March 2013 - The Churchill Observer

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Volume 37.5 Issue 7

Monday, April 1, 2013

STILL a National Blue Ribbon School

Teacher cast as Skywalker in upcoming ‘Star Wars’ By Lara Fu News Editor Statistics teacher Doug Szafran announced March 15 that he has been cast as old Luke Skywalker in the upcoming Star Wars movie, set to be released in 2015. Though the official plotline of the seventh movie in the series has not yet been revealed, Szafran assures fellow Star Wars fans that it will be “epic.” “All I can tell you is, J.J.—yeah, we’re on a first-name basis now—wanted to jump forward in the timeline and examine Luke’s, Leia’s and Han’s lives as old people, so they figured that with my curly gray mop and impressive salt-and-pepper facial hair, I’d be perfect for the role,” Szafran said. “Plus I own a lightsaber, so they save money on props.” Principal Joan Benz is elated for Szafran’s good fortune, and wishes him all the best. “I could definitely see him becoming the next Ben Affleck and taking on a role similar to the CIA agent in Argo,” Benz

said. “He already has the beard and the good looks for it.” Szafran admits that being a part of the wildly popular space fiction franchise certainly has its perks. “I brought my cardboard cutout of Luke Skywalker to set on the first day, and got Mark Hamill to sign it,” Szafran said. “I can safely say that my life is complete, and I have no further goals in life.” Because filming for the movie will take place in distant locations such as New Zealand and Iceland, Szafran will be taking the rest of the calendar year off. He has left fellow Statistics teacher Curtis Southworth with a tall pile of random anecdotes about Mrs. Szafran, links to funny YouTube videos and “fun” FRAPPY worksheets. “I’ve already started previewing some of the YouTube videos,” Southworth said. “Now I know why Mr. Szafran stays in his room at lunch and spends all his time watching these videos.”

PHOTOS BY LARA FU.

AP Statistics teacher Doug Szafran will be starring alongside Harrison Ford.

Sanz’s son begins million Confused senior caught dollar hair modeling career leaving after seventh period By Jessica Lee Staff Writer

Eighteen-month-old Cole Sanz signed a multimillion dollar contract on March 15 to act in a series of Gelous, Baby? hair mousse commercials. Throughout this endeavor, Cole will be represented by his father, instrumental music teacher Kristofer Sanz. “The excellent hair runs in the family,” Sanz said. “The mousse helps when I’m experimenting with new styles for Cole, but it’s mostly natural.” Gelous, Baby? executives approached Cole during daycare, upon recovering from a short trip to the ER after they were temporarily blinded by his follicular beauty. “The instant the doctors took me off the morphine, I said, ‘He’s the one,’” Gelous, Baby? founder Angelica Bouffant said. “I hope we can work with young Mr. Sanz for a great many years.” Since birth, Cole has received many compliments about his flawless hair. Many expect an illustrious future ahead of him but are surprised about the age at which he received his first offer.

News Don’t Reach for that Snack! CHS librarians continue Marshall law amid public outcry.

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“The entire family thought he would get a deal sometime before his first birthday,” Sanz said. “Better late than never, I suppose.” Besides a luxuriant head of hair, Cole also possesses Mozart-level piano-playing skills, the voice of a thousand angels and the ability to make 98 percent of the human population swoon. “Young Mr. Sanz is going to become the new face of our company,” Bouffant said. “He’ll help us reach a new consumer market. After all, babies deserve to have nice hair, too. Young Mr. Sanz is the IMAGE BY JESSICA LEE. epitome of the benefits of using Gelous, Baby? mousse.” Though Cole will soon achieve worldwide fame, he will still retain the normal life of a toddler. “I don’t see why we should deprive him of the usual childhood experiences just because he has great hair,” Sanz said. “We can still take him to opera, tango and nuclear physics classes in between international flights from different shooting locations.” Cole was not available for comment.

By Spenser Easterbrook Editor-in-Chief

Confused senior Rustin Tashayyod was caught leaving school after seventh period March 22. School officials soon came to the realization that he had not attended an eighth period class the entire year. Misunderstanding of the new CHS period policy apparently led to the senior’s lack of attendance. “Wait, there are eight periods?” Tashayyod said. “I thought they were finally just calling lunch a tech credit.” According to Tashayyod, he “wasn’t there the first day” and “no one told me about there being eight periods.” Tashayyod recently won the legendary male beauty pageant Mr. Churchill. School administrators and teachers are still debating possible punishments for his absences, including possibly removing his crown due to ethical violations. “Who is Rustin Tashayyod?” Tashayyod’s eighth period teacher Jared Pulliam said. The student claims he was not aware of any wrongdoing as he left CHS early each day. “I always heard from seniors last year that parking on Gainsborough was a great way to beat the traffic after school got out,” Tashayyod said. “I guess I never really turned around when I was walking.” Tashayyod’s goof has allowed fellow failed skippers to claim a similar

misinterpretation of the rule change. “Oh no, I wasn’t leaving to go get Qdoba and miss an in-class essay,” senior Alvaro Salazar said. “I was going home. I had no idea there were eight periods now.” Tashayyod is currently serving permanent fifth period detention for the astounding number of periods he has missed over the course of the year. Rustin’s mother could not be reached for comment.

PHOTO BY MATT RAAB.

Senior Rustin Tashayyod escapes from school one period early.

Features Child Sues Parent

News Controversial medical treatment

CHS student files lawsuit after receiving a new Porsche instead of a BMW.

School nurse reprimanded for administering bandaid.

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