Mending a Broken Faith

Kapag tumigil ka sa paniniwala, mahirap nang maniwala pang ulit. It’s just never the same anymore.

However, you don’t just easily lose faith and spirituality, you just really lose hope in the religion you’re in and in the traditions they practice. Marami ang nagsasabi na ang tunay na paniniwala ay isang personal na paglalakbay at hindi dapat basta-basta natitisod ng mga tao sa iyong paligid. Ngunit, paano mo sisikmurain makasalamuha ang mga taong simbahan na ‘tila mga dilang anghel, ngunit sa labas ay nagmimistulang mga hipokrito?

‘Yan ang isa sa maraming tanong ang patuloy na gumagambala sa akin at halos rentahan na ang lahat ng espasyo ng isip hanggang sa maubusan ng puwang ang iba pang mga problema.

I grew up with a religious mother and under the guidance of the Benedictine nuns. Bilang bata, Katoliko lamang ang kinilala kong relihiyon. Over high school, I joined an organization named Youth for Christ and spent my good years happily worshiping with my fellow youth as we visited different provinces, all in celebration of Christ. However, as time passed on, I felt obsessive eyes on me fault-finding unnecessary and innocent intentions. Every move was condemned within the small box of mockery and discernment.

Despite uncertainties, I remained dedicated to serving Christ alone. Our self-established cell group, JOLOGS (Jesus Our Lord Our God and Savior), brought us joy and peace. Reflecting now, I’m torn between nostalgia and cringe over the name. Yet, it didn’t matter then; we embraced women leading prayers and guiding youth towards Christ. In high school, I found solace in a Christian Baptist church, despite it not being my religion. But eventually, the embarrassment and peer pressure of puberty led me to question faith. Irony unfolds in this universal theatrical play. When did faith become so embarrassing?

YFC had advocacies that we all wished to embody– becoming the champion of the poor, creating a culture of excellence in our academic endeavors, creating and leading a green generation, and being 100% free.

And, if all my material sins had been deducted from my ligtas points, I might still be standing on a negative ground even until the very moment I chose to write this. It is said that our body is the temple of Christ; therefore, it should be well-taken care of. It was easy to pick up the habit of drinking, especially from a young age, but it’s never easy to break out from the same habit that kept you sane enough to face the real world.

I still had my faith intact, but it felt horrendous to keep going back to service with such grave sins hidden. I couldn’t bear living a double life just to keep my consistency. I know for a fact that everyone in the room was just doing shots of alcohol last night, and unbelievably calling out to lead worship the next afternoon. It became routine until it felt more comfortable leaving than staying.

The Remedy of Philosophy

I like to think that I’ve grown wiser outside the help of faith and belief. I’ve started to discover and learn about philosophies and ethics. I had thought, maybe believing didn’t need any religion to amplify your faith. Was it really necessary to mind a God every time I made a single decision?

For years, I stood by a principle– choosing not to represent any religion, but rather to represent the ideals Christ might have wanted his followers to be. To be gracious and merciful to others, without needing the instructions of any elders. Without feeling any obligation, I’d choose to do good without any guilt trip of the heaven-andhell-concept-box. Ika nga, hangga’t wala kang tinatapakang ibang tao.

Recently, I reconnected with my Catholic faith, taking Communion after years. It didn’t feel like coming home but rather meeting a stranger over coffee. I pondered the danger of such a meeting, fearing a spiked drink. Yet, he could be a genuinely kind person, offering his self-grown coffee.

Which one?

The funny thing about faith and religion is that you have no idea whether you’re doing it correctly; compared to the hundreds of other beliefs existing in this world (Taoism, Norse paganism, Hindu, Buddhism, Islam, Slavic neopaganism, Celtic,Mormonism, Scientology, RIZALISTA?) and none of it is ever wrong. There’s nothing tangible about religions, yet faith drives us to move mountains. Had I been born on the other side of the world, would I still be Christian? Had I been born in a different culture, would I still perceive God, not as a living man, but rather as the sun that provides us livelihood?

Today, I find myself uncertain, but determined. I revive my forgotten faith, piece by piece. No specific trigger, just a sudden realization of my need for God. Love and passion wasted on materialism, I long to believe again, to sing worship with heartfelt devotion. Today, I choose belief, seeking a flourishing faith.