The Journey of a Magnum Opus

christy claymore

Holding you for the irst time was akin to seeing DaVinci’s sketch after seeing Michaelangelo’s sculptures: so many wonders in one day left me a little numb, a little unsure of how to take in one of the best pieces in the whole of the world.

And so I held you day after day, looking and looking to ind the feeling I should feel, but it turns out that awe blows you open like dandelion seeds never to be caught except by the wind, uncatchable itself. And so as you ran today and I heard the car coming, I shouted. STOP. Stop little one, please observe the hazards: dust and time and horsepower.

I remember how awful I felt: you were scratching your own face with your razor-sharp infant ingernails and so I tried to cut them with tiny ingernail cutters, and at the second or third nail, I cut your skin instead accidentally and baby-you cried and so did I. Until recently, I never again attempted it, giving the job instead to your father.

And I remember bathing you and I remember you laughing and loving the warm, soapy water in your baby bathtub, but then the water was cooled and I had to lift you out and dry you and though I had never touched a wet baby seal, that’s what your slippery skin was like and my heart almost ruptured: slippery-soft, wet baby skin, tile loor, oh my god don’t drop him. I held you as close as possible, more afraid than ever.

You run ahead of me now, or you stay behind, moping, and when I hear a car rushing our way, my heart races as it did when I irst lifted your slippery masterpiece out of that tiny little tub, and now I can not hold you as I did then: close to my chest, hand over your soft head.

And I know you are slipping away slowly into your own life, slipping as I couldn’t let you in infancy, but as I have to let you now with each passing day, slip and slip into a life that will hurt you and cut your heart even more brutally than some small, infant nail-cutters.

But for as long as it can, my heart will break with yours. And as your infancy caused me to be brave so I hope my presence will guide you in your own quest for courage.