Your First Six Coaching Sessions Complete Manual by The Coaching Institute

YOUR FIRST SIX COACHING SESSIONS WITH YOUR NEW CLIENT COMPLETE MANUAL

WELCOME Your First Six Sessions With Your New Client! You are on your way to becoming a successful coach… Before I reveal how you can run your first six coaching sessions with your very first client, let me share with you some vital information to get you started... Your first coaching sessions will be much more successful if you… •

Review your Starter Kit

•

Review the manuals you were given at your Foundations of Coaching Success Intake Weekend with Joe Pane

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Act from a place of service...

Even though you may be nervous, you are still there for your client… •

Your client must be your first priority, no matter how you feel...

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Your client doesn’t know coaching, nor do they know how to change what’s not working, so anything you do to assist them is going to add value...

Your client… •

Doesn’t know coaching...

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Doesn’t know how to create the change they want...

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Is not predicting your next question...

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Is not thinking about what you’re doing, they are only thinking about themselves (as they should!)...

You… •

Don’t need to be an expert on them...

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Don’t need to be an expert on their challenge...

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Do need to use the system you have been given

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Need to focus on them, and not yourself...

Ideally… •

Bring a sense of curiosity and open mindedness

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Leave aside any judgement

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Be present to the client, both what’s said and what’s not said

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Be still in the pauses

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Acknowledge them trusting you

The first six sessions •

May be with a paying client, a pro bono client or a fellow student

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The idea is to practice

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It’s not about perfection, it’s about exploration

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The more you bring adventure and curiosity to the sessions, the more your client will do the same

The first six sessions •

These sessions guides are just that – guides

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You can use them, use them with the GROW Model, use parts of them with other coaching models, or simply have them there as reference material

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There is no right or wrong way to do this

Overview Discover Your Ideal Self Overcoming Fear Get a Fulfilling Life Orienting Your Life Around Your Values The Six Core Needs That Shape Your Life Launching Into Your Future

When you use these guides… •

Notice how your client opens up and enjoys discovering more about themselves

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Notice where you tend to focus and stay curious about both where the client wants to go and where you want to take them – both are valid

How to use these guides… •

Read the questions before the coaching session

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Be familiar with the material

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Coach yourself using the material

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Don’t get hung up on memorising it all, it’s not about that

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Have fun with the client exploring who they are and how they see themselves

Your next steps… •

Read the material in prep for your first session

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Review the questions you may want to ask

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Be ready for your client to take you somewhere else!

SESSION #1 DISCOVER YOUR IDEAL SELF

Overview Discover Your Ideal Self Overcoming Fear Get a Fulfilling Life Orienting Your Life Around Your Values The Six Core Needs That Shape Your Life Launching Into Your Future

We’re going to focus on… Discovering your ideal self Introduction •

Each of us has an ‘ideal’ self that we would like to be

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Most of your clients will never have thought about what their ideal self would be

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Most of your clients don’t know how to identify who that is, or how to achieve their ideal self

Your client… •

Your client’s life is made up of moment to moment decisions and experiences

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They feel ‘life is...’ based on these decisions and experiences

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They don’t tend to create decisions or experiences ‘consciously – as in, ‘life happens to them

This session… •

Is about getting clear on what your client wants

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It’s way better than goal setting

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Most people think life is about ‘getting’ and ‘having’... ie ‘I’ll be happy when...’

•

But it’s really about moments of experience

This session… •

Will focus on... –

How they spend time with their family

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What adventures they have

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How they create their day

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How they experience their world

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And as a result of this... As they look at what they are experiencing... Asking themselves ... ‘Is this my Ideal Day?’

Your client has two versions of themselves… •

They have their surface self –

•

The self that goes about living day to day without questions their experiences

They have their ‘core’ self –

This is the self that wants to break free and live a fulfilling life, filled with meaningful experiences

The questions to ask your client… •

...are designed to get your client back to their ‘core’ self where life has meaning because they have meaningful experiences

•

You start out by explaining what you mean by ‘Ideal Average Day’ – the day, that if you were to live it every day, would always be healthy for you, sustainable, and you’d love to experience...

This is not… •

...the opportunity to brainstorm a lifetime of holidays on the beach, drinking and watching sunsets – not only is this not sustainable, it’s boring, and can be harmful, not healthy

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It’s what they would want to experience every day of their AVERAGE days...

The questions… •

If you were living your Ideal Average Day every day...

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Where would you live?

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What would your house look like?

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What would you have for breakfast?

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What’s the view like?

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What’s the conversation?

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Who are you with?

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What does the mundane stuff look like?

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What would you spend the first half of your day doing?

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What would you do for lunch? What do you eat? Who do you eat with? What do you discuss?

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Who are your friends?

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What do you do all day?

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What do you talk about?

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Who are your clients? What do you discuss with them? What do they value?

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What do you have for dinner?

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What do you do for personal fulfilment?

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What life purpose are your striving towards?

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What legacy will you leave?

Remember… •

The answer can’t be ‘on the beach’ – this is not sustainable for a lifetime and is not describing their ideal AVERAGE day

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Avoiding responsibility for life through extending breaks and holidays is not healthy

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Once the holiday is done... What then?

The ideal is for you to have done this exercise for yourself in detail before you share it with your first client... If you do this exercise, you will take between 12 months and five years to achieve it... Maybe even longer... You can’t be put off because it’s not ‘instant’ If you do this exercise, you will take between 12 months and five years to achieve it... Maybe even longer... You can’t be put off because it’s not ‘instant’

SESSION #2 OVERCOMING FEAR

We all have some things in common Introduction… •

We are all doing the best we can with the resources available to us

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We are all worried about whether we are good enough

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When we come together we realise we share these characteristics Am I good enough? Will I be judged? Will I belong? Am I loved?

The question to ask is If you knew you could handle whatever life had to offer, what would you attempt or endeavour to do? The answer is… You would be unstoppable… If you didn’t have to ‘worry’… •

What would you do instead?

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Where would you focus instead?

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What would you think about instead?

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What would you start to do?

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What would you stop doing?

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What would you explore?

Coaching versus ‘why’… •

In coaching we don’t spend time working out why we are fearful

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In coaching we don’t spend time studying what’s wrong...

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We do the opposite and work out what to do instead...

Your clients… •

Tend to wait for the fear to go away

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Wait for courage to turn up

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Put off acting because of fear but have no strategy for getting rid of it, so are perpetually stuck

Your clients… •

Will come up with excuses – or ‘reasons’ for things staying stuck – –

It’s not the right time

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I’m too busy...

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My kids are...

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I have to...

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And then the years are gone and now they’re way to afraid to act

Here’s the deal… •

The more your client delays acting because of excuses and fear, the harder it becomes to do anything, until they even stop believing they can ever do it

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This can lead to ‘learned helplessness’ and even depression

The ONLY antidote… •

Fear cannot go away simply by willing it or waiting for it to fade

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We must face the task that we think causes the fear and do the thing

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Courage is ONLY needed when we do something... –

It’s not needed sitting on the couch watching TV waiting to feel brave; it’s needed only when we act

Fear - Courage “Fear is there when we think about our challenge and grows the more we think about it – what we get is what we focus on”

“Courage turns up when we act and magnifies the more we fo the think that was the challenge, until it stops being a challenge, and we’re ready for the next level of growth” Remember… •

The longer we think about the challenge instead of doing it, the worse the fear gets, until we think the fear is reality and the courage is not within us...

•

But if we act, and notice our courage, and do more actions, we start to develop a new reality where we perceive ourselves as courageous –

So which is true?

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Either one is true depending on the reality your client creates for themselves

Remember… •

AND... Fear is not always bad or to be avoided

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It’s a mistake to think that if we avoid anything that makes us fearful we’ll be happier – it actually leads to misery because there’s no growth, improvement or learning when we avoid all fear

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It depends on how we perceive fear – you want your client to associate ‘butterflies’ with learning and growth – you want your client to link that feeling of uncertainty with possibility and potential

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The ideal is for your client to feel excited when they’re stretched!

Start with language… •

Your language becomes your experience

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Your experience is determined by your language

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Change your language and you change your perception of your experience

The questions… I can’t…

I won’t

I should…

I could

It’s a problem…

It’s an opportunity

I hope…

I wonder

I wish…

I wonder

What if…

Maybe

The ‘Wheel of fear’

•

This comes from Rhonda Britten’s Fearless Living’ which I recommend you read

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Your client could be stuck in the wheel of fear – –

Something happens to trigger the fear that they’re not good enough

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They want to avoid doing the thing that would trigger this fear

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They run away from the thing they think will cause them to have to face the fear

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And this ensures the fear comes true – for example, they’re afraid to go for the promotion, so they avoid it, and thus don’t get the job, and thus confirm their fear that they’re not good enough

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And then they generalise it so that they start to think they’re not good enough for anything

The consequence… •

The client’s world begins to shrink and they do less and less

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Then something to numb the pain – too much TV, hiding, not exercising, eating...

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And then feel bad because of THAT behaviour and that reinforces the wheel of fear

Fear busting exercise •

Check in with your client by sharing – –

Symptoms that will tell you you’re on the wheel of fear...

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constant impatience, desire for instant answers for instant relief from the tension of not knowing

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Ongoing exhaustion where everything seems too much effort

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Racing around but nothing gets done

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Self-righteousness where everyone else has the problem

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You’re under appreciated

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You’re constantly misunderstood and people keep taking you the wrong way

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Paranoia that you never get enough support

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Numbness in your feelings and thoughts and you deny anything is wrong

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Guilt and shame – everything is your fault

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Out of control

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Wasting time

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Easily overwhelmed and bogged down

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You feel singled out for getting it wrong and no one understands how hard it is for you

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You believe you’re alone feeling that way and there’s nothing that can be done by you

Summary of fear emotions – ask your client which they relate to… •

Anger

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Impatience

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Exhaustion

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Self-righteousness

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Misunderstood

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Paranoid

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Paralysed

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Shame

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Guilt

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Defeated

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Out of control

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Confused

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Overwhelmed

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Victimised

Ask your client to study the following list… •

Selfish

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Stupid

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Weak

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Incompetent

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Ordinary

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A loser

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A fake

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Lazy

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Invisible

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Rejected

Now ask them… •

Pick the word from the list that gives you the most intense reaction when you put it in the following sentence...

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“If someone I love, respect and admire was to think I was............, I’d be devastated.” –

When you know what you’re most afraid of, you’re better prepared to create a proactive choice and response, rather than a knee jerk reaction

Now share… •

People pleaser

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Isolate ourselves

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Blame others

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Compromise

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Shop

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Negative/sceptical

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Sleep too much

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Take it personally

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Over apologise

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Be manipulative

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Online all hours

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When we are in fear or want to avoid fear, we have any number of responses...

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Give up

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Drugs

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Put yourself down

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Beat yourself up verbally

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Get in first by hurting someone

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Be irresponsible

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Perfectionist

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Over complaining

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Endless day dreaming

Now ask your client to fill in the following… •

When I want to avoid the thought that I am ............................, I do the following... –

Share that the important thing to know is that they masquerade their problems and is their way of avoiding their worst fear about themselves

Now ask them… •

...describe to themselves what would be possible if they were free of their wheel of fear in terms of...

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Relationships

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Career

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Finances

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Health and well being

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Social life

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Family

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Spirituality

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Contribution to others

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Emotional development

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Your home

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Your creativity

Now ask them to… •

...work out how they can respond instead of the negative ways – what will they do instead?

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And how will THAT impact each of area of their life?

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Then ask the client how they can include the new behaviours into their everyday life and journal their progress...

Your client will experience results within days if they do this each day with conscious awareness... Your willingness to normalise their fear and be casual about their change will assist – act as if you knew they would and would have been surprised by anything less ...

SESSION #3 SEEING THE BIGGER PICTURE

This could become several coaching sessions… Introduction… •

We are all doing the best we can with the resources available to us

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We are all worried about whether we are good enough

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Living our full potential means firstly having self-awareness...

We must help our clients become aware of… Are they at cause? Do they take 100% responsibility for their results? Do they say what they mean and mean what they say? Do they risk making mistakes or only want to get it ‘right’?

The questions you’re about to ask are designed… To have your client get rid of their excuses, face where they need to grow and become aware of where they can improve… Quiz questions to ask your client… (1) •

I take full responsibility for what happens to me in my life

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I know I always have a choice

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I have a positive attitude towards life

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Where appropriate I am willing to take risks

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I am honest and truthful with myself

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I don’t lie nor am I deceptive in my dealings with others

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I never do something because I feel I should or ought to

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I believe that my life can change as a I change my attitudes and beliefs

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I’m courageous and have plenty of inner strength

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I have a clear sense of who I am and what I believe in

Quiz questions to ask your client… (2) •

I hold myself accountable and keep my word 99% of the time

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I’m able to sit back when necessary and see the bigger picture of my life

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I realise I’m only human and accept my weaknesses as well as my strengths

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I open myself up to new opportunities and am ready for the unexpected

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I’m willing and able to trust my own intuition

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I don’t undermine my own worth by comparing myself to others

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I’m willing to learn from the lessons of the past

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I don’t give up just because of a setback

Quiz questions to ask your client… (3) •

The actions I take demonstrate my commitment and this is obvious to those around me

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I am trusted by others

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I mean what I say and say what I mean

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I can always be counted on to follow through and to meet my agreements, even if it’s inconvenient to me

* Adapted from “Transform Your Life” by Carole Gaskell p29 What you now do… •

Discuss these questions and ideas with your client

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Discuss with them what it would mean to them if they were answer ‘yes’ for all the answers, or at least 90% of them...

Questions to ask you clients… •

What would it mean if you had this in your life?

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What would it take to have these qualities in you?

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What would need to change?

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What would you need to give up?

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What would you have to stop tolerating?

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What are you tolerating?

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What excuses do you to justify not being fully responsible?

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What would it take for the excuse to stop?

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If you never spoke about the reasons you can’t, what would you talk about instead?

What else you can do… •

Explain ‘at cause’

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Explain 100% responsibility for our results and non-results

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Explain about focus equalling results

Your ability and willingness to live at cause and to take 100% responsibility for your results and non-results will assist with this

SESSION #4 BECOMING SELFISH Often misunderstood… Introduction •

A word that can bring up some interesting ‘stuff’

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Is your client governed by what others want and expect of them?

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Is your client a prisoner to outside expectations?

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Where does your client’s own dreams, desires, needs and wants fit?

The question to ask is… Who runs your life? The ideal answer… Me. Most people… •

Want to be liked

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Worry that if they don’t ‘go along’ they won’t belong

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Sacrifice, unconsciously, their own hopes and dreams to keep others placated

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Don’t know how to say ‘no’ to others and ‘yes’ to themselves

There’s a difference between being selfish and needy… •

Selfish – you put your needs first

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Needy – you expect others to do the same thing and give you what you need – that’s a ‘black hole’ that can’t be filled by others –

NEEDS are what is required to be yourself, fully at your best, and it’s up to you to meet these needs

Your client will have made progress when they… •

...put themselves first

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...attract others who are comfortable with a strong person

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...need less from others

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...do the ‘thing’ they’ve dreamed of that they’ve been putting off

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...feel more independent and like it

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...are less reliant on what others think of them

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...become more generous with others as they have more to give

Coaching: Discuss the following… •

For you to grow you need to be selfish – you need to be willing to take care of your needs and to prioritise them – as in, put them in your diary, set aside the time, focus on them, nurture them and care about them

Coaching: Discuss the following… •

What will it take for you to pay attention to the call of your heart rather than pay attention to what your tribe wants of you?

•

Do you have a vision of you that is greater than what your tribe sees you as?

Coaching: Discuss the following… •

Can you accept that it’s reasonable to put your needs first?

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What is something you could say ‘yes’ to that would make YOU happy?

•

What if you didn’t mind not ‘keeping the peace’?

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What if you were okay with a little ‘rocking the boat’?

Coaching: Discuss the following… •

How much of you is spent playing the role of ‘eager to please’?

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Can we give you one month of you first? –

This doesn’t mean ignoring others, being rude, being unnecessarily blunt or shutting people out

You the coach need to know… •

People who put themselves last are seen as fake and overly needy

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It’s difficult to be seen as authentic if you are a martyr

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Not being honest about what you want can come across as having a hidden agenda

You the coach need to know… •

By claiming what you want you start on the path to having a life of meaning

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Many people are lost, and lack meaning in their lives and are confused about their purpose –

They’re experts at fitting in, but not at claiming their own special moments

You the coach need to know… •

People who know what they want and have invested in pursuing this have more to give to others

•

Pursuing a dream builds self-esteem, courage and compassion because you learn it takes a lot of commitment

You the coach need to know… •

Get clear on who your client spends their time with – –

Is it people who expect them to stay the same and never change or grow?

–

Is it people who celebrate or denigrate their successes?

–

Is it people who pursue dreams or are ‘dream snatchers’?

You the coach need to know… •

Selfishness is not getting your way in everything or ignoring the needs of others –

It’s daring to pursue your passions, interests, wants and needs, and sometimes actually doing something for you before you do something for someone else

Help the client with language… •

Instead of saying ‘yes’ because you don’t want to say ‘no’, say – ‘Can I get back to you?’ and give yourself some space to consider the request calmly

•

Instead of saying ‘yes’ say ‘I will, but first I want to...’ and put your own desires first (gasp!)

This will take a couple of months to see results and is linked to your first session where you explored their Ideal Average Day – how well they are doing with the outcomes of that first session will impact this session

SESSION #5 DEVELOPING YOUR GENEROSITY One of my favourites… Introduction… •

When you add value because you enjoy it, people are naturally attracted to you

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It’s a mature soul that gives generously because it feels great

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If someone gives, and feels depleted, they did it to ‘get’ something in return

Introduction… •

Aim to go beyond the other person’s expectations

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Give without thought of what will come back – do it because it feels great, nothing else

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Don’t seduce, or manipulate – ‘I did this, so you...’ No one owes you anything

The question to ask is… Who do you think admires you… How to know your client is making progress in this… •

They have lots of new ideas

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They feel energised

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They get joy when they give

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They don’t focus on how it’s received or if it’s appreciated

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They don’t take it for granted when someone does something for them

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They are more sensitive to the needs of others

Discuss the following with your client… •

What do the people close to you value?

•

How do you know this?

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What gives you joy? Is it intellectual pursuits? Creative pursuits?

•

What about your passions would others want to know about – as long as they share the passion?

Discuss with your client… •

Where are others providing value to you? ie acts of kindness, going out of their way for you, taking care of things for you, volunteering for things that take time, being kind when you’re not being kind...

•

Are you unreasonable about what you expect of others? Do you get dramatic if others don’t pay attention to your ‘needs’?

•

If no one is paying you attention, how do you feel?

Discuss with your client… •

Do you give to others to ‘get something at some time?

•

Do you NOT do something for someone because they didn’t do something for you?

•

Do you engage in silent payback – where the other person has no idea they crossed you?

Discuss with your client… •

Do others have to acknowledge your value? So if you are spiritual, do others have to know this and even agree with it for you to feel useful? – this is hostage taking

Discuss with your client… •

Be okay with giving without the need for it to be appreciated, validated, noticed or mentioned

•

Provide value to others to improve their lives, not your own

•

Give when people aren’t watching and don’t tell anyone

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Don’t draw attention to what you give

This can raise fears of not being valued and not being enough so be mindful of this and allow the client room to explore what comes up for them...

SESSION #6 EMBRACING UNCERTAINTY Really Important… Introduction… •

Many people fall short of dreams and goals – or don’t even attempt them – because they would rather stay comfortable with their ‘comfort zone’

•

You may observe someone who – –

Shuts down

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Withdraws

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Says it’s not important any more

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Gives up

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Stays in a ‘rut’

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Criticises people who have a go

Introduction.. •

It’s important to stretch yourself out of your comfort zone – to have a go where success is not guaranteed – and to be okay when things don’t work out

•

If you need everything to be perfect, you can’t coach this!

The question to ask is… What are you afraid will happen? How to know your client is making progress in this… •

They try new things

•

They sound excited when they see they unknown ahead of them

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They move towards adventure

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They are willing to take reasonable risks with their self esteem

•

They become stronger with setbacks

•

They can laugh at their own mistakes

Language and uncertainty… •

This has been partially covered in an earlier class but is vital to your client’s success –

•

Use ‘I wonder...’ instead of ‘I hope...’

•

The pressure from the future eases when we create a wondering world for ourselves

Get your client to consider… •

... The first step to take towards a goal and what it would mean to take it.

•

Apply the ‘I wonder...’ exercise to it and notice how it helps your client

•

Use this throughout your coaching with your client

•

Encourage them to be open to wondering about outcomes instead of needing to know what will happen – there are no certainties in life, except...

Discuss with your client… •

What’s the worst that could happen?

•

What are you avoiding?

•

What are you hiding from?

Discuss with your client… •

What will happen if you do?

•

What won’t happen if you do?

•

What will happen if you don’t?

•

What won’t happen if you don’t?

For the coach… •

When your client hits a stumbling block, see it as an opportunity to learn about resilience

•

Coaching isn’t about helping your client avoid problems – it’s about helping your client develop the resilience to handle problems when they occur

For the coach… •

Think about how to attach huge amounts of fun and adventure to trying out new things

•

If you did one new thing a day, what would your own attitude about exploration be?

•

You must lead the way with this

For the coach (advanced)… •

The best way to have your client enjoy exploring the unknown is for you to demonstrate how to do this in the session – –

You both reach a place of uncertainty in the coaching session, and don’t know what to do next...

–

You smile and say ‘I have no idea where to go from here... Shall we figure it out together?’

For the coach (advanced)… •

Then just explore possibilities with your client like it’s the most natural and enjoyable thing you could possibly do – demonstrating your comfort with the unknown is a great gift to give your client

Many believe that staying stuck in a rut causes loss of self-esteem – it’s vital that you tackle new challenges often so you’re comfortable with the new

Your priority

... First and foremost, is always to give value to the client...

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SHARON PEARSON YOUR FIRST SIX COACHING SESSIONS WITH YOUR NEW CLIENT MANUAL Ultimate Coach Edition 1 | Version 1 | MAY 2017 Published by Global Success Institute Copyright 2017 © Global Success Institute All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical or electronic, including photocopying and recording, or by information storage and retrieval system without permission in writing from the publisher. In some instances, people or companies portrayed in this book are illustrative examples based on the author’s experiences, but they are not intended to represent a particular person or organisation.

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