WORDS FROM PRIDE

words FROM WENATCHEE PRIDE

By Skylar Hansford, board member of Wenatchee Pride.

We live in strange times. It seems like the world in general feels more isolating than it ever has been before. And while this new world is a collective struggle in isolation that none of us have ever dealt with before, the struggle of feeling isolated is not a new one to the queer community. We love the stories of people “coming out” to the welcoming, open arms of their family and friends. But we also have all heard the stories that break our hearts. The stories of people struggling to “come out” out of fear. Sometimes waiting until later in their life, wrestling internally with themselves for years, to fi nally come out. Only to face the rejection that kept them in the closet for so long. Pride isn’t just a time to celebrate being “out”- It’s also a time to remember that some of our queer community still live in the shadows, afraid of being rejected. Afraid of being rejected by their friends and family because they decided to “come out“ and afraid of being rejected by the LGBTQ+ Community because they waited so long before coming out, that they aren’t really “part of“ the queer community. And while these struggles are not unique, it can still very much feel like you are the only one going through it. Especially in today’s world, with isolation around every corner, in diff erent forms. You are not alone, and sometimes it’s nice to be reminded that you are not alone in that.

We sat down with M., as we will be referring to them in this interview - to talk about this. Month after formally “coming out.”

How old are you?

M: 32

And what age did you offi cially/publicly “come out?”

M: 32

How old were you when you knew your sexual orientation was not “straight?”

M: Probably, like 26.

Before that was there doubt in your mind about your sexuality? Like, did you begin to have feelings that you denied or pushed aside because of your upbringing?

M: Yes.

What was the youngest you remember feeling like that?

M: Probably high school.

What was the main reason that you pushed those feelings down? Was it out of fear for yourself or out of fear of other people’s reactions?

M: Other people’s reactions.

Did you fear more of an emotional abandonment or a physical confrontation?

M: Both.

M. has lived in the Wenatchee Valley for a number of years - marrying his now exwife and starting a family (M. and his exwife share a child together). And while he has always taken part in local Pride events or fundraisers, this will be their fi rst Pride

Now that you have come out, what has been the thing about coming out that you’ve been most surprised by? Good or bad.

M: Bad would probably be like, loss of family. Good is learning to be okay with that loss.

Knowing what you know now about coming/being out - would you do anything diff erently? Like would you go back and tell yourself anything diff erent or do you feel like you needed to go through that journey?

M [fi ghting through tears]: I would go back and tell myself that it’s okay (to come out).

Talk to me a little bit about why you didn’t feel comfortable coming out to your family.

M: Probably just growing up in a family that was, uh, not supportive of the community and sexuality. Hearing the word “Faggot” used or hearing them talk negatively about the community- things like that.

I know my generation grew up around a generation that wasn’t as accepting [of the community] as it is now. Don’t get me wrong, it still needs a lot of work but even just like 10 years ago it was harder to come out I feel like, than it is today. But it can still be hard.

Was your family‘s reaction what you hoped it would be or what you feared it would be?

M. [choking up]: It wasn’t ALL negative but pretty much what I feared.

If your family was standing here right now- what do you want them to know, what would you want to say to them?

M: Just because I wasn’t ready to accept who I was meant to be, that didn’t make me a liar- you know? I’m still the same person. I think that’s been the hardest part.

Expand on the “liar” part.

M: Just hearing, you know, that somebody so close to you- thinking you kept something from them your whole life. When it had nothing to do with that, or them, it had everything to do with me. Accepting what I was and who I was and being ready to do that [come out].

Did the world around you - politically, the community you live in, the general world around you (outside your family) - contribute to you not wanting to come out? Or was it more about you and your family and their acceptance?

M: I think it’s the world around me because, you know, growing up I had friends whose parents kicked them out or— I grew up in a very conservative town in central California, where I watched kids get beat up for being gay. Or family disowning them or kicking them out. And they’re like 14 years old. I don’t know- just the fear of losing what you think at that time is all you have, your family. And the fear of losing that kind of scared me. But the reality of it is: if they can’t stand by you, they aren’t worth it.

What is something about coming out/ being out that brings you comfort?

M: I don’t even know honestly.

Do you feel like you’re accepted in the queer community?

M [laughs]: The community can be fucked up. That’s the truth. Defi ne “accepted” - am I attractive enough, am I skinny enough, am I worth enough in the community? People like to say they accept you and that they support you, but that’s not always how the community is, sadly. I think you just have to accept yourself. You’re

BY SKYLAR HANSFORD AND LINCOLN NERE

enough. And you make yourself enough. It doesn’t matter at this point whether you’re enough for somebody else - In the [queer] community, in your family, friends, any of that shit. It’s just being you and being proud.

Do you feel like the fact that you came out in your 30s had any bearing on how people accepted you? After being married to and having a kid with a woman? Or did that not play a factor?

M: I guess it just depends on who you ask. I’ve had some great support from people I thought would never support me. Then you think these people that are supposed to stand by you and love you no matter what - it’s not that they don’t love me, it’s just that they haven’t accepted it or can’t accept it, or they don’t understand.

Last question - in this community that you live in, The Wenatchee Valley, for the queer youth who may be reading this, whether they have come out or not- what do you want to tell them?

M: Be who you are. Love yourself. And don’t let anybody stop you from that- Like, if they aren’t willing to support you and love you for who you are, then they’re not worth your time. There’s so many things that defi ne “friends” and “family”- as long as you’re true to yourself and you love yourself, you’ll be okay! That’s been the hardest part of my journey is learning to love myself. And forgive myself for beating myself up for so long or for lying to myself...

Anything else you want to add?

M [begins laughing through tears]: No but if you need family, hit me up! Fuck that. There’s a million moms and dads out there - you don’t need anyone that doesn’t accept you!

Backpack

by Lincoln Nere, president of Wenatchee Pride

Emergency exit signs are faded, hanging above cracked bus seats.

The yellow limo, riding in fashion at thirteen years old.

My girlfriend laughs, seated on the aisle, looking behind her at the tinted car trailing us.

But as I turn, my arm goes to the back of the seat behind her head,

and the bus slams on its brakes.

My brother’s hand-me-down, fraying, blue backpack slides two seats ahead of me and

skids to a stop against the back of someone’s shoes.

Helen is walking towards me, yelling at the top of her lungs about sinning.

I don’t hear her words, I am focused on the copper Jesus.

Hanging from a cross around her neck,

shaking and swinging as she preaches the words of hell.

Her layered fi ngers are so close to my face, I can smell the vanilla-scented lotion.

As I stare into the face of heaven,

I wonder if he felt like this when he was nailed to wood in Golgotha.

Exposed, humiliated, raw, pissed off .

“switch your seat.”

My feet fi lled with concrete. My muscles fi lled with lead.

The First Brick stuff ed into every pocket of my clothes.

“fuck you.”

It wasn’t until I was standing on the side of state highway 39, the bus driving away, did I realize-

I forgot my backpack.

EXISTING.

By Lincoln Nere

I went into the book shop and I was handing a Pride Flag to the woman at the front desk because she had donated to Wenatchee Pride. As I was standing there and she said “hey our palm reader is in the back today.”

The palm reader is looking at my hands. The left hand represents the past and the right hand represents the present/future.

And he looks at my fingertips towards the end of our conversation he says “your fingerprints have changed, quite literally they’ve changed. And the arch of your fingers has changed.” I asked him “what are the finger tips?” and he said “lots of things, but it’s who you were and how your progress.”

And obviously it’s all introspective.

I was really lost for my whole life. But my progression? What I went through to get where I am, when all I was trying to do was to exist in my own identity?

What I guess I’m trying to say is - I just don’t understand how anyone can look at me and try to take away the right to exist as myself when my hands, the two things I use every single day...to eat and help and clean and love.

Play cards, take care of my cats, work hard at my job, and I come home and I kiss my partner, take a shower, and eat dinner and go to bed. I do what everyone else does. But my Right to healthcare, play sports, get married, adopt kids is questionable? It’s up for debate?

I don’t care what anyone says. There is nothing wrong about me, and there is nothing wrong about you. Wear the clothes, don’t wear the clothes, change your name, put your middle fingers up and tell the bus driver fuck you when she’s discriminating against you.

Stand up for your right to exist.

by ron evans WARNING: STRONG MATURE...AHEM, CONTENT AHEAD

Around 2014 there was a kooky story going viral. Even if you were too bashful to click on the links you likely caught the gist of the story simply from the headlines. “Woman Makes $30,000 A Month Writing Bigfoot Porn Fiction.” And for a while that was the exact life (and financial situation) for Virginia Wade. A pen name - one of many this writer has used over the years in various (and I do mean VARIOUS) genres of the written word. In fact Wade, under her many alter-egos, has written and published over 100 novels. Westerns, romance, historical dramas and...well. Just wait. terview and we reached out to the author expecting to never hear back. To be honest, we thought the story was likely bullshit. These titillating, filthy tales of Sasquatch in the throes of woodsy passion with some young attractive campers out on holiday surely were part of some sort of gag series put out by a group of beer swilling male writers that were rejected from the Bizarro Fiction world. Well, we were wrong. Not only is the woman behind these books real, she was a delight to chat with and she may just have the most refreshingly blue collar approach to writing that I have ever encountered. Below are some highlights of that chat. I was sitting on the couch one night - and at that time I was writing like four to five short stories a week and it just literally popped in my head. What if? What if a couple of girls go into the woods and they end up encountering Bigfoot? And what if he’s really, really horny and decides he’s going to kidnap them and you know, have his way with them? As soon as I thought that I was like, oh my God, I’ve got to write this because this is it. I had no idea it was going to even sell or anything. Just for my own personal, crazy satisfaction.

How are these books being published?

I’ve published them myself through Kindle Direct Publishing. And you can also publish them on Barnes and Noble and Smashwords and iTunes. Nowadays you don’t really even need a publisher, you can be your own publisher, which is absolutely fabulous.

My sales weren’t that super great around that time which was December of 2011. I was starting to get an audience but it wasn’t until I published the first three Moan For Bigfoot books that things started taking off. Almost as soon as I published... I don’t know if I can say the “c” word in the magazine…

You can say whatever you want. I think? I don’t know how things work.

Well, Cum For Bigfoot was the original title of the series. As soon as I published that, Nick Redfern, who writes for Penthouse Magazine and a couple of other periodicals - he’s a cryptozoologist or whatever they’re called. He wrote me an

email and he said, I read your short story and I’m gonna put it on my blog and you might get more sales from this. And I did, but it wasn’t like a massive explosion. It was just a bit more of a trickle and then like a week later there was a bigger trickle and it just started to snowball from there. Through 2012, I was pretty darn successful, but I didn’t really have a lot of media attention until after the Business Insider interview. And then everybody picked up on it. It got crazy for a while there.

So you changed the title to Moan For Bigfoot...did Amazon have anything to do with that?

Yes. They started to put an “adult-content” filter on about 60% of my stories, and that just decimated my sales. But they had been doing stuff even before that to erotica there. They’ve been systematically clamping down on erotica. And it’s gotten to the point where I can’t make money off of erotica anymore. I’ve actually moved on to another pen name. I’m really not even writing under the Virginia Wade name much anymore.

It’s strange because you can buy pictures with, you know, pussies in your face on Amazon if you want. You can get all sorts of sex toys and videos. And here they are cracking down on the written word and this stuff is just silly fiction. I know a lot of erotica writers and we all follow the rules. Any characters have to be 18 or older. No bestiality which...come on, Bigfoot is a mythological character to most people.

How dare you... But that’s an interesting thought, let’s say that next week we catch us a live bigfoot and now we know they are real, does that suddenly make your porn illegal by their standards?

Well, the original book that was free on Amazon, they blocked it just recently. I got the email saying that it’s against their content guidelines, but the thing is, it had been out since 2011. So I think my little bout of publicity kind of worked against me.

It’s censorship. And I’m an independent author. If I were traditionally published and I had Simon and Schuster backing me or something, I wouldn’t even have that problem. I could write underage sex, I could write a snuff book. I could write whatever I wanted and I would be fine. But because I’m an independent author I don’t have that security at all. So they can pretty much do whatever the heck they want to me and it’s really hurt the Virginia name. I do look at this as a business and I would like to continue to make money. So I moved on to a really safe genre that I knew they wouldn’t block and filter.

What genre is that?

Sweet romance stories, more mainstream.

Is that a little dry, pardon the pun, after writing something as wacky as bigfoot porn?

Well, I just love to write. So, for me, it’s always been about characters and about telling a story. Because if you read a lot of the bigfoot stuff, it ends up turning into romance. I start them off super raunchy and just disgusting and a little bit dark and creepy. But as it goes along, it morphs into this saga of having children and falling in love.

Have you ever written something but scrapped it because it was a bit too much even for Virginia Wade?

I usually finish a project once I start. But sometimes I don’t like how it turns out. Cum for Frankenstein. I hated the way that book turned out. I basically wrote it in one day. I had to write it because it was a part of an anthology and the deadline was approaching and that’s a terrible way to write. That story was pretty...rough. I think it’s been blocked so I don’t think it’s on Amazon anymore, either. That’s my least favorite story, I didn’t enjoy how that turned out. The main guy was just...there were no redeeming values. And what happened to those women was not nice. So I wasn’t proud of myself there.

Do you have a sense of your main demographic with the bigfoot porn books?

Mostly women. Some men of course, but yeah mostly women by far. When I first started with erotica I thought I was writing to men. And that’s why a lot of my earlier stories are so filthy - I thought that’s what you’re supposed to do with erotica.

Before 50 Shades of Gray hit really big, erotica was loaded with a bunch of short filthy stories. Then 50 Shades comes along and now all of a sudden it’s these big novels and there’s more than just sex, there’s a ton of plot and it’s basically just a romance novel. It’s just a teeny bit kinkier. So, erotica kind of got invaded by the romance people. It’s never been the same.

But now I’m writing mostly Christian romance books.

Fucking...what?

Yeah, and I can’t tell you the pen name that it’s under for obvious reasons. Those readers would be so offended and they would be absolutely disgusted with me. But the thing is, I started out in romance. So for me to go and write really chaste romance is not that big of a jump.

Sorry, it’s still blowing my mind that my dear, sweet religious mother could possibly read a book by the author of Cum For Bigfoot.

It’s possible. I’m not just stuck on one thing, thank God. Otherwise, I’d have no career.

This article was transcribed from episode 152 of Tales From The Spacepod podcast. Some minor rephrasing was made to better translate audio to print. C