ASK THE CHAP

the Chap...

By Wisbeach

A brand-new advice column, in which readers are invited to pose pertinent questions on sartorial and etiquette matters, and even those of a (steady on) romantic nature. Send your questions to wisbeach@thechap.co.uk

F. Agri (Fuglebjerg, Denmark): Personally, I have always been inclined towards plain woollen and knitted ties, but I admit to having been fairly impressed by one fellow at a bar who wore a tie with a pattern of little fox heads on it.

Indeed, I might have bought a not dissimilar specimen already, were it not for the fact that I seem to recall Jeeves being averse to a tie with horseshoes on it, in one of Wodehouse’s splendid stories. I should therefore like to lay this conundrum before you, in the hope that you will have the resources available to furnish me with proper guidance. The Chap: Sir, we understand your dilemma! Non-geometric patterns present a whole world of potential fauxes pas. The devil is in the detail, and rarely is the importance of detail in such stark contrast to the object’s seeming simplicity. A general rule of thumb is: if it has a face, it has no place.

We do not wish to use our neckties as a way of displaying our allegiances to cartoon characters, motor cars, or the flora and fauna of the world that we admire. It is quite simply a question of how the motif is displayed. A tie plastered with an entire

tiger would naturally bar entry to all but the most undesirable of clubs. However, a discreet design, where the animal motif, in your case a fox, has been turned into a repeat pattern, we feel is acceptable. Overall, the effect one is seeking is that the animal pattern, from a distance, resembles a geometric design that could just as easily be abstract. There are countless patterned Tootal ties that even Jeeves would have approved of. As far as we know, they never manufactured one with horseshoes on it.

Mr. B Flinkleston: I should very much like to purchase a pair of suede brogues, but have been warned by associates that they are deemed ‘caddish’. Is this true, and are there any particular styles of suede shoe that are less caddish than others? The Chap: Would a pair of leather brogues worn by Terry-Thomas not be caddish, sir? One’s footwear is only as caddish as one’s behaviour, so unless you are planning on cheating at Blackjack at Monte Carlo, then stealing into the room of a Moldavian princess to pilfer her diamond necklace, before breaking the heart of the receptionist, you may wear whatever style of suede shoes you wish.

Philip Wainwright: Regarding blazers, what’s your opinion between two-button front/three-button sleeve vs threebutton front/four button sleeve? Is the choice of trousers (grey or khaki) purely seasonal, or is there an element of formality involved? When is a blazer with a badge appropriate, or (more importantly) inappropriate or even pretentious? Ditto a pocket square? What else is important to know before slipping a blazer on? The Chap: Sir, your question refers to the singlebreasted blazer, whereas we would aver that doublebreasted, with four buttons, is far more dashing, as HRH the Prince of Wales confirms. The quantity of sleeve buttons depends on whether you are a Grenadier Guard (one button), Coldstream Guard (two), Scots Guard (three), Irish Guard (four) or Welsh Guard (five). If you are not a Guards Officer you may wear as many cuff buttons as you wish. As to badges, these are only worn on club blazers and would be inappropriate on any other form of blazer. A pocket square, needless to say, is de rigeur. As to pantaloons, we would counsel the wearing of grey flannels with a blazer for all seasons, unless you purport to don chinos and thereby resemble an American office worker at the races.

Montague Gristle: Should a chap wash his ‘vegetables’ in a bidet? The Chap: Mr. Gristle, this is a pertinent, though currently purely academic query, as the joys of foreign travel are not permitted (at time of writing). It must be said, however, that said joys do not include the contemplation, or indeed proper usage, of that

preposterous miniature bathtub in the hotel washing chamber. This contraption we recommend should only be used for the storage of champagne on ice – though not after the bottle has been opened, for sanitary reasons.

Philip West: I am currently suffering a sartorial crisis brought on by the unsocial hours of the Test Match coverage from Chennai. I invariably watch the hallowed sport with a straight back, adorned in jacket and tie at Lord’s or, if really slumming it, in blazer and flannels at the Oval. However, 0400 hours of recent days has caught me unshaven and slumped horizontally in a dressing gown in front of my broadcast receiver. Possibly you could suggest a remedy for this unforgivable lapse? The Chap: Sir, if it is any consolation, you are not alone. Well, naturally you are, but is this any excuse not to dress appropriately for the cricket? Even the remotest possibility that you may receive a ‘zoomface’ call at 0400 hours to discuss the latest score, should spur you to don at least a jacket, collar and tie (eggand-bacon colours, obviously), if not the lower region of your ensemble. You might also take comfort from the fact that some spectators at Lord’s don’t even manage to remain awake during daytime matches.

Paul Hogben: As a gentleman I am, of course, properly attired in all circumstances. I nonetheless harbour a dark secret that, ‘like the worm i’ the bud’, consumes my very soul: to wit, I own a brown jacket of Corduroy (see picture below). The only mitigation I can advance on my behalf is that I purchased it in my salad days, when I was green in judgment, and many years before coming under the influence of your estimable organ. I must confess, however, that despite scrupulous and often painful examination of my conscience, I have been unable to part with it and now put it on when in my Garden Retreat, on my frequent sojourns there to escape the daily hullabaloo of my primary residence. The Chap: Mr. Hogben, there is no shame in owning any item made of corduroy and your conscience may remain clear – especially if your brown corduroy jacket is worn ‘mid creeping moss and ivy’s darkest green’ in terms of colour range; ie with dark green trousers and a moss-green waistcoat, for instance. Corduroy, always in rustic colours, is too hot for summer and not warm enough for winter, and should therefore be a sartorial announcement to others that the season is turning. n

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