MIRROR 10.23.2015
Sticky Fingers|2
Crime and Punishment|3
Crimes of Dartmouth Past|4-5
TTLG: kleenex and cheez-its|6 Nora Masler/THE DARTMOUTH
2// MIRROR
Hallmark’s New Flicks
EDITORS’ NOTE
Just in Time for the Holiday Season Feature
As overeager Mirror writers during their freshman spring, Maddie and Maggie always showed up to the weekly story assignment meetings with several article pitches. Most of these were shut down. Here is an ode to the stories never written. 1.BLUE LIGHTS — For this article, we want a writer to do the blue light challenge. Is it possible? What is the best route to take? Also, we want to really explore the nature of blue lights. Why are they blue? When did they first appear? Has there actually been an increase in safety? 2. CJP (Shout out to our girl Mary Liza for pitching this)— If you go into the third stall in the hop bathroom there is graffiti that reads “I love CJP.” WHO IS CJP?!!! We want a thorough investigation. What is the chemical composition of the Sharpie used to write it? Have the janitors tried to get it off? When did it first appear? Do a search in the alumni database for alums with the initials CJP and contact them for interviews. (*Note: we have since discovered who CJP is…) 3. BUGS — What crawls through the grass on the green? Which bugs infiltrate our dorms? This article would be an in depth analysis of all of the insects on campus. Use vivid descriptions. We want this article to make you cringe. We want this article to go viral. Despite their hundreds of duds, Maddie and Maggie were able to successfully pitch and write some articles — campus unicorns, DDS Dates, the “UGArticle” and many more (Google us). This week, we asked writers to do the same, check out what they came up with. BON APPÉTIT! —Ol Mads and Lil Mags
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MIRROR R MIRROR EDITORS MADDIE BROWN MAGGIE SHIELDS EDITOR-IN-CHIEF KATIE McKAY
PUBLISHER JUSTIN LEVINE
B y Mary-liza hartong and Kate Hamilton
This time of year, television is filled with a colorful assortment of Halloweenthemed flicks. You’ve got love-lorn witches and pesky pumpkins, but what about the other holidays? Have no fear loyal viewers, for when they’re not airing “Golden Girls” (1985) reruns or broadcasting the Puppy Bowl, nobody brings you holiday-themed films like the good ol’ Hallmark Channel. From their masterpiece, “A Boyfriend for Christmas” (2004) to their magnum opus, “The Good Witch’s Destiny” (2013), this cinematic giant never fails to elicit a hearty laugh or a heartfelt hug. Despite the existence of so many classic Hallmark original movies, we decided there might be a few winners that have yet to make their way into the ranks of “My Boyfriends’ Dogs” (2014) and “Love’s Christmas Journey” (2011). So, here’s a look at what we came up with. Maybe by next holiday season you’ll be cuddling with your holiday honey and tuning into these new favorites. Fearless Frogs’ Fourth of July Little Dan and Big Tim are an unlikely pair of best friends who love nothing more than playing America’s favorite game. Their team, the Fearless Frogs, hasn’t lost a game this season. What could be better? Nothing. That is, until Mr. Moneysmoneymoney comes to town. He takes one look at the Frogs and offers them a deal— give up the field and make way for his latest Applebee’s franchise or die trying to save the field. These jumping rascals aren’t gonna give up that easily. Mr. Moneysmoneymoney might just learn that a little leap of faith goes a long way. Milky Schemer Easter Baby Jean Doofer is Scoopamoo County’s best cow milker, not to mention the prettiest. Her hands are insured for five million dollars by the state of Missouri. One day, all that changes, when an angry steer comes a’chargin’. Baby Jean wakes up with no memory of her past life. Who’s gonna milk the cows in time for Easter? Will Scoopamoo’s finest be able to bring back her memory in time for Jesus’ resurrection? In a roll-that-stone-away comedy, one family learns that looks and fast hands are no match for a sound mind.
TIFFANY ZHAI / THE DARTMOUTH SENIOR STAFF
Mary-Liza Hartong ’16 and Kate Hamilton ’16 are big fans of Hallmark holiday movies. Lizzy’s Labor Day Lesson Lizzy is a big city girl with pink bedazzled nails and an attitude to match. She’s never done laundry, much less handled actual cash money. She’s the princess of Manhattan, and boy does she know it. All of that comes crashing down when her father is killed in a fracking accident and she’s forced to go live with none other than her Aunt Penny Less. Can you say ‘yuck!’ Aunt Penny says kooky things like, “please” and “thank you” and runs a sanctuary for abandoned ferrets. Just when Lizzy thinks she’ll never get the hang of declawing small, angry creatures, she runs into her high school love, Luke McCute. Luke shows her that ferret declawing is in her blood just as much as his love for her is in his heart. Lizzy just may find that discovering your roots doesn’t mean you still can’t dye ’em blonde again. A Raw Bliss Valentines Veronica Donogood has everything a woman wants: a CEO position, red lipstick, sexual freedom, a sick apartment and a killer shoe collection. Well, everything except traditional gender roles! Her down south is practically the set of “The Goonies.” Every year since her hysterectomy, Ronnie has hosted a F--k Guys Valentine’s soiree. This year, things aren’t going according to plan.
All of her friends are getting married...ON VALENTINE’S DAY! Ronnie’s gotta get out of the city, and who knows who or what might be waiting for her on that abandoned pier. Will she say “yes” to that man at the all-night diner who dips his finger in her coffee cup seductively, or will Veronica spend yet another year in RAW BLISS? Master Calling Christmas “Get back here, you floozy!” Ebenezer Booze yells at his secretary. But does he mean it? Is he just projecting his insecurity about that huge genital wart onto the pristine body of his secretary, Mark, who just wants to get home to his family in time to drink some eggnog and share some Christmas cheer? As Booze dozes on his tiger skin rug, beer gut protruding into the nothingness that is human life, he meets with three ghosts who just might show him the true meaning of genital warts. Booze will see the past, present and future of his penis should he leave them untreated. Why, if only if he had told Belle to smack a wrapper on him, and if only he had been kinder to his nephew, a proctologist, he might not be sleeping in his office, alone and warty on the happiest day of the year. When he wakes, Booze might just realize that he should keep ointment in his heart all the days of the year.
EXECUTIVE EDITORS LUKE McCANN JESSICA AVITABILE
’16 at Canoe Club: “I knew this place was classy as soon as I saw the toilet paper.”
“Something funny someone said Foco worker after the Cabot ran out: “Of in course Collis they thatsend one me night.” on my—Drunk break when all the cheese is gone!” 17
’18: “Did you see that one ’19 with the ass that just would not quit? I don’t mean it was attractive, I mean she just refused to put it away.”
’18: “Honestly, the threesome I had was just a huge confidence booster.”
’18: “I feel like being unaffili“Something funny someated is a bit like being uncirEspanol mejor cuando cumcised. First people are one ’19: said“Hablo in Collis that one repulsed, then they are a little night.” estoy borracha.” —Drunk 17 intrigued.” Check out Overheards and Trending@Dartmouth on
An Eye for Innovation Profiles of Student Entrepreneurs profile
MIRROR //3
Trending D @ RTMOUTH
B y Karen hseuh
In a school as culturally and academically diverse as Dartmouth, there’s bound to be immeasurable amounts of creativity and innovation. Coupled with a plethora of resources and opportunities at our disposal, the College often gives students full reign in developing their thoughts and passions. Resources such as the Dartmouth Entrepreneurial Network, Thayer School of Engineering, the Center for Service and the Neukom Digital Arts, Leadership and Innovation Lab give students the workplace to innovate. The DEN Innovation Center and New Venture Incubator fuels not only the mind by offering a space completely open to creativity with its colorful furniture and whiteboard walls, but also the soul, offering unlimited snacks, drinks and most importantly, candy. The Neukom DALI Lab links computer science and graphic design students with partners in start-ups and throughout the community to foster ideas and implement them. From iPhone apps to biotech start-ups, ideas can be turned into reality in the blink of an eye. While there’s no guarantee to success, the path to it is paved by campus resources, supportive faculty, interesting events and a community of likeminded, passionate people. Some students, long before they receive a degree, have already tried their hand at becoming their own entrepreneur. Robert Sayegh ’18 “More than what meets the eye” is your first thought after meeting computer science and economics major Robert Sayegh ’18. While pong and sleeping seem to be his most obvious passions at first, his interest in computer science has motivated him in the field of entrepreneurship. He first taught himself how to code at 13 years old with simple HTML and PHP. While he had a long-time interest in coding, his official introduction to entrepreneurship was at last spring’s Hack Dartmouth event — the 24-hour hackathon hosted by the College. With the thought that wearable technology was the next generation, his group focused on the smart watch and its potential in terms of practicality and convenience. His team of three won first place with Swipr, a Pebble watch app that gave users the ability to keep track of their meal plan balance. While Sayegh started the app on Pebble watches, he plans to go further and include Apple watches and Android smartwatches. This term, he helped organize Hack Dartmouth II by reaching out to sponsor companies, fundraising and coordinating logistics. While coding is something he does at school, at home Sayegh loves to play with his two cats, Clifford and Mayflower. He’s also a fan of listening to house music and EDM in his free time. On campus, he works in the DALI Lab and is a part of DEN. Jayanth Batchu ’18 When people say that someone is going to cure cancer, they don’t generally mean it literally. For Jayanth Batchu ’18, the literal definition is a true possibility. With a fundamental goal of helping others, Batchu has always wanted to make an impact on the world. His dedication is what makes him a great entrepreneur. “Entrepreneurship is fundamentally taking an objective or task and doing anything it takes to achieve that task,” Batchu said. “Anyone who can achieve that task is a good entrepreneur.” His passion for helping others has lead him to pursue a biomedical engineering major. From participating in high school medical competitions to working with professors, he’s always felt drawn to research, science and medicine. From last winter until now, he has been working on an invention of a
cancer treatment method involving nanoparticles, an idea he first developed in his junior year of high school. Of the current three types of cancer treatments, he believes all have flaws, inspiring him to innovate and continue his research on building and prototyping his treatment. Batchu works at the DEN as a DEN associate and host, and works with other DEN associates for the weekly DEN circle events. Outside of the college, his hobbies include watching movies and reading books. May Nguyen ‘18 Starting out selling her own hand-drawn comic books in middle school, May Nguyen ’18 has always been interested in the start-up culture and entrepreneurship. Her passion in photography coupled with her interest in fashion has brought her closer to the artistic side of business. For Nguyen, clothing is a form of expression, an amazing and literal canvas of art. “I read a lot about fashion and everything,” Nguyen said. “I’ve always thought of clothing as an art and a great way to express yourself.” Taking inspiration from the Vietnamese handpainted clothing industry, she came up with the idea of selling hand-painted dresses. Working with individual artists from her hometown in Vietnam, she made phone calls to different people who could hand-paint customizable designs onto dresses. To further incorporate the college into her business, she used her photos of the New England landscape and Dartmouth’s “campus-scape,” including the Baker Library and Dartmouth Hall, for guides. Her designs add a unique touch to simple solidcolored dresses, and her business allows her to pursue her passion for photography and art. She also participates in the Dartmouth Entrepreneurial Network in Residence living learning community and the DALI Lab as a designer. Nguyen is a member of The Dartmouth staff. Max von Hippel ’19 At first glance, Max von Hippel ’19 seems like your average Dartmouth student in his singlecolored shirts and Patagonia backpack. As you talk to him, however, you realize several things — he’s good at talking, he’s good at coding and he can speak for hours about Costa Rica. Von Hippel started coding at the ripe age of 15, dedicating most of his time on Stack Overflow with a focus on C# and Vectors. He develops every app with creativity, passion and humanitarianism. Bluster is a weather app he developed with famous quotes and bad puns used for the weather forecast. He made Essayist
to teach children how to write the standard fiveparagraph essay by breaking down ideas into parts and structuring of the essay. And his most popular app with over 8000 downloads, Chetawani (Nepali for “warning”) aims to organize volunteers following the earthquake in Nepal. He interned at the University of Queensland in Australia, working with biology professor Robert Trivers to make an app for ambulatory assessment of aboriginals and to study the ecotoxicology of the island and its effects on the mental health of the indigenous people. Focusing on symbols and audio-recordings for the app, he became more interested in communication with other cultures through code, thus sparking his interest in engineering and the DEN. Professor Andrew Samwick For 11 years, economics professor Andrew Samwick has directed the Rockefeller Center to motivate and inspire the next generation of public policy leaders. After realizing that social entrepreneurship was necessary in the world beyond Hanover, he designed and launched a course in which students could hit three crucial points necessary for their futures — the study of poverty and its causes and consequences, the nature and style of innovation and innovation itself, with a project in which students would design a concept for a social venture addressing poverty. By the end of the course, called “Social Entrepreneurship,” projects would be ready for competitions and pitches, leading students to think of ideas and giving them the resources to expand on them. Samwick describes the value of educating students in this field. “You have to be relentlessly focused on creating value for the people,” Samwick said. “That’s a very humbling experience, to be so focused on a something that’s greater than you.” Dartmouth’s focus on its liberal arts environment gives students the worldliness and curious mind to follow through with their ideas. The many campus resources are open to everyone, and while success may not always be the outcome, there are one hundred and one opportunities to develop ideas further. Go on that three-minute trek to the DEN innovation center, sit in one of their plush chairs, grab a Snapple from the drinks fridge, a bag of popcorn and just relax. People in the glass rooms are working hard as you sit back, listen to the quiet bustle and think. Innovate. The underlying shared energy may spark some motivation and wake up some dormant ideas that have been in your mind all this time. Who knows? A small idea may be a spark today but the next big thing tomorrow.
Saturday Classes Just No.
The Fire Tower
If you haven’t gone, who are you?
Drunk ’19s Reel it in guys, you have 11.5 terms left to rage.
Halloween Costume picking Sexy Phil Hanlon anyone?
Foco Harvest Dinner A Cabot sculpture? Lit af.
Pumpkin
Pie, soup and bread.
Snow Snow?!
MAY NGUYEN / THE DARTMOUTH STAFF
Jayanth Batchu ’18 works at DEN, watches movies and reads books. He is also working to cure cancer.
On Monday Dialogue As we approached the Dartmouth Outing Club House, we heard the faint sound of music buzzing in the air. We saw lights flashing, cars approaching and hoards of people standing outside on the patio. Before us laid the world of the unknown — we were about to crash a party full of students from the Geisel School of Medicine. Up until this moment, our only glimpses of these medical students were through the tinted windows of Murphy’s, but even then, they were in another world — a different world, a world of maturity and growth that 18 year-old freshmen like ourselves couldn’t possibly understand. And so we decided to ask — what exactly do Geisel students do for fun? When we arrived at the DOC House, we threw our backpacks into a corner (we didn’t want to be the weirdos with the backpacks), and proceeded to approach students to ask them about all the fun they’ve been up to this past week. In general, it seems that if medical students are looking to blow off some steam, most of them usually go to one of the bars in town — often Salt Hill Pub — or they meet up at classmates’ houses and off-campus apartments. In true Dartmouth fashion, there are individuals whose job it is to help orchestrate these gatherings, and each class has appointed social chairs who help organize on- and off-campus events for their class. On-campus activities consist of anything from formals to themed parties and Heart Rounds — a monthly mixer between faculty and students. “One really cool thing we do is once a month we have Heart Rounds,” Emily Dollar ’14 Med’19 said. “They invite faculty, so it’s wine and cheese and beer and it’s on campus…That’s probably one of the biggest social events.” The Geisel students also mingle with other students from other graduate programs around campus, including a graduate student formal that was hosted a few weeks ago. Dollar also talked about some of the other social events between graduate programs, like a Halloween formal with the Tuck School of Business. Formals, in the undergraduate sense, often call to mind rather wild party scenes with the anxious pre-dance ritual of asking
somebody to as a date. The Geisel students we spoke to, however, assured us that their formals are 100 percent mixer and 0 percent rage. Its a small school, though, with only 422 total students enrolled during last fall, and Dollar wasn’t kidding when she told us students are with their peers at all times. We spoke with chair of Geisel’s anatomy department Rand Swenson about the academic structure of the medical school. “They all have class together every day,” he said. “Well, there are a lot of small groups, small group activities and things like that where they are working in small teams of medical students. They’re all doing the same thing.” As Geisel students testify, the strong sense of community fostered by the small class sizes was one of the compelling reasons to come to Dartmouth. As a result, the class spends a lot of time together and is not overly divided by cliques or exclusive social groups. When asked about the social cohesion of the medical school class, Christopher Louie Med’19 told us the same thing. “We’re all in the same classes — it’s a small community,” he said. “We all go to the same social events.” The class Facebook group is the hub for communication regarding homework, class schedules and social events. This came as a shock to Dollar, who as an undergraduate at the College spent four years checking Blitz every 20 minutes. As undergraduates, Blitz is the one of the most important tool of communication and source of information for campus-wide events. In medical school, however, students who haven’t been trained by Dartmouth standards to check Blitz every hour often forgo their email in favor of Facebook. “My roommate also went to Dartmouth, and we’ll email out to people ‘Do you want to come over for dinner?’ and then they’ll respond the next day saying they just saw it, so its definitely a change,” she said. While the discover y that medical students at Dartmouth enjoy a tight-knit community was reassuring, the real question still loomed over our heads — is there inter-class dating (med-cest??).Of course, being in a relationship is going to play a major role in
The Social Life Of Gei Story
ys, We Rage
isel Medical Students B y Karen Cao and lily hines
someone’s social life, and we also were told that a great amount of students have significant others, some of which are long-distance relationships, while others reside in Hanover and some even attend Geisel alongside each other. Medical students spend a significant amount of time together both inside and outside of class, and that means relationships between Geisel students can get a little complicated. “If you’re dating somebody else in Geisel, that’s a big decision to make,” Dollar said. “We are in all of our classes together.” We discovered that as far as intra-school relationships go, it depends on the class. “I know that the second-years have a ton of people who are dating each other. I think our class, the first-years, have a lot more people who came in already in relationships, so it’s a little different,” Sandy Rao Med’19 said. The second-year class has around 10 dif ferent couples, while other classes are more diversified with a few intra-med school relationships and many students who are in long distance relationships. There are, however, also many couples that decide to move to Hanover while their partner is attending school at Geisel. Brad Olson is the partner of a third-year medical student who moved to the area when his partner started school. Generally, the social scene for students is centered around hanging out with their classmates, so partners are more than welcome to attend any onor off-campus event hosted by the college. Fortunately, other students are very welcoming to their peers’ spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends and family members. “All the graduate programs have partners, groups and events that are open to wives, husbands, children, etc., so there are so many different things going on at any given point in time that it becomes an all-inclusive community,” Olson said. “The Heart Rounds is one of those events. Its open to boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, professors, doctors.” For the med students who live here with their significant others, like Olson, off–campus housing is the preferred choice. There is graduate housing available on campus, but it is not as
popular as living in a house in town. Interestingly, graduate students living on-campus must abide by the same college laws as undergraduate students. On that note, graduate students are also not allowed to have hard alcohol in their on-campus apartments as a result of “Moving Dartmouth Forward.” “We can’t have hard alcohol on campus either,” Dollar said. “Nobody can, even if you are over 21. It’s a campus ban and so for our formals, the bar can’t serve hard alcohol, it has to be beer and wine only.” She also told us about a party that was held on campus after their first quiz in which the students hosting the party were required to put in their email “no hard alcohol.” Due to a heavy course load, however, some of the medical students do not have much time to rage. “We go out Mondays after our quizzes, only Mondays. Occasionally we go out on a Friday, but it is every other week,” Alec Fisher Med’19 said. “So we have a quiz every other Monday, and that Monday night we go out and usually that Friday or Saturday we go out and then the rest of the week is a lot of studying.” Geisel students’ social lives, however, entail even more than just going to bars and studying for their Monday exams. For one, many of them seem to be extremely active outside of Dartmouth and take advantage of the outdoorsy culture that characterizes Hanover. “There is a lot of hiking, I run the soccer for the first-years,” Fisher said. “A lot of us do volunteering. I’m with the urban health scholars group, so I travel to cities and provide health care.” The campus culture of being outdoors all the time certainly r ubs of f on ever ybody who comes to stay, and all of the students we talked to had longer lists of extracurricular than we did. Rao is a great example of a medical student who encompasses Dartmouth’s crunchy yet involved culture. “The idea of being outdoorsy is totally new to me, so I have been going kayaking with a bunch of med students. We’ve been going on hikes every other weekend when we don’t have an exam,” she said.
ALISON GUH/ THE DARTMOUTH SENIOR STAFF
6// MIRROR
Frolicking Through Floren A NARP Goes to the Varsity Gym Story
B y Sarah kovan
I am probably the ultimate NARP. I’ve never seriously played on a sports team, and I tried to get away with only running 1.9 laps around the Homecoming bonfire. While many college-bound students write their Common Application essays about sports — a particularly rewarding win or upsetting loss, injur y or ser ving as a leader on a team — I wrote mine about celebrities. Varsity athletes are arguably the closest people Dartmouth has to celebrities. On a campus where almost 25 percent of the student body is comprised of varsity athletes and overall more than 75 percent are in some way or another involved in athletics, my lack of athletic prowess is especially glaring. Whenever I walk to the Alumni Gymnasium at the Zimmerman Fitness Center (which unfortunately is not ver y often), I stop to mar vel at the mysterious brick building that simply reads “Dartmouth” just next to Memorial Field. If this campus were Hollywood, this building, the Floren Varsity House, would be Chateau Marmont, the notoriously exclusive club that hosts the biggest names in Hollywood. What could be inside the $19.5 million facility? I’d heard tales of sparkling clean machines and free massages. Determined to satiate my curiosity once and for all, I set out on a mission to get inside the varsity gym. My first step was to venture across the hall to talk to my neighbor and varsity lacrosse player Jack Auteri ’19, who works out at Floren with his team two to three mornings a week. He told me that the varsity gym would probably live up to my high expectations. “It’s a ver y nice facility,” he said. “Ever ybody works really hard to keep it clean. DENNIS NG/THE DARTMOUTH STAFF There’s plenty of squat racks for all the Compared to Alumni Gym, Floren has lots of space for squats and is very clean, although there aren’t unlimited massages as Kovan thought. athletes.” It turns out that I was not the only one itching for a glimpse of the Floren Varsity an equipment room and a lecture hall that adjustable hammer machines — lined the “How Bout You”(2006). “Sometimes players House. Auteri’s roommate, Conner Ueber- they use for team meetings. gym which was decorated with Dartmouth have requests, and if we’re feeling generous roth ’19, works out at the Alumni Gym three It turned out that I had to take an eleva- Ds and a giant Dartmouth banner. we’ll give in, but usually the coach on the to four times a week and even created the tor to the second level to get to the varsity I headed into the strength and condition- floor is the one who picks.” Facebook group “Dartmouth Fitness” to strength training center, where most of the ing office where strength and conditioning Gilfedder added that the varsity athletes help students coordinate workout schedules team workouts are held. As the elevator intern Joe Gilfedder explained that the do not just come and go as they please. and find spotters. He said he would love to doors opened, I could see that the training varsity athletes need their own gym so that Teams have specific times they are schedsee the varsity gym because he heard that center was full of teams working out in they can get individualized training based uled for training. it is better supplied than the Alumni Gym. unison to a blasting countr y song I didn’t on their specific sports. “If they want to do extra work, that’s up “The Alumni Gym is always busy so know. “We’re able to give them a program that to their own coach and whether or not that there’s not always enough equipment,” he And they could see me. I could tell that will help them excel in their sport. They’ll coach would allow it,” she said. “If they despite my best effort to look athletic, I be stronger, faster, more conditioned,” he wanted to come over and just do some said. Ueberroth, a self-professed protein con- couldn’t disguise myself ver y well. It prob- said. “Having over 30 varsity teams here at biceps we’d probably tell them to go over noisseur (he’s partial to Iso), also perked ably didn’t help that I was the only one there Dartmouth, one guy can’t handle the whole to Alumni [Gym].” up when Auteri mentioned that the varsity not wearing a Dartmouth Athletics shirt. thing. We have a few guys on staff, and we And, finally, to answer the burning quesathletes get free protein shakes after their They gave me confused looks through the divide up all the teams.” tion that I’m sure is on all of your minds, the glass door while they effortlessly held the “A lot of people think it’s all about lifting varsity athletes do not get “free massages.” workouts. At a mere five feet, I knew I wouldn’t plank position. maximum weight really slowly but a lot of According to Baier, if an athlete has an injury pass for a varsity athlete, but I put on my I sat on a bench outside the elevator the time we want to transfer explosiveness that is due to a lack of mobility, director most athletic outfit nonetheless and headed waiting for them to finish their workout and speed onto the court, field or into the of integrative health Anna Terr y and her over to Floren. As I walked over, I wondered and hoping security didn’t come to escort playing arena,” Gilfedder said. “Most gyms, interns will provide a 20-minute massage what it would be like. Would I have to say a me out. and even a lot of varsity gyms, will not have that targets their injur y. secret word to get in? Would I even get in As soon as practice was over and the that.” “It’s not like you’re getting a Swedish coast was clear, I hurried over to the train- While the facilities at Floren may be fit massage,” Gilfedder said. at all? I was surprised to get right in — part of ing room. It was a thing of beauty. for A-listers, they don’t cause the varsity If my trip to Floren Varsity House taught me really expected bouncers to be waiting Three long rows of immaculate black, athletes to behave like divas because, as me anything, it’s that being a varsity athlete outside the door with a list with only the white and green equipment — 20 platforms assistant strength and conditioning coach is not as glamorous as it seems. It’s like varsity athletes’ names on it. Once inside, I and racks, four cable lat pulldowns, eight Kelsey Baier told me, they have rules to when celebrities tell reporters that their had absolutely no idea where I was going — glute and hamstring machines, three bell follow and coaches to answer to. lives involve way more hard work than it felt like I had snuck behind the scenes of squat machines, four Russian boxes, 12 “The music played in the gym is at the glamour. Yes, the varsity athletes work out movie but the cast and crew were nowhere cardio machines, three sets of iron dumb- coaches’ discretion,” she said as the mystery in a super nice gym, but they don’t even get in sight. All I could see on the first floor were bells, assorted hammer machines and six countr y song switched to Eric Church’s to choose their own workout playlists.
MIRROR //7
JOE KIND, A GUY COLUMN By Joe Kind
The social media hashtag “no new friends” has existed for quite some time now as a seemingly clever photo caption or as its own hashtag supplanting a witty Facebook status or tweet (for those of us who still tweet…). Like many trends, the phrase has lost much of its original pleasing power at the cost of its rising ubiquity. But perhaps there is a deeper truth here as well. For as long as I can remember, actually, the premise of a good social life has revolved around a dangerous double standard. On the one hand, there is the perception that having more friends is somehow better. More friends tend to help reputations rather than hurt them. Social media exacerbates this phenomenon — more likes means more approval, which means more influence and respect amongst your peers, purportedly. But then there is the other side of that coin, the idea that a fulfilling social life requires participation in a close-knit group of friends. This group may be small, but it doesn’t matter, because groups of friends hang out with other groups of friends — call it reverse osmosis — and eventually some ideal combination of quality and quantity emerges. If you happen to have transformed this art into a science that I don’t know about, let me know. To be clear, I am quite content with the balance I have struck between having close friends and having many friends. Sometimes it feels like the scales like to fluctuate precariously, but I dismiss the feeling and assume that must be a kind of normal perception. Which is why I think the phrase “no new friends” is here to stay. It is easy to joke that having no new friends is a bad thing, yet having a stable support system at all is a significant comfort in itself. As an upperclassman I am partly proud in my social complacency. Look at me, with no new friends, no longer having to consciously tr y to meet new people when I decide to go out. I am a senior, I know my friends well and I am grateful to have friends across different axes of my life at Dartmouth and beyond. But let this not be interpreted as one giant self-call, please. I still go out to Greek houses and sometimes feel awkward or uncomfortable. My friends and I disagree on things and dealing with those isn’t always fun or pretty. What this also may come down to, honestly, is exhaustion. I am a senior, hear me yawn. Do I really have the energy to go to meetings this week? Thankfully I will have
my Thursday morning swim practice as a constant fallback. Going out is no longer a ritual pressured with expectations to “hang out” or “rage” as in years past. My nights with friends never lack a genuine earnestness to them. Remember #nofilter?? The description for seemingly untouched photos and/or embarrassingly edited ones on Instagram is used so infrequently now. To speculate the exact cause of this is trivial — we have ultimately accepted, begrudgingly or other wise, that most of our uploaded works of art are retouched. That may be argued as a bad thing, for reasons I do not have time for in this column. But one benefit of such a reality today is that our generation of social media users is one step closer to beginning to admit that we actually care a lot about how our social media lives are perceived, arguably creating opportunities for conversations about our actual social lives, too. “No new friends” is just the latest iteration of this same discussion. In my freshmen year, my teammates went out a lot. They were a close-knit group of guys and girls who enjoyed going out together — can you blame them? They did not necessarily go out more nights per week than the average Dartmouth student, but they were almost always reliably together. I could go out to a given fraternity and know with near certainty that I would find people I knew there, with or without a direct text. I hear the occasional throwback song and am immediately taken back to a dark and crowded basement with my sweaty teammates, dancing around and jumping wildly in the zenith of the night. I still have those nights as a senior, albeit to different music and without my teammates. All of the new policies have made it significantly harder to recreate these kinds of scenes with my entire team. In my freshmen fall, teammates who “didn’t hang out” were seen as reclusive and less “fun.” But those same stigmas were attached to other friends and floormates beyond my specific team, and beyond a specific fraternity. There was definitely pressure to go out, at least in my mind, since that’s what ever ybody else was doing. This weekend, freshmen may begin to fall into those same kinds of traps. I do not want to speak to the freshmen fall experience today, given how different it is from my own. I imagine the ’19s are ready, having waited patiently to create their own basement scenes, wild or other wise, with or without “no new friends.”
SAM’S LITTLE LARKS COLUMN
By Sam Van Wetter
ACADEMIC SAM and ACAD-EH-MIC SAM are studying together. ACADEH-MIC SAM: I think this item is pretty good. ACADEMIC SAM: Did you finish? ACAD-EH-MIC: Pretty much. ACADEMIC: Do you understand it? ACAD-EH-MIC: Pretty well. I think I’ll be done. ACADEMIC: You didn’t finish it, did you? ACAD-EH-MIC: I answered all the questions. Mostly. ACADEMIC: You gotta stop doing this, Sam. This is your homework, not some lukewarm beer you can half-finish and then drop. ACAD-EH-MIC: I would never drop a half-full beer. ACADEMIC: Exactly, and you should never abandon your homework unless you’ve done it to the best of your abilities. Now, why don’t you look back over it, make some edits and finish your conclusion. After that we can spellcheck, grammarcheck, factcheck, typecheck, citationcheck and perfectcheck. We could also translate it into French and then back to English, but I only do that when I’m looking for a certain je ne sais quoi. ACAD-EH-MIC: What? ACADEMIC: And then we can email it to your professor, your dad, your dean, my dean, RWIT, a couple of listservs and Hanlon for some feedback. ACAD-EH-MIC: Why would you ask Hanlon for feedback for this paper? ACADEMIC: You’re right. It’s a little right-brainy for him, isn’t it? Better send it to Gail instead. ACAD-EH-MIC: That’s nuts. I wouldn’t want them reading my best work, much less this piece of recyclable bullsmash. ACADEMIC: All work should be your best work. ACAD-EH-MIC: That’s crazy! Just think of everything you’ve ever done! I mean, I got into Dartmouth. I’ve written the only essay in existence discussing Sylvia Plath’s thematic betrayal of Space Jam. In kindergarten, I wrote a poem about my beta fish Betty and how she eats buckets of butter. How can I beat that? ACADEMIC: I told you, translating it into French — ACAD-EH-MIC: But I don’t have time for that. There’s so much else I have to do. I mean, you know those response papers due in our 2A every week? Are you saying that I should spend as much time and concerted effort on those as on, like, my thesis? That’s actually crazy. That’s unrealistic. ACADEMIC: Reality has no control over true academics. ACAD-EH-MIC: Maybe that’s my issue. Maybe I’m not truly academic. ACADEMIC: Of course you are. He wouldn’t have let you start classes if you weren’t. ACAD-EH-MIC: Who wouldn’t? ACADEMIC: The Sorting Hat. ACAD-EH-MIC: The Sorting Hat?! THE SORTING HAT: The Sorting Hat!! ACAD-EH-MIC: I didn’t know Dartmouth had a Sorting Hat. THE SORTING HAT: If you don’t know, now you know. ACAD-EH-MIC: I never got sorted. ACADEMIC: Yes you did. Remember that day during Orientation when we were all taken into the President’s Office for no reason? Well the Sorting Hat was there, just kind of hovering over the door frame. THE SORTING HAT: I sorted everyone who walked in. The Common App is a pretty good threshold, but people can sometimes slip through so I double check before you start classes. Someone who isn’t a true academic wouldn’t fare very well here at Dartmouth so, really, we’re just keeping them from misery. ACAD-EH-MIC: Wait. I never got sorted. THE SORTING HAT: Of course you did. I sorted everyone who walked into the late and great C.
Folt’s office. ACAD-EH-MIC: I never walked into Folt’s office. I got stuck in a Fahey bathroom. I put my blazer on backwards which inadvertently rendered my arms immobile and it wasn’t until Jan, our floor custodian, came in to empty the trash that anyone noticed I was missing. She helped me cut the blazer off and I ran to Parkhurst but our floor had already finished. ACADEMIC: That’s impossible. ACAD-EH-MIC: I thought so too. I thought my UGA would at least take attendance, but apparently she thought I was the same person as this girl on my floor. THE SORTING HAT: But I’ve sorted everyone. ACAD-EH-MIC: That explains so much! I was never meant to go to classes in the first place! I’m not a true academic! I should drop out! I should transfer to Cornell! ACADEMIC: We have to sort you. ACAD-EH-MIC: What? ACADEMIC: Come on, Sorting Hat. Is he an academic or not? ACAD-EH-MIC: I’m not! I’m not! That’s why I never start a research paper more than 48 hours before it’s due! That’s why I always wait for a vaguely threatening email from my Dean before I pick classes for the term! That’s why I skim! That’s why I’m scraping by! I’m not an academic! ACADEMIC: Sort him! ACAD-EH-MIC: Sort me! THE SORTING HAT: Sorting! (There is a pregnant pause.) THE SORTING HAT: Hmm, difficult. Very difficult. Plenty of courage, I see. Not a bad mind, either. There’s talent, oh yes. And a thirst to prove yourself. But where’s your motivation? ACAD-EH-MIC: (Whispering) Not academic… not academic. THE SORTING HAT: Not an academic, eh? Are you sure? You could be great, you know. It’s all here in your head. And being an academic can help you on your way to greatness, there’s no doubt about that. No? ACAD-EH-MIC: (Whispering) Anything but academic… anything but academic. THE SORTING HAT: Then, better be… ACADEMISH! ACADEMIC: Academish? THE SORTING HAT: See, they slip through the Common App sometimes. They appear to be thinkers, creators, focused and goal-oriented, but they’re actually just looking for a good time, an occasional good read, some good conversations with good friends and teachers. ACAD-EH-MIC: That’s me! THE SORTING HAT: Easily satisfied with the bare minimum, inclined to turn things in late and poorly edited. ACAD-EH-MIC: It’s like you’ve read my mind! THE SORTING HAT: I have. ACAD-EH-MIC: So I can turn this in, right? Even though it’s a first draft? THE SORTING HAT: Of course. That’s what academishes do. (ACAD-EH-MIC SAM bounds out of the room.) ACADEMIC: What about me? THE SORTING HAT: Sit back down. Remember, every assignment better than the last. You’ve still got to translate back from the French.
8// MIRROR
Mirror Asks Q&A
B y the mirror staff
Combine your Favorite parts of ever y DDS location into one mega-dining hall and describe: “FoHoNoCo Cafe would only cost one meal swipe and would basically be like FoCo except with Collis stir-fr y and pasta all the time (Steve included) and you could take anything with you when you leave. There would also be bagels, smoothies and an espresso machine.” — Leina McDermott ’19 “I would take FoCo’s salad bar, Collis’s stir-fr y and omelette stations, the Hop’s refrigerators and Novack’s sandwiches and snacks on the counter.” — Sarah Kovan ’19 “FoCo all-you-can-eat meets Late Night Collis at the convenience of the Hop, which is literally a minute away from my dorm.” — Karen Hsueh ’19 “Only ser ves stir-fr y (Collis) and quesadillas (Hop), all unlimited (FoCo) and I get to yell at ever yone whenever I want for no reason (Novack).” — Sam Forstner ’18 “Focollop — they make ever ything for you but magically there is never any line, a salad station where they make eggs/chicken right there and toss the salad for you, stir-fr y station like in Collis, a station with the hummus and sweet potatoes from FoCo because that stuff is my jam. The hop would be represented by a small stand making taco salads and tuna melts, and then there would be a huge fridge full of only raspberr y Greek yogurt because that is obvi the best flavor.” — Julianna Docking ’18 “The mega hall would include FoCo’s cookie stand, Collis’s smoothie bar, Late Night Collis’s mozz sticks, Novack’s General Tso’s fried rice and the Hop’s quesadilla-maker employees.” — Karen Cao ’19 “Bread pudding (R.I.P) and pasta from Collis, salad bar and chicken tender quesos from the Hop, cookies from Novack, drinks and pumpkin whoopie pies from KAF and frozen yogurt, cheesy bread and cantaloupe from FoCo.” — Lindsay Keare ’16 “Somewhere the size of Foco with the ambiance of Collis that has the Hop’s snacks and coffee selection, Collis’s salad bar and pasta, stir-fr y, and omelette stations, KAF’s pastries and sandwiches and Foco’s soups and worldview burrito bar. Souleymane and Collis Steve would work here, and it would be located where Collis is now. It would also have Novack’s speedy ser vice.” — Caroline Berens ’18
What Celebrity Would be the Ideal Pong Partner? “Beyoncé because any situation involving Beyoncé would be ideal. Also she’s probably really good at pong.” — Leina McDermott ’19 “Mindy Kaling! I love her and she went to Dartmouth.” — Sarah Kovan ’19 “Chris Pine. My opponents, male or female, would be distracted by his beauty.” — Karen Hsueh ’19 “Roger Federer.” — Sam Forstner ’18 “Corbin Bleu from ‘High School Musical.’ I don’t know why... I just feel like he’s super agile judging from his dancing in the three movies as well as his ability to jump rope in the smash hit, ‘Jump In!’” — Julianna Docking ’18 “I firmly believe that Jonah Hill is the most ideal celebrity partner for pong because the whole world knows he is going to channel his inner Jordan Belfort and win at ever ything in life.” — Karen Cao ’19 “I want to say one of the Hemsworth brothers because they have big wingspans and are easy on the eyes, too. No one would EVER dare to kick Thor or Gale off table, even if we sucked.” — Lindsay Keare ’16 “Softball question — I’d bring Tyra Banks. Not because I think we’ll win, but I have this image of being nearly golden-treed and she looks at our opponents and says, ver y dramatically, ‘I only have one cup on the table.’ After we eventually lose, she turns to me and yells, ‘I was rooting for you, we were all rooting for you!’” — Luke McCann ’16, executive editor “Andy Roddick, because he’s ver y attractive, seems nice and would also likely be good at pong. (I have a suspicion that pong skills are directly related to tennis skills.)” — Caroline Berens ’18
Ideal BarHop Theme? Describe. “My ideal BarHop theme would be the 1970s. They’d have fondue and good ’70s music in one room and a disco in another. People would wear ’70s themed flair.” — Sarah Kovan ’19 “Throwback music ft. FoCo cookies.” — Karen Hsueh ’19 “Canada night — ever yone is overly nice and apologetic, the room is flooded for curling and you can drink at 19.” — Sam Forstner ’18 “Not quite sure how themes at BarHop work but I want to say ‘Friends’ themed... people can dress up like Jennifer Aniston, with “Friends” trivia while the show played on a huge screen the whole time.” — Julianna Docking ’18 “Seven Deadly Sins. Different rooms/areas of BarHop could have different themed activities according to each sin. For example, Vice = casino night, Gluttony = carb-heavy snacks, Lust = ….” — Karen Cao ’19 “I was recently told that the people in charge of BarHop take their themes ver y seriously, so I feel like they would shut down all my ideas.” — Lindsay Keare ’16 “Postmodernism. There are no drinks, no costumes, no anything. There’s not even a party. It’s all ver y meta.” — Luke McCann ’16, executive editor “Wild West, where people wear flannel shirts, cowboy hats and boots and there’s a mechanical bull. And whatever kind of dancing they do — contra-dancing?” — Caroline Berens ’18
Tracy Wang, Kelsey Kettelsen, Rebecca Schantz/THE DARTMOUTH STAFF