Fir st Ever Full Week: Alums Claim College Colossal Failure Star ts 'At College' Page 3 Page 10
Special Edition
Dining With: Tide Pods Page 12
Has Anyone Seen M y Chromebook? Page 15
ThE STuDeNt NewSpApER oF sT. JoE's pReP
Duncan Waite vs. John Cena Page 18
Apr il 1, 2018
(Photo: Vaccaro's )
M R. L EO VACCARO '05 CAUGHT EM BEZZL I NG HAWK EYE FUNDS
With the famed history teacher having fled the Prep, and with police on his tail, one can only assume where his schemes will take him next. Full story on Page 2.
Students For get to Char ge Chromebooks Ten Plagues of Egypt Soon to Come By David M cCabe '19
cess so far.
With the institution of the Chromebook 1:1 Initiative starting in the fall of 2015, some responsibilities came to the students that would accompany the privilege of having a semi-functioning laptop.
A daily responsibility of the Prep student was to have their Chromebook charged every day when he came to school. On the first day of school this year, every single Prepper actually had forgotten to charge their Chromebook. When Nate Aiken ?19 was asked why he did not charge his learning tool, he said ?Yeah, I lost my charger freshman year, so there?s really nothing I can do.?
One of these responsibilities was to take care of the ?computer? because it would be the same student's for all four years of their Prep career. In a prompt act of either civil disobedience or outright rage, students began mutilating their Chromebooks with the fervor of crazed apes. ?Chromies,? as they have been affectionately nicknamed, began flying off the mezzanine above the Kelly Fieldhouse even or snapped in half. So the initiative was a suc-
To address this problem, Dean of Students, Mr. Greene decided to call upon the ancient powers of the Jesuits who used to walk the halls of the Prep. He comments, ?The students need to realize that there will be consequences for their actions. (Continued on Page 5)
Once so unassuming and exciting, who could have foreseen the strife Chrome nation would cause?
2 | News
Vaccaro '05 Embezzling Funds (Cont.) By M arco Sammar tino '18 It is common knowledge that criminals often try to best their own heists, seeing if they can inflict more harm on the community. This pattern of behavior is often exhibited in the dastardly, the mentally unhinged, and the downright evil villains of society. Mr. Leo Vaccaro ?05 could be grouped into any of these descriptions.
As many will recall, last year the marauder was exposed for being involved in a Ponzi scheme using Hurtado funds. One would think that he has learned his lesson after that public embarrassment. But no, instead he has decided to ?go hard or go home?. The Hawkeye can exclusively report that Mr. Vaccaro is embezzling Hawkeye funds in order to finance the purchase of a Santa Monica ?palace?.
The house, which sits at 595 E Chanel Road, Santa Monica, California is listed for $16.9 million on Zillow.com. That?s a hefty price to pay, and Mr. Vaccaro is ready to close on the property by whatever means necessary. To understand the mind of this felon it is essential to look at his past. In a recent interview, I had the chance to try to comprehend the complex mind of our suspect. (Photo: St. Joe's Prep Security)
When asked what about the first crime he ever committed, Mr. Vaccaro said, ?I parked illegally and the Philadelphia Parking Authority caught me red- handed.? So, run- ins with the law are nothing new. However, he equally enjoys sneaky crimes that are harder to detect: ?I also forgot to rewind a VHS once before I returned it to Blockbuster,? he claims. Realizing that this confession makes him appear even less human, he quickly tries to cover it up. ?This comment makes me seem ancient; I'm 31 years old.? Don?t fall for his attempt to seem normal; we all know Blockbuster is the remnant of an archaic civilization. Only a seasoned criminal would know about it. Disgusted with discovering his previous endeavors, I asked Mr. Vaccaro the big question: why embezzle funds to pay for this piece of fine real estate? His answer was as selfcentered as one could expect.
Mr. Vaccaro can be seen here creeping swiftly to escape with his loot. All of the money his rather clichĂŠ bag is directly from the Hawkeye's budget. The smile on his face indicates the lack of regret he has for his crime.
?Who wouldn't want to live in a Santa Monica palace? Views of the Ocean, a short trip to the Getty Villa, I can hang out with all my celebrity friends. There's a British restaurant there (Ye Olde King's Head) that serves a $19 beef, lamb or vegetarian roast, served with roasted potatoes, gravy, roasted root vegetables and Yorkshire Pudding; it's amazing!? After this mind- bogglingly vain answer, I addressed a sep-
arate issue. As many rumors have stated, The Hawkeye is indeed bankrupt. Ever wondered how? Look for the man wearing a Vincent van Gogh tie on the 5th floor of Jesuit Hall and ask him. The voice of the school, the bastion of student journalism, the source of happiness for many, The Hawkeye, is on the brink of extinction due to the actions of one man consumed by greed. I asked him if he ever thought about that. ?If I could do it again, I would. I'll sleep easy in my mansion,? he states smugly. Despicable. So it seems that student journalism at the Prep will die a slow painful death as this sociopath slowly drains all funding in order to appease his personal desires. But, there must be hope, surely. The authorities will apprehend Mr. Vaccaro and he will be tried for his crimes, right? I asked him if he was prepared to face the punishment once the FBI finally caught up with him. His answer? ?No rich man has ever died in the electric chair.? The funeral mass in remembrance of The Hawkeye will be held at 595 E Chanel Rd; date is to be announced.
News | 3
Fir st Full Week in School Histor y: Colossal Failure seemed scrumptious!
With the onslaught of snowstorms, a 5-day school week is hard to come by. The first full week proved to be a dismal failure for maintenance, faculty, and especially the students. All who entered the lugubrious halls were overwhelmed with an intense feeling of depression, sadness, and even exasperation. To try to put an end to this horrible state, the school implemented the ?St. Joseph?s Prep Schoolwide Day of Happiness.? To start things off, SAGE dining introduced another buffet, this time riddled with greasy food that somehow managed to make your intestines feel as if you swallowed an entire colony of fire-ants. Some various quotes from the students were: ?It was great. I love cafeteria food. It tastes delicious,? ?I liked the fruit,? and ?Someone get the nurse. What do you mean she?s not here today?? Needless to say, the food
Besides the buffet, the choir went caroling through the halls, singing some classic Gregorian chant. When asked about the experience, a freshman, who begged to be referred to as ?Glenn ?Hurricane? Schwartz,? said ?Personally, I?m a fan of caroling, but I was trying to take a test. It also doesn?t help that I was trying to study in the library and everyone was kicked out because a person started cawing like a tortured pheasant.? Although some people clearly disliked the caroling, many enjoyed it. One particular faculty member, who asked to remain nameless, said ?Caroling is an important part of everyday life. In fact, I sing through the halls everyday. It makes people, including me, happy.? One of the most thrilling parts of the day was when the plans for the new renovations were finally announced to the student body. Large pictures of
the plans were hoisted in the foyer and then immediately lowered after it was realized that the plans would not actually be completed for another 2-3 extra years, possibly more. In fact, some students marvelled at the mystery surround-
construction
In an interview with Time Magazine, John "Pickles" McClorey ?20 led the charge, saying ?We sat down to think of how we could best give back to the school that has given us so much? and, after a few weeks of brainstorming, Liam [Wilson ?19] blurts out
(Photo: Doglord I x '18)
After years of fundraising and planning, the Prep has finally been able to complete the much-needed renovations to its formerly outdated facilities. Closing out the initial four- year plan three years early, a group of students decided to volunteer their own time to assisting the already-
overworked team.
?Pineapple!?and we just stuck with it.? It took two months to finally get an approval from the Board of Trustees, but, with the help of the maintenance staff and the guiding support of the English Department, McClorey and his team were able to install the new urinals in the second floor bathroom. Building off of the classic model for mounted toilets, the new design comes equipped with state- of- the- art flushmufflers and a water- wicking pineapple freshener to ward off any and all nasty scents. This marks the end of a long, demanding period of positive cosmetic growth at the school. Even recent alums are having trouble recognizing the building that they?ve come to know so well. Mac Riga ?17, visiting the school on his Spring break from Georgetown, said ?The students did such a great job making these renovations. It?s so inspirational what Preppers can do when they?re given the resources.? He is part of growing group of alums to have happily christened the new urinals.
Students made hefty contributions to the recent renovations. [Photo redacted]
The grand finale of the socalled ?Prep Day of Happiness? was an ?exciting? math competition, held in the Kelly Fieldhouse and instituted by
the Math department. Students were thrilled, as evidenced by their tears (of joy) and pained grins. The day seemed to conclude in a jubilant manner, as students sprinted towards every possible exit, screaming happily.
The carnage that the five day week left behind will forever leave a mark on the school.
Renovations Finished By L iam Gr ugan '19
ing the renovations, and even went as far as to claim it was ?suspenseful.?
(Photo: The Fire '66)
By M ar cus M ur phy '20
The full impact of these changes is not yet known, but admissions is already reporting a 25 percent increase in enrollment._Way_to_go,_guys!
Teacher Caught in Dress Code By Ned Bur ke '19 On March 12, 2018, the entire Sauter Dining Hall bore witness to undoubtedly the rarest sight in Prep History. One of the teachers was in full dress code. On this fateful day, Mr. Kravetz walked through the dining hall in a shirt, tie, jacket, belt and appropriate shoes. Jaws dropped. Cafeteria trays hit the floor. A hush, interrupted only by the chirp of some inexplicably placed crickets filled the room. Rumors of this momentous occasion spread like wildfire. Further investigation from multiple eyewitnesses who were present in the Dining Hall and security cameras around the school have confirmed this siting to be true. Students in the entire math department accomplished even less work than usual that day due to their shock. A few students even visited their respective guidance counselors because they thought they were going crazy to think that a teacher was in dress code. The memory of this event is still fresh in the minds of many students. One senior recalls, ?A lot of really, really rare things have happened in my time here
like the eclipse, the Eagles winning the Super Bowl, or a member of student council fulfilling one of his campaign promises. But this? I never thought I would live to see this. Honestly, I thought I was hallucinating.? A freshman who was also present at the event states, ?This whole time I didn?t even know that the teachers had a dress code. For awhile, I thought Mr. Kravetz was just an older looking senior.? This was an opinion shared by many as Kravetz was asked several times where his Student ID was. In the aftermath of this event, many students question if they will ever see a teacher in dress code ever again. Many students are asking, ?Are the teachers now trying to take dress code more seriously, or do they simply want to be as cool as us?? It may be another generation until an event such as this occurs again. One thing that is certain is that this story will be a legend that will forever live forever in the memory of current Prep students and faculty. Students that were present will someday tell their children and grandchildren of that one fateful_day.
"I didn't know what to think. I saw him walking through and my whole life and world and understanding of the Prep was shaken at the core. I t was whack. A teacher ... practicing the laws he enforced? Chaos!" - Joe Scott '19
4 | News
By M att Phillips '18 A recent decision from the Prep administration to start holding students accountable for their Community Period whereabouts was long overdue. After all: we track students during their free periods and lunch periods, right, guys? Similarly, the administration has proven with this recent directive that the Prep?s goal of turning boys into men is alive and well here at 17th & Girard. However, no one could have foreseen the events that would come to pass this past Thursday, when some 372 students were herded, with cattle- like prowess, into the MultiPurpose Room for their continued refusal to sign up for a Community Period offering. Three students were conscripted into dragging a small piece of construction scaffolding from the Prep theater into the MPR, which was then used as a pulpit for Mr. Randy Monroe, Herder- in- Chief. Monroe rebuked the students for their actions and stated that he would deprive them of all trips to the vending machines or bathrooms for the period. As Monroe?s words traveled through the echo chamber of the MPR, and fluorescent
lights blared down upon the 372 students - - deprived of food, water, and the ability to nap -- anyone could have predicted that disaster was about to strike. Indeed, as Monroe ducked out of the MPR to deal with some ?coaching business,? students were seen shutting the doors into the English Department?s hallway, the kitchen, and the pool, where two students were currently floundering at the new Community Period offering, Self- Taught Swimming Lessons. (?At least we know where they are,? one administrator remarked.) Quickly and with little hesitation, Ronan Egan ?18 climbed to the top of the scaffolding and proclaimed himself leader of the 372. He was greeted with wild applause as students hurled their snacks and empty water bottles toward him as a burnt sacrifice. Egan then ordered the students to use the volleyball and track equipment, along with the plethora of cushy mats, to block staff from re- entering the room. As Community Period ended and staff found themselves unable to enter the MPR and reprimand the students, Egan directed the resources of the Hurtado Food Pantry to be taken out of the snack bar and shared among
(Photo: Ronan Egan)
JUG'd Students Commit " L or d of the Flies"
Students in JUG on Thursday proudly pose around their leader, Ronan Egan '18. the students. ?It was the best meal I ever had,? remarked Jack Thorell ?19 in the aftermath. ?I never realized you didn?t need to cook mushroom soup in order to enjoy it.? As some enjoyed lunch from the pantry, others climbed onto the roof of the snack bar and hurled their Chromebooks off the edge, smashing them apart on the hardwood floor. In the aftermath of this incident, the Prep?s Technology Department has released a statement that any student who smashed their Chromebook with the case on
will receive a free replacement, but those who smashed them without the case will find themselves in Dante?s Sixth Circle come Friday morning.
of the brutal and senseless slaughter that was to come the following week, as the number of students in the MPR was depleted from 372 to 343.
Evidently, some were not as pleased as Thorell about the food offerings, as things soon took a turn for the worse. A twenty- strong group of students, displeased by the Egan regime and its lack of microwaves and ovens, rose up against the newly-elected chief and his closest advisors. It would appear that Egan?s red tuxedo at the Mothers? Club Fashion Show was a harbinger
Thankfully, the remaining 343 students escaped from the MPR unharmed, except for perhaps a few stomach aches, and returned to school for their remaining three classes. We can only hope that the Admissions Office will keep this recent depletion of the Prep student body in mind when the time comes to offer admission to the Prep Class of 2023. To toil and not to seek for rest, indeed.
By Ronan Egan '18 In a desperate meeting to salvage money from alumni in order to keep the Hawkeye from its inevitable bankruptcy, the Hawkeye editing staff met in front of the Alumni Board of Governors to plead their case. Things seemed to be going great for the first half of the meeting. The editors made valid points, answering the difficult questions posed by the alumni with aplomb. That is, until The Incident came. When people hear ?The Incident,? they may think of Tonya Harding?s plot to take out Nancy Kerrigan?s knee with a lead pipe, or perhaps the Patriots deciding to deflate footballs in order to win the AFC Championship game in 2015. However, when I hear these horrific words uttered I can do nothing but think of Liam Grugan ?19 dropping an F-bomb in front of an audience of potential investors for our prestigious newspaper. Grugan became caught up in the heat of the moment, which he claims led to his outburst. He seized control of the stage and cried out: ?Yo, what the ______?? The moment went by so quickly that it is possible to have missed it. That is, until the awkward silence that followed. Laughter broke out
among those in the crowd, shocked and appalled by the language of His Holiness, Liam Grugan. While the alumni laughed it off, the other editors did not seem as thrilled. Dave McCabe ?19 believes that disciplinary actions need to take place, claiming that it was ?like a car crash: just so bad that you can?t look away. Never have I felt such disdain for a Prep student in my years here. I call for immediate expulsion.? Many students have supported McCabe in his quest to expel Grugan, who is currently drafting a letter that he hopes will be able to compel the school to complete this task. Although McCabe has a vivid memory of what happens, others do not have this luxury. Senior Editor Marco Sammartino ?18 tells a different account: ?Once he dropped that f-bomb nothing was the same: the alumni present were frozen in place, Mr. Vaccaro fainted and dropped from the second floor of the library, whole cities burned down. I do not remember any more after that, as the shock of the moment send me into a coma.? While he has since risen from his coma, Sammartino is still shocked by the moment. Unlike McCabe, Sammartino
(Photo: Saint Joe's the Prep)
Gr ugan '19 Cur ses Before Alumni Boar d
This picture of Grugan '19 and his dirty mouth was snapped in the fateful moment that defined The Hawkeye and the Prep for years to come. believes Grugan has become a political activist of sorts, breaking down the language barrier between the vastly different adults and students that roam the Prep. The Liam Grugan incident has become an iconic moment
at the Prep this year, yet in more than one way. Some rally behind the leader, who initially refused to comment, but later said, ?Yeah, I know, I?m a big deal. I?m leaving my mark.? However, his opposition still remains steady in their claim
he should be forced out. The school is still deciding his fate, which apparently will be done in the form of the traditional, Roman-style thumbs up/thumbs down. One thing is certain: nothing is the same.
News | 5
Students For get to Char ge Chromebooks (Continued from Front Page) Wait, why isn?t your ID on? That?s a JUG.? Objectively unfair disciplinarian Dean Greene has decided to call upon the Plagues of Egypt to wreak havoc in the halls of the Prep. ?I don?t want any first born children to die or anything like that, so, instead, I?ve modified the waves of plagues to something that would specifically affect Prep students. First, the bathroom sinks will stop working. Then, I will blast J- Hall with a heat wave, but chill down Villiger
Hall to uncomfortable temperatures. Next, students will find themselves getting random JUGs when they refuse to use the Prep?s new app, well, website. If none of those work, Prep students will find their precious library closed for no apparent reason or even mandatory assemblies during the new Community 50 Minutes. These kids have just got to charge their Chromebooks. Why is your ID not on yet? That?s another JUG.?
charge their Chromebooks before they come to school so that way they have the same textbook both online and the real version in their backpacks in its full seven pound glory. But still, inevitably the everresilient Prep student will be unaffected by most of these measures and instead of adhering to the rules, figure out ways around them. For example, Preppers often think that they will be able to simply use the extra chargers that are in the library. Ms. Nelson comments, "We don?t even have any spare chargers!" The
It seems like unusually cruel Dean Greene has his plan to crack down and get students to
library is actually filled with plenty of spare chargers specifically for students who have forgotten to charge their Chromebooks at home. Ms. Nelson was discovered last week to be slowly making a giant lasso to catch anyone who talks in the library. Sixteen students have been reported missing in the past two weeks. An investigation into the efficiency of Chromebooks shows that, on average, they are able to last for 7 minutes after a full charge.
The Prep released an official statement on the topic saying, "The Prep believes this is plenty of time for a student to effectively use his computer throughout the day. The future lies with technology but we also would like our students to simaltaneously be detached from the epidemic that is teens getting too much screen time. These goals are in no way contradictory." The Prep will be adding "Technologically Responsible" to the Grad at Grad next year.
Bur rough '19 Discovered to be Paj ama-Eating M oth We all know the Boy?s Pajama Drive that comes to St. Joseph?s Prep every year, founded by the kind, gentle, and studious Junior William ?Bubba? Burrough. Every fall for the past three years, there have been announcements made in the mornings, bins put in the foyer, and donations of outgrown pajamas to those in need, simple as that. But where do these pajamas really go? For years, I sat idle, like a fat cat, content with my donated pajamas, until one day, I was roused from that complacent rest. I observed Bubba eating lunch in the cafeteria, as I had many times before, but this time I notices something different. I noticed a square piece of felt, like that of a boys pajama article, in his lunchbox. ?A napkin?? I pondered, but nary a napkin was to be had at this feast, for Bubba quickly gobbled up the entire felt square in one fell swoop. As soon as I stifled a yelp, I knew I was onto a hot story, a big scoop, and thus I decided to investigate further. That same weekend I rented a van marked ?Flowers? and loaded it with the latest sonar technology purchased directly from overseas arms dealers. I tracked Bubba to his home us-
ing my trusty copy of the Prep address book, only to arrive at a cave in the Pine Barrens. ?Curiouser and curiouser? I said to myself as I set up my stakeout. After many long hours of gathering data, shocking data, I can now present my discovery to you, the loyal truth seekers and readers of the Hawkeye.
to see what his mission was. As he explained to me, BubbaMoth sustains himself off cotton often found in clothing, and to avoid the awkward and financially irresponsible task of constantly buying cotton clothing, Bubba- Moth begat the Boys Pajama Drive and plucked our pajamas right out from under our noses as a ruse to harvest food.
It was apparent from the start that this cave was saturated with pajamas. They were everywhere. Pajama tops, pajama bottoms, onesies, footie pajamas, you name it, it was there. ?It looks like the haul from this year?s pajama drive? I muttered to myself. And then the real action started. I saw Bubba walk into the cave at about 5 PM, and what I saw next frightened and shocked me. Bubba was not really Bubba at all. ?Bubba? was, in fact, just the cover name, the shell, for a sinister being. After shedding off his ?Bubba? suit, the being is about 7 feet tall, and appears to be some sort of humanoid Mothman. Surprisingly, other than being a 7 foot Mothman, the Bubba being is exactly like the Bubba we all know and love, with the same voice, same ideas, and same personality traits, but? is just also a Mothman.
Over the course of the Pa-
jama Drive, Bubba-Moth gathers enough pajamas to feed himself for the whole year, and that?s about all. My conversation was actually very pleasant. We lounged in some premium La- Z- Boy easy chairs, and Bubba-Moth offered me a cup of coffee and a Lightning McQueen themed pajama top, which I ate out of courtesy (it wasn?t very good and needed more seasoning).
Now that I think about it, the whole thing wasn?t very sinister at all, and was much more like an ?ah ok, thats cool, I didn?t know that? moment. In light of my new discovery, I came to ask myself what it all means, how did I get here, and what is the wider social context of our ?PJs?. I don't know it all, but what I do know is that I don?t think I?ll stop donating pajamas, afterall, a Mothman?s_gotta_eat.
(Photo: Ned Burke '19)
By Sebastian Por reca '18
An artist's rendering of Bubba's alleged true form poised to take down an entire city for all of its pajamas.
I had the rare chance to confront Bubba- Moth in his cave
BREAK I NG: Student Found Singing at M ass By M att M ar hefka '19 Amongst rumors that have been pervading through the student body, one of them holds a palpable weight? a student has been seen singing
at mass. Eye witnesses have confirmed the singing resonated from the left side of the church, possibly Advisory 24, back in late December. Sadly, tracking down the culprit has (Photo: Mr. Raffa)
Somewhere in that sea of blue coats is a boy brave enough to be heard singing.
become irrational due to the absurdity that now students are not sitting with their homerooms. Conspiracy theorists proclaim that the Church of the Gesu has closed because of this excessive singing. The reasoning is that the extra vocal was strenuous enough to accelerate the multiple chips and cracks within the paint.
ter of seconds. By the time of the closing hymnal, tens of people were supposedly singing along. Many students have now been supporting the hypothesis that a contagious virus is to blame for such singing. Other sources believe this abundant singing is just the echo that bounces from the rafters.
This mystery continued with the mass of Ash Wednesday in the Kelly Fieldhouse. During the opening hymn, a cacophonous, proud vocal emerged from the middle of the gym floor. Witnesses have confirmed other voices were heard singing in unison within a mat-
The real assessment if there is at least one singer came from the most recent mass of ?The Solemnity of Saint Joseph.? The relocation of the mass back to the Church allows for optimal hearing, with no possible confusion arising due to echoes. Other than its
choir members, the processional hymn was matched by absolutely no voices. The only response Psalm 89 heard was from crickets. But finally, the most reassuring song came on, ?Be Not Afraid.? The one singer of which rumors have been circling around was going to finally breach the peace with his voice. In the ending moments of the song, nobody sang. Not a single voice was heard. The ending statement of what is to make of this, or even these, anonymous singers is that there has been none. Zip. Nada. Besides the choir, no one sings at mass.
6 | News
Prep Sophomore Caught in Dress Code By Jay Fogar ty '18
Clearly this issue is even bigger than originally thought. For the past several years, shoes have been a hot debate at the school. This year especially, with the Hypebeast leniencies and tendencies of the newly inducted Freshman Class, as well as many of the Sophomores, The Prep has seen a boom in its sneaker culture. Whether it?s Jordans on a dress down day or Air Maxes every day of the week, the culture is growing inside The Prep. All of this adds to the shocking nature of McHale?s decision. Why would he, at this time of growth and evolution in the Prep shoe community, do something as radical as wear a dress shoe? In order to gain a more complete understanding of the situation, I reached out to renowned uniform expert, Mr. Morrissey. I wanted to know what would lead McHale to explore the possibilities and test the limits on what
(Photo: Colin McHale '20)
In a bold move that shook the whole community, sophomore, Colin McHale wore a pair of brown leather oxfords to class on Friday, March 23rd. No one knows what prompted such a drastic decision. This choice from McHale strays from his usual Van?s brand ?Authentic? style of footwear. This begs the question of ?Why?? Why would he ever leave the safety and comfort of, Prep student favored, Van?s Footwear for the frightening and unknown territory of a dress shoe? So, let?s do some pros and cons for wearing such a shoe. Pros: Leather makes you look like a successful businessman. Cons: They?re scary.
footwear options a student can wear to school. Mr. Morrissey offered this enlightening response: ?Jay, it?s important to me that you understand that the dress code requires you to wear dress shoes. On that day, Mr. McHale was one of about forty kids, who actually was wearing the correct shoes. You understand? Jay, I feel like you?re nodding as if you understand, but you?ve been wearing those finger- shoes for the past month, and I really am not sure you have any comprehension of the dress code.? Maybe McHale wanted to make a statement. Maybe his deviation from the norms of shoe policy had reason. Earlier I raised a question regarding the odd timing of McHale?s decision, but perhaps this timing was everything. Perhaps McHale, fully understanding the high level the sneaker culture was gaining within The Prep, wanted to put the whole system on trial. In a culture where everyone is looking to have a new and individual sneaker, unique to themselves, nothing would be more unique than wearing a dress shoe. Perhaps it was an entirely artistic or satirical endeavor. I needed answers. Finally, I reached out to McHale with my many theories. ?Oh yeah no my mom just bought me a new pair of shoes for my cousin?s wedding, and I just wanted to break them in before wearing them that weekend,? was his answer. Thus, another mystery is put to rest by the Hawkeye, and the Prep community can move on in_comfort.
Colin McHale '20 is pictured with the Prep Hawk and a classmate, note both sophomores in full dress code.
Semester I I Senior Uses Community Hour to Not Sleep By Jay Fogar ty '18 In a bold and uncommon occurrence at The Prep, student Evan Matthews did not attend senior study hall during Community Hour on Tuesday March 20th. Instead, Matthews chose to explore one of the many club offerings. Something that might come as a shock to many a Prep student, there are actually club meetings and activities to do outside of nap in study hall, play basketball, or hide from the deans throughout the school. ?So, I just sort of went on ThePrepAppTM, and realized how many offerings there actually are. It?s insane! I?ve signed
up for something different every day this week,? says Matthews.
You know? Important stuff,? Matthews explains. Clearly, it is not just ?recess.?
The community hour has been criticised by many faculty as simply being, ?recess,? but is is ?simply recess,? if you play basketball or a board game for a full fifty minute break from class four days out of the week? Matthews doesn?t think so. ?I have been having fun and learning a lot from these clubs, so it can?t be recess. For example, I?ve learned how to properly tie a bob to your fishing line, what a paladin is and their weaknesses, and how to change a tire on the mountain bike I don?t have.
Matthews?s choice to engage in community hour actively, rather than the typical passive choice from most seniors, is not an ordinary one. Something that is recognized by Matthews. ?I?ve been feeling pretty bold all week. I used to just sort of chill in study hall and play Slither on my Chromebook, like everyone else, but, since they blocked that, I thought I?d give something else a try. Now look at me go! I can?t be stopped,? he exclaimed.
This newfound excitement in Community Hour might be just what the school needs to revive it. With so many students simply looking to play some basketball, or totally actually do their homework and not just sit on their Chromebook, Matthews is like a prophet, leading the students out of the desert towards the club sign ups. This bold string of Community Hours has garnered Matthews some recognition among the may clubs that he has attending. ?Yeah that one senior kid just keeps coming in and requesting that we teach him to hack. I?m not sure he
knows what we do here,? said one Computer Programming Club member. ?He?s never really come close to winning a game, and I?m not certain he really knows the rules of Dungeons and Dragons, but he has consistently shown up, so that counts for something I guess,? said Prep Dungeon Master, and hat enthusiast, Ron Spaide. While Matthews?s actions are not common, they certainly are commendable. It is always good to see a student actually participating in Community Hour. The Hawkeye salutes you, Evan.
News | 7
Senior Br ad Ehr lich Challenges Robot By Jay Fogar ty '18 The Prep Community is in for an absolute treat in a few weeks time. Senior Brad Ehrlich, known to many for his wicked sweet nunchuck trick videos, will challenge the Robotics Club?s contest robot in hand- to- hand combat. The challenge comes after Ehrlich?s witnessing of a Robotics Club meeting in which the team was preparing for an upcoming meet. Barging into the meeting, Ehrlich yelled, ?You know what? I?ll fight
this little jerk right now! Come on you little wheelboy! Step up to the plate,? as he removed his belt, whipped it on the floor, and wrapped it around his knuckles as a brace. In an later interview, Ehrlich stated, ?Yeah I saw that dumb robot smugly rolling around all good with his dumb little wheels all like ?oh look at me! I can pick up a cone!? Oh yeah, Mr. Robot? Well guess who has two thumbs and can do that too? This guy! [NB:
Brad pointed to himself at this time].? Clearly unimpressed by the club?s most recent model, meant to compete in a contest in which the robots gain points through picking up and moving various cones around, Ehrlich?s challenge is a first for the Robotics Club. ?Yeah the robots aren?t really meant to fight other robots or anything, let alone humans. They?re just supposed to do the function we?re tasked with assigning them, so we?re re-
ally hoping Brad isn?t actually gonna attack it,? said Robotics Club member Ron Spaide. But Brad is most definitely going to attack it. When asked how he will train for the fight, Brad had a very definite plan: ?I went out and bought UFC 3 on PS4, and I?ve been playing that a whole lot. I also feel I should be preparing for the potential electric element, so I?ve been wearing just socks around all day, and running my feet on the carpet to make sure I too (Photo: Dan McGill '19)
The pictured robot will be poised to take on its challenger, despite being made only to move small plastic cones.
By Jason M atter a '20 Amid all of the buzz and excitement surrounding the possibility of a Prep Dog, a shocking mistake was made that will alter the schools opinion on a pet was made. Three days ago, the Prep received a fifty foot fish tank in the back of a tractor trailer. We were told that there was an order mixup and we got a fully grown, twentyfive foot great white shark instead of a dog. The shark, who is named Sparky, can not be returned to the Indian Ocean because of shipping expenses. We have decided to put Sparky in the Prep swimming pool. The Prep also had to drain the chlorine in the pool and replace it with salt water. The trouble that arises now is feeding a fully grown Great White on the school budget. Robbie Calabro, a member of the swim team, said ?the tryouts of the varsity team should be decided by swimming with that shark and whoever survives is on the team,? but that idea was a little too extreme. Then a decision was reached to spend the money and have actual food for Sparky. Many were concerned about how Sparky would represent
the Prep. Some students have decided to build a tank for our new mascot and bring him to major school events. Finally, the Prep had to decide safety. Due to Sparky living in our pool, any member who enters the pool room, will be locked inside and the key to get out will be thrown into the pool. Also, this means that we are no longer having a swim team at the Prep because of our new mascot. The Prep is very excited to have our new shark to represent our school. One positive outcome of Sparky being at the Prep is the friendship between him and Dean Greene. Dean Greene even went to the Prep during our snow days to keep him company. Every morning at 6:30 a.m, he swims with the shark to make sure Sparky lives a happy and long life. Sparky and Mr. Greene have become very close, in fact he rarely leaves the Prep in fear of Sparky getting lonely. Mr. Greene is so fond of Sparky, that he even suggested that we change the school name to the St. Joseph?s Prep Sharks, instead of the hawks.
The fight is scheduled to take place on Tuesday, April 17. Ehrlich seems very confident in his chances in this fight, saying, ?In the end it won?t be guns or knives that takes down the mighty robot, but the humblest of God?s creatures: the Tyrannosaurus Rex.? This confidence was not shared by the Robotics club, who, when posed with the same question regarding their chances, answered, ?Yeah, again, the robots are not made to fight anything. Please do not try to fight our robot, Brad.? This is a fight the Prep community is eagerly awaiting, as embodied by this quote from another Prep senior, Jake Feehery, ?Yeah I?m just real excited to watch my buddy, Brad, slap that tinman jabroni around for a couple minutes.? WSJP anchor and copresident, Dan Avington, will be covering the fight on BlogTalk Radio, and had this to say, ?Yeah when comparing the chances of a 165lb human against a 25lb robot, whose only possible attack is picking up a cone, the choice for a winner is pretty conclusively always going to be the human.? This is shaping up to be one_good_fight.
I llegally-Par ked Car s Will be Towed to Zoo By Ned Bur ke '19
ing.
Page 32 of the student hand book states, ?The (student?s) car must be parked where assigned. Violators will receive consequences as determined by the Dean.? These consequences are about to get much more severe. Due to the increase of drivers over the last couple months, limited parking space, and increasing frequency of students boxing other students in, Dean Greene has decreed that starting after Spring Break, parked cars that are boxing other people in or cars that do not have a parking pass will be hot- wired, hijacked, and driven to the Philadelphia Zoo and left there.
Student Drivers have very divided opinions on this new rule. One anonymous junior states, ?As a man who has been boxed in countless times by incompetent drivers, I am a strong supporter of this new rule and I wish a long, hard journey to the Zoo for anyone who boxes me in.? There is also a great deal of anger directed at this new rule, particularly amongst the bad parkers. Senior Mike Canal has stated, ?If anyone touches my car, I will literally make it my life mission to ruin the rest of their
Students will be required to walk or find a ride to the Zoo parking lot and find out where their car was left by Dean Greene. The student will have to search one of the five lots (the Frog Lot, the Tiger Lot, the Giraffe Lot, the Hippo Lot, and the Parking Garage). This ensures that students will be penalized for bad parking, instead of simply skipping JUG. Mr. Greene will also leave the parking fee unpaid, requiring the student to pay the $16 fee charged by the Zoo for park-
life." Clearly, there are some very mixed feelings about this new rule amongst the student body. This new rule may seem harsh, but administration saw it necessary to fight the startling increase of incompetent drivers amongst the student body. With the increasing number of student drivers as the year progresses, this rule will most likely become more and more relevant. Many predict that more students will now resort to parking on the street to avoid any chance of having to take a trip to the zoo.
(Photo: Mac Riga, Jimmy Hegarty, and Alex Richey '17)
Say 'Hello' to the New Prep Shar k
am imbued with the power of electricity.?
The current punishment for a poorly parked vehicle is far less harsh.
8 | Features
Featured Shor t Stor y: " The Chromebook Bandit" By Paul K oenig '18 My name is Dr. Colleen McManus. I write to the reading public about my friend and colleague, Detective Kenneth Kiesel. My life has never been the same since first meeting the esteemed Ken Kiesel. Our friendship blossomed and I have now become his trusty companion and colleague, assisting him in the investigation of hundreds of intricate cases. However, the case that I write about now was our toughest, most elaborate case. It left Kenneth and me baffled at various points: however, Ken?s brilliant skills of deduction and his keen observations inevitably led us to the culprit.
?How goes it, Dr. McManus?? ?Well Kiesel. Well. I?ve been meaning to ask you, how did you solve the case of the Pink (Photo: Liam Grugan '19)
It was a brisk morning on the 5th of November back in the fall of 2014. Ken and I had just launched our 1:1 Technol-
ogy Initiative at St. Joseph?s Priory School. It was a plan that Kenneth and myself were very proud of and were very confident in its ability to enhance the learning experience of each Prep student. I made myself a cup of coffee, dropped my things off in my office, and made my way up to Kiesel?s office. I stopped outside his office before entering. I looked at his door sign reading, ?221B.? I could smell his cigar from the hallway and heard him playing Beethoven?s 5th on his violin. I stepped into his office. The air was musty and his furniture was furnished with a film of dust. He looked gaunt and deep in thought.
Detective Ken Keisel in his appartment complex. Call 215-277-CHROME to hire Kiesel for a personal case.
Lady?? ?It was elementary, my dear McManus,? he replied. Just then, a shriek was heard from John Groch?s room, a beloved professor of Religious Studies. Kiesel dropped his violin, threw on his coat and deerstalker cap, and rushed out of 221B. I followed close behind. We entered the classroom to find Groch at his desk. His computer had been stolen and his SmartBoard defaced. Kiesel was utterly baffled. He knew by Groch?s clothing that he was the nicest, most sincere man on the planet and that he was an avid fisherman by his fingernails, but none of these deductions led Kenneth any closer to a motive. There were no traces of the criminal besides what was left on the smartboard. There the burglar had spray painted in large bright yellow lettering, ? S L O B.? Kiesel and I returned to the confines of 221B. We were baffled. Kiesel deduced that the culprit had to be an adult, not a student due to the fact that it was far too early in the morning for any students to have arrived at 17th and Girard yet. Kiesel had yet to learn why the culprit targeted John Groch and what the significance of the letters, ?S L O B,? was. Just as Kiesel and I sat down to enjoy a nice cup of tea and go over the facts of the case,
we heard Ligia Baland, beloved professor of Modern Language Studies, exclaim, ?ยกDios Mio!? Kiesel and I exchanged a knowing look. We rushed out of 221B again to find a shock ridden Baland in her seat. On her desk sat her computer and Iphone, both smashed in by the likes of a cricket stick. Then, Kiesel noticed again the same four letters spray painted manically on her SmartBoard. Kenneth and I returned to his office. ?What do you make of it, McManus?? ?I am at a loss. A complete loss.? ?Well, we now know that the culprit is an adult. We know that this adult is not targeting anyone in particular. Also, we know that this criminal is not stealing with the hope of acquiring the technology. These acts are being done for the sole purpose of destroying the technology.? ?Amazing, Kiesel. Utterly amazing. Brilliant deductions!? Throughout the rest of the day, there were countless reports of stolen chromebooks and Iphones from both teachers and students alike. There were even more reports of smashed laptops and cellphones. The corridors and lavatories were littered with pieces of memory chips and chromebooks broken in half. Kiesel locked himself away in
221B playing the violin, thinking about those four letters: ?S L O B.? He could not get to the bottom of them and I was at a loss. Was it an acronym? Was it a secret society? Were they initials? At around 12:25pm I knocked on Ken?s door to see if he wanted to go down to the cafeteria for some lunch. He accepted the invitation and we made our way down the corridor. We passed by students and waved hello to Dave Fortin, who was making his way from J505 to 311 to teach class. That?s when it happened. ?Tuck your shirt in you slob!? Kenneth turned to me and smiled. ?It?s simply elementary, my dear McManus.? I was still unknowing as to what had happened. I followed Kenneth in a befuddled state to Albert Greene?s office. I listened as Kenneth explained the facts of the case to Al and described how he was certain that the culprit was none other than Mr. David Fortin. In the days following, Fortin confessed to his crime and justice was served. Another case cracked for the illustrious, the remarkable, the brilliant, Kenneth Kiesel. We are currently in the middle of another baffling case regarding the kidnapping of the Prep Dog. However, I assure you all, once Kiesel cracks the case, the solution will be simply
Student of the Year : M ax Coyne '21 By Fr ank Coyne '19 Through a totally objective and not in any way biased selection process, Max Coyne ?21, my younger brother has been chosen as the student of the year. Although he is a freshman, he has been a member of the Young Moderates club for three years and is currently their only member. He is
also a regular at meetings for the checkers club and has been spotted at Rutberg Furs across the street. Service is important to him and he often reads to the deaf in his free time. Academically, he is second to none. He is ranked above 10% of his classmates and his GPA is an impressive .40. He takes a number of challenging classes, including Honors Ad-
dition and Subtraction, AP Spelling, and Doodling 101.
Lawrence College, and Delco Community College.
He is a beast outside the classroom and has been selected All- American for his performance on The Prep?s newly founded curling team. There has been fierce competition among colleges to recruit him, the leading contenders are St. Olaf ?s college, Sarah
You will probably recognize him in the hallway because he is the only freshman wearing a senior sweater and fistbumping all the teachers. If you are looking for him, he can be found eating his lunch on the second floor of the library or casually walking through the halls while looking at his
phone. His fame goes beyond the walls of the school; he is such a celebrity that he was even chosen as Time Magazine?s Person of the Year in 2006. Because of all these accomplishments and not because of any monetary gift, The Prep is happy to recognize Max as the Student of the Year.
Prep Dog: Prep Cats Outr aged By Jay Fogar ty '18 War! As Chris Ix presses on to gain the elusive Prep Dog, much debate has been sparked within the prep. There are those who think the dog is a great thing, and those who are wrong and think it will somehow affect their day to day lives. However, as Ix works tirelessly to get the Prep Community on his side, no one has stopped to ask a pivotal part of this community how they feel. I, of course, am referring to the countless scores of Prep Cats. Known to many a prep student who drives to school
early, or leaves late, these cats are an essential part of our identity as a Jesuit School in North Philly. However, few students realize they are actually all pretty much our cats. I mean I?ve been petting them for years and only gotten the mange three times, and was only scratched once. Granted that one time did send me to the hospital with a staph infection that nearly resulted in the loss of my leg, but nevertheless, these cats are our friends. Legend has it the cats were actually the first ones to alert the fire department of the Great Prep Fire in 1966, as well as
the founding members of the WSJP Broadcasting Club. However, while Prep students typically assign these cats into one group, that could not be a more false outlook. These cats have their own subgroups, or prides as they are called in the feline world, that strongly influence their outlooks, particularly when referring to the Prep Dog. The infamous kitties of the Prep can be broken up into four main prides: The Cabot Lot Cat Crew, Flora Lot Felines, Guest Lot Gatos, and the Senior Lot Sphynx Society.
Each of these groups is greatly territorial, which results in a lot of fighting among the cat community of The Prep. Now we must ask ourselves, how do each of these groups feel about the Prep Dog? Short Answer? They are not fans. We all know Dogs and Cats are natural enemies. There has been much animosity throughout the course of history. Why even the hieroglyphics of ancient Sumer depicted great battles between cats and dogs, I assume. This means the prep cats are not thrilled about having one around. Now, the point
can be raised: what if the Prep dog is an exceptionally good boy. Believe me, friend, I too hope and thoroughly believe this boy is going to be one of the absolute best, but that does very little to assuage the concerns and fears of the greater cat community. Therefore, President Ix must move cautiously in his purchase of a dog, as he must make absolutely sure that this dog will be acquainted with the many prides of cats in order to assure that a treaty may be attained.
Features | 9 By L iam Gr ugan ?19
Under the direct orders of Mr. Vaccaro, David ?The Quaker? Haddad ?18 began to embezzle the funds provided by the school, all the while reporting only half of the profits made from the gang?s ambitious pull for outside advertising. He would then bury the untraceable bills collected from local pizza places in the backyard of one Daniel ?The Closer? Avington '18, Managing and Sports Editor, who would dig them up weeks later, once things had ?cooled down.?
In a frenzy over the recent discovery of its current budget of negative two thousand dollars, the Hawkeye?s rugged Editors- in- Chief, Matthew ?Slick? Phillips ?18, Marco ?Boppo? Sammartino ?18, and David ?Robert? McCabe ?19, have been collaborating with Mr. Leo ?Don Vaccorleone? Vaccaro ?05 to establish an underground crime organization in order to put the student newspaper ?back on top.? It began last Summer, when the ambitious trio and their crew of section editors/henchmen conspired to turn the very basic club into a cornucopia of student journalism by printing in color. Having set themselves in the fast- lane, the organization?s pure intentions were soon corrupted.
When asked to comment on his role in the developing crime ring, Avington replied, ?Shut uppa you face! I don?t know nothing? and slammed the door of his Montgomery County winter mansion. On the other side of the oper-
(Photo: Mafia, Mafiae, f, I llegal)
Bankr upt Hawkeye Explores Or ganized Cr ime ation, veteran goons Ronan ?Tough Ronny? Egan ?18 and Nick ?Big Guy? Palermo ?18, Entertainment and Features Editors, respectively, are accused of having bribed the dean to pass a blind eye as they smuggle fur coats for storage Sage?s freezer. The two have been seen threatening members of Student Council into giving the paper direct access to coverage of any and all school events. Junior editors, Joseph ?Slim Bean? Scott ?19, the paper?s News Section Editor, and Liam ?Steve Buscemi? Grugan ?19, Opinion and Debate Section Editor, have also allegedly planted illicit paraphernalia and copied homework in the backpacks of students who have denied interviews. In his February trial for tax evasion, Scott said in response: ?They
The crew meets to discuss one of their many upcoming business endeavors. don?t give us da news? Then we make a?da news.? An inside source claims that over Spring Break the group hopes to expand into a lucrative morning announcement gambling operation, and has
already employed fifteen sophomore ?bookies? to collect bets on who will be leading the school in prayer. Any unpaid dues will assumedly be handled personally by the section_editors.
Gener ic Club Still Exists By Joe Scott '19 If you find your way into the K Street Corridor during Community Hour on Tuesdays and ?F? Days, you?re likely stumble upon one of the many clubs this school has to offer. The Community Hour Club hosts a huge number of students, roughly 30, at each of its gatherings. Community Hour Club has existed for about ten years now, and has grown exponentially during those years. The
club?s moderator, Mr. Vaccaro says, ?Honestly, among the thousands of clubs that I moderate, this is by far my favorite. All the guys involved are just so passionate about the subject. It warms my heart to be able to provide students an extracurricular activity that really lets them do what they love.? As we approach May, the often sought after ?Activity of the Year? award is on the minds of many rising clubs, Community Hour Club not excluded. After learning about
how active the club is, it is easy to say however that all other clubs can stop hoping. Community Hour Club has the award in the bag. The group?s most obvious claim to fame is its existence. It cannot be stressed enough how much the club exists. They, like many other clubs at the Prep, have members, a moderator, and meetings. Sometimes, they even host events to attempt to involve the whole school. You can hear about these events on 8 ½? x
11? papers on one landing of every Villager Hall Stairwell as well as the morning announcements the day the event will take place. Community Hour Club has hosted events such as every other club meeting, or advisory. The president of the club is senior at the Prep, he speaks on how it has changes his time at the school. ?My years involved have really taught me a lot about myself. I learned that it is important to just be part of a club. Especially one that exists,
no matter how generic it is. I thank this club for all it has given me, those being generic acquaintances, something to do for 50 minutes some days, and an extra bullet point on my Common App.? The Community Hour Club is always open to new members, so come swing by a meeting. Maybe it can be your generic club that you go to sometimes when you have nothing else to do, after all, it does_still_exist.
The Hawkeye Staff M ad K ings
Same Job, Different Title
Scott Hibbs '19
Matt Phillips '18
Matt Brennan '18
Kevin Latu '19
Marco Sammartino '18
Simon Williams '18
Christian Locantore '19
David McCabe '19
Ned Burke '19
Nicholas Mattera '19
Robbie Calabro '19
Nick Rios '19
Chief Contr ar ian
Jacob DeAnnuntis '19
Ricky Weipz '19
Dan Avington '18
Christian Giuliani '19
Thomas Avington '20
Andrew Koh '19
Denis Gallagher '20
'I L ike Huge Headlines'
Matt Marhefka '19
Stephen Harrison '20
Joe Scott '19
Jack Thorell '19
Tyler Konrad '20
Carl Whittington '19
Jason Mattera '20 Marcus Murphy '20
Where's Nick Paler mo? Plebs
Rocco Spadea '20
Jake Feehery '18
Matthew Bae '21
M eme Suppor t
Riley Herriman '18
Maxwell Coyne '21
Ronan Egan '18
Paul Koenig '18
Matt McCarney '21
Anthony McTighe '18
Liam Stephens '21
Nick Palermo '18
K ing's Whisperer
Sebastian Porreca '18
Liam Grugan '19
Paul Stowell '18 Jay Fogarty '18
Assistant Embezzler
Nate Aiken '19
David Haddad '18
Frank Coyne '19
Guys Who Run the Simulation Mr. Leo Vaccaro '05 Mr. Brendan Kolon '13
10 | Features
Prep Alums Claim College Star ts 'at College' By M att Phillips '18 In this postmodern era of school exploration, St. Joe?s The Prep puts in a great deal of effort to make sure that parents are impressed by the school?s image upon their first tour. And impressed they are: big textbooks, even bigger bags under students? eyes, and my God, LAPTOPS! PERSONAL LAPTOPS?!? THIS IS AMAZING! Another fun quip in the ?make the Prep as similar to every other entirely academically- centered institution as possible at the expense of the mission? lexicon is the College Starts Here motto, which draws the big, beady eyes of parent upon parent throughout the year as a new
pipe dream is placed into their mind: their child could attend Drexel, or Georgetown, or Penn State, or perhaps -- gasp - Harvard. Studies have shown that your pupils can dilate as much as 50% when you see something you love, and this scenario is no different. However, crisis is soon coming to the Prep as some recent Prep graduates have claimed that, at least for them, college did not start during their four years at the Prep, but actually began in college. These alumni claim that the identity crises they suffered at various schools were brought about by their expectation that college had already started, when everyone around them believed that college had only just
begun. ?Yeah, it really messed with my mind,? says Jon Erdy ?17, former Editor- in- Chief of The Hawkeye and currently a firstyear student (or fifth, depending on who you talk to) at the University of Pittsburgh. ?People kept saying they loved this new experience, and I just, I didn?t catch their draft, you know? In my conversation with my mind, I was like: ?But this experience isn?t new. We?ve just been transported to a new location to continue our collegiate studies.?It led to my being ostracized and spat upon. People called me ugly and fat.? Clearly, Erdy?s terrible first year at Pitt is a direct result of this confusing identity crisis. One might think that this cri-
sis soon abates, or that Erdy was unique in his struggle, but further investigation has proved the opposite to be true. Chris Phillips ?16, currently nearing the end of his sophomore year at Georgetown University in the swamps of Washington, D.C., is still feeling the repercussions of the College Starts Here campaign. Phillips shivered and fervently bit his nails as he recounted some of his experiences: ?People just don?t talk to me, even now,? he reflected. ?Everybody treats me like a graduate student. Now, mind you, I think that?s also a little bit to due with my quick-sprouting facial hair, devious disposition, and choice to wear a three piece suit to class every day, but still.? He began to pace as he continued,
?I just figured that if college started at the Prep, and college is four years long, this must be my job. Like, my life career. So I dress appropriately, but everybody relentlessly mocks me. Once my Econ teacher threw a raw egg at me.? Harrowing stories, indeed. With so many other things starting in the four years that span the ages of fourteen to eighteen, including a reliance on coffee and a crippling sense of existential dread, the Prep may want to give newfound consideration to the debate over the when, where, who, what and why of college starting, well, here, or maybe somewhere else. God knows Erdy and Phillips aren?t sure.
Talking with the Prep Dog: Bor k This past week, I had the pleasure to sit down with a nonexistent and totally fabricated ?Prep Dog.? Although he/she has not yet made it to the Prep, he/she is quite excited to arrive. Rumor has it, the day the Prep?s halls are graced with a pup is very soon. Q: What?s your name? A:TBD Q: When will you be coming to the Prep? A: TBD.
Q: Who?s your favorite student at the Prep? A: TBD. Q: What about teacher?
Q: Do you believe The Hawkeye is underfunded, considering that their budget is less than 1/5 of a single tuition?
Mission? A: TBD.
A: TBD. Q: Does the Prep have a school dog?
A: TBD
A: TBD. Q: Is the Prep both a Jesuit and Catholic institution? A: TBD, but I heard the Maryland Province of the Society of Jesus believes so. I?ll have to see for myself first, though.
Q: Do you have a favorite Philly sports team? A: TBD.
Q: Will we have another snow day?
A: No. Q: In an increasingly divisive political world, do you believe the Prep fosters a politically diverse and inclusive habitat?
(Photo: psychokid.wikia.com)
By Nick Paler mo '18
A: TBD. Q: What do you think of the academic environment of the Prep? A: TBD. Q: Do you Stand with the
Fashion Show Propels Red Tuxedo-Clad M an to Star dom By M arco Sammar tino '18
ated as an MC for the event.
Superstar. We all want to be one. It takes talent, poise, connections, and a little bit of luck. Only a few of us does fate hand-pick to rise to this title of superstar.
Got it he does. News outlets across the country have started covering the sensation, and he has been touted as the ?Best Looking High School Senior Wearing A Red Tuxedo at A Fashion Show in the Greater Philadelphia Area Alive.?
Ronan Egan ?18 is one of the lucky few.
At the annual Mother?s Club Fashion Show, Prep seniors show off some of the boldest styles and outfits that fashion has to offer. Most look good, some look even better, some look impeccable. And then we have Ronan. Sporting a bold red tuxedo, he quite simply took the show by storm. ?I overheard one mothers' club member say, 'My son just looks gangly, awkward and pimply. But that kid in all red? he's just got it,?? said Mr. Braithwaite ?89, who oper-
?I realized from a young age that I was destined for stardom. God himself appeared to me in a dream when I was 6 years old and said, ?Ronan, you will be a model. I have declared it, so it has been done,?? the phenom explains. Mr. Braithwaite agrees, ?Mozart was identified as a child prodigy; gifted by God to be a brilliant composer. And I think the Fashion Show revealed something similar: Ronan Egan was gifted to be a runway model." Divine Intervention has certainly played quite the role here. And of course, he couldn?t
?Sadly, the tuxedo color was not my choice,? he explains, ?Had it been, I still think I would have picked that color.? The bold red, similar to the color of ketchup, is impossible to miss. Business magazines have even mentioned it in articles offering tips for how to land a job.
our budding prodigy: ?It?s been a struggle, if I?m honest. Cameras and fans everywhere have made even the easy things difficult.? He thinks for a moment, before following up saying, ?Strangely, I have found myself at the tanning salon much more often.? For all of the trials and tribulations that come with the fame, Ronan is expected to continue his meteoric rise.
?Within weeks, we will be adding Roman's name to the list of other great male runway models, whoever they are,? Mr. Braithwaite says confidently. Be on the lookout for the impeccably impressed Ronan as he wanders the halls. Make sure to ask him for an autograph before he reaches truly stratospheric levels of fame.
(Photo: Vogue Magazine)
The Hawkeye section editor, hockey captain, and Prep Republicans president can add another illustrious title to his collection: model.
How does he do it? It?s all natural, he claims.
have done it without the red tux. Believe it or not, he actually didn?t even elect to wear it.
?If you want to stand out, to make a good impression, to let everyone know that you mean business, wear a red tuxedo. Wear it to the interview, wear it every day to work, wear it to your boss?s grandmother?s funeral; it is appropriate for literally every occasion known to man,? claims Forbes. With God on his side and enough natural talent to take over the industry, it is no surprise to see Ronan quickly climb the ladder of success. However, adjusting to fame hasn?t been easy, according to
The rising star, Ronan Egan '18, being measured by his classmate Shea Enright '18.
Entertainment | 11
Hawkeye Sudoku
M ovie Review: L ion K ing 1 1/2 By Anthony M cTighe '18 Yes, I am not lying, this is real. Lion King 1 ½, the third film in The Lion King franchise, came out in 2004, almost ten years after the first film and went under the radar to many. A film that focuses on Timon and Pumbaa?s side of the story, Lion King 1 ½ is not the most memorable film, but it definitely should be. The great story, comedy and cast are just some of the reasons that make Lion King 1 ½ a must see movie. One of the first factors that caught my eye about this film was the story. It was told from the perspective of fan favorites, Timon and Pumbaa, and nothing seemed more intriguing than a fun trip down memory lane with two hilarious characters. This enjoyable expedition displayed the charm this movie had. A hidden gem amongst the other more critically acclaimed films in Disney?s arsenal, Lion King 1 ½ brings a very fascinating and memorable story. It allows the viewer to see the famous tale told from a different point- ofview. The explanation of how Timon first discovered Pumbaa, their philosophy of Hakuna Matata, and the fun
journey they experienced together as friends, allows one to spend time with these characters and get to know them. The movie is somewhat of a joke played on the original story, not making fun of it per say, but rather making Timon and Pumbaa the source of many events that happen in the original film. This pictures carries a fun and adventurous storyline throughout, and allows the viewer to enjoy the time spent with these characters making it a fun trip down memory lane. Furthermore, I loved that this film is a huge joke on the concept of movies. That is, the constant interjections by Timon and Pumbaa, who are watching the movie themselves, along with the many references that are made, this picture is full of small quirks, making it an original satire. The story plays on the ideas of movie tropes and jokes with each of them a bit. The film is also loaded with references to other movies or to subject matters related to viewing movies. As mentioned prior, Timon and Pumbaa are watching the film as well, recounting their adventure from the comfort of their own theater, with the constant fourth wall esque breaks,
allowing for more comedy. Lastly without spoiling, the ending is a great comedic jab at Disney, which we can all find funny. The Lion King brought such a memorable cast to the table. It is nice to see most of the original characters return to this film. Although many have very small roles, it is still great that this small movie was not tossed aside by many, and is treated as a real sequel to the original films. The return of the former cast, Nathan Lane?s Timon and Ernie Sabella?s Pumbaa, both put on classic performances as their characters, bringing back awesome memories for these two fan favorites. Lion King 1 ½ is a must see movie. I was not familiar with this film, but I am sure glad that I watched it. The storyline is fun from beginning to end. It is a memorable trip back to the great movies that came before it. The picture is a bit shorter than its predecessors, but it takes the viewer on an original adventure with two fun companions. From its story, to its comedy and the characters that came with it, Lion King 1 ½ is a great time and a highly recommended movie.
The fir st per son to submit their completed Sudoku puzzle to David M cCabe '19, M arco Sammar tino '18, or M att Phillips '18 will receive a $200 Wawa gift car d that was not stolen from the Blood Dr ive.
Student Gr id By L eo Vaccaro '05
Dog or cat per son and why?
M atthew Phillips '18 Animals make me feel pressured to show them love, and I can't handle that.
M arco Sammar tino '18
David M cCabe '19
Dog person, cats are mean.
Dog person. I've always been one for cross-breeding species and a dog person seems like the next major step forward.
I f you were to have a top-40 hit, would it I had to Google who Jason star t with Jason Khaled, he's louder and Jason Derulo was, so I'm gonna go with Derulo is way past his prime. Der ulo or DJ K haled Khaled. saying his name. Explain your choice Which professional Philly team will win the next championship? I f you have a favor ite " Dad j oke," please tell it.
I have full faith in the Philadelphia Union to gain their rights at last.
Sixers, this year.
Neither. I would have Gilbert Gottfried shout my name in the same voice he used for Iago in "Aladdin".
Next? Did someone already win one?
Imagine being held at gunpoint Once Mr. Vaccaro walked up to (bear with me) by a literate me and said, "If you have a I have a favorite "Dad joke," but I animal, and the only hope of favorite dad joke, please tell it," rescue (BEAR WITH ME) is would prefer to keep it to myself. and I said, well once, Mr. posting a coded message through Vaccaro... a newspaper.
12 | Entertainment
Haddad: Dining with Tide Pods Over the course of this early 2018, we have seen quite a few crazy things happen. However, among the craziest is the consumption of Tide pods. Now sure, these pods may resemble your favorite candy, or look like a savory treat, but who really knows what they taste like? Quite a few people trying to make a name for themselves on YouTube actually. So this week, I decided to settle the mystery of tide pods, looking to answer one complex and extraordinarily difficult question: are tide pods candy ore detergent? As I began my quest to find some of the best tide pods, I stopped in at an Acme. Upon being directed to the detergent isle, and not the candy or snack isle, I was taken back, noting that these pods were in fact not
listed in the candy section. Standing in front of the wall of pods, I was unsure of what ?flavor? to choose. There were blue, green, red colored pods, I can only imagine the blue resembled blue raspberry, the green apple, and the red, cherry. I decided to go with the classic blue raspberry. I did notice that the flavors were not listed on the packages, a clear indication that these were in fact not food. Nonetheless, I continued my journey. After paying for these pods, I decided to venture to another store in the hopes of discovering any other colors that may not have been available at the Acme. Unfortunately, when I arrived at Giant, all of the tide pods were actually locked up. If all other signs were not a clear indication of these not being food, this made it obvious.
(Photo: Are you ok, Dave? We're worried.)
By David Haddad '18
When I got home, I realized I could not just eat these tide pods by themselves. I proceeded to add some basil, fresh mozzarella, and some olive oil. I figured if anything would go well with detergent, this would be the combination. Upon looking at this pod dish, I realized these tide pods were in fact detergent, and not candy at all. So I did not eat it. If I were to make a recommendation based off of my experience, it would definitely be to eat anything but these tide pods. They taste terrible, and apparently are extremely poisonous. 0/10 would not recommend. Through my extensive research and first hand experience, I am finally able to answer the question. Tide Pods are, in fact, poisonous detergent, not candy, so do not eat them.
The new, bestselling, delicious Hot Pocket flavor: Tide Pod.
Book Review: Prep Student Handbook By Scott Hibbs '19 A perfect blend of action and adventure, The Prep?s Student Handbook is a thrilling ride from start to finish. I had the absolute privilege of being able to indulge in this fascinating tale of good versus bad, and one man?s quest to rid his school of all corruption and evil. The Student Handbook is guaranteed to leave its reading astonished, and left questioning their very own mortality and ethical views. The first thing that one notices about the Student Handbook is its radically unique use of the narrative voice. Instead of leaning into the long history of other tales that use the narrative first or third person, the Student Handbook destroys all
preconceived notions of how a narrative voice should work. The story is told through a disconnected, omnipotent, authoritative third person narrator. This point of view leaves the reader in a constant state of intrigue, asking many a questions. Who is this story about? Who is this magnificent hero talking to? What is a JUG? These questions force the reader into the world of the Student Handbook, entering them into the grand mystery of this tale of justice and fighting for what's right. The book starts off a little slow, beginning with the heroes creed, what drives him to fight his grand crusade against the evils of being out of dress code and other heinous acts.
Throughout the book the reader is beckoned to use their own imagination to fill in the rest of the story. There are many statements that leave the reader to create their own backstory for the hero. These stories allow the reader to truly connect to their brave hero, the reader choses why this man is driven to the fight for justice.
those who refuse to abide by a dress code. You can choose how this marvelous hero found his most trusted sidekick in his struggle with evil, the Identification Badge. This book is not just a mere passive story that forces you into a cookie cutter mold of uniformity and prediction. No, this book is an event, a spectacle, where you choose what you believe to be right, and craft this hero into the truest representation of virtue.
You can choose what happened in his formerly picturesque childhood that caused it to suddenly change into a nightmare of traumatic events, and how these traumatic events cause him to don the mantle and take up the fight against evil. You can choose what caused a normal kid, with a normal life, to suddenly be in an eternal struggle against
Although the whole book is amazing, there is one part that just must be mentioned. In an explanation for how the hero's plan for justice will work, he orates to the audience that ?Our intention is not to create punitive measures; it is to pro-
vide positive guidelines for desired behavior? (37). With this simple phrase, the hero is able to communicate to the audience not only his intention, but his true spirit. He is not a man that is bent on the punishment of criminals, but a fair and just man searching for a way to save all from their evils ways, and create a great union of people that believe in the true values of justice. I would not be lying if I said that this book has changed my life. I believe that I have become a better person because of this book. I would recommend it to all who are looking for their path to justice in life. You can find this book at your nearest St. Joe?s Prep.
By Sebastian Porecca '18 Comrades, I come to you today with a humble book review of The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels, a groundbreaking document of our time. I was growing tired of ingesting the bourgeoisie garbage that this institution offered us, and I shook my fist at the decadence of The Great Gatsby and said ?bah!? to the Capitalistic aristocrats of The Awakening. I wanted the writings of the people! I wanted the Proletariat to rise up from my literature! I was tired of the tophat and monocle wearing Monopoly men I saw walking around my school! Apparently, this sentiment became noticeable with my newly grown Che Guevara beard, because one day History Department teacher Mr. Vaccaro, whose long bushy beard was looking eerily similar to Marx?s that day, approached me one morning in the de-
serted J-Hall stairwell. He had on a big overcoat and dark glasses, and as I gave a normal greeting, he ushered me into the empty history office. Mr. Vaccaro?s lovable voice melted away into a harsh slavic accent and he whispered ?Comrade, I hear you are looking for a new literature, the literature of the people, the literature of the worker?. He opened his coat, and I could see immediately the inside was covered in books. There was The Conquest of Bread by Peter Kropotkin, On Anarchism by Noam Chomsky, The State and Revolution by Vladimir Lenin, and volumes and volumes of Marx, Goldman, Engels, Reed, and more (and there were also some fake Rolexes in there too, but that?s beside the point). As I thought to myself ?no wonder he looked so bulky today!?, Mr. Vaccaro pulled out a slim copy of The Communist Manifesto and handed it to me. Just as I pulled out my ruble
notes and some lose kopeks to pay for my wares, a maintenance man came in and Mr. Vaccaro scurried away like a frightened meerkat, and I was left with my prize. Comrades, I read and absorbed every word of that exalted work, but I get ahead of myself and must review. Writing-wise, it was very short and I was able to get through it in a day or two, and it wasn?t very dense either, which was nice. In terms of content, I thought nearly everything in it was extremely pertinent, even in a contemporary context, and while there certainly have been countless acts of worker protection presented since 1848, a lot of the themes and dynamics in The Communist Manifesto can be observed today. Take Marx?s point about the shrinking middle class: that very same dynamic has been playing itself out in America in recent decades with huge multibillion dollar corporations engulfing the small private busi-
(Photo: Karl Marx)
Book Review: Communist M anifesto
Communism really isn't all that bad. ness owners and small scale skilled craftsmen. My biggest takeaway is that there must be a class war comrades! We must, in the Prep community, overturn the haunting spectre of the bourgeoisie! We must seize the means of production! The chalkboards, the chrome-
books, the pencils, the desks, the Edmodo! They must be in the hands of us, the Proletariat! We must strike down this evil order of Capitalism, and with Karl Marx and Leo Vaccaro as my witnesses I will live for this cause!
Opinion-Debate | 13
Opinion: Being a M an for Other s Should M ean L uke Can Cheat Off M e in Spanish As Prep students, we?re taught to look out for the good of our neighbors, to be men for others, and to do service for our communities and one another. However, seeing as service means supporting one another, why can?t it also mean we support each other?s grades? Cheating at the Prep has always been a serious issue, but that intolerance might in fact be contradictory to the Jesuit values taught in the school. For example, I?ve been known to be a Spanish genius, whereas some of my classmates might struggle with the language. As such, I think it should be my responsibility as a ?man for others? to also be a ?man giving his answers to others.? To instead tell my friend in need, ?No you can?t have my homework,? would make me seem selfish, disgusting, snobby, rude, and egotistical: it is the very behavior we seek to outgrow. Because let?s be honest, I just want to see my brothers succeed without having to drown themselves in work. It just makes sense for me to give
my old quiz to a guy who?s about to take it. I mean, I don?t frame my 8 out of 20s on science quizzes, so what else am I supposed to do with them? (Speaking of which, does anybody have their old Bio tests for the 4th quarter? HMU with those if you do.) It is in this spirit of charity that I believe cheating is really just another form of serving out our Jesuit mission, and it is to that end that I propose we also get service hours for doing so. Let?s face it, if we got service hours for sharing answers, I would have finished getting mine in the first quarter and not had to stress out every time I see an email telling me how far behind I am. If you think about it, there really are no downsides here! All sides profit and our community is strengthened. (Especially because ?Community? is important to the administration nowadays.) But what if the unlikely scenario occurs where your friend wants to return the favor? Well, a tried and true method comes to mind called, ?I?ll do the first half, you do the sec-
ond, then we?ll switch.? This refined art requires that both students learn and benefits all parties involved. Furthermore, this technique is a cooperative and team building activity. Otherwise, doing your own essay or Latin translations creates way too much pointless work and is overall just too time consuming.
I think it high time we reevaluated the Prep?s stance on sharing work and took a more modernized approach to the whole situation. With more free time, guys will have more time to play Fortnite and meet girls, which will result in happier students across the board. Furthermore, students will be more available to do service
now that it is such a part of their daily routine, and not to mention, there would also be a visible boost to grades in general. So, I ask you, if you don?t cheat, are you really a man for others? And as I always say, estรกs utilizando google translate_incorrectamente.
(Photo: St. Joe's Prep)
By Patr ick O?Connell ?21
Every test that students take at SJP is another thrilling opportunity to cheat off their peers.
'Yeah, Dude, I Only Studied For, L ike, 15 M inutes' By Ronan Egan '18
To give a little background information, last week I took what some people call ?the hardest test ever given? in my AP Calculus class. While the bulk of my classmates spent weeks before the test studying the material, finishing their homework, and doing anything they could to stay off the ledge, I did the exact opposite. In all, I studied for 20, maybe 30, minutes for that test due to one reason: video games. The arrival of the hit game ?Fortnite,? a 100-player, battle royale, has consumed my life recently. I began playing roughly two weeks ago, and my life has changed drastically since then. With five wins on my resume, including an impressive three- kill solo win, my career seems to be taking off. However, the road to my massive successes was not too easy at the start and, therefore, required much dedication. As
that is one, single hour each day. Now, you have time to round up the squad and get cooking on Fortnite. Again, I want to congratulate myself on yet another acade-
mic triumph, as well as for my five impressive Fortnite victories. I understand how difficult it is for some of the hardworking scrubs at the Prep to read this, but I hope it serves as
a wake up call. I leave you all with a piece of advice: the next time you debate whether or not to spend another hour miserably studying, don?t.
It has become increasingly obvious over the last few years that priorities are an important part of success in high school. Most students put work first, then their social life, family, and other things. However, this is obviously the road to failure. These students who spend hours studying will NEVER succeed. Never. Not once.
(Photo: Mr. Vaccaro's Twitch Live Stream: @Historyrulez)
Sometimes, it truly is difficult being as amazing as I am. My performance in the classroom continues to be the best, even though I have not studied one single time this year for more than 15 minutes. Rather than simply bragging about yet another success, I am writing to rub it in to those whose work ethic is much harder than mine, with far worse results, while motivating students to follow my apathetic footsteps and achieve greatness.
any normal person would, I found that Fortnite was more important than my schoolwork. Homework, tests, and projects come and go, but a solo win remains forever.
Do you know what happens when you cram stuff into your brain 15 minutes before the test, followed my completing it in illegible handwriting in five minutes? Passing grades. Yeah, you could study for hours, tire yourself out and hope for a C. I guess that follows the old saying, ?Cs get degrees,? yet that seems to be a waste of time and money. The real question becomes, is it really worth it? Take Latin, for example. Let?s break this down: Vocab? Five minutes. Grammar? Five minutes. Sentence translations? Well, it only takes a minute to Google the answers. Add that up and you have a total of 15 minutes. Although I am no average student, for argument?s sake we will say that the average student gets home around 4 from school each day. Given that you may have 15 minutes of homework in each class,
Fortnite, the uber-popular video game, is the "secret sauce" of my academic success.
14 | Opinion-Debate
Editor ial: I t's Time for Cape & Swor d to Go By M att Phillips ?18
In the 21st century, as humankind continues to strictly progress without bound, the green greens of capitalism govern our daily operating procedures more than ever before. In response, St. Joe?s The Prep needs to put more conscious effort into reflecting this reality for its students. The other day, a group of ten Preppers took another student -- who has subsisted entirely on a barter economy in his personal life these past two years -- outside of the building and pelted him with rocks. I?m glad students are taking some personal initiative here, but can we get a little credence from the administration, please? St. Joe?s The Prep?s only focus should be educating its stu-
atively and speak before crowds, and bring them fulfillment as humans in the process. This is an absolutely ridiculous notion, seeing as creative thinking and eloquence are unimportant for a successful life, What?s more, teenagers don?t need -- let alone deserve, by God! - - fulfillment. Maybe the Jesuits would?ve succeeded
in murdering Charles II if they?d spent less time acting. (Mission failed: we?ll get ?em next time.) It?s time to take a stand. As Aristotle once said: ?If you?ve ever done theatre before, I hate you.? When will St. Joe?s The Prep learn its lesson? How many more members of
Stage Crew have to die by falling onto a power saw, or tumbling into the trapdoor, before we learn our lesson? I am forced to conclude that the money currently allocated to the Cape & Sword Drama Society could be better allocated. In fact, I can even think of a club that might [REDACTED] (Photo: St. Joe's The Prep)
Alright, alright, I?ve had enough. Of all the things that I?ve lost, I miss my mind the most. You?re telling me the Prep should fund a theatre program, for hoity toity, pseudosophisticated, pseudointellectual high school students? Perhaps the Prep theater can be converted into a live stock market ticker, or perhaps a carpentry shop (there?s already some wood back there, so I hear). Regardless, though, we?re wasting our time, right now.
dents about the things that will cause them to succeed in the real world: 1) money, 2) how to be a man, and 3) the jobs of real men, jobs that involve wood or vast sums of money, and get you down on the ground with your hands dirty. Any amount of educational effort that is focused otherwise is a detriment to the education of the person. I mean seriously, Mr. Tom Braithwaite? More like Mr. Put-On-the-Brakes-and-Wait! I get that rehearsals for 1785 have begun and all, but we need to bring the train to a halt over there. It?s just enough already. Every day, as I head to 109 to devote time to studying a book (HA!), I pass by the sign near 107 with the list of Cape & Sword?s shows and am overwhelmed with the amount of money that has been wasted to bring them to fruition. That money could have been much better spent teaching me about the Ricardo model, or how to build a dresser. As we all know, art in all forms is absolutely useless. This cancer of theatre in our high schools, however, has been spreading for many centuries now. The Jesuits were the buffoons to first introduce theatre to their schools in hopes that it would better their students? abilities to think cre-
Phillips '18 wasting his time doing something stupid.
The Hawkeye is seeking applications for a new Editor-in-Chief to replace Matt Phillips ?18. Contact Mr. Leo Vaccaro at his Santa Monica palace with any questions.
L etter to the Editor : M r. Jim M cFer anon '80
P --Mr. Jim McFeranon of the Class of 1980, father of James '15 and Tim '19
Opinion: I Want M ore Gir ls at the Prep By James DiCocco ?18
only discussing one.
In a society where young people are easily offended, and inclusion needs to reach the highest levels of excess, the Prep community always tries its best to be on the forefront of progress. However, many students believe that there is a new initiative that is yet to be unlocked: opening the doors to female Preppers.
Clubs and Activities - The Prep has always been known to set good examples of excellence on the field, in the classroom, on the stage, etc. With these past successes, I believe that we can further be a better example by proving to the world how well unisexual classrooms, sports, and activities work. Coming from a product of co- educated public schools, I will be the first one to say how much guys do not act jerky to other guys when around the opposite gender. Coming from this experience, I can strongly say how much
I personally believe that adding female students to the Prep would have many benefits. Now we all know there are too many pros to count but I will do all of you a favor by
adding female students would bolster the strong brotherhood (I mean PERSONhood) at the Prep. On the sports field, I believe a female addition to the football team would garner a lot of support from the student fan section. More specifically, I think a female kicker would strongly bring our student body together. Who knows, we might be able to come up with some creative cheers that are directed to her specifically. Lastly, in regards to the Cape & Sword Drama Society, the addition of females to the activity would have great benefits. As we saw this fall, fe-
males did not enjoy the fall production of Newsies - a show full of attractive boys singing and dancing (especially the lead; he stinks). Therefore, the inclusion of females into the student body would then force the drama department to do more female friendly shows like Legally Blonde or Mean Girls or Thoroughly Modern Millie or even Chicago! On its own, the Prep?s Drama Department does not have any female representation for neighboring schools thus forcing the program to put on romantic themed productions the way William Shake-
speare always wanted it to be. Overall, the addition of females to the student body would do nothing but positively affect not only our classrooms but also our extracurriculars. As we now know, the addition of female students to the Prep will do nothing but positively affect our community here at 17th & Girard. I assume you also agree with this ever inclusive initiative, so please sign the petition that is hanging in the second floor bathroom?s activism stall.
Opinion-Debate | 15
L etter to the Editor : L iam Gr ugan '19 So what?s the deal with Jesuits? No no, like, I think they?re pr iests, but then whenever I ask a Fr anciscan how he became a Jesuit, he j ust acts all confused (?). Aren?t all pr iests Jesuits or is it like squares and rectangles? Am I misreading this? L iter ally all the pr iests I ever see are Jesuits and their outfits are always the same. I emailed Fr. Swope, S.J. ?72 to ask why but he didn?t respond. And why do they get to wear the collar s but ever y time I wear a 90s choker instead of a tie I get JUG?! They?re awesome role models. They?re basically Jedi, but for some reason I can?t dress like they do. Okay, so I Googled it dur ing my free, and the I nter net says I ?m r ight thinking that they?re pr iests, but then there?s nothing about what church was like before St. I gnatius invented the pr iests. Who was on the altar ? I really don?t get how it wor ked. Oh, and the pope? He?s a Jesuit, r ight? Don?t they take vows of like obedience and proper ty? To whom does he repor t? I s there a secret pope that Pope Fr ancis listens to? Who elects him? Do they do the smoke thing but inside? How do they ventilate the secret pope?s election room so they don?t suffocate from the smoke? I need some answer s here: books aren?t helping and I ?m scared. L ike we call them Father, but I 'm like eighty-five percent sure that Fr. Chuck is not my dad. He and I don't even look similar. I f he is my dad, does that mean I 'm a Jesuit? I s this how they get new recr uits? I s M r. Petr uzzelli a Jesuit and, if not, why? --L iam Gr ugan ?19 P.S. Who was St. Gesu and why did we name our church after him?
Opinion: Pr ixer s Stink and You Should K now That By David Haddad ?18
I decided to go into a little more detail about these dances for the student, telling him that if he found the same music from dances in sixth grade enjoyable, he might actually find
Now, the freshman voiced to me that he had actually been to one before and had a great time. I explained the simple fact to him that when he looks back in a few years, rather than a few weeks, he would understand how terrible it actually was. The freshman then proceeded to ask me where he could meet new people if nobody was going to go to dances anymore. I told him truthfully literally anywhere was a better
spot. So basically, nobody goes to these mixers after freshman year. It seems these dances
have been in a decline for the past few years; a clear trend to most members of the school community. It seems these dances have become a passage-
way for freshman joining the Prep. They attend the first one, but after that, nobody goes, and certainly no upperclassmen go. (Photo: St. Joe's The Prep)
As a curious freshman approached me in the halls of the Prep, he questioned me about my experiences at the Prep mixers, ?Prixers,? and if they were as good as he had hoped. Naturally I told him what every freshman at the Prep believes: ?these mixers are the best thing to happen to your freshman year.? I continued saying that they were single handedly the best experience of my entire four years at the Prep. Following this, I told him what the remainder of the Prep?s student body thinks: ?they are terrible.? As I broke the news to the freshman, I could see the look in his eyes, on the verge of tears. I felt sorry for the student and told him it was okay because most freshman go anyways.
this new type of dance enjoyable. I told him that there was no doubt in my mind that The Cupid Shuffle or Starships by Nicki Minaj would come on. Next, I explained to him that if he enjoyed awkwardly standing around in a venue far too large for the amount of people attending, he would love the dances. Finally, I explained to him that there was nothing quite like a mosh pit of sweaty high schoolers who recently got off the bus from their lacrosse workouts, soccer, and football practices.
A group of Prep students and local girls who will never get their Friday night back.
By Stephen Har r ison ?20 Have you seen my Chromebook? It is very important to me, and without it, I cannot binge Netflix at home, or, of course, do all of my very important school work. I think I left it in one of the study benches on the top floor of Jesuit Hall, but it also might be down in the cafeteria. Now that I think about it, it may also be in the study area on the 3rd floor of Villiger Hall. At this point, it could be anywhere in the whole school. It is a small, black laptop with an 11.6 inch screen display with a gray translucent covering on both the bottom and the top. Inside the top cover, it has a copy of my schedule, without which I will be very lost in my school day.
(Photo: The Police)
Opinion: Has Anyone Seen M y Chromebook? If you open up the lid of the Chromebook, you will see my name, ?Stephen Harrison,? on the interface. Inside the bottom case, you will find a copy of the bell schedules for this school year. I have been very worried about this because it is already partly damaged. If you find it, please be extremely careful with it, as it may be standing on its last legs. Nevertheless, if you do happen to find my Chromebook, please hand it into the Dean?s Office, or if you do see me, please return it to me. Words cannot express how worried I am for my Chromebook. Thank you so much for your help as the search continues. Specific amount of ransom money offered is still to be determined.
Any information regarding the whereabouts of the missing Chromie should be relayed to the police immediately.
16 | Opinion/Sports
L etter to the Editor : M y taste in movies is fancier, more refined than that of teenager s By M r. Vaccaro The editors of the Hawkeye thought that it would be funny to assign me the task of reviewing my favorite film, presumably because when I made them watch in class as freshmen they had no idea what good cinema was. "You should write about Aguirre in the April Fools issue" they scoffed. Well, here we are now. Aguir re: The Wr ath of God Aguirre, Der Zorn Gottes When the 30- year- old German director Werner Herzog boarded a plane with a shoestring budget, a 35mm camera that he ?borrowed? without permission from a Munich film school, and a contract with the legendarily deranged actor Klaus Kinski; how could he have known that he was about to make the greatest historical film of all time? His destination was the Amazon. His subject was a rogue bunch of 16th century Spanish
conquistadors. Despite its humble origins and esoteric setting, his film would go on to be considered one of Roger Ebert?s favorites which he called ?one of the great haunting visions of the cinema.? Perhaps it?s only hard to imagine that this happened because I am tied to my own perspective ? like other mortals, I am stuck chewing the cud of bourgeois mediocrity in this veil of tears that is life ? and I lack the grand artistic vision and other-worldly sense of purpose that Herzog and Kinski demanded for themselves. They both grasped the rubble that was post- war Germany with both hands and squeezed that debris so hard until it produced history writ with lightning ? no other historical movie has even come close to portraying truth like Aguirre, Der Zorn Gottes. Even academics have a hard time expressing so accurately the total topsy- turvy world of
the conquistadors. When I was in grad school I needed to review a book by Vanderbilt University Dean Lauren Benton entitled A Search for Sovereignty: Law and Geography in European Empires, 14001900. Benton attempted to fit this historical character of Lope de Aguirre ? the main character of Herzog?s movie ? into her overall thesis defining European imperialism. As Professor Benton notes, the real- life Aguirre did indeed write a letter to King Philip II of Spain (in 1561), threatening to ?rebel until death against you [Philip II of Spain] for your ingratitude.? Nevertheless, I found Benton?s characterization of Aguirre to be lacking. It is not her fault though: how could an academic, living peacefully on her warm, green, rich campus ? on the ivory tower of aloofness from life ? succeed at establish order out of the total
chaos and terror that is colonialism? No professor can ever capture the truth of who this murderous villain ? Aguirre ? was; only an equally insane force like Klaus Kinski could come close to accomplishing such a task. Despite being a traitor and violent rebel, the real Aguirre was not a serious threat to Spanish imperial sovereignty in South America; but he was (and is) emblematic of the sickness of the human psyche, he is the personification of mania, revenge, and the evil that the Western world planted on American shores ever since 1492. Herzog and his lead actor Kinski were no strangers to those evils and passions. During the filming, Herzog literally threatened to kill Kinski ? and he meant it and had the means to do so. The film crew took ?method- acting? to the next level by living like the conquistadors, and rafted around dangerous rapids in Peru without a safety net. At one point, Kinski
either forgot or did not care that he was carrying real weapons when he attacked (and injured) real Indian actors. Even this was caught on film and appears in the movie. In conclusion, every human has a choice; you can actively wait for the next Avengers movie to come out, watch all seven (!) Transformers movies, and witness Kylo- Ren kill C3PO in Disney?s inevitable 30th iteration of the Star Wars universe. And that would be a happy life for sure ? you definitely will not run out of movies to watch. On the other hand, you can decide that ?it is better to be a human being dissatisfied than a pig satisfied; better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied.? In which case, join me. Buy every Werner Herzog movie. Watch them all. Hรถren Sie denn nicht das entsetzliche Schreien ringsum, das man gewรถhnlich die Stille heiร t?
M eet the Captains: Cape and Swor d (Photo: Matt Phillips '18)
By Rocco Spadea ?20 The most underrated sport here at the Prep is one that deserves much more recognition because of the need for athletic prowess and physical capability. The astute institution of theater here at the Prep could not float along without its trustworthy and loyal captains, seniors Matt Phillips and Paul Koenig, known for their roles as the sweaty guy and the 35 year old man who is still at the Prep. Matthew Phillips, two time winner of the High School Theater Guild for portraying his older roles, is known for his 4.0 and picks of 36 colleges in the U.S. and 4 in Britain. He mentioned how one of his greatest achievements was being able to be head of the newspaper and write articles about himself. I was not able to talk to him personally, as he was off at Kairos being the inspirational moderator, wait, I mean Student Leader, that he normally is. Paul Koenig, 4- time winner of the Sweat Award for losing 2 gallons of sweat each show and 3 time winner of Best Sidekick in Every Show at the High School Theater Guild, is best known for leading Freshman Retreat. He says his biggest achievement is learning the Crutchie leg jump. When asked about what legacy he wanted to leave behind, Paul gave me a pretty boring response in my opinion: ?That I furthered and strengthened
The two most athletic captains at St. Joe's Prep: Matt Phillips '18 (left) and Paul Koenig '18 (right). Cape and Sword in its mission of performing top- notch shows, while fostering a community of Prep brotherhood that works for the greater good.? Being captains is a lot of responsibility for the duo, as they have to show off their athletic ability of prancing on stage and holding a couple of notes. For Matt, he often struggles in
setting an example of performing high notes. Paul often has trouble showing how not to have a heart attack each performance. They do their best to always try and get more athletes to join the theater program, as Cape and Sword could use all the help they can get. Jeff Russell, Stage Manager under their command, com-
mented on their abilities as captains of this dedicated team. ?Matt has the biggest head ever. It?s his way or the highway. Paul ?sticks to the rear on every issue.?? When asked if they have helped him as a performer, Russell replied: ?Absolutely. Matt has taught me that having the biggest ego in the world can land you a lead in the show. I carry that lesson with me to this day. Paul has
told me that the best thing to do in acting is to make the lead look good.? Being captains of a hard sport with so much responsibility can be really tough, but Matt and Paul are up to the task and just about manage the job. Peers and members of the club have some people to inspire on what not to do, and thank them for their hard work.
Sports | 17
Prep Rower Goes 20 Seconds Without M entioning 2K The halls went silent. Mouths were gaping wide open. All lunch trays were dropped. At St. Joseph?s Prep A new record was broken, No one foresaw it. A Prep Crew Kid went Twenty whole minutes without Saying his 2K. As most Prep kids know, the crew team is always talking
about crew and whether one has a better 2K than the other. For those who don?t know, a 2K is two thousand meters on an erg. The lower the amount of time it takes, the better. Then, one day, for twenty whole minutes without this reminder of how awesome each member is at crew, the world had stopped. How would the crew team figure out who had the best 2K? How would they let others know that they were on the crew team? Many are relieved that this was possible, but will it happen again? No one knows for sure and only time will tell. Updates still_to_come.
(Photo: Mike Pagliaro '18)
By Rocco Spadea '20
Crew captain Mike Pagliaro '18 (far right) and his teammates Liam Davis '18, Tyree Hicks '18, and Dan Morrow '18 thanking all of the Prep students for their support following the brief break in 2K mentions.
Student-Athlete of the Week: Br ian M cCloskey '91 By Dan Avington ?18 This issue?s Student- Athlete of the Week is one who is popular among the Prep community for both his tenacity on the field as well as his prowess scheming deals for students in financial aid matters. Mr. Brian McCloskey ?91 is one of the best punters St. Joe?s Prep has ever seen. Serving as the Hawks?backup quarterback, seeing action in just
one game, McCloskey is known worldwide for the ferocity with which he kicked the balls to the punt returner. McCloskey claims, ?I used to sky them so high up that the return man couldn?t locate it and by the point he finally caught it, I was taking the tackle myself.? So not only does he have the foot to boot it up, but he has both the speed and strength to track down any runner that stood in his way.
Truly an amazing display of athleticism. But not only is Brian a fiend on the gridiron, but he also starred as a rugby player during his time at Fairfield. Playing the position of scrumhalf, McCloskey was the one who directed which way the ball would go in order to get down the field most efficiently, and boy was he a beast at that. His son Garrett, who plays the 9
position for the freshman rugby team at SJP, said the other day, ?My only goal in life is to be as good as my father. His skill from the scrumhalf position is one that I don?t think I?ll ever possess, but I can surely try.? In addition to his prowess on the field, he?s also a talented rugby coach, having been the SJP head coach in the past and now serving as an assistant to coaches Tkachuk and Dugan.
The final aspect of McCloskey that many overlook is the fact that he is now a state champion moderator. As the moderator of Prockey, he now can claim a state title for his team, which means he?s a state champion. So whether it?s playing, coaching, or moderating, McCloskey can do it all. There?s no stopping this man.
M eet the Captains: Hawkeye Editor s-in-Chief (Photo: Ava Donatucci '19)
The Hawkeye Editors-in-Chief, left to right: Marco Sammartino '18, Matt Phillips '18, and David McCabe '19.
By Chr istian Giuliani ?19 Plenty of words can describe the Hawkeye. Blood, sweat, and tears have been poured out onto the keyboard of the many Chromebooks sacrificing their battery life for this incredible school newspaper. The real magic is performed by the committed captains and editors. The captains for The Hawkeye are Matt Phillips ?18, Marco Sammartino ?18, and David McCabe ?19. As all three contribute equal effort to this newspaper, their individuality is something remarkable. Sitting down with each captain individually, one can see their dedication towards the Prep and The Hawkeye. Starting with David, the questions are tough and really bring out his true character. Starting off easy he asked to state his full name. David replies with confidence, ?My full, Christian name is David Joseph Ignatius St. Joseph's Prep McCabe.? In response to a question about March Madness, he responded, ?They couldn't comprehend my madness.? To get to know David?s inner feelings, he was asked to name the song he would have played every time he walks into a room. ?Seinfeld theme song. Next question.? Granting his wishes, the final and most anticipated question of all was presented to him. ?Did you sign up for community period?? ?I have not signed up for
Community Period once this year and I have accumulated 336 JUGs. Come find me, Dean Greene.? Best of luck to him in getting out of that one. Sitting down with the next captain, Marco Sammartino ?18, one can sense his passion for the Hawkeye. ?I've enjoyed it as much as someone would enjoy the electric chair? is his way of describing his time as captain. When asked to describe himself in three words, his reply was, ?Tall, overbearing and anxious.? These questions were designed to dig deep so those who do not know Marco can spot him easily. To lighten up the mood, he was asked to tell a joke, ?I hope Elon Musk never gets caught in a scandal. ElonGate would be really drawn out.? Needless to say, the room was instantly elated from the tension. ?What is the most traumatic thing that has happened to you?? Only one answer can really bring a tear to anyone?s eye, in which he said, ?One time I dropped two orders of large fries from McDonalds. Cried for a solid 20 minutes.? Comforting Marco as he started to tear up, the interview ended there for him. Finally, Matt Phillips is the last captain interviewed on the day. Not much could top the previous two with their response, but Matt really drove it home. His full name for all who are unaware is Matthew Collin James Phillips. He is from ?Malvern,
Pennsylvania, United States, Western Hemisphere, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy, Universe.? Specifics to the very last detail is key to understand a Prep student. When asked how he has enjoyed his time as captain for the Hawkeye, he said, ?It has been absolutely unrewarding in every possible sense of the word. If I could do it all over again, not only would I not accept the position, not only would I not join this newspaper, but I wouldn't even attend the Prep. I would just go to Devon and play cricket all day, every day.? Having difficulty understanding his previous answer, he is asked to name a song that best describes his work ethic. ?I'd have to go with ?Bullet with Butterfly Wings?by The Smashing Pumpkins. I particularly point you to the lyric, ?Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage.?? Finally, the most important question, ?Please describe your favorite moments at Prep.? His response: ?My favorite moment is yet upcoming, but it will involve the Prep dog, a yo-yo, and some maple syrup. Stay tuned for that as well.? Having no intentions of inquiring about these three factors, the interview was swiftly ended. All of these captains bring uniqueness and positivity to the whole team. Best of luck to whomever has to fill their shoes, because that is a tall order.
18 | Sports By Jack Thorell ?19 In reviewing its rules and regulations, the PCL made a series of changes to the way its bowling tournaments are run. Among them was a rule attempting to educate the high school bowlers, who are entering their formative years of bowling, about both the disrespect and the fashion crime of wearing a hat indoors. Starting with the 2017- 2018 season, PCL bowlers are forbidden from wearing hats while competing. It may seem like a relatively harmless rule to adapt to, but the Prep?s team was faced with a major dilemma at the start of this season. Star bowler and fashion guru Ron Spaide was forced to give up his signature cap, allegedly dubbed Prep bowling?s secret weapon, which he wore dutifully to every game. For the first few games of the season Ron tried to fly under the radar, wearing his hat and covering it up with a wig over top modeled after his natural hair. However at the team?s fourth game of the season, after an especially heated victory dance following a strike, Ron?s wig slipped off, exposing his hat and sending the opponents into a fit of rage. The game was called off and the incident was reported to PCL officials. After much discussion and witness interviewing, the PCL graciously let off the Prep?s team with a warning rather than suspending them for the season. Thus ?Prowling? began obeying the no hat rule. At their fifth game, and first without Ron?s hat, the Prep lost
(Photo: Ron Spaide '18)
PCL Outlaws The Hat of Ron Spaide '18 by a whopping score of 360-7. Every ball Ron threw at that game was a gutter ball, after which he would sulk back to his seat, holding back tears. This pattern of soul- crushing defeats and underwhelming performances from Ron continued throughout the season. After a particularly embarrassing defeat to La Salle, I managed to catch Ron on his way out of the alley. The following is a transcript of our conversation. Me: ?Mr. Spaide, what are your thoughts on the recent changes the PCL has made to its bowling regulations, particularly regarding hat wearing privileges.? Ron: ?Listen here, cowboy. **** **** ******* ***** *** * * * * * * * * * ... * * * * * * * * * * * ? The rest of Mr. Spaide?s answer is too explicit to be printed or translated into a clean, printable message. Even for Ron, a man of raw, unbridled passion, this response was particularly heated. I suspected there was more to the change in rules than the PCl?s concern for fostering the fashion awareness of young minds. A few days later, after Ron had calmed down some, I approached him in the hallways to ask him about the new rules. ?It pains me too much to talk about it. Find Big Derek. He works for the PCL. He?ll tell you everything you need to know,? Ron told me. So I looked up and went to meet Big Derek, whose real name cannot be published for legal reasons. Big Derek agreed to be in-
terviewed provided that his response be printed uninterrupted and unedited in its entirety. His response went as follows. ?So you want to know about Old Ronnie Spaide, do ya? Yeah, you guessed right, he?s the reason they made that little adjustment to the rules. Well the PCL got an anonymous tip that Ron had some sorta scope device in his hat that was letting him aim better before he bowled his ball. Well, we didn?t have any proof of that so- * violent coughing fit* Sorry bout that. 2 packs a day is finally starting to take its toll. Anyway, we tried con-
fronting Ronnie about the cheating allegations, but he refused to let us see the hat. Said something bout coming back with a warrant. And well, we were too scared to confront him. So we just outlawed all hats for future seasons. We weren?t gonna punish him or nothing. Again, the dude scares us.? Ron refused to comment on Big D?s statement, but did give me a response about his future bowling aspirations. ?The hatless bowling has made me feel bare, yes, but it?s also inspired me to do something I?ve been contemplating for awhile now. I?m gonna finally grow out the
Star Prep bowler Ron Spaide '18, known for his signature jeff cap, had his hat banned by the PCL recently, and his bowling hasn't been the same without it. ponytail to shoulder length. Figure I need something to keep my head warm while I bowl.? Whatever lies ahead for Ron and for the team, hopefully we?ll see that glorious cap around the halls of the Prep, as he?s relishing the moments and places in which he can wear it. Additionally, to the shock of suspicious PCL officials, ?Prowling? did end up making a comeback and began to win some games again at the end of the season. Maybe our secret weapon isn?t Ron Spaide?s hat after all, it?s just Ron Spaide.
After PCL Season Ends, Waite to Face Cena (Photo: Simon Williams '18)
By Simon Williams '18 Duncan Waite ?18 finished his senior season for the St. Joseph?s Prep wrestling team with over 100 career victories. This set him up as one of a select few to achieve such a mark for the program. After the season finished for Waite in the North East AAA Regional, his season record solidified at 37-12.
Senior Duncan Waite '18 will square off against John Cena at Wrestlemania 34 in New Orleans, LA in early April.
Now, because he is finished with the Prep season, Waite has to turn his attention to the greatest foe yet: 14-time WWE World Champion John Cena. No stage is better suited for such a bout than the ?Show of Shows,? WrestleMania 34 in New Orleans, Louisiana. With no title on the line, Cena and Waite are locking up for what is to be a straightshooter, mano y mano match. Cena, apt as an all- around wrestler who has seemingly added new moves to his repertoire over the course of his almost 20- year career with
WWE. He will go up against a very technically sound wrestler in Waite, who also has a taekwondo background to accompany his ground- and- pound amateur wrestling skills. ?This is the biggest match of my career,? Waite said of the historic event. ?Performing at WrestleMania has been a goal of mine since I was a little kid. Everything I have done in my career had lead me to this point. I was John Cena?s biggest fan; he?s my hero! But when that bell rings in New Orleans, he is no more than the enemy, and I take down the enemy.? The confidence carries on with the ?Dunc Daddy:? ?The great Scott Mullen once told me, ?You know you?ve made it when your idols become your rivals,? and today, I find myself in that same spot. I know what I have to do.? Cena was unable to be reached, or seen, for comment.
Sports | 19
(Photo: Nick Giangiordano '18)
M eet the (For mer ) Captains: Nick Giangior dano '18 By Dylan Robak '18 Nick Giangiordano was elected Crew Captain for the 2018 Crew Season on November 13, 2017. Within 24 hours of being Captain, he went to fulfill his duties as Captain making the long hike to third floor villager and quit the Crew Team. And that's all she wrote...or is it?
Giangiordano, second from left, now has time to attend things like the Eagles' parade after his exit from the crew team.
I was able to sit down with Nick Giangiordano for a formal interview on his take of the whole situation and he had some very good insight. I first asked him what his intentions for the rest of the school year would be and he responded with some interesting feedback. ?With having a lot more free time, it has given me the ability to do things that I normally wouldn?t have been able to do such as Professional Powerlifting and pursuing my lifelong dream of being an air traffic controller.? During community hour, Nick goes to various clubs and activities such as Study Hall J406 and Study Hall J407, even sometimes he goes to THIS WILL BE 3 DAYS JUG NEXT WEEK, as
he does have more time after school to do things that he has not been able to before. Nick is undecided on what college to attend, and recently said it all depends on which team wins March Madness in a few weeks. He said, ?I cannot attend a school that is clearly mediocre at basketball that would go against all of my principles.? While at school Nick plans on triple majoring in Mechanical Engineering, Biomedical Engineering, and Computer Science because he claims, ?One or two majors is simply just too easy and not time consuming enough, I want to have no social life in college and this would be a perfect way to keep me busy.? I asked Nick what would be the best advice to underclassmen if they want to be a Captain of any sport their senior year. He responded: ?Tell all of your close friends that you are about to quit, and they will all jokingly vote for you to be Captain, and believe it or not it actually sometimes works.?
(Photo: Twitter (@SJPBroadcasting)
M eet the Captains: WSJP Executives By Thomas Avington ?20 The best broadcasting crew east of the Appalachians, north of the Mason-Dixon Line, west of the Delaware, and south of Scranton is the Prep?s own broadcasting team, WSJP. The Co- Presidents of the club are Dan ?Danimal? Avington ?18 and Simon ?Big Sim? Williams ?18. The Co- VPs of the club are Ricky ?Rickward? Weipz ?19 and John ?Johnny Boy? Leuzzi ?19. The first question I asked them was what their favorite part of being an executive was, and Dan responded, ?Well, I prefer the term ?officer? not ?executive.?? Simon responded, ?Go Dawgs!? Ricky said, ?Dolphins have the best D-line in the NFL.? John said, ?Villanova for life. Let's go Cats baby. Jay Wright is my dad.?
The four WSJP executives using their 2016-17 Activity of the Year winnings for a trip to Disney World: (L to R) Dan Avington '18, Simon Williams '18, John Leuzzi '19, and Ricky Weipz '19.
I also asked them what their favorite part of broadcasting is. Dan said, ?I?m going to camp in this bush.? As you can tell by this comment, Dan is not very good at Fortnite. Simon said, ?Imagine if I never met the broskis. Go Dawgs!? Mr. Weipz explained to me, even though it was very random, ?Let?s go to Tilted.? John quoted Big Time Rush in his answer, ?When you go Big Time!? These responses don?t get
any more normal. I asked all of them who their favorite professional broadcaster is. Dan told me, ?My favorite is by far Meek Mill.? Simon said, ?Definitely have to go with the goat Grayson Allen. Go Dawgs!? Ricky said, ?I adore JJ Redick.? John responded with the first legitimate answer of the day, ?How could you not go with the best broadcaster ever, Harry Kalas? Whenever he sings ?High Hopes?after the Phillies win, I cry a little bit. If you don?t sing-along, you can?t be considered a Phillies fan. He has such a soothing voice.? Finally, I asked them who their favorite character from all the High School Musical movies is. Dan said, in an instant, ?Zeke, no debate. Such a beast. When he hit the 3 in the State Championship, I cheered so hard.? Simon responded, ?Rocketman was a really great character. Great addition to the State Championship winning East High Wildcats. Go Dawgs!? Ricky went out of the box with his answer, ?Troy Bolton.? John Leuzzi answered, ?Harry Kalas is my favorite character.? After he said that, I told John he is not in High School Musical but he responded, ?Doesn?t matter, Harry Kalas is the goat.? WSJP has themselves some characters running_their_club.
By Thomas Avington '20 The rumors are true. The Prep curling team is official. I talked to head coach Bill Avington ?90, the Prep?s Director of Communications, and he said, ?I?m very excited to be the head coach of this curling team. I am looking forward to the season. I?ve always been a huge curling fan, and love the fact that I have the opportunity to teach the younger generation the game that I love. We have a very talented roster and I think we?re going to win some games.? John Leuzzi ?19, the official captain of the team, said, ?Many do not know this, but I am basically a professional curler. I think my experience
?You know what they said in curling, ?Let?s do that curling.?? Garrett McCloskey, the future star of the team, said, ?My dad works here, it?s also his birthday, so I?m going to tribute all of our games to him.? Ronan Egan, now a twosport athlete, said, ?This is nothing like hockey, how do you play this? We play on ice, but don?t use skates. I am so confused.? Their first game sold out in 30 seconds. Take that Newsies! They had to move to another stadium to get more people in, and that took less than .5 seconds to sell out! The hype for this Prep Curling team is real and evident. John Leuzzi is described by his teammate Dan Avington as ?the Albert Pujols of Curling.? That is a real compliment because Pujols is a 600 home run hitter, so I don?t really understand why he is Albert Pujols
but I won?t question it. Dan Avington describes himself as ?the mustache buhl on the USA curling team.? His real name is Matt Hamilton, and he took the curling world by storm this past winter with his amazing mustache and his great curling skills. Garrett McCloskey?s self comparison is curling legend Waine Gratzky. Gratzky is not to be confused with hockey player Wayne Gretzky. According to Garrett, Waine Gratzky is the best athlete of all time in all of sports.
Team X-factor Dan Avington '18 in his interview with the World Curling Network. (Photo: SI .com)
will help out the team.? Dan Avington ?18, the X factor of the Prurling team, told me,
(Photo: vancouverisawesome.com)
Avington: Prep Cur ling Team L egitimately Exists!
Ronan Egan is going a little outside the box with his comparison. He compared himself to Prep student Ronan Egan. He is so humble. Ronan said, ?I think that Ronan is a great comparison for myself because he is just so great at everything he does.? Many believe that it will be the most popular sport at the Prep. Don?t sleep on this Prep Curling team, they are destined for success.
Team captain John Leuzzi '19 greeting fans before the game.
I n the Next Edition of The Hawkeye BREAKI NG: Second Floor Sinks The Prep Reverts to Old Schedule: "I was just too confused to keep going," says Petruzzelli Miller Flips Classroom Again so Students are the Ones Teaching Senior Lot Demolished to Build Raffa Home Report: Jack from Latin Has Sister Prockey's State Championship Revoked Due to Use of I llegal Hair Gel Speedy Reaches 433rd Loss
Argument in English Shakespeare Reading: Hamlet Deathcount Rises Talking With: The Merion Girls Waiting for the Bus in the Foyer in the Morning Prep Kicked Out of Catholic League Petruzzelli Takes Up Whole Day with Announcements, Students Pray for the End Next Week's Faculty Grid: All Mr. Camma "Blood Drive a success." - Vampires With No Experience, McCloskey Moves from Admissions to Latin Department