Volume 46, April Fool's Edition

Undercover I nvestigation @ L aSalle Page 8

Best Zoom Excuses!

GameStock Plea from Down Bad I nvestor

Page 13

Page 16

M s. Haban on the Joys of Spor ts Gambling Page 18

The Student Newspaper of St. Joseph's Prep

Vol. 46, I ssue V

1733 West Gir ar d Ave. Philadelphia, PA, 19130

Apr il 1, 2021

Lil Uzi Vert topped the record $5 million gift from the Howley Foundation, and the Prep is paying back the local rapper by naming the school after him.

Asynchronous Wednesdays

By L uke Gallagher ?23

The staff of The Hawkeye (and the entire student body for that matter) mourn the loss of Asynchronous Wednesdays.

On Thursday, February 4, the St. Joe?s Prep For Others Forever Campaign received a $5 million donation from Nick Howley ?70 of the Howley Foundation.

With it dies "my chance to catch up on homework" and "enough sleep." (Photo: Villiger Archives | TikTok)

After reading about Nick Howley's conMr. Vert tribution in the February issue of The Hawkeye, Lil Uzi Vert responded, saying, ?I just went up in my price. I just went up in my price. I just went up in my price. Money, my bank account, this all precise.? Born just a few blocks away see UZI p. 4

(Photo: Amazon.com)

Welcome to St. Uzi's Prep

RI P

Prominent benefactor Lil Uzi counts his money while sitting atop Mother Prep.

SAGE Goes Vir tual, Students Hungr y "Hi Hungry, I 'm Dad."

Asynchronous Wednesdays, or simply a "day off" as it lovingly came to be known as, was extremely short-lived. "It wasn't nearly around long enough for us to appreciate it, and now it's gone," said William Guckin '21 mournfully. For more obituaries, keep reading!

Picking Up Good Vibr ations Ghee now accompanies daily temperature checks with vibe checks. There have been many new restrictions and rules among the Prep due to COVID- 19, one of which is a temperature check at the door done by Director of Transportation and Student Activities Bryan Ghee. However, vibe checks are also beginning to be implemented with this mandatory temperature check.

In an effort to curb the spread of the coronavirus and student happiness, SAGE has turned to fully virtual dining, forcing students to look for three-dimensional food elsewhere.

That enjoyment comes to an abrupt halt as ravenous inperson students arrive at the cafeteria only to find that SAGE Dining Services has instituted fully- virtual dining.

Because of COVID- 19, the Prep has implemented a more relaxed dress code. Accordingly, this seems to have brought on new vibe checks when students first enter school each morning. Sean Prue ?22 reported being stopped as he walked into school and asked if his ?fit? (outfit) was ?valid? (worthy) by Ghee. Prue was given a three- day JUG because of his failure to pass Ghee?s vibe check.

Such was the case on March 4, when the switch from traditional food to vir-

Prue is not the only one who has been caught off guard by a vibe check.

see DI NI NG p. 8

Connor McDonald ?22 described being stopped one

By M ur phy Bonner '22

The clock strikes 4:13 pm. The clock, like all others in the school, is broken. Nevertheless, students know that the Prep?s timezone is five hours and thirteen minutes ahead of the Eastern time zone, making it 11:00 am. As inperson students shuffle out of class and virtual students log off, they know that for the next forty minutes they are free from usual stresses of the school

day and can enjoy their lunch period however they please.

(Photo: CDC)

(Photo: I s that what it used to be like?)

By M ar tin Gallagher '22

CDC officer Dr. William Smith, M.D., (left) examines Mr. Ghee's (right) new vibe checking technology.

morning as he ate his breakfast, a bacon, egg, and cheese, before the first bell. McDonald said, ?Mr. Ghee asked if I had a ?bev? (beverage) to drink with my sandwich.? McDonald, having no such drink with his ?rather dry bacon, egg, and cheese," was given one- day JUG. Many others have been given JUG by Ghee for not passing the vibe check. Despite these reports of not passing the vibe check, many students have also received approbation for their vibes. Luke Hoey ?22 explained how Ghee

applauded him for his ?calm vibe,? and was thus given a certificate for his passing vibe check. Hoey said he hung the certificate in his room, and it is a highlight of his career at the Prep. ?Sometimes the vibes simply must be checked," said Ghee. "This is just to ensure good vibes only in the 'vibesphere,'? which is what Ghee calls the Prep for some reason. The vibe check exists to ensure that there are only good vibes? or else!?

2 | WARNI NG: Serious Journalism Ahead | Thursday, April 1, 2021 | The Hawkeye Table of Contents

Savage: 1 - 4

(Yuh) : 5 - 6

Sassy: 7 - 12

Bouj ee: 13 - 17

Ratchet: 18-20

" I t's Been a L ong Time Coming" Historic Church of the Gesu will be site of future football super-stadium. By Aiden Ander son ?22

faculty were told. The rumor is that the money has now been funneled to fund the stadium. Quite conveniently, the estimated cost of the stadium is $5 million dollars. Coincidence? I think not. Apparently the Board has turned their attention to more important matters? the football stadium.

?We understand the historic significance of the Church,? the school wrote in a February 2021 email to students, parents, and staff. ?The Church was built under Father Villiger over a century ago in 1888. We realize that the Church of the Gesu has even made an appearance in The Sixth Sense. However, we do not care. The Board of Directors has unanimously decided that we must build our own football stadium. The only available space is where the Church of the Gesu currently stands.? The stadium is said to soon rival the likes of NFL stadiums like the brand new MercedesBenz stadium in Atlanta. The arena will feature a variety of food vendors, and they will only be available to anybody who is not a freshman. Furthermore, a trophy room will be added to make room for all

(Photo: Prep Demolition Club)

In a shocking turn of events, the Prep administration has announced that the Church of the Gesu will be torn down. The historic building will be replaced by a state- of- the- art football stadium.

A rendered mock-up of the undertaking, courtesy of the Prep Demolition Club

the state championships the team hopes to win. High Speed Wi-Fi is a part of the building plans so that students will be able to finish their Miller homework while watching the games. In order to keep the stadium clean, work-study students will be forced to clean the stadium, which unfortu-

nately includes erasing poems in the bathroom stalls. It has also been rumored that funds for the stadium have actually been supplied by the Howley Foundation. The donation was planned to provide scholarships and renovations for the school? at least that?s what the students, parents, and

Eamon Coffey ?22 said, ?It looks like football is officially the new religion of St. Joe?s Prep. I?m looking forward to watching some football instead of taking naps during Mass.? Although, the school has not fully given up its Jesuit and Catholic roots. The administration has also made this decision to further the idea that the Prep is better than La Salle. By building this grand stadium, we will be rubbing into La Salle?s face that our football team hardly ever loses to them, and I?m certainly not complaining about that.

terback and tight end on the football team, said, ?I hope that we can show every other team in the state that these past couple of years have not been a fluke. The Prep football team?s dominance is going to last for decades.? Some members of the neighborhood community have given thanks for the news. Although, it seems they are grateful that the Prep has decided to tear down the Church rather than tearing down their homes. Opponents of the stadium have been quickly silenced. Perhaps the greatest appreciator of the Church of the Gesu, Mr. Conners ?80, has been missing for weeks now. He was last seen crying outside of the Church as cranes and construction workers began to show up. In another email to the student body, the Prep stated that anyone who dares oppose the stadium can ?transfer to La Salle.?

It?s also evident that winning four of the last six state championships is not enough for the administration or student body. Dane Picarello ?22, a quar-

School Fight Song Changed to M edley of Joni M itchell Hits The Prep community has had some time to look at it from both sides now, and while some shake their heads and say we've changed, for others it is as if every fairy tale became real. Joni Mitchell? the famous 77- year- old Canadian born singer songwriter from the Woodstock generation? offered her catalog to St. Joseph?s Prep on March 19th?s feast of St. Joseph. Well something's lost, but something's gained: our new fight song includes exquisite Joni material spanning four decades and 23 beautiful albums, but on the other hand we won?t be swinging on along with a hip- hip- hip hooray anymore. ?While I will miss our beloved fight song,? said Director of Communications Bill Avington, ?90, ?Joni?s sweet words are a worthy replacement.? By establishing her undeniable reputation as the greatest

songwriter in world history, Joni Mitchell has been much more than a captive on the carousel of time. Famous since her 1968 debut album Song to a Seagull, Mitchell is beloved by billions for her soulsearching albums such as Court and Spark, Blue, Ladies of the Canyon, and The Hissing of Summer Lawns.

(Photo: Ryan J. Reilly '05 | The Hawklet)

By L eo J. Vaccaro ?05

?At least the students will have a good reason for not knowing the words,? said School Librarian Sonia Nelson. The new fight song starts with the distinctive melodies of ?Help Me,? ?Free Man in Paris? and ?Car on a Hill?? bold choices that demand virtuosity on 1974?s double platinum Court and Spark. In order to take this performance to the next level Matt Bae, ?21, pawned his beloved Stradivarius so that he could afford to buy the Princess Dulcimer and ended up in a bidding war with the Smithsonian. When it was performed for the first time in the Kelly Fieldhouse yesterday, the SJP

Prep History teacher Mr. Leo Vaccaro '05 crowd-surfs during Joni Mitchell's performance at the Isle of Wright festival.

student section became particularly fired up while belting out lines from the critically acclaimed 1971 album Blue. Generation Z voices sung out so bitter and so sweet and as constant as a northern star.

don?t include ?A Case of You,? I?m quitting. How else are we supposed to rally the boys?? Sure, it was a bit distracting when they got to that part about Canada, but at least he?s still on his feet.

It wasn?t just a dream some of us had: the inclusion of one hit from Blue was an absolute must for English teacher Kevin Kearney, ?06. After hearing the news about the new fight song Kearney exclaimed, ?If they

Eventually the song met both crescendo and climax with ?The Magdalene Laundries,? ?The Sire of Sorrows? and ?Sex Kills,? all deeply meaningful tracks from 1994?s Turbulent Indigo.

?A well considered update,? said History Faculty Chair Mr. Dave Fortin. ?If the next version could include Bruno Mars then the Prep would truly be a 21st century school.? ?The fight song has needed to change for a long time, because it?s always been about, well, fighting,? said professional musician and alumnus Daniel Schwartz, ?05. ?Joni?s hippie ideals of pacifism are the perfect replacement.? Last week La Salle tweeted that they were in talks with Linda Ronstadt for the use of her catalogue, but word is that they were dismayed to discover that ?Poor Poor Pitiful Me? was actually written by Warren Zevon. March 2021 has been a historic month in the Catholic League and Prep Archivist Bill Conners, ?80, is already getting nostalgic, ?In the 44 years since my freshman year, I never liked that old fight song. Don't it always seem to go, you don't know what you've got, till it's gone.?

The Hawkeye | Thursday, April 1, 2021 |

Journalisming | 3

Cooking Club Uses Over heating Chromebooks to M ake Breakfast By Joseph K r iz '22 Over the last few years, our school- issued Chromebooks have helped students achieve their goals in and out of school. Whether it?s homework, projects, or drafts of Hawkeye articles, these machines generally get the job done. Chromebooks seem harmless enough. However, there does seem to be a recurring problem with them overheating. There have been numerous complaints filed by students about how their Chromebooks just get way too hot. Many of these complaints have been filed with the Useless Computer Corporation (UCC) and the We Should Buy Our Own Laptop Agency (WSBOOLA). Sometimes the Chromebooks get so hot that they can burn a hole in your desk! These Chromebooks aren?t really that useful, especially when they are fire hazards. One student had an incredible idea, which would make these overheating Chromebooks much more useful. Nic Smith ?22, Vice President of the Prep?s Cooking Club, thought it would be awesome to use these seemingly useless overheating Chromebooks to cook food.

Just one week earlier, there was a heist. Someone broke into the Rooney Room, headquarters of the Cooking Club, and stole the gas stoves that they typically use. There are numerous suspects, including the Burger King, the Mothers? Club, and the Mathletes. More information on the investigation to come.

to distribute before school in the next two weeks! The amount of pancakes was not counted, since nobody had expected that so many pancakes could be made. A rough estimate by The Estimation Authority (TEA) pinned the number at 2,000. Yes, 2,000 pancakes were made, during a 40minute Community Period? with Chromebooks!

With the stoves missing and the suspect on the loose, using overheated Chromebooks to cook food during Community Period seemed like a logical replacement. The Cooking Club assembled as many overheated Chromebooks as they could (there were a lot of them), and plugged them into an outlet to charge. Using chargers for the Chromebooks was a very effective way to help warm them up for sizzling. For the first time, the Cooking Club was cooking without their mundane gas stovetops, and with these Chromebooks they attempted to concoct their famous homemade pancakes. To make these pancakes, they made a whole bunch of batter, and distributed it among the stoves. The cooking was pretty similar to the gas stovetops, except for the fact that some of the batter kept getting stuck in

The pancakes were fantastic and the Cooking Club found a good solution to their stolen stove problem. Now, we don?t need to refer to those pesky Chromebooks as useless. We can simply make them useful by giving them to the Cooking Club to make good use of all that heat. The all-new Lenovo 100E sports and quad-burner system with nearly twice the stovetop space. The Cooking Club hopes to invest in these new models by end-of-year.

the keys. ?For having attempted to cook with Chromebooks for the first time, everything seemed to work out well,? said Cooking Club President Nate Murawski ?22. ?These are some of the finest pancakes that we have ever made, and that includes the ones we?ve made before on the actual stovetops!?

What could have been known as ?The Great Cooking Club Disaster of 2021? turned out to be a wonderful experience for the Cooking Club. All students who participated in making the pancakes agreed that the overheating Chromebooks were very effective in making delicious pancakes. In fact, so many pancakes were made that there were extras stored away by SAGE Dining

The Cooking Club has expressed interest in using their Chromebooks once again to cook their next meal, blueberry tacos! Although that doesn?t sound good at all, the club is very optimistic and hopeful that they can continue further without any more disturbances of any kind.

Guantanamo Bay Conver ted into 5-Star Hotel for Detained Capitol Rioter s By Aiden Vallecillo ?22 The Department of Defense announced new plans today to convert the Guantanamo Bay detention camp into a five-star hotel to house those arrested for the January 6 violence at the US Capitol. In an official press release, Secretary of Defense Christopher C. Miller laid out the plans to renovate the Guantanamo Bay detention camp, which will include a new swimming pool, spacious rooms, beach cabanas, and a state- of- the- art kitchen that will serve three all- organic meals a day. All in all, the list of renovations is anything but The board of the infamous detention center has announced a complete reversal of their prior held policies. Evening roll calls are reportedly being terse. Although the detention replaced by bedtime stories and a 5-star chef will be onsite to accommodate the prisoner 's dietary restrictions. camp was once known for its ?refined interrogation techraged by the notion of housing firmed his fervent law and orwe would prosecute them to colony. This has drawn critiniques,? the US Department of seditious rioters in a five- star der stance and said to rethe fullest extent.? cism from human rights acDefense is porters, ?This tivists who claim that being As for the detainees formerly hopeful that "They?ll be forced to live in the South punishment is forced to live in South held at Guantanamo Bay, there they can efperfect for the Philadelphia counts as even Philadelphia section of the city as part of a are talks of them being transfectively rebrave patriots worse than cruel and unusual ported to Philadelphia, where brand the penal colony." who stormed punishment. they?ll be forced to live in the camp into a the Capitol. South Philadelphia section of hotel. In response, former luxury detainment center. But rest assured, if this were a the city as part of a penal president Donald Trump reafserious crime like tax evasion, Many Americans are out-

4 | Newsies | Thursday, April 1, 2021 | The Hawkeye

from the Prep, Lil Uzi Vert soon became a prominent figure at the school. He has fully embraced himself in the brotherhood aspect of the Prep, driving by every Friday afternoon with his fleet of Lamborghinis to pray the Examen with his fellow Prep brothers. He even occasionally fills in for Mr. Ghee with the afternoon announcements and, being the "Man For and With Others" that he is, drives the 5:20 p.m SJ8 Prep bus to Suburban Station to improve his relationship with his brothers at 17th and Girard. Lil Uzi Vert commented on his relationship with the Prep saying, ?You see me everywhere you look, no, you can?t hide or run.? When Lil Uzi Vert found out that he may not be the star of the show anymore at 17th and Girard, he took matters into his own hands. On Friday, February 5, Lil Uzi Vert donated $5 million and one dollars to the St. Joe?s Prep For Others Forever Capital Campaign, topping the record $5 million dollar gift from the Howley Foun-

M en For and With Uzi dation. With that donation, Lil Uzi Vert goes down in history as contributing the largest ever gift made in the school?s 170year history.

monds Forever Campaign, teaching students about conflict- free diamonds, and how they can take that knowledge and use it to become more like him by implanting diamonds into all of their heads. Doing so, the Prep community will grow even closer as one, permanently.

The Prep graciously accepted his donation and pledged to rename St. Joseph?s Preparatory School to St. Uzi?s Prep come September 2021. After sitting down and talking with Mrs. Betsy Courtney, Chief Development Officer at the Prep, Lil Uzi Vert told the Prep community that, ?She said I?m insane yeah. I don?t really care if you cry. I?m with the winnin?team, they make sure I?m not in last place.? Mrs. Betsy Courtney applauded his ?Price is Right?esque donation and said, ?Lil Uzi, he is so far from the timid.? Lil Uzi Vert went on to say, ?I got static in my city, who?s with me?? And you can bet your money that Mrs. Betsy Courtney was with him. In response to why he felt the need to top the generous $5 million dollar donation from the Howley Foundation, Lil Uzi Vert said, ?I wear more Supreme than a hypebeast. Yeah, whole lot of, whole lot

(Photo: He Parked in the Bus Lane AHHHHH)

UZI from page 1

In November 2018, rapper Lil Uzi Vert and his financial team had an exploratory investment meeting with St. Joseph's Prep executives. While a deal was not made on that day, steps were made to ensure a future donation. On his way out of the Prep Finance Office, Vert was spotted, and students met him on Girard Avenue. Not a phone in sight: everyone just living in the moment.

of red rubies on my neck. I know it hurts sometimes but you?ll get over it.?

In addition to the Lil Uzi Vert For Diamonds Forever Campaign, the soon- to- be St. Uzi?s Prep is happy to announce the switch from SAGE Dining to McDonald?s Cafe. With this switch, St. Uzi?s Prep will offer quality food to their students such as non- soggy fries, year- round Shamrock Shakes, and the Travis Scott Meal. With September just around the corner, St. Uzi?s Prep is excited for the changes that are in the works. The Prep was ecstatic that Lil Uzi Vert was able to help the school and is looking forward to its re-branding next year.

Lil Uzi Vert expressed that his donation will go to creating the new Lil Uzi Vert For Dia-

M athletes Factored into College Admissions Scandal A quote that has assuaged the woes of countless math students through the ages is one of theoretical physicist Albert Einstein: ?Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics; I can assure you that mine are still greater.? This quote served as the guiding principle of the Mathletes Team one of the more understated clubs at the Prep. Their purpose was simple: Do math and have fun doing it. That innocuous goal came crashing down, however, when the co- curricular activity recently became mired in one of the most infamous scandals of the past several years. In the inchoate stages of her career, Lorie Laughlin received plaudits for her portrayal of Rebecca Donaldson- Katsopolis on the beloved ABC sitcom Full House. In this role, Laughlin was able to balance being a mother to twins with her journalism career. (On the series?s sequel Fuller House, Donaldson- Katsopolis is evidently the co- host of a nationally syndicated talk show.) Laughlin?s fame quickly morphed into noto-

(Photo: Wait, was Bobby a Double Agent?)

By Danny Deeney ?22

The Prep's most popular club poses for their mugshots after being implicated in one of the biggest scandals in college admissions history.

riety when she became the face of a shocking scandal in 2019. She, along with 33 other parents of high- schoolers, were revealed to have used bribery and fraud to secure enrollment for their children in certain highly- regarded colleges and universities. Collectively, they paid more than $25 million to William Rick Singer of the Key Worldwide Foundation and The Edge College and Career Network. Many of the parents got off easy compared to Singer. Laughlin served a measly two months in prison for her wrongdoings; Singer has been dealt a 65- year sentence and a $1.25 million fine. Although the scandal is

nearly two years old, it continues to enter the news with new developments. The most recent revelation implicates none other than the St. Joseph?s Prep Mathletes team. Indeed, the top aides of Singer worked in tandem with the Prep?s own Mathletes to conceal the extensive money laundering, test score falsification, and mail fraud involved in the operation. While Singer?s aides handled the politics of the scandal in negotiations with admissions officers, the mathletes were enlisted to do the dirty work: falsifying the scores while maintaining a facade of accuracy and handling the fiscal components

of the enterprise. It was not easy to keep up with the rapid pace of Singer?s work. He had so many clients that the Mathletes simply could not cover up the criminal happenings. Since the scandal came to light, however, they?ve worked doubletime to make sure they maintain their own innocence, albeit in vain. As mathlete Bobby Woltjen ?22 said, ?We had some late nights at the Prep figuring out how to make it work. It took its toll on us all. [...] he truth is that none of us really wanted to be there. We were being forced into it.? Woltjen elaborated that the coach of the Mathletes, Math Department faculty member Mr. Camma, was the architect of the mathematical operation. It is suspected that he has ties of some nature to the lampooned Singer. Unfortunately, those ties remain a mystery for the time being, as Mr. Camma declined to comment for this article. Revelations about the Mathletes? involvement in the cover-up are impending, however. The Federal Bureau of Investigation has opened an investigation into

the extent of the team?s activity. It is unlikely that anyone on the Mathletes will be criminally prosecuted, although the team may be forced to disband indefinitely, which would exacerbate the team?s tribulations from the past year. Their scores for the 2020-21 season have already been nullified as a result of the illicit undertakings of a handful of Prep juniors. Team captain Frankie Nieves ?21 stated, ?It was bad enough to have to compete online this year. Now that we?ve been roped into all this, we have absolutely no chance of moving forward in the league.? Nieves had been among the top four competitors in the Philadelphia league prior to the team?s downfall. ?It?s a pretty rough way to end my senior year.? The year was not completely abysmal for the Prep Mathletes. They acquired team t-shirts, which Thomas Davies ?22 described as ?kinda heat.? On the whole, though, the team has lost its founding purpose: to revel in the world of mathematics. Their difficulties, at least from a legal perspective, might surpass those of Einstein at this point.

The Hawkeye | Thursday, April 1, 2021 |

News | 4½

Hawkeye I nvestigation: What's Behind Blur ?

The Hawkeye poses five theories on what those well-placed blurs could be concealing in social media posts.

By Gar rett M cCloskey ?21

Since the dawn of the internet, FBI investigators have been baffled by the blurred pixels and digital stickers frequenting the Instagram photos of partying teenagers. The blurs, often covering objects on cluttered tables and in subjects? hands, have caused quite the stir among social media sleuths. What could possibly be behind these blurs? The Hawkeye investigates.

Theor y #1: Mat h Text book s W hen re-creating images like these without the blurred pixels, technical forensic analysts consistently circle back to mathematics textbooks, and this should come as no surprise. Prep students are known for turning the pages on the fifth edition of David S. Moore?s ?The Practice of Statistics?to review standard deviations of discrete random variables on any given Friday night.

The Or iginal

Theor y #2: Gir ar d Ave. Pie Guy's Pies Above: The FBI recreated a suspicious Instagram post. Two water bottles and an artificial pumpkin were blurred. A "Saturdays Are For the Boys" banner has been digitally added for realistic effects. Bel ow : Enhanced close-ups of the photo areas in question. [Moderator note: these are actually water bottles]

Theor y #3: 10 t h Dent ist

9 out of 10 dentists recommend Crest Toothpaste. These teens could be graciously shielding the identity of the 10th.

Theor y #4: The Blood of Chr ist

Roman Cathol-holics may utilize a free evening to bond over a Eucharist meal.

Neu r ol ogists ar e activel y stu dyin g th e psych ol ogical effects of bl u r s an d an y possibl e cou n ter bal an ce effects to ?basic? back gr ou n ds for ph otos of th ese gr ou ps. Recen t social m edia an al ysis by The H awkeye staff r eveal s fem al es aged 18-20 fr equ en tl y pr efer back gr ou n ds of tapestr ies an d ph oto col l ages. M ean wh il e, m al es aged 18-20 often pose in fr on t of Am er ican fl ags an d ?Satu r days Ar e For th e Boys? ban n er s th at ar e al l egedl y ?so sick .? Al so, both gen der s appear to h ave a fon dn ess for dim l y-l it wh ite wal l s an d tabl e ten n is ar en as.

Missing in action since at least 2018, the Girard Avenue Bridge Pie Guy and his key lime pies have earned a four-year retreat. As this theory goes, the group has somehow tracked down the pies and blurred the desserts in order to deter pie solicitors.

Theor y #5: All-New 20 21 For d F-150

Equipped with massive 37" BFGoodrich® All Terrain T/ A® KO2 tires and best-in-class available towing, the all-new 2021 Ford F-150 is well-equipped for your heavy-duty needs. Next Generation FOX? shocks with Live Valve technology will ensure a smooth ride on even the most rigid terrain. ?A relentlessly tough, high-strength, military-grade, aluminum-alloy body and torture-tested high-strength steel frame with new tech to help you work smarter and harder.?

6 | Not-So-Current Events | Thursday, April 1, 2021 | The Hawkeye

Students Appear to Contr act COVI D-19 from I n-Per son M ath Tests "I t's probably just best if I stay home and take it virtually"

(Photo: OFFI CI AL Department of Education)

person tests that they have a chance to contract COVID- 19 in school. On days where the same students don?t have inperson tests, they will be in school because they want to see their friends. Some teachers have become upset with students switching to virtual learning on test days. ?I used to have a million kids in this classroom," says Raffa. "Now I have one kid in person on test day and a ton of others on this Zoom thing that I don?t even know how to work.?

Student-generated transmission diagram that details the passage of viral particles from test paper to stressed student. CDC probably recommends we should just cancel finals.

By Aidan Sweeney ?22 During hybrid learning at St. Joseph?s Preparatory School, testing has become a problem for many teachers around the school. This is because when students are supposed to be inperson for their tests, many choose to stay home. The teachers are unsure why so many students are following this trend. One teacher, Mr. Raffa, said, ?These are great students at this prestigious school, we?re

sure that they have good reasoning for wanting to stay home.?

?For some reason, I never felt safe from COVID- 19 while taking a ?For some reason, I never felt test inThe stu- safe from COVI D-19 while taking person and dents are I seem to a test in-person and I seem to do fervent that better at home. My friends that I do better at staying home. My home is FaceTime with to get answers for friends that only helpmy tests agree with me, too.? I FaceTime ing them to with to get do better ? Jack Wagner '21 answers for on tests my tests because they don?t have to agree with me, too.? The stuworry about COVID- 19. One dents seem to think that it is student, Jack Wagner '21, said, only on days that they have in-

SPOTTHEDIFFERENCE

Teachers seem to be frustrated at their inability to watch the students during these tests and regulate possible cheating, but as stated earlier by Mr. Raffa, the teachers trust that the students are not staying home just to cheat and they think that they have good reasoning to be home, even though their reasoning is that they want to cheat. The teachers have full trust in the students that they will eschew from any academic dishonesty. Students who are working virtually for tests are getting better grades than those who

come into school on test day. No one in the school administration is sure why this is the case. They are starting to side with student Jack Wagner's point that students feel safer at home while taking a test. They are not sure why these students only feel unsafe on days where they would have inperson tests. The administration thinks that possibly the thought of having to take a test is making students more susceptible to COVID-19. School administrators say that ?The students may be stressed while testing, which we think may make them more likely to contract COVID- 19.? This is an interesting theory, as medical professionals have not proved anything about stress relating to the contraction of COVID-19. It has been an interesting year so far for everyone at St. Joseph?s Preparatory School; they can only hope that these students stay away from COVID- 19? and away from the horrors of inperson testing.

I n Memoriam: FlexiSched

Pope Francis receives a Prep Football jersey from former Mayor of Philadelphia Michael N utter '75 With extreme lightheartedness and exuberant celebration, The Hawkeye is overjoyed to announce the passing of FlexiSched. ?It?s dead!? proclaimed students and teachers across the school yesterday.

Pope Francis meets Donald Trump

(H/t Dan McQuade)

Soon after its implementation during Prep Community Hour, FlexiSched began showing symptoms of glitching, user-unfriendliness, and ?all around not working.? Cause of death is still unknown, but is believed to be a record low of usage by students. FlexiSched is survived by absolutely no relatives and will be triumphantly buried in the grave next to the theprepapp.com and Powerschool?s Adaptive Scheduler.

The Hawkeye | Thursday, April 1, 2021 |

Features

Features | page # here

There are 7 hidden Waldos in this issue. (Including these 2!)

Can you find them all?

The Secret L ife of Bro K ania By Andrew Ser govic'22

?I was really confused,? Mr. Gambone stated. ?I had never heard of or even seen this club, yet on a transcript I read they had been receiving multiple thousands of dollars monthly for decades now. When I asked a member of the finance department who asked to not be named about this funding, I was immediately removed from the first floor of J Hall. This is when I knew something was up.?

On the outside, Mr. Paul ?Bro? Kania was just a normal man. Spending every morning in past years in the cafeteria, Bro Kania was a friendly face as soon as students and colleagues alike entered the building for his long tenure at the Prep. For the freshmen who never got the chance to meet him, Bro Kania holds four Prep Teacher records: Heaviest Deadlift as a Teacher, Longest and most luscious locks, tallest teacher at the Prep (coming in at 6? 5?), and teaching for half of a century.

Mr. Gambone reported that for many days he could not sleep. A man known for his peace and grace, he claimed to have been having a hard time gaining peace of mind with these new developments. He ?yearned to figure out what this club is, and what secrets it held. He needed to dig deeper.?

When asked about Bro, Joe Massaua ?21 exclaimed, ?Mr. Kania?s class was very enlightening. Bro was able to connect with every one of his students, and I have never met someone who didn?t have a good experience with him.? English teacher Thomas Lederer ?13 said, ?Bro Kania was an all around great man who truly had his student?s priorities first. This stands true both in my experience with him as a student and as a colleague.? Bro retired after the 20192020 school year, as concerns of COVID-19 were paramount. As Bro departed from the Prep for the last time, many faculty and alumni wanted to look back on all the years fondly. When looking through old yearbooks, one antiquated club long forgotten was dis-

Mr. Gambone snuck into the catacombs of the Prep (yes, they exist). Gambone found a long forgotten tunnel, closed off to the public and forgotten amongst the several renovations the Prep has accumulated over the years. Never before seen photographic evidence of one of Bro's many money laundering schemes within the Prep's walls.

covered by Mr. Michael Gambone. The club, named the SJP Beanie Bros Club, was once very active with weekly meetings but has since been disbanded. Mr. Gambone joined the Prep?s Religious Studies department in the 2018-19 school year, and thus never saw the

club active. Intrigued, he had to learn more. Mr. Gambone went to the finance department, to try to piece together a fiscal path to finding this lost club, hoping this would give him clues. Gambone was astounded to discover that the club was still actively receiving funds from the Prep.

Gambone claimed that ?as [he] entered them, equipped with [his] torch (Indiana Jones Style), [he] found a door.? He continued by explaining, ?When I opened it, there was an entire lair. Bookcases upon bookcases, stacked to the brim with everything from Bibles to books on how to hypnotize people. There were filing cabinets filled with legal docu-

FORMA L

ments, tax forms, and many financial- Prep related items. I remember turning and seeing a coat hanger, the one thing on it being the infamous black beanie, having stood the test of time. I kept ravenously searching, and I found a few forms for different properties.? Gambone reported he found evidence that Mr. Kania was much wealthier than anticipated, owning a mansion on the Black Sea that speculators first believed to belong to Russian President Vladimir Putin. He found records of payment stubs paid by Mr. Kania to numerous current and former Prep administrators, along with numerous old pirate swords, the original Mona Lisa, and Statue of Liberty?s crown. He seemed to funnel money from the club to promote his art endeavors. Federal, local, and Jesuit authorities have searched the rest of the catacombs, but have not found anything yet. The Hawkeye reached out to Bro for a statement, but he mysteriously refused to comment. What does the future hold for Bro Kania? Having run the Prep behind the scenes for so long, what does the Prep look like without him? Has there ever truly been a St. Joe's Prep, or have we always been St. Bro?s Prep?

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8 | Camma I ncoming... | Thursday, April 1, 2021 | The Hawkeye

Hawkeye I nvestigation: Undercover at L a Salle The Hawkeye confirms the obvious ulty.

Prep versus La Salle. A rivalry that has spanned multiple generations. Despite being within a half- hour drive from La Salle for so long, the question still remains: How well do we REALLY know our La Salle rivals? On behalf of The Hawkeye, I decided to launch a large-scale undercover investigation to get to the bottom of what really goes on at 8605 West Cheltenham Ave.

After lunch was science; a frog dissection scheduled for 1:30. Upon entering the lab I was caught off guard, it was set up like a gladiator arena. Inside were two frogs, pitted against one another. The loser would be the unfortunate subject. I quickly decided that we had seen enough and went to the language department. La Salle only offers one language, an ancient demonic language meant to communicate with eldritch horrors beyond our comprehension. After spending some time in the classroom and accidentally summoning a demon, I finally called it quits and decided to head back to the Prep.

(Photo: The Ghost of LaSalle's Former Adequacy

By Conor Flaher ty ?24

What I found was horrifying.

I entered first period with a ketchup- stained dress shirt, untied shoes, and a sloppily tied tie: standard La Salle uniform. Walking up to the front entrance, I was immediately greeted by the smell of rotting The Explorers clearly haven't discovered basic lawncare, landscaping, and building construction. Get lost Explorers! fish and old milk, a popular lunch item among the students As for the students that still way of teaching than that of the hours of sleep they had in and faculty. The stench only attend, they are miserable. The the Prep?s. At La Salle, instead the past week. Any student worsened as I entered the average La Salle student is of writing and going over difwith five or more is immedibuilding, but that?s not the only treated to 8- 10 hours of work ferent types of books, they deately expelled for too much thing I per night, cide to only focus on one book, free time. "I was immediately greeted by and taking Old Yeller. But, get this, they found there. Free period was next, but Upon en- the smell of rotting fish and old breaks is don?t analyze or annotate anywas quite uneventful. It contering the milk, a popular lunch item among strictly thing. Instead, they are forced sisted of watching paint dry on building, forbidden. to read the part when the dog the students and faculty." the south wall of the old buildthe first Sleep is a dies, and re- read it again and ing for about an hour, after thing I saw was the large wall luxury that many students canagain until they become emowhich the students headed to of names, which spans roughly not afford. tionally numb to it. After lunch. Rotting fish and old the distance of a football field. visiting the English departFirst period, I investigated milk was the special, but stuThese names belong to all the ment, I decided to pay a visit to the English department. Turns dents also had the option of students expelled for ?having the Math department. There, out that the La Salle English dog food as a side dish, a delifun? (per La Salle administrathe students have to calculate department has a very different cacy for the students and factors).

I reported my findings to The Hawkeye, still in shock from what I had witnessed. There?s still so much we don?t know about La Salle, like, ?Do they have a pool?? and ?How big is their pool?? These questions will remain unanswered for some time, but hopefully this investigation will serve as a little window into the daily happenings at La Salle College High School. If there?s one thing I?ve learned, it?s that I sure am glad I chose the Prep.

A New (S)age of Dining tual food took effect. The move came as a way to mitigate the spread of the coronavirus as well as a way to save the school money on saran wrap. Students no longer have to take off masks while eating or have to exchange any physical money since the only currency accepted is Bitcoin. While all were notified of the change via email, many students were caught off guard because they were notified via email. ?Do people even still use email?? one student questioned as he downloaded the PDF of his burger and fries. Instead of waiting in line, picking up three dimensional food that can be eaten, and paying either in

cash or with a student?s lunch account, students now must go to the finance office, trade cash for bitcoin, and then download the virtual food they would like for lunch. Students can choose between PDF, JPEG or PNG. ?I just stare at a picture of chicken tenders and fries for an hour and then go back to class,? said Sean Mahoney ?22. ?I?m not really sure what I am paying for.? After only being instituted for two weeks some teachers are reporting ?overall sluggishness and odd behavior from students'' as it is rumored some have started eating library books for sustenance. This is obviously not true given the fact that the library does not have

(Photo: SAGE Dining Advertising Material)

DI NI NG from page 1

A New Normal: Nicholas Bedrossian '22 attempts to enjoy the burger and fries that he downloaded for lunch, a PDF, but wishes, "[that] I could actually eat it and not just look at it."

any books, but other instances of erratic behavior have become much more common.

about the change for other reasons.

?I used to use the hot ketchup "Students no longer have to Prep Scipackets take off masks while eating or ence from my Teacher Dr. have to exchange any physical lunch as money since the only currency hand Campbell accepted is Bitcoin." said, ?We warmers had to barricade the lab for my walk home and sold doors after students atthe rest at Flyers' games,? tempted to cook the fetal said Nicholas Bedrossian pigs on a bunsen burner.? ?22. ?Now, I will be freezing and have to let my cusSome students are angry tomers down.?

To protest, many students, from across all grade levels, have banded together to participate in a hunger strike until the change is reversed. The only issue with this protest is that those protesting are indistinguishable from those not. Both groups are not eating during the lunch period and staring at their laptops. The protesters point to their lack of nourishment as the reason for their poor foresight. ?We just want food,? said Chris Henkels ?23, ?I have forgotten how to chew.? Some people, however, see the digitalization as a good thing, specifically the Prep?s Wrestling Team. ?I dropped into a weight class that I didn?t even know existed,? boasted Matthew Pogwist ?22, who is now slated to go undefeated next season. SAGE plans on unveiling virtual seating in the coming months to continue to expand their virtual capabilities.

The Hawkeye | Thursday, April 1, 2021 |

All My Homies Love SAGE | 9

Taking Talents to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Mr. Camma details his time with President Biden's Secret Service team By K ier an Dougher ty ?21 A member of the Prep community recently received the promotion of a lifetime. Mr. Gregory Camma, who has asked to remain anonymous for his own safety, was recently promoted from his previous position of Kmart security guard to the head of President Biden?s Secret Service detail. I was able to speak with now Officer Camma for a brief time on one of his long lunch breaks. Officer Camma told me the promotion was a shock. He was driving through Delaware when two men in black suits, who according to him looked very similar to Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones, pulled him over and informed him of his promotion. Strangely, Camma does not remember anything after that.

life. If President Biden is ever bargain shopping, Officer Camma will help him shop in the most efficient way. Finally, if President Biden ever gets confused by a self checkout station Officer Camma will be able to, as Officer Camma said, ?unconfuse him.? Now most people know just how dangerous it is to be a Secret Service Agent, let alone the head of the Secret Service. I asked Officer Camma to describe the most life-threatening situation that he?s faced thus far in his three months at the White House. Officer Camma paused, obviously struggling to tell the story as it haunts him so much. After a deep breath, he was finally able to tell me how one day, President Biden decided to wear a suit that resembled Gumby, Biden?s two German Shepherds favorite toys. When the dogs caught sight of the President, they charged at him as they thought he was a toy.

Mr. Camma, a former Kmart security cop turned St. Joseph's Prep math teacher has brought his law enforcement expertise to President Joe Biden's Secret Service detail. Months into the job, Camma reveals the best parts of the gig. Above: Camma fends off a protester at an event where Biden was endorsing Camma for the local mayoral race.

After telling this horrifying Once informed of his protale, Officer Camma wanted to motion, Camma had to reflect talk about some of the more back on the skills he obtained enjoyable things he has done at while at K-mart to prepare him the White House. for his new job. He went ?Joe [Biden] likes to play shuffleboard a back over his skills such ?Joe likes to play as the phonetic alphabet, lot, and when he does, the Oval Office is shuffleboard a lot,? long lunch break at Mc- left unattended. So, that?s when I have Camma said, ?and when Donald?s, and his domi- my fun and prank call world leaders.? he does, the Oval Office nance of the K-mart seis left unattended. So, curity obstacle course. ? Mr. Gregory Camma that?s when I have my However, he told me that Secret Service Agent for President Biden fun and prank call world these were not the skills leaders.? At this point Officer Camma that aided him the most in his Camma said that his favorite stepped in between the dogs new position. person to call is Her Majesty and the President and he ?was Camma expects that the Queen Elizabeth II. willing to lay down his life for skills he has mastered which Gumby.? Fortunately, the dogs ?Lizzy is so fun to mess led to his selection are the folrecognized Officer Camma, as with. You should hear how lowing: If President Biden is he frequently snuck them Mcmad she gets every time I call ever in imminent danger from Donald?s Big Macs when the her when I ask her how it feels a rogue shopping cart Officer President was sleeping, and the her kingdom blew a 13-colony Camma will be able to save his threat was neutralized. lead to a bunch of farmers.?

But prank calls must come to an end when duty calls. Officer Camma was given a very serious mission just after the Inauguration. The annual World Leader Softball Game was to be played and Camma was told he would need to play centerfield to keep the peace between Biden, playing left field, and former President Donald Trump, playing right field. ?You know the baseball part was easy, growing up everyone thought I was the next Mickey Mantle. The hardest part was keeping Joe and Donny in position. It seemed like every inning Joe kept drifting more left and Donny kept drifting more right. I didn't understand why they were playing so close to

the line.? Officer Camma says his favorite part of the game was when he threw Kim Jong Un out at second base after Un hit a ?nuke,? as Camma referred to it as, off the wall but was so slow Camma was able to throw him out. The game ultimately ended when the umpire walked off the field after Trump would not stop arguing balls and strikes. All in all, Officer Camma has had a very eventful first few months as President Biden?s head of Secret Service, and myself and the rest of the Prep community wish him nothing but success.

L unch Tables Str ike, Unionize By Bobby Woltj en ?22 A violent scuffle on the picket line marked the seventh month of the ongoing Prep lunch table strike. Two of the desks brought in to break the strike were attacked, provoking a scuffle outside the entrance to the school. Police managed to separate the belligerents, and the desks escaped with only minor injuries. When asked if this changed its opinion on working through the strike, one desk said, ?It could be worse. I?ve heard what the students do to the bathroom stalls.?

not end until demands were met. ?We will not kneel to the bosses. Both because of our principles and because our legs don?t bend.? Tables are seeking better working conditions and pay. They have long complained of the abuse forced upon them by students in the cafeteria. They are often left covered in the debris of multiple lunch rushes. Remains of cookies, abandoned fries, and empty bottles sit amidst puddles of drinks about which no one

suffered from the strike. A group of non- union desks has been brought in to replace the striking tables. While admittedly not as well trained in the career of holding up lunches, the school reports that the desks are doing a fine job. The tables? union has expressed fury at the desks, calling them ?scabs.? Some students joined the striking tables in their fury. ?The time has come for the working furniture of this city to rise up!? said Aidan Vallecio ?22. ?The only thing we have to lose is our chains!? Picket lines continue

"Usually I ?m a proud labor supporter, but to be an ineffective The strike has been now I ?m just confused." strike method, as the

organized and kept tables are unable to going by the Interna? John "Johnny Doc" Dougherty '78 prevent anyone from tional Furniture and just walking around IBEW Local 98 leader Appliances Union Lothem. Undaunted, the cal 33. The union is knows or wants to know. Their union has appealed to many headed by T. Abel Top, who chairs are left strewn about the elected officials for support. famously took part in the 2012 cafeteria floor. The union has McDonald?s Ice Cream Maker Prep grad and Philadelphia called the work degrading, and Strike, which continues to this Mayor Jim Kenney ?76 had a promises that they will not reday in some places. Top ancurt response when asked turn until conditions change. nounced in a press conference about supporting the strike: The school, however, has not last week that the strike would ?The tables unionized??

After the cafeteria tables went on strike, unionized single desks (pictured left, right, and center) were brought in; a foolproof way to break up the strike and guarantee that the freshmen won't be able to properly socialize.

Even labor leaders were taken by surprise. Influential labor leader and manager of the IBEW Local 98 Union John ?Johnny Doc? Dougherty ?78 told reporters, ?Usually I?m a proud labor supporter, but now I?m just

confused.? Still, Top is not concerned. ?We will overcome. Eventually. And when we do, we?ll all be able to sit at that big lunch table of solidarity.?

10 | Nile Andah Fan Page | Thursday, April 1, 2021 | The Hawkeye

Entertainment

Bir kmire's Beats: MBDTF is Tr ash!!! carried by its features.

In 2010, Kanye West released a promising comeback album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, after being hated by the public for a year. Kanye needed to make something truly great to solidify his comeback and to win the public over. While some have praised the album, others have not been so convinced, and this has been a hot topic for years.

Then comes ?Devil in a New Dress,? which is ruined by the uninspiring Rick Ross feature at the end. Somehow, Kanye kept Ross? verse in, which is very lackluster compared to the production. Next is the fan favorite ?Runaway,? which is too long and obnoxious, and the distorted vocals on the outro are guaranteed to give any listener a massive headache.

With the album recently turning ten years old, a relisten was desperately needed, and here?s where it currently stands, track by track. The album opens with ?Dark Fantasy,? with vocals from Bon Iver and Teyana Taylor, who carry Kanye on the song, as he rambles some of the corniest lines in Hip Hop history, such as the eye rolling, ?Too many Urkels on your team that?s why your wins low.? Next up is ?Gorgeous,? which has a guitar sample and a Kid Cudi chorus that are so poorly mixed, it takes away from the insincere lines about the flawed American prison system that Kanye

(Photo: JT Realmuto is the Best Catcher in Baseball)

By Colin Bir kmire ?23

His hair... wack! His gear... wack! His jewelry...wack! His foot stance... wack! The way that he doesn't even like to smile... wack!

is rapping, and to make matters worse, it has a feature from one of the not- cool Wu Tang Clan members. ? Next is ?Power? which has a butchered sample of King Crimson?s ?21st Century Schiziod Man,? which really

ruins the song. Then there?s ?All of the Lights Interlude,? which is just really boring, and then ?All of the Lights,? which has an obnoxious Rihanna chorus and atrocious Kanye lyrics. ?Monster? and ?So Appalled? are next, which are

Speaking of distortion, the heavy synths on the following track, ?Hell of a Life,? ruined the song entirely. After that comes ?Blame Game,? with John Legend, who's irritating voice is accompanied by Kanye?s aggravating rapping, and ruins the song as a result. The second to last track, ?Lost in the World,? has an unlistenable Bon Iver vocal intro that makes it hard to enjoy the rest of the song. The song transitions into the final track, ?Who Will Survive in America,? which contains a dull Gil Scott- Heron monologue, and serves as a corny attempt to make some sort of social com-

Colin's Count:

0/10 (if that) mentary or whatever. It?s honestly hard to see why anyone would praise this album, as it has aged horribly and really has no relevance anymore. Even when there are good ideas presented on this album, it is instantly ruined by Kanye?s lyrics which are obnoxious, out of touch, and cliché, and end up spoiling the songs the most, even if there is average production or a decent feature. Overall, it is unclear why this album has been placed on such a pedestal in the past decade, and if it hasn?t aged well after one decade, it will for sure age even worse after two.

Hor r ified Students Discover " I ntro to L ogic" Just Semester Cour se about Rapper L ogic Entire class promptly drops out (Photo: Let'snot forget about the cinematic masterpiece that Mr. Vaccaro made for his students before the AP Government test last May. Search "AP Government at the Prep 2020" if you are in need of a smile. That video was Oscar-worthy. Do they give out Oscars for short videos?)

By Brendan Dougher ty ?23 Members of the senior class were excited to learn that the History Department would be offering a new elective called ?Introduction to Logic? (HIS420) starting at the beginning of the second semester. Many students were excited to get better at critical thinking, understanding the flow of arguments, and being able to think and communicate clearly. When the students that had enrolled went to Mr. Vaccaro?s classroom on the first day, they found, much to their horror, Mr. Vaccaro playing one of Logic?s hit songs ?Everybody,? the title track to his 2017 album Everybody. At first, the students thought it was quite clever, even punny, of Mr. Vaccaro to tie the rapper into a class about logic, until Mr. Vaccaro pulled up his opening presentation, with the first lesson being titled ?The Illustrious Career of Sir Robert Bryson Hall II, formally known as Logic?. Pure disgust remained on the faces of all students through the entirety of the presentation. ?I mean, even that word in the presentation title, ?Illustrious,? is incredibly contradictory,? said Benicio Beatty ?21.

Mr. Vaccaro '05 instructs his bewildered class. "I'm not sure whether I like Under Pressure or The Incredible True Story more, to be honest," said Vaccaro. "They're both classics in my opinion."

The entire class sat through an entire presentation about ?Off- Brand Eminem'' and patiently listened to these absolute lies about Logic?s brilliance and lyricism. The class had truly had enough when Mr. Vaccaro said, ??Confessions of a Dangerous Mind?and ?YSIV? were great albums and Logic

never fell off.?

Anthony Fantano.

Senior Aidan Moreau ?21 was also clearly upset with Mr. Vaccaro?s class idea, saying, ?Mr. Vaccaro clearly is a fan of the internet?s busiest music nerd to have such horrible opinions on music,? clearly referring to popular YouTuber

This was more than the seniors could bear. The whole class stormed out of the classroom in sheer disgust, flabbergasted that not only were they not going to become better critical thinkers, but that they had to share a room with an

avid Logic fan. As you can imagine, the whole class did not show up the next day and Mr. Vaccaro was promptly sent away on leave for espousing such nonsense. To the surprise of most of the class, there was a particular student who truly enjoyed Logic. Per source, Drew Konieczny ?21 was actually very ecstatic when he found out that he would be getting a deep dive into the career of the mediocre rapper. When the entire class revolted in abhorrence, Konieczny was rather upset, later saying, ?I was really bothered that my entire class didn?t appreciate Logic. It?s almost like a betrayal, finding out that some of your closest friends have zero respect for great music.? In response to these very alarming words from Konieczny, Beatty said, ?That?s incredibly preposterous. I can?t believe that we even have people like this in our school. The Prep should consider putting a question on the entrance exam asking if the 8th graders are Logic fans or not, just to protect our school from fans of horrific music."

The Hawkeye | Thursday, April 1, 2021 |

Appreciate Him! | 11

Thisisa Teddy Lawlor Appreciation Space

12 | Enter Tame Men | Thursday, April 1 2021 | The Hawkeye

Book Review: Spar knotes?Of Mice and Men

Playlists at the Prep inanimat e obj ect s

Often lost in the sauce is the fact that teachers are real people, too? people who listen to music. In this recurring segment, The Hawkeye features songs from a an actual trash can and a dead rat. Enjoy!

(Photo: Elektra Records)

Compiled By Benicio Beatty '21

For a limited time, The Prep English Department is offering Sparknotes Premium Subscriptions for students who, "don't feel like doing all that reading." Terms and conditions apply. See Mr. Thomas Lederer '13 for more details.

By K evin K ear ney '06 One of the few upsides of the past year has been the amount of free time it?s provided. Rather than rushing to and from social events, I?ve had the opportunity to slow down and appreciate the smaller joys in my life. None has been so rewarding as rediscovering my love of reading -- not for school, but simply because it?s an enjoyable, enriching experience. Far and away, the best piece of literature I?ve read in the last year was Sparknotes? Of Mice and Men. Frankly, I didn?t know what to expect going in. I read Sparknotes? Cannery Row during my freshman year and found it to be a bit slow -- the character descriptions were pedestrian and the plot summaries didn?t offer much in the way of action. But Sparknotes?Of Mice and Men exists in an entirely different realm. For one, the writing is impeccable. Main characters George and Lennie are described in such beautiful prose that it?s hard not to be hooked from the first sentence of the ?Plot Overview.? Each section features so much interesting action that I couldn?t

Mr. Raf f a Photo Diary

help but keep scrolling down the page -- I was eager to learn what would happen to these two men who ?share a vision of a farm that they will own together.? I don?t want to list any spoilers here because the way Sparknotes summarizes the ending of the novel is truly a work of art that one should experience for himself. I will say, however, that what really adds to the conclusion is Sparknotes? addendum, ?What Does the Ending Mean?? It was a relief to have precise, concrete answers so I wasn?t left thinking about all of the story?s implications. This whole experience has convinced me that maybe I?m more of a bookworm than I initially thought: I can?t wait to dig into other classics, like Shmoop?s The Great Gatsby and LitCharts? Things Fall Apart. In a competitive, high-stakes atmosphere like the Prep, it?s easy to lose sight of what really matters. So, if you?re feeling burned out by this school year, I?d highly recommend taking some time to curl up with a good book summary - you might be surprised to find how much losing yourself in the story will be enjoyable in its own right.

3r d Floor J-Hall Tr ash Can

(cour tesy of the bio lab) 1.

Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major

Bach 2. Ah Per fido!

Minor Swing

2. GOOBA 6ix9ine 3.

Django Reinhardt 4. Hear t of the City

Blue Rondo a la Tur k

4. Of Mice and Men (Audiobook) John Steinbeck 5.

Dave Br ubeck Quar tet 6. Tir ed of Waiting

A Love Supr eme John Coltr ane

8. The Planets Suite Gustav Holst 9. Get Got Death Gr ips

Jim Croce

I Get A Kick Out Of You The Rat Pack

6. I Remember

The Kinks 7.

5,000 Candles in the Wind mouse r at

Jay- Z 5.

Snitches & Rats 21 Savage and Metro Boomin

Mar ia Callas

10. Oper ator

"Hey Buddy! Want some candy?"

Dissection-Ready Rodent

Deadmau5 7.

Thr ee Blind Mice Thomas Ravenscroft

8. Tom and Jerry Soundtr ack MGM 9. Ratatouille Or iginal Musical Pixar 10. Chr istmas Don't Be Late Alvin & The Chipmunks

Today's Sustenance!

New Toy!

The Hawkeye | Thursday, April 1, 2021 |

Fr equent ly Used

Buzzfeed pls don't sue us! | 13

Hawkfeed's Top 10 Zoom Excuses Compiled By Benicio Beatty '21

1) ?M y W i -Fi i s d ow n ? Descr i p t i on : Per h aps th e m ost ver satil e of expl an ation s, th is excu se can be u sed wh en you don ?t wan t to an swer th e occasion al qu estion , sk ip th e bor in g in -cl ass assign m en t, or even sk ip cl ass en tir el y! H ow l on g wil l it be down exactl y? Ju st for th e n ext 70-odd m in u tes u n til it?l l m agical l y star t wor k in g again for su r fin g You Tu be. Ef f ect i v en ess: 95% - Th is is pr actical l y fool pr oof! H ow can you r poor teach er possibl y con fir m th is?

2) ?M y Ch r om ebook i s br ok en ? Descr i p t i on : Th is u sed to be ol d faith fu l in th e ear l y days of Zoom cl ass, bu t th e expectation n ow is th at stu den ts sh ou l d be abl e to get th eir devices wor k in g with ou t too m u ch tr ou bl e. Ef f ect i v en ess: 40%

4) ?M y cam er a (or m i c!) i s br ok en ? Descr i p t i on : Th is option is a l ittl e bit m or e feasibl e th an th e pr eviou s on e. Pr o tip: if you ?r e ever pu t on th e spot for a qu estion th at you don ?t k n ow th e an swer to, m ou th th e wor ds an d m ak e jer k y gestu r es as if you r in ter n et is u n stabl e. Ef f ect i v en ess: 80%

3) ?I w as i n t h e w ai t i n g r oom , bu t y ou d i d n ?t l et m e i n ? Descr i p t i on : Now th is is a bol d m ove. It pu ts th e on u s on th e teach er ,wh ich m ay n ot be th e sm ar test m ove depen din g on th e situ ation ? an d th e teach er. Ef f ect i v en ess: 60%

5) ?M y p ow er w as ou t ? Descr i p t i on : Th is excu se tr u l y depen ds on weath er con dition s. If you got som e sn ow in th e l ast few days, m aybe a h eavy h u r r ican e, you ?r e set. If it?s been dr y an d su n n y al l week l on g, sor r y,you don ?t h ave a pr ayer. Ef f ect i v en ess: 65%

6) ?Bl ack bau d i s d ow n ? Descr i p t i on : Th er e?s sor t of a sick excitem en t wh en ever th is h appen s for r eal . Th e th ou gh t th at th er e cou l d be n o cl asses for th e wh ol e day br iefl y cr osses th e m in d. If you ?r e m ak in g th is u p as an excu se, h owever ,be su r e to h ave a few bu ddies back you u p by sayin g th at th ey?ve en cou n ter ed th e sam e tech n ical difficu l ties. Ef f ect i v en ess: 50% - becau se it m igh t on l y tak e a few m in u tes for you r teach er to r eal ize th at it?s n ot down for an yon e el se.

7) ?I h ad a d oct or 's ap p oi n t m en t ? Descr i p t i on : It?s r isk y,th er e?s n o dou bt abou t th at, bu t th e payoff is im m en se. Secu r in g a for ged n ote fr om a par en t or even th e doc h im sel f is a pr o m ove for su r e. W ith it, you feel l ik e Th an os, abl e to ben d th e r eal ity of vir tu al sch ool to you r wil l . Ef f ect i v en ess: 85%

8) ?I h av e X f i n i t y ? Descr i p t i on : Th is is cl ear l y ju st a ch eap sh ot at a cr appy com pan y. W e sin cer el y h ope you got a l au gh ou t of it. Ef f ect i v en ess: 30%

9) ?PECO cu t m y el ect r i cal l i n e? Descr i p t i on : ?... Al l m y h om ies h ate PECO? Ef f ect i v en ess: 75%

10) ?I h ad t o t ak e m y gol d f i sh f or a w al k ? Descr i p t i on : Nobody actu al l y said th is. Th e editor s wer e ju st m essin g ar ou n d at th is poin t. Ef f ect i v en ess: 0%

14 | Truth or Dare? | Thursday, April 1, 2021 | The Hawkeye Cr uciver balist: Rober t Woltj en '22 Note: Spaces not included (it's a wor d search for pete's sake)

The Hawkword^S

ea r c

1. ALSGH 2. JFDSH 3. DJBCV 4. SDLAJFH 5. QWIRUFH 6. WYIOWQHF 7. SKI 8. HDSKG 9. FJHGODSA 10. AUOSJOWE 11. ISDJAFH 12. DSKAF 13. OWFHO 14. WKEHBF

The L AST per son to cor rectly complete the thewor crosswor d search d will willbe begiven givenaalifetime lifetime supply of off-br and Oreo cookies cour tesy of M r. Raffa.

DI SCL AI M ER: None of the these are real wor ds. Who do you think I am? M ar y Poppins?

Follow @SJPHawkeye on Twitter for Exclusive Photos of DaBaby! The Hawkeye Staff of 2020-2021 Checker s on Broad at Gir ar d (r ip in peace)

The Usual Suspects

Social M edia I nfluencer

Jimmy King '21

Ethan Spillane '22

Matthew Bae '21

Nile Andah '21

Joe Massaua '21

Corbin Taylor '22

Alfonso Procaccino '21

Colin Birkmire '23

Don't Give Goldfish To

Liam Stephens '21

Luke Gallagher '23

I f you are interested in contr ibuting mater ials to The Hawkeye, contact M ike in the Appliance Section or our email (below) to submit an ar ticle, wire money, or to donate Cheesecake Factor y gift car ds with values equal to or greater than $116. L etter s should not exceed the length of your aunt's Facebook r ant about " those dar n Demo-r ats."

Connor Siemien '21

Joseph Tagliferro '21

Ian Gomez '23

daniel.devito@sj prep.or g

Aiden Anderson '22

Kieran Hicks '23

1208 Nor th Broad Street Philadelphia, PA 19121

Benicio Beatty '21 Garrett McCloskey '21

Accomplices Murphy Bonner '22

Adr ian Woj narowski

Seamus Blaney '22

Liam Holden '23

Robert Woltjen '22

Stephen Cain '22

Matthew Corr '22

Jake Wisniewski '23

Caleb Datto '22 Prefer s Sheetz

Henchmen

Danny Deeney '22

Daniel Sponseller '21

Kieran Dougherty '21

Brennan Fitzgerald '22

Will Guckin '21

Andrew Flanagan '22

K eeper of the K eys

Thomas Hillman '21

Joseph Kriz '22

Alex Currie '21

Matt Hopkins '21

Daniel Law '22

Andrew Kallmeyer '21

Andrew Sergovic '22

I n case you could not tell, this edition of The Hawkeye is satire.

All mater ials pr inted by The Hawkeye are intended to both enter tain and infor m the Prep Isaiah Littlejohn '24 community as well as cultivate an environment Antoine Robinson '24 that gener ates meaningful and productive discussion. The opinions and beliefs expressed Mason Sullivan '24 in the adver tisements and ar ticles in this K ingpins publication do not necessar ily reflect the values Mr. Leo Vaccaro '05 or mission of The Hawkeye Student Newspaper, Mr. Kevin Kearney '06 St. Joe's Prep, or your mom. Matteo DeJesse '24

The Hawkeye | Thursday, April 1, 2021 |

I Dare You to Read the Staff Box | 15

I n Memoriam: Your Social L ife

NOTICE:

After a year-long battle with backward sleep schedules, LED TikTok lights, and 22 hours of screen time, your social life has finally died.

Anyone seen wearing a mask below the nose will be promptly sent back to Kindergarten. You al so l ook l ike Shrek when he's saving Fiona.

Don't be"that guy"

Hawkeye Editor Gr id By Us

?Let?s be honest though, your social life has really been dead since last March, you just don?t wanna admit it,? said Andrew Kallmeyer ?21 at the funeral service of his own ambition and creativity. ?It was ultimately F.O.M.O. [fear of missing out] that killed your social life,? says local physician Dr. Joseph M. Ama. ?If only your social life knew that nobody was actually ever hanging out without you during the pandemic.? Your social life is survived by its relatives: mental health and sanity (which aren?t doing too well if we?re being honest), and the hope that summer?s gonna be, according to Ben Bischoff ?23, ?a literal movie.?

Ben icio " Godzilla" Beat t y '21

Bobby Wolt jen '22

Gar r et t M cCloskey '21 M u r ph y Bon n er '22

M att Bae

Benicio Beatty

Kill more sea turtles

I can't wait to not attend Phillies games!

Sneeze in public without retaliation

Be the guy who says, "Hey remember that whole COVID thing?" and then nobody laughs

Remain 6 feet from others and wear a mask in all public spaces

What scares you?

Jesus

Former Editor-In-Chief Reza Ali '20's attempt at facial hair.

I date Taylor Swift. I break up with Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift writes a song about me.

People who don't need to sing the alphabet to find a letter.

Newspapers. This is a tough job.

Where is the best place to take a nap at the Prep?

4th Floor J-Hall Bathroom Stall. Accommodations are better than most hotels.

I like to curl up behind the arcade games in the Hawk's Nest to catch a few Z's.

Mr. Kearney's class.

Sleep is for the weak, but I often nap on Vera's 5:20 Bus.

The pool. It's like a water bed without the bed.

Yes

I have no idea, but I always wear a tin foil hat so that never happens to me anyway.

Ask Bro.

Mind readers? Who's a mind reader? Not me, that's for sure.

When things are back to nor mal, I can not wait to _______.

I f two mind reader s are reading each other 's minds, whose mind are they reading?

Gar rett M cCloskey M ur phy Bonner

M at t Bae '21

Bobby Woltj en

16 | Opinion/DaBaby | Thursday, April 1, 2021 | The Hawkeye

Opinion/Debate I 'm Not Wild About this Whole Pandemic Thing ¯ \_(? )_/¯ A little over a year ago we were let out of school for a few weeks because of growing COVID cases. Weeks turned into months, and now we are still, over a year later, in this pandemic. At first it was pretty cool. We had no school for a few weeks, and could do whatever we wanted. It got a little dull when school started and restrictions came, but once summer arrived I was able to party all I wanted with tons of people. There were some downsides, like all my friends catching coronavirus, but they were mostly fine and just passed it to their family. Other than that it was great! But then when school started again, I began to realize something? this whole pandemic thing is kind of a bummer. While it might be a controversial take, I?m willing to say that the coronavirus isn?t that cool, and in my opinion, we

should just stop it. While last summer I was able to host large parties at my beach house, I fear that this summer, I might have to spend my time lonely at the beach with my family.

(Photo: Doctah Fauci's Brooklyn Accent)

By K ier an Hicks '23

To make matters worse, we have to wear masks when we go inside buildings with lots of people. That?s not fun, and I don?t like it. I even heard from somebody that having the virus sorta sucks. After thinking for a few seconds, I realized I cannot find a single good thing about the pandemic. So why do we still have it? I asked my peers why about this burning question that was in the back of my head. Ryan Raiser ?23 said, ?We can?t just make a virus disappear because you don?t like it. There?s tens of thousands of new cases per day and? ?(I stopped listening after this part because it was clear that he was just wasting my time). He attempted to give me a graph showing COVID cases over time, but I don?t need data or

Hank Lettuce (second from left), who has not changed his social behaviors at all since the start of the pandemic, laments the virus restrictions. But health experts advise caution. Dr. Doctor, M.D., said, "Right now, there is so much virus transmission that 123movies.com and LimeWire should take note."

graphs to know that I?m right, and everybody else is wrong. I got a similar response from other people that I asked, but I am sure that there are others who are wondering why coronavirus is still here if people don?t like it. I can almost guar-

antee that some people, such as myself, find it bad and not fun whatsoever. In fact, it?s possible that more people agree with me than disagree. So what should we do about it? One way to go about it

would be to stop it. Another way would be to simply not have it continue. Whichever way we go about it, the bottom line is that i?m not really wild about this whole pandemic thing.

Please Buy GameStop Stock, I 'm Down Bad By Connor Siemien ?21

March 1, I wanted to end the day with a stock to invest in addition to Gamestop, which I bought into before this call.

My fellow Prep gentlemen, faculty, staff, members of the Prep community, I need your help.

After going through a litany of companies such as Ford (do not buy Ford stock), Visa, Walmart, and so on, which Sirrianni ?21 said would yield five to ten percent a year (laughable figures, ha!), there was one stock that caught my ear: Rocket Companies.

My trading account on Robinhood, the popular stock market app that was the first company to launch with zero commission fees, is down about $140,000 from my original investment? and has a negative balance of $127,000.

This all started in late January, with the GameStop stock soaring and the world paying attention to the stock market. At the time I figured it was a one- off, and did not put any money into the market. But, about a month later, the GameStop stock jumped a hundred percent in one day, and I finally felt the calling: I had to participate in this. So, I set up a Zoom call with the most business- minded guy I know? Dean Sirrianni ?21, the founder, president, CEO, CFO, media relations manager,

(Photo: Down Bad Patrol)

I messed up.

As you can see, I, Connor Joseph Siemien, am down horrendously bad. I urge you to contact me here: connorontheupandup[at]gmail.com. I am open to mailed checks, Venmo transfers, gold bars--anything. Please, I need a second chance.

and national spokesman of his own sticky note company, ?Dean Denotes.? (Promising the most durable, resistant, reliable sticky notes in the world, Dean Denotes?

has excellent customer reviews and offers a stack of one hundred sticky notes at just $8.99. Please buy a stack or two or several at DeanDenotes.com.) On this fateful Zoom call on

Seeing Sirrianni?s research (?Ya know, we looked at the data,? he said), the cool letter ?O? in its logo, the name itself (rockets launch objects to the moon? where my stocks should go!), and the intense social media chatter on the Reddit page called ?WallStreetBets,? I had no doubt that this was the one. On March 2, I waited all day to see some signs of life? a wild percentage gain of some sort. Right after I logged out of my Zoom call at 2:40 p.m., I saw the stock had jumped 9% in a short time; I jumped in at $38 a share.

I bought, in layman's terms, a bet that the stock would go up, and I had until that Friday, March 5, for this to come true? I was that confident, remembering the data I combed over. I woke up the next morning to my account in shambles. Given the immense leveraging of my initial $5,000 investment in Rocket Companies and Gamestop, I was down unfathomable amounts of money. My contracts on the ?bet? for the stock to go higher expired, with my account down over a hundred thousand dollars. Now that you know my story? and my pain? it is time for you to know my Venmo account, my house address, my phone number. Please contact me here: Connorontheupandup[at]gmail.com. Any and all inquiries will be fielded. I am not desperate, I am hungry for redemption. AMDG

The Hawkeye | Thursday, April 1, 2021 |

Debate/Opinion | 17½

Opinion: I 'M BATM AN * To be read in a deep voice* By Batman I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman.

Look! It is me, Batman, looking over my city where I, Batman, save people.

I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman.

man. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. I'm Batman. Am I Batman?

Holden: Reopen L iter ally Ever ything By L iam Holden ?23 At St. Joseph?s Preparatory School, we are just now entering into the fourth quarter. For months, we have successfully endangered and exploited our teachers for the sake of a halfbaked hybrid learning model. We have also consistently evaded Philadelphia?s health guidelines by holding sports and other events outside of city limits. It is fair to say this has been an unusual year, but we have made the best of it. Nonetheless, we can do better. We are strong proponents of inperson education here at the Prep, as well as sports meets that do not require us to dodge city law like a billionaire depositing his wealth in the Cayman Islands. With that in mind, it was imperative that we exerted entirely undue pressure on Philadelphia Health Commissioner Dr. Thomas Farley. While Dr. Farley is a highly qualified expert with multiple degrees, we nonetheless had to do our best to get in the way of his already difficult work.

Prep students should return to more situations like the one above, Liam Holden '23 argues. With the pandemic having raged on for a full year, let's take a shot at a different approach.

We are lucky to have no reported cases of in- school COVID- 19 transmission. This is no coincidence. It is a consequence of the city?s gracious policy of not requiring tests for exposed students, despite the fact that the CDC believes that up to 50% of pediatric COVID- 19 cases may be asymptomatic. Unfortunately, the city?s science- backed pol-

icy of requiring six feet of social distancing forced us to cut our inperson student attendance in half each day. As this science-first approach is inconvenient to us, we pressured the Philadelphia Health Department to lessen their social distancing requirements. With less social distancing, we will be able to bring every student back to school and thus

endanger up to twice as many children, and families, a day. Students will finally have the opportunity to socialize again and spread COVID-19 to each other. Our success with social distancing measures in place is indicative of our success without them, in the same way that drivers who do not wear seatbelts are just as safe as those who do.

WANT YOUR RI VAL 'S CL UB TO DI E I N A SL OW, PAI NFUL WAY? CONTACT: j oel.embiid@sj prephawks.or g

As previously mentioned, we have had a year full of wacky schemes to avoid city health guidelines. But this is St. Joe?s Prep, we can go bigger than that. Which is why I?m delighted that our new 3 feet of social distancing plan will be in violation of federal guidelines! While our recent communications to the school community imply it is not, and that the CDC supports three feet of social distancing, that?s not quite true. Actually, it?s an outright lie. The CDC supports three feet (instead of six feet) of social distancing except for middle and high schools in high transmission areas where cohorting is not done. In other words, the Prep! This is a great idea, despite the lack of experts supporting it. Frankly, we would like to export this incredibly dangerous model to other local schools because endangering 900 students just is not enough for us. We truly look forward to making this happen, with the whole community coming together to do what is best.

THAT CL UB'S DEM I SE HERE!

18 | Sporfs | Thursday, April 1, 2021 | The Hawkeye

Sports Haban Fuels Rampant Student Gambling On a bustling day at the Prep, Ms. Haban usually sits attentively at her desk in the Dean?s Office, like a soldier ready at her battle station. She typically waits for students to either scurry towards her to say, with a shortness of breath, that the reason for their tardiness was the city traffic, or that they got a JUG for disagreeing on the importance of the phonetic alphabet in Mr. Camma?s class. However, due to the COVID19 pandemic, the new schedule has severely reduced the amount of JUGs and tardiness that once plagued Haban?s job, which left her struggling for something to do to cure her feeling of sudden loneliness. Enter being a bookie for sports gambling. It?s no secret that sports gambling has always been popular. However, what?s expedited its rise among younger and younger generations has been the advent of the internet. Apps like FanDuel, DraftKings, FOXBet, BetMGM, and more have made it easier for everyone, especially teenagers, to gamble on sporting events through making various prop and parlay bets. Eventually, this gambling craze infected the Prep, as nearly the entire student body has, at one point or another, been prompted to ask their friends ridiculous questions, such as if they think that if taking the over on West East Appalachian State versus

Southwest Western Columbus State Community College in basketball is a smarter bet than taking the under on how many steps Chiefs wide receiver Tyreek Hill takes in a football game (I?d say the under since I stole his FitBit). Ms. Haban, one day, while walking to her car, overheard a bunch of commotion occurring in the guardhouse senior lot and wanted to get to the bottom of it. She noticed that one of the TVs from the cafeteria had been ripped out and was now used to show all of the betting lines and point spreads for each of the live games up for betting. She also noticed that all Prep logos were nowhere to be found on the screen. Instead, a logo of the ?Prep House Casino (PHC)? luminously shone in the top right corner of the 1080p screen instead. When she expected trouble brewing, she instead stumbled upon a pleasant surprise that piqued her curiosity: Prep students cheering like primitive animals for Phillies pitcher JoJo Romero to throw exactly 10 pitches in a spring training game so that they don?t lose their college funds. At first, Haban was appalled by this insanity and senseless risk taking, but eventually she found the adrenaline rush caused by the art of sports betting to be addicting like a drug. Soon, she started placing parlay bets of her own on everything from football to women?s gymnastics.

due to all of the losses he was taking. (Photo: Did You Read the Student Handbook?)

By Stephen Cain ?22

From Administrative Assistant to pro bettor and now a top bookie, Ms. Helen Haban (left) has made millions for herself off of parlay bets and has helped others achieve similar success as well. Now a Croatian basketball superfan, Haban began to tap into the lucrative sports betting market of Hrvatski Telekom Premijer Liga, Croatia?s first tier level of men's professional basketball, in March 2019.

?I didn?t know what I was doing first, but eventually I got the hang of it,? Haban told The Hawkeye. It got to the point where Haban became levels better than even the most talented sports bettors in the world. For example, James Holzhauer, one of the top professional sports bettors and considered the GOAT of Jeopardy, said that Haban looked like his mom, if she was really good at betting on college basketball and women?s tennis. After Haban garnered loads of fame, money, and attention from her betting prowess, she then decided to become a bookie as a way to help others do the impossible: win their parlay bets. ?I just kept winning and

winning, and it became too boring for me. Sports Illustrated wanted to put me on the cover of their next issue to be named 'Most Influential Sportsperson of the Century', but I declined the offer to become a bookie instead because I wanted the Prep community to ?catch some Ws,?as the kids say,? Haban said. Ever since this pivot from betting champ to bookie, Haban has organized a humanitarian effort to help the financially struggling due to their poor betting skills. Take sports betting addict Dominic Richetti ?21 for example. Dom has constantly put aside his schoolwork in favor of researching the best parlay bets to place money on, but was constantly losing his bets. He was frustrated, sad, and poor

?I didn?t know what I was going to do. I lost my family?s house when Joel Embiid didn?t score the first basket against the Mavericks, so I?ve been forced to live inside my locker,? Richetti said through tears. Ms. Haban saw Richetti and the potential he had to be a winning bettor and decided to take him under his wing. ?I saw that he had a ?Go Big or Go Home? mentality, and the only problem was that he was going big and had nowhere to go home too, since he lost his house. So I decided to fix that with my magical bookie powers,? Haban said. All of a sudden, Richetti was raking in millions, all thanks to Haban. Richetti, now with his pockets flowing with cash, decided to buy a frisbee made out of gold for the Ultimate Frisbee team. ?It hurts to catch it, but it?s just too shiny to sell,? said Richetti. When parents hear the words ?teenage boys? and ?sports gambling? lumped together, they become uneasy and ramble on about the flaws of Gen Z. However, thanks to Ms. Haban, those parents need to worry no longer about their sons? gambling habits: their sons are safe in Haban?s hands now.

Prep Scoreboard WRI TI NG LA B

CHURCH CHOI R

ROBOTI CS

2/ 21 at Oxford Com m as, W 3-0

3/ 18 at "Table of Plenty", W 892-8

3/ 21 vs. WALL-E, L 2-5

3/ 16 vs. Sem i colons, W 7-5

3/ 27 at "You Are Mi ne", W 15-7

3/ 23 vs. R2-D2, L 1-6

3/ 24 vs. Form atti ng, L 0-4

4/ 13 vs. Pep Band

4/ 6 at Chuck y

COOK I NG CLUB

CREW

M OUNTA I N BI K I NG

3/ 13 vs. Peanut Allergy, L 0-1

3/ 14 vs. Stage Crew , L 63-84

2/ 24 at Ram p, W 92-59

3/ 25 at Oven, W 42-6

3/ 18 at J.Crew , L 16-59

3/ 7 vs. Glass Shards, L 3-42

3/ 28 vs. Grandm a's Hom em ade Spaghetti Taco Reci pe, L 20-453

3/ 22 vs. Cruella de Vi l, W 45-44

4/ 21 at Mt. Everest

The Hawkeye | Thursday, April 1, 2021 |

Harden is Trash! | 19

Nar row Hufflepuff Victor y at Prep Quidditch Cup By Daniel L aw ?23 2020 was a rough year for Prep Quidditch. Due to the pandemic, the Prep?s InterHouse Quidditch Cup was canceled for the first time since the reappearance of "He Who Must Not Be Named"? not to mention all of the fiery controversy that arose from the announcement of the St. Joseph?s Preparatory School for Wizards? first ever muggle headmaster. However, 2021 has been a return to form for Prep Quidditch, with an immensely successful, though divisive, Quidditch Cup. On February 30, Hufflepuff scored a narrow victory against the Slytherin team to win the Quidditch Cup. Hufflepuff Seeker Patrick Logan ?23 was caught up in a fierce battle with the Slytherin team in a bout for the Golden Snitch, while the rest of the Slytherins pounded the Hufflepuff defense with goal after goal. With the Slytherin team at a 150 point lead, they rested at a more than steady advantage over Hufflepuff, even if Hufflepuff got the Snitch. However, in one of the greatest plays in Prep Quidditch history, Hufflepuff Chaser Jack Del Pizzo ?23 scored a goal

within seconds of Logan landing the Golden Snitch, granting the Hufflepuffs 160 points and a narrow victory. With the 2021 Quidditch season wrapping up, this marks the third consecutive victory for Hufflepuff in the Quidditch Cup. Historically, Hufflepuff students have been overshadowed by the competitive Ravenclaws, sly Slytherins, and the incredibly overrated Gryffindors on the Quidditch field, especially Gryffindor (everyone hates Gryffindor). Though in recent years, Hufflepuff has built a sort of dynasty around the Prep Quidditch Cup. And Hufflepuff ?s incredible success has left many students and faculty divided on the already controversial match. ?It was a fantastic game,? said Hufflepuff Jack Del Pizzo ?23. ?I think we need to teach Slytherin a lesson. And who better to teach it than us!? Hufflepuff's opinion remains in agreement; their dynasty was earned after decades of barely any presence in the Prep?s Quidditch league. Gryffindor and Ravenclaw, while somewhat bitter about their losses, are still satisfied after a hard- fought season. Ravenclaw fan Victor Torres

Ed Sheeran eyes the Prep's Hufflepuff squad before the Interhouse Quidditch Cup.

?23 had this to say: ?Good for them. Hufflepuff always wins. I think they?re close to winning the House Cup at this point [...]. And I think it?s a good thing. Hufflepuff is a pretty underrated house, and they usually get overshadowed by Gryffindor. As a member of Ravenclaw, I would have liked for my house to take some more spotlight, but at least it isn?t Gryffindor.? Slytherin is? more than upset at losing. ?They don?t deserve it!? said Slytherin Chaser James Row-

ley ?23. ?Slytherin has a snake for their house and that?s way cooler than a badger. We?re just better.? The Slytherin coach, Mr. Coyle was furious in the aftermath of the Quidditch Cup. ?Our players do nothing but lose. Everyone says to me ?No excuses!?. Well I have seven excuses, three catchers, some beaters, a keeper and a sorry excuse for a seeker. The kid isn?t a 'Boy Who Lived', but I?ll give him the nickname the 'Boy Who Died' if he keeps dragging down my team.?

Regardless of whether or not Hufflepuff ?s victory was deserved, (because it wasn?t. Ooh, that?s right? the author is a Slytherin. Deal with it!) we can all agree to at least be grateful that we can get back to a normal Quidditch season after last year. With some promising new recruits to Prep Quidditch from the Philadelphia Wizarding Area, next year?s season is already looking very promising. Maybe Hufflepuff ?s reign will end soon enough. At least they aren?t the Patriots.

Prep Football Cut, Poor Per for mance Cited By L iam Stephens ?21

ued.? No wonder.

It is official. The Prep football team has been cut. Many of you may not have known that the school even had a football team, in which you are not to blame, as they are nothing to write home about. The team is simply not good.

Based on the statistics, it is unlikely that this will really impact anybody. The average tickets sold per home game this past season dwindled to 0, further proving the disappointment that is this football team. Viewers were clearly not moved to see the team give up touchdowns and turnovers. The only consistent fans that would show up to the games were photographer Mr. Raffa and Mr. Conners '80, who was dragged out to announce the team introduction.

The program has accumulated a measly 6- 0 record this year. Six wins? Come on guys. Clearly, only six wins is not enough. Cornerback Zavier Atkins ?21 said, ?I was disappointed we were only able to get six wins? I was in an unfortunate situation.? However, there was hope that the final effort to win the state championship could save the program. The only reason why this team was able to stay alive this long was due to the fact that they were able to scarcely win four out of the last five state championships. Without them riding on the coattails of previous players and teams,

Random Player 1 (left) consoles Random Player 2 (right) after the Prep only won the state championship by only 49 points against Central York. They also managed to beat their archrival La Salle by only 24 points and narrowly squeaked by Roman Catholic High School with a 42-point victory. Smh.

this team would have been done long ago. The brutal and expected loss in the state championship in 2017 came to Pine-Richland. This loss would be a foreshadowing of the

years to come, and the eventual end of the program. Last week, St. Joe?s Prep came out with the official statement, confirming the ru-

mors of the termination of the program. The official report sent out by the board states, ?The football program has not been able to raise sufficient funds, and cannot be contin-

Looking toward the future, the football team does not seem to be in the picture. The only hope for the team is that the illustrious Ultimate Frisbee team is able to accumulate enough money from their soldout games to bring the football team back. Maybe then they will be worth mentioning. Ultimately, the football program got cut. Life moves on and nothing really changes.

20 | You made it to the end!

| Thursday, April 1, 2021 | The Hawkeye

Unchar ted (and Unsanitar y) Water s Swim team finds new home in the Schuylkill River the new practice location.

After repeated closure of the pool due to frustratingly high urine concentrations (?Guys, I swear it wasn?t me!?), the Prep swim team has made the decision to move training outdoors for the remainder of the season.

?A few of my teeth fell out and I can?t stop shaking? but otherwise I feel superb!? said Daniel Teti ?21.

(Photo: U.S. Olympic Committee)

By Benicio Beatty ?21

The new ?pool?? Philadelphia?s beloved Schuylkill River, of course. It?s true that the Schuylkill has not been known for its cleanliness as far as rivers go; midday rains bring murky sludge to the surface and the occasional abandoned car is found sunken on the banks. None of these concerns are stopping Coach Koenig ?14 though, who insists that the new environment will provide the necessary boost that the team needs to finish the season strong.

Last Saturday's storms brought muddy sludge and dead fish to the surface of the Schuylkill River: "Perfect" swimming conditions, according to Coach Koenig!

I had the chance to spectate their latest practice down at the Schuylkill Banks last week, and it was truly a sight to behold. In place of starting blocks, the Prep swimmers dove from the rocky outcropping just under the Girard Avenue Bridge, narrowly dodging hostile ducks as they entered the water.

?It?s all about motivation,? says Koenig, shouting encouragement over the roar of the Kelly Drive rush hour. ?I just tell the guys to swim around the dead fish and stay away from the small oil spills, and they?ll have a great time.? Following practice, swimmers appeared optimistic about

?The Schuylkill is an awesome change of scene,? added Jack Clark ?22, who had a strange yellow tint in his eyes and visibly green skin. ?This third arm that I grew last night is gonna shave off three whole seconds off my freestyle time!? said Joseph Tagliaferro ?21, enthusiastically waving the new appendage. ?In my time here, I?ve seen a lot of changes,? said Koenig. ?When I swam for Prep back in the day, we spent my freshman season swimming the Delaware Rapids, dodging freighters in subzero temperatures from the Ben Franklin Bridge to the Navy Yard. The

Schuylkill is a cakewalk compared to that!? The Prep Athletics Department was hesitant to give the ?okay? at first, fearing the whole team would contract Cholera. Miraculously, only a few swimmers did, and the rest had only minor cases of dysentery. Senior Sal Rizzieri ?21 sums up the enthusiasm of the entire team. ?Occasionally, you accidentally step on something squishy, or you get rammed by a 15 mph rowing shell, but it?s all part of the sport, right?? UPDATE: The Prep swim team has been relocated to the Schuylkill River indefinitely as the brand new, Howleyendowed, synchronized swimming club has occupied the pool.

I n Next Week's I ssue: Edgely I nstitutes Temper ature Checks to M aintain City Per mit COVI D Sidelines Basketball Team, Bowling Team Wins PCL Hoops Title Entirety of CDC Task Force Revealed as M r. K elly and Some Wor k-Study Sophomores BREAK I NG: Geor ge Shoots L ennie Prep Opens M ount L aurel Satellite Campus M eek M ill Headlines Zoom Spr ing Homecoming Concer t BREAK I NG: The Soap Dispenser s (Again)

Howley Foundation Donation Really $5,000: M isplaced Comma to Blame Debate: How L ong Until Teacher Realizes not Screen Shar ing?

Prep Convent Achieves Air bnb Super host Status " I Can't Wait to Take Off M y M ask," Says not Dar th Vader

Ghee, M cCloskey Tapped as Consultants for Dodgeball 3

Opinion: I f Someone M akes Another Dar n Zoom Joke I am L eaving this Breakout Room

Bob M oss Opens Exclusive Ar t Exhibition in 2nd Floor Bathroom

Jer r y Can Added as 15th Ultimate Fr isbee Coach

Student M isses 15 Threes in Pick-Up Game: ?I Haven?t Even Played in L ike a Year "

Patient Zero Tr aced to Envi. Sci. M cDonald's Exper iment

Bar ron Tr ump Submits Tr ansfer Application " Joe Flacco" Pronunciation Guide ft. Deep Delco

K r ish Chawla '21 Unmasked as Subj ect of Olivia Rodr igo's ?Dr iver ?s L icense"

Desper ate for Photos, Year book Staff Purchases Gener ic Stock I mages

Student Talks in Breakout Room, Classmates Stunned

All Things ?All Things Prep Podcast? Podcast L aunched

REVI EW: Cape and Swor d 16-Hour Production of ?The Bible: The M usical?

Bir kmire?s Beats: The Zoom Auditor y Exper ience Renovations Delayed to 2050

Dissection Frogs, Rats Revolt, Science Depar tment Held Hostage Fur kan K or kmaz Wins M VP Over Embiid Prep Crew Tr ains for Henley by Rowing to Henley Computer L ab to Add Computer s in 2021 Fatigued I n-Per son Student Thinks He?s Online SAGE M aintains Nor malcy by K eeping Pr ices High