The Profile | April 2015

April 1, 2015

thehendrixcollegeprofile.com

Volume 103 | Issue 6

THE HENDRIX COLLEGE

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| THE SATIRE ISSUE |

Trouble in the Fountain __4 The Profile’s Tips for Housing __10 Chipotle in Conway __12 Ms. Martha’s Secret Recipe __15

THE PROFILE

CONTENTS

Volume 103 Issue 6 April 2015

NEWS

Photo Grace Oxley

3 Editor’s Note Disclaimer for the issue

3 Tuition Increase Up, up and away

4 Rare Bacteria Found Tradition goes wrong

6 Bike Thief on Campus Culprit revealed

OPINION

6 Cheers and Jeers The good and the bad in April

7 Political Correctness Right and wrong in today’s world

FEATURE 8 Red Brick

The work behind the film

10 The Profile’s Housing Tips

pg.16: Blue Sail Coffee

How to survive the stress

11 Powder Puff Football Charity game’s debut season

12 Chipotle Downtown Mexican restaurant opens in Conway

13 Presidential Inauguration Welcoming President Tsutsui

SPORTS

14 Athlete Recruitment Performance on field and in class

15 SAA Champions Ms. Martha’s recipe for success

CULTURE

THE PROFILE STAFF EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

BROOKE NELSON 817-341-9167 NelsonBT@Hendrix.edu

MANAGING EDITOR

LAYOUT EDITORS CLAIRE DE PREE JACKIE OAKLEY

PHOTO EDITOR LEE ROGERS

JOSH HAMMONS 501-616-0328 HammonsJE@Hendrix.edu

COPY EDITOR

ASSOCIATE EDITOR

PHOTOGRAPHERS

BLAIR SCHNEIDER

16 Blue Sail

Downtown coffee shop

17 Movie Review “Boyhood 2.0” 18 Calendar THEHENDRIXCOLLEGEPROFILE.COM

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MARY KATHERINE BARKER

GRACE OXLEY MADISON DEALING MEGAN PRETTYMAN

STAFF WRITERS

CASEY HAWKINS CHIRAG LALA DANIEL GREAR HANNAH MCCARTHY SYDNEY MEYER RACHEL LORSBACH

NEWS

EDITOR’S NOTE: Read this, before you read that

by Brooke Nelson

I

remember my first April Fool’s joke fondly: at the mischievous age of six, I—along with my younger brother, then four—painstakingly replaced all of the rolls of toilet paper in our house with ones whose ends were stuck together with double-sided tape. We sniggered with delight as we tiptoed to each bathroom, imagining the disgruntled sighs and irritated yells that we would hear in just a few sweet hours when our parents would wake up and undoubtedly take a trip to the bathroom, only to find their toilet paper unusable. In disbelief, they would spin and spin

and spin the rolls around, waiting for the inevitable flap of embossed sheet that would never fly open.

Yet the expected confusion, the anticipated reveal, never came. Instead, the house made not a peep as the morning hours ticked on. Somehow, to my innocent disappointment, my parents had bypassed the hoax and begun another roll; in annoyance, exasperation, or complete unawareness of my elaborately-laid plan, I would never know. I was crushed. My pranking quest would have to wait for another year.

This month’s theme of The Profile, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, follows

the trend of April Fool’s Day jokes.

We have covered everything that could or should or would be happening in the month of April, but with one twist—not every story is real. Can you tell the fact from the fiction? The truth from the tale?

Give it a shot, and then check your answers on the last page of the issue.

That being said, the satire articles contained herein are just that—satire. Nothing written in such an article is factually true. While some names may be used, none of the actions or quotes described are real.

The fake stories are meant to entertain. In writing these articles, The

UP, UP AND AWAY Tuition increases for students this fall

by Hannah McCarthy

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his year, tuition will once again increase at Hendrix, according to an email sent to students by Executive Vice President and CFO Tom Siebenmorgen.

It is important to point out that the year a student enters Hendrix determines one’s tuition. Students who entered before fall of 2012 pay a lesser amount than students who entered fall of 2012 and thereafter.

This is sort of like a grandfather clause, in that students will not be expected to pay a lot more than they agreed to when they entered Hendrix.

That being said, tuition alone has made the leap into the $40,000 range, or for most of us who entered in the fall of 2012 and later, $40,520. This is roughly a 4 percent increase from last year’s tuition. Room and board has also increased by about 3 percent.

As for the apartments, starting next year, the utility costs will be factored into the total cost, averaging $600 a year for doubles. This fee comes from last year’s average utility costs over the nine months students lived on campus. The change will allow the administration to pay for the utilities all year instead of paying the bill during the summer while students cover the

bill during the school year; it’s essentially a simplified process from previous years.

As for the reasons behind the increase in tuition, the relatively low enrollment, amongst other factors, can be named. The smaller student population has caused an increase in the student activity fee of $10 a year, which will be budgeted by Student Senate to various activities.

Similarly, another $40 was added to the overall cost for the sustainability fund, which was recently proposed by ECC and supported by a large majority of students. This fee was determined by a survey conducted earlier in the year that concluded students, on average, favored a $20 increase per semester to the activity fee for the fund. The fund will allow students to propose projects, similar to Odyssey projects, but with the goal of making campus more sustainable and environmentally friendly.

Looking at the cost of tuition no doubt causes “sticker shock.”

However, it is important to note Hendrix’s exceptional financial aid.

Currently 45 percent of the school’s operating budget goes toward student financial aid. Therefore, although the cost of attendance parallels that of other liberal arts

colleges, it often does not truly reflect the average amount students are expected to contribute.

Overall, there was an increase to the budget, but it follows the previous trend of about a 4 percent increase per year. And while the sustainability fund does require more money, it was voted on by the students and later approved by the Board of Trustees. In addition, the raise in tuition will help offset the smaller student population and allow for better funding of student activities, from which everyone can benefit.

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Profile aims to take a fun or sarcastic spin on issues on or off campus; it does not intend to insult or place blame. We want it to be clear which articles are false, so a list is in the back.

However, if there are concerns with anything contained within this issue, I will be happy to address them. My email and phone number are found on the contents page.

Please feel free to contact me with any comments or questions.

This was a fun issue to write, and I hope it is a fun one to read, as well.

After all, I kind of want my April Fool’s joke to go off without a hitch this year.

Trouble in the Fountain From left to right: International students Aldmar Joubert, Lilja Vignisdóttir, Pauline Mary Alexandra Alzamora, and Pauline Mary prepare to throw Babsi Pro (center) into the fountain. The fountain has been a center of birthday traditions for decades.

T

hough Hendrix students have never technically been allowed to swim in the fountain outside of Staples Auditorium, the administration has been happily looking the other way for years. After all, what’s the harm of a few birthday-inspired splashes?

Think again.

At midnight on Sunday, March 14, an anonymous sophomore was thrown into the fountain in honor of his birthday. Only a couple of hours later, he noticed that a mild rash was spreading throughout his skin.

“In the middle of the night, I randomly started itching like crazy,” the student said. “And it wasn’t localized. There wasn’t a single place on my body that wasn’t dying to be itched. The scratching got so intense that my roommate even woke up from the sound.”

Within only a couple of hours, the irritation had reached such an insufferable level that the student was admitted to the Conway Regional Medical Center.

“I can’t stress enough that he made the right choice to come see us,” a local doctor, who also asked for her identity to be withheld, said. “I had never seen anything like this before. The boy looked as if he’d been covered with pink paint.

Ultimately, we weren’t worried about whether or not he’d make it out alive, but it was still rather alarming. Even with an aggressive dose of medication, it took almost two weeks for the rash to die down.”

Even after running several tests, the

Rare bacteria spreads due to birthday tradition

by Daniel Grear professionals at the Conway Regional Medical Center weren’t able to deduce a definitive cause.

“When we took a sample from the fountain, the results were wholly inconclusive,” the same doctor said. “The only peculiar thing we found in the water was a significant amount of glitter and hard alcohol. On second thought, when I think about the strange calls we get from Hendrix, it wasn’t even that peculiar of a finding.”

In the weeks following the aforementioned incident, the fountain was drained. In addition, the sides have been boarded up and covered with caution tape. Despite these precautions, however, students have been persistent about keeping the tradition alive. On the evening of March 27, a group of 45 freshmen set up a bucket brigade between one of the Hardin Hall bathrooms and the fountain. When Public Safety arrived at the scene, three inches of water had already been transferred back into the fountain’s pool.

“These students are relentless,” an unidentified Public Safety officer said. “I haven’t seen this kind of civil disobedience since the kids were protesting Vietnam back in the day. Though I have to hand it to them for their dedication, we had to nip it in the bud. Safety is our number one concern.”

In order to combat the surge of passionate students, Dean of Student Jim Wiltgen has organized a group of concerned faculty members to discuss other ways that students might be able to satisfyingly celebrate their birthdays on campus.

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“If I’m honest, it’s been pretty tough,” Dean Wiltgen said. “Before the incident occurred, I guess I just didn’t realize how much a part of the cultural backbone this tradition was. More than anything, it was a rite of passage. I’m already seeing abnormal levels of animosity from upperclassmen against freshmen that didn’t have their birthdays before we closed off the fountain.

It’s made the divide between older and younger students extremely rigid.”

That being said, Dean Wiltgen still has hope for the future of student birthdays.

“In the process of brainstorming, we’ve come up with what we think is a pretty stellar replacement plan. This might sound a little insane, but one of my ideas is to have students put short, twiglike candles into the top of an iced cake, one for each year they’ve been alive (with an additional candle to grow on). On top of that, we’ll light each individual candle on fire. After they’re burning bright, everyone but the birthday boy or girl will sing the same jolly tune in unison, maybe even with a harmony or two. Once the song is over, we’ll have the birthday boy or girl blow out the candles, all in one, full swing, and make a fanciful wish. Here’s the kicker, though: they can’t tell anyone what they wished for or it won’t come true. The ritual is sort of a work in progress and it’s a little bit bizarre, but I like the quirkiness of it. The most important question is this: will it catch on?”

NEWS

Letter to the Editor:

On the rights of Squirrels and the infringements of Cats

by Connor Newton, guest writer

T

o whom it may concern,

We, the squirrels of Hendrix College, Conway, Arkansas, are hereby requesting discretionary funding from FinCom for the Sciuridae Protection Act (referred to from here on as the SPA). We, of the Sciuridae family, have long been ignored, our agency has gone unnoticed for those of a fuzzier and more simple-minded family: Felidae.

We have inhabited this college for many moons, never receiving so much as a friendly pet, or any of the fiscal benefits this “college” ostensibly tosses out like last nights Poppy Seed Chicken (which was quite good I must say). Instead, you create “projects” to observe our “animalistic behavior,” placing your “Go-Pros,” and, I must say, offensively bad food at the base of our homes—the very trees that grant you shade and oxygen.

Do we have an Instagram?! Do we have #blessed pasted across our “pictures?” Nay, we are surveyed with those tiny cameras! (I mean, who are those for: ants!?)

We squirrels; we save; we store; we hoarded for the hard times, and yet, our Odyssey Committee runs a deficit feeding those felines. Our conservative values go unnoticed, and some even dare to call us “rodents.”

This college has neglected to go through Mammal Congress! Instead they have approved to feed the cats, to bolster their numbers, and even, yes— vaccinate them!!

You’ve also removed the one prideful things those cats had: breeding.

The SPA would be two-fold. One: instead of food at the bottom of our trees, we request sharp, rather pointy fences to block the cats from perching at the base of our homes, waiting for when we are distracted by an acorn or, potentially, a pecan not yet removed from the Grove or Court. Two: we would like to hire a hawk (we know a nice bird named Fritz) who would sit atop Buhler and keep the cats away, dive bombing them if necessary.

Potentially, we might one day live in peace on this campus, but for now our two families are like the Capulets and the Montagues, unable to find a solution for our two sides. (We squirrels are very well read, particularly fond of Shakespeare, and enjoy employing the use of poetic language).

We do hope you consider the SPA this upcoming spring when you allocate your money. Please try to fix this social injustice your college has hap-

hazardly approved, granting the cats a protective space all to their own.

Fruitfully and Nut-fully, Sciuridea Nation photo Brooke Nelson

A member of the Sciuridea nation perches atop one of their numerous tree-embassies spread throughout Hendrix’s campus. These trees serve as protective refuges for the squirrels amidst a turbulent environment.

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photo Grace Oxley

NEWS

BIKE THIEF

REVEALED Dean exposed as culprit in campus-wide spree

[Cheers]

by Daniel Grear

“Oh my God! Your bike was stolen too?”

These were the sentences that had been echoing around the campus for weeks. In just the month of March, over 100 bicycle thefts were reported to Public Safety.

“This kind of influx is extremely strange,” said a Public Safety officer who asked for his identity to be withheld. “Typically, we’ll have maybe two or three reports per month. If I’m generous, a few more probably go unreported, but still, this was really abnormal.”

Whenever bikes go missing on campus, Public Safety usually scours Craigslist for potential leads.

“We started checking online every single day, but none of the bikes were popping up—not even one.”

After Public Safety made no headway in discovering the forces behind the criminal activities, Dean of Students Jim Wiltgen announced that he would be hosting an on-campus press conference. On March 31, the meeting was held in Mills A. A whopping twenty percent of the student body was in attendance. For the first twenty minutes of the meeting, Dean Wiltgen allowed students to talk freely about the tragedy at hand.

Spring Break!!!!

No more layers

Spring Break is approaching us quickly, and we all know what that means… yes, a break from the pounds (literally) of homework that this already-difficult semester has brought upon us. Whether you’re going on a fun beach trip with your friends or staying at home with the fam, it’ll be nice to sit back, relax, and take a break from school.

by Rachel Lorsbach

“I really appreciated the opportunity to just vent and debrief,” said an anonymous junior.

“My bike wasn’t really worth anything, but I had had it for years. When it was stolen from me, I didn’t quite know how to be myself again.”

Once Dean Wiltgen closed the discussion section of the evening, things got a little tenser.

“Quickly, Dean Wiltgen started behaving more seriously,” said the same junior. “In a deep and authoritative voice, he yelled for the thief to come forward, as if he was certain that he or she was right in the room with us. At that point, I had the realization that the thief could have come from inside the student body. I had imagined that he or she would have to be someone from the greater Conway community, or maybe even out of town, but, in that moment, I wasn’t so sure anymore.

The campus seemed a lot more ominous then.”

Despite Dean Wiltgen’s intimidating accusations, no one came up to claim responsibility.

“We probably sat in silence for maybe three or four minutes,” said an unidentified senior. “It was easily one of the most awkward moments of my life, and the most stone-cold I’ve ever seen Dean Wiltgen throughout my years at Hendrix. Any time a student would try to sneak out

These past few weeks have been filled with cold days, and in particular, cold nights. To simply walk to a Martin party (and prevent ourselves from getting hypothermia), we’ve been forced to bundle ourselves up in layers and layers of clothing. But that is a thing of the past! We can now wear short shorts, crop tops and most importantly, CHACOS. The cold weather will soon be gone, and so will all of our layers (and layers and layers…).

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Warmer weather This horrid winter has been tough to endure. With so much snow, yet so few snow days (because snow days are virtually nonexistent at Hendrix), it can easily be decided that this winter weather needs to go. Springtime is just around the corner, and hopefully, so is warmer weather.

Embrace the last few days of the harsh winds and bitter cold because warmer temperatures are coming. (Don’t get too excited, though…‘warmer’ temperatures will soon turn into ‘this humidity is so ridiculous, I want to move to Antarctica’ temperatures).

through one of the side entrances, he would force them to stay put in their seat.”

Finally, the reticence of the moment was unexpectedly broken by Dean Wiltgen’s sobs.

“All of a sudden, Dean Wiltgen started crying like a baby,” said the same senior. “I thought he was just brokenhearted that one of his beloved students would behave so deplorably and not own up to it, but then he started spilling his guts.

I couldn’t believe it, but our very own dean confessed to being the bicycle thief.”

As Dean Wiltgen gained composure, he told of his motivations. Apparently, he had been collecting the bicycles for use in an experimental art installment he had been working on. When asked why he didn’t just purchase some old bicycles for the project, he had a lot to say.

“It feels sort of ridiculous in retrospect, and of course I regret it, I really do,” said Dean Wiltgen.

“But part of what made this undertaking so experimental was not only its aesthetic risk-taking, but that the bikes were stolen. I knew that the piece wouldn’t reach its full transgressive potential if I just played by society’s rules. As a whole, the piece was supposed to make a strong statement about the pitfalls of capitalism, and, in order to so successfully, I needed to defile the system in the process.”

Since the surfacing of Dean Wiltgen’s involvement, all of the bikes have been returned unharmed to their original owners. The dean even tuned up each bicycle with new tires, chains and seats. In the meantime, the administration has put him on a two-month probation during which he’ll be required to teach beginning art classes to underprivileged children in the Central Arkansas area.

“Surprisingly (or perhaps not surprisingly), student support for Dean Wiltgen’s situation has been overwhelmingly positive,” said an anonymous administrator. “Most even advocated that he face no form of punishment. While we, the staff members, admire Dean Wiltgen’s commitment to his own artistic integrity, this kind of behavior cannot be tolerated. After his probationary period is over with, however, we plan to encourage him to apply for Odyssey funding in order to make his creative dream a reality.”

As much as we love the flowers blooming and the various plants’ leaves coming out for the first time in weeks, we do not love the pollen that consequentially comes along with springtime. For those who aren’t allergic to pollen, this is no biggie (so disregard this portion of the article). But, for those of us who are allergic to pollen, this cannot be stressed enough.

No worries, though. The pollen doesn’t last too long, and when it is around, just have your Claritin on hand at all times.

A Perspective on Political Correctness

by Chirag Lala George Carlin once did a wonderful satirical impersonation on political correctness. He took any number of words and “transformed” them into words he considered “correct.” Using his method, tomato might become “hydrogenated plant substance giving off electromagnetic waves measuring 620-750 nanometers.” His most telling quote said in no uncertain terms: “Political correctness is America’s newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance. It presents itself as fairness, yet attempts to restrict and control people’s language with strict codes and rigid rules.”

Sadly enough, this is how an increasing number of people view the idea of political correctness; that it prevents us from expressing ourselves fully. The result, the argument goes, is that this both harms freedom of speech and the quality of discussion in our society.

But that view is selective at best and intentionally harmful at worst. To his credit, Carlin is absolutely right about the ridiculousness of many situations in discourse. No one should be persecuted for using commonly accepted, mainstream words or phrases. Indeed, the trend towards doing so is what gave the idea of correctness its bad name in the first place. But this form of social exclusion is a controllable by-product of the true manifestation of correctness: a slow and welcome move by society to discredit hate speech.

Throughout history, people have gotten away with saying unspeakably terrible slurs against a plethora of ethnic, religious and racial minorities. They still do. Eventually, with some of these slurs, society evolved enough to recognize that they were controversial. Then, it recognized that they were insulting; then, it found them revolting. Finally, it found some of them to be the high-

est expression of humanity’s evil. In sum, many of these words and phrases became “incorrect” or “politically incorrect.” That process is a good thing and encapsulates humanity’s torturously slow fight against hatred. It’s a perfect demonstration of human sociology in action; a society creates morals and rules as much through social pressure as through laws and legal codes.

Like any set of rules, legal or otherwise, political correctness encounters opposition when it is perceived as being punitive or unreasonable. This is especially the case when people think they are being targeted for language that is uncontroversial and perfectly normal. Indeed, it’s situations (less ridiculous) like the tomato that most mainstream commentators rail against in their criticisms. But there’s one major flaw in these criticisms. They ignore the fact that “correctness” isn’t something that can just be done away with. It’s a social process that humans have always used to define what it is and what isn’t acceptable to communicate. Correctness is morally neutral. It targets whatever human society is fixated on at any given period in history, be it against instances of racism or expressions of women’s rights.

We, as humans and communicators, have a duty to speak out if we believe something ought to be heard. And we have the right and the duty to call out those things we feel ought not to be communicated. That way, the social process will ultimately continue doing what it always has but this time with more input. However, misrepresenting political correctness as some kind of policy or disposition of a particular political group risks giving legitimacy to those who truly stand to benefit from an utter lack of social checks on the moral content of speech.

College-itis?

Canoeing to Class

With the temperatures rapidly increasing, our interests in school are rapidly decreasing. We become lazy and unmotivated to do school work. To prevent this “senioritis” from taking over, don’t skip class, do your homework in advance, and study before the night before the test (I promise, it’s possible). We’ve made it this far, folks. We can’t give up yet (that’s for a few weeks in the future).

One word: Lake Hendrix. The amount of rain that we get during the spring isn’t usually a huge ordeal. But since we go to Hendrix, where even a droplet of rain can virtually turn our entire campus into a small lake (or even a big lake on occasion), it is a big deal. Grab your rain boots, your rain jacket and an umbrella and try to avoid the thousands of puddles that will inevitably accumulate over the next few weeks.

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[Jeers]

Allergies...

OPINION Why Correctness is Correct

Sophomores Jackson Fitzgibbon and Claire Vogelgesang film their Red Brick entry: “How to Woo a Woman.” Their film will premiere along with several other several others on April 22 at the Red Brick Film Festival.

photos Grace Oxley

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FEATURE

“And the Winner Goes to...”

A Look Inside the Red Brick Film Festival

by Casey Hawkins

P

aparazzi cameras flashing and celebrities being incessantly photographed in front of fancy backdrops are scenes normally reserved for high-profile awards shows, but Hendrix’s annual Red Brick Film Festival is replicating this buzzing atmosphere in the comfortable confines of its cozy 1,400-student campus. From its humble beginnings six years ago of showcasing films that were shot using only flip cameras, the festival has grown into a spectacle that some say rivals the popularity of other major Hendrix events such as Shirttails or Miss Hendrix. Plus, as the filming technology and filmmaking abilities of students grow each year, it’s only getting better.

Each year, student filmmakers submit about 12 to 15 films to showcase at the festival. The films are three to three-and-a-half minutes in length and encompass nearly all genres. Students who attend the festival vote for their favorite film through their smart phones, and a panel of judges gives out the formal awards, such as “Best in Show.” The awards have expanded in recent years to recognize more aspects of filmmaking, such as music and writing. “[The films] are definitely varied and independent,” Hendrix multimedia technical director Travis Peeples said. “No two are ever the same.

Production-wise, they’ve gotten remarkably better throughout the years, but every year is such a different mix of movies. It’s interesting to see what kids come up with. I’ve yet to see two that are even the same thing.”

Since the festival’s inception, when students were limited to using flip cameras provided by a Hendrix donor, students now rent digital cameras from the OTC. As the technology has grown, so have the quality of the films.

“The very first year was the roughest year, because I think people didn’t know what they were doing,” Dean of Students Jim Wiltgen said. “But, this last year, we had some films of the highest quality. I think some of the work done by our students could stand up against any competition anywhere. It’s only three minutes, but it’s actually harder, I think, to make a quality film in three minutes than if you had 10 minutes, because you have a lot more time to tell a story.”

There have been talks in the past couple of years of allowing the winner of “Best in Show” to be showcased at the Little Rock Film Festival held in May. However, the rules of the Little Rock Film

Festival state that any films showcased there must be being presented for the first time, which would obviously negate any film shown at Red Brick Film Festival.

“I had emailed a couple of people there and they haven’t gotten back to me,” Peeples said. “I asked if it counted as a debut if it’s just a film festival for our campus. It’s not like we’re going to Sundance [Film Festival] or anything like that with it. But that is definitely something we’re trying to get implemented, because we feel like it’s a neat way to tie that into a bigger thing and sort of inspire people.”

“NO TWO [FILMS] ARE EVER THE SAME. PRODUCTION-WISE, THEY’VE GOTTEN REMARKABLY BETTER THROUGHOUT THE YEARS, BUT EVERY YEAR IS SUCH A DIFFERENT MIX OF MOVIES.”

-TRAVIS PEEPLES

One film students can look forward to viewing at the festival this year is “How to Woo a Woman” from sophomores Jackson Fitzgibbon and Claire Vogelgesang. The film features an author who comes to Hendrix for a public reading of his book

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titled “How to Woo a Woman,” his take on classic instructional manuals from the 1930s and 40s such as “The Art of Kissing,” which show people how to correctly perform certain everyday actions. The camera then shifts to a student in the audience, played by senior Daniel Grear, fantasizing the author’s advice playing out in his mind and all the quirky chaos that ensues from his visions.

“It’s kind of a statement on how popular culture and men in general look at women as some sort of formula and that they’re all the same and that I just have to do these things to get them to like me,” Vogelgesang said. “It’s just pointing out that women are people and they’re all different.”

Aside from improvements to the films, a large effort has been made in recent years to make the festival a more glamorous occasion, all while keeping the production within the confines of Hendrix. The Culinary Club caters food and a group of art students will submit potential logo ideas for this year’s event, which is themed “Brick to the Future,” a play on the classic film “Back to the Future.” The recent additions of photo backdrops allow friends and families to have their pictures taken at the event, similar to any awards show now seen on TV. “We’re always looking to incorporate every aspect of campus we can to get more people involved,” Peeples said. “This year we’re also going to live stream it to the Internet. A lot of our graduated students that have submitted in the past always like to see what’s happening with it and stuff like that.”

Since its inception just six years ago, the festival has evolved into a major event that students look forward to each year. Hendrix’s executive vice president of strategic initiative and vice president of enrollment, Karen Foust, estimated that around 100 people showed up to the inaugural festival, but this past year’s event saw a jump to over 400 people that packed Worsham. Dean Wiltgen sees it as an event that has the potential to become a timeless Hendrix tradition.

“I think what really hit a chord with students is that it’s really all about the students creating this,” Dean Wiltgen said. “They get a chance to vote on one of the prizes for the ‘Best in Show [Audience Choice Award]’ and I think it really captured their imaginations. It’s very Hendrix-y because you can do it whether you’ve been a filmmaker or not been a filmmaker.”

Sophomore Greer Veon works her way through the deadly process of selecting next year’s rooming assignment. On average, students spend about four to five hours on housing selection each year.

photo Madison Dealing

The Profile’s Tips for Surviving The Housing Process

by Josh Hammons

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he administration has started sending out the emails. I can’t stand idly by while they continue to exploit our need for housing to enslave us all. You might think it’s a simple way to pick where you want to live next year, but it’s actually an insidious plot by the administration to keep us complacent. If you want to make it through without losing your humanity, then you need to follow these instructions.

1. Never use the website.

2. Don’t use your bid numbers.

4. Don’t get a roommate. Or talk to anyone.

5. Try to get off campus.

Why do you think they are so insistent? Why do you think they keep pointing you towards the website every time you ask a question? They want you to stop asking questions. They can control your mind through the website. One time is all they need. They have probably already embedded enough subconscious programming to make you kill whoever they want. You’ve heard of the Manchurian Candidate? You’re the Conway Candidate. Don’t use the website. Don’t stop asking questions.

How do you know who has been compromised?

You don’t. Don’t let anyone know what you are doing. If you are even doing anything at all. Anyone on campus could be an agent for the administration. They could be your best friend, your current roommate, that person in three of your classes whose name you still don’t know. It could even be you. And if you can’t trust yourself, then you definitely can’t trust anyone else. Once you learn this, you may have a chance at surviving.

They will tell you that these are really important.

They will tell you that they don’t distinguish you in anyway. That’s not the truth. Don’t let them get a hold on you. Don’t let them identify you.

Once you’re identified, that’s it; you are on the grid. And once you are on the grid you can never escape. A bid number is a barcode with all your info right there. Everything they’ve collected on you. All of your personal information, pass words, pin numbers, etc. It’s all right there.

This should be obvious. Try to pay in cash. Don’t let the admin tell you where to live. Who knows what they have in the dorms and apartments.

They could spy on you through any number of bugs. Everything you do is controlled. They can get close to you, monitor your every move. Not to mention any of their agents could find you. That’s why they draw you in freshman year with the requirement to live on campus. Don’t fall for it.

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3. Don’t plan ahead.

You probably already have some idea about where you want to live. Forget it--there’s no hope. If you plan in advance, they will have already seen it coming. The only way to be prepared is to not be prepared. If you don’t let them know what you are doing, they can’t stop you, and they can’t put their hooks into you.

6. Keep this information a secret.

I haven’t done all this just so you can get yourself caught blabbing about it in the pecan grove. I’m taking a risk, but I’ve been at this for years (2).

They can’t know that you know. Unless you can outsmart them. But then you have to know that they know that you know. And you definitely cannot have them knowing that you know that they know that you know. Ever.

FEATURE Powder Puff Powers Into Hendrix Athletes turn idea into charity event

by Sydney Meyer

B

ummed that football season is over? Don’t But all this talk begs the question: what is powworry; Jared Lincoln and Matt Ramirez der puff football without male cheerleaders? have your fix coming up this month.

“We will have male cheerleaders,” Lincoln said.

“Neither one of us are exactly sure how it hap“When I mentioned this idea to Dean Wiltgen, he pened,” Lincoln said. “We were at lunch in the said it was a great idea and to ‘put me down as a cafeteria one day and the next thing you know, cheerleader.’” we start picking girls for our flag football team in The rest of the cheer squad will consist of footour heads. And then we actually started talking ball players and other male Hendrix athletes. to girls about it, and you know how guys can get To collect charitable funds for Children’s, the competitive, so it went from sort of competitive dunk tank, inflatables and hammer slam will all to really competitive, and now we’re about to put have donation buckets. The male cheerleaders on a Powder Puff football charity event.” plan to go through the stands at halftime to keep Lincoln and Ramirez the crowd entertained intend to leave behind a and simultaneously ask legacy at Hendrix in the for donations. There will form of their combined be a $5 playing fee for the Odyssey project: an angirls, but that money goes nual Powder Puff charity to pay for a commemoratailgate and football game tive t-shirt, and all money to be played in the spring collected at this event will semester. The goal for be given directly to Chilthis year is to raise money dren’s. for Arkansas Children’s “Every girl is going to get Hospital. to play and will be put on “Children’s is a hospital a team. Everyone will get that Hendrix has a good to play regardless of abilrelationship with and we ity. We just want it to be want to continue to pera fun time. The girls will petuate that good relaeven get to wear the foottionship,” Lincoln said.

- JARED LINCOLN ball team’s actual jerseys Ramirez and Lincoln while they play,” Lincoln also want to open up this said. event to the public. The date for this year’s game Aside from creating a new, fun event at Henfalls during Embrace the Orange weekend, nodrix, Lincoln and Ramirez hope that this will torious for attracting prospective students and be an all-inclusive and inviting opportunity for their families to campus. all students. Ramirez and Lincoln hope that all “The tailgate will start at 5 and the game will participants – players, cheerleaders, and onlookstart at 7. We will have inflatables, a hammer ers alike – will enjoy this fun tradition while also slam and a dunk tank, and there will be food proraising money for a great cause. vided. President Tsutsui and Dean Wiltgen have The game is scheduled for Saturday, April 11, already both agreed to sit in the dunk tank for so get ready for a Powder Puff game like you’ve us. It’ll be a night game, so we’ll have the lights never seen before. on and hopefully some music and commentators over the PA system to make it official. We’re also opening up this event to the Conway community so that we can get more attendance for the charity,” Ramirez said.

“EVERYONE WILL GET TO PLAY REGARDLESS OF ABILITY. WE JUST WANT IT TO BE A FUN TIME.”

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Chipotle in Conway

Restaurant joins Market Square

by Casey Hawkins

Y

ou’ve asked for it. You’ve begged for it.

And now, it’s finally here. In a stunning development, the mega-popular Mexican restaurant chain Chipotle is at long last coming to Conway. And best of all: it’s coming right here to Market Square (the Village).

The city of Conway decided to institute a Chipotle after numerous public protests downtown in which demonstrators became violent. The Conway Police Department reported that it was the worst series of demonstrations since the protests vying for the institution of a Taziki’s a few years ago.

“We’ve been oppressed for too long,” one protester said. “It’s time that we start getting quality restaurants here in Conway. Don’t get me wrong, McDonald’s is great, but sometimes you’ve got to change it up, you know?”

Another demonstrator said, “We’re fighting the good fight. We’re going to put Conway on the restaurant map. In a few years, Conway is going to

be the new New Orleans of the South. Just you wait.”

One of the main reasons demonstrators were so adamant about the institution of a Chipotle was the fact that there are now two Chipotle locations 30 minutes away in Little Rock. Many see it as unfair how Little Rock receives more restaurant benefits than Conway.

“We live in the City of Colleges,” a Conway resident said. “I don’t know if you know what that means, but we’re basically the #1 Up-And-Coming City in America. So, the fact that Little Rock gets all these great restaurants really bothers us.

What has Little Rock done anyways? The Clinton Library? Give me a break.”

“The Chipotles in Little Rock are basically a slap in the face,” one Hendrix student said. “It’s like they’re teasing us by giving us a Chipotle in the next city, but who really wants to drive an hour to get Chipotle? I mean, I would, but still you see my point.”

Conway residents are aware of the dent Chipotle will place in the business of their local Mexican restaurants, but most people just don’t seem to care.

“Those days of stuffing myself with white cheese dip and hating myself afterwards are over,” one resident said. “Chipotle is gonna get my body on track just in time for swimsuit season.”

One Hendrix student said, “I love those places, don’t get me wrong, but the food babies they give me afterwards are sometimes just too much to handle. Those late nights in the Hardin bathrooms are the worst.”

The decision to place the restaurant in the Hendrix Village came after Dean of Students Jim Wiltgen made a personal visit to the mayor of Conway’s office and literally begged on his hands and knees. He said it was worth every second of humiliation.

“I just love this restaurant so much, and I know our students love it too,” Dean Wiltgen said. “I don’t care what it takes, I just want to do everything I can to make sure these kids are getting the best out of their college education.”

“Yeah, the Dean really pulled through for us,” one Hendrix student said. “It’s pretty cool to be so passionate about something like that. Right?”

Chipotle will be instituted by the end of this year, and Hendrix is even providing the benefit of a Chipotle meal plan that students can pick for next year. This plan includes 100 Chipotle Bucks which can be used at Chipotle anytime.

If that’s not enough, there are talks of extending the mean plan to 1,000 or even 10,000 Chipotle Bucks.

“I’m planning on having an all-Chipotle diet next year,” one student said. “I’m gonna miss seeing Ms. Martha and all those wonderful ladies in the caf, but the draw of Chipotle is too strong.”

Construction prepares to install a Chipotle in Marquet Square.

The restaurant is expected to open by the end of the year.

photo Megan Prettyman THEHENDRIXCOLLEGEPROFILE.COM

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FEATURE

President Tsutsui’s

Inauguration Event marks history, future for college

by Chirag Lala

“

Inaugurations don’t happen very often,” noted Rob O’Connor, Director of College Communications at Hendrix.

He’s right of course. They don’t. This is the first one since 2001 when President Cloyd was sworn in. Innumerable materials have been sent out, social media has been flooded, and President Tsutsui’s been researched and documented better than any individual on campus.

The inauguration is a celebration of this new president. But President Tsutsui hopes that this isn’t what will be remembered.

“This inauguration shouldn’t be about me,” he quipped during our interview.

And he’s right. The event carries profound implications for Hendrix College, implications that ought to be explored.

But first, some background is due. The College is in trouble this year. The decrease in student enrollment this academic year hit the school hard. Every department, every student organization, and every individual on campus has been affected by the cuts.

But budget cuts are just the beginning. The higher education marketplace has undergone earth-shattering events in the last five years. The rise in costs combined with the steep decline in public financing means that colleges everywhere are competing for students with more and more of an economic angle. Even admissions, the critical number that determines our annual budgets, is becoming more of a numbers game based around statistical forecasting, or “econometrics,” as President Tsutsui called it.

All of this calls into question the very idea of the

liberal arts. We Hendrix students are very proud of the education we receive. But every one of us has also been questioned about it. Why do we go to a liberal arts school? Why do we not focus on professional programs? Why not the STEM fields?

These questions became even more forceful in light of the higher education cash crunch. More students are seeking cheaper alternatives at public universities and looking for programs they feel will grant them long-term financial security: medicine, engineering, scientific research, etc. To be sure, these programs are important. But we wouldn’t be such a strong institution if we didn’t believe in both the financial and normative value of the liberal arts.

Those values need defending. And that means Hendrix needs to be competitive in higher education. This is the focus of what President Tsutsui refers to broadly as “re-branding.”

“This is a pretty dire problem. We’re the best in Arkansas but we still aren’t attracting the students we need to be, even in Arkansas which is our battleground. And admission is the name of the game,” Tsutsui said.

To President Tsutsui, the inauguration represents the beginning of a long-term process of re-branding the college to make sure it can utilize its advantages to not only maintain its strong academic position, but expand and create a wider space for weathering the changes in higher education.

The process comes in two parts. First, there’s the marketing aspect, which simply boils down to getting our message out there more effectively.

The President’s example of this was the website.

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“It’s a great website, but it can be changed to better reflect what we’re about and to show our unique character; right now it’s indistinguishable from websites of colleges across the country,” Tsutsui said.

The second aspect is strategic planning. The last five years were absolutely unpredictable. But the college needs to be ready to answer key questions about its future; it needs a blueprint. What will our academic programs look like in the next few years? How will we manage in light of financial factors? What is our vision? How do we integrate our alumni and students into the wider decisionmaking process?

The inaugural events won’t answer all of these questions. There’s an ongoing process already. Courtney Corwin, the Special Assistant to the President, noted that “The Strategic Planning Committee, which includes a student representative as well as members representing all the departments, worked real hard for weeks through working groups on all kinds of subjects.

The work of this committee will kick off more specific changes after the inauguration.”

The inauguration is more of an introduction, specifically designed to be positive and reinforcing about the strengths that Hendrix College has an intends to build on. The planners have been, and still are, secretive about what specifically will be revealed at the events. But whatever it is, it’s clear that the President intends for the inauguration to make a statement about the destiny of Hendrix College. And it’s well worth our attention.

RECRUITING FUTURE WARRIORS Athletic department strives for excellence on field, in classroom

by Sydney Meyer

“

There are a lot of people at this school that want our students to be successful. As coaches, we obviously want them to be successful both in the classroom and on the playing field. I think the support they get from Hendrix in order to accomplish these goals is unmatched,” Amy Weaver, Hendrix athletic director and head softball coach, said.

Weaver is an incredibly busy woman. From coaching her own team of softball players to directing the rest of the athletic programs at Hendrix, it seems that she has no free time. But if there is one thing she makes sure to do each and every day, it’s recruiting new athletes to her roster.

“Recruiting is huge,” Weaver said. “Each of us coaches has an idea about the needs within our programs. We take our roster and build for 10 percent attrition and then come up with a number that we want to try to keep so our rosters maintain a certain level.”

Every coach does the recruitment process a little differently. Weaver made two trips out to California during the past summer as well as one to Texas. Other coaches also look out of state for recruits.

“Of the 38 guys on the baseball team, I think four or five of them are from in state. I think for football it’s like 55 are from in state, 45 are out of state,” Weaver said.

The recruitment process itself differs between DI, DII and DIII colleges, and Hendrix is a DIII school.

Coach Weaver used to coach at a DII school and a junior college, and she draws from her past experiences.

“The recruiting process here is a little bit different because I can go down a list and look at the recruits’ grades and SAT scores and go ‘no, no, no, no, yes,’” Weaver said. But there are more than grades and test scores to take into consideration when dealing with recruits. In par-

ticular, Weaver considers whether or not the prospects would fit in with the Hendrix community and her team.

“I always make sure they have

excellence on both sides of the street. They have to be prepared for the amount of hours they’ll have to put in on the playing field as well as the amount they’ll spend in classrooms and labs.

“Most of us [coaches] build in mandatory study halls for our kids and try to help keep them on track. Academics are not an excuse for not performing in athletics, just like athletics are not an excuse for not performing in academics. This isn’t glorified intramurals.

It’s Division III, it’s college athletics, and they need to make sure they understand that,” Weaver said.

For instance, like most other sports at Hendrix, Coach Weaver’s softball team participates in offseason training.

They have a strength and conditioning coach that they work with three days a week at 6 a.m. Once the athletes return in January, they begin with their regular season practice schedule.

The team trains or plays six days a week, every week, until the end of April.

“It’s a big commitment. Prospective athletes have to understand that they’re going to give some things up by being a college athlete. But hopefully, what they gain far outweighs what they give up,” Weaver said.

“A lot of times, if we can get the recruits on the campus, the college sells itself,” Weaver added. “The people make this place. From the

“I THINK THE DOORS THAT CAN BE OPENED BY HAVING AN EDUCATION FROM THIS INSTITUTION ARE AMAZING AND THE SKY’S THE LIMIT. AND WHEN YOU PARALLEL THAT WITH THE ATHLETIC EXPERIENCE YOU CAN HAVE IN THE FACILITIES WE HAVE HERE, I THINK THAT’S AN AMAZING ASPECT OF THE WHOLE THING.”

- AMY WEAVER the opportunity to talk to my players. I leave the room and tell them they can ask my players any question and they will be brutally honest with them. Our kids sell the program because of how much they love this place,” Weaver said.

Potential recruits are made aware of the academic demands that Hendrix requires of its students. Weaver tells her recruits that she demands

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people in grounds to the people in the caf, we have people across this campus (including the president) come to our athletic events. I think the doors that can be opened by having an education from this institution are amazing and the sky’s the limit. And when you parallel that with the athletic experience you can have in the facilities we have here, I think that’s an amazing aspect of the whole thing. We want to recruit kids who want to be a part of this.”

Campus attendance is smaller this year than in years past. This means potentially less athletes coming to play for Hendrix. But, with the year that the Hendrix volleyball and basketball teams have had and the SAA titles they’ve collected, Weaver hopes that winning programs will create excitement and help secure incoming athletes.

“Winning is important. It’s not the only thing, but it’s important,” Weaver said. “We owe it to the college and to the Board of Trustees and everyone that has provided us with these state of the art facilities.

And we also owe it to our kids and our athletic programs; everyone works so hard.”

As Hendrix athletic programs continue to strive for excellence and collect titles, trophies and rings, Weaver and the rest of the Hendrix coaching staff hope for incoming athletes with the same drive, determination and work ethic to keep the tradition going.

“The pride in Hendrix athletics continues to grow, and I think the more we are successful, the more it makes all other sports want to be successful,” Weaver said.

This desire to win is fueling Hendrix coaches to recruit only the best and the brightest athletes to don the orange and black and make us all Warrior proud.

SPORTS

Ms. Martha sneakily prepares a serving of her famous recipe for a basketball player. Her secret ingredient was rumored to have contributed to two SAA championships this academic year.

photo Megan Prettyman

Ms. Martha’s SECRET RECIPE:

Special ingredient brings back-to-back victories for Warriors athletics

by Sydney Meyer

M

en’s basketball has a shiny new trophy and title to dazzle the trophy case. After a somewhat rocky season, the team managed to turn things around in what is being called a “Cinderella story” of a season. And what’s more? In order to claim the trophy, they had to defeat their long-standing conference rivals, Rhodes, in the championship game. Which they did: the final score ending at Hendrix 73, Rhodes 70.

After a shocking run from entering the conference tournament as sixth seed competitors to defeating the top seeded Rhodes College and finishing with rings on their fingers, many may be wondering just how they did it. Was it a combination of hard workouts, intense practices and a little luck? Or was it something else entirely? Hendrix’s own cafeteria sweetheart and culinary celebrity Ms. Martha may have the answer.

“I’m incredibly proud of my boys

extra kick!”

“It was super weird,” one basketball player said. “I can’t really describe what it was like to eat that thing. I mean, it looked like a cake, it smelled like pizza, and it tasted, I swear, just like Nutella mixed with orange juice and bacon. We couldn’t believe that Coach McCracken wanted us to actually do it, but he just stood there with this grin on his face as Ms. Martha sliced us up a piece. But, I mean, it worked!

Thanks Ms. Martha!”

“Ms. Martha warned us beforehand that if we wasted her recipe, she would be very disappointed.

And disappointing Ms. Martha would’ve been worse than losing to Rhodes,” another Warrior said.

There is slight concern as to whether or not there are any illicit materials in the recipe, but Ms. Martha promises there are no illegal substances in the recipe to compromise her athletes. A sample of the concoction was tested in one of the labs here on campus. As always,

and the hard work they put in during their long season. I decided it wouldn’t hurt to help them out a little,” Ms. Martha said. “I did the same for my sweet volleyball girls back in the fall, and look how well they have both done!”

Ms. Martha, of course, is talking about her secret recipe for success.

“It’s not that I didn’t think they could take care of things on their own, but a little help never hurt anyone,” Ms. Martha said.

The recipe is an effective one, and throughout the generations of Ms. Martha’s family, she has seen family members get the promotions they wanted, pass important examinations that they were stressed about, and even find the loves of their lives.

“This recipe doesn’t cause things to happen. It’s not magical. It simply provides the right amount of luck so that things fall into place at just the right time for those that eat it,” Ms. Martha said. “My basketball boys had every capability to win; my recipe just gave them that little

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Ms. Martha was true to her word, and everything checked out.

“I am just so proud of my boys, and I’m so happy that I could help them out! They deserved to win more than every other school.

They’re such good, sweet boys, and I am so very pleased that my recipe was useful for them,” Ms. Martha said.

Both the volleyball and basketball teams put in countless hours of hard work to earn their titles, but a little help from Ms. Martha never hurt anyone.

photo Grace Oxley

Blue Sail

by Hannah McCarthy

Entrepeneur creates coffee, atmosphere for students

W

here are the best places to study around campus? The Bailey Library, Murphy House, the atrium in MC Reynolds, or the Burrow if you don’t mind a little hustle and bustle. Then there is Blue Sail: Hendrix students’ favorite off-campus study spot that allows for endless coffee and tea amongst a nice background of white noise.

I sat down with the owner of Blue Sail, Kyle Tabor, to learn about his inspiration for the local coffee shop and his vision for downtown Conway and beyond.

“It all started when I was backpacking in Italy, and if you’ve ever been there you know that the coffee culture is humongous,” Tabor said, adding that a coffee shop was present on every street corner. “I was inspired by how the coffee culture was such a positive thing in the community. The coffee culture made the community a better place.”

Tabor saw that the coffee shops in Italy not only attracted citizens for incredible brews, but also acted as a meeting place where people could collaborate, inspire one another, and form friendships in a relaxing environment. However, the coffee shops not only bettered the Italian street corners, but also benefited the communities and economies abroad that produced the coffee beans.

“There’s actually an entire community that’s responsible for getting that cup to you,” Tabor said.

It was the ability of coffee shops to help not only one’s community, but also communities abroad that sparked Tabor’s interest to one day own his own shop. Upon returning to Arkansas as a se-

nior at UCA, Tabor started formulating the plans.

At first, however, he did not receive widespread support.

“My roommate was the only one who believed in me,” Tabor said.

Without knowing where to start, he found a new espresso machine on eBay at a heavily discounted price. Unable to pay even the reduced cost, Tabor’s roommate stepped up and purchased the machine for $2,000. Over the next year, Tabor paid him back in frequent installments.

Next, Tabor found a rental spot on Oak Street where he soon got to work painting the walls in preparation for the shop. However, before he could settle the lease, the owners decided not to let him rent the property. They were concerned that his young age would hinder his success in starting a business.

“In an act of desperation, I began frantically walking down the street. I literally just walked into every business that would make a good coffee shop and was just like, ‘Hey, I know this might sound ridiculous and I really don’t mean to offend you, but would you guys be going out of business anytime soon? Because I would really like to rent out this building,’” Tabor said. That same day he was notified of his failure to rent the Oak Street property.

“I really, really wanted this one and my hopes were kind of falling at this point,” Tabor said.

Luckily, he found success at the last business he visited.

“The owners looked at each other and said, ‘We’re actually trying to get out of our lease right

THEHENDRIXCOLLEGEPROFILE.COM

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now,’ and I was like, ‘No way!” Tabor said. He ended up signing the lease the next day.

When Blue Sail finally opened last May, Tabor possessed only his espresso machine and four barstools he had purchased from Target.

“I worked 120 hours a week for the first three weeks in a row,” Tabor said. “I had no furniture.

I didn’t have enough money to paint the green walls.”

Now, after only 10 months in business, Tabor employs nine staff members and has even upgraded to a new espresso machine.

Tabor is also on a local committee that seeks to liven up downtown Conway by planning events such as Corner to Corner, the food truck festival that took place in March. He is also planning on flying out to Los Angeles for a week-long roast camp during which he will learn techniques for Blue Sail’s newest piece of equipment: a coffee roaster. As for the coffee-producing communities abroad, he plans to make a trip to Burundi, Africa or Guatemala, where he will learn about the origins of Blue Sail’s coffee beans.

“For me, Blue Sail represents the thing that connects a community in a different country to Conway, Arkansas,” Tabor said.

With an active presence in Conway and plans to visit the coffee growing communities abroad, Tabor is well on his way to fulfilling his vision of improving communities both abroad and at home through the art of coffee.

CULTURE

Boyhood 2.0:

The Unending Installment

by Daniel Grear

F

ollowing the critical and commercial success of “Boyhood,” one of the decade’s most innovative films and a 2015 Best Picture contender at the Academy Awards, director and screenwriter Richard Linklater is back with a striking sequel.

At first, you may ask the following question: how on Earth could he have rebounded so quickly?

Doesn’t the making of a film, especially one like this, take years?

Au contraire. Linklater’s latest project borrows from the grandiosity of “Boyhood” but takes things one step further. Instead of attempting to represent the passage of time, he’s literally documenting it. That’s right; “Boyhood 2.0” is a 24-hour, round-the-clock television streaming of “Boyhood” lead actor Ellar Coltrane’s life. Think “The Truman Show,” but more consensual.

The most intriguing part about “Boyhood 2.0” is that it’s still scripted. Linklater has stopped working on all other movies entirely, focusing exclusively on the intricate writing of interesting but realistic plotlines for Coltrane to live out on screen. How is this possible, you might ask?

Every time Coltrane is asleep, Linklater and his team of 200 labor over the next day’s actions and dialogue.

Another thing that makes “Boyhood 2.0” different from other documentary-esque undertakings is that its cinematography is also scrupulously planned in advance. Just because it’s shot in the moment doesn’t mean that Linklater won’t be bombarding us with as much rich symbolism as possible.

Furthermore, some particularly invested reviewers have vowed to devote all of their critical energy to writing about “Boyhood 2.0.” A writer for The New Yorker called it “the creative venture that’s going to bring a much-needed dose of vitality and substance back to the world of television.”

Unfortunately for viewers who took a liking to the whole cast of “Boyhood,” Patricia Arquette, Ethan Hawke, and Lorelei Linklater have decided against joining the project. Each was offered a $5 million dollar signing bonus but still chose to decline. Several other lesser-known actors that closely resemble these stars have been hired in their place. Though Coltrane has agreed to a ‘til-death contract, the new cast’s contracts are only for five years. In other words, after their time is up, Linklater will again need to seek out believable replacements. But I have faith. After all, they did it with Dumbledore, right?

It’s difficult to divide “Boyhood 2.0” into

episodes, seeing as the show is just running constantly and that I’ve, of course, missed some of the key moments due to the fact that I’ve been living my own, less-than-worthy-of-beingrecorded life, but this is how I would summarize the first few weeks of the show: so far, Coltrane has embarked on an irresponsibly-accelerated romance with an English major from Dallas, joined the culinary club, and decided to adopt a strict vegetarian lifestyle. Aside from his extracurricular concerns, he’s become taken with the writings of Nietzsche and Kierkegaard and thinks he might major in philosophy. College is a whirlwind, but you could say he’s fitting in just fine. If only we could get inside his head.

BoYHooD 2.0

photo Brooke Nelson

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APRIL

CALENDAR Conway, Little Rock, & Central Arkansas

April 1 - April 9 Wednesday, April 1st

Fleetwood Mac

Hendrix College Scavenger Hunt through April 7th.

Conway.

4 p.m. Warrior Softball. Hendrix vs. Centenary (La.).

Conway.

6 p.m. Warrior Softball. Hendrix vs. Centenary (La.).

Conway.

6 p.m. Jazz in the Park. History Pavilion in Riverfront Park. Little Rock.

7:30 p.m. R.J. Mischo & His Red Hot Blues Band.

South on Main. Little Rock.

8:30 p.m. Supersuckers. Stickyz Rock ‘n ‘Roll Chicken Shack. Little Rock.

Thursday, April 2nd

8 p.m. Devon Allman. The Rev Room. Little Rock.

Friday, April 3rd

9 a.m. Warrior Men’s Tennis. Hendrix vs. Berry.

Conway.

11 a.m. Warrior Women’s Tennis. Hendrix vs. Berry.

Conway.

5 p.m. Warrior Softball. Hendrix vs. Sewanee. Conway.

6 p.m. Warrior Baseball. Hendrix vs. Rhodes. Conway.

7 p.m. Warrior Softball. Hendrix vs. Sewanee. Conway.

8 p.m. Thunder on the Mountain Throwdown. The Rev Room. Little Rock.

9 p.m. Little Rock Salsa Presents: Salsa Dancing.

Juanita’s. Little Rock.

9:30 p.m. Foul Play Cabaret. Stickyz Rock ‘n ‘Roll Chicken Shack. Little Rock.

Saturday, April 4th

Boom Kinetic

9 a.m. Warrior Men’s Tennis. Hendrix vs. Oglethorpe.

Conway.

11 a.m. Warrior Women’s Tennis. Hendrix vs. Oglethorpe. Conway.

12 p.m. Warrior Softball. Hendrix vs. Sewanee. Conway.

12 p.m. Warrior Baseball. Hendrix vs. Rhodes. Conway.

2 p.m. Warrior Softball. Hendrix vs. Sewanee. Conway.

3 p.m. Warrior Baseball. Hendrix vs. Rhodes. Conway.

9:30 p.m. Lucious Spiller Band. Stickyz Rock ‘n ‘Roll Chicken Shack. Little Rock.

Tuesday, April 7th

7:30 p.m. Salsa. Juanita’s. Little Rock.

Thursday, April 9th

2 p.m. Warrior Men’s Tennis. Hendrix vs. LeTourneau.

Conway.

4:30 p.m. Warrior Women’s Tennis. Hendrix vs. LeTourneau. Conway.

7 p.m. “Fight Club.” Ron Robinson Theatre. Little Rock.

9 p.m. Randy Rogers Band. The Rev Room. Little Rock.

Photos: Young Guns: https://www.facebook.com/younggunsuk Boom Kinetic: https://www.facebook.com/boomkinetic Fleetwood Mac: https://www.facebook.com/FleetwoodMac

THEHENDRIXCOLLEGEPROFILE.COM

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CULTURE

Young Guns April 10 - April 15 Friday, April 10th

7 p.m. Warrior Men’s Lacrosse. Hendrix vs.

Sewanee. Conway.

7 p.m. “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” Ron Robinson Theatre. Little Rock.

7:30 p.m. New Found Glory, Turnstile, This Wild Life, Turnover. Juanita’s. Little Rock.

8 p.m. Kevin Hart- What Now Tour. Verizon Arena. Little Rock.

9 p.m. Little Rock Salsa Presents: Salsa Dancing.

Juanita’s. Little Rock.

Saturday, April 11th

9 a.m. Warrior Men’s Tennis. Hendrix vs.

Birmingham-Southern. Conway.

11 a.m. Warrior Women’s Tennis. Hendrix vs.

Birmingham-Southern. Conway.

12 p.m. Warrior Softball. Hendrix vs. Berry.

Conway 1 p.m. Warrior Baseball. Hendrix vs. Berry.

Conway.

2 p.m. Warrior Softball. Hendrix vs. Berry.

Conway 2 p.m. “The Sandlot.” Rob Robinson Theatre.

Little Rock.

4 p.m. Warrior Baseball. Hendrix vs. Berry.

Conway.

7:30 p.m. Jason Aldean. Verizon Arena. Little Rock.

9 p.m. Neverafter, Mothwind, Enchiridion.

Juanita’s. Little Rock.

9 p.m. Dead Soldiers. Stickyz Rock ‘n ‘Roll Chicken Shack. Little Rock.

Sunday, April 12th

9 a.m. Warrior Men’s Tennis. Hendrix vs. Millsaps. Conway.

11 a.m. Warrior Women’s Tennis. Hendrix vs.

Millsaps. Conway 12 p.m. Warrior Softball. Hendrix vs. Berry.

Conway.

12 p.m. Warrior Men’s Lacrosse. Hendrix vs.

Centre. Conway.

12 p.m. Warrior Baseball. Hendrix vs. Berry.

Conway.

2 p.m. Warrior Softball. Hendrix vs. Berry.

Conway.

Monday, April 13th

7:30 p.m. Y&T. Juanita’s. Little Rock.

Tuesday, April 14th

7:30 p.m. Salsa. Juanita’s. Little Rock.

8 p.m. Kenny Zimlinghaus. Juanita’s. Little Rock.

8:30 p.m. GIVERS. Stickyz Rock ‘n ‘Roll Chicken Shack. Little Rock.

Wednesday, April 15th

8 p.m. Steve Earle & The Dukes, The Mastersons. Juanita’s. Little Rock.

8 p.m. Papadosio. The Rev Room. Little Rock.

9 p.m. Turquoise Jeep Records. Stickyz Rock ‘n ‘Roll Chicken Shack. Little Rock.

April 16 - April 21 Friday, April 17th

8:30 p.m. Songs & Stories- An Evening with Art Alexakis of Everclear. The Rev Room. Little Rock.

9 p.m. Little Rock Salsa Presents: Salsa Dancing.

Juanita’s. Little Rock.

Saturday, April 18th

11 a.m. 5th Annual Turkish Food Festival. Raindrop Turkish House. Little Rock.

12 p.m. Warrior Softball. Hendrix vs. Birmingham-Southern. Conway.

1 p.m. Warrior Baseball. Hendrix vs. Birmingham-Southern. Conway.

2 p.m. Warrior Softball. Hendrix vs. Birmingham-Southern. Conway.

4 p.m. Warrior Baseball. Hendrix vs. Birmingham-Southern. Conway.

7:30 p.m. The Texas Tenors. Reynolds Performance Hall. UCA. Conway.

8 p.m. Ralph Stanley featuring Nathan Stanley & The Clinch Mountain Boys, The Cons of Formant, Sioux City Kid, Rodge Arnold, Kassi Moe. Juanita’s. Little Rock.

9 p.m. John Neal Rock N Roll. Stickyz Rock ‘n ‘Roll Chicken Shack. Little Rock.

9 p.m. Mom’s Kitchen (A Tribute to Widespread Panic). The Rev Room. Little Rock.

Sunday, April 19th

12 p.m. Warrior Softball. Hendrix vs. Birmingham-Southern. Conway.

12 p.m. Warrior Baseball. Hendrix vs. Birmingham-Southern. Conway.

2 p.m. Warrior Softball. Hendrix vs. Birmingham-Southern. Conway.

8 p.m. Fleetwood Mac. Verizon Arena. Little Rock.

8 p.m. Rundgren Radio.com presents Todd Rundgren Global Tour 2015. The Rev Room.

Little Rock.

Tuesday, April 21st

10 a.m. 2015 Spring Job Fair. Statehouse Convention Center. Little Rock.

8 p.m. Nonpoint, 36 Crazyfists, Scare Don’t Fear. Juanita’s. Little Rock.

APRIL 2015

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April 22 - April 30 Wednesday, April 22nd

9 p.m. I prevail, Too Close to Touch, Chasing Safety. Juanita’s. Little Rock.

9 p.m. The Bright Light Social Hour. The Rev Room. Little Rock.

Thursday, April 23rd

7 p.m. Chris Tomlin’s Love Ran Red Tour. Verizon Arena. Little Rock.

7 pm. Marc Cohen in Concert. Wildwood Park for the Arts. Little Rock.

7:30 p.m. Little Rock Wind Symphony presents “Symphonic Dances”. Second Presbyterian Church. Little Rock.

8:30 p.m. Cornmeal. Stickyz Rock ‘n ‘Roll Chicken Shack. Little Rock.

9 p.m. Steve Moakler, Adam Hambrick.

Juanita’s. Little Rock.

Friday, April 24th

9 p.m. Little Rock Salsa Presents: Salsa Dancing.

Juanita’s. Little Rock.

9:30 p.m. Full of Hell. Stickyz Rock ‘n ‘Roll Chicken Shack. Little Rock.

Saturday, April 25th

7 a.m. Cardiac Classic Bike Ride. Burns Park.

North Little Rock.

8 p.m. Iron & Wine. Juanita’s. Little Rock.

9:30 p.m. Boom Kinetic. The Rev Room. Little Rock.

10 p.m. Pujol. Stickyz Rock ‘n ‘Roll Chicken Shack. Little Rock.

Sunday, April 26th

10 a.m. Jewish Food and Cultural Festival. War Memorial Stadium. Little Rock.

Tuesday, April 28th

5:30 p.m. Revolver Magazine’s Hottest Chicks Tour feat. Flyleaf. The Rev Room. Little Rock.

8 p.m. Dirty Heads featuring !Mayday! Juanita’s. Little Rock.

Thursday, April 30th

9 p.m. Young Guns. Juanita’s. Little Rock.

9 p.m. Whiskey Myers. The Rev Room. Little Rock.

Fake Articles: “Trouble in the Fountain” page 4 “Rights of Squirrels” page 5 “Bike Thief Revealed” page 6 “The Profile’s Tips For...” page 10 “Chipotle in Conway” page 12 “Ms. Martha’s Secret Recipe” page 15 “Boyhood 2.0” page 17 THEHENDRIXCOLLEGEPROFILE.COM

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Real Articles:

april fool’s

“Editor’s Note” page 3 “Why Correctness is Correct” page 7 “Red Brick Film Festival” page 9 “Powder Puff Football” page 11 “Tsutsui’s Inauguration” page 13 “Athlete Recruitment” page 14 “Blue Sail” page 16 APRIL 2015

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1600 Washington Ave Conway, AR 72032