Friday, March 28, Department of Government Efficiency Supreme Leader Elon Musk announced major funding cuts to The College of William and Mary student newspaper The Flat Hat. Without their regular operating budget, The Flat Hat only has capacity to print this shitty flyer.
The same day as Musk’s announcement, a group of student protesters marched to the home of College President Katherine Rowe to egg her family’s two Teslas. An organizer for the protest, who wished to remain anonymous for the purpose of this article, clarified that these actions had no relation to The Flat Hat’s funding cuts.
“I had no idea that happened,” the organizer said. “We just thought Kathy’s Tessies were looking a little too shiny of late.”
Another participant in the student protest expressed a similar sentiment.
“What’s The Flat Hat?” she said.
Some question whether such lack of concern is truly genuine. Musk’s decision to reduce The Flat Hat’s semesterly budget to $4.20 went public just hours before the defacing of Rowe’s vehicles.
“The timing can’t possibly be a coincidence,” The Flat Hat Editor-in-Chief Queefin Chin ’26 said. “[The protesters] are just afraid of losing aura points by admitting they read The Flat Hat.” Student Accountability and Restorative Practices has launched
an investigation into the students who engaged in the egging. Rowe also released an email to the community in response.
“Who comes here belongs here. I have always said that. Belonging extends to all of us: men, women, Caucasians, African Americans, queers, and, yes, even Tesla owners. I am shocked and disappointed in such an uncouth, discriminatory attack on our community. I will see to it that the full strength of DOGE, I mean SARP, falls upon the communist terrorists who harmed my babies,” she wrote.
After the protest, community members noticed Rowe’s cars donning new mustaches, glasses and a Subaru logo. Some students hypothesize that this is an attempt to disguise the cars as nonTeslas.
“She’s clearly afraid,” the protest organizer said. “That means our actions worked. I’m happy to see that we’re making some gains within the community, if not on a larger scale.”
Rowe denies such allegations. She claims that her new decorations were in support of the College’s upcoming “Pride Month” organized by Lambda, Drag and Drop, Queer and Trans People Of Color, Out in Science Technology Engineering and Math and Student Assembly.
“I just love the lesbian community. I love our lesbian community. It is truly tragic that I am not part of this community, so I have transitioned my cars to be part of it. Meet Dental Dam (she/her) and Tribber (she/they).”
Friday, March 28, the long-awaited musical savant NLE Choppa descended upon Kaplan Arena to perform his magnum opus trifecta of “Slut Me Out” featuring “Slut Me Out – Country Me Out” and unveiling his new masterpiece “Slut Me Out – Choppa’s Version, From the Vault, Sad Girl Autumn, Acoustic Long Pond Studio Sessions.” Students from all walks of the William and Mary world flocked to New Campus in hopes that they might be one of the lucky few to caress Choppa’s toned biceps, only to be sorely disappointed by his commitment to a sex-less life. Fortunately, some hope was maintained.
“No pussy all month, Ramadan type shit. Well…maybe a little bit of pussy,” Choppa said.
If getting a college of virgins to scream “put your ass in my face ‘til I get pink eye” wasn’t impressive enough, CDC officials revealed on Sunday that a national measles outbreak had been traced back to the NLE Choppa mosh pit, citing Secretary of Health and Human Services RFK Jr., who told The Fat Head that “no one actually knows how measles spreads, but we know it was you fucking nerds.” Even though measles is a historically mysterious and entirely undiagnosable disease, professors hiding out in the abandoned remains of the old ISC building tried to convince us during interviews that something called a “vaccine” was readily available for the illness, though The Fat Head cannot confirm nor deny these preposterous rumors.
Infected students who participated in the mosh pit were eager to comment on their experience at the concert.
Twitter (I’m not calling it X), posting “Y’all telling me my show was so FIRE it spread MEASLES??? Viral AF. Get well soon tho frfr.”
In addition to his post, Choppa is expected to host a benefit concert next weekend to support victims of the outbreak, hinting earlier this week at a new pitch for semen retention as a potential new cure for measles. Even though all of our impressively uninformed and concerningly dedicated readers hate when we endorse things, The Fat Head is PROUD to endorse NLE Choppa’s
“Bro, I literally thought I was like…tripping when I saw all these people looking like connect-the-dots,” said one concertgoer. “Then I realized the dots were, like… contagious or something.”
Meanwhile, NLE Choppa himself remained perfectly fine, because of course he did. Choppa was too busy delivering bars to notice the mosh pit slowly transforming into a CDC case study. Since that fateful night, students and United States citizens alike have been referring to the outbreak as the Great Twamp Plague of 2025.
Shortly after news broke citing the College as patient zero, Choppa took to
commitment to worldwide measles elimination, especially since no such efforts have previously been made by the incompetent commie radical left. And you know what? While we’re at it, what is UP with scientists trying to cure everything anyway. Maybe the real measles are the friends we made along the way. To be honest, these little, round spots on our arms are starting to feel like the only consistent thing we’ve been able to maintain at our measly little paper. In fact, Big
job buddy! page 1
Pharma and their army of oat-milk-drinking, virtue-signaling, TikTokinfluencing sheeple want you to believe that these so-called “vaccines” are the only way to stay healthy. The lamestream media keeps telling us that vaccines have been around for decades, saving millions of lives. Oh, really? And we’re just supposed to take their word for it? Sounds a little too convenient. You know what else has been around for thousands of years? Semen. And the will to retain it. Patriots, the liberal elites embedded within the deep state have spent years infiltrating our schools and our churches, trying to injec t us with their Satanic serums and microchip implants. The Fat Head says ENOUGH. Honestly, anyone trying to cure their measles with “vaccines” are fake NLE Choppa fans. Heed our endorsement
Singular member of The Flat Hat protests in front of newly disguised Tesla
thankyou hello
AMBLER ALERT
BE ADVISED. A large, fiery cavern of Biblical proportions has mysteriously opened beneath the Sunken Garden. Multiple students have reported sightings of former Chancellor and all around standup-guy Henry Kissinger emerging from The Depths. Students are advised to avoid all contact, especially if not white-passing (particularly those appearing vaguely Southeast Asian).
Henry Emma and Sarah Davenport Co-Operations Coordinators
Lisa Coleslaw Digital Media Editor
Crystal Balls Digital Media Editor Adam Butt Digital Media Editor Miles (Not Much More) Digital Media Editor Peerawut Peerawut Peerawut Peerawut Peerawut
Peerawut Peerawut Special Thanks... Peerawut x David Dessler
In defense of microplastics
Debunking slander of scientific marvel, exploring positives of brain damage
TRIBE FOR LIFEʼS “CHALK” STASH // THE FAT HEAD
Thousands of years ago in creating the Tower of Babel, a united human race speaking a single language attempted to build a tower that would reach the sky. But today, microplastics are persistently and ruthlessly attacked in smear campaigns across the 49 states that matter, leading to many falsely thinking that they are a net negative on American life. In fact, one would be hard pressed to find something more unfairly detested by the general public than microplastics. Contrary to this belief, though, microplastics serve an incredibly valuable purpose in our day-to-day lives, helping further the human race through technological development, among other things.
First, many detractors of microplastics highlight the fact that repeated exposure to microplastics can cause degenerative brain damage. However, what the woke mob fails to consider here is the fact that brain damage is very funny.
For example, recall on an episode of the hit show “Family Feud,” released on Nov. 29, 2012, where the host, “Steve Harvey” asked the question, “Name something that follows the word ‘pork,’” to which the constant Will responded with “cupine.” This made me laugh a lot and would not have been possible without severe brain damage and “Steve Harvey,” and therefore microplastics should be widely used in American society. Was this specific incident caused by microplastics? Maybe not, but that doesn’t help my argument, so it doesn’t matter.
Further, another argument posited by anti-microplastic crusaders is that microplastics can enter our food and water
supplies (without buying it dinner first!), causing health and nutritional issues among the general population. Testicular torsion is no laughing matter. For this notion, however, the simple rebuttal can come from the statistic that Lucky Charms has sold more cereal boxes than Frosted Mini Wheats. (Link: https://www.kulicksfrenchtoastrecipes.com)
This proves that Americans like finding colorful small bits in their food, meaning that if Americans find colorful small microplastics in their food, they will be grateful and happy. As someone who was very happy when I received a $10,000 bribe to write this article, happiness is something we all could use in our lives to live life to the fullest.
Lastly, some say that microplastics are not biodegradable. However, be honest, you probably don’t even know what that word means. Myself, I had to use spell check to even spell “biodegradable” correctly, along with a few other words here and there. This made me feel like the morally complex character Patrick Bateman ( ) in the hit movie “American Psycho,” where the martyred Bateman is walking in a straight line while wearing headphones and ignoring the non-sigmas trying to annoy him in a hallway. Why should microplasticloving Americans have to put up with this mumbo-jumbo jargon when I can already barely remember when my wife’s anniversary is? In the end, all Americans should stand for microplastics and kneel for the cross, because in the words of U.S.A.-maxxing patriot Kendrick Lamar, “Stand for something, or die in the morning.”
I have no idea.
However, I happen to be colleagues with many people who possess a true penchant for all forms of satire, from the incisive to the absurd. I figure that the best way to give you all good advice in response to this question is to sit in as a silent observer on Fat Head day and take note of the tactics employed by the outgoing Flat Hat staff to maximize comedic value in, well, this issue. Watching people write articles may not seem conducive to insights, but--thankfully--the process is very collaborative, and the conversation flowed like milk and honey. So, because it seems potentially fruitful, I will undertake the role of documentarian. Here are my live takeaways from this surveillance, regarding what it takes to create incredible Fat Head content:
1. It appears to be vital to orient seating such that Ryan Goodman is very much on the outskirts. Everyone else is sitting in what generally resembles a circle, on chairs and couches of the same height and in a manner conducive to collaboration. However, Ryan is sitting by himself, away from the group, in a high-top chair facing the circle. He is trying his best to still be part of the conversation, but he has to work much harder than everyone else — walking over to the circle to show everyone else his ideas, asking “what was that” when everyone else is laughing at a joke he didn’t hear, etc. Note that this is not out of necessity — there is room on the couch! I don’t know why this is critical to good, funny journalism, but it must be.
2. It seems important to ask -Okay actually wait this seating arrangement is becoming more interesting to me by the second. At first, I thought that perhaps tabletop space was a concern for Ryan, and that perhaps he had elected to sit by himself to ensure that he could rest his laptop on a table (for while couch space is not lacking in the main circle, tabletop space is).
However, he has had his laptop squarely on his lap since the moment I arrived. My theory now is that I am playing a role in the current situation. When I entered the room, I immediately took a seat in an isolated corner chair to maximize my ability to watch and take in the action. So, it occurs to me that perhaps Ryan chooses to continue sitting at his location (which is about halfway between me and the circle) to make me feel less isolated. Maybe he’s intentionally close to me, to make me feel like I have a friend. I am not a physicist, but this strikes me as a relatively quantum predicament; in observing the room, I may have forever altered the dynamic. I considered leaving the room and watching through the window to see if my exit frees him up to join the crowd, but I am quite comfy in my chair, so I will not do that.
Testing that hypothesis being impossible (too comfy), my next theory is that Ryan thinks he is better than the rest of us. I automatically assumed his position was a position of weakness, of marginalization, but perhaps he is actually in the strongest position of all. His chair is the tallest, after all. Perhaps he sees himself as in charge of this whole operation, the queen bee of the hive, too elite to sit and write where the common satirists work. The main issue with this theory is that Ryan is, in my experience, a very down-toearth and humble individual.
Oh no. It has just hit me. What if he is doing the exact same thing I am doing. What if he is also here to observe and document the creative process behind the Fat Head, and has recently become obsessed with my strange choice of seat.
I’ll try to investigate this possibility by sneaking peeks at his laptop screen.
Okay, I got some peeks and the article he is working on appears far less meta. I was also able to glean that he smells fine, so body odor was probably not a factor in his decision.
You know what is starting to bug me? I thought that assuming a position in the corner and saying as little as possible in my time here would be difficult. I thought that people would want to talk to me and ask me what I am working on. I assumed that people would take note of my self-imposed isolation and become obsessed with determining my purpose here. Much to my dismay, there has been………….no interest in me or my work. It’s like I’m invisible. I think Anna at some point asked me if I had any ideas and I said something clever to deflect, something like “not yet,” but that is literally it. I thought of these people as friends, but I am learning rapidly that such a perception was a one-way street. Is it possible that they were simply being considerate and respecting my space? Is it possible they were simply following my lead, as I certainly hadn’t indicated being in a mood to speak? In other words, is it possible that they simply noticed that I had a weird vibe and was clearly up to something strange, and decided that they should let me do my apparently very pressing and private work without interruption? No, they must hate me. Yes, that’s it. Whatever. Being invisible is kind of nice, actually. It’s peaceful. It’s freeing. I don’t need to worry about disappointing people. Huh…wow. I have grown a lot this evening. Okay, hope this was helpful insights and stuff.
JAMIE HOLT / THE FLAT HAT
JAMIE HOLT / THE FLAT HAT
JAMIE HOLT /
ADAM BUTT // THE FAT HEAD
Robert M. Gates Hall to be renamed Robussy M. Gates Hall says W&M admin
Gates exposed for connection to twinkism, love affair with Henry Kissinger revealed
FROG THEY TURNED GAY IN CRIM DELL
THE FAT HEAD
Many problematically named buildings to be renamed amidst College of William and Mary’s administration getting cancelled by even their white finance bro students. When the Flat Hat reached out to the administration for comments about the reason behind this renaming, they simply replied, “What more do you want from us” and “Damn it, I hate these woke ass kids.”
Robert M. Gates Hall to be renamed Robussy M. Gates Hall in deference to the twink community, which new evidence links Gates to. The chancellor has recently been out as a power bottom in his youth, being involved in an intense affair with other previous College chancellor, Henry Kissinger. In light of this new discovery, other buildings have been renamed. Lemon Hall is to be renamed Henry Slayinger Hall in commemoration of their groundbreaking and brave relationship.
These renamings were done without the consultation of Student Assembly, Asian American Student Initiative, the Committee for Contextualization of Campus Landmarks and Iconography or any other groups who have pushed for renaming buildings. Nor were there any financial incentives in the form of major donations or bribes.
Despite rumors of Gates slutting himself out to the top, students are excited to welcome thor
new icon of white boy homosexuality. With the realization of his queer identity, the College has found a new ally in their fight against students discontent with another colonizer on a building name. The Lambda Alliance and white queer people
in general have thrown their full support behind the chancellor, citing him as a queer trailblazer. This has sparked new debates within the international relations department over whether Kissinger and Gate’s various crimes and colonialisms
across the globe were actually committed to furthering gay rights. This seems to be the argument that many are making as the regimes the Kissinger toppled did not allow gay marriage and were too focused on having food to eat.
To do our due diligence, the Flat Hat has reached out to one single person of color for comment. They replied, “So I fear that is pink washing :(.”
The College administration has not responded to this allegation, nor to the controversy of replacing Lemon’s name with Henry Slayinger.
These renaming come after only five minutes of deliberation at the board of visitors meeting despite the civil rights protest happening right outside. The documentation presented before the board consisted of one photo of Gates and Kissenger kissing at a Queen concert.
Though the student representative raised issues of the image being AI, the board members did not understand that Kissinger did not have six fingers. In addition to the photo, College administration submitted one written document for deliberation.
It read, “They’re gay, so they can’t be racist. This will shut the queers right up” The plaques for both Robussy M. Gates and Henry Slayinger Hall will be unveiled later this week with an anatomically correct depiction of the two in a passionate embrace curtesy of the College’s visiting artist.
New survey data says: we are problematic, gay, poor, ran through, washed up
In a new highly scienti c survey issued by the fat head shows shocking results. In an attempt to kiss administration’s ass and really lean into the whole data science AI circle-jerk that seems to be going on right now on the planet Earth. When posed with important questions about the state of free speech in upper education, the value of their undergraduate experience, and the threats facing the humanities, survey respondents reveal that they don’t really give a shit about any of that, and are more interested in eradicating bees from campus and organizing protests against increases to iced vanilla latte prices at local cafes.
With a record seven (7) responses to the google form we made and put in only our sta group chat, it is shockingly found that 100% of William and Mary students are involved with the Fat Head or student journalism at large. Survey respondents report being terri ed of moving on from undergrad and desperately nostalgic for the false security ensured by a meaningless position on a college newspaper–sad. Responding to the announcement that from now on a B.S. in Data Science will be the only degree awarded by the college because “if you don’t know how to use python what the fuck even
CAN you do” survey takers decided that sitting around and reading french poetry was a better use of our time than actually solving any problems, probably because none of them know how to do math and get frightened anytime their professors show them a bar chart. Completely unprompted, one respondent revealed that they installed a new glory hole in the Muscarelle expansion, and another claimed that “White people have no eye colors.” I don’t know what the fuck that means, but it seems important. In other news, despite 80% of survey respondents saying “y” to “do you like me y/n?” I am still alone. is just shows you that you can’t trust these bitches for anything. Despite this backstabbery, this highly scienti c poll provides us with a glimpse into the priorities of the Flat Hat this year (in the case that they get any funding). “Miles Mortimer” named as one of the biggest threats to the paper, and “the many bees” coming in a close second. Since they never have any original ideas, they are desperately trying to sneak their way into a signal groupchat, but they don’t really get that just constantly asking Katherine Rowe if they can add “NOT A JOURNALIST” isn’t really getting them anywhere. For more breaking data journalism analysis, go to a di erent school.
William & Mary Introduces Emotional Support Geese, Immediate Panic Ensues
if youʼre stressed: students now find comfort (and fear) in swarms of
In an ambitious (and possibly regrettable) attempt to support student mental health, William & Mary has launched a new Emotional Support Geese program. Inspired by rising stress levels and an already overwhelming campus goose population, the initiative seeks to pair struggling students with their own “comfort goose” for emotional support.
The geese, however, did not agree to this.
“We noticed that students were already forming strong, often terrifying bonds with the geese— mainly through high-speed chases across the Sunken Garden,” said former wellness baddie Kelly Crace. “So instead of fighting it, we’re embracing it. These geese are loud, mildly aggressive, and now officially part of campus life. Just like our students.”
Students can ‘adopt’ a goose for emotional support, though the goose legally retains the right to attack them. In addition, the geese provide companionship by honking, biting, and stealing your lunch while making unwavering eye contact. Therapy Goose Sessions are available at the counseling center, but only if you can catch one.
Sophomore NLE Choppa, an early adopter, proudly declared, “My goose, Greg, has already changed my life. He walked me to class, bit my roommate, and stole my coffee. I’ve never felt more seen. Greg has this way of staring into my soul when he steals my lunch. It’s like he understands me on a deeper level. Sure, sometimes he pecks at my ankles when I try to leave for class, but I’ve learned that you don’t really leave Greg. Greg leaves you. And then maybe comes back for your shoes.”
Freshman Jacob Sartorius, however, was less enthusiastic: “My goose honks aggressively every time I try to cry. I think it’s helping, but I also think I have PTSD. Yesterday, I tried to take a nap in the library, and it just stood there, staring at me, waiting for me to drop my guard. Every time I doze off, I wake up to a honking symphony and a half-eaten sandwich. Honestly, I don’t know if I need therapy, or if I’m just being
stalked by a feathered assassin.”
Not all faculty are on board, either. Professor Kris Jenner attempted to lecture against the program, only to be forcibly
explained, adjusting her glasses as she winced. “I tried to teach the students about the importance of boundaries, but Harold kept chasing me in circles. There’s
so much passive-aggressive honking a professor can endure.” Harold, of course, had no comment on the matter, but
sources confirm that he has taken to spending his free periods in the faculty lounge, eating all the snacks and avoiding eye contact with anyone who suggests a more traditional approach to student wellbeing.
Despite the chaos, the administration insists the program is a success. In fact, there are already expansion plans for next semester, including Emotional Support Squirrels for students who thrive in complete unpredictability, erapeutic Possums for late-night existential crises, and Comfort Wasps for students who claim they “work best under pressure.”
“It’s all about meeting the diverse needs of our student body,”
explained Vice President of Student Affairs, Nancy Sharp.
“Some students want emotional support. Some students want chaos. We’re here to provide both.” However, rumors of future
additions to the Emotional Support Animal program have raised some concerns among the student body. One particularly vocal group has called for the introduction of Emotional Support Bears, claiming that only the warmth of a bear’s embrace can truly address their sense of existential dread. “I mean, what’s more comforting than the idea of a bear softly cradling me while I nap on the quad?” said senior Zoe Kravitz. “If it’s good enough for Winnie the Pooh, it’s good enough for me.” Until then, students are encouraged to bond with their geese and run as fast as possible when necessary. According to an anonymous source within the administration, a study is already underway to determine how fast the average student can outrun a goose. “We’re just gathering the data for now,” the source said, “but early results indicate that a sense of dread significantly increases your sprinting speed.” In the meantime, the geese continue to reign supreme over campus, leaving their mark on students, faculty, and anyone brave enough to venture near the
removed from her podium by a goose named Harold, who has since been given tenure. “It was a hostile takeover,” Jenner
only
Sunken Garden.
JAMIE HOLT / THE FLAT HAT Ok but he kinda secy tho
