WHAT IT MEANS TO BE NONBINARY, A Q&A

As a nonbinary and gender fluid person, Arlo Quitangon knows what it’s like to struggle with identity and how to make sense of it all.

Quitangon, an ASU sophomore, shared what it means to be nonbinary, the identities and expressions that exist under the umbrella term, and advice for those who are questioning their gender or want to be better allies to the LGBTQIA+ community.

Q: What does nonbinary mean to you?

A: In a definition sense, nonbinary means anyone who doesn’t identify with being a man or a woman. But that can mean so many things. How I’ve experienced being nonbinary might not be the same as other people who are nonbinary. I’ve never aligned with the strict ideas society has for what a man or what a woman is. For me, it’s about being free to exist and enjoy what I enjoy, especially as someone who not only identifies as nonbinary, but also as gender fluid. It’s freedom to exist as I am.

Not everyone fits into fixed gender boxes and there is not one way to be, look or act nonbinary. While the term “nonbinary” encompasses anyone who does not fall into assigned gender categories, it is not the only term used to describe people whose gender identity is neither male or female.

Q: What is the difference between being nonbinary, genderqueer, gender fluid, or gender-nonconforming?

A: Nonbinary and genderqueer are umbrella terms for anyone who doesn’t align with the binary of being a man or a woman and what society has dictated that is. Oftentimes, people have this misconception that someone who is nonbinary falls on a spectrum of man to woman. When in reality it’s not a spectrum, it’s everything other than. Someone who is gender fluid can also identify as nonbinary because they may not feel like either a man or a woman, but they just kind of float around. Some days, or even moments, I feel more feminine, others more masculine. Someone who is gender-nonconforming is someone who identifies as either a man or a woman, but they do not adhere to the boundaries or norms that have been set by society for what a man or woman should be. Think feminine men, masculine women. Again, all of the terms are a personal thing. Even though I may have the same experiences as someone else and relate so much with them, we could identify differently because certain terms feel better.

Deciding which terms to use was only one part of Quitangon’s complex journey of selfdiscovery freshman year.

“It was a whole mess,” Quitangon said of their struggles figuring out who they were and how to identify. “But I think that’s how it’s supposed to be.”

Q: How did you know you were nonbinary?

A: I worked outward, then in. I cut my hair short and knew that I wanted it to look masculine. I also started dressing more masculine. One day, I found a sports bra that was smaller, so it had more compression to it in the chest. I realized that it aligned with who I saw myself as. From there, I got a binder and questioned if I was transgender *1. I didn’t know what was going

on, so there was a lot of internal thinking. I thought about my name, and I started telling Starbucks workers that my name was Arlo. Every time I did it, it felt like pure joy. I started to lean more into my masculine energy, but I didn’t know if I was leaning so heavily into it just because it was different from what I’ve always been told to be. I struggled with whether I was a transgender man or if I still had a connection to feminine energy. I do! It was so confusing. Originally, I came out with he/they pronouns when I said I was nonbinary, but then I realized I wouldn’t mind if someone used she pronouns. It’s weird because there’s pressure when you’re queer *2, even in regards to sexuality. People say that you’re supposed to experiment and figure it out, but because of this notion of coming out, there is this pressure to know exactly who you are. If you don’t know yet, and you already come out with your pronouns then doubt or change your decision, you worry that people are going to think it’s just a phase. I’m literally 18 and should be able to go at my own pace.

Gender is confusing, but that’s part of the process, Quitangon said. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s OK. Quitangon emphasized that those questioning their gender identity should take their time experimenting and know that it’s OK to not have all of the answers right away.

Q: What advice do you have for people questioning their gender?

A: Just experiment! Go to Starbucks and tell them that your name is a more masculine, feminine or androgynous name. Wear different clothes and see how you feel about it. If you have supportive people in your life and you’re comfortable, talk to them about it. There’s not enough representation for nonbinary people. I remember when I was figuring out my sexuality, part of what helped me was leaning into movies and things like that, but there’s not much of that out there for genderqueer people. So, it’s all about experimenting with how you express yourself, how you look and being in touch with how you feel.

While figuring out your gender identity may be a clarifying and liberating experience, there can be professional, academic, social and familial challenges that come with it, Quitangon said.

Q: What challenges do you face being nonbinary?

A: On a professional and educational level, I haven’t seen any challenges yet. It’s really cool, ASU released this new thing where you can have your preferred name on your ID card. On a social level is where I face the most challenges. Being nonbinary is tough because people can’t tell sometimes, and they are constantly putting you into a binary box. People are always going to think that that’s a girl or that’s a guy, so I’m constantly having to explain myself or there is a pressure to explain myself. For a while, I would be misgendered *3 publicly at places like fast food restaurants. I would be so upset. Outwardly, I am intentionally expressing that I want to look masculine,

and to have someone contradict that and call me “ma’am” or use she pronouns sucked. Not everyone understands, or is willing to understand, what nonbinary means so there’s a lot of misconceptions and less acceptance.

Even if you are not a part of the LGBTQIA+ community, you should always be respectful to nonbinary people and learn how to appropriately ask any qustions you may have. Q: What are things people SHOULD say to nonbinary people?

Q: If unsure of someone’s gender identity, what is the best way to approach or ask them about it respectfully?

A: More often than not, if you come from a place of wanting to respect another person’s identity and you ask someone from the LGBTQ+ community what their identity is and what their pronouns are, they’ll probably just tell you and just be grateful that you asked in the first place instead of just assuming. I found that the people who take the most offense from someone asking are cisgender *4 people or anyone who is trying to fit into the binary. If you approach someone who is trying to present as the binary idea of what a man or woman should be and you ask them their identity or pronouns, they take offense because they put effort into appearing a certain way. As long as you are being respectful and not coming from a prodding place, Quitangon said that most of the time you will be fine. They recommend formatting your question like so: “If you’re comfortable telling me, how do you identify? What are your pronouns?” Aside from respectfully asking how they identify and what their pronouns are, Quitangon elaborated on how to treat nonbinary people and what things you should and should not say to them.

A: A mindset that more people should have is if you have a friend who does not fit into the binary or is a part of the LGBTQ+ community, then good for them. Non-binary people are just people expressing themselves differently and shouldn’t be made to feel other. They are just existing in a different way than you are and that’s fine. Be aware of how they feel when you misgender them as well. Some people are more lax about it, others are not. Oftentimes when people use the wrong pronouns it’s because they still see you as they’ve always seen you. For me, I was assigned female at birth. So when I was going by he/they pronouns, a lot of people would use she/ her pronouns, and that comes from a place of knowing what my pronouns are and that I “...stop to identify as nonbinary but still intentionally see seeing me as a girl. So if you have someone in your life them as they are who does not align with what rather than how you they are assigned at birth, take moments to yourself to really want to see them or see them as they identify. See how you’ve always them as a nonbinary person. The more that you mindfully seen them...” exercise that and stop to intentionally see them as they are rather than how you want to see them or how you’ve always seen them, it becomes easier to use the right pronouns. Q: What are things NOT to say to nonbinary people?

A: Don’t ask a nonbinary person what’s in their pants. You would never ask someone who fits within the binary what genitals they have, so don’t ask someone who is nonbinary. Don’t ask what bathrooms they use either. What does it matter? Don’t use any form of ‘this is just a phase’ because it is so invalidating. Also, don’t expect nonbinary people or minorities in general to hold your hand and teach you about every single thing. Personally, 99% of the time I will answer questions. I don’t mind but I do think that part of that is because I am particularly

privileged in my personal relationships to have people that unconditionally love and support me while I’m trying to figure out who I am. I know that I’m the exception. Most minorities and nonbinary people are going to have trauma attached to their identities. I have small things that I still hold on to that I’m still working through, but for the most part talking about it isn’t difficult for me. It is going to be hard for some people though, and having to unpack that trauma just to explain to someone, or even this feeling of having to constantly explain how you exist and why it’s OK for you to exist that way, is exhausting. Don’t expect every single nonbinary person you meet to have all the answers for you.

Q: What advice do you have for LGBTQIA+ allies?

A: In trying to be a good ally, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. Make sure you’re doing it for the reason that you want to be respectful toward a community and support them, rather than you want to feel good about yourself. When you’re supporting minority communities, you shouldn’t center yourself. Also, just because you’re talking to one person from that community does not mean that their experiences are going to be the same as everyone else’s, so remember that.

The key to progress is knowledge, Quitangon said. Society could be a more accepting place if people would educate themselves. The more you know, the easier it is to combat intolerance. “Knowledge is power,” Quitangon said. “The more you know about a specific community and the more you try to learn about a community, the better you can show up for that community and support them. The root of most issues is that people don’t seek to understand each other. Listen to what others have to say and stay up with the news. If you know about something then you have the power to do something about it.” By Ashlyn Robinette

1- Transgender: of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity differs from the sex the person had or was identified as having at birth especially: of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity is opposite the sex the person had or was identified as having at birth 2- Queer: (a) of, relating to, or characterized by sexual or romantic attraction to members of one’s own sex (b) of, relating to, or characterized by sexual or romantic attraction that is not limited to people of a particular gender identity or sexual orientation (c) of, relating to, or being a person whose sexual orientation is not heterosexual and/or whose gender identity is not cisgender (d) of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity cannot be categorized as solely male or female (e) of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity differs from the sex the person had or was identified as having at birth 3- Misgender: to identify the gender of (a person, such as a transsexual or transgender person) incorrectly (as by using an incorrect label or pronoun) 4- Cisgender: of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity corresponds with the sex the person had or was identified as having at birth Definitions source: Merriam-Webster Dictionary