2 minute read
Mind at War
By KYLE VINCENT P. PULA
Late evening is when I think and try to clear my head. I often stay awake all night, just lying in my bed. As soon as I get drowsy, thoughts begin racing in, I start questioning everything and regretting every sin.
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At first, the thoughts are gentle. Like what will I do tomorrow? But as time crawls by, they escalate -till I’m drowning in my despair. I think of all my downfalls, every detail of what I did wrong. After hours of relieving pain, I assure myself I don’t belong.
I suddenly feel isolated and like the silence will never end. I feel like I will never escape; there’s too much I just can’t mend. I don’t understand why it is so complicated now.
When before, it might not have been simple, but it by far was never this bad. I can’t hear the whisper anymore; I don’t know if I ever will again. Why can’t I wake myself up? I haven’t cried in a long time.
I haven’t indeed expressed any type of emotion except for anger. I don’t remember myself anymore. I miss many things; if I knew back then, what would I be like now? I would run like hell and try to change a lot of things.
I try to ask myself, what are the regrets that I lived with so far? I regret the day that I decided I wasn’t good enough. I regret the day wasn’t interacting and remain silent and reserved. I regret that I was unable to value time and moments with my peers.
I regret that I told myself - a worthless thing. There are so many regrets, Far more than just this shortlist. I’m in a moment of life where things never seem to get any better.
There are still the same unsolved issues as yesterday, life still doesn’t get any easier. I feel vanquished and insignificant, like I’ll never do anything right. I let obscurity till the world fades away, and now I’m aroused by the light.
Our existence has shortcomings where it was inevitable. The foremost I can do for now is smile that things matter. I realize a new day has come. It’s time to pose on a brave face. I put those negative thoughts away. Until I return to this place.
ART BY HAZEL AZE SABORDO
