Is sex with an ai Chatbot real sex?

by Dan Savage

> MY FIANCÉ HAS A FOOT FETISH, AND HE HATES IT. CAN YOU TELL HIM IT’S HARMLESS AND IMMUTABLE?

Harmless! Immutable! Also, we’re living in the golden age of foot-fetishist representation—from the conniving, murderous, unctuous Ser Larys Strong on HBO’s House of the Dragon (prestige television!) to the sweet, goofy, traumatized Jimmy on TLC’s MILF Manor (trash television!), guys with a thing for feet are suddenly all over our screens. And as kinks go, there are far… well, I don’t want to say worse fetishes. Let’s just say there are fetishes that are far harder to explain, far riskier to attempt, and that a vanilla partner is far less likely to happily indulge you in.

> WOULD YOU CONTACT AN EX AFTER A YEAR TO ASK HOW THEY ARE?

Depends on the ex, depends on the breakup, and depends on where we left things. If the ex was a genuinely nice person that I liked, I might be inclined to reach out. If I experienced the breakup as amicable and I have every reason to believe my ex did too, I might be inclined to reach out. And if the last time we talked we both said we would be open to being friends in the future, I might be inclined to reach out.

> ARE YOU EXPERIENCED WITH CHASTITY?

I have tried on a cock cage—once a philosopher—but the idea of having my cock locked up for an extended period of time doesn’t appeal to me.

> IS SEXTING REAL SEX OR MUTUAL MASTURBATION? IS SEX WITH AN AI CHATBOT REAL SEX OR MASTURBATION?

The American Psychological Association defines “mutual masturbation” as a “sexual activity in which two individuals stimulate each other’s genitals at the same time for the purpose of sexual gratification.” (Emphasis added for, well, emphasis.) Since you can’t touch someone else’s junk via sext message, sexting wouldn’t count as mutual masturbation. It’s a shared erotic experience, and one many people in monogamous relationships would consider cheating, but it’s not a sex act. And while you can certainly stimulate your own genitals as you swap messages with an AI chatbot, that’s not fucking. That’s typing.

> HOW DO I GET MY LIBIDO BACK? I’VE LOST IT TO SSRIS AND BOREDOM.

Talk to your doctor about adjusting your meds—advocate for your own libido—and then talk to your partner about breaking out of your sexual rut(s). If you’re always having sex with the same person, in the same place, at the same time, and in the same way, try having sex with someone else, someplace else, at some other time, and in some other way. If you aren’t allowed to have sex with anyone else, then have sex someplace else, at some other time, and in some other way with your partner. And if the only person you’re allowed to have sex with (or want to have sex with) isn’t willing to give other places, times, and ways a try, well, breakups are never boring.

> CAN SOMEONE BE BAD AT CUDDLING? Yes.

> HOW DOES ONE FIND SPACE FOR MASTURBATION WHEN LIVING TOGETHER WITH VERY LITTLE ALONE TIME?

One takes long showers, one gets up early or goes to bed late, one seizes opportunities as they present themselves, e.g., partner has a doctor’s appointment, partner is out with friends, partner is locked in the storage unit in the basement.

> WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL ASHAMED IN ORDER TO COME?

Because that’s what turns you on. But just like women who need vibrators in order to come shouldn’t feel ashamed, and men who need tit play in order to come shouldn’t feel ashamed, dirty little sex perverts like you who need to feel ashamed in order to come shouldn’t feel ashamed either… despite being the kind of dirty little sex pervert who gets off on feeling you out. I was too scared as you were also with your friend. I regret it and have been thinking about the encounter all week. I hope we meet again one day.

From F to F

GIRL IN THE GREEN JACKET AT INDIGO ROBSON

I instantly saw you when I walked into the Indigo on Robson Street. Your green jacket and beautiful light brown curly hair caught my eye. My path coincidentally followed yours in the store. At one point we were very close and you bumped into me. You apologized and I blushed, saying it was okay. I was instantly drawn to you. Our paths kept crossing. I wanted to give you my number and ask

When: Wednesday, January 25

Where: Indigo on Robson Street

WE BOTH HAD INFUSIONS AT THE SAME TIME

We were both having infusions in Richmond at the same time. We chatted and I admired your Doc Martens. I said they made you look taller and you said I knew your secret. Not all of them. We talked about Chinese New Year, and I showed ashamed, you dirty little sex pervert.

> I’M A 40-YEAR-OLD MAN AND I’M ABOUT TO BE SINGLE AGAIN. HOW DO I APPROACH DATING?

With a sense of wonder and anticipation—also, a real appreciation for your luck, as your timing could not be better. You don’t mention your sexual orientation, but the world is suddenly full of men and women—some your own age, some significantly younger—who are all about dating, fucking, and possibly marrying daddies, e.g., hot men in their 40s and 50s. Make sure you are respectful, leave ‘em in better shape than you found ‘em, and have fun.

> IS IT WRONG TO WATCH INCEST SCENARIOS IN PORN?

I fear this is a trick question designed to make me say something that could be construed as positive about incest. So, for the record: as a person with siblings, parents, step-parents, aunts, uncles, etc., and a vivid and very visual imagination, blech blech blech. With that out of the way…

If watching incest porn troubles you, ask yourself why you’re watching it. If incest scenarios are your kink, well, then you’re going to keep watching incest porn. But if you’re watching incest porn because it’s transgressive and taboo and it feels wrong, well, there’s lots wrong sexual scenarios that are portrayed in porn and erotica that you might enjoy just as much and feel a little less shitty about what you are “consuming.” GS you a red envelope in my pocket. May I see you again, not when we are being infused?

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From M to F

When: Wednesday, January 18

Where: At the infusion place in Richmond

GRANVILLE ISLAND PUBLIC MARKET

You were by yourself, I think. You wore light blue jeans and black shoes with tall wedge-like heels. You had beautiful dark hair. I wasn’t sure if you caught me checking you out…

From M to F

When: Saturday, January 21

Where: Inside the public market