THE
The University of Mary Washington Student Newspaper
GREY & BLUE PRESS VOLUME 94 | ISSUE 8
Serving the community since 1922
MARCH 32, 2021
White man spontaneously combusts when asked by student to wear a mask on campus On the afternoon of March 29, an unidentified white man was jogging maskless on campus. He passed by many signs signifying the campus mask mandate, but it wasn’t until a student confronted him on his maskless state that he finally responded. After the altercation, the maskless man fell to the ground and spontaneously combusted. “I was on the way to my Chinese class when I saw him,” said sophomore communication and digital studies major Josephine Johnson, the student that confronted the maskless man. “All I said was, ‘Excuse me, you need to wear a mask on campus.’ He started turning red and I could tell he was trying to think of something sexist to say back to me, but then he just collapsed.” When UMW PD arrived, there was nothing left of the man but his white tennis shoes, athletic shorts and blue lives matter t-shirt. UMW Police Chief Michael Hall cautioned students not to approach men like Johnson did. “This student’s attempt to make campus safer, while I believe her heart was in the right place, should’ve been left up to the professionals,” said Hall. “If we had asked the man politely to put on a mask and provided him with one, he might still be alive. We want to send the message that, ‘Hey, you may have to wear a mask on
JESS KIRBY News Editor
our campus, but that doesn’t mean you’re not welcome here, it just means you have to follow the protocols in place.’ I’d even settle for below the nose.” Sophomore English major Abigail Weber witnessed the altercation. “I don’t get anti-maskers,” said Weber. “Look, best case scenario you’re right and you made the tremendous
“He started turning red and I could tell he was trying to think of something sexist to say back to me, but then he just collapsed.” -Josephine Johnson
Although The Grey & Blue Press was not allowed access, student Patrick Brown recreated the crime scene, pre-combustion. Jess Kirby / The Grey & Blue Press
sacrifice of putting some cloth on your face for a few months. Worst case scenario you kill someone’s meemaw. The risks don’t really line up.” Johnson does not believe her actions caused the man’s death. “Well I certainly didn’t mean to kill the man, I think his masculinity was just that fragile. Maybe he should try a neck gaiter next time,” she said. This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.
UMW launches new mental health program, “Go for a walk you ungrateful brats”
KATE SELTZER Editor-In-Chief
On March 31, UMW administration announced a new mental health initiative to combat the stress of an academic year like no other. #GoForAWalkYouUngratefulBrats (GFAWYUB) will go into effect next week. “We know students are overworked, overwhelmed and struggling now more than ever,” said UMW Provost
“I thought that the announcement about a new mental health initiative might be to hire more counselors at the Talley Center, but this is equally good and effective.” -Josephine Johnson Nina Mikhalevsky. “We hear you, we see you, and we want to help. That’s why we’re so excited about #GFAWYUB.” The idea behind #GFAWYUB is to get students out of their dorms — and heads — and into the outdoors. Any time students feel anxious or depressed or exhibit
any other symptoms of mental illness, they are encouraged to post a picture to social media of themselves walking with the hashtag #GFAWYUB. Because of the significant cost of promotion, #GFAWYUB will cost the school roughly $200,000. According to Mikhalevsky, those concerned about the cost should not fear: every student that participates will be given a free water bottle and a pen. “I’m so grateful that UMW is really listening to our concerns as a student body,” said sophomore communication and digital studies major Josephine Johnson. “I thought that the announcement about a new mental health Grey & Blue Press editors Abigail Weber (left) and Jess Kirby (right) try out the initiative might be to hire more counselors at new #GoForAWalkYouUngratefulBrats program. It cured their depression. the Talley Center, but this is equally good and Kate Seltzer / The Grey & Blue Press effective.” “We really hope students will take advantage of Sophomore sociology and communication major #GFAWYUB,” she said. “Also, we’ve decided to get rid Jess Kirby was one of the participants in a trial run for of spring break permanently.” #GFAWYUB. This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and “Within hours, I felt the depression leaving my is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or body,” she said. quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously. Mihalevsky hopes the new initiative will alleviate stress for burnt out students.
Sammy D. Eagle and Simpson Owl married
Josephine johnson News Editor
Sammy D. Eagle and the Simpson Library Owl ended their years-long enemies-to-lovers trope by marrying under the new bistro lights on Ball Circle. The university budgeted $50,000 for the wedding. There was a buffet of all kinds of mice, which was catered by Sodexo. All students and staff were invited regardless of MMDC restrictions. President Troy Paino officiated the wedding, crying tears of joy.
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However, other students were not amused. “I hope that their marriage marks the end of our school’s fake activism,” says sophomore communication and digital studies and sociology major Jess Kirby. “Instead of making changes that ensure transgender students correct names will be used, UMW gave pronouns to their birds.” “I just worry about their disagreements, Ref Desk Owl is always seen wearing his mask and face shield but Sammy has never been seen with a mask,” said
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sophomore English major Abigail Weber. “Sammy D. and Ref Desk Owl’s union is the single most important thing to happen on campus. My classes were canceled for the wedding,” said senior political science and communication major Kate Seltzer. “What a way to finish out my time at UMW.” This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.
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