April 2019

THE

CIVILIAN CIVILIAN

A STUDENT PUBLICATION FOR THE LSU LAW CENTER COMMUNITY APRIL 2019 | VOLUME 16 | ISSUE 6

APRIL FOOLS editio n

Russell Mosely

THE CIVILIAN | APRIL 2019

LOUISIANA WEATHER: Proof Against “Climate Change” Louisiana weather has something of a predictable nature throughout most the year. Hot, humid, incredibly uncomfortable, and perfect for a sleeveless t-shirt and a pair of Crocs. While this Taylor Falcon is certainly not law Staff Writer school attire, there is the expectation that, come mid-afternoon, the Louisiana Sun will be smugly staring down, making leather seats painful for all who sit on them.

Yet, on the second day of the spring 2018 semester, as I apprehensively waited to attend Professor Richards’ Liberal Conspiracy aka Climate Change Law, it became quite apparent that there would be no class.

Ordinarily, the reason for cancellation would be something like a hurricane or someone burned some popcorn in a second-floor microwave. Only that day, there was no popcorn.

Instead, our driveways and sidewalks were covered in a shimmery white substance known as snow. As I wandered outside to walk my dog, I was alarmed when I could not walk barefoot, like I do every morning. Forced to wear tennis shoes and the only sweater I could find, I was puzzled.

Reports of the temperature stated numbers in the low thirties. Historically these numbers go unmentioned in Louisiana culture except in reference to Governor Huey Long and the Louisiana State Capitol.

Once back inside, I tried to recall if I had ever experienced anything like this before.

Sure, there were times when it was not as hot, but that was only when it rained, and the sun would quickly come back out to create the world’s worst sauna.

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And that’s when it suddenly occurred to me that something was different.

Louisiana was not only not hot. It was also cold.

Being a beneficiary of the Louisiana School system, I learned from an early age that scientists were not to be trusted, especially if the science conflicted with a way of life. So naturally, as the son of a former roughneck, I doubted the claims that global warming would affect me.

Long story short, I was right and the scientists were wrong. In fact, I think these scientists must have done their calculations in reverse because as far I can tell Louisiana is getter cooler, not warmer.

As companies like Exxon-Mobile are getting sued for lying to their stockholders about the effects of so-called “global warming,” the state of Louisiana, which is known for its oil and gas production, has had to cancel school on multiple occasions because of snow.

Let it be known that this might be the first time in the history of Louisiana where it has actually been appropriate to make hot chocolate. On the other hand, I assume this could hinder the growth of Louisiana’s booming snowball stand business.

Clearly, this anecdotal evidence is all I need to show to prove that this whole global warming charade has been nothing but an attempt to shame people who drive a Dually, also known as the state truck of Louisiana.

We, as a people, should recognize this movement for what it is. A sham and nothing more. We should stand together in solidarity against these weathermen and point to the unrecognizable frozen tundra, formerly the eighteenth state of Louisiana.

For if we cannot wear shorts on all occasions, then science has no right to dictate how much diesel exhaust comes out the twin stacks on my Ford F-350.

Long live the truth.

The Civilian Staff 2018-2019 Editorial Board Editor-in-Chief Randee Iles Creative Director Carlos Coro News Editor Rachel Warren Columns Editor Cavett Feazel Production Editor Caitlin Mullaney Web Director Connor Fagan

Staff Writers Taylor Falcon Alex Geissman Zachary Gonzalez Victoria Heyer Melanie Richard Kerith Willard

Columnists Prof. Jeff Brooks Bret Guepet Quintele Jackson Sean Patrick King Candace Square

THE CIVILIAN | APRIL 2019

Clinic Corner: Lawyer Dog Clinic “If y’all, this is how I feel, if y’all think I did it, I know that I didn’t do it so why don’t you just give me a lawyer dog cause this is not what’s up.”

Randee Iles Editor-in-Chief

Some may think this quote shows that Warren Demesme invoked his right to counsel during an interview with police, however the Louisiana Supreme Court disagreed.

In October 2017, the Court denied writ in State v. Demesme. It is clear from the plain text of the quote that Demesme was not invoking his right to counsel, he was asking for a lawyer dog.

Ever since the Court’s decision there has been a huge spike in request for Lawyer Dogs, thus LSU Law started the Lawyer Dog Clinic in August 2018. The clinic is now nearing the end of its second semester and has largely been a success.

In the clinic, students help aspiring dogs to learn the law.

While many dogs are student owned, the Companion Animal Alliance also provides its best and brightest dogs to participate in the program. In the fall, the clinic was also open to cats, but it was made abundantly clear that cats are not at all interested in the law or justice.

Professors Ken Levy and Maggie Thomas supervise the clinic together. It was only natural for these animal advocates to undertake this responsibility,

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THE CIVILIAN | APRIL 2019

Rachel Warren News Editor

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THE CIVILIAN | APRIL 2019

Caitlin Mullaney Production Editor

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THE CIVILIAN |APRIL 2019

NOTICE The Paul M. Hebert Moot Court Competition has been

“ZACH

LESTER” Class: 1L Section: 3

CANCELLED

a used car lot and he is going to let me work for him this summer.

H o m e t o w n : Q: Holy crap dude, I had no idea.

St. Francisville, So you’re finishing this year out and then calling it quits?

Louisiana U n d e r g r a d A: Yeah, I thought about dropping out during that whole wheelchair Major: Finance dilemma but I just thought dropping R e l a t i o n s h i p out then would be in bad taste, so I am Bret Guepet Status: Single going to stick it out until after finals.

Columnist Q: Hey man, thanks Q: Do people know about this yet? for sitting down with me so close to A: No, I have not told anyone yet, finals. How is studying going? but I did change my LinkedIn status a A: Man, it has been killer. This couple of weeks ago. semester has bullied me harder than any kid in middle school ever did. It Q: That’s nuts man. Several has been one hit after another and to people from 1L class did the same be honest with you I don’t want to do thing. Seems like you’re making a reasonable decision though, don’t this anymore you think?

Q: Wait, what?

A: Yeah, I hope so man. I just don’t A: Yeah, man I have been on edge want to be that guy that racks up since I gave up juuling for lent so all this debt and has no way of ever my mind has been kind of fuzzy, but paying it off.

I think I am going to drop out after finals. It is okay though; my dad owns Q: Have you always been into selling cars?

A: Not really, but it beats selling insurance any day.

Q: Right on brother.

Well, I wish you the best of luck. Kick some a** out there.

A: Thanks I appreciate interview.

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man, the

Due to Justin Dicharia’s enrollment in the competition. Dicharia has already been given the trophy to avoid embarassment.

THE CIVILIAN | APRIL 2019

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

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THE CIVILIAN | APRIL 2019

Poor Little Rich Kids Rich white people across the nation were stunned last month when 50 of their own were charged in a massive college bribery scandal. On March 12, 2019 federal prosecutors charged 50 people with conspiracy to commit mail fraud and honest services mail fraud in violation of Title 18 United States Code, Section 1349. Half were stunned because Kerith Willard they got caught, the other half stunned Staff Writer when they realized their parents didn’t love them enough to fork out the dough required to get into Harvard.

Federal prosecutors alleged a college-admission scheme that involved: bribing exam administrators to facilitate cheating on college and university entrance exams, paying off alterations people to create fake boy scout merit badges, bribing coaches and administrators of elite universities to nominate unqualified applicants as recruited athletes or favored candidates, and using a charitable organization to conceal the source and nature of laundered bribery payments.

I mean, honestly, were we surprised? Most people can’t help but point out that these parents had other means to get their children into an Ivy League school. They had the resources to hire private tutors or send their kids to elite private schools where their curriculum is more rigorous (and hopefully exactly like Gossip Girl portrayed.)

HOWEVER, these options require effort. How are these kids supposed to get maximum Instagram likes and sell enough Sugar Bear Hair if they spend their days inside studying??? What’s the point of getting into school if you don’t have masses of people to brag to!

What’s especially disheartening to some is how many of these students don’t even care about their education.

Ahem…Olivia “I don’t know how much of school I’m gonna attend” Jade. But honestly, maybe this is just a refreshing outlook that we’ve been needing. I mean Kylie Jenner isn’t the Youngest “Self-Made” Billionaire because of her stellar academic record anyway, and have you seen a viral video of Logan Paul studying? I think not!

The cherry on top of this scandal is the fact that in some cases, payments that were effectively bribes to university

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officials were funneled through charitable foundations to the universities, meaning that the bribers could also claim tax exemptions. In one instance, the charitable foundation was dedicated to sending underprivileged children to college. I mean…maybe they’re not “underprivileged” in the conventional sense of the word, but you know, these are probably the same kids that had to rough it out in those awful tents at Fyre Fest. That sounds underprivileged to me.

The biggest travesty in this entire scandal is the parent’s stupidity. Not only because they committed a crime that has ruined their name, but because they paid for their rich, white children to go to college in the first place. (And they did so using a very easy to follow paper trail, always do these things in person with cash and amazon prime.) I mean, I’m honestly surprised they finished high school.

We all know they just want to get paid from Instagram ads while hanging out on yachts. These parents deserve more than what their punishment will be, but this is America and the rich are able to buy their way out of things like this.

Dear Dr.

L ve

Dear Dr. Love , I’ve been reading your column and taking your advice all year and I need your help. I’ve done everything you’ve said and now I’m in a worse position than I was during Thomas’s Civ. Pro. Final . What do I do????

We’re sorry, but the number you’re trying to reach has been disconnected, changed or is no longer in service. Please try again.

THE CIVILIAN | APRIL 2019 LawDog continued...

as they constantly reminds their 1L first started law school he noticed students that their dogs are smarter his French Bulldog, Nola, was than them. increasingly depressed and tearing Even though there is a strong up books. demand for Canine Counselors in the criminal field, the clinic students teach the dogs a variety of subjects, in order to best prepare them for practice. The pups receive training in torts, evidence, contracts, criminal law, and even mediation.

By the time they finish the clinic, the dogs’ arguments are anything but all bark and no bite.

The majority of the time in the clinic is devoted to teaching the hounds, however through teaming up with the other advocacy programs provided at LSU Law, the more advanced dogs are able to receive some hands-on training.

Kerith Willard, 3L, enrolled in the clinic in the fall with her Chihuahua, Bruiser (“Little B”), and soon found out that he had a knack for justice.

After receiving an “E” in the clinic in the fall, they were able to re-enroll this semester in order for Little B to continue his education. When he is not in the classroom, you can find Little B shadowing Chief Judge Shelly Dick in the Middle District of Louisiana, where he aspires to one day become a Judge Dog.

“Honestly, I assumed Nola thought I wasn’t giving him enough attention anymore, so I tried to take him out more and even tried to help him meet lady dog friends,” Rhodes said. “Once we enrolled in the clinic it became very clear, Nola was just depressed that I was able to study law and he wasn’t!”

Rhodes said that through the clinic he and Nola have grown even closer, which most people thought was seemingly impossible.

Students and clients alike seem to love the newest clinic at LSU Law, however, it has not been a complete success. The presence of Lawyer Dogs in court has caused some delays due to the need for more recesses, since they (sometimes) have less manners than their human counterparts.

Additionally, the age of the dog does make a difference. While having little success in trial, the puppies enrolled in the clinic have been extremely successful in mediation settings.

Overall the clinic has been successful in providing society with Many students have noticed a the Lawyer Dogs it needs, even difference in their furry friends when the Supreme Court is not on since the beginning of the clinic. your side.

Justin Rhodes, 3L, said when he TOP: Nola Rhodes reading up on the current state of the 5th Amendment as he prepares a brief on behalf of one of his clients.

MIDDLE: Size truly doesn’t matter for this Top Dog. Bruiser Willard spends his mornings reading thrilling law review articles before heading to the clinic.

BOTTOM: Soon after Nymeria Willard enrolled in the clinic it was clear that the only “legal” interest she had was in legal size paper, and she was just there to take cat naps.

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THE CIVILIAN | APRIL 2018 THE CIVILIAN | APRIL 2019

You Can’t Win

If You Don’t Play Here at at the Paul Here Paul M. M. Hebert Hebert Law Law Center Center tradition Whether it be itTullis tradition runs runsdeep. deep.

Whether be Moot Advocacy, or the Dean’s TullisCourt, MootTrial Court, Trial Advocacy, or Cup, students have ample opportunities to the Dean’s Cup, students have ample carry on a legacy leaveona mark to be opportunities to and carry a legacy remembered for centuries to come.

Yet, and leave a mark to be remembered only one tradition that reigns supreme: The for centuries to come. Yet, only one Barrister Bowl. tradition that reigns supreme: The

The Barrister Carlos Coro Barrister Bowl.Bowl offers students the Staff Writer Creative Director opportunity to relive their high school glory

The Barrister Bowl offers students days, featuring uniformed cheerleaders the opportunity to contact relive their highslugfest; school all glory cheering on a full gridiron the days, while featuring uniformed cheerleaders cheeringofon a full being tangentially justified by raising thousands dollars for contact gridiron slugfest; the while being tangentially charity. This year’s Barristerall Bowl XIV was no different. justified by raising thousands of dollars for charity. This If you didn’t make it to the game you missed musclemen Russ year’s Barrister Bowl XV was no different.

Stutes and Garret Wick battling it out for eternal glory, while

Of all the fans who attended the ingame, there was none I sacrificed my physical wellbeing the offensive trenches more a certain unnamed Civil to helpdisappointed raise $13,100than for the GeauxTeal charity. 1L However, the game inprofessor. itself was an underwhelming defensive struggle Procedure This professor invited me over to resulting in a 7-0 win for the Gold Team. his tailgate for some beers after the game, and I got the chance tofans hearwho how he really feels about thenone Barrister Of all the attended the game, there was more Bowl. disappointed than a certain unnamed 1L Civil Procedure

professor.

This professor invited over to hisol’ tailgate “There ain’t nothing I love moreme than a good game for of some beers after the game, and I got the chance to hear how pigskin,” he started, as we settled onto the tailgate of his he really feelsSupercab. about the Barrister Ford F-250 “but thatBowl. was just embarrassing.”

“There ain’t nothing I love more than ahegood ol’ from gamehis of We then shotgunned some NattyLites pulled pigskin,” he started, we settled onto the tailgate of his Ford camouflage Yeti iceaschest.

F-250 Supercab. “but that was just embarrassing.” We then

As the beer foam dripped from our noses, he went on to shotgunned some NattyLites he pulled from his camouflage describe a major problem on both teams.

Yeti ice chest.

will boys, and willexam. be men.” to bebe scrambled by men my final Why not speed the process

up with traumaticI took contact?” goodtomeasure, we After oursome conversation it uponFor myself investigate shotgunned more NattyLite. “I guess boys will be boys, and just how many 1Ls actually played in the Barrister Bowl. men will be men.”

To my surprise he was absolutely right. Last year’s After our conversation took it upon investigate Barrister Bowl XIV Ifeatured themyself lowestto 1L turnoutjust in how many 1Ls actually played in the Barrister Bowl.

To my history! While more 1Ls showed up to play this year, surprise he was right. Barrister Bowl XIV featured some were justabsolutely a bit too scrawny. the lowest 1L turnout in history! To make matters worse, of

Amongst year’s heroic noble battle the few 1Lslast who did sign up to1Ls play, only enough a handfultoactually for charity showed up. is All-American Placekicker Juan Moreno.

When he was asked about Barrister Bowl XIV’s low 1L Amongst the heroic 1Ls noble enough to battle for charity is turnout, he indifferently replied, “Whatever, pulled so All-American Placekicker Juan Moreno.

When heI was asked many cheerleaders from playing in Barristers, bro.” about the low 1L turnout, he He also shared some choiceI pulled wordssofor hischeerleaders cowardly indifferently replied, “Whatever, many classmates, “If you didn’t play I feel sorry for you, and from playing in Barristers, bro.” if you don’t play next year, well, you can just kiss your He also shared some choice words for his cowardly classmates, game goodbye.”

“If you didn’t play I feel sorry for you, and if you don’t play

Looking aheadyoutocan Barrister XVI, it seems the next year, well, just kiss Bowl your game goodbye.” commissioners will have their work cut out for them.

Looking ahead to Barrister Bowl XV, it seems the Purple Team captain Cole Fraizer, 3L, has already begun commissioners will have their work cut out for them. Purple taking the LSAT for hishas former teammates at the Nicholls Team captain Cole Fraizer already begun taking LSAT State, played college football, search his for hiswhere formerhe teammates at Nicholls State,inwhere he for played replacement. college football.

“I will will do dowhatever whateverit takes it takes to have a caliber D-I caliber to have a D-I PurplePurple Team next year,” said as pored some over logic some games logic from Team next he year,” hehesaid as over he pored an LSATfrom prep book, “mentalprep pain book, is temporary, but pain a win is games an LSAT “mental forever!” but a win is forever!” temporary,

“The is, there ain’tfrom enough out on there As theproblem beer foam dripped our young noses, guys he went to banging heads!

How can you expect to win if you’re describe a major problem on both teams. afraid of a little CTE?” He described how teams used to “The problem is, there ain’t enough young guys out there be stacked with strong men when he first started teaching banging heads! How can you expect to win if you’re afraid at LawCTE?” CenterHe– adescribed feature sorely missed in to hisbeopinion. of the a little how teams used stacked He also lamented the quality of my own play, declaring with strongmen like Russ when he first started teaching at the itLaw a crime a scrawny like myself playHe in also the Centerto– let a feature sorelytwerp missed in his opinion.

Barrister Bowl; let alone at left tackle. lamented the quality of my own play, declaring it a crime to

let just a scrawny like myself the Barrister Bowl; let “I don’t twerp understand.

Myplay 1L in class is full of brains alone at ready toleft be tackle. scrambled by my final exam. Why not speed the process with some For ready good “I just don’t up understand.

Mytraumatic 1L class iscontact?” full of brains measure, we shotgunned more NattyLite. “I guess boys 10

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THE CIVILIAN | APRIL 2019

Connor Fagan Web Director

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THE CIVILIAN | APRIL 2018 9

3L Job Search

checklist

4) Check out your interview wardrobe and make sure you have professional attire ready!

Actually if you don’t have at least one suit by now what have you been 2) Consider applying doing for the last three as a post-bar clerk. Or years? paralegal. Or secretary.

Maybe even hang Or in this job market 5) maybe just an unpaid out your own shingle... internship?

Attorney at Law. It might be fun? Make sure you 3) Send applications have good malpractice to law firms, state court insurance first. judges, federal judges, the state government, Starbucks, McDonalds, You’ll need it Burger King.

1) Check Symplicity regularly. Who knows?

Someone might actually post a job that doesn’t requre 3-5 years of experience.

!

Good luck

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