The Blue & Gray Press

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APRIL FOOL’S EDITION

GRAY & BLUE THE UNIVERSITY OF MOSTLY WOMEN STUDENT NEWSPAPER

APRIL FOOL’S PAGE All articles on this page should be considered satirical and not be taken too seriously.

PRESS

March 29, 2018

VOLUME 91 | ISSUE 20 SASSING THE COMMUNITY SINCE

Paino’s playlist leaked to UMW RYAN BRAUCH Sports Editor

On Monday Mar. 26, personal information of University of Mary Washington President Troy Paino was leaked to the entire faculty and staff of Mary Washington campus. An anonymous student hacker was able to gain access to Paino’s email account in which they discovered Paino’s mixtape and numerous personal pictures, such as Paino in the bathtub, amongst others sent to his wife Kelly Paino. The hacker then shared the hidden contents of the emails to the entire student body along with the entirety of the faculty and staff of both the Fredericksburg and Stafford campuses. In addition, the hacker also shared Paino’s mixtape on Spotify, Apple Music and Pandora to make it easier for students to share and listen to the President’s hot tracks. Some of Paino’s most popular songs include: “Spending tuition”, “Straight outta Brompton”, “I kissed a squirrel” and “SUITS.”. “It definitely sounds like something I could get down to at Bourbon Room,” said senior English major Kelly Emmrich as she jammed to “Spending Tuition”. One group of students have taken such a liking to Paino’s music, that they have started a petition to get the President to open for rapper T-Pain for the Spring Concert in April. “I’ve been listening to it nonstop, T-Paino opening for T-Pain would be legendary and probably the coolest thing to ever happen at UMW,” said sophomore biology major Lauren Closs. Despite his mixtape’s rising popularity, Paino refuses to leave his house

out of embarrassment and is refusing to take interviews or speak to the press. “Everyone needs to give him some space, he made a mistake and now he is trying to figure everything out. It’s a process,” said senior women and gender studies and journalism major Es Hethcox. As the Spring Concert draws near, students await to see if their president will take the stage and drop some bars. This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.

wikimedia commons

Administration orders rock removal Es Hethcox Online Editor

any class, so the identity of the painter is unknown. The guerilla artist painted a nude image of Dwayne Johnson, popularly referred to as “The Rock” on the rock. “I was going to use the rock for my project,” McIntyre said. “I was going to do a painting of Nicolas Cage.” While several families on tour were aghast at the remarkable likeness of the piece, certain students appreciated the accuracy of the rendition. “It was a solid piece,” Spanish major Izzy Briones said. Junior Ryan Brauch agreed that the piece was “above average.” Some students voiced that the size of the rock did not accurately display the image. “I wish the artist had chosen a different canvas, the size of the rock did not do the piece justice,” sophomore Ronic Ngambwe said. Although the rock is slated for removal, students are already starting to figure out a different landmark to paint. This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.

On the night of March 26 Student Activities and Engagements announced that UMW administration has made plans to remove the Spirit Rock. The rock is currently scheduled to be removed on April 2. Campus Police will accompany the removal crew in case of student protest. The rock, which has been a part of UMW for decades, has been a hubbub of advertisement, birthday wishes, student comradity and a canvas for student expression for many years. Many students are upset with the impending removal of the historic UMW landmark. “I am OUTRAGED,” junior Lauren Closs said. “The rock is a valuable platform for students. If we don’t have outlets for student creativity then we are just as repressed as Liberty University students.” Sophomore, Meaghan McIntyre, expressed her disappointment in the administration’s decision. This administrative decision was instigated by an inappropriate image painted on the rock March 26, 2018 by an art student. The work was not part of

An anonymous student hacker shared some of President Paino’s confidential photos.

1922

ODR changes policy to allow pigs and miniature horses as service animals LAUREN CLOSS Life Editor

Service animals can be a life-saving resource for individuals with disabilities. While knowledge and awareness of service dogs has improved immensely in recent years, very few public places allow other types of service animals that can be equally beneficial. This is about to change, however, at the University of Mary Washington where recent requests from students with disabilities over the last year has encouraged the Office of Disability Resources (ODR) and the Office of Residence Life to look into allowing service pigs and miniature horses on campus. According to an ODR representative, they were compelled to look into the policy change as several students that would benefit from service animals are allergic to or have an intense fear of dogs. After consulting with allergists, they found that while individuals may be more allergic to certain breeds, there

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is no such thing as a truly hypoallergenic dog. It is also much more common to be allergic to household pets, so many people that are allergic to dogs do not have the same reaction to pigs and horses. Currently at UMW, students can already have an undefined variety of animals as support animals, which are defined by the ODR webpage as “an animal that provides emotional or other support which ameliorates one or more identified symptoms or effects of a person’s disability.” Service animals, however, which are defined by the webpage as “any animal (dogs) that is individually trained to do work or perform tasks for the benefit of an individual with a disability.” Following requests from students, ODR and Residence Life recognized the need to allow a larger variety of service animals, which can accompany students around campus and into classes in addition to living with them in residence halls.

BEACH BOD

Music to pump up your time in Anderson. LIFE | 9

One of the students that submitted a request to ODR discussed the use of pigs and horses as service animals. “Farm animals can be just as smart or smarter than a lot of dogs,” she said, “so they can be easier to train, and they live for a lot longer.” As good as this policy change sounds, there have been some surprising logistical challenges. According to a Residence Life representative, there have been several options discussed for where to keep the animals on campus. “We were initially in discussion with Hazelwild Farms, who we already have a partnership with, but we decided that we ideally would like to be able to keep the service animals in the rooms with students. Many of the rooms in the UMW Apartments don’t have carpet and could easily be altered to include stables.” This new policy change has inspired animal lovers on campus to start clubs focused on fundraising and raising awareness for service pigs and service

NO OPINIONS

Students refuse to comment this week. VIEWPOINTS |

miniature horses, similar to the current club Canine Companions for Independence (CCI). “We just really saw a need,” said one student. “Everyone cares about the dogs but no one is recognizing the horses, and they could really help people. We could work with the Guide Horse Foundation and farms in the local area to train service animals of all types.” Another student expressed her concern over the ignorance surrounding the term ‘service animal’. “A lot of people say service animal when they mean service dog. This is the type of exclusive behavior we won’t stand for. Service animals can come from a wide variety of species beyond just dogs. People should be more accepting.” This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.

GOLF CART GUY

Student legend wins gold in golf cart cup.

SPORTS | 12


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