VOL 8, NO. 10
This paper got YAELed
THE FIRST of APRIL of the T WO THOUSAND and ELEVENTH YEAR of OUR LORD
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Pres faces changes post-inauguration
Board to slash president’s pay By Alexander the Great Imperial Editor
photo by Fizzy Buble/the hoot
Name change to reflect univ success By Wittenberg Writer Mama Owl
In an effort to give a more positive spin on the university, President Frederick M. Lawrence announced Wednesday he would be changing his name to Frederick Tiberius Weinstein. Weinstein said he made the decision after a student explained to him that his initials, FML, stood for “Fuck My Life.” “I realized I was signing all of my e-mails with my initials, and that it was giving the impression that Brandeis was not the best place,” Weinstein said. “Brandeis is a wonderful place, I wanted my initials to reflect that.” Weinstein chose his new initials, FTW, because it stands for “For The Win.” “It’s an enormous plus for the community because it gives us a great basis and it is something that can be used to broaden out into the community,” Weinstein said. “It’s a way to include all people; that’s the first thing.” Lawrence said that though the switch comes abruptly, “One of the glories of this university,
with all of its problems, is that we reshuffle the deck occasionally.” The name-change was entirely Weinstein’s idea, however Vice President of Communications Andrew Gully said it made his job easier. “Now every e-mail has positive spin,” Gully said. “We will have to change all of the stationary, but it’s worth it.” Weinstein said he had been considering changing his name to reflect the acronym LOL (Laughing Out Loud), because it is also positive, but was worried that people would think he was not taking his job seriously. “I happen to have this old-fashioned belief that being president is a great and noble profession,” he said. “I don’t want anyone to take this lightly.” Weinstein’s former initials have been the subject of ridicule in the past when Brandeis’ premiere newspaper, The Blowfish, broke the story of the hidden meaning behind them. “We really thought it was an important issue to bring to the community,” Blowfish editor Alex Norris said.
THE HOOT INVESTIGATES
Where have all the cages gone?
Waltham cage market decimated following egg switch By Nathan Krauss
Associate Provost Editor
After much student activism including a petition, beginning next year Brandeis will be an entirely cage-free egg campus. Animal rights activists are jubilant, the majority are merely apathetic, but for workers at the Waltham Cage and Metalwork Factory, the change has been disastrous. “My father, my grandfather, all my ancestors worked here making cages for cafeteria-bound chickens,” laid-off worker Petra Adams told this reporter. “My family has been providing cruelty to those animals since before the first egg was even laid.” Brandeis Senior Vice President for Operations Mark Collins responded by calling the metal cage industry an “axis of egg evil,” and recommended workers like Adams try the other all-new food offerings on campus, conveniently highlighted on Dining Services’ new plasma menu screens (giant TVs) installed at all locations. But the cage-makers’ trials have wreaked havoc on the rest of the local economy as well. Waltham, long known for the watchmakers’ trade, has seen so much unused metal rusting away since cage orders for Brandeis chickens
were canceled that the City Council banned the import of new metal material. The watch industry has suffered accordingly, forced to make faulty, off-schedule timepieces with the metal remnants of animal cruelty. (Karmatically too, the expected gains in the Brandeis endowment were all based on rosy watch futures, and the market has forced Brandeis to consider even more costly cuts—except in the renowned Dining Services.) The time debacle is probably why this reporter arrived late to an interview with another laid-off metalworker, who offered a sordid caution against the kind of economic destruction “misplaced” university activism could bring to the common man. (In another related matter, the defective timepieces have caused the infamous “Brandeis time” to disappear entirely, and all classes for next semester have started to actually begin on the hour.) The second sorry former cage worker said she had always had a contingency plan for her family in case she ever found herself unemployed: she had all her factory unemployment package pegged to the “ever-stable price of a human food staple,” eggs. “But now,” Cassidy Earnhart said in her empty kitchen, flanked by two starving boys, “I can’t afford to feed Butch and Bo because all the new, cage-free eggs are more expensive!”
Board of Trustees Chair Malcolm Sherman revealed yesterday a plan to significantly reduce President Frederick Lawrence’s salary and use the funds for campus renovations. Per Lawrence’s contract, he is required to work for the school for at least five years, but his salary is not specified. With yesterday’s inauguration complete, Sherman said in an interview, the board is free to cut Lawrence’s salary as much as they want. “We weren’t trying to be sneaky or anything. But with the inauguration over, Lawrence has no choice but to continue as President. The inauguration binds him to this school, which is, after all, an honor no matter the pay,” he said. Mark Collins, senior vice president for administration, clarified the plan: “The Board notified President Lawrence 23 minutes after his inauguration speech of its plan to reduce his pay to $35,000 per year, with the other $450,000 to be used to improve the old science complex, Rabb Academic Building and other buildings in desperate need of repair.” Collins also clarified that any funds not used for building projects would be added to the President’s base compensation package as bonuses. “The board isn’t making any promises, though,” he added. “Some of these buildings are so worn, we are embarrassed to even let prospective students attend classes when they visit campus.” Lawrence was unavailable for immediate comment, because he is in Florida for the day, soliciting donations for the university, before he returns for the inaugural ball tomorrow evening. Asked whether this plan had been put in place before, Sherman acknowledged it had. “In 1991, when we were trying to attract Presi-
dent Thier, we offered him $900,000 a year for three years. The day after the inauguration, when we reduced that pay to $200,000, Thier was furious,” he said. “We could afford that in those days, but it was still a pretty big reduction. That’s why he left us in 1994.” President Jehuda Reinharz also took a pay cut, although it was insignificant, Sherman confirmed. “His inauguration went well, but when we reduced his pay from $500,000 to $200,000, Reinharz threatened to sell the art collection in the Rose Art Museum and pay himself from those funds. Some in the Board thought it was an empty threat, but when Reinharz started making calls to collectors, we just did not want the publicity, you know? We increased the pay to somewhere around $475,000 or something like that. Why do you think he stayed here so long?” Professor Steven Whitfield (AMST), who is writing a history of Brandeis, explained that traditionally, inaugurations were a financial tool that the Board of Trustees used to coerce a president. “Presidents arrive at Brandeis and they think, great, I am in control, but that’s not really true,” he said. “They are for a few months, but once the inauguration happens, everything changes. They become bound to the university by contracts, not by their salary. It’s like a marriage. Before the event, everything is great. Afterwards, reality sets in.” Asked why presidents have not learned from the past, Whitfield clarified, “This is only the eighth president. None were very good communicators, so I guess they haven’t shared much advice with their successors.” The news isn’t all that bad, though, according to Whitfield. “My office gets really hot on summer days and really cold in the winter,” he said. “I can’t wait until the renovations begin.”
Top administrators to get down with Liquid Latex in fundraising attempt By Wittenberg Writer Mama Owl
Several key university administrators will be participating in this years performance of Liquid Latex in an effort to raise money for the university, Senior Vice President of Communications Andrew Gully announced Thursday. Liquid Latex is an art show with performers and dancers wearing nothing but a thin coat of latex. All proceeds from the show this year will go to the university. The university would not release details related to what images would be painted on the administrators, however Gully said they would be doing a dance to a medly of songs in an act titled “pandering.” Among the songs will be M.I.A.’s “Paper Planes,” P. Diddy’s “all about the Benjamin’s” and “If I were a rich man” from the musical Fiddler on the Roof. Though Gully would not specify who of the current administration will be participating in the dance, he did say that there would be a guest appearance by former university president Jehuda Reinharz. “Throughout his career as president, Reinharz has shown his commitment to fundraising for this university,” Gully said. “This is just the latest step he is taking.” Gully said he was originally supposed to be in the act, but will not be participating in the dance due to an ankle injury sustained playing basketball last month. Sources close to the administration said the performance is a part of current university President Frederick Lawrence’s commitment to raise $80 million by the end of the university fiscal year in June. While there has been no official announcement as to whether Lawrence will be participating in the festivities, the source said he has been disappearing from his office every
photo courtesy brandeisnow
week for two hour increments, coincidentally at the same time rehearsals for the performance were being held. The announcement of the administration’s participation in Liquid Latex recieved much support from the university art community, which has felt spurned in the years following the Rose Art Museum fiasco. “I was really worried the university wasn’t committed to the arts anymore,” said one Fine Arts major. “But this changes everything.”