The_Hoot_03-26-2010- April Fools

VOL 7, NO. 9

THE FIRST of APRIL of the TWO THOUSAND and TENTH YEAR of OUR LORD

BRANDEIS UNIVERSITY'S FINEST NEWS SOURCE

BRANDEISHOOTERS.COM

Castle condemned after ceiling collapse

Waltham Health Department declares building ‘a danger,’ evacuation to start over break

BY ALEXIS DE TOCQUEVILLE Special Hooter

Students living in Usen Castle will be required to evacuate their rooms over Passover break following a ruling that the building was “a danger” to its occupants by the Waltham Health Department, according to Directory of Community Living Jeremy Leiferman.

On Thursday, Leiferman was contacted

by Vice President for University Operations, Mark Collins to begin preparations for evacuation following a determination

by the Waltham Health Department that the building is uninhabitable. For more than a year, the Health Department had been investigating complaints by a former Castle resident of chronic flooding and rodent infestation, but had not made its intentions to condemn the building public until this week.

Chief Inspector of the Health Department Michelle Feeley said the department was ambivalent about taking action until it received reports about a collapsed ceiling in the Castle three weeks ago.

“The law is unambiguous,” Feeley told The Hoot. “According to State and Waltham City code 105 CMR 410.750, that building endangers the health and safety of its occupants. We had no choice but to condemn the building when Brandeis told us it would not be able to fix the problem

due to the economic climate.”

Feeley also quoted 105 CMR 410.500, which says, “Every owner shall maintain the foundation, floors, walls, doors, windows, ceilings, roof, staircases, porches, chimneys and other structural elements of his dwelling so that the dwelling excludes wind, rain and snow, and is rodent-proof, water-tight and free from chronic dampness, weather-tight, in good repair and in every way fit for the use intended.”

“Clearly, Brandeis University has failed in this regard,” Feeley said.

Waltham Mayor Jeannette A. McCarthy declined to speak with The Hoot, but provided a written statement describing Brandeis’ disregard for living standards as “irresponsible.”

Both Brandeis President Jehuda Reinharz and Collins refused to comment for

this story or answer the Mayor’s claims, referring The Hoot to Leiferman.

The Department of Community Living has yet to find temporary housing for Castle residents, Leiferman said.

“We are confident that the Health Department will reverse its decision when it meets with us next week,” Leiferman said.

“If it does not, we have discussed other options, including renting rooms at Bentley University and shuttling students between the campuses.”

Leiferman could not speculate as to whether the Castle would be fixed in a timely fashion.

“That building has been trouble for years,” he said. “We only keep it because of the U.S. News and World Report ranking, which has increased the number of unique applications to Brandeis by more than 500 per year.”

Justice League approved Vote draws 27 students, passes with overwhelming 71.6 percent approval

BY BRET FAVRE Special Hooter

Provost, board support Smart campaign PHOTO ILLUSTRATION The Little Mermaid/The Hoot

SMARTIES: Provost Marty Krauss presents her idea at the board of trustees meeting Wednesday to advertise Smart Balance as a means for increasing university revenue through royalties.

BY THE LITTLE MERMAID Special Hooter

The board of trustees has decided to finance a multi-million dollar marketing campaign for the butter-imitation spread Smart Balance in an effort to increase university revenue through royalties. The plan was proposed to the board by the Bold Ideas Group (BIG), just one of many committees charged with finding unique ways for Brandeis to increase revenues and solve its annual $25 million budget shortfall.

Smart Balance partnered with the university in 2008 in a $1 million industry-sponsored research agreement to help make the buttery-spread more healthy by developing more healthful combinations of fats. The agreement was the second largest in Brandeis history.

Executive Director of the Office of Technology Licensing Irene Abrams said the patent for Smart Balance’s original technology was issued in 1996 and Brandeis now licenses the original technology to Smart Balance Inc. Provost Marty Krauss, who chairs BIG, said the proposal was made and passed by the board despite the committee being un-

THIS WEEK:

sure of exactly how much revenue the university could get from an increase in Smart Balance sales.

“I don't want to get into the arithmetic of this,” Krauss wrote in an e-mail message to The Hoot. “The board was looking for a commitment from the university that we are serious about solving this budget crisis, and we gave it to them. That’s all that matters.”

President Jehuda Reinharz would not comment on the matter and referred questions to Vice President of Communications Andrew Gully.

“This is just one of a history of bold actions Brandeis has taken to help alleviate our budget concerns,” Gully said. “If you look at our past steps, like selling art from The Rose and cutting academic programs like Cultural Productions, you can see we have a history of success.”

Krauss revealed that the brief appearance of a tub of Smart Balance on the university Web site last year was part of a BIG study on how best to incorporate the university’s mission with its newfound advertising deal.

“This is a great way to reinvent our university and show perspective students what Brandeis is all about,” she wrote.

SSIS secured, buys 1 condom to meet increased demand Hoot Scoops, page 100

The Student Union Judiciary (UJ) will be renamed the Justice League after the student body approved a constitutional amendment Sunday.

The name change will be part of an effort to reform the image of the UJ, signifying an increased focus on crime fighting, Student Union President Andy Hogan ’11 said. Hogan also discussed the change in his State of the Union address March 15.

“I was reading the Brandeis Law Journal lately, and I realized there were no pictures in it,” Hogan said. “Now if you’re like me, this would have been the first thing you’ve ever read without pictures. Our Student Union government should always be striving to be more like the comic books of our youth. I want a judicial body with fewer justices and more JUSTICE.” Chief Justice Judah AquaMarans ’11 also strongly supports the change.

“Legally speaking, it’s important for justices to take a more active role in applying law to our small society here at Brandeis,” AquaMarans said. “And that means all laws. We at the Brandeis Law Journal have already taken it upon ourselves to compile a list of every law students must follow, and we intend to enforce them.”

AquaMarans could not be directly reached for a follow-up due to the recent rainstorms.

However, in a message sent by one of his dolphin friends, he expressed his hope that the new Justice League will make incidents like the recent Aronin uprising “only remotely possible.”

He was referring to the failed attempt by the UJ to permanently remove Secretary Diana Aronin from the Student Union Executive Board and to put a stop to her attempts

Arts at Brandeis!

Hoot Scoops, page 19 Hoot Scoops, page 100

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION The Little Mermaid/The Hoot

to “take over the university, one screwed up election at a time.”

Though impeached, Aronin reclaimed her position by rallying an army of Facebookaddicted voters from her tower in the Castle and then leading them in a desperate charge against the gates of Shapiro Campus Center.

“That was a shock,” wrote AquaMarans. “I don’t see democracy. I don’t actually see more than a few feet in front of me down here. But I always see the law.”

Justices Flash Kriegsman ’11, Ryan Martian Manhunter ’10, Justin Green Lantern ’10, and Hawkgirl Eid ’11 could not be reached for comment while they battled the forces of evil at Tufts University.

James Cameron will direct the next Justice League trial at a cost of $200 million. In a stock letter to The Hoot, President Jehuda Reinharz expressed his support for this financial decision.

@BrandeisHooters.com Hooter Audio

Brandeis Watch: Sahar for President!

Third Wavelength: Feministings Sports Blitz: Football team wins big

EDITORIALS

2 The Brandeis Hoot

Established 1785 "To acquire wisdom, one must do nothing."

The Little Mermaid Editor of the Sea Alexis de Tocqueville Editor of America Fate What Happens Editor Nathan’s Hot Dogs Sustenance editor Bret Favre Minnesota Vikings Editor The Little Callahan Public Safety Editor Vicks Vapor Rub Health Editor Jodi Elk Wildlife Editor Maxwell’s Silver Hammer Tools Editor David Olgivy Advertising Editor Vanessa Burr American History Editor Savannah Georgia Southern Editor Leah Left-kowitz Liberal Editor Shawn-C Fabery Pocket Librarian Uno Dos Santos Counting Editor Josh the Wiser USPS Manager Old Age Editors The Matriarchs: Sri, Kathleen, Alison, and Danielle

FOUNDED BY

Thomas Jefferson, George Washington and Mike Dukakis

CORRECTIONS An article published last week misspelled the word “Shapiro.” We don’t want to lose even more money for doing so. We regret the error.

A Brandeis Brief incorrectly stated that Brandeis is a non-sectarian university. We regret the error.

A column published three weeks ago sparked outrage when it characterized food at Brandeis as “tolerable.” We regret the error.

An editorial written last week stated that 30 rooms in East Quad flooded last week.

The actual number is 300. We regret the error.

A comic strip published in 2006 made statements that were not mature by any standard. Looking back, we regret the error.

A news article published last November misspelled the word “Brandeis.” We regret the error.

Another news article published last November misspelled the word “Brandeis.” We regret the error.

A third news article published last November misspelled the word “Brandeis.” We regret the error.

A fourth news article published last November misspelled the word “Brandeis.” We regret the error.

We also vow never again to list more than three jokes in a row. We regret the error.

A correction in last week’s issue was incorrect. We regret the error.

A

We unite behind the Union

s the terms of our duly elected student leaders wrap up this month, this board would like to take the opportunity to applaud them for all their innovative ideas and hardfought victories. Thank you.

We seem to remember that idea last fall for a garden between Chapels Field and Massell? The Student Union Senate reacted responsibly to this threat of vegetables overcrowding student living space, using a procedural detail to scuttle paying for the wooden crates. The Natural Living club’s organic garden was erected five days later and stands tall today, but our representatives tried to save us. That’s really all that counts.

Nothing was better for the public than the family feud: Secretary Diana Aronin’s actions towards the midyear senator amendment, which she did not put up for a vote within the Senate’s customary timetable. Our senators, yours and ours, fought bravely for the midyears among us, acting selflessly for their constituents. Aronin’s evil intentions almost brought down the president himself, who was subject to a vicious censure.

We unite behind the Administration

T

his editorial board had decided that for April Fools we would praise the university administration.

On second thought, we realized that praise for the administration is never acceptable, even as a joke.

We unite behind Aramark

T

his editorial board had decided that for April Fools we would praise Aramark. On second thought, we realized that praise for Aramark is never acceptable, even as a joke.

Think our editorials are wrong?

Too bad for you.

Letters to the Editor not accepted beginning April 1.

April 1, 2010

A cranio-ectomy for chicken pox, one might say, but it was sorely needed after such brazen discrimination of our late-coming students. Thank goodness the Senate has by now set it right, and all members of the student body have their votes counted and voices heard.

We were sorry to see Aronin reinstated less than a week later by an overwhelming margin. While she was not on the ballot, we hoped the robust power Union officials dispense could have preempted the ignorance of nearly 80 percent of the student body. Already, Aronin has been up to her usual tricks, e-mail spamming everyone on campus.

Students, we urge you to next time listen to your wise senators and legal judges at for whom at least 5 percent of you passionately cast ballots. They know better than you; they are in student government for a reason.

Look further at the wonderful results of the constitutional review vote. We are heartened by the refreshing name changes, which always foretell meaningful change. But we are further disappointed, student body, that you were

not up to the task of de-bureaucratizing the Union by voting for a ‘representative for underrepresented’ populations and the turning of one body into two.

But the government still cares for our poor, misguided concerns. The Senate should be commended for taking advantage of excess money in their account right before the end of its term.

After all, students would have been extremely disappointed for the waste of the money. It would have allowed the university or future Unions to retain more of the activity money we donated graciously after we signed our tuition bills.

Now, $1,601.10 has been dispensed for increasing outreach to the student body by the purchase of many boxes of chip clips.

The handy tools will be emblazoned with the Union logo so students will never forget or defy the diligent Student Union again.

We do not need them, your Excellencies! We could never turn away from the compelling advice of the Union, open, accountable and active as it is.

Justified?

The Hoot editorial board was very disappointed to read an editorial printed in the April 1 issue of the Justice insinuating that Brandeis students should refrain from sexual behavior on campus.

In fact, we have a sneaking suspicion that the whole thing is some kind of joke.

They start by calling Brandeis students “ugly.” Come on, Justice, like we’ve never heard that one before. What next, campus food is disgusting? There are a lot of buildings named Shapiro? Seriously, your attempts at humor are so formulaic that even a Blowfish writer would be embarrassed.

They go on to suggest that we should frown upon even the most mundane sexual contact, because it might offend Brandeis’ shomer negiah students. Nonsense, we say. Sure, we won’t stop you from living according to ancient Biblical laws, but we at The Hoot prefer having premarital sex and eating bacon-

Sleazy

by Matt Kupfer

wrapped shrimp.

We much prefer the suggestion offered by Innermost Parts March 24 when Brandeis’ leading socialist propaganda site took a break from its usual rumor-mongering to suggest resuscitating Dionysus Night, an event held during the sexy ’70s at which students sat naked on the Great Lawn and watched pornographic movies.

Frankly, the thought of the blog’s staff stripped down to their innermost parts makes us even happier than Jehuda Reinharz on a Vespa.

In fact, we think it should be taken a step further. Why don’t we have students produce their own, Brandeis-specific porn? Imagine: a strip tease from a Stein delivery boy, a wild night in the backseat of a BranVan, a naughty fling in the middle of Chapels Field. Tell us you wouldn’t come to the premiere of “Deflowering The Rose.”

And we do mean come.

March 26, 2010

ARTS, maybe.

The Brandeis Hoot 19

The Brandeis Hoot 332 Shapiro Campus Center Brandeis University Waltham, MA 02454 United States of America

Memorandum FROM: Ariel Wittenberg TO: Brandeis Community RE: Supposed Arts section

Dear Reader,

We realize this is supposed to be the Arts section of our newspaper; however, due to recent budget cuts, there are no arts at Brandeis.

Sorry,

Ariel Wittenberg Editor in Chief The Brandeis Hoot

HOOT SCOOPS

20 The Brandeis Hoot

T E R C E S TOP The Brandeis Conspiracy

April 1, 2010

What they don’t want you to know ...

Brandeis Edition How to Cut a Program, By Jehuda Reinharz, Special Hooter To the Brandeis Community:

The ___________ financial crisis and ______________ require Brandeis to formulate and execute _____________________that will position SYNONYM FOR WELL-THOUGHT-OUT PLAN

OTHER REALLY BAD THING

ADJECTIVE

the university to emerge ___________ for the ___________ of our students. To this end, our response to the ___________ is to focus and sustain POSITIVE VERB

NOUN

HORRIBLE EVENT

our core ___________. I am writing to tell you that the ___________ met today and voted to end the __________________. The decision was NOUN

RANDOM ACADEMIC INSTITUTION

ADMINISTRATIVE BODY

_________ and was reached after a ___________ assessment of the university’s need to ___________ and initiate a ___________ to accomplish ADJECTIVE

___________.

VAGUE VERB

NEGATIVE ADJECTIVE

VAGUE PLAN

SOMETHING VAGUE

___________ has been a marvelous addition to the __________________, and we are grateful to everyone who expressed their love for ACADEMIC INSTITUTION

PROGRAM TO WHICH IT BELONGS

___________ and admiration for Brandeis’s academic mission by helping to create, build, and support the ___________. Choosing between AREA OF STUDY

NAME OF DEPARTMENT

and among important and valued university assets is ___________, but our priority in the face of hard choices will always be the university’s _________________ .

NEGATIVE ADJECTIVE

VAGUE PHRASE FOR ACADEMICS

Attached you will find the university’s public statement to _______________.

Sincerely, Jehuda Reinharz

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