Tell Tyler’s story

Parents of athlete who died by suicide speak at JMU, spread mental health awareness

said.

The point isn’t to have an emotional talk, Mark said — it’s just the most transparent way they can tell Tyler’s story.

Mark and Kym have a routine before the talks, but Mark said he can’t practice them out loud: “I would just end up in a heap on the floor.”

“It’s OK to laugh. Laugh or cry, however you react to it — you’re not going to offend us,” Mark said. “You know, losing Tyler’s the hardest thing. Nothing else kind of comes close.”

Kym and Mark aren’t mental health practitioners or public speakers. Admittedly, they don’t take themselves too seriously. They just know they have an important story to tell, one that may save lives — which gives them an obligation to bring their very best to every venue they speak at.

But they’re tired afterward, because the story never changes. There’s no bringing Tyler back.

“I’m pissed, sad and mad at him because I don’t understand it,” Mark said. “What I’ve learned in five years is to say, neither did Tyler.”

The Hilinski parents spoke twice at JMU on Tuesday, once at noon for coaches and administrators — a “modified Tyler Talk,” Kym called it, in which she and Mark prepared them for what they’d tell the students and got feedback on how to address Bernett’s death — and again to a crowd of student-athletes at 7 p.m.

Mark and Kym spoke to The Breeze on Jan. 21 and again Jan. 24 after their Tyler Talk at JMU. The Breeze requested to attend the 7 p.m. Tyler Talk. JMU Athletics denied the request, citing a desire to foster a supportive and sensitive environment for student-athletes to be vulnerable.

As soon as Kym and Mark are done at a school, the Hilinskis carry on. After their second interview with The Breeze, an hour or so removed from their 7 p.m. talk at JMU, they said they’d be off to Central Michigan University on Wednesday morning for another Tyler Talk.

Mark and Kym don’t normally debrief after talks. They don’t go out afterward. The talks are emotionally draining and difficult enough.

But they still get through each one. Somewhere, one student-athlete may go, “They’re talking to me.” That’s what keeps them going, Mark said.

Kym and Mark said they’d slow down if Tyler Talks were detrimental to their mental health. Mark said they aren’t. And frankly, Mark said, they don’t feel like they’re getting to enough schools.

Tyler Talks hit some groups of studentathletes harder than others. When the Hilinskis visited George Mason in October, Mark told Sports Illustrated some of the school’s softball players were as sad as he’s ever seen a group after a Tyler Talk. Many players knew Bernett from her McDonald, Pennsylvania, hometown and grew up playing softball with her.

The Hilinskis said they didn’t want to make their talk at JMU all about Bernett. But it had to be addressed. They just didn’t initially realize the impact — and the aftermath — of her passing.

‘Feeling in the air’

One hundred and fifty Tyler Talks in four years couldn’t fully prepare Kym and Mark for Tuesday’s rendition at JMU. Mark expected sadness to overwhelm the talk, but he said he’d never experienced it to this extent.

Mark and Kym had never conducted a Tyler Talk at a school this closely removed from a student-athlete’s suicide before — or with those who the athlete was closest with in attendance.

“It was more — it’s a feeling in the air,” Kym said. “I felt it.”

JMU staffers spoke in unfinished sentences and struggled to find words in some conversations with Mark, he said. In those interactions, Mark said he could only suspect their minds wandered to the day of Bernett’s death, to Bernett’s family, to her team, to Bernett herself.

“It was just different,” Mark said, adding he’d never been as self-aware at a Tyler Talk than he was Tuesday — specifically, about checking where his messages and stories were heading. “It reminds us that time is healing’s best friend and enemy.”

Kym said she worried for the JMU studentathletes, especially those who knew Bernett. She knew everybody listening was thinking of Bernett. But at JMU, and at all Tyler Talks, Mark said, he emphasized that someone doesn’t need a tragedy to ask for help.

Part of the Hilinskis’ message usually revolves around student-athlete mental health awareness, but JMU student-athletes are a group who “needs that the least,” Mark said. They made a point to say JMU has great mental health resources.

Mark said he thought, overall, he and Kym accomplished what they needed to at JMU — which is to share Tyler’s story. No matter how difficult it can be.

“It’s always hard — Tyler died,” Mark said. “It can’t get harder.”

But the Hilinskis can’t always put a measure on the success of their talks right away, they said. Sometimes it comes days, weeks or months after, when a studentathlete reaches out to them. An athlete might say thank you for sharing Tyler’s story.

Another athlete might say thank you for saving their life. For keeping what happened to Tyler from happening to them.

“It’s sort of a gift to believe, or to hope, that we are changing and saving lives,” Kym said. “I mean, that’s an incredible achievement. And if it is truly happening, then it actually helps me more with my sadness.”

Read the full story at breezejmu.org

CONTACT Grant Johnson at breezesports@ gmail.com. For more sports coverage, follow the sports desk on Twitter @TheBreezeSports.