couple of articles live from the event, so come and take the opportunity to tell the people of Beeston what you think!

If you require specific assistance on the day let them know by emailing mayfest@nottingham.ac.uk or by calling 0115 846 7155. An accessibility bus will also be available.

arking will be free of charge on the day, but all bus services running through Beeston have Nottingham University West Entrance stops. A free bus service runs every 30 minutes Check out the website for information: from near the Portland Building, just hop www.nottingham.ac.uk/mayfest on for a campus tour or to get to a venue (no ticket required). There’s loads of information on the website including campus maps, site directions and guides to planning your day. Plenty of refreshments are available in the Portland building; the Lakeside Arts Centre Cafes will be open too (and there’s always an ice cream van near the lake... ) for a coffe break or taking in a free art exhibition or two. There’s even an outdoor play park area for completely tiring out the small people before heading home.

Keep an eye out for The Beestonian’s stand at MayFest!

The University’s Open Day for the Community

What’s On

Saturday 19 May 11am – 5.30pm 1

Image: Dave Root, Wikipedia

BESTonian - Beeston’s Finest: BARTON HOUSE “Duty,’ says Simon Barton, adamantly,

a stage for some of the most exciting events

‘A sense of duty is what informs all this.”

Beeston will see this year. Anyone who

He’s responding to my question on what

attended any of last year’s Heritage Days;

has driven him to awaken the sleeping giant

the Carnival of Monsters art festival or

that is Barton Corner, and turn it into a

the Oxjam Beeston Takeover will already

huge space for ...well, anything really, gigs,

have had a sneaky peek at the vast spaces

comedy, markets, as an art space and much

available, and the potential available with the

much more.

right stuff to fill it. That was a mere taster

Simon, as you may have guessed from his

of the events this year, and we’ll be running

name, is a direct descendant of Thomas

updates, reviews and your views on what has

Henry Barton OBE,

the potential to be a bit of a game-changer

the early 20th century transport visionary who set up Barton’s Transport, pioneering

“I see it as a living memorial”

3 June: Running monthly; a feast of

produce, sights, smells and even children’s entertainment.

Unplugged, Saturday 9 June: A monthly acoustic night, Alt. Country/ Americana... and most definitely licensed.

for Beeston. Over to Simon: “I see it as a living memorial, while Jesse Boot bestowed the University grounds, my forefathers variously considered sports

NOT the Edinburgh Fringe, 12 - 15July: Say ‘no’ to being harrassed by idiot RADA

many innovations in public transport later

grounds, or almshouses for ex-employees,

students on the Royal Mile trying to

adopted round the world. Once again,

but nothing came to fruition. The name lives

persuade you to see their sub-Pythonesque,

Beeston can be shown to be the centre of

on to this day, but it was unfinished business

pre-getajobatdaddy’s firm toss and savour

the world. In 1913, Barton opened the huge

for me. A blue plaque simply wouldn’t

some incredibly exciting acts (established and

depot and office complex on Chilwell High

suffice.”

breaking-through) without having to see a

Road that became the centre of his operation,

Have we got our own Tony Wilson in our

single can of Irn Bru. Stay tuned for our next

yet this was in danger of becoming a derelict

midst? We have a very exciting few months

issue where we’ll be giving you further info

husk when the hub was shifted.

in which to find out. But foresight, as well as

on more events through the summer.

Instead of selling up, scion Simon decided

brazen cajones, may well be genetic.

Of course, you could just pop over to

to apply his ancestor’s ethos of innovative

Beeston is on the verge of something very

localism with a maverick twist to the site,

special... here’s a taste of what will be kicking

www.bartonsplc.co.uk and see for

turning it into

off the summer:

NOT the Camden Market, Sunday

yourself.

Beeston Beats… Images: Phil Langran (courtesy of Phil’s MySpace page); The Phil Langran Band’s latest album, and the band (both courtesy of folkwit.biz).

UNIVERSITY of Beestonia

After last Issue’s examination of Phil Langran’s latest exploits we now delve into

more detail about his past, his band and more. Langran, like Beeston’s other resident muso, Brian Golbey, is originally from Sussex (maybe Beeston is a bit like Chicago in the ‘fifties; musicians migrate here to find work?) but has been a Beestonian since 1998, “ I got a job at Lincoln but wanted to find a place more central with a bit more of a small-town feel, Beeston fit the bill.” So maybe Lord Beestonia’s mutterings in our “Beestunia” Issue 4 could be coming true (and better late than never…) and Beeston really is the ‘Nashville of Notts’. I was told only the other week that Beeston is “like West Bridgford, but with soul” (what do you reckon to that, Bread And Butter Island?). But now, back to things ‘Phil Langran’ … He has been doing his thing for a long time, “I can pin it all down to my early teens. As well as being into things like The Beatles, I was particularly interested in acoustic music.” So much so, that he and his musician father built his first acoustic guitar from a mail-order kit. Try telling that to young musicians now (or you could just tell them to visit The Guitar Spot). “The first tunes I learnt on the guitar were the likes of Mississippi John Hurt and the Reverend Gary Davies, but by the age of fifteen I was already writing songs.” Langran’s school years in Sussex are worthy of a mention as his school had a folk and blues club where he got to hone his playing and singing; plus, check out his classmates: Wreckless Eric, Pete Thomas (later to be drummer with Elvis Costello and the Attractions) and early Scritti Polliti member Keith Morley – ‘kind of sinks my story of my dad knowing Alvin Lee. Another of his teenage collaborators, Robin Scott, went on to form the band M; responsible for the single ‘Pop Muzik’. Zipping forward into the near-present, Langran’s Beeston-based efforts brought him into contact with local guitar ace Steve Benford, “I can play solo, but within a fairly short time of getting to Beeston, I met Steve Benford – who plays banjo and acoustic guitar and he’s the kind of musician who doesn’t have any kind of boundaries – he’ll

“ If you like the people you are playing with you can allow it to happen a little more organically.”

BEESTON: REAL ALE CAPITAL OF BRITAIN? After studying Nottingham CAMRA’s Beer Census

report from September 2011 it became very clear that if you are a real ale drinker, then there is nowhere better to drink than Beeston. Nottingham’s Real Ale campaigners embark on several pub crawls throughout Nottingham on the same evening in September. They record all Real Ales and real ciders they find on their crawl. The overall

play in Irish sessions; he’ll play with Goose McCoy and do pop covers; he is a very good folk musician but he’s also interested in electric guitar. And so that gave me a kind of core to work from.” In another Beeston/Sussex link, the band’s electric guitarist Frank McCarthy went to the same school as Langran but they had never met, “He just happened to live in Beeston, play great electric guitar and have his own recording setup.” The band is completed by:- vocalist and multi-instrumentalist, Pippa Marland (of noted folk duo Carmina); diverse bassist Mark Walker and experienced drummer Ian Beestin. At various points these musicians have given notable Beeston-based performances, you may even remember them from the Music Quarter events they ran in recent years, at venues such as The Bakery Wine Bar on Chilwell Road. “When you put all five of us together, you get a bunch of people who don’t need to be there - we all have other musical projects - but are there because it’s fun. If you like the people you are playing with you can allow it to happen a little more organically.” This would be a worthy point to be taken on by younger musicians - it’s not all about having a record contract, you know! The Phil Langran Band, however, have been picked up by the local, cool folk label Folkwit. You can find live dates, purchase the band’s latest album ‘Juke Box Love Songs, Leaving Blues, Border Crossings & Lovers’ Laments’ as well other releases on their website at www.phillangranband.com Right, I’m off to Sussex...

Jimmy Wiggins can be found selling guitars and all things guitar-based at The Guitar Spot, Chilwell High Road, Beeston (and most pubs of an evening…).

findings were 639 Real Ales found in 136 public houses (251 of which were different beers) available that evening, in the whole of Nottingham. In Beeston (where 10 public houses serve Real Ale) 75 Real Ales (of which 62 were different) were available during the CAMRA survey that evening. This equates to an average of 8 Real Ales (6 different) available in each pub in Beeston.Compare this with Nottingham - 5 Real Ales (2 different), and Derby - 5 Real Ales (3 different) per pub, it is clear that Beeston’s Real Ale pubs give people more ale choice. Nottingham CAMRA chose The Crown Inn and The Victoria

Hotel as its top two pubs in 2011, with The Crown Inn winning East Midland’s CAMRA Pub of the Year. All this means that, if you haven’t already you need to get down to Beeston and enjoy what could be ‘The Real Ale Capital of the Country’. You can find Real Ale available in The Commercial, The Cricketers, The Crown Inn, The Greyhound, The Hop Pole, The Last Post, The Malt Shovel, The Star, The Bakery Wine Bar and The Victoria Hotel. James Brown, Brownales.co.uk

(Statistics compiled from Nottingham and Derby CAMRA websites.)

The Great Beestonian Pub Challenge.

The

Beestonian deemed it high-time we had a peek around Beeston’s fine selection of Public Houses. We realised, however, that unless we were to dedicate around 15 hours to the task we would have to devise means to select several by chance. So, in the name of fairness, we made it a game. Along for the reviewing-ride: Lord Beestonia, Queen Weasel, Nora D and her squeeze, Jimmy W, Benji Biro, Tamar and Ian M. Have a go yourself - all you need is: dice, a notebook and some willing company. Please drink responsibly, and don’t act a tit. All the pubs we visited, of course, have their own friendly locals who will, quite rightly, hunt you down if you mess up their pub.

The Crown Inn 8. THE HOP POLE Chilwell Rd, NG9 4AE

15. THE STAR INN 22 Middle St, NG9 1FX

3. COMMERCIAL INN 19 Wollaton Rd, NG9 2NG

10. RIVERSIDE BAR Riverside Rd, NG9 1NA

17. THE QUEENS 189 Queens Rd, NG9 2FE

THE PUBS:

1. THE NURSERYMAN 117 Derby, Rd NG9 3AE

2. LIBRARY 61 Wollaton Rd NG9 2NG 4. THE CRICKETERS Wollaton Rd, NG9 2NR 5. THE LAST POST Chilwell Rd, NG9 1AA 6. CROWN INN Church St, NG9 1FY

7. THE BAR Chilwell Rd, NG9 1ES

9. THE CHEQUERS INN High Rd, NG9 4AF 11. THE BOAT & HORSES Trent Rd, NG9 1LP

12. THE JOLLY ANGLERS Meadow Rd, NG9 1JS

13. THE VICTORIA HOTEL 85 Dovecote Rd, NG9 1JG 14. THE PLESSEY CLUB Technology Dr, NG9 1LB

16. THE WHITE LION 24 Middle St, NG9 1FX

18. THE MALT SHOVEL 1 Union St NG9 2LU 19. BELLE & JEROME 66 High Rd, NG9 2LF 20. GREYHOUND 85 High Rd, NG9 2LE

START AT THE STUMP

Last Orders At The Bar? 4

In the process of drawing up the list

of pubs in Beeston, two things became apparent: a) how many we have, b) how many we’ve lost. The last few years have seen the demise of several pubs in central Beeston. Some may cause a sigh of relief; that some pubs diversified into alternative joints may be seen as an improvement - but let’s just hope it is not a trend due to continue. The Durham Ox, The Prince of Wales, The Republic, The Royal Oak have all gone (The Durham Ox and The Royal oak are now restaurants); there are three pubs with

Likes: The beers; dog-friendly; kid-friendly; no fruit machines, pool table or TVs, the fresh cobs, you can reserve the snug, it’s well lit. Dislikes: dog-friendly; kid-friendly; the scary hand dryers; too many other people like it; not much veggie food; bit pricey. Observations: It’s the oldest pub in Beeston; the post box is no longer in use; there’s a ghost in the front room (not a spirit, boom-boom). Pints: JW, Tamar, Ian M Drink: Cad

The Victoria Hotel Likes: Good Harvest Pale; halloumi salad; the beer is very well kept; food; the building (Tamar). Dislikes: Feels like it’s run by Himmler; can’t smoke in the garden; the building (IanM); cliquey. Observations: 9 passive aggressive signs in the garden, include the same one about supervising children 5 times. You can’t use your mobile phone inside or outside. Who would like it: People who don’t like pubs; Islington dinner party types; trainspotters; sign writers. Conversation: Is Jimmy Jewish? As a blues musician, if you can’t be black, be Jewish. Pints: JW Drink: Harvest Pale

The Plessey Club

‘To Let’ signage up (one of which seeming like a permanent fixture). Thankfully, we have a handful of pubs who are the envy – locally and nationally – of the publican world. The Crown Inn keeps winning CAMRA Pub of the Solar System, and The Victoria Hotel features as a main entry year-on-year in The Good Pub Guide. Most other decent pubs in Beeston have their own real strengths, be in live music, beer festivals, pool rooms or just friendly staff and punters. There is a lot to be mighty chuffed about. That my own local has more beers on tap

than I have fingers is a constant source of guilt for me – I can’t help but feel bad for all those poor souls with a sad, solitary ale pump to look forward to; or just John Smiths on draught and here I am with more than a baker’s dozen of beers (and not one of them John Smiths). Sorry. But also NER. Who needs Nottingham when we have such a variety of quality boozers? The few that fall by the wayside should be lessons - in both ‘How Not To Do A Pub’ and ‘Use ‘em or Lose ‘em’.. We’re luckier than most drinkers, here in Beeston. Let’s make sure we keep it that way. TF

Likes: Ceiling fan from the Raj; pool room, function rooms/ballroom; bingo; dominos; noisy but spacious. Dislikes: Harvest Pale off; Abbot ale was too cold; lighting too bright. Good for: Watching sport without dickheads; Ken Loach; unpretentiousness. Pints: JW, Benji Biro Drink: Abbot Ale

The Queens Likes: The decor; playing ska when we came in; cheapest JD & Coke in Beeston. Dislikes: Atmosphere a bit flat. Observations: History – the only pub to be bombed in Beeston durring WWII by a stray bomb aimed at the Boots site. Old ladies fighting over a darts game. Backroom feels like an annex. It’s an island pub as its two neighbouring pubs shut. Pints: JW Drink: Doom Bar

The Malt Shovel Likes: Castle Rock beer. Dislikes: Ladies’ toilet a bit mucky; scary flowers; too warm; too bright. Observations: Subdued atmosphere; regulars shouting; slow service; too quiet; music stopped when we walked in; bar staff sat at a table and looked annoyed about having to serve us; Jimmy on the atmosphere - “I feel like a gay man in the 1950s, but normally I feel like Hugh Hefner”. Conversation: Deaf dogs. Good for: regulars; music when a band is on, dull night when there’s not; chip fiends. Pints: None Drink: Rock Bitter

The Greyhound Likes: Friendly staff; music; good atmosphere; unintimidating. Dislikes: Beer a bit pricey, bouncers, decor reminds Tamar of a caravan interior – especially the pelmet over the windows. Observations: the music is a Unique Selling Point; Will is an awesome singer and a popular barman; lesbian-friendly; Jimmy - “looks wrong but feels right”. Good for: Music; metal heads; if you like leather. Pints: JW Drink: Harvest Pale

The Last Post

(Cllr. Steve Barber joins; Jimmy stays in Greyhound) Likes: Cheap beer – quality of ale was good Dislikes: Smells a bit; sticky carpet and tables; some of the clientele; doesn’t stock The Beestonian; threw Benji out for not having ID in an unnecessarily aggressive and authoritarian manner. Observations: One-size-fits-all feel; cheap and cheerful food; Tim Martin used to drink in the Durham Ox; know what you’ll get with a Weatherspoons; opposite a bookies so good for gamblers; Tamar - “feels like a railway waiting room, you shouldn’t be here for long”. Good for: Blandness; leathery clientele. Pints: Lord B, Ian M Drink: Stairway to Heaven

The Hop Pole

(Lottie joins, Jimmy rejoins) Likes: Nice and warm; beer garden; the piano; friendly atmosphere – inclusive; Karen is a good landlady. Dislikes: Tables too big so you’re too far from your friends to hear them; bit damp; sticky bar/tables; Matt had a bit of trouble outside a few months ago; broken locks in the ladies. Observations: Dog friendly; half in Chilwell / half in Beeston; decor is fine; have music (live) but not too loud; Tory councillors like it. Good for: Community feel; Jimmy – it’s his favourite pub. Pints: Tamar, JW, Ian M, Lottie, Lord B Drink: Harvest Pale QW

Au Contraire: DRUNKS ND: I

have a secret to share with you all so listen very carefully as I’ll only say it once. I hate drunks. I even hate them when I’m drunk. I detest people’s crazy drunk eyes and their droopy faces. Correct me if I’m wrong, but in many cases the symptoms of a stroke and general drunkenness are similar, so I often find myself having a good think about whether I need to be calling an ambulance. To avoid being a hypocrite (the one thing I hate more than drunks) I’ve resorted to calling it quits after exactly 2 drinks. That way I won’t be scaling walls pretending I’m Batman or stealing any object in my sight that doesn’t happen to be anchored to the ground. Moderate amounts of alcohol usually lead to a good night but alas, I’m never surrounded by people who like to moderate their intake of anything. It’s hard to ignore people’s drunken swaying in clubs, or the fact that some harlot has spilt the entirety of her Tequila Sunrise in your shoe. I can guarantee that there is almost always some exhibitionist around the corner who feels the need to remove all clothing after his 3rd pint and rub himself onto your now soaking and ruined shoe. That, for your information is assault of the sexual-kind - so don’t be getting any ideas next time you’re out. You’d think that, as a student I’d be out on the lash every weekend but last year I did this thing called ‘growing up’… and developed mild OCD. I guess it isn’t exactly helpful that I’m a snob and, therefore, refuse to set foot anywhere that looks kind of dirty or is packed with guttersnipes. I am so sick of trashy looking girls in toilet queues telling me how it should take me “no less than 20 seconds” to use the facilities and get out. Some of us know what tights and heels are - and we do not appreciate your drunken slurring. Do you have any idea how much those Topshop tights cost? At how ill-tempered I would become if I were to rip them while rushing for Ms. Piss-a-lot? But clubs and city centre bars are not the only places drunks are confined to. Oh no. You only have to go to a cheapish pub anywhere in Beeston to uncover these hidden treasures.

There is nothing quite like a toothless, drunk man spitting on you as he asks if you ‘respect’ him at all. I can be cruel sometimes I know, but ask yourselves the following: would you rather be subjected to my sober and somewhat logical ranting or that of the world’s drunkest man? Because I’ll tell you now, people, I saw the world’s drunkest man in A&E last September and he couldn’t even walk, let alone form a grammatically correct sentence. Finally, I would like to address the wrongdoers and say the following: I don’t know why you drink so much in one sitting. Also, I don’t know why you don’t do it at home as opposed to

TF:

hear what you’re saying, favourite-Nora-of-mine, about drunk blokes. I hear what you’re saying mainly because you growl about it most times I see you. But do you honestly expect us to overlook the fact that you SERVE THEM BEER. Maybe we should actually blame you? So ner. Besides, imagine how totally crap (if they ever sober-up enough) it will feel for the Professionally BoozedUp Beestonians the red-face angries who march around our streets, and loll-about our parks and graveyards - to realise that, through their drunkeness they have become a local comic figure... or hate figure... or pity figure. I mean, I dislike myself when I’m drunk – these guys are like that all the

time. And everyone dislikes them. There are many kinds of Drunk (I, for one, become a strange concoction of either EVEN MORE hilariously funny; familiar and very argumentative or EVEN MORE hilariously funny; redfaced and tired). Although what we drink appears to tailor the result somewhat, we have no control over what kind of drunk we become. Some people who are ordinarily quite conscientious and considerate become loud and thuggish; professional types can degenerate into complete and utter nobheads, and I have seen some of my most right-on feminist sistas grovel around in the shallows of mortifying exhibitionism at the end of a That is all, and thank you. Nora ‘my next one’s a water’ Dimitrova particularly well-oiled evening. The my work place or (on the rare occasion I’m actually on the other side of the bar) in the pub - like you. Maybe you have issues and need someone to talk to? If that’s the case, go find someone other than me because quite frankly, I don’t care. Also, the next time you harass me in any way while drunk, I will not be appear OK with it at all. In fact, I may go as far as to build a sobering-up cage and lock you in there until you come to your senses. So, in conclusion, Drunks of the World: please stay away from me, unless you plan on buying me drinks too.

only sure-fire thing we can do to prevent this is NOT DRINK. However, for the Professionally BoozedUp Beestonians, therein lies the rub: they’re alcoholics they can’t Not Drink. It might kill them. Don’t get me wrong, I think they can spoil things for the rest of us. I have often been put-off sitting in the prettier, greener parts of Beeston because there’s a man rolling around in all he owns with a empty blue vat of White Lightening clutched to his bosom; or the only bench going free has a woman sat opposite who looks like a half-deflated, balloon animal full of marbles. It’s off-putting. They might start talking to me or something. I don’t understand why we haven’t evolved the capability to be inebriated AND high-functioning human beings at the same time. Or at least washed, dressed AND drunk. I imagine that not having a home to go to doesn’t help. However, I can’t imagine how crap that must feel. I once saw a man on TV who had recently been made homeless by a catalogue of events that could happen to any of us. He described homelessness as “feeling like you just want to go home all the time then realising you never can”. If that doesn’t make you want to buy them a bacon butty, I don’t know what will. Or maybe you just DON’T HAVE A HEART AT ALL. On occasion, shockingly nasty things have been overheard muttered by people holding a fete in the Churchyard, and coming out from a service, about the vagrants of the Parish. This strikes me as not very ‘christian’ behaviour; that maybe they should realise how it could easily be them (‘there but for lack-ofjob go I’?) but what do I know - I don’t believe in God; I have no moral code… What are the chances of us helping them out; of us getting them a nice little place (maybe with their own garden to roll around in) and a NHS programme to quit the drink? Maybe we could find them something TO DO? Lord knows, if I had no reason to get up in the morning except to avoid being kicked about, or my only friends were all drunkard characters from The Simpsons, I dunno – I might be napping amongst dead people and shouting at the happy wedding guests at All Saints church an’ all. I told you. I hate myself when I’m drunk. But not as much as I hate other people when I’m drunk. We should seriously discuss this, people. And not over a pint. Tamar ‘I blame the bar staff’ Feast

GOODBYE, WILKO…

…HELLO, TEMPLE. It’s Easter Sunday and I’m in a church.

Unsurprising, perhaps, but here there are drummers, pipe players, coconut milk being poured over statues of elephant gods and such a terrific amount of vivid colours I can now imagine what it’d be like to drop acid in a Skittles factory. Incense burns, the pipes rasping tunes become hypnotic and for a moment, just a moment, I’m somewhere else.

of the shrines are worth a visit alone. The venture hasn’t been universally appreciated, however. On the opening day a family pile up to the police outside, trying to lodge a complaint about, variously: “traffic” (there is none) “noise” (yes, there is, but this is for the Temple’s inauguration, and the rest of Beeston is tolerant of the camponology ringing out from All Saints’ belfry, which

Customers read messages left for Wilkinsons during the last few days.

Back in Issue 5 of The Beestonian, we

reported the awful news about Wilkos in Beeston Square closing. This coincided with the editor of this publication embarking on a whirlwind tour of media interviews; launching a petition; appearing at Broxtowe Borough Council meetings, and all-round campaigning to stop the institution that is – was – Wilkinsons from disappearing from Beeston altogether. Yet despite all our best efforts, along with support from our MP; every local councillor; the Nottingham Post and an overwhelming majority of Beestonians, Wilkos shut-up shop on Friday 13th April, a day early due to stock running out. The 56 workers were broken-up; half taking a paltry redundancy payment and the rest being pushed into lowergrade positions at other local branches. Why was this allowed to happen? Many blamed the tram – but with a little scrutiny applied to the situation, the truth will out. Wilkinsons’ Head Office, for the sake of a few bob, have royally dumped on Beeston.

Wilkinsons have royally dumped on Beeston…

The full story can be read online on the Beestonia blog, but to summarise: the Council and Henry Boot developers are hardly innocent here, initiating a petty battle for control, but both have been driven by a desire to improve Beeston. The tram may have been the reason for the demolition of the store, but has no part to play in the failure to relocate. That can be firmly left at the door of Wilkinsons’ Management, who have played a cynical game of brinksmanship with Beeston to wring every penny out of us. In doing so, we’ve now lost an institution, and 56 Beestonians are in a worse employment situation than necessary. Still, we’re getting a Waitrose (according to sources involved in future development) which is great when I want olive-paste and 392 varieties of sun-blushed tomatoes, but utterly useless when I want anything remotely useful. So come on, Wilkinsons, swallow your pride and come back to Beeston. We once loved each other. All is not lost. Sign up to the new Square and let’s have fun again. Of course, if money is more important, than all I can say is ‘You’ve changed’. I await your reply. LB

The Temple interior - believe us, it was in full, glorious colour!

“‘I was in Kerala a few months ago,’ says Becky, the BBC Radio Nottingham reporter, ‘ but I might as well have stayed here” I nod in agreement. This is Beeston Rylands, and it’s brilliant. The Sri Thurkkai Amman Temple on West Crescent is now officially open, and The Beestonian recommends you get down and have a look for yourself. It’s a visual feast; a fantastic use of a derelict space that we’re sure will become a key feature of The Rylands. As well as the main hall area there’s a huge amount of space the Temple are offering out to community projects, playgroups, meetings or events. You, as a Beestonian are welcome. The temple wants people of all faith (or none at all) to visit. The craftsmanship

is MUCH louder) and “The Smell’” (incense - that historically horrible, awful smell). The WPC listens, addresses the points then says ‘Why don’t you go in, and see for yourself?’ The family look baffled, then angry and storm off. Don’t be like them. Or the people who have repeatedly smashed the windows of the Temple. Experience something truly positive. Let’s face it, Ganesha is probably what a god should look like... LB The Temple is open everyday with Pūjā (a Hindu offering in exchange for blessings) held twice daily at 12 noon and 7 pm. Food is served at 8 pm. All welcome. Sri Thurkkai Amman Temple, West Crescent, Beeston.