The Day I Hurt a Student

by STEPHEN O.CALIXTON

respect. He looked at me with an embarrassed smile and everything happened very quickly that I cannot control what was coming out of my mouth anymore. I just caught myself body-shaming him, saying, “Good thing, it didn’t happen to you, or the earth will shake a shake no one would survive.”

Just like the previous meetings, the class that day started with sharing on random topics and a series of good-vibed jokes cracked to cheer the bunch of millennials before proceeding to a boring review for the third grading exam. We first talk about the New Year and all stuffs everyone can think of until one by one jests and punch lines came in. My Grade 10 students were having a good time and of course resounding laughs until I realized that the next joke was already on me.

Atop what seemed like an uproar inside the classroom, one male student loudly ask me how my first driving fiasco went amid giggles. The day before my third ride to school using my secondhand motorbike I lost control of the throttle in an intersection and fell in an muddy trail leading to school, and that is what he was talking about. By the looks of it, my student was mocking me on my first-timer moment flop, but I tried to be my fun self anyway.

Sarcastically, I told him it was good and I want to experience it again. Maybe trying to get the attention of the entire class, he asked me the same question all over again, but I pretended not hearing him and tried to change the topic anyway. He acted like a broken tape on ceaseless rewind until his seatmate joined him in. They talked about my misfortune and laughed about it in front of my face not good.

At that moment, I could feel my face getting red. I lost my temper and the whole situation angered the hell out of me. But like what any teacher would do, I tried to control the rush of my emotion and explained why it happened.

I told him that it was common to a first-time driver, especially that I only learned it by reading a driving manual I downloaded from Google, watching videos in YouTube and doing a barely 15-minute practice with a cousin. I did the entire storytelling in shaky voice (My voice gets shaky only when I am nervous or when I am about to explode). With him still smiling after that, I reached my boiling point, and by that time, I was thinking of how to teach that student the value of respect. At least it went wrong.

I had him learned it the hard, wrong way. I singled him out. My ultimate goal that time shifted from good to evil. All I wanted was to hurt him to the core just like what he did to me when he disrespected me in front of his classmates.

Already showing my evidently furious self, I started by telling him that we are not friends. I am his teacher, so he should talk to me with utter

More wounding words came after the other. It rolled up to the point that I told him how bad he is in my class; that before he makes fun of me, he should first at least try to study harder so as to turn his 7’s into 8’s. Still not content of implicitly telling him he is stupid, I looked at him sharp into the eye and heartlessly uttered, “Gago!” I saw him with his eyes close to tears, so I sealed the drama by saying, “You know what, I am good at hurting people.” And then the eerie silence enveloped the room.

Amid the quiet, I pretended reading “Strawberries and Other Secrets,” but I was actually contemplating on what I did after that. From time to time, I took a glance at the unfortunate object of my outburst. I felt bad about myself, especially when I caught him secretly wiping his tears. I was hurt, not because he hurt me but because I hurt him so bad. Seeing him injured of what I’ve said crumpled my teacher heart. At that moment, I regretted what I did and hoped it never happened. My heart was telling me to approach him, wipe his tears and apologize, but my mind was saying it is not the best time to do so. So I stayed in my seat and internally cursed myself.

While in silence waiting for the clock to strike lunch break, I was thinking of one thing: despite the gravity of your reason, as a teacher, it is never an option to bully a student in front of his classmates. If being silent to show that you don’t like it is not possible, it is better to walk out than to utter words that could hurt someone. Our tongues can break anyone anytime at any moment. And it is the teacher’s tongue that can do a colossal damage. In my case, mine just obviously did.

In my almost two years of teaching, that is the first time I intentionally hurt a student. Though I have reasons, I know what I did was all wrong and I admit it. So that day, all I wanted was to treat the wound I made before it gets sorer and turn into a scar. I wanted to settle the misunderstanding before it affects my relationship with that student. When the bell rang, I allowed everyone to go except one. I let that certain student to stay for a while for a talk. I let him tell his side first while I intently listen. In the end, he acknowledged that what he did was wrong. Right after, I explained why his actions weren’t right and sincerely apologized for how I reacted toward the situation. I told him that I don’t mean all the painful words I said. I saw him smile a lightened smile and we concluded the chat with a handshake.

Note to teacher self: the next time I make my students’ eye tear, I’ll make sure it won’t be because I hurt them./TC