THE FUNNY PAGES COMICS AND NOVELTIES

What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire? It’s a pain in the neck.

What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house? A grave problem. Why do vampires not want to become investment bankers? They hate stakeholders.

1) Bees. Lets fucking talk about em. I’m going to read you a few statements about bees. One is true, the other three I made up.

A) Certain types of honeybees can self-hibernate and wake up months, even years later

B) With immediate help from the queen, a honeybee can actually regrow their stinger

C) Bees can can be motivated to fly up to 10 miles round trip if the pollen collection is sweet enough

D) Bees are capable of doing basic math, and even understand the concept of zero

2) This was a reader submitted question AND answer selection by TJ Farrell! In 2019, an artist set up a solar powered installment that would perpetually do this. WHAT was this installment and WHERE was it installed?

A) An MP3 player and speakers in the Namib Desert, playing Africa by Toto

B) An LED light display that continually casts moving rainbow lights on a house directly across the street from the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas

C) A wall of LED screens in San Antonio, Texas, that continually displays footage of migrating Monarch Butterflies, to attract tourists, even when it is not Monarch migration season

D) A giant lit cross with a sculpture of Jesus on it, on a hill outside of Dakar, in the Republic of Senegal, which goes dark on Good Friday and lights up again on Easter morning

3) The electric lightbulb. One of the biggest inventions of all time... One of the following statements about the lightbulb is true, the rest I made the fuck up... Before Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb in 1879....

A) You had almost a 50% chance of having candles cause a house fire

B) The average person slept 10 hours a night

C) On an average night the stars in the sky were nearly 300% brighter to the human eye

D) Candle making nearly made whales extinct long before there was an endangered species list

4) Reese’s Pieces. One of these facts about Reese’s Pieces is true, the rest I made up.

A) They actually do not contain any chocolate

B) Their creation was entirely an accident

C) The original recipe called for lead

D) They were nearly discontinued before ET made them popular

5) We are going to wrap up weird triv, with a little fun fact about one of my favorite horror films of all time... Poltergeist. I learned something interesting about this movie recently. Guess which one of these is real:

A) The skeletons used in the infamous pool scene were real

B) The movie was LARGELY inspired by a true story of a town being moved atop a graveyard

C) They had planned and funded a whopping TEN sequels, but the deal would subsequently fall through

D) Speilberg had given Pope John Paul the 2nd a ing of before it

It’s spooky season you creeps and ghouls and I couldn’t be happier. This month is all about your fave candy to hand out at Halloween. Wrong answers only.

Aries - Raisins. Because you’re full of resentment toward people and children with joy in their lives.

Taurus - Candy corn. Because you’re traditional and nothing says Halloween like high-fructose corn syrup flavored wax.

Gemini - Potato chips. Because you forgot it was Halloween.

Cancer - King sized candy bars. Because you’re riddled with insecurity and just want the kids to think you’re cool. (Hint: they don’t.)

Leo - Apples (that you probably grew in your own yard). Because disappointing people is just what comes naturally to you.

Virgo - Toothpaste and floss. Because you like to suck the fun out of everything. Or maybe you’re just a dentist. (Or both.)

Libra - Dollar store toys. Because you’re too healthy for candy but too cheap to buy anything good.

Scorpio - Black Licorice. Because apparently you hate children.

Sagittarius - Circus peanuts. Because you’re a monster. (THEY’RE NOT EVEN PEANUT FLAVORED.)

Capricorn - Granola bar. Still sensible after all these years.

Aquarius - Candy cigarettes. Because you’re some kind of weird 1930’s villain.

Pisces - Popcorn ball. Because letting kids down isn’t enough. You’ve also got to feed their parents’ paranoia of razor blades being in goodies.