Contents
Introductory letter to you
5
Chapter I: Understanding Your Life
9
What You Want From This Journey
9
Where is Your Life Today?
10
The Wheel of Life
10
Exploring what you believe to be true about the world.
13
What is Your Relationship With Fear?
15
How to Lead the Dance with Fear... And Win
19
Emotions: Patterns of Feeling/Patterns of Choice
20
Your Defining Moments
22
The Power of Choice
28
Chapter II: The Keys to Extraordinary Living ... The YOUR SUCCESS Way
31
The Three Levels of YOUR SUCCESS Thinking
31
LEVEL III Thinking
32
LEVEL II Thinking
33
CONTENTS
LEVEL I Thinking
33
Key Number One: You MustTake Control of How
37
You InterpretYourWorld Key NumberTwo:You Must ChooseWhatYou Focus On
43
Key Number Three: You MustTake 100% Responsibility
47
for the Results You Get in Your Life Key Number Four: You Must Get Rid of the Secondary Gain
49
Key Number Five: You Must Be Willing to Explore ...
56
And Embrace ... the Unfamiliar How to Play the Game of Life:
65
Level I Living for an Extraordinary Life
65
Chapter Ill: How Your Language Shapes Your Life Our Language: OurWorld
Chapter IV: Determining Your Values
67 67
73
Determining the Compass of Your Life
73
Types of Values
75
Chapter V: Designing Your Ideal Life
83
Designing your Ideal Life
83
The Power of Questions
83
Chapter VI: Creating The Ultimate Vision For Your Life
89
Your Focus and Goal Setting
89
Goal Setting for Extraordinary Success
93
Creating Your New Empowering Values
95
CONTENTS
Chapter VII: The YOUR SUCCESS Management System for an Extraordinary Life
101
Getting Organised
101
How to Manage Your Time and Your Life
102
The 80/20 Rule
104
The Power of "No"
105
Giving Up Perfectionism
105
CHAPTER VIII: The Ultimate Plan To Extraordinary Happiness
107
Happiness and...
107
The Twelve Qualities of Happiness
108
CHAPTER IX: The YOUR SUCCESS Keys to Extraordinary Health & Fitness
113
Health and...
113
Key Number One: Getting the Balance
114
Key NumberTwo: Motion is Emotion
116
Key Number Three: What Not to Do
116
Key Number Four: High-Water Living
117
Key Number Five: Dairy, the Great Myth
120
The Easy Model for Extraordinary Health
121
CHAPTER X: The YOUR SUCCESS Keys to Extraordinary Relationships
125
Relationships and...
125
How Not to Communicate:
126
CONTENTS
How to Communicate:
126
What Goes Wrong
128
Your Ultimate Vision for Extraordinary Love
133
CHAPTER XI: The YOUR SUCCESS Keys to Extraordinary Finances
135
Finance and...
135
Step One: Calculate your earnings and expenditure
136
Step Two: Calculate your net worth
137
Step Three: Decide where you want the previous two sets
139
of figures to be. Step Four: Stop the credit card madness
139
Step Five: Spend less than you earn
140
Step Six: Make the most of compounding
140
Step Seven: Make the decision to be in control
141
Step Eight: Align your beliefs with those of people who have
142
earned the amount of money you want to earn Step Nine: Separate needs from wants
In Closing
142
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we have learnt to experience. For some of us, this means our life is a symphony of joy and love and achievement. For others it means a life of pain and disappointment. W herever you are living your life, you can choose a different level. In YOUR SUCCESS we call this transitioning ... transitioning from one level of living to another. This program is about assisting you to ask the questions and make the decisions to enable you to transition from where you are to where you want to be. Life can give extraordinary rewards for those who give in extraordinary ways. Let's commit today to participate in this journey with total passion & intensity. Let's commit to experiencing this journey with as much fun as we can, with outrageousness, with energy & with passion. Together, let's take our lives to the next level now! Warmest regards
Sharon Pearson Founder The Coaching Institute 2015
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Chapter I Understanding Your Life
What You Want From This Journey YOUR SUCCESS is your invitation to discover, uncover and master the most phenomenal resources you possess within you right now: the deter mination, passion, drive to learn and grow, the courage and the desire to live life at its deepest most powerful level. Most people believe that books like this are about you becoming something you're not ... when what it is really about is becoming who you always were meant to be. The more you know yourself, what drives you, what you're passionate about, what you love, what you hate and what excites you, the more effortless it is for you to achieve what you want and be fulfilled. The key to this is to appreciate that it isn't what we get that makes us happy, but who we become. And who we become ultimately is a choice. We determine the quality of our experiences. I believe that on some level each of us feels an inner hunger for something more - each of us has an inner knowing that there is another level of living that is possible. "Things that matter most will never be at the mercy of things that matter least:'
GOETHE
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Where is Your Life Today? Before we can create change in anything, it is useful to first assess where the desire of our change is. How can we measure the success of our change unless we can measure the before and after? In this section, we will focus on identifying the most important areas of your life. These are the areas you will focus on, improve and measure, both in your personal and professional life. These are the areas that if you were to not transform, the quality of your life would suffer or be compromised. They are the areas of your life that if you were to transform, you would feel levels of success and fulfill ment you can only imagine. For example: What if someone decided to experience closer and more fulfilling relationships with their family and loved ones yet decided to neglect their health? What if through this neglect they became ill and experienced low levels of energy? Could they then give the level of love and connection they want to? Or perhaps they focused only on finances, to the exclusion of their loved ones? Having areas of desired improvement allows you to identify and focus on the areas of your life that you are committed to improving.
The Wheel of Life The Wheel of Life has been used throughout time for measuring the quality of our lives. Look at the example below and imagine that each piece of the pie represented an area of your own life. Imagine that each line is a spoke in a wheel, with the centre of the wheel representing 0% satisfaction and fulfillment in that area of your life and the outside repre sents 100% satisfaction and fulfillment with that area of your life. In Figure 1, if this was your Wheel of Life where would you currently be in each area of your life?
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Figure 1.
A Sense of Balance in Your Life Physical Environment
Business/ Career
Money
Personal Growth
Health
Relationships
Family
In this example, the person is at 60% of where they want to be in the area of Finances and her Family Life is only at 30%. Now it's your turn. In Figure 2, Take a few moments to draw a line in each piece of the pie representing where you believe you currently are in that area of your life.When you've finished, shade in the areas to get a true sense of the shapes of each section. And now... If this was a wheel on a car called LIFE, how well would your car run? How would it run if you were traveling at 25 kilometres per hour? How would it run if you were traveling at 100 kilometres per hour? What if you wanted to be a high achiever? Would the gaps cause you to stay on the road or would you be heading for the ditch? If you're like most people, you're probably experiencing a certain level of discomfort with the quality of your ride! What about if you could find a way to round off your Wheel of Life so that you experienced balance across the areas that matter most to you? Imagine putting your energy focus and time into the areas that matter most to you ... what would that feel like? How would your life look? What would be different?
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A Sense of Balance in Your Life Physical Environment
Business/ Career
Fun Time
Money
Personal Growth
Health
Relationships Figure 2.
Family
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Exploring what you believe to be true about the world Beliefs are feelings of certainty about what something means. We all have thousands of beliefs that we perhaps aren't even aware of. Some of these beliefs support us in our journey creating our ideal life; other beliefs hold us back and even sabotage us. For example, the belief that all people are out to get you ... what kind of life do you think a person with this belief would experience? Compare that person's experience with someone who believes all people have within them the capacity for kindness. Do you think they would experience people differently? Do you think each of these people would experience different quali ties of relationships? In this belief audit take the time to write down what you feel is true about these questions. Don't think too much about what your writing ... if you can write what comes to mind, rather than what you think a "good" answer would be, you'll get more value from this exercise later on. �
What is life about?
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What is life not about?
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What is the purpose of life?
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What are relationships?
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What are relationships not?
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How do you experience love?
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What stresses you in life?
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What is effortless?
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What is difficult?
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What is work? What isn't?
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-¢,
Who are you really?
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Who could you be?
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What would it take to be who you could be?
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What's most important to you in life?
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What do you love?
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What are you passionate about?
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Who do you love? Who loves you?
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What do you want from life?
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What do you prefer to avoid in life?
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What has to happen for you to feel happy?
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What makes you scared?
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What makes you sad?
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What makes you angry?
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What makes you feel loved?
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Why did you pick your significant other?
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If you're not in an intimate relationship, what would drive you to choose someone?
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How do you meet your need for comfort?
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For adventure?
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For uniqueness?
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For love?
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For growth?
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For contribution?
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What is Your Relationship With Fear? Fear is an inevitable companion. Many people live their lives saying they'll take a step forward when they're not so scared, or when they have more confidence. Then they find they never take the step because the fear never fades and their confidence never goes up... it even goes down. They've got it the wrong way round. Waiting for the fear to pass is like waiting for the sun to not come up. Fear is an inevitable part of who we are. We are hard wired to experience it. We have a neurological fear system in our brains which once helped us survive but which now limits our lives. According to Doctor Dan Baker in "You're Only Six Steps Away From Happiness", this fear system is the repository for past trauma and pain, current anxiety, fear of what is to come and archaic instinctual terrors. We needed this in the early epochs of mankind, because it kept us alive. It gave us the capacity to spring into action whenever we see or sensed threat. This is how we survived, but as a consequence we became hardwired for hard times. The fact that most of us in the Western world are no longer in threat of extinction doesn't change our wiring. The desire for flight or fight re mains within us. Courage ... or confidence... is not the absence of fear, but the willing ness to take action despite it. In fact, we can't learn courage unless we take action. If we wait for courage to arrive before we will act we're doomed never to feel it. This is the ultimate paradox. We need to do the thing to realise we have the courage and resources within us. What do we fear? Our fears are always the same: Fear of not being loved Fear of not being good enough, and Fear of not belonging.
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These constant fears are what keep us playing it safe. They keep us from shining, stepping up, taking risks, experimenting, making mis takes ... living. Whenever we put avoiding fear ahead of our true desires, we're pre venting ourselves from truly appreciating and loving our lives. The types of fear we experience can be further broken down into three levels. The first level is the fears of what is going to happen, for example, old age. Examples ofLevel 1 Fears: -¢,
Death
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Accidents
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Being alone
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Losing financial security
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Losing a loved one
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Illness
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Children leaving us
The second types of fear are those that require action, such as making a decision. Examples ofLevel2 Fears: -¢,
Making friends
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Asserting ourselves
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Driving
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Ending a relationship
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Beginning a relationship
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Losing weight
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�
Public speaking
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Intimacy
17
The third types of fear are those that involve inner states of mind.They are a reflection of our perception of our ability to manage the world. Examples of Level 3 Fears: �
Rejection
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Success
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Failure
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Being vulnerable
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Being powerless
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Disapproval
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Being judged
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Losing our image or being "exposed"
Whatever category of fear we believe we are experiencing, at its core will be an emotional state. Ultimately, whatever state we fear feeling is going to fall into the categories of not belonging, not being loved or not being good enough. For example, if you fear public speaking it may be because you don't want to make a fool of yourself or appear silly, which is a state.You might not want to feel silly because then you would fear being rejected by the group... or not belonging. You may fear losing a relationship because you don't want to be alone, because if you were alone then you would fear you weren't lovable. You may fear change because you fear not being able to handle it when it comes.Your fear is that you won't be good enough. You may even fear change because you might fail at whatever it takes to manage the
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change, which would mean you would fear being judged ... which would mean you would fear not belonging, not being loved and not being good enough. No wonder people find change hard to deal with.
The Two Paradoxes of Fear Paradox One
The truth is you can handle everything that comes your way, you've just conditioned yourself to not know this because then none of your worst fears have any danger of coming true. Or do they? Isn't it true that the more you focus on not having something happen, the more your ultimate fear seems more real? For example, have you ever desperately wanted someone to stay in your life, and the more you've clung to that the further you've pushed them away, leading to you feeling unloved, not good enough and as if you didn't belong? Paradox Two
The second paradox of fear is that the more we try to escape our fears the more we experience them. Yet we still play the same games over and over. We play it safe in love to avoid rejection to avoid not being loved, and thus never experience the joy of giving love. We play it safe by not being vulnerable so that we don't appear foolish and thus never get to truly connect with someone, guaranteeing we don't feel loved or that we belong. We play it safe by hanging onto the little financial security we have for fear if we lose it we'll have nothing, only to never seem to get ahead, and never feel we've truly "made it" ... and so feel that we're somehow not good enough. Every day, playing out the dance of fear, letting fear lead us on a never
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ending cycle of disappointment or mediocrity. Until we eventually ask: is this all there is? Is my life really only going to amount to an okay job, with friends who don't really mind ifl don't call, mediocre health and a feeling like I'll never get off the treadmill? There has to be a better way. There has to be a w ay to take action, and to be willing to take risks, and feel great about it. On some level, your dance with your greatest fears has given you a "payoff" or a benefit. It might have kept you safe from hurt, or from rejec tion, from failure. Whatever its benefit, this is the reason you let the fear run your life, instead of you running it. "The coward dies a thousand deaths, the courageous man only once:'
How to Lead the Dance with Fear... And Win Unless you give yourself a compelling reason why you would want to give this up, you will stay with your current dance partner. With a big enough reason why, we can accomplish anything. The secret to letting go of the fear is to give yourself such a compelling reason that no matter what, you wouldn't go back to that old choice. �
What is your greatest fear?
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How has this fear benefited you in the past? i.e. what has it kept you safe from?
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What has it cost you in the past?
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What is it costing you now?
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What will it cost you in the future? In one year? In five years? In ten years?
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What will letting this fear run you cost those whom you love?
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-¢-
Why would you choose to be free of this fear now? Answer this question with total intensity. Really connect with why you must choose to be free of this fear right now. Imagine all of the benefits of choosing to let it go.
Make a commitment right now to no longer let that fear run your life. Decide now that you will run your life.What does this mean you will now do differently? What are you now willing to attempt or experience or let go of with this new level of commitment? "Everyone feels fear when approaching something totally new in their lives... Yet still people are out there "doing it''. So fear isn't the problem ... "
Emotions: Patterns of Feeling/Patterns of Choice Positive psychology has discovered that there is a clear link between the emotional states we choose to experience on a consistent basis and the quality of our lives. The key distinction here is to appreciate that emotions are not ran dom feelings that happen by chance ... emotions are things we do. We do happiness We do sadness We do depression We do anger There are over 3,000 emotions and we choose which ones we will do depending on which needs we want to meet and our habitual choices. We must always remember that there is enormous power in emotion ...
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the foundation of happiness, joy, love, passion and fulfillment comes from our willingness to choose our emotions with volition. Experiencing any emotion is our first choice. Our second choice is to decide to revisit that emotion ... if it is resourceful and sustainable. It's about being wil l ing to devel op the emotional muscl es that will assist us in creating our ideal life. Examples of empowering emotions include happiness, contentment, certainty, passion,joy, love, creativity, stimulated, curious, excited, bubbling, energised, impassioned, serene, fascinated, fun-loving, vibrant, exuberant, enthralled, juiced, focused, ecstatic, exhilarated, confident, empowered, charged, determined, comfortable, resourceful, gratefulness, compassion, forgiveness ... Examples of disempowering emotions include frustrated, angry, afraid, confused, impatient, irritated, lonely, nervous, scared, terrified, embarrassed, harried, overwhelmed, stressed, exhausted, jealous, lost, disgusted, stupid, terrible, down, depressed, petrified, indifferent, bored, judgement, devastated, miserable ... "Take charge of your emotions for they will take hold and mould your life:'
Take a moment to answer these questions: �
What empowering/resourceful emotions do you most often feel?
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How do you notice you hold your body when you do these emotions?
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What do you focus on when you do these emotions?
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If you like and want to continue to experience these emotions, what could you do with your body, with your thoughts, with your focus to keep doing them?
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-¢-
What disempowering/unresourceful emotions do you most often feel?
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How do you notice you hold your body when you do these emotions?
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What do you focus on when you do these emotions?
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If you dislike and no longer want to continue to experience these emotions, what could you do with your body, with your thoughts, with your focus to change doing them to other more resourceful emotions?
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What have you learned from doing this exercise?
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What emotional states will you commit to experiencing on a consistent basis from now on?
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How is doing this commitment going to benefit you, your life, and those around you?
Your Defining Moments I've come to learn that what may seem of little consequence to one person can literally turn someone else's life inside out. I experienced the power of this when I was coaching a client recently.They shared how a teacher had made fun of one of the students when they had been in school.This event had happened over thirty years ago, but my client remembered that event as being hugely significant in their life. Because of the teacher's seeming thoughtlessness, my client had become a teacher... they wanted to show the world that teachers can be kind. One event, and an entire future shaped. We all have significant emotional events in our past that have shaped who we have become and the choices we make. If it's important to you, then it's important. A defining moment in my past was when I became ill. The meaning
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I gave it was that I didn't have to work at a career, because I would be too sick to do a great job. That attitude kept me doing very little for years, long after the original level of debilitation had gone. Another defining moment was when I realised I was thinking about killing mysel£ That wake up call got me realising that it wasn't life that had given up on me, it was me who had given up on life. After that mo ment, I did everything I could to learn the keys to happiness. It became one of my primary focuses in life. These moments altered my perception of myself. They had conse quences on the choices I made in my life. Regardless of the accuracy of my perception of these events, they are real to me. Someone reading these defining moments and saying "She should have done this instead" has no relevance. It is only my interpretation of these events that matters in my life. The same as your interpretation of the events that shapes you, only have relevance to you. Some of our defining moments can be positive, and influence our choices in ways that empower us. They can inspire us and show us what we are truly capable 0£ Some events are going to be clearly negative. However, the meaning we give these events is entirely up to us. Memory gives us the ability to recall these events, but our ability to recall the events accurately is difficult. What we always keep, however, is our feelings associated with the event. Recall a moment of exquisite joy in your life, and notice how the feeling is close by. Recall an event that caused you great sorrow, and the feelings of that sorrow are there. Defining moments anchor our reactions to the world today. These significant events determine the feelings we have to the inevitable stresses and strains of our lives. This makes them essential to uncover and explore. Until we do this, we are separate from who we truly are. How can we un derstand what motivates our choices unless we understand what created those choices in the first place? Imagine that someone challenges you to do something you don't want to do. What do you do? Your choices will be partly determined by what
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you did in your past that resulted in a strong emotional response. Perhaps in the past you were punished for not doing it. How will that influence how you respond today? Perhaps you were praised for standing up for yoursel£ Your reaction will be different. For this exercise to be truly effective, make sure you recall as many specific memories as you can. Facts, feelings, beliefs need to be fully de scribed as much as you can. It helps to recall the moments by what you saw, what you heard, what you felt and what you told yourself If you can include what you smelt and what you tasted in your mouth. Ideally, aim for at least eight significant emotional events, or defining moments. 1.
Where are you as this event occurs? How old are you and what do you look like?
2.
Who is with you?
3.
What occurs that makes this event a defining moment?
4.
What are the emotions you are noticing you are feeling? Sadness? Fear? Anger? Helplessness? Loneliness? Despair? Joy? Gratitude? Love?
5.
How would you change this situation if you could?
6.
If someone asked you what you would want to say at this moment, what would you say? Who would you say it to? How would you want them to respond?
7.
What are you telling yourself about this event? About yourself? About the other people? About what this means to you?
8.
What is it that you need right now?
Once you have done this for the first event, answer these questions: 1.
What feelings are you noticing you are experiencing right now?
2.
What are you telling yourself about that event right now?
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3.
What did you give up, what did you surrender, in the form of power and self determination, as a consequence of this event, if it was negative?
4.
If the event was positive, what did you gain? What did you discover about yourself that you still call on?
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Do this for each of your defining moments, and once you have com pleted this part of the exercise, check to see if there is another significant emotional event that you hadn't noticed, that now needs to be added. If you have been honest with this exercise, you will have identified moments that have become important in the development of who you believe you are and what you believe you are capable of. Now for each defining moment, ask yourself what aspect of your self was affected by this moment? Write at least a paragraph for each moment. Maybe it was your belief in your ability to be loved, or it caused you to question your intelligence. Perhaps one of your defining moments led you to doubt your ability to stand up for yourself Now write down where you were in terms of that dimension before the event, and then after. For example, a defining moment for me was when I became ill. The aspect of self that was touched by this event was my sense of confidence about the world. I decided it was a harsh place. Before my illness, I'd been fun loving. During the illness that stopped and I became untrusting of the world. Once you have done this, write a paragraph to describe what the long term effects are of that moment. What have you decided to believe as a result of this event? The long term effect of my illness for the longest time was that I would play it safe, stay out of life's way, stay invisible, and play small. I decided that it was all too hard and I was better off not even trying. The consequence of that was at least ten years of frustration and disappoint ment with myself
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I developed the attribute of blaming life and others for what was or wasn't happening in my life. I developed the habit of finding fault in every thing around me, instead of taking responsibility for what was happening. The first time I did this exercise, I realised how distorted my view of the world had become because of an event that had happened years before. I was shocked to discover that I had let an illness play such a pow erful and influential role in my life, even when the illness itself no longer affected me on a daily basis. The next thing to do is to take the time to ask yourself why this defin ing moment contributed to your sense of sel£ Once you have done that, write down whether you now think or believe this view of yourself, of the world, of those around you is accurate. The reason I believe (remember this is only my interpretation, you might have had an illness as a defining moment and record a totally dif ferent reason) my illness became a defining moment for me was because of the lack of control I felt I had over it. I felt I had no influence over my body, almost as if it was my enemy. And if my body couldn't be on my team, then who could? I believe this view was distorted and inaccurate. I now believe that the view I chose meant I didn't have to take responsibility for my life, and instead could turn over the reins to others. Now write what that old distorted view has cost you. The cost to me of my old beliefs is missing out on life and love for at least a decade. It also cost me friends who didn't want to be around someone so negative. It cost me income, because I spent years at home telling myself it was too hard to get a job with this illness. It cost me my self confidence, my happiness, my sense of sel£ Write down why it's time to now change your interpretation of this event to something that supports you and your concept of who you want to be. What have you decided you want it to be instead? What will your beliefs become now? When I got to this part of the exercise, I cried because it finally oc curred to me what I had sacrificed to keep such a limiting sense of sel£ I
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had given up almost everything to stay safe and live a life of lack. I realised that there was no way I was going to keep my original in terpretation of this event. No way. It had to change because if it didn't I was going to end up dead. If I didn't change it, I was going to spend the rest of my life playing it small and complaining about how disappointing the world is. It had to change because if it didn't I was going to lose whatever I had left, which included a loving husband. It had to change because he deserved so much more than I was giving him. What did I change it to instead? My illness is the very thing that needed to happen for me to get that life doesn't owe me a thing. I owe it to me to have the best life I can create for myself. I decided to believe that my life is up to me, and I have the power to choose it. I decided to believe that any hardship I experienced in life was the very thing I needed to de velop the attributes of courage and compassion and patience. I decided to believe that whatever limits my illness forced on me, there was still a way to live an extraordinary life. My limits weren't my illness, but were those of my mind. Remember when you do this exercise that you were younger than you are now when your defining moments occurred. For many of you, your events will be in childhood. You gave meaning to those events as a child doing the best you could to survive, to be loved and to belong. You did what you needed to, to avoid feeling fear. You are older now; you can look back on these events knowing that the person you are now is capable of making decisions not just based on what will cause the least fear, but on what will support you. If your defining moments are when you were a child, then acknowl edge the child you were, making decisions as best you could. Now acknowledge yourself for the new empowering choices you can make today. The choice is yours. An extraordinary life means making extraordi nary decisions. Only you have the power to choose. Once you have decided on your new empowering beliefs it's impor tant to keep them close to you, at least for the first month. I laminated
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mine and placed them in my wallet, so each time I reached for money I was reminded of what I now chose to believe. If you find yourself reverting back to the old limiting and destructive beliefs, then answer this question: What is the pay off for me of playing at this level? For example, if you choose to keep the belief that I am too shy to talk to anyone, your payoff might be that by keeping that belief you don't have to make the effort with anyone, which prevents you from feeling the fear that you might not belong, or that you won't be loved. My payoff is? Now, write down the benefits of letting go of this destructive choice. Once you've done that, ask yourself, is that something you really want to change? Why? The amazing thing is that some people, no matter how much it costs them to hang onto a painful or destructive belief, will still keep it. They would rather feel the pain of what they know than risk the pain of the unknown. Even though the unknown is only going to stay unknown until they decide to explore it.
Note: It's worth rev1S1tmg this exercise at least once a year. You will notice that your beliefs have changed and need to be updated to include the new level that you are now living your life. I discovered after a year that what I had thought was difficult to believe in the beginning ... that I can do whatever I put my mind to... had become more of a reality for me than I had ever dreamed possible.
The Power of Choice Life is nothing more than a series of choices that we make for ourselves to meet our needs. Even not choosing is a choice. Every choice we make has consequences, and these consequences can be empowering or disempow-
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ering. The important thing isn't to blame ourselves if we've made a poor choice, but to become aware of the choice, the thinking behind the choice, and to notice any patterns in our choices. Once we've done that, we can see a blueprint for how we shape our life. If we like the blueprint, we would keep our pattern of choice. If we don't like the blueprint, then we need to learn how to make different, more empowering choices. What are the choices you have made? Take the time right now to write down the positive choices in your life today. What choices have made you happy, proud,joyful? For exam ple, I chose to marry John, I chose to start a business, I chose to get fit, I chose to learn more about myself... I chose to... What great things are in your life now because of these choices? For example, because I chose to marry John, I got to learn what unconditional love was, and I have a best friend and lover who supports me in every thing I do. Write down the choices you have made in the past in your life that you perhaps don't like or don't make you happy.What choices are you un happy about? For example, I chose to quit a job because I decided it was too hard, I chose to not take care of myself when I was stressed... What are the consequences you have noticed because of these nega tive choices? What have they cost you? For example, by not taking that job I convinced myself that being a "success" was hard work and not worth the effort, and that means I don't try my best any more, so I keep missing out on being all I can be.This makes me really sad. How have you tried to or succeeded in turning around these choices? What have you noticed within you as a result of this effort? i.e. resources or attributes like courage. For example, I got a part time job to turn it around and met a great friend, and I also noticed that hard work is re warding when I like what I do and that people appreciate my efforts. What are the positive learnings you have made or could make as a
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result of these choices? For example, I learnt that people will support me if I put myself on the line and that sometimes hard work is good to do. I learnt that I like to help people. I learnt that I'm pretty good at woodwork. It's now time to make new, empowering choices ... If everything in life came down to being a series of choices, would now be a good time to make choices that empower you? That make you happy? That would propel you closer to where you want your life to be? Take the time right now to write down some new choices that will empower you, lead to new learnings, allow you to get rid of some things you have been tolerating, give you the freedom to explore, to love, to learn, to grow, to give. Write each new choice as ... I now choose ... i.e. -¢> -¢> -¢> -¢> -¢> -¢> -¢> -¢> -¢>
I now choose to believe in myself I now choose to have more fun I now choose to take myself lightly I now choose to share my smile with others I now choose to focus on people's positive qualities I now choose to give myself a break I now choose to laugh I now choose to stay committed I now choose to love my family even more
I now choose ... What are the positive consequences of these choices? What will your life look like in three years? Five years? Ten years time if you keep making choices like this?
Free Beliefs Audit For your free Beliefs Audit visit: www.thecoachinginstitute.eom.au/YourSuccess
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LEVEL Ill Thinking Level III living is where we are invested in the stories of why we can't, and these stories prevent us experiencing the results that we desire. A story is anything we tell ourselves to justify not creating transformation. For example, someone may say "I can't be a successful salesperson because my parents never taught me how to communicate." Or "I don't succeed in relationships because my work is too important." Or "My bad back stops me working." Or "If you'd been abused like I was you wouldn't be happy either." Or "Life is hard and that's why I don't succeed." Anything that you tell yourself as a reason for not being able to act or to be happy is your story. It is what you drag around with you as your escape clause. I don't say this to be harsh, because I have done this myself and I still do. Learning this stuff isn't a one-time deal. You don't learn it and then everything is perfect in your life.We each need to hold ourselves accountable to being aware of when we buy into these stories.The story I dragged around for years was "I can't be happy because I have too many issues from my past to deal with." The amount of time you spend investing in your stories is the amount of time you aren't investing in your life.The more time you spend at this level is less time you have to build your ideal life, because your thoughts are filled with the language of excuses and of feelings of lack and of self-doubt. People who live mostly at this level tend to wonder why they are stuck and can't get on with their lives. They hope things will get better. They don't believe in much because life has given them so little to believe in. Level III living means taking responsibility when it is convenient and surrendering responsibility when the going gets tough. Level III living includes why we can't be our ideal weight, have an extraordinary relationship, what we tell ourselves people have done "to us", ill health, what we tell ourselves prevents us getting ahead i.e. not old enough, too old, not enough training, not enough education, not good enough parents, no money. In fact, that last story... not enough money... is one of the most common stories I hear.
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LEVEL II Thinking If you are living at Level II you are aware that there are some areas in your life that need changing but you're not sure how to go about creating the change. You would experience confusion and self-doubt. Level II people create change for themselves if they are presented with how to turn things around. Level II people often think life could be better, but rather than just hoping it improves, like Level III people, they seek out the answers, as long as they don't have to change too much themselves. Level II people might be into alternative remedies and alternative so足 lutions, because the mainstream answers have proven disappointing. They might believe in astrology and psychics. Whilst Level II people have stories they tell themselves about why their life isn't exactly as they want it, they still experience levels of hap足 piness and fulfillment. Their stories haven't become all they have, so their level of skepticism and disappointment in the world isn't as ingrained as it might be for someone at level III. Someone at level II might take responsibility for some areas of their life, especially the areas that they are good at or which they feel most comfortable. When they take responsibility they like how it feels and want to do it more.
LEVEL I Thinking Level I people know that it is entirely up to them what happens in their life. They hold themselves 100% responsible for the results they get, re足 gardless of what the results might be, because they know that anything less is giving away their opportunity to affect change. Someone living at Level I would never indulge in blame or justifica足 tion, because they know that doing that simply stops them learning and growing from a situation. They know that through growing and learning they become even happier. They aren't interested in who to blame, but
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rather how to turn the situation around. Level I people feel gratitude for what they have in their lives, includ ing their opportunities to learn and grow. They see problems as gifts for them to take their lives to the next level. Someone at level I doesn't bemoan the past, but has forgiven whoever they perceive harmed them, knowing that the act of forgiveness is a gift for themselves. Level I living is an extraordinary level of self-responsibility. It isn't about blame, but choice. Level I living is about taking yourself lightly, and looking for the good in every situation. Level I living embraces the five keys we are about to look at, all of the time, not just when it is convenient. Your aim is to live at Level I as often as you possibly can. Your aim is to live at Level I not just when the going is good ... anyone can do that ... but especially when the going is tough. Extraordinary people live at level I regardless of what is going on in their lives, because they know that it isn't the circumstances of their lives that shape them, but what they think and choose as a result of those circumstances. �
What level have you been living your life until now?
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What has living at that level cost you?
Oprah Winfrey grew up in the South of North America and says that the only evidence she had of anything except poverty was the books she read. She was sexually abused and had a miscarriage in her teens. You could argue that Oprah had some pretty good "stories" she could have dragged around as reasons for not living a full life. Maybe she still has some stories we're not aware of. But no one could say this woman has become anything except an extraordinary example of what is possible.
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"The quality of your life is a direct reflection of how many stories you have chosen to cease indulging in:'
Stories are anything we tell ourselves about why we can't be, do or have whatever we desire. For example, if you are shy and you use that as reason for not going for a promotion, that is your story. The question is, is your story working for you or against you? "The only thing preventing us from being who we want to be, doing what we want to do, and having what we want to have is the stories we tell ourselves about why we can't:'
What stories have you indulged in until now? Give details about what you tell yourself and others about why you can't be, do or have whatever you want. You may want to revisit the previous exercise over the next few days and add to the stories as you notice yourself using them. For example, it took me a while to realise that one of my stories was that people are in this world for themselves so no one will help me. When I realised that is what I'd trucked around with me for years, I knew it had to go. The moment I let it go people began aligning themselves with me. What have these stories prevented you from being, doing or having? Why would you let go of these stories right now? Give yourself as many compelling reasons as you can as to why you would dump these excuses. Write down what you would see, hear, feel and tell yourself if you dumped these stories once and for all. If tod ay was the first day of your life, and you could create any story you wanted for yourself about what you are capable of, what would you say? For example, once I had identified the story I had been carrying around about other people, I changed it to "people align with others when they believe in them and when they can also achieve their goals. It's about creating a win/win outcome for us all."
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Another story I dumped was that it's hard to succeed because I didn't have the ideal upbringing. My new story became "My life is entirely up to me." Write new stories that will mean you are committing to living your life at Level I regardless of the circumstances of your life. Make the com mitment to live at Level I even when the going gets tough, knowing that challenges are gifts for us to learn and to grow and that the measure of us as human beings is not our ability to shirk challenges but to handle them, thus setting an example to ourselves and to those around us. "Things do not change; we change:' HENRY DAVID THOREAU
Handy Tip: How do you break the pattern of telling yourself the old stories? It's easy. Think of an old story right now that you know has to go. As you think of that story, raise your left hand, wiggle your bottom, shake your head, hold your nose and make a squeaky noise as you say "Poor me, poor me, poor me," until you laugh or feel totally ridiculous. If you do this each time you catch yourself in an old, unresourceful story you'll stop telling yourself and others about them!
Now that you know what you need to tell yourself to live a Level I life, here are the five tools to assist you to stay there. Each of these tools has been developed not because they are always true, but because by believing they are true people who choose them experience extraordinary living. As you read each of them, ask yourself "What would my life look like ifl chose to accept these beliefs as true?" For lasting transformation to take place in your life, you must act as
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if these keys are true for you, regardless of the circumstances of your life. Every great story has a time when the hero is in despair, feeling that all is lost. The true hero then finds the resources that she needs to turn things around and emerge victorious. This is how you must pl ay this game of life. To be a winner, there are certain keys that when applied consistently produce extraordinary results.
Key Number One: You Must Take Control of How You Interpret Your World What determines the quality of your life is not what happens, your level of luck or hard times, your family, your income, your job or your friends. What determines the quality of our life is the meaning we give to the events that happen and the choices we make as a result of those meanings. Throughout the world there are people who we know or know of who have overcome extraordinary hardship, loss or challenges and gone on to live remarkable lives. Despite their own suffering they have found a way to live lives of fulfillment and have made a difference to our world. Throughout history people have made incredible sacrifices to achieve ex traordinary success. For years people held the belief that it was impossible for a human being to run the mile in less than four minutes. Then Roger Bannister did exactly that in 1954. He achieved the "impossible" by mental and physical practice. What is remarkable about this story goes far beyond what Bannister achieved. Within one year of his feat 37 other runners broke the four minute mile. Another year after that, another 300 runners did the same thing. Had four minutes become a longer time? No. had four miles shrunk to accommodate the runners? No. All that had changed was what people believed was possible.
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What this tells us is that it isn't the event that has meaning. We can never see an event exactly for what it is. Our interpretation of an event, as we learnt in the Defining Moments exercise, is all we have. Even if we try really hard to only interpret an event for what it is, we will still distort the event in our minds to conform with what we believe to be true. This means that the map is not the territory. No matter how hard we endeavour to recreate an event or a situation, we will only be able to rep resent it based on our map of the world. This one key has the power to totally transform your life. It is not the events in your life that shape you. It is the meaning you give these events. Think about this for a moment. Think of what is happening in your life right now. Perhaps you're stressed or feeling overwhelmed or out of control. What if you were feeling overwhelmed because of how you perceive the situation a certain way? Doesn't that mean you also have an equal power to choose to perceive the event in another way? The first time I heard this key, I said there is no way anyone would say that if they knew what was going on in my life right now. I decided that the person telling me this must be heartless, because if they only knew how hard things were for me, they would never say that. Then I started thinking about it. What if it was true? Just for a moment, I imagined my life with this key being true. I realised that it meant that how I was feeling about my life was entirely up to me. I had the power to change how I felt about it. Only I had the power to change how I related the world. Only I could change how I experienced this world. And what I chose was going to shape my life. It moved my illness into a completely different light. All of a sudden being sick wasn't a terrible tragedy that no one could possibly understand. It became an opportunity for me to learn about patience and compassion and forgiveness. My getting ill didn't have to be a barrier to my having the life I wanted. It was only going to be a barrier ifl chose to let it be.
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I had the power to choose. Remember, the map is not the territory. No matter what is happening in your life, you can never interpret it accurately. You can only interpret it according to your map.
Your Map Your map is made up of your beliefs, values and experiences. It is made up of other ingredients too, but we'll focus on these for now. -¢-
Your beliefs are feelings of certainty about what something means.
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Your values are emotions that you want to experience on a consistent basis.
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Your experiences are what you believe has happened in your life up until now.
How you create your map is through what you see, hear, feel, smell and taste. These are all the senses we have to access our world. We can see an event, hear it as it unfolds, feel it happening, and perhaps we can also taste and smell it. These six senses are all we have to record the world around us. We are being bombarded with an estimated two million bits of information every second. We could not possibly absorb and process all of this information. Most people can only manage 132 bits of information - or 7 plus or mi nus 2 chunks. If we could suddenly absorb all of the information coming at us we would go mad or would close down. Notice how you're sitting. Notice the sounds around you that until now you may have been tuning out. Notice any smells in the air. Notice the objects around you that you had deleted to allow you to read this book. If you were aware of all of this all of the time you would never be able to function.
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So our minds protect us. It filters out what it considers to be irrelevant. The question is: how does our mind decide what is relevant or not? What we filter in is what we believe we need or will need for a future time. This explains why two people can view the same event - say, a car accident - and recall it so differently. They have recorded the event in their minds based on their own filters. The filters in our minds constantly delete, distort and generalise about what an event means. We delete what we decide is irrelevant. We distort what we experience
so it can fit in with what we are familiar with and we generalise one thing to mean something we have experienced before. For example, think about someone whom you don't like. They maybe do something that annoys you and violates your rules about how people should conduct themselves. To not like them, what did you have to delete about them that is likeable? Maybe they're loving to their parents or good at a sport you like. What have you distorted to not like them? Perhaps you've magnified a habit they do that annoys you so that's all you notice about them. Perhaps you've exaggerated their dislikeable traits because they cause such intense feelings within you. Finally, what are you generalising about them to cause you to dislike them? Perhaps they have a behavioural trait that you've seen someone else do. When the first person did that behaviour, they did it to hurt you, so now you feel very strongly about what that behaviour means. You can do the same exercise with tasks you don't enjoy, with places you've visited and felt strongly about, anything you experience in your life. Liking something and disliking something is based on what we filter in and leave out. What we filter in and leave out is based on what we are deleting, distorting or generalising.
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How Your Filters Shape Your Life Imagine for a moment you are faced with a challenging task. It's a task that you have never been able to accomplish successfully in the past. You feel intimidated by the thought of having to do it and you tell yourself you' ll probably get it wrong. What are you filtering out to decide to be intimidated by this event? What evidence of your abilities are you deleting? What past events do you need to distort to give yourself the most anxiety? Aren't you needing to generalise about past results to make the decision to doubt your abilities this time? Now think of a task that you know you are totally capable of doing. Something that you have had complete success in for a period of time. It could be tying your shoe laces or making a coffee. What do you have to delete to decide you can do this task? Don't you need to delete evidence of when you first started doing these tasks? A time when you weren't totally successful? Aren't you needing to distort your past results so that the times you weren't great at became simply "learning experiences"? To believe your ability to do these tasks takes your decision to generalise, that because you could do the task before, you can do it again now. Constantly, deleting, distorting and generalising.
Think about this ... what if what you are filtering out of your life are the very things that would mean your happiness, your success or your fulfill ment? Five years ago I was convinced that people were full of weaknesses and faults. I was sure that people were generally disappointing and incapable of anything except for selfish, self involved actions. To believe this I had to delete any evidence of anyone's kindness, com passion or generosity, which I did easily. I had to distort their slightest comment to interpret it as thoughtless and mean. I had to generalise that
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because they would say one thing that I decided was mean, that would equate to all of them being mean. And this is how I lived my life for years. If you could imagine living this way for a moment, what do you think I thought about the world? About people generally? What relationships do you think I had? If you've decided I didn't have many good friends, and that I had a poor relationship with my family, and that I was lonely, you would be right on track. Once I had done the exercises you have already done in this work book, and the exercises you are about to do, my perception of the world completely changed. I realised that how I interpreted the world was up to me, and that if I wanted to experience love, happiness and fulfillment then I needed to start hunting for evidence of exactly that, instead of the opposite. I had to change my map of the world. Once I changed my map, my entire experience of the world and of people transformed for the better. Since changing my map I have not met a single person I don't like. I have not experienced a situation I haven't been grateful for. I now only see the magnificence in others, even when they don't see it in themselves. Had the world suddenly replaced itself? Of course not. All that had changed was my map of the world. For the next seven days, act as if the map is not the territory. Decide to give the best possible meaning to everything that happens and every thing you see, hear and feel. Make the effort to filter in everything that is good, positive, and a learning opportunity out of everything you experi ence. Give yourself the gift of living at Level I as often as you can, and if you slip, be aware of it and then step up once more.
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Key Number Two: You Must Choose What You Focus On This second key flows from the first. It says that what we choose to search for we will find. What you focus on is what you will get. Think of a time you bought a car. Can you recall that before you decided to get the car you didn't notice that particular type of car in your travels? What changed once you made the decision? How many of that type of car did you begin to notice? Close your eyes once you've read these instructions. Think of all things in the room that are green. Think only of the green objects. Everything that is green. How many green objects are you able to count with your eyes closed? Once you have completed that exercise, ask yourself, "How many ob jects are in the room that are red?" Because you were focused on the objects that were green, you would have sorted for the green objects. You would have deleted all other col ours. You would have been able to recall many more objects that were green than were red. This simple exercise demonstrates how your mind operates. It sorts for what you tell it to focus on. Focus on the hardships in life, and you will experience more hardships. Focus on life's injustices and you will experience life's injustices. Focus on ill health and you will experience ill health. Focus on your weaknesses and you will experience disappointing results. Focus on love and kindness, and you will experience love and kindness. Focus on the keys to health and vitality and you will experience the same. Focus on your strengths and you will experience even more success. Because what we focus on is what we get. And what we focus on is what we get to the exclusion of everything else. To demonstrate this, think about the times you've been on the world wide web and searched for something. If you type in "Poverty" you will
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Figure 3.
find millions of hits for this one subject. Type in "Wealth" and you will find millions of hits for this. What you search for is what you will find. One way to look at this is to realise that we exist within pure potential. ALL possibilities exist in every moment. The possibility you experience is based on what you search for. If you focus on what you fear, you will only see what you fear. Focus ing on your strengths is always to your benefit. What many people do is focus on what will be difficult or how they might fail, so they don't even attempt the thing. This is such a limiting way to live life, because it ensures they will only attempt the things they are sure they can do. The secret to Level I living is to focus on where you want to go.
When I run trainings on YOUR SUCCESS I explain it like this. Imagine that your world exists within a warehouse where everything is contained. Health, wealth, poverty, sickness, happiness, sadness, loneliness, friend ship, success, love and joy. You have a flashlight and you go searching in this warehouse. What you will find is determined by where you point your flashlight. Point it in one corner and you find health. Point it somewhere else and you find joy. Point it somewhere else and find despair.
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What happens if you turn the floodlight on? You suddenly see all pos sibilities. You exist with all of these possibilities at all times. When I first learnt this I became immediately aware of how I had been choosing to focus on what my world lacked. And my results reflected my focus exactly. It would have been easier to dismiss this key as false, because it required a level of personal responsibility that I'd never before considered. But I knew that if I didn't I was going to keep getting the results I was getting. And that was intolerable for me. One of things that is worth noting about this key is that when you shift your focus you may not see the change in your direction immediately. You may continue to see some of the old results you no longer want. Just as in life, there can be a lag time between when you shift your focus and when your life catches up. Be aware of this and persist. Focus right now on what you do want to experience in life. Focus right now on your strengths and capabilities. The sooner you do this, the sooner you'll get your desired results. Ask yourself these questions: �
Does choosing to accept this key as true enhance my experience of life?
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Does choosing to accept this key mean I will choose a more empowering focus in some or all areas of my life?
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Does choosing to accept this key give me a powerful tool for transforming my life?
If you answered yes, then I acknowledge you, because this one key has the power to totally transform your life. This one key has the power to allow you to see the magnificence in everyone. This one key has the power to enable you to focus on your strengths, thus allowing you to improve your results in whatever you do. This one key has the power to release you from anger, because you will
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see the lesson in the situation, rather than the hurt. This one key has the power to allow you to forgive whoever you be lieve has harmed you, because you' ll know that by focusing on love, rather than resentment, will allow you to feel peace. This one key has the power to see that you are truly a phenomenal human being, capable of the most amazing feats. People who live at Level III focus on what they can't control and in fluence, and thus feel constantly overwhelmed and out of control. People at Level I focus on what they can control and influence, and thus feel empowered and confident. Think of something you believe you do well. What is it you tell your self about your abilities? What do you see in your mind's eye? What do you tell yourself? How do you feel when you see yourself doing this task? Answer this question in as much detail as you can. Think of something you believe you are definitely not good at. What is it you tell yourself about your abilities? What do you see in your mind's eye? What do you tell yourself? How do you feel when you see yourself doing this task? Answer this question in as much detail as you can. What have you noticed about the two experiences? What specifically is different about the two experiences? Think of something that you want to be good at or want to master. If your focus determined your reality, what would your focus need to be? What would you need to see yourself doing? In your mind, create a suc cessful attempt at this thing and see yourself doing it perfectly. Hear the sounds of success. Feel how you would feel. Tell yourself what you would tell yourself as you did this thing with total mastery. Breathe as you would breathe. Look in the direction you would look. Be as specific as possible. What have you noticed about your physiology as you created for your self this successful attempt? What have you noticed about how you feel? For the next seven days, act as if what you focus on is what you get. Decide to search for evidence of your own strengths and the strengths of others. Choose to see the positive in each moment. Focus on what you can do and what you can control and influence, rather than on what you can't.
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Shine your flashlight on what you appreciate, what you can do, what you enjoy and what you may learn from every moment. Give yourselfthe gift ofliving at Level I as often as you can, and ifyou slip, be aware of it and then step up once more.
Key Number Three: You Must Take 100% Responsibility for the Results You Get in Your Life This key continues on from the previous, because it asks us to hold ourselves accountable for all of what happens in our lives, regardless of whether or not we believe we chose it. This key is a challenge for some people to embrace, because they point out that sometimes something happens that they were not expecting, could not have predicted and could never have prevented. I tell them to act as ifit's true anyway. Because it's only when we take this key on totally that we get to learn from everything that happens, and not just the stuff we believe we chose. Even ifsomething happens in a different city, ifeffects you, take 100% responsibility... not for the event ... but for how you choose to respond. Take 100% responsibility for the results you get This key isn't about blame, as in "you asked for it,"but about responsibility for choosing how you respond. It is totally empowering to accept that how you respond to the events in your life is entirely up to you. I remember when I first decided to play with this as if it was true. I was recovering from being ill and noticed that I was getting much more curious about how to get well. And not just well, but how to get totally radiant with outstanding health. I began to play the game oflife at an entirely new level. Think of the times you've heard someone say "It's not my fault," or "I didn't ask for this." Did you see how powerless they became when they
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said it?Why do that to ourselves when we could say, "This is what has hap pened, I don't like it and I'm determined to find a way to turn it around." People say "Why me?" How about instead, "It's me because I have the resources I need to deal with it." "You have all the resources you need to create your ideal life:'
You have all the resources you need to create your ideal life. No ex ceptions. No one else is responsible for your transformation. No else is responsible for your results or your lack of results. You are responsible for whether you choose to feel happy, sad, content, overwhelmed, angry or empowered. Your parents and what they "did" to you when you were younger are in no way preventing you from Level I living. Neither is the bully, the person who attacked you, who ripped you off or beat you. The person who caused injustice in your life or the illness that took away some choice ... none of these things are preventing you living at Level I, if you choose to accept 100% responsibility for the results that you are getting, right now. Accepting this is true Level I living. The first thing you must believe if you are to play your life at this level is that you must create the transformation. Not someone else, not when you feel like it, not when the going gets easier, or when others have done or said something, but right now. I must create the transformation The second thing to believe for total Level I living is that you can create transformation. You must believe that you have the resources you need to create the change you must have. You have to be the source of your own transformation. It's no good waiting for your partner to change to be happy, or hoping the market will get stronger to save your business, or wishing someone else comes along to fix things for you.
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You must create the transformation, right now, on your terms.
Think of something you believe you do well. What do you believe is true about your abilities? How do you take responsibility for the results that you get? Answer this question in as much detail as you can. Think of something you believe you are definitely not good at. What do you believe is true about your abilities? How do you not take responsi bility for the results that you get? Answer this question in as much detail as you can. What have you noticed about the two experiences? What specifically is different about the two experiences? Think of something that you want to be good at or want to master. If you are 100% responsible for the results you get, what needs to change, right now? What do you need to see yourselfdoing? What do you need to commit to? Who do you need to stop holding responsible for the results you want? For the next seven days, act as if you are 100% responsible for every result you get. Include in this the response you get from others and things that in the past you might have not chosen to take responsibility for. Give yourselfthe gift ofliving at Level I as often as you can, and ifyou slip, be aware of it and then step up once more.
Key Number Four: You Must Get Rid of the Secondary Gain Have you ever done something that is harmful to you, recognised it's harmful, and then kept doing it? It could be a recurring negative thought about yourself, such as "I'm not good enough." It could be a behaviour such as over eating. It could manifest as selfsabotage. Perhaps you want to save, and then the moment you get ahead you blow your entire pay packet on something you hardly need. The payoff, whatever that is for you, has the ability to keep us doing,
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saying and thinking what we are sure we no longer need. The key to ap preciating this is that we only think, say and do what we believe works. On some level, self sabotage has for us a benefit. No payoff, no repetition. Don't bother telling yourself right now that you are the exception to the payoff rule. There are no exceptions to this rule. I coached a student once who insisted they wanted to become better time managers. They were articulate about how their poor time skills was costing them so much. They expressed total commitment to changing this behaviour. Yet within a day they were back to the old patterns. W hy? Because on some level, staying with the old choice was working for them. By being a poor time keeper they didn't have to connect with their partner, because they were too busy trying to manage their time. Their payoff for poor time management skills was not having to be real with someone they said they loved. You could decide you want to undertake new study to get a better job or just because it's something you're interested in. Yet enrolments come around and you do nothing. You tell yourself that you'll "do it next semester,", or "no one will appreciate my efforts," or "no one my age gets the good jobs," or "it's been years since I studied, so I'll be the worst in the class." Lots of ways to experience pain, little perceived pleasure. The key to this is appreciating that we do more to avoid pain than we do to feel pleasure. This is true for all of us, and the level by which we live our lives determines our willingness to tolerate pain. Level III players avoid pain, or risk, at all costs. Level II players will take some risks, if they can manage the risks. Level I players take the risk, because they get that if they don't suc ceed, at least they had a go. "We do more to avoid pain than we do to feel pleasure:'
This key has been understood by psychologists for years. We want to avoid the feelings of failure, of self doubt, of lack of confidence. We don't
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want to fail or look silly or risk being rejected or any of the other fears we hold in our heads. The benefit of playing it safe is we get to avoid all of this perceived pain. If you want something in your life and find yourself falling short at the last moment, or of justifying why you're not doing it, or you see your self avoiding it, then you are in the grasp of secondary gain. Most secondary gain is a fear of going outside of our comfort zone. We fear the unknown. We fear not seeing how we can control every step that lies ahead of us. We want to have certainty about how things will play out before we act. Or so we think. Imagine a life where everything that was going to happen to you, you knew in advance how it would play out. You knew exactly what you had to do. You could see every move every time. You would hate it. Because even though we think we want certainty about how things will unfold, what we want even more is to be challenged so we can find out what we are capable 0£ You are not designed to play it safe. You are designed as a learning machine. You have the capability to learn and apply intricate moves that are beyond even the most advanced computers on the planet. You have more neural pathways in your brain than there are grains of sand on every beach on the planet. You were built to test yourself because when you do you discover what you are capable of and it's only when you learn that you feel happy and fulfilled. "The only way to feel happy is to feel the fear and to act regardless of it:'
You can't get happy playing it safe. It is impossible to feel a sense of accomplishment sitting still and convincing yourself that the risk isn't worth it. Every time you talk yourself out of attempting a new thing you move a step further away from who you truly are. Secondary gain is you telling yourself you're better off not stepping up.
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We all do it, but remember, it's what we do consistently that makes the difference. If you consistently listen to the "play it safe" voice, you are living at Level III. If you listen to the "play it safe" voice most of the time, you are living at Level II. If you hear the voice, and do the thing anyway, you are playing at Level I. You are experiencing joy, fulfillment and a personal sense of accom plishment because you know you have courage. Playing it safe teaches us apathy and mediocrity. No one can learn they have courage by playing it safe. The only way to find out if you have courage is to act when you feel fear. Especially when you feel the fear. The only thing you can learn through playing it safe is mediocrity. The only way to discover the courage within you is to act, even when you feel fear. Now back to secondary gain. When the opportunities presented to you throughout life get sifted through the filter system in your mind as being scary and painful and risky it's easy to become frozen in inaction. Then you start to "normalise"your backing away from the opportunity by telling yourself something like "I didn't want it anyway,"or "I'm better off sticking to what I know." There's the payoff. The benefit is you get to hide from the truth ... the truth of what you are capable of... and you avoid the pain of the fear of failing or of succeeding or whatever it is for you. This starts to breed the lack of self-confidence so many people say they experience in their lives every day.This then reinforces non-action, because how can anyone be expected to act when they have low self-esteem! "Yep, I'd love to join that art class but I'm really low in selfconfidence and what if they're all really good and I'm not?" "Sure, I'd ask for that job ifl wasn't so shy, but you know how it is." A perfect excuse to not play the game of life. Except the only person it hurts is you. One of the things I say to my coaching students constantly is that the only question I care about when coaching is what works.
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If telling ourselves we have low self-esteem was a strategy that worked then I'd s ay go for it, but I am yet to meet a client who has an extraordi nary life and plays at Level III with their excuses. If telling yourself "I can't" gets you what you want in life then you keep doing it. I'm going to guess it doesn't, though, and suggest an alter native strategy. Everyone has self-doubt and fears. Everyone wonders if they will have what it takes. No exceptions. The difference between Level III and Level I players is that Level III pl ayers let it stop them and Level I players don't. Why passively accept the excuses you've told yourself if all they do is keep you from having the life you want and deserve? The first step to dump the secondary gain is to identify it. For me I realised very quickly that I had bought into the "I can't do anything about being sick," routine because it conveniently stopped me having to take re sponsibility for getting well, getting a job and basically getting a life. It was the perfect excuse not to live, because I was afraid of the world and what it would "do to me" ifl gave it a go. Fear of living was my secondary gain. I worked with a client who said they really wanted to learn how to communicate better with their people in their company. They didn't change their behaviour towards anyone until they gave up their secondary gain of needing to be the centre of attention whenever there was a drama or confrontation. A client of mine said they wanted to meet a great guy. That didn't hap pen until they came to identify and release their payoff. As long as they weren't in a great relationship they got to keep saying all the great men were taken. By saying this with her friends, my client got to stay safe with her friends who were saying the same thing, which meant she didn't have to risk getting hurt by anyone. Her payoff was she didn't have to risk putting her emotions on the line. Someone I know was raised with every advantage. Great family, mon ey, gifts of houses and holidays. She keeps saying that life is hard. She is in her forties, has a temp job she hates, no relationship and a poor relation ship with her family. She says she wants to be happy. That's all she wants,
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she says, to be happy. Yet she experiences anything but happiness. Because to be happy she would have to give up her belief that life is hard. If she gave that up she would be responsible for changing her life. If she had to do that she would have been responsible for everything that had happened to her until now. She can't do that. That would cause her too much pain. She would rather keep blaming other factors outside herself for her life than take responsibility. Her payoff is she gets to not feel the pain of failure. I think on some level she knows the truth. I think inside her heart she must be really terrified of how her life will play out. No one has rescued her yet. Each year she feels more bitter about how life has let her down. Each year she is further away from her dream of just being happy. Yet she hangs onto the story that she isn't responsible because to do anything else would mean she would have to take risks and create change and hold herself accountable. What level do you think she is living her life? I know someone who didn't have a happy childhood. To say it was full of hardship and setbacks would be an understatement. She was put down by her parents and told she was trouble. For years she was in trouble with her family and with the police. Growing up she seemed to make every wrong choice. She got married and had two children and never saw her husband. She was overweight. She had bulimia. She spent so many years believing she was no good at anything, she believed it. Then she studied what you're reading now. It was like water to a wom an in the desert. She couldn't get enough of it. She realised that by telling herself over and over again she was no good she was setting herself up for not even having to try anything new. She identified her payoff for selling herself short and blaming her parents for their failings was that she didn't have to build any life beyond staying home with her children. Her payoff was she got to play it totally safe. As long as they were to blame for how she was she couldn't be expected to take any risks.
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Perfect, except she was totally miserable. So she changed everything ... not in her life ... but everything in her thoughts. She stopped blaming her family for who she was. She stopped telling herself she wasn't good enough. She stopped blaming her weight for her lack of friends. She took 100% responsibility for her life. She focused on what she could control and influence. She focused on her strengths. She spoke kindly to herself, especially when she felt challenged. She got curious about how she could do things differently. She gave up the stories about why she couldn't. She dumped all the excuses about what wasn't working and let go of the excuses about who was to blame. Most of all she stopped telling herself she couldn't. She let go of the secondary gain of being able to pl ay it safe. Her life began to change immediately. Her children, who had been running the house, began to see the changes in their mother and they began to change too. Her husband began coming home and being there. She started to get new friends who reflected her new beliefs. Whenever she slips back into payoff mode she catches herself and says she has the resources she needs within her to do what needs to be done. As a result she is truly happy and fulfilled and successful for the first time in her life. Simply by changing her thinking. What level of life do you think she is playing? How to Let Go of Secondary Gain
The first step to let go of the payoffs is to get real about what they are. Any area of your life where you have told yourself you want it to be different but haven't changed it is worth looking at. Identify the area you want to improve.What do you tell yourself about why it isn't how you want it? Think of the area you want to transform or take to the next level. What has been the payoff of you not playing at that level until now?
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What has the secondary gain prevented you from being, doing, hav足 ing or experiencing? What don't you have in your life because you have had the secondary gain? What do you have that you don't want in your life because of it? What are you going to take action on now that you have identified the secondary gain? What is going to be different from now on? The second step to move through the secondary gain is to hold your足 self accountable when you become aware of it returning. Pl aying Level I living is about knowing that the buck stops with you. How will you make sure you continue to play at Level I? For example, will you tell someone you trust to hold you accountable if you ever fall back into one of the old patterns of behaviour? Will you write down your goal and make sure you follow through?
Key Number Five: You Must Be Willing to Explore... And Embrace ... the Unfamiliar All the talk in the world about what we can do to transform our lives is just talk ... unless we are willing to explore the new ideas for ourselves. Knowledge is only knowledge if we apply it ... otherwise it's just informa足 tion gathering. I know someone who would rather feel totally in control of his life than anything else. It is more important for him to know what is going to happen every minute than to learn something new or explore the un足familiar. This means he has a "safe" job that delivers few surprises and has very few friends ... people scare him because they are unpredictable. It also means he can't handle feedback, so getting ahead in his organisation is difficult. He also prefers to be "right" rather than learn a new and better way to do something. Compare this to someone who embraces the unknown and is willing to learn. Imagine the quality of life of someone who likes to discover the
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unknown and make it known and who doesn't have to be "right" all the time ... they are happy to learn new and better ways to do things. They aren't threatened by change or by the unfamiliar but are curious to know more about it and integrate it into their ever-expanding wealth of under standing of themselves and their world. The truth is, many of us spend so much of our time worrying and try ing to prevent the"bad" from happening that we forget to enjoy our lives! Who said that life can't be wonderful, rich, abundant and joyous in the presence of uncertainty? The only question is,"What do we need to do to be able to achieve this?" The first law of life to consider and embrace is this: "Life is uncertain:'
There is no escaping this and the more effort we put into getting rid of the uncertainty the more energy we're wasting. Instead of trying to control the inevitable, what about focusing on what you can control and influence? Focus instead on what you enjoy, what you can do, what your strengths are and what you want to achieve. The fact is, in life there are few guarantees. You can't control your world. You control nothing when it comes to the future.You have no con trol over the future.This sounds negative, but in reality it's freeing.Think about it, if you accept this is true, doesn't it free you to focus on what you can control? The second law of life to consider and embrace is: "It is only in the unknown that I can learn:'
Think about this for a moment. If you already know something, isn't it in the realm of"The known''? If you don't know something, isn't it in the realm of"The unknown''? So many people fear the unknown. They will do anything to avoid it, including insisting they know best, that what they've been doing gets
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Uncomfort (Learning) Zone
Comfort Zone
them by, that they don't need anything else, or they delete any evidence that things are not fine. Remember filtering? We distort, delete or gener alise to make sure the world fits our own map of it. If we have a belief that we don't like uncertainty, won't we delete evidence that is contrary to this? Won't we distort our current experience to justify staying the same? Won't we generalise about how bad it is going into the unknown, because it "went bad last time"? Think about a situation in your own life that left you feeling anxious. Perhaps it was the need to learn a new skill or capability. Perhaps you needed to talk to someone you didn't know and you weren't sure how to do it. Perhaps you had to stretch yourself beyond what you were certain you could do. How did you feel? W hat did you do? Did you keep going or back oft? And after this situation ... did you avoid similar situations after that or seek them out? Most people will say they avoid situations that involve them going outside their comfort zone. Yet the only way to create the change we want in our life is to go to what I call the "Uncomfort Zone".
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The third law of life to consider and embrace is: "The quality of your life will increase the more you are willing to explore the unknown:'
Look at the diagram below. Your problems are on the right, on a scale of between one and ten. Your level of willingness to grow and learn about yourself and your world - instead of trying to control it - is on the left. If you have a problem that you decide is a five out ten in severity, and your willingness to embrace uncertainty is a one, how big does that prob lem appear? What about if your willingness to embrace uncertainty is an eight? What does that do to how you perceive your problem? Notice that the problem now seems manageable?
10 9
8 7 6
5 4
3 2
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The reason why most people find life tough is because they're putting their energy into eliminating uncertainty. Eliminating uncertainty can't be done. No wonder their life is hard. Something to think about? Ask yourself, how much time and effort do you put into eliminating uncertainty? How much of your thoughts turn to control? How often do you bemoan the uncertainties of life of criticise those who ask you to come outside your comfort zone? How often do you feel threatened or afraid or unwilling to learn? All of these questions are designed to stir up the truth of what you are giving up in terms of joy, growth and learning when you hang onto your comfort zone. I'm curious, what's so great about a comfort zone? What is so ap pealing about playing it safe, living within the square, thinking the same, acting the same, doing what you did yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that? Our company attends a personal development exhibition each year in two cities. We offer people who are interested the opportunity to win a coach or become a coach. They have the chance to win $1,000.00 of coaching where they can learn about themselves and who they are. Even if they don't win, they can still have a free coaching session, compliments of our school. The session is valued at $200.00, and gives anyone who wants to the opportunity to discover more about themselves and what it is they want to focus on for the year ahead. What intrigues me is that as the doors open to the exhibition the crowd rushes in ... hundreds of people ... and they all make the dash to the stand they have come to see ... the fortune tellers. What they want is certainty... certainty about how their lives will work out. Certainty they will experience love. Certainty they will succeed. Certainty. Certainty. Certainty. Instead of realising that all possibilities exist in our lives, they choose instead to invest in one possibility. A possibility predicted by someone. And some of these people act on these predictions. I am not saying I don't believe in psychic abilities, because I do. What I am saying is that looking
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for certainty in our future is surrendering our greatest gift ... the ability to enjoy the ride regardless of where it takes us. How do we do this? Give up the need to be right. Surrender the desire to win an argument, prove your point, correct some one else or remind yourself of your exper tise. If you have a big case of"Certain-itise" then this will be a stretch for you, as it was for me. It's worth sticking at, though, because you'll start to relax and go with the flow. You'll notice people's differences with ap preciation, instead of the desire to change them to conform to your way of thinking. People will be drawn to you and you'll be a much warmer person to be around. Get used to saying"Maybe ... " Instead of having to know the answer, get in the habit of being curious about what all the possibilities could be. Someone says to you,"This won't work." Suppress the need to say how it will, or why you think it won't. Instead say, even if it's just to yourself, "Maybe ... ", or"I wonder... ", or"Let's see ... " �
For example, instead of saying,"I hope this works out," say "I wonder how it works out."
�
Instead of saying,"I hope I get the job," say "I wonder if I'll get the job."
�
Instead of saying,"I wish this was better," say "I wonder how this can be improved."
�
Instead of saying,"I wish this was easier," say "I'm curious about how to do it easier."
Do you notice the difference in how you feel when you say these sentences? Why have your hopes dashed by using the word hope, when you can simply satisfy your curiousity by wondering about something? Much less drama, and it eliminates the stories we tell ourselves.
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Get curious about what you don't know: The one secret to growth and happiness and fulfillment is to be curious about what is on the other side of the comfort zone. Be prepared to commit to stepping outside the walls of your comfort zone at least once a day. You will be amazed at how dif ferently you start to view your world. Acknowledge yourself: Even if you take one tiny step, take the time to acknowledge yourself for doing it. So few people praise themselves, and this is why they don't like themselves. Would you like or be attracted to someone you didn't admire in some way? You're no different. You are wor thy of your acknowledgement. Acknowledge yourself each day for what you have attempted and what you have accomplished. More importantly, acknowledge yourself for who you are. What do you recognise you need to give up? Is it about being right? List what you need to surrender to move closer to Level I living. Think of at least five things you might have said "I hope ..." to. For example, "I hope I get the job", "I hope he likes me ..." List them here. Change them to "I wonder..." statements and notice the difference. What are five things you would like to explore that are, at the mo ment, outside of your comfort zone. What would change in your life if you did explore them? How would your life be improved? Commit to one action each d ay that takes you outside your comfort zone. If you're not sure what that might be, borrow some ideas from the list here. I could ... ,¢-
Dance
,¢-
Read
,¢-
Go to the movies
,¢-
Learn something new
,¢-
Join a club
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-¢,-
Join a short course
-¢,-
Start acting lessons
-¢,-
Learn a musical instrument
-¢,-
Invite some friends to dinner
-¢,-
Go swimming
-¢,-
Join a gym
-¢,-
Walk each day
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Do press ups for fun
-¢,-
Skip
-¢,-
Sing
-¢,-
Learn about a foreign country
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Listen to some self-improvement CD's
-¢,-
Write an article about something I love
-¢,-
Garden
-¢,-
Buy a pot plant
-¢,-
Donate some time to a worthy cause
-¢,-
Declutter a messy room
-¢,-
Sort through the photos
-¢,-
Dress to impress
-¢,-
Get a hair cut
-¢,-
Book and go on a holiday
-¢,-
Ask someone on a date
-¢,-
Give a gift to someone because...
-¢,-
Find out about a job promotion
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-¢-
Start a home based business
-¢-
Learn how to paint
-¢-
Register as an extra for a TV show
-¢-
Ask the boss what I could do better... and then do it
-¢-
Learn how to speak in public
-¢-
Form a book club
-¢-
Join a book club
-¢-
Join a sports club
-¢-
Learn a language
-¢-
Commit to one kind act each day
-¢-
Ask for a raise
-¢-
Remind a child how phenomenal they are
-¢-
Teach a class in something I love
-¢-
Get a massage
-¢-
Become vegetarian
-¢-
Write a poem "The more you depend on forces outside of yourself, the more you are dominated by them:'
HAROLD SHERMAN
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How to Play the Game of Life: Level I Living for an Extraordinary Life For the next ten days, play your game of life as if each of the Five Keys are 100% correct. Remember that it isn't what you do, it's what you do consistently that determines the quality of your life. Everything is an opportunity to learn ... there is no failure ... only feedback If you find yourself slipping in one area, remember it is a choice to get back on track. One slip into old habits is not who you are, it is simply an opportunity to step up once more. You will feel great about yourself when you do this. How else will you play the game of life at level I? "We first make our habits, and then our habits make us:' JOHN DRYDEN
Design Your Ideal Average Day For free tools to Design Your Ideal Average Day visit: www.thecoachinginstitute.eom.au/VourSuccess
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Chapter Ill HowYourlanguage Shapes Your Life
Our Language: Our World If I had learnt years ago that what I said to myself and to others would shape my life, I know I would have made some decidedly different choic es. My language was filled with "I can't" and "it's too hard," and "later." If only I had known that saying those words created my reality. I would have changed them in an instant and that would have changed my world. But I didn't, and I stayed stuck for a decade, living with the three old men oflife, Wishing, Waiting and Hoping. When I finally realised the truth ofthe saying "What you tell yourself and others on a consistent basis is how you will experience your life", I had recognised the enormous cost I had paid until then. People with a negative vocabulary experience a negative life. People with rich vocabularies experience more choices and more variety in how they experience their world. What does this mean? It means ifwe continually use words that focus on lack, pain, disappointment, despair, sadness and anger then that is how we will experience our world. Ifwe continually describe our world and our view ofit as multi-coloured,
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vibrant, fun, abundant and loving, then we will experience that world. Language has enormous intensity. We can't say the word hate, for instance, without having an emotional charge attached to it. We can't say love without another type of charge. Simply by changing your vocabulary you transform how you feel, how you think and the way you live. I experienced the power of this when something happened in our business that was extremely challenging. I reacted with alarm, and could feel myself going red as I used the words "hate this" and "this is terrible" and "how could they!" I was with one of our team. My associate wasn't getting angry. In fact, they seemed pretty calm about it. They were "curious" and "interested" about what was happening. Curious! I was fuming. As the anger and frustration built it occurred to me that I had a choice in how I reacted to what was happening. I used the word "tickled" instead of angry and found myself smiling. Before long the giant issue was manageable. What other words can you use instead of angry, furious or livid? How about peeved? Or mildly annoyed? What about miffed? What other words can you use instead of depressed, miserable, gutted or devastated? How about concerned? Or confused? What about curious? Or a little sad? Do you think this would make a difference to how you experience the events in your life? The thing to appreciate is that the words we use to describe our experience then become our experience. This is because we use our language to describe our world, and because our language can't exactly describe how we feel, what we see and what we hear, we tend to exaggerate, misrepresent or distort our experience. Think about a time an event happened that annoyed you yet seemed to anger someone else. The same event can cause any number of reactions because the words we use cause a change in our physiology. There is an actual biochemical change in our body when we use language that has energy.
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Words impact our beliefs and our actions
Here are some typical words we might use to describe our experience. What words could you use instead, that would have the effect of changing how you experience an event?
Angry
Disenchanted
Afraid
Concerned
Terrified
Challenged
Frustrated
Stimulated
Furious Humiliated Devastated Scared Overwhelmed Stressed Jealous Gutted Miserable Disgusted Exhausted
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Now it's your turn. Think of events in your life where you may react with strong language that creates negative feelings. What are some alternatives that you can use instead?
Old, unresourceful word
New, resourceful word
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The same technique can be used in reverse. Think of situations that give you pleasure and the language you use. Some people could have the time of their lives and they would describe it as "good". Other people could experience the same wonderful event and yell "That was phenomenal!" Do you think these two people would experience these events differently?
Good
Awesome
Fine
Fabulous
Excited
Over the moon
Like
Love
Okay Pretty good Happy Great Curious Satisfied
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Now it's your turn. Think of events in your life where you may react with mediocre language that creates neutral or flat feelings. What are some alternatives that you can use instead?
Mediocre word
Energised word
Play the vocabulary game with passion and intensity and playfulness for ten days and notice the difference it makes.Just for the fun of it, when expe riencing (rather than confronted with) an interesting (rather than challeng ing) situation, respond with mild, neutral and even empowering language. When experiencing a situation that gives you pleasure, turn up the volume and intensity on your language, make it even more playful and outrageous and energised. Feel the emotions of the words you choose to use and notice the difference.
Free Personal SWAT Analysis For your free Personal SWAT Analysis visit: www.thecoachinginstitute.eom.au/VourSuccess
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Chapter IV Determining Your Values
Determining the Compass of Your Life Values ... those emotional states or qualities that we value above all others ... can do more to determine the quality of your life than any other single thing. Values determine all of our decision making, and therefore our destiny. If you know your values then you know who you are and what you stand for. Your life is owned by you and shaped by you on your terms. Remember the movie Greed from the 1980's? Charlie Sheen's charac ter thinks that he wants the life and the values that his mentor, played by Michael Douglas, holds. At first he makes the moves that someone who values greed, ego and winning above all costs values. Then he comes to realise that he doesn't value those things. That in fact living that way was empty for him. He drew his line in the sand, and stood up for what he really valued. Integrity and love. Most movies have two levels going on.There's the level of action that we see ... the hero wins the girl, the hero wins the race.The second level is under the surface.It is the process of who the hero becomes and what they stand for to win the prize.And sometimes they don't win the prize... they don't get the surface level outcome ... but they get something so much more rewarding and satisfying.They find out who they really are.
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We all admire people who make a stand for what they believe in. We are in awe of those extraordinary people who live by highly defined principles. Think of Nelson Mandela. He spent nearly three decades in prison and upon his release his convictions were as strong as when he was jailed. Think of anyone you have admired in your life. Didn't they seem to just know what they stood for? We all have values but few of us are aware of this. Most people have little idea of how what they value is shaping their lives.To achieve fulfill ment and success ... true success... it is essential to decide what we value most in life and then commit to live by them every day. If we're not clear about what it most important to us in our lives then how can we experience the satisfaction of knowing ourselves and of mak ing effective decisions? Think of a time you found it difficult to make a decision.The chances are that your uncertainty about what was most important to you in the situation led to your doubts. When you know what you stand for and what is most important to you then decision making becomes effortless. This must be true not just when the going is easy, but when the going is tough. Anyone can live by their values when there is smooth sailing. Anyone can be a person of kindness and integrity and graciousness when there are no challenges in their lives. But we must hold these values to our hearts when the challenges arrive, because they will arrive. It is an inevi table part of life that the smooth waters of life will become choppy, and then develop into swells, and then become a full storm. The storms of life are inevitable. Even during the storms, we must make the decision to stay true to our values. Whenever a new potential client comes to work with me, I can nearly always tell if they will sign on as clients. It rarely has anything to do with what we cover in the session ... some people have experienced a radical shift in their thinking which will give them enormous benefits in their lives and still not sign on as a client ... The people who don't commit to
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coaching are the same people who can't commit to themselves and don't stand for anything. Life just happens to them and they wonder why, yet when presented with the opportunity to learn how to gain control of their lives they can't do it. I don't say this with anything except for understanding. How can they possibly commit to coaching when they don't have any clue what it is they would want to get from coaching? How can they say yes to themselves when they have no idea who they are or what they stand for? Commitment for them is something they have practiced avoiding. Committing to coaching would be a huge step forward. For some people, it's too big a step. What I would want to share with them is that the only way to have the feelings of fulfillment and happiness is to live by our highest ideals. To do this we need to know what those ideals are. Doing this creates huge benefits. We get to know joy, fulfillment and satisfaction that we are living a life of purpose. Not knowing our values means we will experience frustration, despair and pain.
Types of Values If you place importance on something then you value it. For example, you might say that you value happiness, security, family and money. The first two values are what are called end values, because they are the emotional states you want to experience. The last two of family and success are what are called means values. They are the vehicles by which you choose to ex perience the emotional states you must desire. When talking of values in the context of creating an extraordinary life, we are referring to end values: those emotional states you want to experience. If you desire happiness, there are thousands of vehicles for you to achieve this value. The means to achieve happiness is endless. The means
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is simply how you will get there. If you said you loved your job, because it gave you a sense of accom plishment, pride, connection and satisfaction, then the job is the means for you to experience the emotions of accomplishment, pride, connection and satisfaction. If you said you loved money, I would ask you what does it give you? You might say wealth. I would ask you what does that give you? You might say security. Your means was money and wealth. Your end state ... the deeper value ... is security. What you want when you earn money is security. Do you think there are other ways you might be able to experience security other than money? Of course. What happens is that we get so caught up in the collection of the means ... collecting the stuff of life like a house, car, friends, holid ays, clothes, wealth ... that we don't realise we're doing it all to meet our true values. Our true values are our end values. Have you ever experienced the feeling of achieving something you thought you wanted and then said to yourself"Is this all there is?" I have. I remember striving for my first big job in a corporation. I thought that this was it. I thought that I had made it. It took a short time for me to realise that it was nothing like I thought it was. I felt empty, unappreciated and unimportant. Ifl'd known my values I would have known that one of my core mov ing towards values is connection. I value connecting with others, and I could not achieve this in a large company where everyone stuck to their political agendas. I worked with a client who was a doctor because that was what his parents wanted for him. He was an excellent and talented doctor, but he knew there must be something more to life. When he gave up living his parents' dream and pursued his own his whole world changed. He realised that what he really valued was making a difference, love and being challenged. When he began pursuing these values his life finally made sense.
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Moving Towards Values Emotional states that we want to experience are called Moving Towards Values. Moving towards values are positive emotional states that we enjoy experiencing, such as love, connection and fun. These are the emotional states that we most want to attain on a consistent basis. Examples of Moving Towards Values: �
Love
�
Freedom
�
Security
�
Safety
�
Health
�
Energy
�
Passion
�
Compassion
�
Adventure
�
Integrity
�
Honesty
�
Connection
�
Respect
�
Intelligence
�
Wisdom
�
Contribution
�
Gratefulness
�
Growth
�
Playfulness
�
Happiness
�
Creativity
What has been most important to you in life? What emotional states have you most wanted to experience? Be as honest as you can when you do this. Once you have this list, reduce the values you have listed down to a maximum of ten. To eliminate values, look for values that are similar to others. Remember, dropping a value from the list doesn't mean you no longer value it. As you wrote your list of values you might have noticed that you value some of these emotional states more than others. For example, you may
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have listed love and security as one and two on your list, then happiness and fun, but you know that you value fun ahead of security. Now that you have your list, it's time to put your values in order of importance. It's important also to write the list in order of importance, as your mind will recall the list the way it is written, not the way you say it should be in your mind. To find out which values you value ahead of others, go through the list and ask this question:
What has been more important to me in my life: or
?
For example, what has been more important to me in my life, security or happiness? Trust the answer you come up with and write it down. What is it that you have learnt from doing this exercise? For example, were you surprised by your list? Did you know you valued some of the emotional states that you listed as much as you did? Does your life reflect what you've listed? For example, if you listed freedom as one of your top values do you stay free of commitment in some areas of your life? Do you prefer to keep your options open? If you said you valued security do you notice how you like things to stay the same? Do you put energy into feeling secure, like a reliable job and a steady partner? Do you think if someone values love above all else will experience a different quality of life to someone who values security? What kind of decisions do you think they would make? If someone values certainty ahead of all else what kind of life will they lead compared to someone who values playfulness? What kind of deci sions would these two people make?
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What if someone says they value control above all else? What kind of decisions do you think they make? Many of my clients come to realise that what they have been driven to achieve in their life isn't happiness, like they thought they had, but a sense of control. They have pursued getting control at the expense of all else, especially happiness. What about someone who has values that are in conflict? For exam ple, what if someone values freedom and control? What kind of life would they experience? Part of them wants to be free to go with the flow and part of them wants to control the situation. I'm imagining they would find decision making difficult, to say the least. And I imagine someone like this would be constantly unhappy. By getting clear on what you truly value, you can understand why you do what you do. What you want to do is find ways to meet your values every day. Not some of your values, but all of them. So how do you do that? Rules are what must and must not happen in order for us to meet our values. My highest value is health and vitality, and I have rules that must be met for me to meet my core value every day. One of these rules is that I ex perience health whenever I go for a walk. A rule for you to experience love could be "My partner tells me he loves me," or "I hug someone I love." Take the time now to write down your rules for what must happen for your core values to be met. This exercise takes a little time, but it is well worth it. To do this exercise, answer the question:
What has to happen in order for me to feel:
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For example ...
Value:
Rules:
Whenever I do this exercise with a client, their rules are often very hard to meet. Example of Rules: Number One Value: Health and vitality Client's rules for this value to be met: <¢-
I must walk six days a week
<¢-
Eat healthfully
<¢-
Avoid alcohol
<¢-
Drink three litres of water
<¢-
Lose weight ...
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Notice how hard these rules are? How hard must this person work to meet their core value? This is what I call self-sabotage. We set ourselves up to fail by setting standards for success that are too high. When I elicited my values and rules I was shocked about not just the values, which were about certainty and comfort, but my rules for achieving these values. I realised that whilst I had prided myself on living a life that embraced uncertainty, I actually found it stressful and tried to avoid it. Then I asked myself, are these the values I would have ifl was to live the life of my dreams? If I was to create my ideal life what would my values need to be? In a little while we' ll look at what to do if our values and rules don't support our desired life. For now, though, let's look at the second type of values.
Moving Away Values As well as having emotional states we want to experience, we also have emotional states that we want to avoid. These are the emotional states that we perceive would cause us pain. Remember, we do more to avoid pain than we will to feel pleasure. Examples of moving away values are rejection, frustration, irritation, failure, guilt, humiliation, overwhelm, stress, depression, sadness, anger or procrastination. What has been most important to you to avoid experiencing in life? What emotional states have you most wanted to avoid experiencing? Be as honest as you can when you do this. To find out, answer the question: What is a fe eling I would do almost anything to avoid having to feel? As you did for your moving towards values, it's time to put your mov ing away values in order of importance. Again, it's important also to write the list in order of importance, as your mind will recall the list the way it is written, not the way you say it should be in your mind.
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To find out which values you want to avoid ahead of others, go through the list and ask this question:
Which of these feelings would I do more to avoid having to feel:
?
or
For example, Which of these feelings would I do more to avoid having to feel, rejection or loneliness? Trust the answer you come up with and write it down. Take the time now to write down your rules for what must happen for your core moving away values to be met. To do this exercise, answer the question:
What has to happen in order for you to feel:
?
Now that you've completed your old values, we're going to explore how you want your life to look. Once we've done that we will come back to val ues... and explore what your values need to be in order for you to create your ideal life.Whenever anyone does this exercise they are amazed at the trans formation their values go through... and then how that impacts their life.
Free Values Audit For your free Values Audit visit: www.thecoachinginstitute.eom.au/VourSuccess
•
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What will they think? Why? Why me? Why can't I do it? how can I do even better? Qyestions constantly shape our choices. We can't stop the questions, but what we can do is choose what the questions are. We have over two million bits of information coming at us every sin gle second ... we can't possibly take in all this information, so we delete, distort and generalise about what we are experiencing to make sense of it. One of the ways we do this is through our Driving Question. What question do you ask yourself most often that drives most of your behaviour and choices? For example, a client's original Driving Qyestion was "How can I stop feeling scared all the time?" The client experienced strong emotional intensity around this question.They also asked the question constantly. Another client thought their Driving Qyestion was "How can I make more money?" With some thought, they realised that what they were re ally asking was "How can I feel safe?" Another client asked the question "How can I help people?" When they thought about it they realised their question was "How can I get people to like me?" A client had the question "How can I learn from this?" Who do you think experienced more pain in their lives? The first few clients or the last client? When thinking about what your Driving Qyestions are, be aware of: -<>
You ask these questions in all different situations.
-<>
You associate intense emotion to the questions.
The intent of your question is to serve and empower you, but some times it can block us from everything getting in.The quality of our lives is determined by the quality of our questions. What this means is that if we ask ourselves disempowering questions, we are going to get an answer, and
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it will be disempowering. For example, if you make a mistake and you ask yourself "What's wrong with me?" you' ll get an answer like this: "Because I'm not good enough, because I always make a mess of things, because I never get a break, because I'm useless." And on it goes. If you ask yourself low quality questions you will experience a cor responding quality of life. Similarly, if you ask yourself high quality questions, you will experience a corresponding quality of life.Imagine you make a mistake, and instead of "Why me?" you ask yourself: "How can I turn this around?" or "What can I learn from this?" or "What is the gift in this?" or "How can I do better next time?" or "What is it about this that I control or influence?" Better questions? Absolutely. I've been training my mind to ask these questions and I experience less stress, overwhelm and anxiety. I haven't eliminated these emotional states ... even knowing this, I still do disempowering questions ... but remember, it's what we do consistently that counts. The quality of our life is determined by the quality of our questions to ourselves and to others If you have a pattern of asking yourself poor quality questions it's time to commit to a new pattern. The same way you learnt the old questions, you can learn new ones that will work with you instead of against you. It takes a willingness to want more for your life. I know if you are still with me in this workbook and CD's then that is who you are. Examples of disempowering Driving Qyestions: <¢,
How can I stop feeling scared?
<¢,
What ifl fail?
<¢,
What if I don't fail?
<¢,
What's wrong with me?
<¢,
How can I get people to like me?
<¢,
Why is this happening to me?
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-¢,
What am I going to do with my life?
-¢,
How can I get what I want?
-¢,
Why won't they listen?
-¢,
How do I be number one?
-¢,
Why me?
-¢,
What's the use?
-¢,
Why doesn't anyone care?
-¢,
How can I stop being hurt?
-¢,
Why can't I stop eating?
What disempowering questions do you ask yourself on a consistent basis? What do these disempowering questions cost you? What do you miss out on because of these questions? What do you fear, tolerate or avoid because of these questions? Why must these questions change right now? Examples of Empowering Driving Qyestions: -¢-
Where's the good in this?
-¢-
How can I be even more joyfully driven and contribute even more right now?
-¢-
What will self-drive and self-love create right now?
-¢-
What's even more magical and magnificent within me right now?
-¢-
How can I appreciate even more the perfection in this moment right now?
-¢-
How can I get to the next level?
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-¢-
How can I improve this?
-¢-
What do I admire about this?
-¢-
How can I enjoy and share even more the love,joy and passion that is within me right now?
-¢-
How can I feel and share even more the love and sense of fun I feel within me right now?
-¢-
How can I appreciate even more the vitality and great health that I am experiencing right now?
-¢-
How can I feel even more love right now?
Notice the pattern with the new questions... built into some of the empowering questions a presupposition... an assumption... that the quality or attribute already exists within you ... even more... Claim the desired questions for right now. What empowering questions do you ask yourself on a consistent basis? If you were to construct the ULTIMATE DRIVING QUESTION that you would ask yourself on a consistent basis,what would it be? Don't wait until you're dying to find the will to live
What is your new Driving Qyestion... a question that fulfills you,makes you happy,and can be your focus every day? What question,if you were to ask it every d ay and in all situations,would enable you to move your life in the direction of even more happiness,fulfillment and success?
How can I appreciate and enjoy even more ...
that
right now?
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How can I enjoy and share even more ...
that
right now?
How can I ...
even more?
What are the benefits of this new question?
Handy tip: If you are stressed, you are asking the old question. You can't feel gratitude and fear/stress at the same time. Choose to experience gratitude/appreciation and notice the difference in how you experience your life.
"The way to be poor is to be ungrateful:'
Free Thinker Audit For your free Thinker Audit visit: www.thecoachinginstitute.eom.au/VourSuccess
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Imagine you're going for a goal, say to weigh your ideal weight.You're doing the right things, making some progress, then you seem to plateau and no matter what you do nothing seems to be shifting. The going gets tougher than it had been when you started, some of the fun of the new exercise regime is starting to fade and frankly it's getting tough to say no to the dinner invitations. You tell yourself you've done pretty well, or that you don't really have that big a butt, or that it's okay to carry some extra weight at your age or with your work load or with kids to look after. You give up the dream because you rationalised your lack of success. You made it ok ay to settle again for the poor results you were getting. We do this all the time. Think about a time you wanted a pay rise, a date with someone or a bigger saving account.We don't get what we want in the time frame we've made up for ourselves and that we're most likely not even aware of and we rationalise our lack of results. "I don't care about the job anyway." "He wasn't that great." "I'll save once I've had this holiday, this new car, this stereo, this wardrobe... " And so it goes.We rationalise ourselves into mediocrity, until the next cycle of pain hits and we have to act. We take a few steps, get results, no tice a plateau and the going getting a little tough ... and the rationalising starts again. The problem with this strategy is each time we do it we shave a little more off our self-esteem. We trade in our self-belief for settling. We drop our standards because we don't want to be disappointed the next time. The next time comes around and the plateau seems to hit a lot sooner. This is what most people do in the game of life. Anyone who doesn't push through the plateau enough to know true success will give up and settle. We have to get some runs on the board occasionally or we learn helplessness. We learn the strategy of low expectations. And you thought this was a motivational book! Š
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In a way, it is, because now armed with this knowledge of this specific strategy you are now placed in a position of power. You now have enough knowledge to recognise when the "I don't want to get hurt" strategy is about to kick in. That means you get to choose Plan B. Plan B is simple. When you hit the plateau, you raise your standards. You ask more of yourself than you normally would and you ask more of yourself than the people around you would. You don't settle, you step up. It sounds so ridiculously simple that you're probably questioning if this was worth the investment. Yes, absolutely, because this can change your life. Most people experience a setback and give up. People who live at Level I don't give up. They keep going. . . even harder. They focus on where they are going, not on what is holding them back. They have a plan and they read it often. They see themselves doing the thing they want success fully. They don't see it once, but dozens and even hundreds of times. Ian Thorpe sees himself not just winning his race, but all the other swimmers stuck behind him in grey colours, looking as if they are stuck in the pool. Level I pl ayers focus consistently on where they are going and have a deadline for when they are going to achieve their goal. Not "Next year," but a specific date. If you say "next year" your brain will comply and put off delivering that goal until "Next year." Next year can't ever arrive. We can only experience now. Level I players are specific about what it is they want to achieve. "I'll be rich," is not specific. "I'm earning $250,000.00 per year effort lessly," is specific. Level I players state their goals "as if". This means you need to state your goal as if it is the deadline right now. "It is August 2006 and I am delivering a public speech to one thousand people who are responding with cheers and applause and I feel fantastic."
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Your Goals and the Problems They Create
The only way to know you have a goal that is important to you is if you have obstacles. Problems tell you this counts and that you want it. The only way to experience a problem is to have a goal. Imagine someone sitting on a couch, not working, and broke. Their goal is to make money, the obstacle is their lack of motivation. Imagine someone earning a million dollars a year.They want to dou ble it.They try everything they can with total motivation but don't achieve it. A sale falls through at the last moment. Their goal is to make more money, their obstacle is not enough sales. You want great health and get sick.Your goal is to be healthy and your obstacle is the illness. You want a new job and go hunting.You get only a few interviews but nothing you want. Your goal is a new job and your obstacle is the lack of suitable jobs. "It's only when we want something that we can experience obstacles:'
This is good news, because it tells us that each time we experience a setback or a problem, it's feedback telling us this counts and that we want it. The more success we get the bigger the problem ... there is more at risk... which is even better because it means we have stepped up. We love problems. Be SMART About Your Goals
S - Smart M - Measurable A - Attainable R - Realistic T - Timeframe
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Make sure your goals fit in with this model. Your goals need to be specific - that is, state exactly what you want to achieve. They need to be measurable - how will you know you've achieved your goal? What will be your evidence? Your goals need to be attainable - Achievable by you and something you alone can control and influence. They need to realistic - within reach yet still a stretch, with an incre mental plan for getting there. Your goals need to have a timeframe - when will you achieve this goal by and how will you celebrate? There's one more letter that needs to be added, and without it all of this is just talk ... A - Action We must, must, must, must be prepared to take action. If we don't take action we are simply filling time with an interesting philosophical exercise. Nothing can replace action.
Goal Setting for Extraordinary Success Writing down your ultimate vision is the first step to your extraordinary life. If you were to leave it there you would be in the small majority of people who write down their vision. Most people stop there.They stay with "Ifl get a break then I'll work on this," or "When I have the time ..." To take it to the next level... the essential level... you need to take from the vision statement the key goals that you will choose to work to wards. Narrowing down your vision to four or five specific goals is a giant leap beyond what most people do. Go back through your vision and write next to each of the goals whether you want to achieve them in 1, 2, 5, 10 or 20 years. Once you've
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done that, copy out your top five one year goals. Include one goal that is an attribute, or a character quality that you desire to develop within yourself, one goal that is something you want to do, and one goal of what you want to have. The last two goals can be whatever you choose. Include with your goal the reasons why you will achieve this goal within the next twelve months. Remember it is when we have a compel ling reason why that we find what we need to move.
Goal One: GoalTwo: GoalThree: Goal Four: Goal Five:
Write down what attributes or character qualities someone who had these goals would possess. Describe the qualities, values, beliefs, thoughts, attitudes etc., this person would possess and value. "Nothing is impossible to a willing heart:' JOHN HEYWOOD
Handy Tip: It's the quality of our questions that determines our results in life. Here are some great questions for assisting you to think differently about your life and what is happening for you.
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Self Coaching Qyestions: �
What is great about this problem?
�
What can I learn about this problem?
�
What is it that I really want from this situation?
�
How can I focus even more on my desired goal?
�
What is preventing me taking action and how will I overcome that obstacle right now?
�
What would a person who had already done this before focus on?
�
What can I control or influence about this right now?
�
If there was a solution what would it be?
�
What am I willing to do to make this the way I want it?
�
What am I no longer willing to tolerate to make this work?
Creating Your New Empowering Values You have in place a picture of your ideal life, your top five one year goals, empowering questions for driving you towards your destiny. Now it's time to put in place the values you need to support you as you go about creating your ideal life. As we said earlier, values are the drivers ... they are instrumental in determining the quality of our life and whether or not we are happy and fulfilled. Look at your old values and ask yourself, which of these values will support, nurture and serve me as I go about creating my ideal life? Which values wouldn't? For example, if you have designed more fun in your life, and your values are about obligation, duty and commitment, there is a conflict. It would be difficult to experience fun. If you want to experience
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more achievement in your life and your values are around fun and free dom and your moving away values are rejection and failure, achievement is going to elude you. It's time to create values that are going to conspire for your success. It's time to think about the values that you want driving you as you build your extraordinary life. Examples of Values: ,¢,
Honour
,¢,
Love
,¢,
Courage
,¢,
Commitment
,¢,
Tolerance
,¢,
Self-trust
,¢,
Passion
,¢,
Compassion
,¢,
Persistence
,¢,
Tenacity
,¢,
Faith
,¢,
Openness
,¢,
Outrageousness
,¢,
Achievement
,¢,
Fun
,¢,
Adventure
,¢,
Happiness
Sharon's Number One Value: Health and vitality My rules for this value to be met: -¢-
I experience health and vitality anytime I walk my dog, OR
-¢-
I do yoga, OR
-¢-
Eat healthily, OR
-¢-
Drink water, OR
-¢-
Go to the beach.
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What are you noticing? How easy do you think it is for me to achieve meeting my top need for health and vitality each and every day? The key to this is to make your rules about your values as easy as possible to achieve. Now it's your turn to construct the values for your life that will be a guiding compass, regardless of what is happening or you think is happening. �
What kind of person do you ultimately need to become in your lifetime?
�
What do you want to stand for? What do you want to believe in?
�
What do your values need to be to achieve the extraordinary life you are designing for yourself?
�
What order do these values need to be in, in order to achieve your extraordinary life?
�
What rules do these values need to have in order to achieve your extraordinary life?
When constructing these rules, make sure they are as easy to achieve as possible ... conspire for your own success. For example: Love �
I experience love anytime I see someone being kind, 0 R
�
Feel love, OR
�
Show my love to someone, OR
�
Remember a loving moment, OR
�
Take care of myself, OR
�
Tell someone I love them or care for them
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Notice in this example how easy it is to feel the value of love? Make sure you give yourself the same gift of successfully being able to feel the emotional states you want to all the time. Make sure that your rules can be met by you alone. If you are reliant upon someone else to do or say something you are surrendering your opportunity to feel that emotional state to someone else.
Number one value: Rules to experience this value: I experience
anytime I
,OR ,OR ,OR ,OR
Now let's create your moving away values ... moving away values that you know, if you were to experience them, you were disconnecting from your authentic self For example, my number one moving away value is self-pity. I know ifl choose to do self-pity what I am really doing is being self-involved and selfish, and I am ignoring the truth that I have all I need within me now. I am also ignoring the truth that I am 100% responsible for how I experience my reality. My other moving away values include overwhelm and stress, because I know that when I choose those emotional states what I am really doing is hoping it will all just go away and I won't have to deal.The truth? I have
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the resources I need to turn it around, and there is always a practical or spiritual solution to everything. When you originally did this exercise, you may have chosen rejection or failure as a moving away value ...We trust that you are beginning to ap preciate that rejection and failure are an inevitable part of any experience. Without the risk of experiencing our three greatest fears, we can't learn appreciation or love or what we are truly capable 0£ Choose for yourself right now moving away values that will give you the most leverage for creating the momentum you are seeking for yoursel£ Once you've done that, create some rules that reflect your new leverage. For example: Sharon's moving away value: Self-pity Rule for experiencing self-pity �
Anytime I forget my true potential; OR
�
Anytime I forget I have the resources within me now; OR
�
Anytime I choose to be self-involved and sellish; OR
�
Anytime I want it to be all about me, like a martyr ...
Notice how strong my language is around this moving away value. What chance do you think I have of wanting to do this emotion very often? Hardly ever. In fact, whenever I do this emotion, I feel an amazing amount of discomfort and pain, because I know I am choosing to discon nect from my authentic sel£
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Moving away value number one:
Rules for experiencing my number one moving away value: I experience
anytime I
,OR ,OR ,OR ,OR
"Your commitment to living your values each and every day will equal the amount of fulfillment you experience:'
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Most people who do this find another half an hour to two hours per day. 3.
Add up how much time you spend on yourself, your goals, your personal and physical development.
4.
Develop and stick to a filing system that works. People who rely on their memory and scraps of paper to run their finances and their lives are limited by how much they can remember.
5.
If "no time" is a constant excuse or story you tell yourself to prevent you doing what needs to be done to achieve your goals, replace it with a belief or story that will work.
6.
Declutter your house of anything you haven't used for three years. This includes clothes, cooking implements, bedding, furniture and the rest of the useless stuff we gather throughout our lives.
Take a few moments to answer the questions below. <>
What activities took up the largest proportion of your time last year?
<>
What was the most valuable use of your time last year?
<>
What were your five biggest time wasters last year?
<>
Approximately how much time did you spend watching TV each day?
<>
Approximately how much time did you spend focusing on your dreams and goals each day?
How to Manage Your lime and Your Life If you're one of those people who has scraps of paper around the place on which notes, phone numbers, things to do and ideas are scattered, you are
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not alone. Have you noticed that these scraps of paper can be difficult to locate occasionally? There must be a better way, you wonder... The sim plest solution is to create five to ten files or boxes in which all these scraps of paper go, depending on their category. For example, say your focus in your life is family, friends, work, financ es, art class, exercise, self-development and gardening, all you do is create a file for each of these seven areas.Whenever you write a note to yourself, or receive some information about one of these areas, slot it immediately into the relevant file. That way when you need it it's exactly where it is supposed to be. It sounds so simple, doesn't it? It means you are organised, and has the added bonus of making it possible for you to get away from the "busyness" of the tasks you need to do. What do I mean by this? Have you ever noticed that a proportion of your time is spent running around doing errands that perhaps aren't that important to you? If you answered yes, you're in the majority. Now imagine taking each of these files and instead of just making your way through the to-do lists they represent, you ask yourself a better question ... what is it I ultimately want to achieve in this area? What will achieving this ultimately give me? Let's look at the example of exercise. The person above wants to achieve greater fitness, but always runs out of time. They also notice they want to spend more time with their family and on personal development. Why are these areas important? Because what they ultimately want is to feel great about themselves. "Everyone on the planet has the same number of hours in the day. People who say "I'm too busy" are investing in the "busy-ness" of their lives, instead of investing in what truly matters to them:'
Can they achieve this without having to do everything that's on each of the to-do lists? Absolutely. Perhaps they could go for walks with their family, or jog as they listen to a personal development tape. Notice
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that these options combine activities to get even more juice into what they want. Now they are propelling themselves closer to what they ulti mately want. What this means is you are creating for yourself a smarter system for achieving your ultimate life. Instead of spending each day simply getting through the lists of what needs to be done, you combine tasks. This system also allows you to eliminate tasks. Say you want to spend more time on your gardening and new business idea, and find your self spending too much time on errands. Instead of chaining yourself to the mundane tasks of dry cleaning runs and ironing, you hire a cleaner, and with the extra time you've created you develop your business faster and more efficiently. What if you can't afford a cleaner? How about delegating more of these tasks to family members who wouldn't traditionally do these things? Or how about doing them all in one hit once a week in "down-time" when you would normally watch TV? If you eliminated TV three days a week from your schedule how much more would you get done? How much closer would you be able to be towards building your ideal life?
The 80/20 Rule We all have the same 24 hours in each day but have you noticed how sometimes that doesn't feel like enough? This means it's important to make some smart choices about how you spend your time and your energy. The 80/20 rule simply means that 20 percent of all your activities are likely to produce 80 percent of the meaningful results in your life. What is your 20 percent? What is the small number of activities that produce the key outcomes you are wanting in your life? The more time you spend on these activities the faster you will be propelled towards your ultimate life.
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The Power of "No" I used to say yes to whatever was asked of me, believing that way I would be liked.What I was really doing was managing my fear of not being loved or not belonging. What would happen was I would run around for some one else, then feel resentful for being "used" if they didn't express enough gratitude. Maybe you have a pattern like that, and you're noticing that it's tiring making everyone else happy. Especially if it means you aren't. The solution is to learn to say no. It won't offend the other person, unless they expect you to comply to their every request, in which case why is that? If you have trouble saying "no", then say "I will have to get back to you."This buys you the time to think about whether this is something you really want to spend time on, and also means you won't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings. Once you've said you'll get back to them, you can then think of another solution that doesn't involve you. And maybe you'll choose to experience courage by saying you can't do the task.
Giving Up Perfectionism Perfectionism is a myth. When someone says "I am perfectionist" what I am hearing is that they have no standards. Perfectionism cannot be achieved, so it's the same as saying you want to achieve the impossible. Yet isn't it interesting how much time people spend trying to attain it. S aying we want perfection is really another way of saying I don't feel confident to say the task is complete. And isn't that another way of saying I fear not being enough? Hmmm... How about instead of focusing on perfection you focus on the results you want to achieve? Giving up the illusion of perfection is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, because it frees up your energy and time to focus on what really matters.
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When people are first introduced to this is they feel a level of fear because they have convinced themselves that it's necessary to achieve this. Abandoning perfection seems scary because they are unclear about what to replace it with. The solution is simple. Replace perfection with what it is you really want.
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To balance this, we have evolved to possess the human neocortex, which is the primary area for intellect- this is the creative, the intuitive, the intel lectual, the spiritual. More importantly, it is the home of happiness.
* Special note: Most of this section has been learnt through the teachings of Dr. Dan Baker and Cameron Stauth, from the book "You're Only Six Steps Away From Happiness". We highly recommend this book as part of your journey towards YOUR SUCCESS'ful life
The Twelve Qualities of Happiness 1.
Love: This is the heart of happiness. The best is loving some one else, and is the polar opposite of fear. It is the antidote to fear.
2.
Optimism: This provides power over painful events. It is more than just thinking positively. It is realising that even the most painful events hold opportunities for lessons. Even more, the more it hurts, the greater the lessons.
3.
Courage: The only way to rise above fear is to tap into courage. Fear is hardwired into our neural pathways, and so is courage. It is nature's way of providing balance and is the quality that allows us to thrive.
4.
A sense of freedom: W hen we choose, we define who we are. Everyone has the freedom to choose, and unhappy people don't know this or they don't believe it. The truth is, freedom is avail able to anyone who has the courage to exercise it.
5.
Proactivity: Happy people participate in their own destiny and make their own happiness. They don't wish, wait or hope that
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it comes along. They don't accept the role of the passive victim, but choose to be the active hero in their own life. 6.
Security: Happy people know that nothing truly lasts forever. Not money, approval, or even life. Security isn't measured in a bank account or a calendar, but through feeling secure about who they are and what they stand for. Security for them is an inside job.
7.
Health: Health and happiness are interdependent. The most important part of your health is your mood chemistry. You could be happy and not know it if you have an imbalance in the levels of serotonin and dopamine.
8.
Spirituality: Happy people are willing to go beyond the limits
or boundaries of their own lives. Their fear isn't death, it's not living a full life. 9.
Altruism: Think about the unhappy people you know and
notice how self involved they tend to be. Happy people focus on others, not just themselves. They know that this focus feels great, and gives them purpose. 10.
Perspective: Unhappy people tend to have a black and white view of life. It either is or it isn't, there's no grey, so it's easy for them to be disappointed. Happy people see the grey, aren't scared of it, and they keep sight of life's bigger picture when there are problems.
11.
Humour: When we laugh or choose to take ourselves lightly
we feel lighter, and our troubles seem further away and less serious. Humour and lightness connects us to our neocortex, and lifts suffering from the heart to a place of empowerment, the only place where there is the power to heal it. 12.
Purpose: Happy people know why they are here and are doing what they know they are meant to do.
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13. Appreciation This one quality gets its own banner... We cannot experience fear and appreciation at the same time. Happy people spend time appreciating and being grateful for what is in their lives, who is in their lives and what they are experiencing. What's at least ten things that would make you even more happy if you were to focus on them? i.e. I will feel even more happiness when I choose to spend more time walking in the morning. Remember to make sure you word it as it is above each time. I would choose to feel even more happy... Be sure to choose things, feelings, activities that only you can do or feel. Don't leave your happiness up to someone else changing You can include what you are no longer going to tolerate, for ex ample, I will feel even more happiness when I choose to clean out my cupboards I will feel even more happiness when I choose to ... What have you allowed until now to prevent you feeling happiness? Use the twelve keys to happiness to help you with this. For example, have you believed that your health plays no part in your happiness, or ignored the power of appreciation? Identify and list the areas that you have neglected until now. (i.e. proactivity, health, appreciation) What has neglecting these attributes cost you in the past? If you were to continue to ignore these attributes, what would be the cost on you and your loved ones in the future? What will be the cost on your dreams? How will you feel? What would your life look like if you continued to neglect these attributes? What do you have to gain by taking on these attributes? How will your life change? How will your attitude to life change if you choose to take on these attributes right now? What would prevent you taking on all twelve of these attributes? Is
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it something that is outside of your control and influence? For example, I can't feel appreciation as long as there are terrorists in the world. If you externalise the reasons why you can't, you're giving up your personal power. What you're saying is something that is beyond my influ ence will dictate my life. To change this, ask yourself, "What is within my control and influence now?" The answer is always how we manage our own emotional state. Everything else is always changing. "Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved:' JEREMY KITSON
If you were to commit to living a Level I YOUR SUCCESSful life from this moment on, which of the keys to happiness would you actively seek to experience in your life? How will you know you are doing this? What will you notice? What will you do? What will be different?
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Chapter IX The YOUR SUCCESS Keys to Extraordinary Health & Fitness
Health and ... Without health it is difficult to focus on the rest of our lives. Everything diminishes in importance if we are dealing with illness or disease. It takes our energy and our vitality and can even take our joy. Having our health is one of the most important things we can have. It is my number one value, it comes ahead of everything else, including love. Great health - extraordinary health - about making a commitment to yourself that doesn't get traded for other "priorities". Consistent action is what gets results, not what we do occasionally. Health can be defined as a state of complete mental, physical and so cial well-being. It is not simply the absence of illness or disease, because a person could be just getting by based on how they treat their body.
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Key Number One: Getting the Balance We get a natural high in one of two ways - either through adrenalin, which gives you that switched on feeling for short bursts - or from serot足 onin, which makes you feel calm and comfortable for longer periods. The real high comes from a balance of them both. There are five main chemicals in your body to think about: -<>
Adrenalin: gives you speed and confidence in busy times
-<>
Serotonin: makes you comfortable, relaxed and happy
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Cortisol: is the back up for when you run out of adrenalin, useful for times of enormous stress
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Melatonin: is necessary for when you need to sleep deeply
-<>
Insulin: is the key to controlling your sugar levels.
How well you sleep is one of the determinants for allowing your body to restore the chemical balance. A poor diet will create stress in your body, so it's forced to use emer足 gency system chemicals to suppress appetite and give you what you need to get you through the day. Some foods elevate serotonin levels and others elevate adrenalin. Exercise also has a trigger effect. Good fitness means you can manage pressure with less adrenalin. Some exercises increase serotonin produc足 tion. How you think influences body chemistry. If you feel fear, adrenaline will activate. Serotonin levels decrease when you are sad. Managing your thoughts is essential for balance of chemistry in your body. Each of the five chemicals we've talked about create a distinct effect on your physiology. If you learn to recognise their effects, you can inter足 vene in the process and manage your emotions.
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The adrenaline high can be addictive and gets you going but it isn't good for serotonin levels. It also dumps sugar into your system so you may suffer from an insulin overreaction. You're also in danger of crashing. When you slow down you may no tice you get sick. This is because a high on adrenalin falsely maintains your immune system. Slow down and you have a lowered immune system.
Are you an adrenaline junkie? �
Do you have a strong desire to be doing something constantly, even on holiday or on weekends?
�
Are you constantly thinking about what needs to be done?
�
Does relaxing get you feeling guilty?
�
Do you feel like rushing in traffic, even when you don't need to?
�
Do you fidget?
�
Do you feel a vague sense of depression?
If you answered yes, then perhaps it's time to re-evaluate how you use the chemicals in your body to manage your life. The key is to know when to tap into the adrenalin, because of the hazards of prolonged use of it. Caffeine, sugar, fatty foods, pressure, "pep" talks can all trigger adrenaline release. The key is to realise when you need it, it's there without these "props". When you drive, take time out to play CD's, and when you're home allow yourself the time to read something other than the front page of the newspaper. Learn to have the peak state when it is needed and the rest of your time go into cruise mode. You will ultimately have more energy and feel more capable. What are three things you could do that would enable you to ex perience a new level of health and vitality, based on what you have just learnt?
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Key Number Two: Motion is Emotion Regular and varied types of exercise creates a "rush" without the need for relying on the foods or drugs that can cause the chemical imbalance we spoke about in Key Number One. By exercising you increase your levels of serotonin, which improves your tolerance of stress and your ability to sleep. It also provides you with more energy and less prone to injury. If you don't exercise then you have simply developed the habit of not doing it. It doesn't mean you can't, it only means you need to develop the habit. If you tell yourself your not motivated then make it easy to become so... Put on your exercise gear in the morning, and don't shower or change until you've exercised. Exercise whilst you watch TV, instead of eating. Take the stairs. Walk to work or to the shops. Do whatever it takes to encourage your body and your mind to get used to the new habit. What are three things you can do to make exercise a priority in your life? How will doing these things benefit your life?
Key Number Three: What Not to Do Diets don't work. It is one of the most ineffective ways to lose weight. It involves you depriving yourself of food for weeks or months, denying yourself what you like, and then seeing your goal weight sabotaged the moment it is achieved.What's curious is that some people put themselves through this all the time! Instead of achieving optimum health and vital ity they drain themselves mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. Why don't diets work? Aren't you usually thinking about what you want to eat and what you're not allowed to eat? How can you succeed in achieving anything if you're focus is on something else? Depriving yourself is not the answer to achieving long-term health. When we go on a diet we throw our system into turmoil. Our cells learn to hang onto the sustenance they get because they aren't sure when they will get more. You teach your body to go into survival mode. Then
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when you hit your ideal weight, you come off the diet. Your cells don't know that. All they know is they are getting the sustenance they weren't getting. And you've taught them how to store up for lean times. No wonder the weight goes on faster than ever. And no wonder it seems harder to get it offi Make a commitment to yourself right now to dump harming your body with diets!
Key Number Four: High-Water Living We are 70 percent water.The only w ay for your body to replenish its natu ral water level is by you consuming a high-water diet. This means eating fruit and vegetables, rather than processed and prepackaged foods. The wonderful thing is that when you do this your weight will move to its optimum level, without you ever having to go hungry. You can eat as much fruit and vegetables as you want, especially foods like beetroot, carrots, broccoli, spinach and cabbage. (One person said it didn't work ... he was eating twenty bananas a day! Everything is balance). High water content foods means our cells get to detoxify. Water foods are the best flushing system. Your body will love you for it. Write down everything you've eaten in the past 24 hours
Look at your list of foods. How many of your choices were high water content foods? How many were processed or prepackaged? How many had a used-by date that extended beyond your photocopier toner! W hat you eat will pl ay a significant role in determining how you feel. If your list included mostly pre-prepared foods then you probably feel sluggish and lacking in the energy to exercise. You're keeping your body trapped in inertia. If your food intake is mostly high water content foods you probably already exercise, because you feel more energetic.
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High energy foods: Fruit and Vegetables: -¢-
Apples
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Bananas
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Apricots
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Berries
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Cherries
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Dates
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Figs
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Grapefruit
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Grapes
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Melons
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Nectarines
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Oranges
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Peaches
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Pears
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Pineapples
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Plums
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Tangerines
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Kiwi
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Lychee
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Mango
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Papaya
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Cucumber
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Peppers
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Avocado (In moderation)
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Tomatoes
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Artichokes
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Asparagus
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Bok choy
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Broccoli
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Brussels sprouts
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Cabbage
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Carrots
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Cauliflower
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Celery
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Chard
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Corn
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Eggplant
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Garlic
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Green beans
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Kale
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Lettuce
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Lima beans
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Mushrooms
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Onions
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Parsnips
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Peas
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Potatoes
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Radishes
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Shallots
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Snow peas
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Sprouts
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Squash
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Watercress
Nuts and Seeds: Always eat seeds and nuts raw, otherwise they will ferment in your stomach. -¢,-
Almonds
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Cashews
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Sesame
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Sunflower
Grains: -¢,-
Barley
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Cracked wheat
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Millet
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Cereals
Legumes: -¢,-
Adukibeans
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Black-eyedbeans
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Great northernbeans
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Kidneybeans
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Lentils
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Limabeans
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Mungbeans
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Navybeans
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Pintobeans
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Split peas
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Key Number Five: Dairy, the Great Myth It's my opinion that one of the biggest blocks to healthy weight and healthy living is the consumption of dairy products. Health authorities in some countries recommend various quantities of dairy to promote health, so it follows that these countries would experience a greater level of health. Yet the United States, where the greatest amount of dairy is consumed in the world, leads the world in degenerative diseases. Cows don't drink cow's milk. No other animal on the planet consumes milk from another animal. No other animal on the planet consumes any milk once they have matured, unless they are domesticated. Calves drink cow's milk because it was designed for them as they grow. Once they're weaned they stop. Humans never get weaned.They go from mother's milk to another animal's milk. Have you ever seen a giraffe nursing an adult rhino? Have you ever seen a dog nursing an adult cat? Have you ever seen a human nursing an adult cow? Of course not. Because these animals don't drink milk once they are weaned. Human milk was designed for humans. The chemical composition of cow's milk is different. To break down milk you need rennin and lactase. These chemicals are mostly gone by the time we reach the age of three. Casein is an element found in all milk and in cow's milk it exists in concentrations that are 300 times greater than human milk. It coagulates in the stomach and forms difficult-to-digest curds. These curds are man ageable in the four-stomach digestive system of the cal£ For humans, with one stomach, we must expend a huge amount of energy to deal with this digestive burden. What about calcium, you say? Surely, if we don't drink milk we' ll get brittle bones? Once of the main functions of calcium is to neutralise acid in the body. If you have a high acid ... read non - natural foods ... diet your system is constantly using its calcium supplies to neutralise the acid.They get plenty of calcium but have to keep using it.
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You can get all the calcium you need from eating raw nuts and plenty of the natural foods listed on the previous page. If you are unsure of this information then go hunting for your own evidence. Don't take our word for it... do the research and then decide for yourself. Better still, spend just 30 days dairy-free and meat free and notice the change in your body. At first you might notice your nails getting brittle and your stomach bloating. This is a normal part of your system adjusting to what it isn't used to - healthy food. Persist, and after a couple of weeks at the most you will feel more energised and relaxed than you ever have. What three commitments are you prepared to make after reading these keys? How will they benefit your life and your health?
The Easy Model for Extraordinary Health -¢-
Exercise five times a week
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Push yourself for seventy-five percent of the exercise
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Breathe deeply often, even when not exercising
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If you can't get all your exercise in one hit, divide it into smaller manageable amounts of time
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Not doing exercise once is not a sign of failure, simply refocus on your goal
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Do muscle resistance work like half push ups, yoga, tricep dips and crunches to build bone mass
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Drink more water than you think you need, all the time
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Eat fresh and raw fruit and vegetables every day
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If you're used to eating a lot of junk food, like fried food and canned food, sacrifice one piece of junk food per meal
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Fill yourself up on healthy choices and make the junk choices what you nibble on - never use the junk food to fill you up
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Avoid fried foods because they starve your blood of oxygen, which slows the blood cells down, which clogs up your system Avoid milk for the first thirty days, and then see if you still want it. Expect your body to expel toxins as it adjusts to the lack of mucus in its system Avoid bread for the first thirty days to give your body a rest. Fill up instead on brown rice and dark vegetables like broccoli and spinach Snack on raw nuts, not salted or roasted, as they will ferment in your body Drink more water (if you drink alcohol) than you could possibly think you need Cut back on how much alcohol you drink Empty your cupboards of the junk and replace them with healthy choices If you slip up and eat junk, just refocus on what you want to achieve and on what you have already achieved
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When you plateau, it's normal. Persist, and never let yourself go hungry
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Graze on healthy choices instead of chocolate
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Reward yourself for healthy eating with a walk in the sun or dancing to a favourite song, rather than some favoured junk food choice Cut back on caffeine drinks, including coffee and soda drinks Eat comfortable amounts of food, rather than overeating; you'll feel more energy
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Use quality oils like virgin olive, flax seed and primrose
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Never eat when you are stressed or depressed. Go for a walk instead
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Cut back on meat (if you eat it) for the first thirty days and then see if you want to go back to it. Next time you eat red meat smell the back of your hand. You can smell the meat through your pores
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Focus on vegetables and fruits for breakfast rather than cereals
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Avoid butter and margarine
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Aim to eat twenty different types of food per day
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What I now commit to for my own health and vitality
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What I no longer indulge in (For example, adrenaline rushes, animal fat in excess)
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What I now have in moderation
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What I now have more of as often as I can:
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ChapterX The YOUR SUCCESS Keys to Extraordinary Relationships
Relationships and ... I place health as our number one area to master ahead of all others. After health I would place our relationships - with ourselves and with others. After all, not many people value creating change and experiencing joy as a totally solo process. Our most valued emotion is connection, ahead of success and achieve ment. We want to belong. We want to be loved.There is no greater source of joy and fulfillment, and of pain, than human relationships. Because of the intensity of our feelings from relationships they are also our greatest source of fear - fear that we aren't enough, that we won't be loved or that we don't belong. This section is about taking your experience of friendships and love to the next level. .. to Level I, where you experience love no matter what is happening in your life.
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How Not to Communicate: There are some clearly identified ways to not communicate. Here are some examples of what to avoid. 1.
Hogging the limelight. They rarely pause for breath, they talk
over you, they are not in the least interested in what anyone else has to say.They provide no room for interaction, because it is there show. It is all about them. 2.
The interrupter. You're right in the middle of speaking and they talk over you. You might want to share something of importance, but their version of your story or one like it is far more important. Talking over someone is the same as saying that you don't care what they think ... they are simply there to allow you to speak.
3.
Jargon. They're so into what they do and how great it is that
they hit you with all the tiny intricacies of it.They want to impress you with their knowledge and all they do is bore you and everyone else to tears. People are polite... they will act interested ... but they won't become your friend.
How to Communicate: 1.
Listen. Nothing is as valuable as the ability to listen to someÂ
one tell you their story. If you're too busy thinking about how you are going to respond, you're not listening. Slow down, calm your thoughts, concentrate on what they are saying. When you do speak, respond to what was said with a ques tion about that topic. For example, "So you think that's how we should do this?" or "You sound like you really love doing that ..."
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Create space for the other person to speak. Your sense of significance can handle being silent and interested. You will attract people when you do this, especially if you do it in a way that is ... 2.
Non-judgmental. When we connect with someone we both risk feeling one of our three fears. We fear not being enough, not belonging and not being loved.The person speaking with you is feeling this, so make it easy for them ... don't judge. Allow them to air their quirky-ness and opinions and be interested. If you notice your mind wondering to judgmental thoughts, bring them back to thoughts of compassion and tolerance. If you do this you will be a people magnet. Nothing is more attractive than tolerance.
3.
Take criticism. Nobody likes it yet it is a fact of life. Instead of responding with defensiveness, simply ask for clarity about what the person is saying, and thank them. Nothing else. Getting caught up in the injustice of their comments is pointless ... it is only an opinion. It has no weight in your life unless you allow to.
4.
Maintain eye contact. People who avoid eye contact are perceived as being less trust-worthy. Make sure you look at the person you are connecting with at least as often as they look at you. If you feel uncomfortable at first, persist. People appreciate the contact. Keep your gaze relaxed rather than fixed and remember to blink.
5.
Match body language. When you talk with someone, match most of their body language, including how they rest their arms and how they sit in the chair. Don't mimic every gesture, just enough so that they feel comfortable with you. "People are attracted to people they like and people who they want to be like:'
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6.
Smile. Facial expressions reveal plenty about someone. If you want to attract positive people then you need to present your self the same way. Match their smile.
What Goes Wrong Getting The problem is that many people think that relationships are great if they get what they want from them, rather than what they can give. They measure success in relationships based on their receipt of affirmation of themselves. They feel loved when someone is loving them, rather than when they are giving love. The fact is, we cannot experience the love of another. It is impossible to feel the love of another. We can experience someone's acts of love, but can only feel our own feelings. Love Junkies If we think that this is what love is, we can never feel that it is enough. Because we rely on others to affirm and love us, we need constant reassur ance that we are loved. All this is doing is relieving our fear of not being loved. It's fear management, not love. I can remember being in a relationship for four years that I thought was love. The poor guy had to reassure me and pay attention to me for me to feel loved, but it wasn't love I was feeling when he paid me attention and listened to me, it was relief from fear that I might not be good enough to receive his love. I experienced this constant attention as love, but when I finally expe rienced real love - love that was based on what I can give - I realised all I had lived was a relationship based on anxiety. After a while I was very tired. So was he. No matter what he did it wasn't enough. He'd reassure me with an act of love, and I'd feel relief for
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a time, then the gnawing, aching void would be back and I'd be looking for my next fix. I was a love junkie. When he finally tired of the pattern of feeding the ever-hungry ad dict he fell into bed with someone who didn't demand twenty-four hour maintenance. I didn't blame him. I was tired of myself too. It took me another five years to dig myself out of that hole. How did I do that? I realised that no one else could make me happy. No one was responsible for my feeling love. It was all up to me. My gift in this was my husband.When I'd feel the old feeling of need start aching at me I'd start to demand attention from John. He'd let me know that he wasn't going to buy into that crap. No fix. Cold turkey cure of the love addiction. It took about five times of me wailing for attention and John telling me to give it up that I was finally cured. Curing myself wasn't pain-free - I'd got used to experiencing love that way and my entire nervous system went into shock without it. I can remember my husband saying no to the demands and me going into the backyard and jumping up and down like a maniac with frustration. The second time I did this I started to get it. Ifl wanted to experience real love, and not the counterfeit version I'd been settling for, I'd have to accept the gift John was giving me and stop asking for the fix. Now I don't know how to do the love junkie thing. It's no longer part of my neurology. That tells me that changing the pattern of feeding the fear is possible. If you experience this addiction but you don't have the partner who would tell you gently no, then do it for yourself The next time you go for reassurance ... about whether you can trust them, where they've been, what they're thinking, whether they love you ... resist. I get it. It's tough. It's almost a physical need. But resist. The first time is tough. By the second or third time you start getting that there is another level to love that doesn't involve constant reassurance. It is only when you let go of the need to feed the fear that you create the space for the next level of love to arrive.
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One-Eyed Love
One-eyed love is where we have no idea what our partner's values are. This leads to us being confused about their choices, and sometimes insecure. Trying to build a relationship with someone when we don't know their values and rules is like trying to communicate with a Frenchman and you speak Japanese. You try hard, but there is confusion and miscom munication. Why is values clarification important? Because most disagreements in relationships are because of a violation of our rules. For you to experience love, your rule is that your partner must stay home on a Friday night. For your partner to experience love, his partner must give him freedom to play with his friends after a long week. Rules violation. For you to experience health and vitality, you must exercise, even when you're on holidays. Your partner doesn't have health and vitality on their list of values, if they're aware of them. For you to experience honesty, you must tell your partner everything about your past, and they must do the same. They're rules for honesty exclude talking about old relationships. Rules violation. Are you seeing the patterns? People bounce through relationships, wondering why they argue and don't see eye to eye, not even being aware that the same arguments they have over and over are always about values and rules. What's a recurring argument you have experienced with someone? When you think about it, what rules were violated for you to react? Per haps you think of an argument you had and it seemed to be about money, which is a means value and not an end value, think about what your rules are around security and risk, compared to the other person. Perhaps you valued security ahead of fun, and they wanted to spend the savings on a holiday. Perhaps you valued adventure ahead of freedom, and wanted to spend the money on medium shares and they wanted to keep it as cash to keep their options open.
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Perhaps you experience love when someone saves their money for a rainy day and they experience love when they spend money on you. These violations of each other's rules can only be identified by iden足 tifying each other's values and rules. The antidote for this problem is take the time to learn what each of you value and what your rules need to be to experience love effortlessly. When John and I took the time to do this, we learnt that we had simi足 lar values but different rules for meeting those values. We took the time to align them and to talk about them and understand what each other valued. That doesn't mean we now never disagree, but now when we do we understand why. It removes a lot of the heat from the difference because we can appreciate the other's point of view. If you're in a relationship, take the time to discover your partner's values and the rules they need to experience these values. Talk about the differences and similarities between your values and these. If you're not in a relationship and want to be, take the time with who足 ever you are dating to learn what they value. If they value freedom ahead of everything else, they're unlikely to want to commit! Hostage Love Hostage love is when one of the couple wants to control everything that happens. It's a form of fear, and plays out as lack of trust. It's all about get足 ting the other person to comply as evidence of being loved. This wears out the hostage and the kidnapper. Eventually it either escalates or explodes, and either way no one wins. The kidnapper is playing out their fear of not being enough. What is the hostage playing out when they allow someone to control their every move? I'm going to guess every fear there is. Both players are getting their black void filled, but it's fleeting and unsatisfactory and often creates even greater desire to have the void filled. If you're the hostage taker, it's time to get honest with the fact that this isn't love, but fear. It's time to ask yourself: Is this as good as I want
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to it to get or am I ready for the real thing? Ifthe answer is yes, you want to experience the next level oflove, then spend every moment with your partner in appreciation and gratitude, knowing that you've spent enough time in fear. Ifyou're the hostage, ask yourselfwhat needs you're feeding by staying there. Is it because you feel, you're not enough without this constant drama in your life? Whatever it is, it's noise and b ___ , and it's not love. Is this as good as you want it to be? Or are you ready to experience a new level oflove? Ifthe answer is yes, it's time to experience another level oflove, then it's time to take 100% responsibility for what you are allow ing. Stop blaming your partner for how they treat you and own up for how you let them treat you. I'm not talking about physical abuse here, and if that is where you're at, it's time you got out. Staying is saying you deserve nothing better, and you know that isn't the case. You deserve better, right now. I'm talking about where you both are dancing the dance of fear, and you know it's time to get off the ride. YOUR SUCCESS Living is about living a Level I life, where you take 100% responsibility for the results that you get. In love, Level I Love is the same. Level I Love is about joy, respect, trust, communication, pas sion, compassion and a willingness to put the other person's needs ahead ofyour own. Level II Love is about getting by with a partner who meets some of your needs some of the time ... and you do the same to them. It's about knowing it could be better but the energy seems to have gone out of it. You're happy enough but it could be better. Level III Love is about putting up with what you have, even though you're unhappy. It's about settling for what you have, even if it's an absence of love, because you have forgotten what real love is, or no longer believe you deserve or can achieve it. Level III love is about "what's in it for me". Take a couple of moments to record here what type of love you are experiencing.
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Your Ultimate Vision for Extraordinary Love Write down everything that you would want to experience in your ideal relationship. What would you do? Who would they be? How would you act? What would you feel? How would it inspire? What would it look like? How would this relationship change your life? What is preventing you from experiencing this level of love? What have you valued ahead of this level of love? What rules have you chosen that prevent you experiencing it? How are you going to change this, right now?
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Chapter XI The YOUR SUCCESS Keys to Extraordinary Finances
Finance and ... Few things in life attract as much energy and intensity than money. Some people pride themselves on how much they can get and others pride them selves on how little they need. Within the two extremes there is every area of grey imaginable. For some people, owning money is a source of guilt. For others it's a source of significance and ego. For others it represents power, influence, freedom, control, safety, security or shame. There is no handy universal scale to tell us how much money is enough. Many people live their lives as if no matter what they earn, it still isn't enough. 'More is better' is the catch cry. The first step to managing your finances in a healthy way is to know where you stand with them. Guesswork isn't going to cut it. YOUR SUC CESS financial management is about awareness of the way things are, and then deciding if they need to change. If your strategy up until now has been to ignore the finer details of your finances, it's time to create a new strategy. The chances are you're spending all or more than all ofyour earnings and failing to save under the old strategy. There's also the probability that the situation won't change until you face the reality of the choices you're not wanting to make.
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Step One: Calculate your earnings and expenditure Monthly earnings Monthly expenditure Savings Mortgage/rent Rates/water Tax Electricity Phones Car registration Car expenses Food Going out Clothes Loans Other Total monthly expenditure Net
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Step Two: Calculate your net worth What is your net worth? Be honest with yourself here. Don't inflate the numbers under assets to feel better. You need to know exactly where you stand with your finances. Assets House/property Car/vehicle Investment properties Insurance policies Equities/shares Investment clubs Antiques Jewellery (Only 50% of receipts) Savings Furniture (Only 50% of receipts) Other valuables Total assets Other Total monthly expenditure Net
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Liabilities Mortgage Business loans Private loans Credit card debt Hire purchase Overdue bills Other debts/loans Total liabilities
[
Total NetWorth
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Step Three: Decide where you want the previous two sets of figures to be. If you are looking at sets of numbers that explain exactly why you are in debt or don't have the net worth you had told yourself you have, make the decision to change them. Make a commitment to yourself to act in a way that will assist you to bring about the change you want. This is not the time to wish, wait and hope. You must commit. The amount I am aiming to be earning by ... Date:
Amount$:
The amount of my net worth by ... Date:
Amount$:
Step Four: Stop the credit card madness It seems so easy when we want something and we buy it by putting it on the credit card. It's like "free" money... for a time. Then the pain sets in because we have to pay back the money. And the pain gets stacked in the form of interest payments if we find we can't repay the entire amount. And we feel that pain for months after the impulse to buy is gone. It makes no sense, yet it's a pattern repeated time and time again. If you are in their cycle, then it's time to take a stand. Stop using your credit cards now. It will means you will have to live within your means, and one of the keys to success with finances is as simple as spending less than you earn. Commit to only paying cash for the next three to six months as you obliterate your credit debt.
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Step Five: Spend less than you earn Spend less than you earn, and save the difference.This means you need to pay yourself first. Not with whatever might be left over, but first. At least ten percent of what you earn each month needs to go into savings and investments, so no matter what, you have a nest egg that is growing.
Step Six: Make the most of compounding Make the most of compounding. Whatever you earn in the form of interest payments, dividends, return on investments, bonuses... all earnings above your expected monthly amount ... gets rolled over into your investments. Compounding is a chance to create wealth by investing in other peo ple's talent. You must become an investor. When you invest money, don't spend it, and the growing amount experiences growth. For example, imagine having a bet with someone about who will win twenty games of tennis. You decide - for fun- to double the bet each game, starting with twenty cents for the first game. Sounds like not very much, until you do the maths, and then you might decide it's time to get really good at playing tennis! The first game is worth twenty cents, the second forty, third - eighty, fourth - $1.60, fifth - $3.20, sixth (and this still looks pretty cheap for a bet) - $6.40, seventh - $12.80, eighth - $25.60, ninth - $51.20, tenth - $102.40, eleventh - $204.80, twelfth - $409.60, thirteenth - $819.20, fourteenth (and now it's starting to count) - $1,638.40, :fifteenth - $3,276.80, sixteenth - $6,553.60, seventeenth game - $13,107.20, eighteenth - $26,215.40!, nineteenth - $52,430.80 ... How much is the last game of tennis worth? Over one hundred thousand dollars.
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In the early days the growth looks insignificant, but as you continue the growth explodes. Start out with $10.00 per d ay at 10% return and in vest it for forty years you will have over $1.8 million in your savings. This is the power of compounding. The secret is, no matter when you're starting or what the amount, you must get started now.
If you put $100.00 a month away at around 15% return, they will have $110,000.00 by the time your child is ready for university. Start now!
Step Seven: Make the decision to be in control If you think money doesn't buy you happiness, you are right. All it can do is give us choices. Not everyone wants more choices, so not everyone will be happy having money. If you want choices, the one way to have these choices is to have the finances to act on them. To do this you need to make the decision to be in control of your finances, instead of hoping it will all work out. It isn't enough to wish and wait for a better tax system or old age pension system or a windfall. You must decide to drive your own bus of destiny. �
Start a savings plan
�
Save for a holiday
�
Keep to your monthly budget
�
Monitor your finances and look for new ways to invest and save
�
Spend within your means
How I will know I have made the decision to take control of my finances:
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Step Eight: Align your beliefs with those of people who have earned the amount of money you want to earn Whatever amount you want to earn and have as your net worth, some one out there has already achieved it. Find out where these people are - they are in clubs, wealth clubs, share clubs, women's networks, giving talks - and ask them how they did it. Keep asking questions. Be curious about how other people do it. The only thing separating you from someone who already has investments of over one million dollars, is they had a plan and then acted. There is nothing charming or inspirational about poverty. I perfected poverty in my twenties, earning less in a month that I now earn in one hour. Earning more money means I am now in control of my own finan cial destiny. The beliefs of people who earn the amount I am aiming to earn: The choices of people who have the net worth I aiming to achieve:
Step Nine: Separate needs from wants Your needs might be to own your own house, own a car, have a classic wardrobe, an annual holiday and give a certain amount to a charity. Your wants might include a plasma TV, an overseas holiday, an adven ture trip and the latest fashion shoes. Separate the two and know that the wants will wait. The more you hold off on fulfilling your wants the faster you will be able to pay yoursel£ When you indulge in the wants what you are really doing is p aying some one else rather than yoursel£ My commitments to myself and my financial future: (new beliefs, new attitudes, now financial strategies etc) COURAGE= DOUBT+ COMMITMENT+ACTION
In Closing
I trust you've enjoyed your journey through your life! Each chapter is aimed to serve you and assist you in taking your life to the next extraor dinary level. I believe we are here on Earth to be a Force for Good and to have fun! Regardless of the drama of our lives, we can still serve those around us - the choice is definitely ours. The most astonishing people have built their lives from adversity. In researching this book I came across countless stories of heroism, sacrifice and persistence. This book is dedicated to everyone who strives to achieve their life's purpose.
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